Hellbent and brokenhearted

Like an infection

2011-11-09T01:48:00.002+01:00

1.49 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Never thought I'd open up these dusty virtual pages again. Never thought I'd need to hear your voice echo through the empty halls of my mind. It wasn't supposed to be like this again, remember? I called it quits, I bailed out. I abandoned you before it was too late. And now I'm here, back on my knees, praying for someone to make the pain go away. It's no difference this time, yet it is different in a way. That feeling of numbness weighing down on me, suffocating me slowly, erasing every ray of light, and leaving only darkness behind. Complete, utter darkness. I live my life as a corpse, an empty shell of a man that was once so full of dreams, so full of hope... no more. I seem to have reached another turning point, or is it a dead end? I can't tell anymore.

I'm losing my grip. People slip out of my hands, out of my life, out of reach, out of sight. It's not that I don't know why - I know damn well why they leave - only the fact that I can't do a damn thing about it. Helpless, once again. I can't let anyone into my heart, into my mind, or into my soul. I just can't. Once they're inside, they'll hurt me like all the others, leave me broken down, defenseless. I have no other option, what I want to do has no effect on my mind, since it has made a decision. Letting people too close only hurts. That's why they leave. A hopeless crusade. A closed case. A waste of time. I can't feel what they feel. Can't see what they see. Can't force myself to take interest in any of them, except for the ones that appeal to my twisted side, and when they become out of reach, I rage. Rage at everything, a wrath that is uncontrollable, unstoppable, and leaves me with yet another lost friend. If I keep doing this, there won't be anyone left at all.

Time is drawing near, my dear. Didn't I tell you? Didn't I fucking tell you? You piece of shit. Worthless piece of shit. Ya really think anyone would want to be close to you? You said it yourself, you can't open your heart. It's closed. And it has been for a long time, I should know... I threw away the key. Embrace your fate, and stop whining.

I've given up hope once again. Nothing I thought would save me has been able to make any difference at all. I'm still here, square one. Haven't achieved anything since last time you heard from me. I know, I know, I promised myself I'd let go of all this drama... and just try to live without all this bullshit. Turns out it has become such a big part of me that I can't ignore it. It's almost like it's become a bigger part of me than myself. Like a cancer, mercilessly growing inside of me, twisting and mutilating my cells, turning them into broken shadows of my old self. Every time I close my eyes, everything starts spinning. I see my end drawing closer, fast. People leaving. People getting tired of not getting through. And all I can do is watch, almost like a horror movie. Why still hold on when you've already started falling?

Once again, dear friend... I told you so. There's never been anyone else but you and me. The memories? To hell with the memories, they're only scars that want to make themselves heard and bleed through again. They'll always be there, 'cause you're not making any new ones. You'll always be nostalgic, always wanting to reach out into the past and grab that shining light that was once your soul. Well, it's gone now, isn't it? It's just you and me, pal... you and me.

Until the bitter end.

Thanks for the memories

2011-05-19T00:28:00.003+02:00

00.30 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Dear diary,

This breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. I've left my only comfort behind, let it slip right out of my hands. I can't stop shaking. Can't stop thinking. Just because I can't give her what she deserves, doesn't mean some other asshole is allowed to do it.

Somehow I feel like this is going to end with you having the time of your life together with someone you truly love, while I get stuck and left behind. Desperately wishing I didn't make this decision. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

"You can't break a heart that's stopped beating."

Dust devils and cosmic storms

2011-04-19T23:19:00.003+02:00

11.21 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I'm sitting here with all the lights out, a couple of lit candles and a cup of tea. Trying to make it into some kind of evening ritual before I go to bed, to gather my thoughts and write something here. Today has been alright, left school before lunch today since I had nothing to do so I could as well go home and "study"... not much studying has been done, of course. Did some cleaning, way too dusty in here, and I'm beginning to think I'm allergic to dust, and it sucks... It means that it affects my singing, and since I'm already allergic to pollen it also means that I'm walking around with a running nose 360 days a year. Shit's fucked up.

I think I need to start reaching out for people more, instead of staying inside my shell to protect myself. I'm having trouble inspiring myself, or finding things that inspire me, perhaps there's some people out there who are able to light a fire inside me again? I can think of a few candidates already, people I've been talking to for a while, but never met. I've been stuck in this place for far too long, I need to get out and get some new views, see new places, meet new people. Maybe then, my armor will disintegrate and fall of me like autumn leaves, rusted pieces of my past and concrete from the wall that has surrounded me for far too long... sure, I won't let my guard down completely, that would be foolish. But this time around, a guard post at the gate will do... not some majestic impression of the wall of China.

Also... I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow being deceived. Something ain't right, I can feel it. I can't stand being everybody's fool. Anyway, time for bed... just a day and a half left in school this week.

Nowhere

2011-04-18T22:05:00.004+02:00

10.06 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Woah. Almost 8 months since I last wrote in you. Have you missed me? I guess I've missed you too... but not enough to actually take the time to write a few words every now and then. So now I gently brush away the dust from your cover and pick up my virtual pen, and spill my soul on these blank pages...

...that is, of course, if there is any soul left in me to spill. I doubt it. But hey, first thing's first. Let's begin where we left off... I was living together with two friends here in town, but I moved out in February and now I'm currently living alone in my own 2-room apartment, just a couple of hundred meters away from my old one. Living alone is great, I can finally wander around naked without anyone screaming or fainting from the unpleasant sight. Also, I get that time alone that I need and can control myself when and how I choose to be around people. Apart from that... everything's pretty much the same. Well... I've started studying daytime now, welding. It's not that I'm actually planning to become a welder, I just need to survive. And to be honest, it sure as hell beats sitting at home all day long doing nothing. Plus, I'm actually quite good at it...

The band is going nowhere. We found ourselves a kickass drummer in November (yeah, I know... I've said this a couple of times before, but this time it's for real. He is everything I've been looking for in a bandmate.) and then got ourselves a lead guitarist in February this year, and since then we've actually begun writing a few songs, but things haven't been moving forward at all the last month. More about that later on.

Back to the pressing issue -and with the risk of sounding overly dramatic - I'm dead inside. It's true. If you'd split me in half, nothing but dust and corpses of dead moths would flow from my veins. How many times have we been through this? How many times have I told myself that I need to change, or bitched and moaned about me being unable to do so? I feel like a broken record, repeating myself over and over again. But this is for real. Back then, at least I could write about it. Now... nothing. Totally empty. No feelings. No emotion. No soul. Things that make other people cry or smile, leaves me unaffected. Indifferent. Unconcerned. Things that used to make my heart beat faster, now passes me by as gray matter. No wonder I can't create music, art or anything that requires any form of creativity.

Yeah, yeah... I fuckin' know what you're thinking. "Here he goes again, the sad clown trying to get some compassion from people around him." It ain't about that anymore. It ain't about trying to make others feel what I feel, or understand the things I go through. This time it's pure survival, without anything else blended into the mix. I don't get hurt, because there's nothing inside of me that can be damaged.

You can't break a heart that doesn't beat.

So I will keep trying... no - I will keep fighting. One step at a time, through this heavy mud, changing myself into what I need to be to take me to where I want to be. Maybe I'll fail this time too, and I'll keep posting these words until I grow old and die forgotten in some god forsaken hospital. Hopefully not.

And hey... it's good to see you again. And yes, you too...

Long time no see, bastard...

Hateful

2010-11-10T22:11:00.003+01:00

10.11 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Dear diary,

I really can't control my anger anymore. It has reached the point where it gets real frightening, it takes just one wrong word to unleash it and it grows bigger than ever before, unleashing massive amounts of hate, anger and wrath. I can almost feel my blood boiling and my heart pounding, fists clenching... I know I could do what it makes me want to do, all the barriers have been breached and there is nothing left that would stop me... maybe the thought of spending the rest of my life in prison for mutilating some whore who probably had it coming anyway... but then they'll have to catch me first.

Leaving hope

2010-11-07T20:27:00.003+01:00

8.27 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

So this is what it has boiled down to. An insight, as painful as a thousand razors running down the veins of my heart, yet it is a release. The events that led me to this conclusion have been both painful and a cause of great anger and hate. Now I know;

- I can't let people into my life because of everything that has happened in the past (consult earlier entries in this diary for explanation). Making new friends is impossible, everytime someone is starting to get close, I push them away. Hide.

- People I have considered as friends are no longer making sense to me. I have alienated myself from their life, or maybe it's the other way around? No one who knows me well wants to be around me, or lie to keep me under false pretence. I resent their actions, and have tried for far too long to endure their lies and fake smiles.

- My dreams and plans for the future all involve passionate people who are willing to burn together with me as one. As a result of my inability to engage in long-term relationships, this is impossible to achieve.

- I'm alone in this. No one feels like I do, no one can ever understand me, because I can never explain myself fully to anyone. This leads to solitude.

- Solitude means that my hopes and dreams are all in vain. Without any ability to share or explain them fully to another living being, they will remain in my head until the day I die.

- This insight leads me to the conclusion that because my dreams and plans for the future will never be realized, my life is worthless. Meaningless. Pointless.

- A pointless existense is redundant, and does not contribute in any way to the society or to himself, and therefore must cease to exist. Self-termination is the only option.

- Suffering within the lone individual will increase with time passed after the conclusion has been made. A quick decision and execution of before mentioned measure is of the essence.

- Since outside help can't be accepted because of my mental condition and various flaws in my personality, such offers will be firmly, but kindly ignored.

Looks like I've lost this battle against time. We all do, eventually, but this time it's my turn.

Night's sorrow

2010-10-25T03:57:00.004+02:00

4 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I fucked up. Big time. Now I don't know what to do...

Away with these nightmares

2010-10-24T04:05:00.003+02:00

4.05 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Should've been asleep by now, but instead I got stuck on some random video-page, watching fail-videos and random clips for about 3 hours. Total fucking waste of time. Which is all I do nowadays. Wasting time, wasting possibilities, wasting talent, wasting dreams - wasting life. And it has come to the point where I am totally helpless, I can't change the situation even if I wanted to, I lack the strength to drag myself out of this hole I've fallen into, which creates so much anger inside of me that I'm afraid I'm going to burst in a thousand pieces at any given moment. There is so much I want to accomplish, and time is running out. Let's face it - I'm worthless, and too damn proud to admit it to myself, so I'll keep on planning, keep on dreaming, keep on thinking that maybe one day I'll be strong enough to get to where I want, only to realize that it's too late - and has been for decades.

A bullet to my head would be the best solution, that way all this anguish, anger and suffering would end, and I'd take my dreams to my grave where they would rest peacefully for once. I'm so tired of this... so tired of everything.... just so tired...

Bad seed

2010-09-21T23:51:00.002+02:00

11.51 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

Can't take this any longer. I'm trapped. Behind bars.
No one... should ever be caged...

Join the club

2010-08-31T17:12:00.003+02:00

5.12 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I remembered too late what effects that medication has the day after you've taken it... Woke up around 4 PM, dizzy, tired, blurred vision. I've been walking around in a coma ever since, but at least I've managed to eat something. The hospital called earlier... a really nice nurse or... receptionist, whatever... she asked me how I was doing, if it was an emergency or if I could wait a couple of weeks to get an appointment with a doctor. I said it didn't matter, I mean, I've lived with this for so long, what difference does it make? She seemed to care at a genuine level, nowadays you always get the feeling that people who work at hospitals, doctors, nurses and so on, they don't care about their patients, it's just their job to try and make everyone feel better, and they don't commit on a personal level.

But maybe that's what they've got to do to remain sane... what do I know. Anyway, I need to get up on my feet and do some grocery shopping... if I can make it outside without falling, I'm feeling so dizzy...

Thorn within

2010-08-31T01:35:00.002+02:00

1.36 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I can't sleep. I can't relax, when I close my eyes, everything I've been holding back comes rushing back through my head, like a giant wave. I had to wake Alex up to ask her if I could take some of her Theralen... but that stuff's so weak it doesn't make any difference.

I did something I never thought I'd do again... I booked an appointment with a doctor to get treatment for my psychic illnesses... I'm so afraid right now. I can't talk to them, I can't say the right words to make them understand. They'll just put me on some weak medication and then say everything will be better. They won't understand.

To something better

2010-08-30T23:39:00.004+02:00

11.40 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Where do I take this pain of mine
I run but it stays right by my side
So tear me open, pour me out
The things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me, so hold me until it sleeps

Dear diary,

Another update, far too uncommon these strange days. But tonight, I'm cleaning out this dark, twisted, sinister closet full of too many ghosts to even begin to grasp. I'm unable to give an update of what I've been up to since the last post, too many things that are spinning around inside my mind, my memory fails me... almost as if it has started to fade away, in some clever manouver to erase the past that constantly haunts me. I mean... I thought I was doing well. Still far from sane, or through with this disease... but better than before. And all of a sudden, I find myself in a darkened room, the walls are slowly closing in, my heart is pounding, my head hurts and I can't breathe, and as I gasp for air, the last flickering light from the outside world disappears and everything is dark.

"You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold..."

I know now that everything that glitters is not gold. Maybe to the naked eye, the surface gleams and shines and takes you in with all it's beauty, but under that shiny surface is only dark, dirty lead. Poisonous and heavy, it is my cross to bear. My cross to die upon. It's the freedom I want, but why I want it, I cannot tell. Too many things I cannot tell, too many conclusions to be made for too many problems and issues. It's too heavy, I can't stand straight any longer, drags me down to the surface of the planet like a ticking clock, taking me closer to my grave... tick...tick...tick.

Time will forever be my greatest nemesis, the one thing I cannot defeat or overcome. Helpless.

It's hurting people around me, people I hold dear for the very relief they bring into my life, light that shines my way so I don't trip and fall down into the deep abyss beyond my path. Decisions to be made, so many things to decide... I'm dizzy 24/7, like walking around in a thick fog that surrounds me, eats me through every breath I take, making it's nest deep inside my lungs, filling them with it's suffocating presence inch by inch.

No matter what I do, things always seem to get worse. And I can do nothing. Helpless.

Maybe I was never meant to share my life with anyone. Maybe I wasn't meant to live at all, I mean... who knows? Maybe someone should have stood in front of me in the line, but somehow didn't make it, so they had to send out the substitute who didn't really meet the qualifications, but had to go out there into the world anyway. Fate, as we know it, maybe it's all predefined, and there is no way to get out of the carousel once it has started spinning? Sometimes I feel like I can't hold on to anything, it's always slipping out of my hands, regardless of how much I need it to live. Sometimes, I am the one to blame, not seeing clearly what I need and what I want, and sometimes people just slip right out of my hands without a last chance to hold on to them. The power of free will. Or maybe the power of my fucked up mind.

I can't stop my mind from unraveling, sending misery and pain out to harm everyone around me. But they can't even begin to understand the pain it brings inside to see them hurt by my actions. It's like thorns pressing against my heart, piercing through it's very core with poisoned tips. Maybe that's what makes it skip a beat every now and then.

If it's all about being free, why doesn't freedom alone make me satisfied? When will I ever be satisfied? I fear the answer is; never. No matter how high I fly, the sun will always be too far away. No matter how much success I have, no matter how big and shiny my crown is, there will always be a hunger for more, and more, and more. The grass could very well be greener on the other side, but if it tastes good, does it make it worth it? I can't tell. I never can't tell.

Helpless.

Antiquated

2010-07-18T03:08:00.005+02:00

3.08 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Tonight, I need your love.

I need it more than ever before. It is in this very moment, the moment where all this pain, anguish, jealousy and fucked up distortions of my mind sends me crashing to the ground like a fighter pilot hit by enemy fire above no-mans land going down in flames.

Tonight, I need you close.

I need you closer than anyone has been ever before. I need to feel every inch of your skin touching mine, every beat of your heart resonate through my aching limbs. I need to sense your pulse next to mine, and become one with it. I need you to unravel the secrets of my heart, break the chains that have imprisoned me inside this mind and body.

Tonight, I need your sympathy.

I need you to understand why I'm desperatly trying to dig deeper into my past to find answers that never were there from the beginning. I need you to understand why my heart misses a beat every now and then, I want you to see the scars hidden underneath my skin. I need you to sense the fear I live with every second of my life, the fear that lies so deep inside my mind I can't reach it, can't pull it out, can't erase what's constantly tearing me apart.

Tonight, I need your patience.

I need you to wait for me. I need you to tell me it's worth it, that this dusty road is taking me closer to the place where I find peace. I need you to kiss me and tell me everything will be alright, that life is beautiful and show me everything in life that I have been blind to before. I need you to breathe life into me, but most of all, I need you to patiently wait while I fight this battle with my past.

Tonight, I need you to complete me.

I need your laughter to fight away my tears. I need your breath to force my lungs to cooperate. I need your hands to guide mine, your legs to walk me towards my target, even if there is no target to be found. I need your clear thoughts to compete with my disillusioned view of the world, I need you to tell me I am wrong. I want you to lead me, step by step, hand in hand, to a better tomorrow.

Tonight, I need your love.

I need it more than ever before. When I'm scared, lonely and hopelessly lost inside the wanderings of my mind. When memories of the past, once happy and bright, now plague me as dark and twisted nightmares, always with me, asleep or awake. When I'm stubborn as a child and won't admit that I'm letting things go too far. When I'm letting the sickness guide my hands, and my eyes. When I'm alone, and desperately crying out for help, for someone to take me in their arms and give me comfort and safety, if only for a brief moment. When everything I do is focused on one thing, and everything else gets left behind. When all I do is obsess, obsess, obsess over something that hasn't been mine for a long time, when all I really should do is obsess, obsess, obsess over you. When I get caught off guard, daydreaming of a better place in a perfect world, where all my sins are washed away and I can start all over again, when I really should be living the dream that is you instead. When I fail to call you back, when I'm not in the mood for sex, when I can't convince myself to get dressed and go to that party because all I want to do is crawl into a dark corner and stay there until my mind has stopped spinning. When I'm out in public and all of a sudden get tense and stop making conversation, when I'm not there for you. When all of this is through - if it ever will be - I will still need all of this, but tonight, most beloved, tonight, I need your love.

Release the wolves

2010-07-14T01:53:00.003+02:00

1.54 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Jealousy and envy is fucking with my head again. It just won't let me be, like a giant poisonous black cloud engulfing every drop of sense in my head. I'm letting it control me, I'm letting it take advantage of me. I can't live like this. It has got to stop.

Carry with us

2010-06-14T22:58:00.004+02:00

10.57 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

It's been too long, as usual. I'm getting sick of spilling my anguish over these blank pages, so sick of trying to explain to the world what I'm suffering from. So I stop, but from time to time I come back to make a post. And now it feels like I have nothing more to say, but I'll try to give a sitrep at least.

Things are changing, both around me and inside of me. I feel different since we last met, dear old diary. I can't really tell whether I'm moving in the right direction, or in any direction at all. I'm just floating, slowly through this reality around me, feeling disconnected from it - like a leaf, in the merciless hands of the strong autumn winds. Most of the time, it's quiet inside my head. I can still hear the echoes, still feel the whispers coming from the dark corners of my mind, but the constant hell I've been through for the last couple of years have started to wear out its welcome. I have a feeling though that it won't keep quiet for long, maybe it's just licking its wounds from our last battle - and it wasn't the onöy one who got hurt. I've got scars of my own, scars I try to hide in my everyday life, trying so damn hard not to let myself be vulnerable in front of others.

The loneliness is the worst. I have a cronic feeling of loneliness and emptiness. In a room full of people I know, I still feel alone, like no one hears me talking, or my words come out distorted and twisted. Because of that, I get quiet, and when I'm quiet people think I'm shy or rude - and further increase their distance from me. And I'm still sleeping alone through the nights, my whole body is aching to hold someone close, to feel the warmth of another body next to me, and sense their heartbeats next to my own irregular beats, creating a soothing rhythm that propels me into peaceful dreams of a better tomorrow. A tomorrow where I'm tightly holding hands with someone my heart beats faster just by looking at. A place where I wake up every morning to the faint sound of breathing, bad-breath kisses on my neck, soft hands running down my chest. Somewhere I belong. And so I keep on dreaming. Solitude is my new curse, my cross to bear this time around - and I blame only myself. Myself and my fuckin' head playing mind tricks on me, fooling me into believing I don't need anyone, that all the girls in the world will offer their bodies to me - the great rockstar with the giant ego, and a neverending appetite for sex, booze, drugs, tits and rock n' roll. But that's not me, that's just a role I'm desperately trying to grow into. Learn to play it so well that one day I'll become that actor, our personalities meld into one. Some days I feel invincible, and that everyone wants me, I'm Mr.Perfect, with looks that kill, sharp dressed and smooth. But let me tell ya, that shit wears of faster than you can say "manic depressive!". The next second, I'm back to that dark fucking place again. And so the broken record plays...

I guess I've lost track of where I'm going. Things aren't moving that fast anymore, and I've lost focus. The band isn't going anywhere, we're losing members, and I'm feeling like my vision isn't getting through to the others. In order to fulfill my dreams, my companions must share my vision and my will to reach the stars. I find myself looking back into old memories once again. I find a kind of solace there that makes me both smile and weep, the emptiness they've put inside of me, and the longing to get back just to experince those times again. I watch old photos, listen to the same music, think of all the times I've had with people close to my heart. I'm growing older by the minute, and I still can't pull myself out of this damn chair, out into the world and make something of this life. But maybe it's too late for me now. Time will tell... and I hate that saying more than anything, cause' all time does is tell you how little there is left of it.

"Don't you want somebody to love? Need somebody to love?"

Heartbeats

2010-05-05T00:56:00.000+02:00

1.57 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I couldn't bring myself to write anything here tonight, even though I want to write a book with a thousand pages about how much I want you to be mine. There would be a thousand appendixes, each and every one giving you another reason why I need you, want you, love you. So instead I reached into my mind and brought up some dusty old memories, and made them into some lyrics for you. In Swedish this time. I hope you like them.

http://decemberskuggor.blogspot.com/2010/05/8-nastan.html

Blood on me

2010-04-13T01:32:00.001+02:00

1.32 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

I'm keeping quiet til there's no more sirens
Lately it's hard to keep the hinges on with all the noise
I'll find my words when there's no one talking
The room is spinning, I have got no choice
Be patient, I am getting to the point

I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then
I'm only spinning

Dirty women

2010-03-30T05:47:00.004+02:00

5.47 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Dear diary,

Yet another nearly-nude pic. I kinda like it like that. It gets me in the right mood, plus, my fascination for the female body is neverending. Such beatiful pieces of art, the bodies that some women carry around... A lot of my female friends have killer bodies, and all I can think of is how great they'll look without all the clothes they're wearing. I think I'll have to get rid of that habit, it's makes normal conversation so much harder...

Anyway, today's been full of... nothing, really. Woke up late, did nothing but sit on my ass in front of the screen all day. I really can't stand being here... I mean, it's great spending time with my family and all, but I feel like I just don't belong here. Feelin' a bit like E.T. Or Sting. Played some WoW, and all of a sudden it was 4 AM in the morning, and here I am. Alone.

And that's probably the worst, I'm so alone here. Noone in their right minds would take their time to get out here, and besides, there's no buses or trains that go here anyway. So that leaves it to just people with drivers licenses or someone who'll drive them here, and I don't exactly know a lot of 'em. It's strange how that works for me, at some times I could do anything to be alone, but now, all I want is to have someone to lay my arms around when I go to sleep. It has improved a lot lately, the whole "in-need-of-safety" thing. I guess it's because I've chosen this lifestyle that is so uncertain and wild that you really can't get used to being safe and sound. This is like some kind of intermission, I'm just waiting around for the next stop on this journey, and hopefully, that'll come real fuckin' soon. 'Cause I've never been fond of waiting around for things to happen. Well, time for some well-deserved (not!) sleep. Tomorrow (today) I'll try and get some things done around here, if I wake up in time... Later!

I'd fight hell to hold you.

Get your gunn

2010-03-28T22:22:00.004+02:00

10.22 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Pseudo-morals work real well
On the talk shows for the weak
But your selective judgements
And goodguy badges
Don't mean a fuck to me
I throw a little fit
I slit my teenage wrist
The most that I can learn
Is in records that you burn
Get your gunn, get your gunn

Dear diary,

Shit, about bloody time, 'innit? Figured I had to come back here at some point right, and even though my eyes are burning and my head is heavy, I'll take some time to spill my shit on these virtual blank pages.

I'm at home, home in Småland that is. Moved away from Borås this weekend, all that's left now is an empty apartment, and some memories that'll forever live with me. It was an era, like many before it, but this particular one has proved to be easier to let go and leave be. I'm making progress, and really fast too. A bit unused to this speed, but after a while everything'll find it's place and everything will go down just fine. So this week I'll hopefully get a letter from my school that says I got in, as soon as it gets here me and Tommy are off to Vätterhem again, and if everything works out we'll be leaving with a key in our hands. It feels great, and I'm really looking forward to living there, I mean, most of my friends live there, we rehearse there and so on...

About that... I finally figured out a name for our band, but due to "secret circumstances" I can't really tell what it is yet. But it's gonna rock when we bring this out into the eyes and ears of the public, of that I'm sure. Oh, yeah, by the way - we're still looking for a lead guitarist, know anyone? If so, please tell.

I don't really know what the fuck is going on inside my head at the moment. It's a violent storm of emotions, thoughts and feelings swirling around in there, scratching at the walls, screaming and howling so loud it makes my head hurt 24/7. But hey, I'd rather have it this way than be dead inside, a little bit of chaos just makes everything more intense. And for some strange reason, things have started to work out with pretty much everything lately. A friend of mine once told me, "Sid, you get everything you want, how do you do it?", referring to my relationships, where I'd always get the girl I wanted, even if I really didn't believe I could get her in the first place. I mean, I don't mind being the focus of attention, but please, ladies - one at a time.

Uh, I should probably try and get some sleep... feels like this could've been a more focused post, but I'm kinda' not into the mood for that. Later, perhaps.

I'm better than you, punk.

Rock is dead

2010-03-15T07:12:00.003+01:00

07.12 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Woke up far too early today, but actually managed to get out of bed just 15 minutes after the alarm rang. Yay me. Will be off to Jönköping in about an hour, me and Tommy have an appointment at Vätterhem with an administrator concerning an apartment we've been looking at. Hopefully, we'll be able to move in this week, or at the end of this month, which'll be a major relief. All this traveling back and forth between Borås and Jönköping is starting to get really boring. Had a great weekend, by the way, I had a party at my place, lot of people, lot of booze. A bit of drama, but everything turned out just fine in the end.

The stress has begun tearing away at me again... and the reason is we got a gig booked the 28th of May, a mini-festival in Torsåker, Sweden. So far, we've never rehearsed with a complete band setting, and time is of the essence since we have to come up with at least 4-5 songs until then, and maybe manage to record our first demo. But I have faith in this, there's a feeling inside of me that says that this might just work out. We might just have what it takes. And I ain't gonna let a single thing in the world get between me and my dreams.

Oh well, gotta get something to eat now... later.

Overkill

2010-03-09T10:08:00.002+01:00

10.08 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Duuuuuude. This isn't working out. You'll just have to get used to my absence. Things are about to get busy round here pretty fuckin' soon.

Hanging by a moment

2010-02-23T05:14:00.003+01:00

5.14 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Oh dear. It seems like I'm suffering from terrible separation anxiety. I'm going through all my stuff, packing everything into boxes once again. My life, my possesions, memories - everything neatly put into a box and stacked. I'm having a hard time keeping myself happy while looking at that pile of boxes... what can it be... two cubic metres? Three? Such a tiny space, still it contains my whole life. My reality. Makes you realize how small and worthless your existence really is, just a tiny piece of dust in this universe. And yet we think of ourselves as superior, the human race. Talk about hypocrisy...

Anyway, I'm slowly starting to feel like this separation will be harder than I thought. When I first made the decision, it all went so fast. I got the call that Tommy had left us, hung up, sat down for a couple of minutes, then announced to Johan and my parents that I was moving back. Afterwards, I felt relieved. As if me moving here was totally unplanned, and that now I could turn things back on the right course again. But I'm not so sure anymore... The first reason I wanted to move here was to get closer to my friends. But when I finally got here, nearly all of them were no longer considered friends. So all I had left was my memories of the times I spent here with my ex-girlfriends... and that made me realize that once again... I was chasing after shadows of the past, desperately trying to make them become reality again. And that ain't going to happen, never again...

I've spent nearly a year here, 9 months at least, all while doing nothing to improve my situation. And now I'm leaving again. I'm going to miss this place, so bad. It feels as if my leaving is the end of an era, the final sign that I'm now giving up my 6-year long pursuit of the past. Yeah, that's right - for the past 6 years everything in my life has been about the past, I've tried so hard to make my memories into reality, a desperate try that has made me do terrible things to many people, some who have deserved it, and some who have not. As I sit here today, in front of this screen, I can honestly say that I regret everything, from the first moment it started. But then again, it was inevitable. My treacherous mind led me down this road, and took me to the very end more than once, only to cut the noose and throw me back out on the road again. Six fucking years of chasing, hating, bleeding, suffering... all for nothing. The people I have sought to bring back into my life have only gotten further out of my reach, some of them hate me and never want to see or hear from me again. I have successfully eliminated all my possibilites to share my memories with them ever again, or to have a friendly relationship with them. I've burned my bridges, and I've been standing on the other side, crying out for someone to rebuild them and let me walk back to where I came from, the only place where I felt safe. Six fucking years, gone, wasted on chasing ghosts, trapped in the prison of my own mind. Maybe it isn't over - I know it ain't over - cause' I'll never, ever, stop thinking about the past, and how much I miss it. If only I could go back in time, and do everything from the beginning. I would give anything to make things right.

I'm gonna continue going through my things, I guess... but this feeling is only getting stronger. Looks like I'm back at square one. Again.

Parallel dimensions

2010-02-22T06:30:00.002+01:00

6.30 AM, Borås, Sweden

"And never moving forwards, so there'll never be a past."

Dear diary,

There's no telling where to go from here. Living each day as a lie, or ignoring the truth we all see clearly. Conforming into a pattern, and leaving no trace behind whatsoever. I just don't know how to handle things.

But hey, I'm doing alright. For now. Darkness, my old friend, has kept quiet for the last week, not a single word, not a whisper. Zip. Zero. Nothing. Maybe it's the calmness before the storm? I feel like fuckin' Gollum, sitting on that stone, speaking to the good and evil part of him.

"Leave now, and NEVER come back!"

Would have been cool if that had worked out for me, after all, I've tried to shake this far too many times. Anyway... what's up? What's happening? Not much, I guess. February 22nd today, a few weeks left until I leave this town, and move back to Småland. It struck me just this morning, as I stood and watched out the window, seeing the glow from all the lights in town leaving traces over the morning sky, the stillness outside... I'm gonna miss this town. Just not the people in it, but the town as well. Others might have trouble understanding my fascination for urban environments, but I find them nearly as beautiful as the wilderness, if not more beautiful. There's a certain feeling in the air, an aura that a city is emitting, that makes it so colorful, so interesting. When you're walking through a large city a warm summer night, alone or with a friend, go to a park or a similar location, and just sit down for a while and listen. The sounds of the city are so colorful and diverse; cars, the sound of laughter, screaming, talking, ventilation systems, the sound of the wind - everything mixes together into one big buzz, and you can almost touch the sound if you reach out your hand. I never grow tired of wandering through a city, with or without company. More often, the latter... since I have trouble finding people who understand this or enjoy it as I do.

You know... it's funny... when you have a dream where you cut your hair, everyone says that it means that you will go through major changes very soon, and that it is positive. I cut my hair last week, a completely new haircut, and ever since I haven't had problems with my mood. It has been almost constant, without any ups or downs. Maybe what they say is true. But to be honest, I think it is because I feel better about myself. I feel more attractive, and my apperance is my first shield against the world around me. If my armor is cracking, it can hurt me, and now I feel like the cracks are getting fewer and fewer. I've had major mental breakdowns because of all the anxiety I have concerning my own ability to uphold my self esteem. I can honestly say that everything is depending on how I feel, if I feel strong, sexy, attractive. I've spent countless nights lying awake, trying to tell myself " I can make it, I look good, I'm a good singer, I know how to be a performer." but never really having any success in making it into reality. But now, I feel like I've taken a big step towards making that true. My dream. I mean, who's gonna listen to a band where the singer is a stuttering, nervous little bitch, trying to look cool but failing miserably? I wouldn't. So much about this style is depending on image, looks that kill, the fact that people are attracted to a certain stereotype - the classic rockstar. Rude, mean, self-centered assholes with a bad temper, but still with an amazing ability to get laid and look good while doing it. I've never really believed I can meet the demands of that stereotype, and maybe I never will, but I'm sure as hell gonna give it a shot.

What if this is a turning point? The one thing I have been waiting for forever, but never reached even once. When everything has been chaos inside my mind, when the walls are falling down around me, the one thing I wished for was to feel that once in a while, it goes the other way too. Hit the brakes, do a 360, and then it's full speed again. In the right direction, this time. I have a whole lot of catching up to do, I'm 5 years late to this party, but I'll do my best to enjoy it anyway. After all, things are looking brighter in the near future. In just a few days, all my debts will be paid by my father when he recieves the final payment for the auction of our farm... and it is a huge weight that will be taken off my shoulders. Second, moving back to Jönköping doesn't feel like moving backwards in time, instead, it feels like a new beginning. Getting closer (as close as it gets without living with each other) to the band, and being able to focus more intensively on the creative process that ultimately will propel us into superstardom. Or better.

This post is getting a bit unfocused and messy, but it shows clearly what state my mind is in. I feel like I'm floating in space, a small planet drifting aimlessly through the vast reaches of the universe, colliding with meteors all the time, but drifting onwards anyway, scarred, but an experience richer.

This might work out this time around.

The worst in me

2010-02-09T18:34:00.004+01:00

6.34 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Time flies by. Every second that goes by is a countdown. T- your life, and still counting. You wish you could make every damn one of 'em worth it. Worth being alive. But you just can't, you can't make yourself feel alive any longer. Everything you do, from the smallest thing, makes you tired. Even getting out of bed in the morning is a hard task, and takes every inch of determination you can muster. It's safe to say that this - in the purest form of the word - is hell.

I feel like I am repeating myself. Like an old record skipping on a beat, over and over again.

I can't live like this. I need to get out of this.

Do I get out of it? No, fuck no, everything I do only takes me further down this spiraling hellhole that is my life. Everything's just dead inside, my creativity has since long fled the field, and took every little bit of vitality with it. I'm breathing, but I'm not alive. Time flies by.

6.52 PM

I can't handle people anymore. It has been getting far worse than any time before, and the bare thought of approaching someone, talking to someone I don't know throws me into an anxiety attack. Even speaking to people over the internet puts me on needles. And I don't know why, why the hell am I so afraid of contact? Why can't I handle being social and extrovert like everyone else? Imagine what a major fuckup it would be... I can see myself standing there on stage, freaking out because everyone is looking at me, and running away from there. Fleeing, like the useless coward I am. Useless. Fuckup.

7.53 PM

Well, what do you know. Anger turns to hate, hate turns to helplessness, and now I'm back to normal again. Still pissed off, at myself mostly, but looking forward to things again. So...what was it... like... 1 hour? Yeah, 1 hour. That's all it took for me to go straight from deep depression to feeling alright again. Fuck you, manic depressive disorder.

I'll shoot the moon

2010-01-28T08:14:00.002+01:00

8.14 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

This is getting far too usual, this delay between updates, so I'm not even going to explain why. I often find myself sitting here, clicking that "new post" button, and then just sitting there staring at the blank page, trying to find a reason why I should trouble myself with coming up with anything to write down. It's not like I'm an interesting person nowadays. I mean... I have a lot of stuff I could write about, stuff that interests me... but rarely no one I know has the same interest in those things. This is supposed to be a diary anyway, and it would be kinda' weird to publish anything else than diary entries.

Anyway, what's been up? Keeping myself busy? Not really. I was supposed to start studying a couple of weeks ago, and actually looked forward to it a tiny bit. But as soon as I got there, and sat down in that room together with all the other people, a feeling of insecurity and anguish rushed over me and I nearly freaked out and ran out of there. I've never felt more misplaced anywhere in my whole life - I mean, the people there... school dropouts, immigrants who could barely speak Swedish, single moms who've realized they can get more cash from studying than they get from child support and other lowlifes. I know I'm so much better than all these fuckers, so I went straight down to their office and quit school again. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle working together with all that scum, and besides, the only reason I go to school is so I can get money to survive. I'm smarter than most people already, and even though I don't mind studying, I prefer to do it in another environment than that.

And also... we've lost yet another drummer. Tommy moved back to his hometown, leaving us empty-handed. Though we've been getting slightly used to standing without a complete lineup for the band, this came as an unexpected blow to my dreams. Once again, doubt has arisen within the band, and I fear we'll never get this thing going if something isn't done about it. So that's why I'm movin' back to Jönköping. To get closer to the band, to rehearsals, to my friends, and hopefully that'll do the trick. It was a hard decision, expecially considering how much I like this town and the people in it, but in the end, my dream had to be taken into perspective. And I'd do anything to reach the top, and I believe this is only one of the sacrifices that has to be made to reach that place. Today I'll be going down to my landlords office to sign the papers, and 3 months from now, I'm hopefully ready to settle in down there. It's not like there's a great distance between the two towns anyway, just a one hour ride by car or bus and you're there, but the difference lies in the attitude of the people. Everyone in Jönköping seems to be so damn uptight and introvert, totally lacking the ability to let loose or take things less seriously. But maybe that's just to our advantage, since it's going to be easier for a band like us to stand out in the crowd. Either way, I'm outta here in 3 months.

Doing some laundry right now, and feeling a bit tired from being up all night. I've been feeling dizzy for the last two days now, like someone has hit me in the head or something, and also, my vision is weird, as if my eyes have suddenly moved and inch into my skull. Don't know why, but I hope it goes away soon. Uh... yeah, that's about it for now... I guess. Some coffee would be nice... I'll go make myself a cup.

Later.

Happiness is

2010-01-18T21:30:00.002+01:00

9.30 PM, Borås, Sweden

There are things I've done I can't erase
I want to look in the mirror, see another face
I said never would I do it again
I want to walk away, start over again

No more rain
No more roses
On my way, shake my thirst in a cool, cool pond

There is a winner in every place
There is a heart that's beating in every page
The beginning of it starts at the end
When it's time to walk away and start over again

I haven't felt this love for music in a long time. I've been listening to Tom Waits from time to time before, but never really listened to it, while reading the lyrics at the same time. And that was when it struck me, the full aspects of the love of music, the thing that I live and breathe. I'm having great trouble putting it into words, even at this moment of clarity and inspiration. I suppose I'm hitting another high tonight, and I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts. Soon it may be over for this time, and I'm falling down into that dark place again.

I have to break this habit, I have to set myself free from the chains that bind me. My life will never be worth living as long as I'm imprisoned by this mental illness, this motherfucker that has taken place inside my head. I met Zandra today, first time since we broke up. It felt nice, after all I feel like I can be myself around her. I guess this is harder to her than me, but that was the way it had to be. Maybe we can have a friendly relationship instead.

I intended to write a bit longer today, but I kinda' ran out of things to write. For now, at least. Guess I'll be going back to listening to the sweet tunes of Tom Waits and let the night unfold as it should. Later.

Is another mistake

2010-01-15T08:44:00.002+01:00

8.44 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Been awake for little over an hour right now, and as far as that goes, it's quite unusual. My diurnal rhythm has been fucked up so many times now that I'm amazed I still can get out of bed, at whatever time I may wake. Didn't sleep too well tonight, a lot of nightmares lately. But I guess that's something I've been getting used to. First things first - I'm single.

Hah, fucker. I knew it. Couldn't figure that out, could ya?

Shut up. I gave it an honest try, didn't I? Damn right. I guess it all came to the point where I was no longer able to see a difference anymore. What started out so sweet, all turned so wrong in the end. And I'm only blaming myself, 'cause in the end it's my fucked up head that started all this. It seems that once again, I've fallen deeper into depression. Deeper than I can handle. I began too see some warning signs about a month ago, when I couldn't bring myself to care about things I cared about earlier. Things that made me happy before wouldn't bring any joy any longer. Everything became an unfocused blur of events that I just couldn't bring myself to enjoy. Then came the disgust for other people. I became more and more aware of my hatred of other humans, seeing clearly why the human race more than ever deserves to be wiped from the planet. I didn't want to be touched, didn't want anyone close, it made my skin crawl. And that isn't exactly optimal conditions for a relationship is it? I even lost my appetite for sex - and to me that is losing my appetite for life itself. Nothing seemed to matter, and I couldn't look forward to anything. So it had to be that way, 'cause I would only end up hurting her more if I let our relationship continue without me being able to feel the same as she did.

And things still haven't changed. I mean, it can change from day to day, hour to hour, second to second. The joys of a manic-depressive disorder. I can literally go from a state of total happiness down to total panic and anguish in less than a minute, and I can't live my life like that. I can't keep any feeling alive for a longer time, and it makes me feel crippled. I can't focus on anything for more than five minutes, which makes pretty much everything that involves creative thinking impossible. I fucking hate myself for not being able to spend time writing new material for the band - especially since it looks like it's gonna work out this time around. I have to get out of this mess before it's too late... but maybe it already is. I can't even start to think about all the time I've wasted in this prison of my mind, time that could be spent living my life to the fullest instead.

I've some thoughts about trying to get some medication once again. Last time I tried, it backfired heavily, and resulted in some failed suicide attempts, but maybe it'll all be different this time around. The only thing that's stopping me is having to go through all the bullshit it takes to actually get the medication. You have to go to the hospital, talk to a whole bunch of doctors, explain how you're feeling, why you're feeling that way, and how you want to feel. And I can't even explain to myself what's going on inside of me, so that would be nearly impossible. I believe I could get some results from trying lithium. It seems to be an effective treatment for the manic-depressive disorder, which is the most severe of my disorders. The others are just products of it.
We'll see what happens, if I know myself, I'll try once again to kick this shit by myself, which so far hasn't worked out a single time, only sending me deeper into it. But at least I have a little bit of faith left - thanks to the people around me. The people that matter. In their company, I don't need to pretend that everything's alright. So thanks, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being there, even when I'm being a miserable bastard. You know who you are.

Time for some breakfast. Later.

All it takes

2010-01-10T19:17:00.003+01:00

Here we go, further into apathy, one step at a time. I believe I have lost this battle, all that is left now is to wait for my existence to fade. And soon you won't see me at all...

Hello darkness...

2010-01-09T14:32:00.002+01:00

...my old friend. Ah, what the fuck, all I wrote about in my other blog was the same shit that I was writing here. No point in keeping it alive. Back from the dead, or back TO the dead, perhaps.

Rock and roll

2009-11-30T15:15:00.002+01:00

http://rocknrolloutlaw.blogg.se

That's where you'll find me from now on.

Closing act

2009-11-13T21:26:00.006+01:00

9.26 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

About damn time you guys get an update, they're far too rare nowadays. I'm honestly thinking of putting this blog to rest and get a new one that I will write in Swedish on, since there are certain people who misinterpret things I write and get mad about them for no reason at all. Anyway, about that update.

I've found a girl. A special girl, who I believe could really be "the one". You know, the one true love they talk about in all those movies and books about love, the one you never thought you'd find... and then one day, she just appears right in front of you, from nowhere. Shining more brightly than anything you've ever laid eyes on before, making your heart beat so fast you can swear it'll burst at any moment. It's strange how that works, love... you spend your life chasing after it, desperately wanting to feel it, but it never really gets true until you stop chasing it and let it come to you instead. Like she came to me. A few years ago, none of this would have made sense. That I would be sitting here tonight, with a heart so full of love for this woman and my mind spinning around, getting high on the feeling she gives me just by smiling or laughing. Love at first sight - isn't that something that the books and movies have copyrighted? Does it exist in real life as well? I used to think so, before I got my heart broken so many times that I didn't believe anyone could make it whole again. Until now.

The first time I laid eyes on her it was on her blog. Back then, just a few months ago, she was still together with her ex, Love, probably most known as "Terry Blade" from the sleaze band Redlight Attraction. I knew who he was, and at first I thought she seemed far too vain and bragged about her "famous rock n' roll singer-boyfriend", which afterwards mostly seemed to be because of my jealosy of everyone who's more successful than me. But then something changed, I couldn't resist checking her profile, reading through her blog, only getting more and more intrigued by her appearance and sheer attractiveness. Then, out of nowhere, she became single again. He left her. I mentioned this in an earlier post, referring to it as and "I want-feeling", but back then I could never imagine we would be so close today. It's almost as if it was meant to be. I often think about this, the way we make our decisions and how they guide us through life in an advanced chain reaction. What if I hadn't made that decision three years ago? Where would I be today? Even the smallest thing can be made into something really important, merely by stepping outside my door I'm making a decision that will perhaps change my life, and others as well. We're all on the same map, just tiny little markers moving around in different directions, trying to find our way through to the other side, or just trying to find our way home. Like me. And then you bump into someone, and leave a dent, a mark, a memory that he or she will carry with him for the rest of his/her life. Something that didn't mean anything in the beginning can suddenly get essential for your whole existence. My mind just spins faster and faster with such thoughts running through, but its calming in a way, to be able to grasp the very foundations of our human mind.

I'm getting off track... a far too common thing nowadays. I was meaning to tell you all how this came to be, that I now no longer walk alone. With her by my side, I feel safe again. Things aren't perfect, they never get perfect, but this is something new to me. For the first time since my mind started to refuse co-operating all those years ago, I feel relaxed and safe with her. We've only known each other for two weeks, been together for two days, but it could as well be 2 years. I can connect to her on so many levels, even if there's always gonna be a little shyness in the beginning. I can't explain how thrilled I am, just walking into this big adventure, not knowing where I'll end up or how things will evolve from now. Maybe it was time for leaving everything bad behind me, and starting over again, never looking back. I think my past will always haunt me, for as long as I live, but I'm never going to stop running. The speed blur makes everything so beautiful, and when I'm free from conscience I feel alive, ready to take on any obstacle I meet. Maybe things will turn out just fine, maybe they won't - I really don't care anymore. I'm going to stop worrying, stop trying to dig deeper into my past to find answers who never were there from the beginning, all while never looking further forward than my eyes can see. Taking chances, live my life day by day and not worrying about tomorrow - and that just might work.

Things aren't working out as they should, we're still a guitar player short of being a full band, we still have a demo to record, I still suffer from terrible stage fright, I doubt my own capabilities when it comes to fronting a band and to have the voice to back it up, I still dream nightmares about the past, I still get mental breakdowns, I'm still paranoid as hell, and I still can't seem to move forward as fast as I would like, or as fast as I know I could. But what the hell, complaining about it doesn't make it any better, does it? Damn right it doesn't. I could name a thousand other things that's bothering me, but for what purpose? Is everyone reading this going to make a change? Hell no. So I'll try to stop doing that, since it only backfires all the time anyway. And maybe that's where you and me take separate ways. You' been with me through a lot, diary, and I admire your ability to listen without interrupting... for the most part, at least. You've been my only escape at some times, spilling my anguish on these virtual pages like blood on a battlefield. When I'm trying to let go of the past, it means I have to let go of you as well. But I leave you with a smile, and I'm saving every post I've ever written here as a memory of the times gone by, to bring out someday in the future, wherever I am, to remember, to cry, to laugh, but most importantly - to know where I came from, what made me into the person I am today, the person I am tomorrow and the person I will continue to be as long as I walk this earth...

... which I no longer walk alone upon. She is so amazingly beautiful I get tears in my eyes just by looking at her. Never before have things felt so right, and I can't wait to see where fate takes us next. She made me realize there are still things left in life to savor, new places to see, new experiences, new things to learn. I might get older and older, but I'm still young at heart, with a burning desire to explore everything around me. Just like a baby, I sometimes hurt myself playing with fire, but nevertheless I get a rush whenever I get close to the flame next time. It feels as if I'm in the beginning of something beautiful, something that will change my life forever. I'm so glad I found you, Zandra. I'm so glad I get to kiss you, hold you, love you in all the ways I can. This is the beginning, this is us together into the unknown, tightly holding hands as we walk down this road. And I've never been happier together with anyone.

So... this is getting confusing even for me, I can imagine how you readers feel. I could go on and on, but let's wrap this up one final time, shall we? I still feel as if I have things to say, so there might be a post every now and then, but I'll try and stick to my new blog instead. You know how I easily get nostalgic and start missing things I've experience before. But for now, this is officially closed down. All of oyu who have been with me, as readers, through this nightmare ride - thanks for reading, even if you've only read a post before you got tired of my emo bitching and pessimistic view of the world. I never though anyone would have the patience to read through another persons diary, for that is what it is, a simple diary. But for the few people that actually have an interest in my life, this page is great. I promise to post a link to my new blog shortly.

So... with the words of Nikki Sixx, from "Home Sweet Home", lets put this thing to rest one final (?) time. Cause' his words couldn't have been more true, I'm on my way home. And her arms is the closest I've come yet. Until next time, everyone.

Love, Sid.

You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away high
So I wouldn't come home low

Just when things went right
Doesn't mean they were always wrong
Just take this song and you'll never feel
Left all alone

Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And I'm comin' off this
Long and winding road

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home

You know that I've seen
Too many romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin' off the silver screen

My heart's like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
Just set me free
Home sweet home

Ready when you are

2009-11-11T05:56:00.003+01:00

5.57 AM. Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Too tired to write anything of importance tonight... or this morning, whatever it is. Just wanted to say that I'm looking forward to seeing Zandra today, though I'm nervous as hell. Things have changed since we last talked, and now I'm starting to believe that she's what I've been looking for all my life. Everything about her is just perfect, almost dream-like... and it both frightens and fascinates me. Anyway, we'll see what happens tomorrow (today, that is), and maybe, just maybe, I've finally come to that fork in the road where I have to pick which road to follow. Let's just hope that I choose the right one, 'cause there ain't no turning back once you've started walking those endless miles.

Regardless of which path I choose, I would want her to walk by my side.
Off to a few hours of sleep, night everyone.

Queen of the night

2009-11-08T02:03:00.003+01:00

2.03 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Dear diary,

So I've been at my parents home for a day now... so far so good. But ever since I got here I've had this strange feeling I can't seem to get off my mind. It's hard to put into words, but some strange mixture of loneliness, paranoia and just feeling uneasy. The loneliness is the worst right now, it feels like I'm about to burst into tears at any given moment. I just want someone to hold me, so I can feel safe again. Other than that, not much is new... don't know when I'll go back to town again, even though I actually have something to look forward to when I get back there. Been speaking some more to Zandra, and she wanted to see me again, which is great news. She was even more beautiful in real life than I could ever have imagined, and though I was nervous as hell, she seemed to have a calming effect on me. In some way, it felt like we had known each other for a long time. Needless to say, I was enchanted by her stunning looks and great personality, which further developed my infatuation. Once again, diary, I am beginning to think that I'm falling in love. And yeah, you're right - I'm going to say the same thing again; "It feels different this time around."

But I'm damn right it does. I feel as if everything I do is like a new adventure, and for the first time ever I'm not afraid to spread my wings and just throw myself out into the skies. So what if they're full of holes, or made of lead? I'm going to enjoy the view on my way down, in that case, so don't you worry. I'm so bad at trying to hide my enthusiasm for such matters as this, and often it turns out I'm wrong about everything and have to feel the shame for taking it for granted. But even if that's the case this time around too, I won't hide that she makes me happy just by saying she feels somewhat the same. And baby, I know you're reading this - I'm sorry if I have gotten it all wrong, but you're so attractive I can't help it. We would make such a beautiful couple.

Today's gonna be kinda' nice actually, it was my fathers birthday yesterday (congratz, dad!) so today a whole lot of releatives are gonna show up here and celebrate him, which equals a lot of cake and various sweets. Nom. You know... it's like I go through a transformation whenever I get here. I come into this house wearing a mask, the one I wear everyday when I'm at home in Borås or with my friends, then I take it off and travel back four years in time when I still lived here, worked every day at the farm and didn't have a clue of what was waiting for me in the future. It feels both great and awful at the same time... I enjoy the hard work, it keeps you focused and keeps you from thinking too much. Just hard work, where you can see very clear results at the end of the day, and then you stop working and your mind gets back into city-mode, and you start missing a fast broadband connection, having a store close and being able to meet your friends without traveling 40 kilometers to the nearest train station. I know I can't stand being here longer than a few days, but that does it for me. I go back, and enjoy living in a town more than I did before, so it has its purposes being here after all. But just to complain a bit, for the sake of complaining itself, I'll end this post with a classic lyric from Guns N' Roses "Down On The Farm". Night y'all.

All I need is some inspiration
Before I do somebody some harm
I feel just like a vegetable
Down here on the farm

Nobody comes to see me
Nobody here to turn me on
I ain't even got a lover
Down here on the farm

They told me to get healthy
They told me to get some sun
But boredom eats me like cancer
Down here on the farm

Drinkin' lemonade shanty
Ain't nobody here to do me harm
But I'm like a fish out of water
Down here on the farm

I wrote a thousand letters
Till my fingers all gone numb
But I never see no postman
Down here on the farm

Colours of rain

2009-11-05T02:41:00.003+01:00

2.41 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

It feels like I have reached a point where everything just has stopped making sense. A moment of clarity, yet it is tainted by an inexplicable force that is driving me insane. I can not see the veils, for they are too close to my eyes. There is only darkness in front of me, but in the darkness there are also light. Small spots of light, drifting around in the void. Most of the spots consists of the people that help me keep breathing, but some are also made of my dreams and hopes, my interests and the things I enjoy. I've become far too reliant, far too depending on other things but my own self to keep myself alive. I cling to matters that have been long lost for me, I seek comfort in memories of sunny days when everything I needed was a smile and a kiss, and I was content. Now, these dark matters at hand drive me towards greed and a burning desire for more. I desire so many things, and when I get them, they almost instantly become obsolete in my hands, and I throw them away and start yearning for bigger, better things. This is my curse.

I do not have much to tell you about my everyday doings, since they aren't that important anyway. The only thing that matters nowadays is that my need to evolve and find new places, new things to enjoy is satisifed. And by the look of things, it isn't going very well. Most days I feel hopelessly out of place, like someone placed me in a play I do not want to take part in, but is forced to anyway because I need the money it pays to survive. All while dreaming away during the nights, dreaming of large stages with thousands of people screaming my name, riches and beautiful women. Power, the ability to become totally independent. To be able to influence the world, or even become powerful enough to rule it. You'll call me mad, even me myself does it every now and then, but my mind works in mysterious ways. Though it often decieves me and plots against me, on some rare occasions we find a balance, and then work in the same direction, against the same target. I know I'm smart, even smarter than most people around me. Maybe that's why I feel alienated from the rest of humanity. Like I know something they don't, and I know I really do. I've got what it takes, they don't. To seize something that's already been coming straight towards you shouldn't be considered as something awful. If only I could find the peace of mind I need to put my plans in motion.

Another issue that has been bothering me lately... I can't seem to find the same enthusiasm in sex that I used to have before. Just a couple of years ago, I could sleep with almost anything that had a pussy and tits, but then I found myself a girlfriend, fucked her 'til we both got tired of fucking each other, and then did the same thing twice and then... here we are. I've gotten into a lot of situations where I've consciously said no to sex with a girl, just because of this trouble I'm having. Everytime I try to get aroused and have sex with a girl, it is af is my body freezes. I can't find any attraction towards her, even if she's really sexy. And no, anyone who thinks I'm gay will get a punch in the teeth. I know that's not the case. More likely, it has gotten to the point where I've become so unsure of myself that I can't show myself in front of others. The mask has become such an obstruction that it prohibits me from doing what I once enjoyed so much. Just the few past weeks there have been lots of moments where I found out my head wants to fuck the chick I have laying next to me, but my body doesn't obey. Not even when I have been drinking it wants to co-operate. And it only gets worse. Sex keeps me alive, without it I lose even more of my passion for life, and those reserves are running dangerously low as it is. Enough complaining.

You know, this whole "don't worry, be happy" things has really worked out so far. Sure, there are times when I fall through the gaps and get depressed over things, but for the most part, I'm doing fine. Things aren't perfect, but then again, nothing will ever be perfect for me, ever. I'm looking forward to things more than before, and every day seems like a new adventure even though they usually consist of me waking up, sitting in front of the computer, and then go to bed 12 hours later again. At least I'm alive, I have plans and dreams and I look into the future and see something good just waiting to happen. Talking of things about to happen, tomorrow I'll meet this girl, whom I've mentioned before, Zandra. We've talked for a while over the Internet and she really gets to me. She's so damn attractive, and really brings out that childish "I want it now!-feeling" in me. But as always, I doubt myself on such matters. She seems to be ready to start a new relationship, and by the looks of it, she's already found a worthy candidate. But I cannot help feeling that we should fit perfectly together. We have so much in common, and she seems to understand me in a way not many others do. I'm nervous as hell, I always get like this when I'm about to meet with someone for the first time. Always striving to make a great first impression. Things really doesn't get better with her being so pretty and all... but we'll see. Maybe Mr.Pathetic gets a new rival tomorrow. And I know who would win that fight.

I was meaning to get a few hours of sleep before 7 AM when I should start doing the laundry, but that seems unnecessary at the moment, since it would only help making me even more tired when I wake up. Maybe I'll just lay down and close my eyes and see what happens. Later y'all.

Pathway

2009-11-01T14:36:00.003+01:00

2.36 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I guess I knew it all along... I'm officially lost again.

she'll fake a smile when the timing's right
but that cunt will stab you in the back
her eyes are set to make it to the top
she spreads her legs like a swing-door opens up
my bad, I started this rumour,
that you sell your mouth for a dollar
and if I know her right, that precious little whore,
she's on her back screaming out for more

Stories with bitter endings

2009-10-26T20:07:00.003+01:00

8.08 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Crazy Lixx - Death Row

Dear diary,

Well look who's finally gotten around to it. Hi! Have you missed me? Of course you have. I knew it. You're too sweet. It has been longer than ever before since I wrote a "full" post here, and in a way it feels great. 'Cause you know, I've been telling you all this shit about me feeling worse when I over-analyze my head and everything that goes on inside of it, and that's exactly the reason I have been letting this shit be for a while now. So if you're expecting to hear a full report of how bad I'm feeling, and how much I miss someone, or something, you're out of luck. I mean, I have that kind of feelings, but I'm just suppressing them, trying to focus on positive emotions... which in most cases mean I act on impulse with just about everything. And to be honest... its been working fucking great.

Lately I've met a whole lot of interesting people, I've went from having no social life, to actually spending time with people I've never met before. It's both refreshing and exciting at the same time, a little taste of what my life used to be, and what I want it to be like. Constantly meeting new people, seeing new places, trying everything at least once and not giving a shit about what anyone thinks. I'm on my way there now, I can feel it. It's like I'm reborn, and I've come flying out of the womb like a bat out of hell, ready to take on the world and any fucker who tries to mess with my plans or myself. At least I feel like that sometimes... but not nearly enough. It'll hopefully be the beginning of a new period. The next stage, or something like that. But anyways... I mentioned something about meeting some new people lately, right? Some of 'em are more than just "interesting"... and as you can probably guess, they're all female. I've been getting some attention from quite a few ladies in the past few weeks, and as much as I like it, it also makes me so confused. It's been everything from just a small comment to practically telling me they want to be together with me... and that just makes everything so much harder. Each and every one of them are special in their own way, some of them shine more than the others, but all in all they're all sweet, caring persons who I wouldn't mind spending more time with. But I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with someone again until I've cleared my mind of everything that makes me such a bad fucking person. First then can I focus on making someone else happy.

We have a band again. Big news. Even though or first rehearsal was awful, and I got so nervous I forgot how to sing fuckin' Sweet Child O' Mine, we're still a band. It may be we don't have the guitarists yet, but the foundation is there and everything feels great. Our drummer, Tommy (yeah, his name is really Tommy) is driven and entusiastic, and that's just what we need. Someone to kick our asses when we (me and my faithful basstard) get lazy. We also have a gig booked in May next year, on a small festival in some random town in the middle of Sweden, which means we have about 7 months to make and release our first demo. We have some material already, mainly stuff from our drummers old band that we decided to use, but hopefully we have a couple of new songs ready by the end of this year. Ah hell, this might just be it. The start of the journey. The only thing I doubt at this point is myself. Sometimes I feel like I can sing like a beast, that I sound fucking awesome, and some days I just can't take a single note. And the fact that not many other people have heard me sing other than on recorded songs is also worrying. What if I'm walking around in a dream, a dream that is about me being able to sing? What if I actually sound like shit? Then what am I going to do? Play guitar? Nah, I'm a singer. I know my voice isn't suited for this whole rock thing, it's too fragile and high pitched to get that attitude that, for example, Eric Martin has. It lacks the punch of say... Axl Rose or Sebastian Bach. And if the voice is missing out, the music's going to sound like shit. Everything I ever wanted was to stand in the spotlight, to be the main attraction, even though it scares the shit out of me, I know I'm going to fall into the role of the rock n' roll singer when it's time. The show must go on.

I feel better about my appearance, that's also great big news. All this attention is making me believe I'm actually attractive to some people. If it's just the projected image they've seen and liked, or if it's who I am behind the mask, I don't know. But I don't feel that apart from the mask and the real me anymore, we're kinda' growing into each other once again. That tough shell is cracking up in a big smile, showing what's behind it. And for the first time in a long while I feel like I can show it to some people without being afraid it will drive them away or make them think I'm ugly. It's probably still gonna be a big play all my life, constantly changing masks between different episodes to whatever suits me best at the time, but hopefully there will also be times when I feel comfortable with just being myself. It all depends on the attention... always the attention of others to make me feel good about myself. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.

Ah, hell... this one's longer than the previous posts at least. I've probably left out too many things that I should've informed you guys about, but as I always say... let me get back to you. Tomorrow I'll be visiting my parents again, staying there for a day or so before going back here and hopefully attending a Halloween party where a lot of the interesting people I've mentioned earlier will show up. If I can afford it. Let's hope for the best. Later y'all.

Prologue, prolongation

2009-10-22T21:28:00.003+02:00

9.28 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Ain't gonna happen tonight either. It's not that I'm too tired, I just can't find the inspiration or guts to try and put down my thoughts. I fear they will cause a very unpleasant breakdown. I'll just leave you with an exciting cliffhanger, that will eliminate the need for more meaningless posts. To be honest, I always...

Prologue, continuation

2009-10-21T22:51:00.001+02:00

10.52 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Same shit today. I was meaning to write... but as usual, taking the first step to anything is like climbing Mount Everest for me. It's a curse. So, once again... I'll get back to you. If I can get myself to it.

Prologue

2009-10-21T00:52:00.003+02:00

12.52 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Didn't want to let you down tonight, with me being back home and all... but I'm just too tired to make an effort. This place just makes everything that's good about me disappear... I'll get back to you.

Restless heart, restless mind

2009-10-12T18:33:00.007+02:00

6.33 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Blackrain - Innocent Rosie

Dear diary,

Thought I'd try something new tonight. Instead of sitting here writing a full post at the same time, I'll just post whatever I'm thinking of and how I'm feeling for a few hours ahead. That'll at least give me an idea of how much my mood swings back and forth from euphoria to depression. So... let's give it a shot.

6.35 PM

Just saw a post on Facebook from Arjana, my old girlfriend, that basically said she's about to get breast implants. I can't help but feel that old jealousy coming back to me, 'cause bigger tits mean more attention, and I'd love to have a girl everyone's talking about (and would like to fuck). Especially when it's someone I've been that close to. But hey, it's been over 4 years since we broke up... and still, we had the best sex I've ever had. Maybe that's why I miss her so at some times. My mind won't stop fucking with my head.

7.34 PM

Talking to our new drummer (hopefully) on MSN, and getting really psyched about getting together and play again. This time it feels different... I mean, it's all there, the dreams, the anticipations, the positive feeling... only this time it feels like we're actually are gonna make it. We've been doing this for so long now, without getting a single bit further down the road to stardom, but maybe it's our time now. My plan will take us there, and I believe I've found the right people to make it work out. Feels great.

9.23 PM

Something's wrong. No matter how long I sleep, I'm still tired when I wake up. Today I woke up at 7 AM, stayed awake until 10 AM and then fell asleep again and slept until 5 PM. It's not healthy, and I can't seem to shake this feeling that nothing really is worth doing any longer. I get up, get something to eat, have a cigarette, and then go back to sleep again. Worthless.

10.24 PM

Watching a Quiet Riot concert from 1984... damn, they were so good back then. I'm sitting here, trying to find a name for the band.... which has turned out to be harder than I could ever imagine. Either everything's already taken, or it doesn't fit our style. We need something that is easy to remember, something that looks good on the huge advertisements and something that you can play around with a bit. If you have a good name, please tell.

11.47 PM

Oh fuck... me and my dumb, stupid fucking heart. Just heard from Jessica that a girl whom I've been watching for a while now is single again. And yeah, you're right, the 3-year old in me comes out in the spotlight again. "I want." It's a fucking mantra, repeated inside my head over and over again until it drives me mad, and after that it continues and drives me even madder, and after that... you get the point. I should stay the fuck away from relationships, I know that. You know that. But my fucking God, she is gorgeous, and everyone wants her. Only problem, she's attractive - I'm not. I've got to make some changes again. Looks that kill.

Triage at dawn

2009-10-10T07:54:00.004+02:00

7.54 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

A whole lot of Lars Winnerbäck

Dear diary,

I love the early, cold autumn mornings. Everything is still and quiet, and the grass is shrouded in a thin layer of frost. I've been up since 4 AM, Jessica came here yesterday and she slept here, but she's still in bed. We've been doing that for a while now, just sleeping together, no sex or anything like that, just keeping each other company. I feel safe around her, which is rare nowadays. So right now I'm doing some laundry, and after that we'll get some breakfast and then I'll start packing so I can go to Jönköping and stay at Alexandra's place for a while, a week or so. She said she needed company, and I felt like getting out of Borås for a while could be a good idea. Besides, there's a lot of stuff going on with the band now so it's better if I'm there so I'll be closer to everyone. Also, next Friday there's a festival in Jönköping called "Nordisk Gårdsbandsfestival", some friends bands will be playing and I think we'll bring the band and party together with them, looking forward to it.

I don't even remember what I wrote in my last post, and I'm too lazy to look it up. But things haven't really changed that much. I'm still trying to deny everything I'm feeling, and some days I'm doing just fine, some days it's worse. I guess I'm getting by after all. Had a coffee with Louis yesterday before my meeting at the job centre, it felt nice too see her again, she seems to be doing alright. I'm glad we can still keep our friendship. Also met Tina yesterday, she came here and helped plait some dreads into my hair so I could see what it looked like before I decide whether to get it for real. It looked really weird, and I'm not sure it's really "me", but we'll see. It'll take a bit of courage to do something drastic about my appearance. I'm feeling bad about the way I look already, so if it would look bad I'd probably freak out and feel even worse about myself. I think I looked great before, last year, with the white hair and different styles I had. Much of that was because of the great work done by Marlene and Tina, and then all of a sudden I dyed it black again, and I instantly felt like I lost everything that made me look good. Now, with all this waiting of my hair getting longer, I feel ugly as hell. People tell me different, but I just can't believe them. I have a mirror, and I'm not blind... but hopefully, it'll get better when the hair has gotten longer. So there you have it - one of my biggest fears, and what makes me so unsure of myself.

I should get up and make some coffee, maybe wake Jessica up and go get some breakfast for us, and also try to decide whether I'll be going to Jönköping today or not. Later y'all.

Walking in circles

2009-10-06T07:28:00.004+02:00

7.27 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

It's way past dawn and I'm still awake. In fact, I've only been up for a couple of hours. Sleeping is the only thing I'm really good at nowadays. It's freezing cold outside, autumn has put a firm grip on this country once again, and as much as I like it, I can't help my feet from feeling cold. I need to get some warmer clothing, and a pair of gloves so I won't get a frostbite, that would suck. How long has it been since I last wrote here? A week? More? Less? I've lost track... still, I can't shake this feeling of guilt that strikes me when I haven't written here for some time. It's as if I think someone actually cares about what I write, and I have to continue or else they're gonna miss it. Yeah right.

So... how am I doing? Great question... and I don't feel like answering it, 'cause I'm doing just fine without thinking about how I'm doing. The last few weeks have been like this, I try hard not to think too much about everything, to take things as they come and not do too much planning. All in all, it has worked out fine, with the occasional breakdown now and then. Last night, when at my parents house, I lied down and listened to music before I fell asleep, and as I shuffled through my playlist on my mp3 player I came across the song "Tidvis" by Lars Winnerbäck. I don't know why, but for some reason, as I listened to the song, everything I've been denying lately just catched up with me and I started crying violently. At the end of the song I was nothing more than a shaking pile of bones, doing everything I could to hide the fact that I was crying for my parents. And as if it wasn't enough, the song "Wrapped On Your Arms" by Fireflight came right next after "Tidvis" and further fueled the full blown anxiety attack I was having. I think of one person when I hear that song, and I think you know who after all this time, and the words "Wrapped in your arms - I'm home" have never been more true for me. I've never felt so complete anywhere else... just to be safe, and not have to think about antyhing else than just the two of you. I'd give pretty much anything to feel that safety again. That feeling of being home, where you belong.

I'm always searching for things to blame. Things that can explaing the way I feel. It makes you feel better when you know who's your enemy, what's behind all this malice going on inside your head. And I believe this feeling of not belonging anywhere is one of the greatest causes of my mental instability. I'm like a stranger in my own body, constantly trying to get back to who I was before all of this started, and failing miserably at the task. Not only am I hurting myself with all of this, I'm hurting others as well. If it was only me, I guess I could try to solve the problem in a far easier way, but things have gone past that point. I'm running around like a lost child in a giant mall, looking for someone to take care of him and show him the road back to safety, only I don't admit that to anyone, not even myself. I live in denial of myself and my own actions, believing I can be someone else, someone better, not realizing I can't improve anything until I've figured out myself. Shit... it makes me so confused thinking about this when I've tried so hard to put it away for some time now. But to be honest, I know what I need. But I don't know where to find it, so I just go on hurting myself again and again, stubborn to the very last breath. It's almost as if I haven't made any progress at all, just look back a few months on the things I've written in those posts - it's the same shit, over and over again. So maybe I'm not doing myself a favor by trying to ignore everything instead of trying to deal with it, but hey, it hasn't worked out yet, has it? So I'll just keep smiling, keep dreaming, and keep breathing. That's about everything I'm able to do to keep myself together.

I feel like I have so much to write, and when I started writing on this post, my mind was clear and I knew exactly what to write... now I feel dizzy and everything's just spinning. I need a cigarette...

Later.

This pain that we refuse

2009-09-30T01:54:00.005+02:00

1.55 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Marionette, Marionette, and Marionette...

Dear diary,

Yeah, dear diary. It's such a cliché, but to be honest, you are very dear to me. It's like you're the only one who understands me, 'cause this is the feeling I'm living with inside of me every day. That no one understands me, no one can see what I really mean, what I really want to do. It's like screaming your lungs out, but your scream gets muted halfway through your throat, and you choke on it instead. Nothing gets easier when you're constantly getting misunderstood, and it surely doesn't help that I can't seem to find any words to explain to someone how I feel. I feel... alienated. I need... yeah, I really need someone who understands me. Be it a partner, a friend, or just someone I can trust.

So, a quick walkthrough of my latest activities.
Met Jessica yesterday, she spent the night here, we watched a documentary of Lars Winnerbäck and talked about a lot of the things that are troubling me. Felt really good, I feel I can trust her with a whole lot of my thoughts. Today we went downtown to meet up with Erika and Ellinor and grab a coffee (or in Ellinors case, a glass of wine and a beer.) I hadn't seen Erika in a long time, not since me and Tina broke up, so it was really nice to see her again, and of course Elli too, as always. She puzzles me. There's something about her I just can't seem to figure out. So later on we met Sebastian and this girlfriend he had with him, I should probably not go into details on this one, but he ended up staying back at my place for a couple of hours, and when they left I could feel the exhaustion form being around people all day. It's different altogether, how I'm able to handle being around people. Sometimes I have no trouble being around others for days and even weeks, but I always seem to fall back to periods where I get confused, irritated and exhausted from being around people. Good thing I can retreat here, and write about everything so it doesn't get stuck in my head. I was planning on making this post one of those looooong posts, but I feel I have more important things to do.

Anyway, I'll be launching a new blog today, where I'll be posting mostly poems I write, but also some other stuff that my mind creates. This time it'll be in Swedish, after all it is my first language, and as much as I love English, I feel I'm still able to evolve my writing in Swedish too. So, subscribe if you're interested.

http://decemberskuggor.blogspot.com/

Wrapped in your arms

2009-09-27T04:44:00.009+02:00

4.46 AM, Borås, Sweden

Is this the whole picture
Or is it just the start?
Is this the way you love me?
You're capturing my heart
I used to try and walk alone
But I've begun to grow
And when you tell me just to rest
I'm finally letting go
I let go

Dear diary,

Drunk once again, and should probably be lying in bed by now if it wasn't for the absence of someone to be lyinq there with. Yeah, I'm going to bed alone tonight again, and it feels horrible. Tonight was great, really, went to Elli's place together with Sebastian, Jessica and her friend Hanna. We played Guitar Hero, watched The Ring and played some pool while drinking and having a great time together. I enjoyed being around people I feel I can trust, and it was really interesting to finally meet Hanna after all this time. We've been conversating via different internet communities for almost a year now, and to be honest, she was even more beautiful in real life than any picture I've ever seen of her. I've had my eyes on her for the whole evening, unable to focus on anything else. When I finally got to hold her in my arms, it felt like paradise... which leads me to tonights big question; Why the hell do I get so easily infatuated with people? I mean, a couple of days ago it was Nala who stole my attention merely by smiling in a video I found on her Netlog, and now it's this girl who've caught my attention. Big time. Yeah, I don't even bother to try and hide it anymore, people can say whatever they want. I still have a free will, and I intend to use that will to do whatever I want to do. I just can't get her out of my mind. We left Elli's place at 12 AM, and intended to sleep at Sebastian's place tonight, but because of Jessicas angry father, she and Hanna had to stay at her place, so me and Sebastian went into town alone in search for a party. We didn't find anything of interest, so instead we sat down and talked about pretty much everything for 2 hours or so. It felt great to get to know him better, we really get each other totally, not only because of our common love for music, but also because we're really alike in a lot of ways.

Still, I wanted to spend the night together with her... she's just everything I've been looking for in a girl. But she's probably tied up with everyone else, and it seemed like she has enough stalkers already. I'm going to be realistic about this matter and accept the fact that I'm not something she would ever get interested in. It hurts, but the truth always does, doesn't it? Damn right. I don't know if this is yet another one of my "I'm all alone, keep me company through the night"-periods, 'cause I'm sure as hell not ready for another relationship, not yet at least. And still, she feels so right. Maybe I'll get over it in a couple of days, a couple of days of obsessing over her pictures and messages that is... Ah hell, I can barely see straight right now, so I'm off to bed. Later y'all.

1.23 PM

You know... you should have learned by now that I write a lot of stupid shit when I'm drunk, so next time, at least try to stop me. But I guess it's more honest when I'm writing under the influence of illegal substances or alcohol. Still... some people may take offense from what I'm writing, but hey, if it hurts, don't read it? So just to make things clear - I'm being realistic and will try and forget about her, otherwise I just end up hurting myself. Done.

For love - we'll give it a shot

2009-09-26T00:12:00.004+02:00

12.12 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

I'm drunk, and should probably be passed out by now, but I'll leave a note here at least. Tonight's been great, I've been partying with some great people all night long. A lot of girls showed up at Sebastians place, which was a pleasant surprise- I've lost track of how much I drank, but it was a lot from the look of it right now. The only drawback is that I'm going to bed alone tonight, I was hoping to have a girl with me... but the one I wanted to be here stayed at Sebastians place tonight. Bettet luck tomorrow, I guess. She's so damn attractive... ah hell, I've already said to much now. Let's just leave it at that. Night y'all.

Cowboys don't look back

2009-09-25T03:18:00.003+02:00

3.18 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Eminem feat. Royce Da 5'9 - Scary Movies

Dear diary,

I felt compelled to leave a lil' note here tonight. We've been through some tough shit together, after all... So... it's past midnight again, yet another worthless day ahead of me. I slept until 5 PM today, so I'm really not tired, though I've had an annoying headache for the most part of the evening. Louis slept here tonight, or... yesterdaty night, actually. It was nice to have some company, you know how easily I get lonely. She didn't seem too comfortable with the fact that we didn't share the same intimacy as we did when we were together, but that's the way things need to be for now. I can't support a decision to move into a relationship again, that would just be another disaster on a very long list of disasters. I actually had some plans for today, but as usual, things seem to fuck up in every possible way when I'm planning something. I meant to go down to Jönköping today and party with some friends, were really looking forward to it, but I recently discovered that some money had been deducted from my bank account for some loans I have, so I'm nearly broke, which makes it kinda' hard to travel anywhere. So it looks like I'll be spending the weekend at home, freaking out when watching everyone else go out and enjoy themselves. I've never been able to handle the fact that I'm missing out on everything. It could be the smallest thing, but inside it feels like I'm about to explode. I get so frustrated, angry and hateful knowing that other people are having fun or experiencing something great - and I'm not there with them. I fucking hate it when people are telling me how "awesome that concert was" or "how fun they had at that party" when I wasn't there. Ah, fuck... I need cash. Badly. I've been playing around with the idea of getting into the business again. As long as you don't get addicted and use up your merchandise yourself, it's a real good way to earn some cash. But then again, this city probably has its dealers already, and they usually don't like competition. I don't need someone to whip a pistol in my face again.

You know... it feels like I'm writing less and less here because of the path I've chosen now. The fact that I try real hard to not care about things, and not take everything so serious... it leaves me without many of those feelings I've let you know about in all the other posts. So don't take it personally if I don't write in you as often as I should, it only means that I'm trying to stay sane, and perhaps am succesful in doing so. Fingers crossed. So, I should probably watch a movie or something until daylight comes around... I need to speak to Sebastian about that party tonight, maybe I can make it there. Could get real interesting, with my ex and her friends there, and that girl I've been watching for a while now. The chance for drama is extremely high. Anyway, cheers people, and later.

Adored

2009-09-23T03:08:00.004+02:00

3.08 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

I can't believe I've never seen it before. The perfection of her existence. When she smiles, it feels like a thousand butterflies are unleashed inside of me, my heart beats faster only by knowing she is alive and breathing in this world. I now wander upon another crossroad, where each road leads me to different destinations. If I pick one of them, I might be stuck forever wishing I could make her mine. If I choose the other, I can continue and try to forget her smile, her beautiful face, her perfect body... This is getting to the point of agony, where I can no longer control myself or my feelings for another human being. It has always ended in despair, and maybe this time would turn out exactly the same. But, oh how I want to wake up every day and see that face, those beatiful brown eyes, that perfect smile... I'd give anything.

But, you know I'm a dreamer...

"Wrapped in your arms, I'm home."

What if I'm a sinner

2009-09-22T01:30:00.006+02:00

1.30 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Fireflight - Wrapped In Your Arms

Dear diary,

For some reason I've started to get tired earlier and earlier on the nights. I can't stay up all night long like I used to do, instead I just sleep and sleep and sleep... and I still wake up tired. Maybe I've lost something inside, something that used to fill me with energy and motivation. Maybe it's just the time of the year that brings you down. I don't know. I wasn't planning on making a post here tonight, to tired to find the words for what's been plaguing me lately. But see this as a start, or something like that. A foreword... I'll fill you in with more details later today, 'cause now I'm off to bed. Later.

8.24 PM

So far so good. I'm feeling rather well, thank you. Except for a slight feeling of loneliness, the whole "shut down everything and start over again" is going as planned. I might just be able to handle this nicely. Not much going on at the moment, my life's very dull and uninteresting, against my will, of course. I'm looking for things to do, something to really put some effort into. The way things look now, I've got two bands to write material for, and a scheduled rehearsal in two weeks with the glam/sleaze band from Jönköping, really looking forward to it. Our new drummer seems to be a real nice guy with the same goals and taste in music, so maybe things will turn out better this time. Other than that, me and Sebastian have talked about getting a band together here in town, but nothing's been decided yet. All in all, it feels like music is becoming an even greater part in my life, and it feels fucking great.

I'm finding it hard to talk about more serious matters... it feels like I would ruin everything if I start thinking about everything... but let's just say some interesting things have happened the last few days. I'm not sure if I should go into details, but something I never expected to happen has happened, though I'm uncertain about the purpose of it. Ah, hell, I should probably stay quiet about that for now. I met Louis today, we headed into town and had a cup of coffee and just talked about everything. It feels good to see her in a way, that we can actually spend time together without focusing on what has happened. That gives me confidence that we can have a friendly relationship in the future. Tonight's going to be as unsatisfying as usual, I'll probably just sit here alone and wish someone would come here and keep me company through the night... but no one does. I guess I'm becoming the alien I never wanted to be, ever. Just great.

But... yeah... whatever. In lack of more shit to spill on these pages, I'll just end this. Later.

It's you

2009-09-19T20:14:00.003+02:00

8.14 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

O.A.R - Shattered (damn you, Tina!)

Dear diary,

Yesterday was great. I went to Jönköping to party and go out to some clubs with Alexandra, Leila and her friend (Linnea, was it?) also joined us. I was drunk already at 6 PM, and from then it only got worse, or better, depending on how you see things. Anyway, has a great night, wasted a lot of cash on drinks and also met basstard and Makkey who joined us. Passed out outside Alexandras door, woke up when they came home an hour later and then passed out again. The hangover was inevitable, and I've been pretty much knocked out all day today. Went back to my parents house and will probably spend tomorrow here before going back to Borås early on Monday. This weekend was just what I needed, a chance to enjoy myself and not trouble thinking about everything going on inside my head. Makes everything so much easier. It feels like I can't find the right words tonight, my head is probably still mad at me for trying to kill it with alcohol, so I'm off to bed. Night everyone.

Eternal optimist

2009-09-17T22:04:00.005+02:00

10.04 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Hanoi Rocks

I’m just like anyone
I dream of being someone
Fixed on growing young
Man, ain’t it fun
I put up a real good front
– act real nonchalant
If i can’t change the world
I’ll change myself
In hope i still believe, if nothing else

Hanoi Rocks- Eternal Optimist

Dear diary,

I nearly left tonight's writing to that damn devil, whom you've already met before. But not again. I'm still able to defend myself, even though I'm barely breathing. The events that have occured the last few days are both difficult to handle and impossible to cover with just one post. And to be honest, I don't even want to go further into details. Sure, I could sit here and cry over how fucked up I am, how bad I'm feeling and how much I'll miss her. All of these things are probably true... but I have an option this time. To forget. To put on that fake smile again, dust off all the old masks and wear them as I used to. Never let anyone get through my defenses, never let them get inside and see the real me again. 'Cause that's when the bad stuff starts happening. That's when that fucked up thing inside of me get's to play God. And it ain't pretty. So this is how it's gonna be from now on...

You could say it's my very last serenade. My very last attempt at getting this sorry, fucked up life on course again. One last chance to make things right, to forget about how everything is and try to act normal. To ignore the voices inside. I'm not sure how it's gonna work out, how the hell I'm supposed to escape something I've been running from for almost a decade now. The only way, as I see it, is to pick up speed, to start running faster than the dark clouds behind you, in order to stay in the light. The speed is consuming - I know that - it eats away on your life span every day, and truly makes the saying "Live fast - die young" true in every way. But that's a risk I'm willing to take. I won't give up just yet, there's still some energy left to make a last run.

But what if you fail, boy? Whatcha gonna do then, huh? Lie down and cry again? Tss...

Shut up! Nobody told you to speak. I'll make myself into whatever person I need to be to reach my dreams. I'm too fucking tired of who I am already, so that makes it so much easier to just drop everything and become someone else. Someone who's not so infested with fucked up thoughts and mental illnesses. Someone who can handle standing in the spotlight. Someone better. Someone special.

Oh yeah? You know you ain't got that inside of you. You know too damn well you can't become that star, you're too weak. Too afraid.

Fuck you. I'll make it. I'll show you... just wait. I'll forget everything I am, I'll leave this fucked up broken shell of a man and find a new one. I'll stop caring, stop thinking, stop being miserable. It ain't over yet.

Or so you think. Do you honestly believe in all this? They're gonna bring you down again. Everyone's gonna be mad at you, accuse you of being heartless, that you don't care about anyone. You won't be able to forget her, and every time you look at a picture of her and her boyfriend, you're still going to feel that sting inside your heart, and you'll cry yourself to sleep again. There's still too much of me left in you for you to accomplish anything like that. Besides, everyones going to see through you if you should succeed. You would be nothing more than an empty shell, hollow inside so the wind can blow you away. They'll fill you up with dirt, and far worse things than you've ever felt before. And then you'll wish you were back to the way things are now.

To hell with you and your sweet lies. I'll make it, you'll see. I don't need emotions, they'll only end up hurting you. From now on, I'll stop caring about all those things that bring me down. Focus on the future, on making it. Whatever it takes.

To hell? Oh boy, we're already here, you and I. And the gates have closed behind you. There ain't no gettin' back, you knew that when you strayed upon the road that led you here. No matter how far you go, I'll still be here. Patiently waiting for you to fall down again. The sooner you accept it the better. You can close your eyes in denial and run, but in the end, we'll catch up with you. So run, run until your legs can't carry you any longer, run until your lungs burn, run into the unknown. I'll be watching. Waiting. This ain't over yet...

Twist the knife

2009-09-15T22:22:00.009+02:00

10.22 PM, Borås, Sweden

Ouch, that hurt.

You look so happy together.

"I break in two over you, oh
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't

Here I'm pinned between darkness and light
Bleached and blinded by these nights
Where I'm tossing and tortured 'til dawn
By you, visions of you then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face
When I hear someone's taken my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you"

00.24 AM

I'm taking over tonight, since your usual humble narrator is too fucked up to come up with something. Poor boy made a mistake, boo-fucking-hoo, and now he's feeling the pain that comes with it. Serves him right. At least he gave it a try, and managed to get further than I expected. But now we're back to normal again. He just couldn't keep his fingers away from all those bottles he had tried to hide in the back of his closet. And now they're singing him to sleep with sinister lullabies, whispering words into his ear about everything he'll never be able to have. Like her. I'm almost starting to grow tired of seeing her face inside his head every fucking day and night. But at least it keeps him bleeding. I'd better go and take a look at what's going on inside his mind right now... see y'all when the insanity kicks in.

Crucify your love

2009-09-14T19:39:00.004+02:00

7.39 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Icon And The Black Roses - Crucify Your Love

He is feeling a little bit tired
Of all these disguises he wears to conceal the truth
But now he truly realizes the fully compromise
He took hand in hand with him

Crawl down and take a fall
It’s the fear of what's to come
Maybe he doesn’t know it

There was this little child that used to crawl in the dark
And still had fun
While he listened hours and hours to his midnight radio
And his favourite rock n roll bands

So long he's waited, he feels the wind blows him to his special fate
Hold on does he see?
Watch him does he believe,
Behind these walls there's a whole world to take

Dear diary,

So, I've been quite busy... ah, fuck it. I'll just stop trying to come up with worthless excuses for not writing as often as I should. So here's how it is.

Some things just don't turn out the way you want. People call it "life", and that it is a lesson that all people have to learn, sooner or later. It's a cliché, really, but nevertheless true. I've sure as hell learned my lesson by now. Everything has turned out to be a major fucking disaster. This road I walk upon, this life I choose to live... it has taken me nowhere. For a while I thought I was doing really well, I could feel air beneath my wings, but then I woke up and realized my wings were made of lead, and that I was going down in flames. So I did what I could to save my sorry ass, which means I grabbed the only parachute left and took a leap out into thin air. And now I'm on my way down, waiting for the parachute to unfold. With my luck, it'll probably be full of holes, or maybe I'll get shot down by anti aircraft-fire. What I'm trying to say here is... Fuck. I really don't know.

I told Louis today that I needed some time alone. Some time to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and what I need to do with this life of mine. I know I can't go on like this, running blindfolded in an neverending maze, constantly smashing my bloodied head into concrete walls. I don't want to leave her, I really don't, 'cause my feelings for her are true. She gives me much comfort and makes me feel safe, but I'm the great issue here. If I can't give her anything back, and how could I, when I can't even find myself?, then I'm forced to admit to myself that I can't stay on that course. I'm going to have to do whatever it takes to make me feel good about myself once again, to feel that I am actually living, not only breathing. That includes changing myself into what ever person that is. Yeah... I know what you're all thinking... and you know what? I'm not that bastard you think I am. It's easy to say that I'm only hurting her, and that I don't love her, but what the fuck do y'all know about that? I don't want to leave her... you hear me? i don't want to. But this is not a matter of what I want, it's a matter of what I need to stay alive, to keep me from going too far into insanity's dark dominions.

I don't know what's happening. I feel dizzy from all this thinking, from everything that is going on around me. At least we've found ourselves a new drummer. The music makes everything worthwhile, and once again, I've begun to hope for my dreams to come true. I know we can make it. We can reach that top, as so many before us have done. Perhaps that dream is the only thing that's keeping me alive. I don't know... I just need some change. Or a lot of it, actually. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I'm tired of trying to defend myself against all the lies and trash talk going on, so maybe I'll just become that asshole/bastard/son of a bitch you think I am.

Let's see how you like me then, fuckers...

Venus blue

2009-09-10T23:28:00.003+02:00

11.28 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Adept, Adept and some more Adept.

Dear diary,

Speak about the devil... and he'll come rushing out of hiding, striking you with fear and confusion. Once again, I find myself out of touch with reality, and insanity has yet again become my friend. As always, I can't put my finger on what is wrong, but I know enough to say that a whole lot of things are wrong. Really wrong. First thing's first - about my latest doings... they are quite non-existent. Sleeping. Eating. Sleeping. Eating. Occasionally spending some time with Louis. It's all just a big blur, that somehow might have sent me into this state of mind. I've become tired of myself, my whole existence. I can't find any pleasure in anything I do... can't find any meaning in whatever I try to accomplish. I'm just breathing, not living. And if it's one thing I've told you about in the past, it is that I'd rather be dead than not living life to the fullest... and I'm far from that right now.

Had an argument with Marlene earlier, nothing important really, but as always, it left me in a state of anger and confusion. She wanted me to meet her boyfriend, or whatever he is, and I refused since I can't stand to see my exes together with someone else. It has nothing to do with them, they're probably alright, but I just can't handle being around when they're with any of my exes. It's like something in my head is screaming "Fuck you, she's mine, I was there before you.", and I know inside that it's wrong, but I can do nothing to stop feeling this way. So once again, we ended our conversation with stating that we couldn't be friends if I didn't want to meet him. It's strange how she still has the power to make me feel this way, she and everyone else I've ever shared my life with. I'm far too nostalgic for my own good, but I think you've all figured that out by now. Speaking of which... I've been talking to Tina a bit over the internet lately, and even though it's just plain conversation, it makes me feel a bit anxious. I'm trying my best to be polite and so on, but what if I can't manage to hide everything I really want to tell her? She would surely stop talking to me if she knew, and that would be a shame. I don't know... it feels like I need some change, something drastic needs to be done about this whole situation. Maybe I need to be alone for a while... or maybe not. It could give me some time to try and decipher this ongoing puzzle inside my mind, or it could mean that the demons would bury themselves deeper in my thoughts, bringing me to my knees once again. I mean... wouldn't it all be easier if I had to carry my cross alone, and let other people get on with their lives without me? I feel like a burden to each and everyone, and even a burden to myself. Schizophrenia at it's finest - I feel like I'm living separate lives, but both are bringing each other down. Hopeless.

But let's talk about less severe matters. I'll be visiting Småland once again this weekend, my father needed helt with something and I feel like I can't deny him since he has helped me a lot lately, helped with my debts and so on. I'm not too happy about this, being isolated in the middle of nowhere isn't exactly the optimal thing when I'm feeling this way.

I fear I'm about to do something I'm going to regret.
Time for sleep, sweet nightmares comin' up.
Night.

Make it

2009-09-08T13:00:00.003+02:00

1 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Adept - "Give Me Back My Dreams You Negligent Whore" and "Shark!Shark!Shark!".

Dear diary,

Nothing new to report really, but I thought I should break the habit of silence I've been practicing against you lately. I should be asleep by now, but had some things to take care of in town. I went to the job centre and got a new appointment, since I missed my last one, and also went an got some application forms for my studies starting in January. I'm having mixed feelings about going back to school again, but altogether it feels different this time. I graduated from high school with bad grades only because I ran out of energy the last year, and didn't finish almost any of the subjects the last year. So there's a lot to catch up on, but now it feels like any knowledge, regardless of what it is, is a welcome addition to my education. I'm looking forward to get the opportunity to show my teachers that I'm actually really smart and talented, as long as I'm into it. From the look of it I'll be spending the next one and a half years studying, but I don't mind, going back to working again just doesn't appeal to me anymore.

Except for that, as said before, nothing new to report. I have no plans for the weekend, maybe I'll be visiting my parents once again to help my father with some things at home. Not really looking forward to anything right now, even though autumn usually is a busy period for me, at least it have been that way for as long as I can remember. We'll see what happens. Oh well, should try and get some sleep now, Louis said she'd maybe stop by here later, and I'm not that fun to be around when I'm too tired. Later y'all.

Mechanical animals

2009-09-06T09:24:00.003+02:00

9.24 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

a whole lot of Moonsorrow

Dear diary,

I'm still not feeling too well, but I'm getting better at least. Been worrying all in vain because of all the media reports about that damn disease spreading. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad to have it... after all, I do like staying at hospitals, being taken care of by (hopefully) hot nurses isn't that bad.

So today it's Sunday, the day of rest, but except for last Friday I've been resting pretty much all weekend long. I helped my sister move in her stuff in her new apartment last Friday, it was hard work carrying all that furniture and boxes around, so when I got back home I fell asleep almost instantly. The plan to go home in the evening didn't work out because it took too long to move everything in so there weren't any buses or trains that I could make it to. Instead, I left early on Saturday morning and went to sleep as soon as I got back home in Borås. It feels like I could have kept sleeping through the whole weekend, 'cause I've been doing nothing but sitting on my ass in front of my laptop. Listening to music, playing games, talking to people on MSN or the web... It all feels really pointless. But maybe that's what my existence has turned out to be - pointless. All of my dreams and plans are so real in my head, but I'm doing nothing to make them happen. It is as if my head is too fucking stupid to realize that things don't get moving by themselves, you have to work hard to make your dreams come true. And I'm not lifting even a finger.

This pisses me off, obviously. But does it help that I get mad at myself? No, of course not. Still sitting here. Still doing nothing. Still sleeping my life away. Constantly looking for reasons to blame my apathy on. Is it my mental state? Most definitely. I think that in order to become creative and dedicated again, I need to kill the skeletons in my closet, and tear out the demons inside my head... but that has proved itself to be impossible so far. If anything, it has only led to an even worse condition than before. So maybe I'm avoiding the fact that I'm too fucked up to function, only because that insight leads to too much pain and mental suffering. I'm getting more and more certain of that. But don't worry, diary, I won't stop telling you about all the insanity that goes on inside of my head. I'll give you something right now.

I'm starting to scare myself. There are things I'm afraid to tell the people that are close to me even if they have become fewer and fewer over the last months... simply because the things I want to tell them would push them further away from me. But let's forget that other people are reading this shit for a while.

I can't seem to find my feelings. I don't know when all this doubt started, but it has become clear to me during the last few weeks that I'm not able to enjoy things the way I used too. I cannot find pleasure or amusement in pretty much anything. Everything I do, whether it's playing, singing, meeting other people, or even spending time with myself reading, writing or just thinking, I can't enjoy the way I used too. I'm constantly in a state of restlessness, only being able to do one thing for a limited amount of time before it gets boring or uninteresting. Where I've before found great pleasure and joy, I now only find despair and irritation. This applies to everything I carry out, and even applies to how I feel about other people. I can't give any honest feelings anymore, I can't sense love, joy or trust on most occations I've been able to feel it before. Ask a doctor or a therapist, and he would tell you that this is a typical symptom for depression or other mental illnesses... and we already know I'm suffering from a variety of such. But back to only 2 months ago, I would suffer from this in solitude, not putting any weight or guilt upon any others. But now I have my girl, and it scares the living hell out of me that I'm not feeling as strongly as I should. I mean, I love her... I really do, 'cause she supports me in every way and gives me much strength and comfort. She's my safety, and in her arms I feel like nothing can hurt me. But what if this is only an illusion? What if I've been lying to myself, telling myself that I can love again just like everyone else, and is doing everything on routine? It's frightening to think that way, but it might just be the truth. And I will never forgive myself if I hurt another girl once again, only because of my own vacuousness and fucked up mind. She doesn't deserve to have it like this, having a boyfriend who loves her, but can't tell how it feels, 'cause he's forgotten how to really love someone.

I know you're reading this baby, and maybe you're gonna start worrying about us. I would too, but talk to me, and tell me you understand, and we'll work this out, one way or another. I refuse to give up the battle this easily, but if we lose, at least I gave it a last try before I finally give up hope on myself ever being well again. This breaks my heart... and you know what? I kinda' like the feeling, cause' if I can feel it, it means I still have a piece of it left that still can feel. Maybe it's the last dying piece, or maybe it's a growing piece. Time will tell.

Dusk and summer

2009-09-05T05:13:00.002+02:00

5.13 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Pink Floyd - Time

Dear diary,

I'm sick as a dog... I've gotten a badass cold combined with fever and a horrible headache, which leads me to thinking that I've gotten that swine flu everyone keeps talking about. Or maybe it's just a regular cold. Either way, I'm still not in the mood to write anything of importance today, I just want to sleep through this thing and get back to you when my mind is clear and I'm not sneezing and coughing every other second. So... until then.

Save us

2009-09-03T01:55:00.004+02:00

1.55 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

The Kin - the "Rise and Fall" album.

Dear diary,

I guess it's time for an update, but as usual, I have trouble finding both the courage and the energy to begin dealing with what goes on inside my head. But let's give a shot, shall we? Here's a quick sitrep.

- Attraction is no more. Just a couple of days ago, out of nowhere, our guitarist decided to join another band, of course without telling us. So once again, it's just me and Johan left. For now, at least.

- I've been spending the weekend in Småland, partying with my friends (and non-friends, too!). All in all, I had a great time though.

- Because of the obvious band issues, we didn't rehearse as planned on Sunday.

I believe there are a few other things worth telling you about, but since there are other people reading this (curious motherfuckers!) I think it's best to leave it out of here, to protect the guilty and the innocent. So... about that sudden band break up, if you can call it that. Ever since Makkey left us to play with Danger, things haven't been that positive, and I felt as if I was the only one who wanted to continue playing. We had trouble to get everyone together and rehearse, everyone was busy doing something else and never wanted or could rehearse. And come to think of it, that makes the whole "we don't rehearse often enough"-thing our guitarist said was the reason he left us kinda strange. But anyway, we're not a band anymore, but I'm determined to find a new band as fast as possible. I have been talking to another band from Jönköping, but they've not decided if they're interested yet. They only want a lead singer, but if things turn out right I can bring Johan with me and maybe replace their old bass player. I wouldn't want to leave him anyway, we've been planning to form a band for too long to let go of our dream now. Which leads me to another issue. I will try to choose my words carefully.

I fear I'm losing my best friend. Me and Johan have been friends for almost ten years now, and I feel our friendship has grown stronger for every passing year. We've been through so much crazy stuff together, everything from breaking into places to creating music together, and I can honsetly say he truly is my very best friend. And for the last few months, we have been drifting away from each other. We don't see each other as often as we used to, he is often occupied with his job or with his girlfriend, and I sometimes felt neglected, but when we met we always had a great time together. But now, something has changed. Ever since he started spending time together with "her" (yeah, you know I mean YOU) and her friends, and ever since she got her grudge against me, for reasons unknown, he has started to turn away from me. Until now, I have been able to accompany them, but since the last dispute between "her" and me, things have turned real sour. It has now gotten to the point where I can no longer spend time with him, as long as he's in their company, and she knows that. Whether it's a devilish plan, or pure fucking malice, she is slowly and effectively prohibiting me from spending time with my best friend.

As much as I'd like to tell her to fuck off and leave my friends alone, he has a will of his own, and today I got the message that he'd rather spend time with them, because he didn't want to "choose between friends", and that pretty much tells me everything about his intentions. So now he'll be going to Stockholm on the 7th to watch a Mr.Big concert together with her and Makkey. As she put it, they are her best friends, and she didn't want me to come along because I wasn't her friend any longer. Strange how that works, eh? From being close, to being a total stranger, all because of her jealousy. I'd better stop writing about this now, before I start getting real unfriendly. But give me a sharp object, a dark alley and her in it...

So... yeah, things could be better. At least I'm not burdened by all my debts any longer, my father received his payment for the auction of our farm at home, and has payed all my debts, which is a considerable amount of money. I have the best father ever, and he has always been supportive no matter how bad I've behaved in the past against them. Thanks, dad, for being there for me.

Except for that, there are a million other thoughts floating around inside my head, and I feel I can't let them out all at once. That would probably cause another panic attack, and I'm sure as hell doing fine without that. I'll be going back to Småland this morning to help my sister move into her new apartment, hopefully I'll be able to catch a train back to Borås in the evening. Until then.

"It's late september and all I remeber is you dear
With falllen leaves I get back on my knees to surrender
Why did you run?
Why did you run?
When I'm right here
It's all gonna be the same, when you get there.

Now that we see the signs can we walk this line together?
Now that we know it's time can we walk this line together?"

Miserable at best

2009-08-29T04:53:00.003+02:00

4.53 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Iron Maiden - the "Somewhere In Time" album

Dear diary,

I didn't intend to write anything tonight, but I figured I could take some time to at least leave a short note here. Tomorrow (today?) I'll be going to Jönköping to party with the band and some other friends, looking forward to it. On Sunday we're (hopefully) gonna record our version of Guns N' Roses "Patience", since it didn't work out last weekend. I'm really psyched about this, I think it's gonna sound great and it's also something we can show people until we've found a new drummer and finished our demo.

My head is so full of thoughts I swear I can feel it bursting at the seams at some times. The last week has been so confusing, in many ways, and I have begun to doubt many things I never would have thought I'd doubt before. I'm really not sure how to explain this, but in some way it feels like something has opened up inside of me. If it's a bleeding wound or if it's a stairway to heaven, I don't know. But I sure hope for the latter. Autumn is on its way, and I greet it with open arms. For as long as I can remember, the time of the year when everything withers and dies, is the time I feel most alive. Strange how that works. Oh well, I'm off to bed. Later y'all.

Star/Fool

2009-08-27T09:47:00.003+02:00

9.47 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Dubmood - various tracks

Dear diary,

All of a sudden I feel the need to change who I am... I can't explain it too well, but I'm getting the feeling that everything I do, I do wrong. I behave wrong, I act wrong, I say the wrong things... everything I am, I need to change into... I don't know, something better? More mature, more educated, more articulate, more self-aware and secure. I look at other people, and the way the act, the things they say, and I want to be them so bad. Not them but their persona, and the way they carry themselves throughout life. I carry so many different faces, adapt my personality to whatever changes come into my everyday life. I'm a different person for every situation imaginable, a thousand masks to change between. And it has only taken me so far. Don't get me wrong, I never wanna grow up. I never want to be considered as an adult, at least not in some meanings of the word. But I want to behave more mature, even if that means that I have to drop some of my beloved interests, that by definition are "childish" or "immature". And I still havenät decided if that is a far too great loss.

I feel... translucent. As if people can see right through me, like thin mist. Sure, I have a personality... but what impression do I make on others? How do they see me? I'm not sure, but I'm getting the feeling that most people don't take me seriously. And I can't have it that way. Something has to be done, that's for sure. But I still haven't figured out what it is yet.

Other than that... things are the same as always. I give the "meaningless subsistence" a new face.
And I can't have it like that.

Charcoal heart

2009-08-25T20:18:00.005+02:00

8.18 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Antonio Pinto - "Lord Of War" soundtrack
The Kin- Together
Lapush - Aurora

"On your side, lets talk about everything
Got no time for words that you've already heard
Say my name when you want to, you just leave when you want to
We're still here, we're still alive

Write your name in the stars
I am trying to heal your heart"

Dear diary,

It seems like we've been through this before. I'm not even gonna try to explain why I haven't been writing in you for the past few days. Things are... difficult right now. I lack the energy... and the courage, frankly, to spill my heart on these virtual blank pages. Not that anyone bothers reading it, but if I was writing only because of that, I would have stopped long ago. No, this is not only therapy, it's also something frightening, because of the emotions it stirs up inside of me. I can go on for days at a time without feeling that familiar old pain in my chest, telling me that I'm tainted by the thing most people call "love". The whole expression has become like a mantra inside my head, constantly repeating itself like a bad horror movie stuck in the VCR, constantly bringing fear and confusion into my everyday life. I look upon myself as a cripple, only my limbs and body aren't disfigured, but my mind is... in a very bad way.

Are you getting confused? Cause' I'm sure as hell doing it. This evening is pretty much like every other evening, I sit here in front of this glowing screen, hour after hour, staring blankly at whatever entertainment I find for the moment. But every once in a while, a part of my brain that usually spends its time slumbering, wakes up and decides to put in a comment in the constantly ongoing debate between my body, my heart and my brain. And more than often, it ends in me getting some sort of insight, which itself leads to me burying myself in old memories. We exchanged a few words today, shallow words that probably didn't mean anything to any of us. "How's school". "That's nice. Best of luck". And all I wanted to do was scream - with the most articulate words and expressions I could ever find - I MISS YOU. IMISSYOUIMISSYOUIMISSYOU. I miss everything, well, not everything, cause' everything wasn't good, but everything that was, I miss. I miss waking up every morning when it was still as dark outside as it was in my room, and knowing you were right there next to me, your breathing as soothing as the warmth of sunlight on a cold winter day. Knowing that wherever I was, whatever I was doing, I was carrying a piece of your heart to fill out the empty space I left when I gave my whole heart to you. I didn't need a beat to keep track of where we were going, I always knew we wouldn't last for long. That's how fire works, the brighter it burns, the faster the flame dies. But I'd like to think that there's still some embers left deep down there under all the ashes. I can feel them, at least.

I don't know. I'm being stupid again. Why miss something that you lost because of your very own stupidity, and disability to spot the lights from a freight train when it's coming your way in the speed of light? That seems to be the pattern from which I've made my decisions so far in life, always with a bit of regret, always acting on impulses and what feels right for the moment. It serves me right things turned out the way they did. But I still cannot accept a defeat, I never could. And never will. As long as there is blood pumping through my veins, and as long as my heart beats somewhat regularly, I'll keep hoping, fighting, dreaming, wishing, breathing. And if that isn't good enough for you, then at least I've tried. And that means something, as much as you'd like to hide it, it really does.

Hey, aren't you forgetting something, pretty boy?

What?

You heard me. You can't write shit like this in a diary you -know- she reads. You'll hurt her feelings. But then again... we've always been good at that. I never should have mentioned it...

Don't you worry. She knows. I've told her that I'm a wreck, and in some way, I believe she can see through my lies, even if she doesn't bother to tell me that she knows all about it, she still gets it. I'm both as happy as could be, and as deep down in this lingering darkness as I've ever been before. I am starting to fear the worst... the last few weeks have been stormy, with constant ups and downs, never any stability whatsoever. But there is something that's been building inside, merely an impression, that maybe... maybe, I've forgotten how to love. Or lost the ability to feel love, passion and intimacy as deep as I've felt it before. I've been desperately been searching for answers to why I'm becoming this way, or even if it is true at all. But the fear remains, and is another added weight on my leaded wings, further increasing the speed at which I plunge deeper into the dark spheres of madness and mental sickness. I fear I'm losing the last battle of my soul, that I'm slowly transforming fully into the beast I've been trying to keep locked inside for so many years. I fear I'm losing everything I've ever held sacred, everything I've ever wanted to love and keep safe.

You brought it upon yourself. Always remember that. If it's your guilty conscience that is weighing you down, allow me to put another heavy load on your back. She loves you. Yes, she does, she tells you she loves you. Can you live with not being able to answer her feelings with the same heat and intensity? Can you live with being just an empty shell of a man, trying to make his way through a life that already has been lost, condemned. You know there's always a place for you in Hell, just take a step and it will all be over. You'll feel at home with all the murderers, rapists, arsonists and thieves. Their conscience is as heavy as yours, and you've all lost that piece inside your heart that makes you truly human. Not that it matters now, you're far to stubborn to realize that you're fighting a losing battle. The weapons you wield are rusty, your armor is falling apart and your enemies are far too many for you to handle. But I like seeing you struggle. At least you look alive while you're doing it, burning brightly as you try to master every obstacle put in front of you. But then again, the brightest flame burns quickest, and you're almost out of fuel. Only moments away...

Shut up. You forget that I've been getting used to your poisonous words over the last few years. And I'm starting to think that I'm finally beginning to learn how to ignore them. Not fully, but still enough. And time is running out on me for now, I have other things to do...

Oh yeah? Like what? Mourn another one of your losses? Get just a little bit more insane? Yearn for everything you want, but cannot get?

...once I can make you shut up. I'll make it happen. Just like that. Poof. Gone. I'm moving on. I'm moving on, everythings alright. I'm alright. I'm fine.

I'm not alright.

Set me on fire

2009-08-19T22:44:00.002+02:00

10.44 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Guns N' Roses - Patience

Dear diary,

I'll be visiting Småland over the weekend, so I will probably not be writing in you until next week. It's not that I'm busy, just that my inspiration is even worse there... Today has been nice, spent the day in town together with my baby, her friend Gabriella and Sebastian, who now is her boyfriend. Things change fast, but I think it's for the better. They look real cute together. Anyway, I really enjoyed being around friends again, and it was long ago I felt comfortable doing that. Since the sun was shining and the temperature was nice, there was a lot of people in town, and it made me feel a bit freaked out, but as soon as I got in the company of Louis and the others it disappeared almost entirely. It feels like I need to to things like this more often, just get out and be around people or friends, and maybe I'll get used to it. The sun was a real pain in the ass today, still haven't gotten those test results back, and I fear the worst. There are no records of the disease in my family, but some doctors think it may appear through some mutation of the DNA or something like that. But deep inside, I know it's not some kind of disease or illness. It's a fucking curse.

My head is killing me right now, so I'm off to bed. Maybe I leave a little note tomorrow before I leave. Night.

Who do you hurt now

2009-08-19T00:06:00.003+02:00

12.07 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

I really don't have anything to write about...or... actually I have everything to write about. But lately I've been finding it hard to transform all my thoughts into words. I'm probably just having one of those periods again, when everything creative in my mind is reduced to zero. Nothing is really working out the way it should right now, I'm just... floating through life, living in some form of static that effectively prohibits me from moving forward or evolve myself to the next stage. As irritating as it is, I still can't do a damn thing about it. It's just... I don't know...

I feel so lost.

Don't damn me

2009-08-17T15:35:00.004+02:00

3.35 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Icon And The Black Roses - Who Do You Hurt Now

Dear diary,

I haven't been writing in you for quite a while now, and I could probably come up with a hundred different excuses, but they would have all been lies. Truth is I'm scared to write in you, because everytime I do, I remind myself of the chaos inside my head. For once, things have been quite good lately. My subsitence is as meaningless as usual, with empty days and nights, with an occasional visit from my girl now and then, but except for that I am doing nothing. Zero. Business as usual. But I've still been able to keep the voices down, just acting like everything's alright, and that's the main reason I've been avoiding writing in you. But I'm giving it a shot now.

As I said I haven't been up to much since I last wrote in you, went to Falköping this weekend to watch a friends band, they were having their debut gig at a local pub. Had a great time, despite the horrible hangover the day after. Haven't got much planned this week, it looks like I'll be going back to Småland for the weekend, my parents wanted me at home so they could celebrate my birthday at the 21st, and also a friend is celebrating her birthday on Saturday and maybe I'll go to the club with her and some friends since she'll be 18 (legal drinking age in Sweden). I've been talking to the band and we're probably gonna record some acoustic songs since we're one drummer short nowadays, if everyone's available this weekend that is. First song we've decided to play is Guns N' Roses "Patience", looking forward to the result.

I can't think of anything else to write right now, so as usual, I'll have to get back to y'all.

Freeze and pixelate

2009-08-12T21:27:00.004+02:00

9.27 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

a whole lot of Monster Magnet

Dear diary,

Keepin' things real short for today, this whole "getting-up-early"-thing is making me so fuckin' tired. I guess I'll get used to it. So tomorrow I'll be going home to Småland to visit my parents. I'll be going back here on Friday again, then I'll probably head to Falköping on Saturday, if I can afford it that is. A friend's band is playing at a local pub, and also there's another event going on in the evening, Maratonrock, where a lot of local bands play. There's gonna be some serious alcohol consumption, that's for sure. Anyway, tired as hell and missing my baby, going to bed now, later y'all.

If we cry we will rust

2009-08-11T20:24:00.002+02:00

8.26 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

a lot of Mötley, Guns N' Roses and Monster Magnet

Dear diary,

Today has been quite unusual. Yesterday I decided I'd try to go to bed earlier, so I feel asleep around 8 PM in the evening. I had some laundry to do in the morning and had set the alarm clock to 6.30, but I honestly didn't believe I would wake up. But I did, and I got up, had some coffee, got the laundry done and then stayed awake until it was time to go downtown and join Louis and her friend My for dinner at Louis's place. I'm tired as hell right now, but it feels kinda' nice to be honest. The nights are my time of the day, but it's a dysfunctional life to live. Everyone's usually asleep at night except me, so the nights are lonely, which really isn't good for my mental stability right now. So I'm giving this a shot now, trying to be awake during the day instead of going to bed around 10 AM every day. Let's see how long I can maintain before falling back into old habits again.

It didn't go without some trouble though, I'm not used to being outside when there's so many people around, and I felt insecure and freaked out while walking down to the city on my own, it felt like everyone was looking at me like I'm some freak that doesn't belong in society. I feel that way all the time now, like I have to hide from all the people because of the way I look, or because of the way I act. I just feel so helpless... it wasn't long ago I actually felt good about myself and could handle being around people, but now... it's just a nightmare. But I'm trying to learn to handle it again, and maybe being awake during daytime will help too. On the way back home, me and Louis visited her friend Gabriella at the hospital, she's been ill for some time but felt better and was transferred from the hospital in Varberg to the one here in Borås. I also met Sebastian who had been keeping her company during the afternoon, and we sat outside and talked for a while until I had to go to the store before it closed. And now I'm sitting here, about to go to bed and missing Louis badly. She really makes this all worthwhile, and I miss her every second I'm away from her. Sometimes I pinch myself just to see if I'm awake or if this is only a dream, but so far it seems real... but still, too good to be true. I'm just gonna shut up now...

Night. (8.50 PM, DAMN I'm good.)

Beast you've made of me

2009-08-10T11:40:00.004+02:00

11.40 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Florence And The Machine - Howl

Dear diary,

Why do I keep hurting myself? Why do I have this uncontrollable urge to wallow myself in my own pain and suffering? Why can't I stop myself from doing things that I know will hurt me? I have no answer, other than that I might be slowly killing myself.

It can't go on like this. She is clearly better off without me, and sometimes I like to think that maybe I can become someone desireable, someone who she could love again. She's always been a sucker for those types of people. But I'm on a steady route to nothingness, and my dreams are slipping away, out of my hands, and I can't seem to do anything to stop it from happening. I've become a nobody, and no one wants a nobody, right? Right. I shouldn't be looking at her pictures, shouldn't be looking at his pictures, shouldn't be thinking about her. It's wrong to myself, and wrong to those I love. But can I stop myself from doing it? No, not a fucking chance. I know it's gonna hurt when I see how beatiful she has become, I know it's gonna feel like a fucking knife trhough my heart when I see how he's so much better than me, more beautiful than me, more experienced than me. I'm fighting a war with myself that has been going on for as long as I can remember, a civil war where both sides are losing, but keep fighting anyway until there is nothing left of both sides. I'm losing, fuck... I'm losing this game I've been playing, and I'm losing it to the one I never could bear losing it to. And maybe she reads this and sits there, smiling, thinking "Yeah, I'm so fucking good, I made him lose what sanity was left in him.". I know we could have made it, if I only had opened my eyes in time. But I've always been late all my life, and the best chances have already been taken when I finally arrive. It's getting clearer to me now that my life is a big fucking failure, just a dream. All I do is dream, without realizing that they are the only thing I have left. And they're leaving, then what is left? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing....

"If you could only see the beast you've made of me
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart
Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart

My fingers claw your skin, try to tempt my way in
You are the moon that makes the night for which I have to howl
My fingers claw your skin, try to tempt my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to

Howl, howl
Howl, howl

Now there's no rolling back, I'm aching to attack
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hollow ground

Like some child possessed, the beast howls in my breast
I want to find you and tear out all of your tenderness

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them into hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters

The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress
Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hollow ground"

Yeah, if you only could see the beast you've made of me. If you only could see me...

(These are the things I'm afraid to tell you. I'm so afraid that you'll run away from me, thinking that I don't love you. But I do, I really do. You're the only thing that's keeping me alive baby, and I don't want to lose you. But this is what's going on inside my head, and I can't stop it. I'm sorry for not being as good as you deserve.)

Your arms feel like home

2009-08-08T06:33:00.005+02:00

6.33 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

The Spill Canvas

Dear diary,

It feels like I'm sleeping my way through life. Everything has become an undistinguishable void, days and hours blur together and I'm losing track of time and space. I'm getting painfully aware that I'm becoming more and more apathetic, and the worst thing is I can't do a damn thing about it. I've lost my motivation to pretty much everything. Just getting out of bed in the morning (or whenever I wake up) is a difficult task that takes a whole lot of will power. I sit around in front of my laptop all day and night, occasionaly leaving my apartment when I need to buy some food or go downtown to do something together with Louis. Except for that, everything is just... empty. Nothing to look forward to, nothing planned, nothing at all that makes me use my creativity, and it is so demoralizing that I'm beginning to fear that one day I will not make it out of my bed, lacking the energy and motivation to do anything else than sleep the days away. And then, life is over for me. When I've lost the spirit, my will to live and become something, that is the day I die, whether it'll be by my own hand or with the aid of someone else.

I need something that wakes me up from this terrible nightmare. Anything, anyone. Just help me.

Bigger pictures, better things

2009-08-06T15:29:00.005+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mY1aThDzt4

3.30 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

I'll just let Corey do the talking today. "Diluted" is a perfect explanation of how I'm feeling.

"I'm cold, I'm ugly
I'm always confused by everything
I can stare into a thousand eyes
But every smile hides a bold-faced lie

It itches, it seethes, it festers and breathes
My heroes are dead, they died in my head
Thin out the herd, squeeze out the pain
Something inside me has opened up again

Thoughts of me exemplified
All the little flaws I have denied
Forget today, forget whatever happened
Everyday I see a little more of overall deficiencies
I'm nothing short of being one complete catastrophy

I save all the bullets from ignorant minds
Your insults get stuck in my teeth as they grind
Way past good taste, on our way to bad omens
I decrease, while my symptoms increase

God what the fuck is wrong
You act like you knew it all along
Your timing sucks, your silence is a blessing

All I ever wanted out of you was
something you could never be
Now take a real good look at
What you've fucking done to me

I keep my scars from prying eyes
Incapable of ever knowing why
Somebody breathe, I've got to have an answer
Why am I so fascinated by
bigger pictures, better things
But I don't care what you think
You'll never understand me"

Crash into me

2009-08-05T17:35:00.005+02:00

5.35 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDC9fEwU3ds

Dear diary,

I guess I'm having one of those days when everything seems to go wrong. Well, not everything, but pretty much. Woke up at 1 PM, and the day started great since I woke up beside Louis who had spent the night here. But even though her presence usually makes me calm, I couldn't help feeling like something wasn't right. That feeling became more and more present as time went by, and I started shaking, feeling paranoid and just... insecure. I had to go to the juvenile reception today, no explanation needed, so we went downtown, and being around people isn't really the smartest thing to do when I'm feeling like this. I'm getting more and more trouble being outside of my apartment, among other people or in crowds. I feel so uncomfortable, like everyone's staring at me because of the way I look, or the way I behave. I think they can see my low self esteem, like I'm wearing it as a second skin, and they take advantage of it. At least it feels that way. Days like these, I just want to crawl underneath my sheets and stay there until everything feels normal again... which it, of course, never really does. I'm glad Louis was with me today, otherwise I would've panicked and fled into some place where people couldn't find me, a library or something that doesn't have so many people in it. Also, we celebrated one month together today, which feels great. I've never fallen in love with someone this fast before, it's both frightening and wonderful at the same time.

It's such a major fucking disability, this insecurity that's been plaguing me for all those years. People say that it usually goes away when you get older, but for me it has only gotten worse. How the hell am I supposed to manage the position of a lead singer when I feel like this? Standing in the spotlight, all eyes on me? Right now, even the thought of it scares the hell out of me. But I guess I'll have to handle it just like everything else. Wear my confidence as a false mask... put on that fake smile, stiffen up that upper lip and get on with the show. Just like my everyday life, just a big fucking fake, a lie. Few people have seen what lingers beyond that facade, and those people have all disappeared from my life, in one or another way. I can only pray that I don't mess this up again, that she doesn't leave me because of this heavy weight I'm carrying around. I'd like to get help, I want to get helped, but that means I have to find help myself, and my pride stops me from doing that. I'm ok. I'm ok...

I'm off to bed now, gonna try and sleep through this and see if things get better when I wake up again. Later.

What once was lost

2009-08-03T08:55:00.004+02:00

8.55 AM, Borås, Sweden

"I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."

— Jonathan Safran Foer

When someone else's words explain you better than you've ever been able to do yourself.

(Update: holy shit, he's a jew! Didn't know that. I suppose there are some bright minds among them after all...)

Play dirty

2009-08-02T15:19:00.002+02:00

3.19 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Louis just left after spending the night here, and in some way it feels like my sanity is leaving with her... When I'm left to my own devices, I go insane. Everything I've been trying to hold back while in the company of others come rushing back in the speed of light, and strikes me with instant paranoia, anguish and pain. I'm like a mental patient, in constant need of monitoring so that he doesn't hurt himself or anyone else. I really can't express in only words how much her company means to me. Thanks, baby.

So today I was supposed to be in Jönköping to rehearse with the band... but I guess we're not a band anymore. Our drummer joined a bigger, more successful band, so I guess that's the end of the story. I won't go into details, but regardless what "some" people say, I think it's over. Lack of motivation, perhaps? Or just a fucked up attitude towards those you call your friends? Anyway, I'm done with this shit now. I put all my focus and energy on this, gave everything, and it just fucking backfired, so no more. I'm through with music, and by the looks of it, music's through with me. I'm just gonna fade away quietly, like everyone else.

No plans for today, maybe meet Louis again tonight if she's up for it. I still have some alcohol left, so I guess I'm gonna get smashed tonight again. With the risk of repeating myself;

FUCK!

Later.

Walk with me in hell

2009-08-01T08:51:00.003+02:00

8.51 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

a lot of Nine Inch Nails
psytrance, GMS especially
AC/DC - everything with Bon still alive

Dear diary,

Haven't been writing for a day now, not to unusual. An to be honest, now isn't a good time either since I'm so tired I'm starting to hallucinate, and the things I hear and see are frightening. There's absolutely nothing worth telling about what's been going on since last I wrote in you, cause' that's what's been going on. Nothing. A whole lot of it. I miss my girl, she comes back from her stay at some camp today, and maybe I'll get to see her tonight. I miss falling asleep next to her, it keeps the nightmares away.

Oh... uh... yeah... how have I been feeling, you might wonder? Good, real good, thank you.

That was a lie. I didn't even try to make it sound like the truth. I've been having constant anxiety attacks, nightmares and the paranoia is back with full force. Even going down to the store to buy cigarettes is tough, cause' that means I have to expose myself to other people. Bipolar syndrom, schizophrenia, manic-depressive... and now social phobia? This just keeps getting more and more desperate... I'm actually surprised I've made it this far. Life's full of surprises, as they say.

I can't see straight, so I'll just get back to you when I'm done dreaming all those nightmares...
Night.

Heart on the line

2009-07-30T05:54:00.004+02:00

5.54 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack

like you bother reading this anyway...

Dear diary,

I feel like I'm stuck in a coma. Unable to move, unable to think, unable to speak... just drifting around in a desolate inner landscape, far away from consciousness. They say that patients in a coma doesn't dream, but maybe they do? Maybe this is my dream, my nightmare. They also say that coma has several stages... and this could be any of them. I still feel, though, that would speak against it... but what I feel is frightening. Love. Hate. Anger. Despise. During the hours I'm awake my mind focuses on the negative feelings inside me, constantly plunging deeper into this black hola that's been building inside me, and even though there are bright spots of positive thinking, it quickly goes back to the same painful aspect of thoughts again. It's frightening for many reasons, one of them is that I can't control it. I can't make my mind think of anything else... and I feel helpless. Alone.

She's there for me, I know it, and not only her, there are many others who could give their support if I only asked for it. But I don't. I'm still too damn proud to show my weakness to others. I still want them to think of me as "the strong, silent type". And I even believe I would refuse any help if they wanted to give it to me, stubborn as I still am. I guess that's some kind of sign that there's still some spirit left in me, even if it leaves me alone in the end. I can only accept her help right now, and even that I have trouble embracing. It feels like I'm dragging her with me down into this downward spiral, and I can't live with myself if I make her life to the same hell I'm experiencing. As I've said many times before - it just isn't fair. If she only knew what she was going into when she said "Yes." that night a few weeks ago.

I got a call from Johan earlier tonight... he's in Halmstad with his family right now, and as always he was real drunk. We chatted for a while about stuff in general, but then suddenly he became very serious and said that he had spoken to our drummer about the whole thing with the two of them joining Danger instead. He told me that none of them wanted to be in that band, and that he really believed in us as a band, that we was his main priority no matter what. I'm not sure if it was just the alcohol speaking, but there was a sincerity in his voice that made me feel a bit better about everything concerning the band. I've been so busy making up emergency plans in the form of other bands and different projects, all with the intention of getting rich and famous, that I've completely forgotten about writing some lyrics for Attraction. I should get on that as soon as possible... if my head can stop spinning.

It's time for me to stop writing now... have to go and gather some dirty laundry that's lying around, I have booked the washhouse from 7 AM, and after I've finished with the laundry I'll probably go to bed and sleep until tonight... There's this event down in town today called "Thursday night" where random bands come and play on the town square and people get drunk and fight until the cops come and take them to the drunk cell. Not really my kind of fun, besides I'm feeling too insecure around people when I look this way, with the hair and all that. It'll probably just lead to another anxiety attack, and I've had enough of those the last few weeks...

Later y'all.

Pathos

2009-07-29T03:41:00.004+02:00

3.41 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Sweet, whispering voices inside my head

Dear diary,

Yeah... about that attempt... I think I can't make it today either, but I'll give it a shot. We had some catching up to do, didn't we? Right.

So I went to Jönköping last Thursday, arrived there early in the morning and got picked up by Emelie and my drunk basstard. As I spent more time in their company, I realized something was different. Emelie, who used to be very caring and understanding towards me, didn't speak to me very much, and with a cold attitude. I could understand why, she was hurt cause' she had feelings for me and didn't want to bother me, but when she clearly wanted me to get jealous because of the way she treated Johan and Markus as her new "best friends", it just got too much. And the fact that my drummer was playing a gig with the same band Johan was gonna audition for, Danger, didn't make things better, so I went back home to my parents with the intention of not going to the festival with them on Saturday. But in the end I decided to go, the trip was nice, but it felt awkward at times when I couldn't hide my anger and irritation about Emelie's sweet talk to Johan and my drummer. It was as if she wanted me to freak out, and feel sorry that I didn't take her instead of Louis...

I don't really remember too much from the festival itself... it was rainy, not too many people, and "my" drummer did a kickass performance with Danger. Just another reason for them to steal him from us. Spent most of the time on the way home sleeping, got home, and then went back here on Monday. So... now, here I am once again, alone in the middle of the night, panicking, freaked out, feeling lost, losing consciousness from all the pills... does this sound familiar? Yeah, it sure as hell does. I'm back to where I started, and the pain from realizing that fact is hard to take. It creates so much anger and hatred within me, I feel like I'm gonna explode at any second and take the whole world with me. The pain mixes with the anger and hatred, and creates this fucking monster that I thought I'd killed, or at least caged. But it's back with full force, and intends to make my life to the very living hell I've been trying to escape for so long. It's a creature, made out of the sick thoughts, a constant will to become something more, jealousy of those who do better than me, anger, hate and everything bad in the human nature. It claws its way out of my heart, takes control of my mind and body, and starts with hurting the people I care about most.

Louis, I'm so sorry that I can't be the one you deserve. You don't deserve this fucked up person I am, you need someone who's not... tainted... who doesn't carry around this heavy fucking weight around their heart. I know I'm telling you that I don't want you to know what's going on inside my head, cause' it would be unfair to make you concerned with those things. But a lot of my latest panic attacks have been because of her. Tina. And since she's your friend, I'd never want you to choose between the two of us. But in the end, if you'd choose her, I'd understand you. I'm not that much of a bargain anyway.

It's not just that it makes my mind destructive, it also prohibits it from thinking creative thoughts, which leaves me totally crippled. I've lost my motivation, the only thing that can push me forwards, and without it I am condemned to fade away, just another anonymous face in the crowd. And you all know I'd rather die than to become a nobody. My current weakness leaved me totally unprotected against such things as this business that's going on with the band right now. Instead of thinking "Maybe he'll stay with us in the end, we're friends after all." my brain is thinking "That cocksucker, how the fuck can he leave me now after all we've been through!", and that makes me act less respectful against them, which in the end just might make them make the decision to leave. It's all just like a big, downward spiral, swallowing all my positive emotions, all my creativity and everything that makes me a good person, and turns me into that monstrosity, that no one could love. I've started think more often that maybe there is some deity who has decided that I won't be making it in this life, that I'm forever bound to be just another face in the crowd. I can't accept that fate. I just can't. And with nothing to do about it, I'd rather just end the misery than live a lifetime in denial of my own failure. It's better that way.

"Like and echo repeating the words "I feel nothing for you anymore"
Well, my dearest, hold my hand
I will bring you with me to the ground
If I fall, the fall becomes ours
Its too late to speak from your heart anyway
Its better if you die

But not to forget all of the words you told me
When all was spoken all I heard was
"But hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do"
When all was spoken all I heard was
"But hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do"

I've bled myself dry tonight for wanting more
The cold wind sweeps beneath me
Like a star shivering in darkness
and I will fall as well"

Adept - When The Sun Gave Up The Sky

What I'd give

2009-07-28T04:04:00.005+02:00

4.04 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

It seems like the longer I skip writing in you, the more I dread doing it the next time. Like tonight... I can't seem to find the patience or dedication to actually try to explain how I feel. Cause' it's just too surreal and fucked up to even try and explain at this point... I'll make another try tomorrow. Right now it's about damn time I get some sleep, I'm starting to feel dizzy from all the different painkillers and sleeping pills I've been taking tonight. Saw a picture of Tina in her blog today, she was posing and showing off her thin body... it's like she wants to rub it in my face... "Look, motherfucker, look at what you're missing out on". She knows I'm a sucker for thin girls, and it's no big secret that I'm still in love with the memory of us together. Fuck.

It ain't fair. Not to anyone.
And not to my girl. I'm such a failure.

The balance theory

2009-07-23T04:12:00.003+02:00

4.12 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

various The Spill Canvas songs

Dear diary,

Keeping things real short for today, I ain't got much to tell you anyway. Things are as usual. Looks like I'll be going to Jönköping tomorrow (today, that is) to meet some friends and rehearse with the band. Then on Friday or Saturday we'll be on our way to Stockholm for the Rest In Sleaze festival. I plan on being drunk the nearest 72 hours, so I guess I won't be writing in you much... with that said, into the fog...

Night everyone

Baby, please don't go

2009-07-21T21:24:00.002+02:00

9.24 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

various Faster Pussycat songs

Dear diary,

This headache's killing me... Today feels like a big... nothing. Just... nothing. I noticed that this is my 100th post here, so it's some kind of milestone perhaps. I can already tell that there'll be much more than 100 when I'm done here.

I get the feeling that things are slipping away from me, and it makes me feel so fucking helpless. First of all, I got the news about a week ago that my bassplayer maybe is gonna audition for another sleaze band in Småland, Danger, who are looking for a new bassplayer. At first I thought "Shit, that's cool!" but after a while I realized that if he begins playing with them, our band will be set aside. And that's just not fair. I can't stop him, or anyone, from trying out ither bands, even if I would like to. But when things seemed to finally get started, we found a drummer and got our rehearsal space and so on... but now, everyone seems to wander off and do different things. Our drummer is doing a gig with the same band, Danger, at the Rest In Sleaze festival this weekend, and then what...? Maybe they'll decide that they want him too, and then it's fucking over with my little dream. And I know I won't be able to handle that. I've put so much trust into this, it's my dreams about to come true, and if that fails, I'm gonna stop dreaming. Stop living. And I don't need another reason to give up.

I guess I'm just being a child when I'm feeling like they're MY band, not someone elses. You can't mess with free will, I've learned that before. But when people who tell you they're your friends abandon you, don't you think I have a reason to be pissed? Yeah, maybe...

All I know is that I'm scared of the future. I can't seem to get a grip of anything. And once again, my head is just killing me...
Let's end this 100th post with a classic expression that describes pretty much everything right now;

FUCK!

Later

Let's just stop

2009-07-21T03:28:00.004+02:00

3.28 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

voices inside my head

Dear diary,

Nothing to write. Too fucking numb and confused. Here's a lyric instead, describing exactly how I feel.

Let's just stop,
drop everything,
forget each other's names,
And just walk away.

Turn around and head in different directions,
Like we never, it's like we never knew each other at all.
We said what we feel, then we stop ourselves,
And just walk away.
Never looking back,
Loving every second of it,
we just walk away.

This is probably the best,
not to mention the worst idea,
that I have ever had.

Ignoring what we've felt,
Overlooking what we've done,
No awkward silences, no hiding any truths
Ignoring what we've felt,
Overlooking what we've done,
What do you say?

- Chiodos - Baby, You Wouldn't Last A Minute On The Creek

A premonition

2009-07-19T08:11:00.004+02:00

8.11 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

various NIN, The Spill Canvas and Placebo songs

Dear diary,

Early morning... or not so early, actually. Still awake, not really tired but I'm gonna try get some sleep anyway. Today's been pretty good, spent some time with Jessica, she helped me bleach my hair once more, and later on the night I followed her home. As always, it felt nice to be walking through the city at night. Feels rejuvenating, and at the same time I get this feeling that there are so many things I want to do, but I lack motivation and time to do them all at the same time. That same feeling applies to pretty much everything I carry out. I create new dreams every day, sometimes every hour, new things I want to learn more about, new quests to embark upon... it feels like I need a thousand replicas of myself to be able to carry out all these things. I envy the people who seem to have everything in control. People who can focus on one thing, get it done, and then move on to the next task. I can't do that... I never could. Maybe it's because of the confusion inside my head... if I could just find some peace for myself, maybe I could realize all these dreams I have.

So today I've also been thinking of getting a new band together here in Borås. Not a new band with the intention of competing with the band back in Jönköping, they're still my number one priority, but more of a side project. I've always liked bands like The Goo Goo Dolls, The Spill Canvas, The All American Rejects (a lot of "The's"!) so that's the style and sound I'm looking to create... more of a soft rock-oriented sound with a lot of acoustics and semi-ballads. Heartbreaking lyrics, the occasional punk rock-vibe... real classic. You don't see bands like that come along very often in Sweden, and since Borås own "music scene" is quite dysfunctional, they could need some new blood. Jessica's boyfriend seems to be a great musician with similar taste in music, so I think I'll start with asking him. Also I've been having this talk with my friend Dennis for years about starting a band together. We've been close to forming something many times, but there's always been something missing out. He's playing in several bands today, so maybe the timing is bad, but he's a genius when it comes to writing and arranging music. I find myself fantasizing about how we would sound if it all came together alright... something like "As I Lay Dying-meets-Atreyu-meets-Pantera-meets-The Agony Scene", and in my ears, that would sound fucking great. It would feel awesome to be able to express the different sides of myself in different projects, a soft rock band for the hopeless romantic in me, the glam/sleaze band for the rock n' roll outlaw with a taste for sex, drugs and rock n' roll, and the metalcore band for the raging bull-mentality I get sometimes. I would be a happier person if I could just get to play all the things I love to listening to.

Ah... but you probably don't give a fuck... and why should you? I don't blame anyone for skipping a lot of text, it's probably more boring than watching grass grow... But I'll just write a few more last words.

- I miss my girl. Badly.
- Something ain't right. I can feel it.
- I feel lost.
- These dreams I've been having are more disturbing than ever.
- I'm thinking of starting with therapy again.
- And last, but not least - I need some god damn clarity.

"I want you to lead me
Take me somewhere
Don't want to live
In a dream one more day"

In Flames - Come Clarity

This is for keeps

2009-07-18T07:04:00.005+02:00

7.05 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

various The Spill Canvas songs

Dear diary... or dear you, really,

I'm so glad I found you... or was it the other way around? Regardless, there you were... and still are. And I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. I had forgotten how good it feels to have your heart burn not only for yourself, but for another person as well... There are times when I feel alone and abandoned, even when I know you're just a phonecall away. There are moments when I don't feel alright, when the walls are caving in and I lose faith in my own ability to feel love like I used to. But you know what frightens me the most, what really scares the shit out of me?

I love you.

You could call that a lie, an exaggeration or a fake. You could say something like "You don't say that when you've only been together for like a week or two!" or shake your head while muttering something about "today's youth", but I don't give a fuck - it's as true as it gets. You've stirred up some feelings I've been missing for a long time, and when they come back, they do it with full force. James Hetfield of Metallica once wrote in their song "Mama Said", "The brightest flame burns quickest.". While it is pure physics, it also is true for me... a sort of fate that I'm forever bound to carry with me. But I wouldn't have it any other way... to live is to burn, and I'm enjoying every damn degree of it. When I'm in your arms, my armor is no longer falling apart, cracked and rusty. It becomes shiny and whole again, and even the sharpest of swords can't penetrate that tough shell. You're just too good to be true, and that frightens me. My mind is telling me "Dude, somethin' ain't right about this... it's too good... remember heroin? This is just like it. You're gonna get burned again."

And who knows, maybe that negative prick is right... but I don't care. What matters is that we're here now, in this together, and as much as I want to run back to the relative safety and comfort of my own solitude, I'm giving this a shot. A big shot. Cause' if this turns out to be the same as before, I have failed in making myself a better person. Kinda' like a test, but a far more dramatic one than the ones I remember from school. This is my way of telling you - cause' I suck at trying to utter my feelings with words - that I'm happy to be yours, and I'll stay by your side as long as you want me to.
I might not always be sober, caring, understanding or look that great either.
I might be carrying around a lot of ghosts and bad memories in my mind, trying to understand what I've left behind, and why.
I might continue overdosing on most things, even love itself in the end.
I might make you confused about how I feel about you, about us, about everything.
I might dream away most of the time I'm awake, letting them take over me fully at times.
I might not always be able to tell you all the things I want to tell you, and I might fail greatly in trying to make you understand me, but I promise you one thing - I will always be true.

So, once again, Louis - I love you.

"How does it feel to know you're everything I need
The butterflies in my stomach
They could bring me to my knees
How does it feel to know you're everything I want
I've got a hard time saying this
So I'll sing it in a song

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt
When we become one "

"So Much" - The Spill Canvas

Use it or lose it

2009-07-17T17:12:00.003+02:00

5.13 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

As I Lay Dying - the "An Ocean Between Us" album

Dear diary,

Well that's weird... for a moment there I thought I did great. But there's always a catch, right? Spent the whole day yesterday in bed, too fucked up to even try to get up and walk around a bit. Later on the evening Louis came here, she was worried about me not feeling too well. Turned out she was drunk, and I hate to be sober in the company of other drunk people, so I started drinking... which was probably a bad idea. We watched some movies, and all of a sudden I couldn't keep things together, and ended up crying in her arms. I felt like a total idiot, I shouldn't be like that in her company, it isn't fair that she has to suffer from problems I'm having with my mind. But I'm still glad she spent the night with me, it made me feel safe. I took some sleeping pills and then passed out by her side. Today she helped me bleach my hair, which is now bright red... except for that, there is nothing new. I don't know what to do tonight... I feel weird, as if there is something bad about to happen. I don't like it, at all...

Panic

2009-07-16T06:30:00.003+02:00

6.30 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Sun Kil Moon - Carry Me Ohio

Dear diary,

I guess I knew it all along... I couldn't maintain even the slighest feeling of happiness for long. I'm falling again, this time the feeling of loneliness is suffocating me slowly. I know I'm not alone, I know she's there for me, and for that, I love her. But when I'm left with myself, the only thing I hear is my mind whispering poisonous words to me. I tried to get some sleep earlier tonight, and probably had an anxiety attack while sleeping. I woke up in panic, and found some Triazolams I had left in my bag... and of course I had too many...

I'm feeling dizzy and short of breath... my heart isn't beating as it should, but it doesn't even when I'm not on medication, so that's no news I guess... I dreamt about so many horrible things, things that have happened, things that could happen and things too dreadful to even write about here... you wouldn't want to hear about it anyway. I'm gonna take the rest of the Triazolams now and see if I can pass out. Sometimes I wish I didn't wake up again.

I feel so lost... I don't know where I'm going, and I barely know where I've been. I can't handle this... fuck...

Night...

Before the dawn

2009-07-15T18:15:00.005+02:00

6.15 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Mazzy Star - Into Dust

Dear diary,

Yesterday was spent together with Louis... as always it felt a bit awkward at times when I couldn't come up with something to say or do, but as the evening progressed I became more and more relaxed. We went out for a walk in the city around 1 AM... originally, we weren't supposed to walk that far, but we ended up on top of a hill overlooking parts of central Borås. It was a tough hike up there, but it's worth it every time. I just love the atmosphere and all the lights, as I have told you about in an earlier post. All in all it was a great night, I felt really connected to her, and it's so wonderful to have someone to talk to about all your thoughts and feelings. Someone to rely on.

On our way down from the hill, I discovered some concrete structures hidden under some tall grass beside the small, narrow path we were walking on. Since I'm quite familiar with the various objects of interest for an urban explorer in Borås, and never had heard of anything on this particular hill, it of course awoke my enthusiasm. I've been searching around in various forums, but so far no record of any military activity on that hill, so it's a mystery to be solved. This town is said to be "the most boring town in Sweden", and for most of the people here, that statement is true. For me, it's a whole different story... there is so much to discover here, so many places to explore. A city to me is a mystery, a mystery that is so fascinating and secretive. People usually don't understand the complexity of a city's structure, there are so many things hidden beneath closed doors, underground, in parking garages, on rooftops and so on. I intend to explore this city until there is nothing left to find, and even if it takes a lifetime, I believe I'll never lose my enthusiasm for this. Enough about that.

I'm doing some laundry right now... which is boring as hell. I have no plans for tonight, Marlene was supposed to come here and help me bleach my hair once again, but she wasn't up for it so maybe I'll try to find someone else to do it. I can't show myself in front of other people with this horrible hair color...

Later y'all...

9.10 PM

People fucking disgust me. I can't help feeling this way... everywhere I look, there's these poor fucking examples of a human being. I can't stand it. I would be making everyone a favor by cleaning up this infected, fucked up population, bent on attention, money and fame. It would be so easy...

Days will pass

2009-07-14T04:23:00.004+02:00

4.23 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

"The Voice" web radio

Dear diary,

Yet another gazeless day... I was supposed to visit the job centre today, but as usual I overslept and didn't make it there in time. I went downtown and met Louis, we had a cup of coffee and sat down outside for a while, then I met up with Marlene and we went back to my place where she helped me bleach my hair again. My hair is now in a weird red color with black spots here and there. Quite interesting, but still ugly as hell.

Nothing much to tell you today either... I have thought a lot about everything, my current situation and so on, and to be honest I'm really confused. Things seem to be harder than they should be, and I don't know why. I just want everything to work out for once... is that too much to ask for?

Ah, hell... my head feels like it's full of razor sharp shards of glass, so I'm gonna take a few painkillers and pass out. Later.

Release the wolves

2009-07-13T04:28:00.005+02:00

4.28 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

A lot of Mötley Crüe
Swift - the "The Absolute Uncontrollable"-album

Dear diary,

I nearly skipped writing in you today. No motivation whatsoever. Today's been really worthless, I've done nothing except getting a collage with material from The Heroin Diaries done. And that's pretty much it. I've been feeling weird today, as if I'm constantly pending from a state of depression to complete ecstasy. It feels like my mind can't decide whether it wants to be miserable or content, and because of this I can't get further into explaining any of this, or any other feelings for that matter. I guess I'll have to tell you the same thing I always tell you - I'll get back to you when my brain is functional again.

I miss my girl so fuckin' bad. I wish she was here right now so I could get some sleep without all these nightmares. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this. It's like a curse, a curse I never asked for in the first place. Sure, it has it's benefits, but some things I just can't get used to. But I probably should shut up now, I don't want them to freak out again. (Yeah, I know you're watching. I care less for each passing day.)

Night everyone

The crimson

2009-07-12T04:34:00.002+02:00

4.35 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Kent - the whole "Hagnesta Hill"-album.

Dear diary,

I'm keeping things short today, I'm in no condition to dig deeper into things right now... I spent some time with Louis today, it feels better and better as the nervousness is getting less prominent. I think that her arms might be the closest place to heaven I've ever been... or at least it feels that way. She makes everything worthwhile, and I'm longing to tell someone those three words again...

Project Daedalus is progressing slowly, I have planned for a few actions this week, starting with downtown Borås, and some other people have shown their interest in participating in the movement. As for everything else, I'll get back to you some other day. My body feels... numb...

Night.

Take a number

2009-07-11T02:33:00.002+02:00

2.33 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Aerosmith - the whole "Honkin' On Bobo"-album

Dear diary,

Just came home from dropping off Marlene at the bus stop. She spent the evening here, helping me to bleach my hair, finally. The black color didn't disappear quite as much as I'd expected, but the hair at the roots is in a red color tone. Not very good looking, to be honest, but hey, beauty comes with a price. She'll maybe stop by tomorrow and apply some more bleach, so I'm gonna keep my ass inside for the next few days until I'm able to bleach off the awful red color.

Today's been pretty confusing, I woke up back in Småland, went to Borås with my father, he helped me put up some lamps and lighting along with some other stuff in the apartment. On our way to Borås, I started getting messages from Louis friend Gabriella who told me she didn't know about our relationship until now, and that Louis said she didn't want to tell her about it until she was sure of her intentions with it all. So the afternoon was spent trying to get things straight between us, luckily everything turned out fine. I had planned to meet Louis today, but for some reason I didn't, and now I'm feeling regretful. I miss her so much, I can't even understand how you can become so dependant on another persons intimacy just after a few days relationship... But hopefully I get to meet her tomorrow.

It's really strange you know... it seems like the whole world is opposed to me having a relationship. Every day I get hints and complaints from girls I know, or have been with before, who say they don't like that I'm not single anymore, and they blame Louis for "stealing" me from them. Hey, ladies, just because I was a slut before it doesn't mean I don't want to have a functional relationship with someone? This girl is so damn special it would be my biggest mistake so far in life to let her go, and I won't, not until she tells me she's had it with me. And yeah, of course all the other girls have tempting offers, and I can't say I'm not influenced by them, but this time around - I won't fuck up. Sorry, but I'm not interested in any of you any longer. I've wrecked too many relationships because of my selfish, jealous, fucked up mind, and I'm putting my whole soul into this. Bend or break.

My head feels like it's wrapped in thick layers of cotton... which of course could have something to do with the handful of pills I just stuffed into my mouth, but at least I can sleep without panicking from the fear and loneliness. I could sure use her company tonight to keep the nightmares away...

I'm just rambling. I'll let you go do something more important, instead of reading this bullshit. Off with ya.

Night.

Heaven in her arms

2009-07-08T21:59:00.002+02:00

10 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

a whole lot of Hardcore Superstar

Dear diary,

Yet again I skip a few days writing in you, but at least I have a good reason - my mobile broadband connection decided to give in, but it's now functional again so... The last days have been chaotic, but this time in a good way. As I mentioned, Louis spent the night here last Sunday, and even though I was nervous as hell, the night turned out to be a major turning point for me... I came to the moment when I just had to ask her if she wanted to be mine, and if I could be hers... and without any hesitation, she said yes.

Yeah, you heard me. I'm not alone any longer... and that changes a lot of things. Even though we're only in the first, shaking moments of our relationship, everything feels great. Suddenly, I realize how much I've missed the closeness and intimacy of another human being... When I went to bed on Monday night, I almost started crying 'cause I missed her so. I guess I developed an addiction to her faster than i thought... With the presence of someone in my life to share my thoughts and feelings with, the voices inside of me get less space to haunt me, and even though I still experience anxiety attacks and such, it has become easiser to deal with now that I know I'm not alone. I just hope she wants to stay with me, I have a constant fear of estranging her the further she gets to know me. There are things within that I hide, afraid to show, but in time they will show whether I want to or not. Let's just hope she can see through all that.

So, here I am. Not alone. Settled in the city I want to live. I should be content, but as always... I'm never quite satisfied. All these things I sought after, that now have been given to me... I'd hoped that they'd give me some kind of clarity or peace of mind, so that I could focus and finally become the creative superpower I know I really am... but so far, things haven't changed. I'm so pissed off at myself for being like this that I just want to put a gun to my head, pull the trigger, and let all the thoughts fly out and paint the walls. Maybe then someone could read them and understand what I want to achieve. At least I am only moments from releasing project Daedalus upon society. This is the first stage of the plan, and may take a long time to show some results. But it's a beginning, at least, and from now on, my life will become more and more intense. As if it wasn't already.

I'm thinking of getting some sleep... I'm going to Jönköping tomorrow to pick up some contact lenses from my optician, then I'm gonna meet up with Emmelie, she's gonna cut my fringe and maybe we'll hang out for a while.

I miss my girl.
Night...

Your evil soul

2009-07-05T22:40:00.006+02:00

10.41 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

The Spill Canvas - Bound To Happen
Dashboard Confessional - mixed songs

Dear diary,

"han är extremt icke snygg nu för tiden"

Yeah, bitch, I know. But you've become uglier too Tina, so I'm not alone. At least I know I look like shit, instead of acting like I'm sooooo alternative and trendy. You're so full of yourself, but someday, someone's gonna take you back down to earth again. Things seem to unfold as they should in the end anyway.

So... I've finally settled in here, the past few days have been a chaos of carrying furniture back and forth, unpacking a thousand boxes, putting up curtains, and so on. There's still a lot of work to be done, but I'm taking a well-earned break from that for now. The apartment isn't too bad... only this is a very... multi-cultural area, so in my gate I'm the only Swedish resident. The area's crawling with muslims and whatnot, playing their fucking taliban music all day long. At least they can't complain when I'm blasting my own music loud, which kinda' makes up for it.

I'm getting a visit from Louis soon, she's gonna spend the night here, and to be honest I'm so nervous I'm shaking. I'm really looking forward being close to her again, but I'm so unsure of myself in this matter. It feels like I have to prove to her that I'm not a boring idiot... which perhaps is the awful truth. But I'll do my best... I should get dressed and get a drink to stop the shaking, and perhaps a few painkillers... I'll get back to you with an update soon.

Later

Spinning

2009-07-02T22:03:00.007+02:00

10.03 PM, Småland, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Mötley Crüe all fuckin' day long

Dear diary,

I'm keeping things short today, I'm exhausted... just got home from Borås, I met with Louis and we went to check out my new apartment. Wasn't too bad, but I had no balcony, which I had hoped for. It was a quick visit, and tomorrow afternoon I'll be going back there to move in all my things. And then I'm officially a resident of Borås. Maybe it doesn't seem like something to celebrate for most people who already live there, but for me, it's a step towards a new beginning, and perhaps some peace for my chaotic mind. When I left the station to get on the train, I couldn't stop myself from kissing her, and... it was a very long time ago someone was able to make me feel so happy. My heart practically stopped when I kissed her soft lips, and I never wanted to let go of her... but at least I can be closer to her from now on. Let's just hope she feels the same... I'm tired of hopeless crusades.

Haven't been able to get things sorted out with getting an internet connection over there, so I don't know when I'm gonna be able to write in you next time... I'm gonna get some sleep now, if I can, there are too many people around here, and I can't get any privacy at all... tomorrow, tomorrow... patience...

Night

Love with caution

2009-07-02T03:32:00.003+02:00

03.32 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Guns N' Roses - Out Ta Get Me

Nightrage - The Glow Of The Setting Sun

Dear diary,

There's nothing much to tell about today. Made a call this morning to Borås Bostäder, and found out they had open only on Tuesdays and Fridays, between 4 and 6 PM... fucking weird open hours, but hey, not much seems right about that company. But that means I have to go to Borås tomorrow (read: today) to get the keys, since I can't get them on Friday when I'm moving in. Wasn't really planned, but hey, I have to have my keys to get in, so... Also, I'll get to meet Louis for a while, which is nice, but I'm a bit nervous that she's gonna find out I'm a total disappointment in real life. We'll see what happens.

The chaos inside has become startlingly quiet the past hours... I wonder what foul plans the demons are making...
I've felt lonely as hell today, for no particular reason it seems, since Erik has been home all day. But it's not that kind of loneliness... it's the longing of another heart to share your own with, and even though things are starting to look brighter on that matter, I still can't shake this feeling. Ah, hell, I can't think straight anyway, so I'll just end right here. I'll get back to y'all.

Night.

No one's hero

2009-07-01T04:01:00.007+02:00

04.02 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Todays soundtrack;
- VNV Nation - The whole "Matter + Form" album
- various L.A. Guns-songs

Dear diary,

I don't know why I keep pushing up writing in you. I could do it earlier every night, just to get it done, and I honestly try to write in you every day, but sometimes I just can't find the inspiration to put down into words how I feel about things. Anyway... today's been spent on sleeping, just as D-A-D put it, "I'm sleeping my day away". For sure. The plan was originally to go back to Småland today (read: yesterday, Tuesday) but I woke up far too late to be able to get on a train that would be there in time for my father to pick me up. But the evening has been quite enjoyable anyway, and I'm going back today (read: Wednesday) instead.

I've been talking a lot with Louis today... damn, that girl really makes me smile. I can't fucking wait until I can hold her in my arms, and lay down beside her at night, wake up next to her in the morning... I believe this boy is beginning to get a bad case of infatuation. And it feels so damn good. Another thing I'm looking forward to with moving to Borås is walking through town at night. It's something special about that town that makes me fall in love with it every time. Warm summer nights, walking through all the small parks, the residential areas, all the hills with the little houses and gardens, the industrial areas... just inhale the cool air, listen to all the sounds and noises of the city, cars rushing by on the freeway, laying down on your back in the soft darkness of a park, listening to that undefinable buzz that just seems to be hanging in the air, like a mixture of all the sounds of the life that pulses through the city. Watching the city lights from top of that hill where Tina first took me, then going downtown to grab a late night meal at McDonalds, and watch all the drunks fighting, and the other people trying to make their way home.

My love for big cities is probably originated from when I was a kid and we were visiting my grandmother in Jönköping. She lives in a residential area that lies high up on a hill, Dalvik, and on the road up there, at night, you get a full view of the central parts of the city. I was so fascinated by all the lights, spread out like a pearl necklace, and found it so beautiful. I used to think of every little light as it's own world, and dreamt of how I flied above the city, and dived down at every light just to see what the surroundings looked like down there. That special love for the city at night has been with me ever since, and I love just wandering through towns at night, taking in the atmosphere. Sometimes I do it alone, but nothing beats finding someone to walk with through the night, someone to talk to about life and pretty much everything. Most of my life's most memorable talks have been during these special occasions, and I'm always looking for new companions to share this passion with, so if you feel like you want to join me, just say so.

Also, this day has turned out with an unpleasant surprise. It seems that my "sun-condition" has become worse, and I couldn't spend more than a few minutes outside in the sun before my head started aching, my sight became blurred and my heart started pounding. I think I know what's going on, and if I'm right, I should be scared as hell. Not that anyone would understand, even if I told them, and I'm not planning that either so... yeah. It's all just fairytales and things mothers make up to scare their children. Things like that don't exist. We don't exist.

I have to stay awake until 8 AM, gotta make a call to Borås Bostäder and make an agreement to when I can get the keys for my apartment, hopefully they can give them to me on Friday when I move in, otherwise there's gonna be some problems. In the future... I see a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Later people.

Shadows

2009-06-30T03:35:00.005+02:00

03.35 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

Once again, I fail to write in you as often as I should. Instead of putting my life on paper (or on screen, actually), I keep things inside, where they build up a pressure that sooner or later will cause an explosion. And that wouldn't be a pretty sight. So, let's start with the catching up...

I came home yesterday late on the evening after spending the week in Borlänge at the Peace & Love festival. Instead of telling you what happened day by day (which I, for the record, really can't remember) I'm just gonna say that it was both good and bad, in many different ways. First and foremost, the hot weather was a real problem. I can't endure heat or sunlight for too long, for reasons I'll keep to myself for now, so I had to take some necessary action to prevent myself from self-igniting. As a result of this, the whole week was spent in an uncomfortable mood that made the whole experience a bit less pleasant. I'm looking forward to winter, to say the least. Another problem was the need of a place to sleep, which wasn't really taken care of until I came to Borlänge on Monday. I had a girlfriend in Falun, which is just about 15 miles away from Borlänge, and she offered me accomodation. There was a lot of travelling back and forth between the two cities the past week, but all in all it was worth it for the reason of having access to a shower and a mirror to maintain my vanity.

Most of the time in Borlänge was spent outside the festival. I slept the second night on the camping area together with Ronja, whom I'd met the first day, but got kicked out of the tent by her angry, far too drunk friend. We decided to go back to her home in Rättvik instead, which is about 30 miles away from Borlänge, and I then spent the following day and night there, and the rest of the days I slept in Falun during the nights (days). It felt better than expected to finally meet Ronja and we really had a good time together during the festival and at her place. I noticed I could relax around her, which is a rare thing for me to do with people I've recently met, and I suppose we found a mutual understanding for each other, both physically and mentally... The rest of the days are lost in a drunken haze, all I can remember is the heat, and the nights spent on partying with my friends in Sister, who had a smaller version of the "heavy metal parking lot" going on at a parking in Borlänge. It was great meeting all those bands... Panzer Princess, Vietcong Pornsurfers, Leaded Fuel, Lizzy Pistol and many more, I believe I made some great contacts there, and also talked about a gig together with Sister, Panzer Princess and Vietcong Pornsurfers in Falun this autumn.

I saw only two concerts on the whole week, which was less than planned, but Mötley Crüe alone made it worth the 1500 SKR the ticket cost me. I was psyched to finally see them, and though the show wasn't that great, it is a concert I'll always remember. The didn't play all their hits and seemed to be a bit tired of the whole thing, but hey - they're all in their fifties now, and probably off both cocaine and speed. Or maybe they didn't think Sweden was worth spending their energy on. The second band I saw was Turbonegro, which was a far more energetic gig. The frontman is a pure genius when it comes to pleasing the crowd, and Turbonegro plays fuckin' brilliant rock n' roll, so I was happy that I decided to watch them.

So we went back on Sunday, me, Erik and Linus, had a quick stop in Nora to meet one of Linus relatives, and then got home around 10 P.M. on the evening. It was kind of like waking up from a long, and sometimes nightmare-like, dream. During the week I have had no problems with anything but the heat, and some other things, but back home again, the demons laid waiting for me, and attacked me without mercy. I had been feeling uneasy during the week, but blamed it on the tension of meeting all the new people and having to spend time in large crowds, but it became clear that it was only the surface of all things that turned out to become a major panic attack. Luckily I found some sleeping pills at home, and managed to knock myself out before the hallucinations began. I'm not in any condition to try and understand what it is that makes me panic this time, and I don't even think I want to know, but I suppose it has something to do with all the chaos that is constantly going on inside my mind. So many things float around inside my head that I'm constantly getting lost in my own thoughts, unable to focus on anything but the present. Things turn up when I least expect them to, and memories resurface and make everything even more chaotic.

I'm starting to believe that everything I have to suffer happens for a reason, that somewhere there is a God or deity that has a plan for me, and that plan is leading straight into the pits of Hell, where I am doomed to suffer for all eternity. I should be looking forward to moving in to my new apartment in Borås this Friday, but all I can focus on is all the anxiety and anguish I'm experiencing. The worst thing is not knowing why I'm feeling this way, kinda' like dying from cancer without any knowledge about the disease or how to stop it. I know I need help - I just don't think anyone can help me. In this case I'm my own worst enemy, but the only one who could put an end to all the screaming inside my head.

...or not really the only one... There is someone, someone I've put my trust in once again, someone who makes my days a bit brighter, and my life worth living. She knows who she is, just by reading this, and I'm counting the days until we can meet again, finally.
And just for the record, it seems like Tina is single again. I wonder why. And I hope this doesn't cause any trouble for me, it would be typical for me to ruin something like this...

I'm just rambling on and on, I should probably try and get some sleep instead. I had an idea of making this blog more worthwhile for people reading it, so maybe I'll start with giving tips about music and stuff like that. Or maybe I'm just gonna make this my own personal sex-blog, with pictures and stories of my sex life. Or maybe not...

Ah, what the hell, night everyone...

Last forever

2009-06-29T02:07:00.002+02:00

02.05 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

I'm far too tired to be writing here tonight, so I'll try and get some sleep and then I'll get back to ya. Can't gather my thoughts right now, I feel dizzy, and can't stop falling, falling, falling...

"Back on trakk" - yeah fuckin' right...

Night

Beg for it

2009-06-21T22:34:00.004+02:00

10.35 PM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

I should be asleep already, but I'm just gonna leave a little note here... The weekend's been good, a lot of alcohol and partying, but it's business as usual I suppose. I'm leaving around 10 AM tomorrow for Borlänge and the Peace & Love Festival, a week of constant partying, listening to great music and general mayhem. I'll get back to you with some of the stories when I get back.

Gonna continue packing my stuff now, and the get some sleep. If you need to get a hold of me in the next week you're gonna have to call or message me - 0739070960.

You think you're tough

2009-06-18T08:43:00.002+02:00

08.45 AM, Falköping, Sweden

I really have no time to be writing in you today, but I'll leave a short lil' note at least...

I overslept and woke up around 8 AM, I was supposed to start doing the laundry at 7 AM... my train leaves 11.15 AM, so I'm a bit stressed since I have to make it in time to the band rehearsal in Jönköping at 1 PM, but I'll probably make it... that is if I can stop sitting around on my ass like this...

I won't be writing in you during the weekend, maybe on Sunday morning, but then we will be apart for a while... I'm seriously thinking of bringing a real diary to write in during the festival... but that would make you jealous, right? Damn right. I'll manage anyway...

Gotta go take a shower now, later y'all...

Say I'm sorry

2009-06-17T05:32:00.004+02:00

05.35 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Woke up from a horrible nightmare today... I'm sure I could still hear her crying even when I was sure I was fully awake... it left scars in me, scars I bear with me through every day in my life, just like all the thousands of others that are already there, messing up the surface, making strange patterns on my skin. She won't stay away from my dreams, and I can't make her go away when I awake... will I ever make her face fade away from the surface of my heart? It feels like I can't breathe...

So anyway, the day's been as usual - been doing a lot of... nothing, as usual. Decided today that I'll be going to Jönköping on Thursday to rehearse with the band, and then sleep at Emmelie's place until Friday, party with the band and the rest of the people at the beach of Lake Vättern, they're gonna have a barbecue or something like that, I really don't care as long as I'll get the opportunity to kill my brain with alcohol. Then on Saturday we'll be going down to Gothenburg as planned, I'm gonna get a little shopping done for the Peace & Love festival, then I'll be going back to Falköping early on Sunday morning, pack my stuff, then leave for Rättvik and meet up with Ronja, go back to her place and get some sleep, and then on Monday go to Falun to leave my stuff at a girlfriends place, where I'm also going to sleep and shower during the festival. God, I hate all this planning, it makes me feel nauseous... everything would be easier if I had a lot of cash to spend on such things, you wouldn't have to worry about getting someplace to sleep, you could just check in at a hotel or something like that. I'm gonna enjoy being a filthy rich rockstar in the future, to say the least...

Nothing much else to say about today... I've been feeling uneasy through the whole evening and night, and the feeling won't go away no matter what I do... at least I feel a bit better by talking to Louis, she really makes this all worth while... I miss her so bad, and I'm looking forward to seeing her again when I move into my new apartment in Borås, then we can spend the nights together... and the demons will keep quiet, finally... I never really saw this coming, even though I reached out in every direction for someone to help me escape from this hell I've been walking in, I never thought it would be her being my shining light, my guardian angel... but I couldn't have found a more beautiful girl than her, she... fuck, listen to me, the big romantic...

But at least it's true.

Pray that Tina won't haunt my dreams today, I know I will...

Night' everyone

Sober and irrelevant

2009-06-16T05:00:00.002+02:00

05.00 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

I'm writing in you today with the intention of keeping things short, but who knows what flashes of insight might hit me...

Today (read "yesterday") has been worthless. Went back here early in the morning, fell asleep and slept the whole day, woke up in the evening, played a little Warcraft with some friends... and that's pretty much it. I feel tired and worn-out, uninspired and pretty much fed up with everything about my situation right now. I want to get out of this place, move, so I won't have to put up with the constant irritation that the people around here is causing. I know it's not really their fault, it's just the way they are, but the things they do (or don't do, really) irritate me to the point when I'm ready to freak out and rail them out totally. I have always felt the need to be alone at least a couple of hours every day, and I can't get that privacy here. I need my own castle to reside in, where I can let my true self out without having to wear any protective mask or false facades. First then I can try to evolve myself to the next level of consciousness.

As I mentioned earlier, no plans for the week. Nora said she wanted to visit, but I don't know if she will, her boyfriend doesn't like me spending time with her... and I can understand that, considering our past mistakes. Today's highligt has been a text message I recevied a couple of hours ago from Louis that almost made me start crying. If you're reading this baby, know that you make me the happiest man alive when you say things like that.

Uh... I really have nothing else to say... or maybe I do, but I can't seem to figure out just what it is. Oh yeah, I'm all sober. No pills, no alcohol, no drugs. Sometimes I'm good.

I feel an anxiety attack approaching... so much for perseverance...

Night everyone.

Everything

2009-06-15T04:05:00.003+02:00

04.05 AM

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again

You are the strength, that keeps me walking
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose... you're everything

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away
Would you take me in
Take me deeper now

I don't know what's happening to me... another breakdown, I suppose... Isn't it funny... that just one single second of a song can make your heart miss a beat? Fuck... it should never have ended that way. We promised each other... remember?

"Don't let go of me, never let go of me."

I never did.
I never did, baby, I never did... and no matter how hard I try to erase you from my memory, you're still there, like a nightmare haunting me forever... but the sweetest nightmare I've ever had. But you're happy now, at least, and you have since long forgotten of me, exchanging memories of me with new, better ones. I wish I could, too... I can't express with words the hole you left inside me when you left me alone.

men jag har saknat din hand 
har saknat din röst 
ensamma dar har jag saknat ditt huvud 
mot mitt bröst 

somliga dar 
tar jag in vad jag hör 
det går kvällar ibland när jag inte
ens undrar vad du gör 

det är ibland som förut 
ibland har jag känt att jag duger 
jag har hämtat och samlat ihop
nog med kraft att gå ut 

jag ser dig fortsätta nu 
med varsamma kliv 
jag ser dina drömmar sakta lossna
från mitt liv 

jag har saknat en vän 
jag har varit på krogar och barer 
det har hänt att jag ljugit och sagt
att jag måste gå hem 

jag har saknat din röst 
nu har du en ny 
ännu okända nätter ruvar
i väntan på att gry

Ashes and snow

2009-06-15T00:46:00.002+02:00

12.50 AM, Småland, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Yet again, I am sorry for not writing in you for a while... I've been kinda' busy. I'll give you a short resumé;

Thursday - went to Jönköping and met up with Emmelie, went back to her place and had dinner together. It was nice getting to know her better, and the food was great too.

Friday - Got up, got dressed, went downtown to buy some liquor, went back to her place and started drinking. The town was full of newly graduated students, so all clubs were packed, but we went downtown anyway. I found my drunk bassplayer in a club, had a few words with him, grabbed something to eat, and then went back to Emmelie's place again for the afterparty. Fell asleep around 8 AM in the morning...

Saturday - ...and woke up around 9 AM when my alarm clock started ringing. Realized that I should be at our rehearsal space in less than 1 and a half hour. Panicked, tried to find my clothes, called basstard, felt relief when he had just woke up, drunk as hell. Chilled out for an hour, went to the rehearsal space, jammed with the band, realized they sounded fucking great together. Went back to Emmelie's place. Started drinking, got drunk, listened to music and various clips on YouTube with my drummer and my guitarist. Went to a party held by Sister's former bassplayer, Albin, and also met Dani from Sister there. Got even more drunk. Phoned Louis, and talked to her a while, felt really good and leaved me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Carried a passed-out Emmelie home, while laughing at our drummer who stood leaned against a tree, puking his guts out. Fell asleep early in the morning.

Sunday - Woke up with an awful headache. Drank a bathtub of water, at least. Got my hair cut by Emmelie, and then went back home in the evening.

So now I'm back at my parent's place again, I'm leaving early in the morning to head back to Falköping once again, and I'll probably spend the week there. Nothing planned, but I believe I'll have some catching up to do while being there, so things will probably get busy anyway. We've planned another rehearsal on Thursday this week, then on Saturday I'll maybe head down to Gothenburg together with Emmelie and our drummer, who's gonna watch AC/DC, lucky bastard... So we'll be partying at Sticky Fingers the night before, then I'll be off to Borlänge and the Peace & Love Festival on the 21st of June, spending the following week there together with friends and other misfits. Needless to say, it's gonna be one hell of a ride.

I've been feeling kinda' normal through the whole weekend, but that's probably because of the massive consumption of alcohol and other substances. When I'm back here again, I feel empty... and unemotional, even though my head and my heart is bursting with feelings. I'm getting dizzy from this ride, once more I can't handle the speed at which I'm travelling through life. The progression made through the last few days have been overwhelming in more than one way, it seems as if everyone wants a piece of either my body or my heart, or both at the same time, and as much as I'd like to give it to each and every one, it beats only for one person. I don't feel the need to tell you who, 'cause she understands I mean her when she reads this. Maybe it's just a first taste of celebrity... only I haven't figured out if it tastes good or awful yet...

Good God, bless my soul
I need a fix of rock 'n roll
Come on baby you gotta wait and see
You better hurry
To get a piece of me

Caught a lonely lady
Crying on a cigarette
I got nasty, nasty habits
And that's all she's gonna get

One for the money, two for the show
So 'round and 'round and 'round we go
Take a look at what-a you might need
You better hurry
To get a piece of me

I should try and get some sleep, but I know I can't fall asleep. It feels like something is missing out, that it is something I have forgotten about that needs to be done before I can lay down and rest. This feeling applies to pretty mych everything I do, a feeling of incomplete that I can't seem to shake. I guess it's something that I'll have to live with, since it has become a part of me already. I'm picking up bad habits fast... and I'll probably stay awake through the night, as so many times before. Missing you.

Night