So far away

8 PM, Düsseldorf, Germany

Dear diary,

Long time no see, right? I'm not really in the mood for clichés, so let's just move on. I can't even remember why I started writing in you again, as always, my head is full of thoughts, a thousand thougths rushing by in the speed of light, never slowing down enough for me to hang on to them. So I'm left with nothing. Nothing to write about, even though it's been more than two years since our last encounter. Even though my world is falling apart, even though there´s a million voices inside my head, all screaming, whispering. 

I despise what I've become. Not even my English serves me anymore, not like before where writing in English seemed as natural as writing in my own native language. I just can't focus, no matter how hard I try. They simply wont' let me.

 

Undo you

1 AM, Boras, Sweden

Dear diary,

It's all a matter of holding out as long as you can, until finally, you break and perish under the weight that has been building up. It's not a race against time, because you can't get away no matter how fast you run. Speed only blurs out the people passing by you on your way to your grave. Me, I run for the sake of getting there as fast as possible, and it won't be long now. Just around the bend...

When I close my eyes I see her. In my head, there's a movie playing and she's the star. Her new, happy life is shown to me, scene by fucking scene, and I'm not even in the credits. I miss her. I fucking miss her, and to her, I'm nothing. Not even a memory. Totally erased, forgotten, dismissed. A wrong turn, a mistake, thrown away down in the gutter. And I can't get up. I've been here for almost one and a half year now, and I can't get up. Every time I try, the memory of her lying in my arms, peacefully sleeping, drags me down to the fucking bottom. Down to the depths of hell. My medical condition is getting worse every day, I can actually feel it clouding my mind, a black, poisonous cloud engulfing everything, every rational thought, every small reason to be happy. I simply can't fight it anymore, and even if I would, it would be in vain. It has gone too far, it's in too deep. I can't kill it off without killing myself. It's not far away now, just around the bend...

And I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you...

Estranged

2.48 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack

The voices in my head.

Not even in my dreams can I be safe from them. Haunting, relentlessly.
I can't take it.


So fuck it. I'm off. So long. Goodbye. It's such a cliché, you know, leaving a note and shit. But this isn't a long letter where I tell everyone I love them. It's just a short notice, nothing special.

Because I never was. To Z and E - I'll see you in hell where you belong. And to everyone else - cheers.


Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I musn't hesitate
If I'm to find my own way out

The search is over

9.03 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Survivor – The Search Is Over

Now the miles stretch out behind me
Loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie victims of the game
Then good luck it finally struck
Like lightning from the blue
Every highway leading me back to you

Dear diary,

Ugh, I really don't feel like writing in you, but I suppose I should. We have a lot to talk about.

I guess we have... you first.

It's all changed, just over the last week. Everything's different now. I've no time to get into details, you already know most of them anyway. She said yes. I still can't believe it. It's like walking around in a dream, knowing you're dreaming, but unable to wake up from it. Yet every kiss from her lips is telling me that I'm awake. She came over to our party on New Year's Eve, and the minute she walked through the door I had but one thing in my mind - I was going to share my bed with her that night. Said and done, we stood embraced in an alcohol-infused kiss as the first seconds of the new year were ticking away, and later that night, while looking into each others eyes, she said yes. She didn't care about how fucked up I told her I was, and that to me is what makes her so special. To wake up by her side was the best start of a new year I've ever had. I've been feeling so confused the last month, not knowing what to make of the feelings inside me, feelings that have been dead and buried for so long. Not since that day in 2005 that she left and everything caved in on me have I felt this way about another person. Not for any of them after, not for anyone before that. Until now.

Woah, woah... slow it down a bit, dude. What? She said yes? I guess she's in for one hell of a surprise. You're out of your mind, fella. Did you introduce me too? Didn't think so...


I have no words of describing how she makes me feel, everything is just spinning too fast right now to even begin to explain... Such a beautiful being, having her in my arms brings me a feeling of safety I have been dying to get back to for the last 8 years. Maybe everything between has just been a test to make me worthy of spending my time with someone like her. I survived, barely, and not without scars that'll always be there to remind me of the fucked up people that have tried to destroy me with their poisonous lies. But I'm still breathing. Heart still beating. Yeah, that's a big fuck you to all of you. Maybe not all, after all, some of you are still my friends, but mostly to you, Z. Fuck you and everything you did with me. It makes me want to throw up thinking about how close we were, and how nothing of it meant anything to you. How easy I was to throw away like yesterday's trash, how you lied and cheated your way through the last 6 months of our relationship, telling me you loved me, and then went straight into someone else's bed, spreading your legs like the cheap whore you are. I hope you die in agonizing pain.

I'm not saying that it'll be easy from now on. The ghosts are still inside my head, haunting, every single second of every single day. But now I have someone there for me who can chase them away, make them return into their dark corners and stay there for as long as she's with me. The light she's brought in has pierced through the dark clouds, and made the path in front of me so much easier to see, even though it's far from straight ahead. It'll surely have its bumps and wrong turns, but in the end I'll make my way to the end. I'm sure of it. Because now, I have you. And nothing else means anything.

Addicted

0.07 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack; Mumford & Sons – Sigh No More

Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Dear diary,

I guess I've been neglecting you again. It's not on purpose... or maybe it is. I find it easier to hide what I'm really feeling when I'm not writing in you.

We both know what happens when you hold everything inside of you. It suffocates you, to the point where you feel your life slowly fading away, and you gasp for air, trying to reach for a hand that never will be there to grab you. You know that.

I know... and here I've been thinking I'm doing well the last few weeks, but it's all just accumulated and now I can't hold it in any longer. It hurts, it hurts like hell to see her so happy with someone else. There, I said it. Even though he's totally fuckin' hideous, it doesn't change the fact that he has what I wanted so bad just a couple of months ago. She'll always belong to me, no matter what happens. I've spent so much time getting under her skin, and now she ripped me out and threw me away, but I'll find a way back in again, I promise. The anger and hate still burns inside me, the desire for vengeance for what she did to me, the lies and the cowardly way of trying to get rid of me. I still hear people talking about her, they know exactly what I'm going through, cause' they can see so clearly what kind of fucked up person she is, it shines through whatever facade she is trying to put up. And still it's just a button to press to ruin the rest of her life. It might even be worth it just to see her suffer.

I can't argue with you on that, dude. She's a fucking monster, even I can see that. We should smack her around a bit, it would be fun, wouldn't it? A broken nose, some bruises? I'd laugh all the way.

Not very good for your reputation, beating women, ya know? Even if she'd deserve every punch.

The only think keeping me somewhat sane nowadays is her presence in my life. And still, I can't find the words to tell her how I feel, so afraid of being rejected. So many opportunities in my life have been wasted beacuse of that major flaw, not being able to handle being rejected. It's one of my biggest fears, and it's coming from my self-esteem being non-existent. It'd be such a hard blow to my ego, a blow which I might not recover from, ever. So I sit here quiet and wait, watching her every move like some psycho stalker, trying to interpret her actions, and fearing that all those words are meant for someone else. She's all I see I my dreams, all I can think of when I'm awake, and all I want is to hold her in my arms until we fall alseep, and then wake up by her side, once again feeling safe for the first time in years. I'd want our love to be wild and uncontrollable, not perfect, I'd want us to burn together in a wild firestorm, feeding off the flames and the chaos, making our home deep inside where no one can hurt us ever again. The idea of living my life together with someone else was totally different to me just half a year ago, but now... I can imagine a future with someone like her. I'd still be fighting with the sickness inside of me, it would still try to drag me down to hell with it, every single day - but with her love and support it'd be a war worth waging. Now, it's pointless. I've stopped struggling, in the end it makes no difference anyway, I'll always end up at the bottom of the spiral, no matter how high I climb and what victories I claim. I feel like a lost child, searching for the loving arms of his mother, someone to hold him and press their lips to his forehead and silently whisper into his ear that everything, everything is going to be alright.

Just by feeling this way, I've already won. In just a matter of weeks, she awoke something inside of me that Z never managed to do in three years - simply because she was never worth the struggle. I'll never deny the part she played in my life, but I'm never going to acknowledge it if she doesn't, and she never will. The way she erased me so easily has made it impossible to ever feel anything for what we had, it's three years right down the drain. But in the end, I'll always win. Always. Cunt.

Dance to another tune

8 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPl2-F-39Eo

Det jag vill ha kan inte köpas
Inte stjälas, få till låns
Det jag vill ha kan inte ägas
Det är så mycket större än så
Jag kastar pappersplan från höghus
Mot en gnista gömd i snön
Jag måste tro att det kan hända
Jag måste drömma min egen dröm
För du och jag ska aldrig dö
Nej du och jag ska aldrig dö

Dear diary,

Had a great weekend, still a bit hungover though. My guitarist came here on Friday, had a couple of beers and talked a lot about the band's future, always feels good to have someone to share your vision with, and we're very much on the same level when it comes to ideas and plans. Later in the evening we were also joined by Alexi, a friend of mine who's also a musician, we got drunk and had a good time just talking memories. Got up on Saturday and started drinking again, later on we were joined by Emma and Rebecka, then went down to the gig. Not that into the music, but like I said, that wasn't the main reason to go there. Met a lot of old friends from Boras that I haven't seen in two years, and after the gig we all went back to my place for the afterparty. Got a bit loud, complaints from the neighbour, but all in all we had a great time, many new faces as well which is nice, made friends with a few of them. And I didn't have to sleep alone, a very welcome change considering who I shared my bed with.

All in all, I'm doing pretty well right now, mentally at least. I know, I know, it seems like every time I say I'm doing fine, it's only a matter of hours until everything turns around and I'm sent back to the depths of Hell again. But surrounding myself with a lot of awesome, supportive people is my way of dealing with this situation, and that warm feeling inside that's getting bigger every passing minute, of course. Someone new to focus all my attention on.

Gotta go get some sleep, tired as fuck. Later y'all.

Something to believe in

00.40 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Her Bright Skies – Diamonds 

"Cause' every minute
of every day,
I still know your taste
And I'm not living,
I just exist,
You wouldn't notice."

Dear diary,

Not much to report today either. Been writing some music today, a sudden strike of inspiration. Just waiting for my band to arrive and we'll put together the songs to a demo.
Planning on going to a gig this weekend, a band with some people I know are playing at a local restaurant, but to be honest I'm not really there for them, since a very special person is going to be there as well. Can't wait.

Pretty quiet inside my head today, the demons seem to be hiding at the moment, even been getting some non-chemically assisted sleep lately. Positive thoughts and images of her face help me fall asleep at night, that's a very welcome change. On another note, my hatred grows even stronger every passing minute. It'd be so easy to completely destroy her, and make the rest of her life a living hell, but I keep telling myself, is she worth it? Not sure about that, but since I know she's reading this on a regular basis,maybe I should leave a personal message? Haha, naah, the drama... ooh. I'm not even sure why I wan't to see her anymore, can't decide if it's to get it confirmed that she's a lying, false whore, or if it's to spit in her face, or to put it all to rest. Really can't decide, but hey, she's never gonna show up anyway so... I won't have to lift a finger even, people seem to be very negative towards her everywhere I go, without me having to tell them a single word about the whole situation. That's pretty convenient, gives me time to focus on better things, and better people.

I don't know... just over the course of the last few weeks, so much has changed. I find that december is the month where I choose to move on, it has been that way for the past five years. It's the time of the year where I bury my old self, piss on the grave and then move on to a better tomorrow. That feeling I've been having, that her presence in my life was like being a prison, that all my decisions were based on how she would react, and when I'm not having her circling above my head like a carrion swarm I can finally see clearly, and walk through all the doors that were closed to me before. And one of those doors lead me straight to her, an unexpected bump in the road that turned out to be a major turning point. After three years in an emotional ice age, caused by a deeply disturbed individual, something inside me has opened up, and the feeling is frightening at first, but then you get used to the idea of sharing your life with someone who completes you in all the ways the person before couldn't, and you take a step through the door, and then it shuts behind you. And suddenly, the sun shines through the clouds, strikes through that warped ribcage and unthaws the permafrost to discover that somewhere under that thick layer of cold ice, something is still beating. And it's been waiting for so long to beat for someone, and now the beat is getting stronger every day.

And at the end of the day, it turns out that "the man who couldn't love", just couldn't love you. 



Because you were never worth the sacrifice.

Hang on tight

3.20 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Her Bright Skies – I'll Be For You 

"I'll be the flowers that they place on your casket
I'll be the love that we knew would never last it
I'll be the moon when the last sun is setting
I'll be for you
I'll be for you "

Dear diary,

Nothing much to report, everything's pretty boring right now. Just waiting around, as usual. Been planning a lot for the band's future, creating new profiles on different social networks and so on. We'll make it. We have to.

Pretty strong feelings of separation anxiety today. Amidst all the hate I feel towards her, I still just want to sit down and talk about it. I'll never be able to put it to rest without that. But once again, she's too much of a coward for that to happen. And that just provokes me even more, turning into a spiral of hate and misery, but also a strong determination to prove her wrong and make her suffer the way she has made me suffer. An eye for an eye.

Never wound what you can't kill, sweetie.

Thorn within

1.02 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

 Metallica – Thorn Within


Forgive me father
For I have sinned
Find me guilty when true guilt is from within

So point your fingers
Point right at me
For I am shadows and will follow you
One and the same are we 

Dear diary,

Spent last night at Jessica's place together with Louis and Gabriella, had some to eat and just talked all night, slept together all four in a bed. It feels so good to be able to do stuff like that, back in Jönköping I had no one to spend time with, so I got stuck with myself and my murderous mind. I'm not saying it has become any better, or any less murderous for that matter, but now at least I'm not fighting alone. Soon I'll be joined by my bandmates as well, makes it's easiser to focus on the journey we're about to embark on together. Nothing's gonna stop us now.

Sleeping alone tonight, we'll see how that works out. Chest pains still won't go away, but no blood from strange places at least. Looks like I'll be able to see her next week, feels like it's gonna be really awkward, but looking forward to it anyway. You never know, miracles do happen every once in a while. Night y'all.
 

Scared to death

Got bored. Sorry for the bad quality.

https://soundcloud.com/sidney-holst/him-scared-to-death

Dancing with desire

12.42 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;


King Kobra – Dancing With Desire


I'm flirting with temptation
Coming close to complication now
Dancing with desire
You practice sweet seduction
And I'll follow your instruction now
Hangin' on the wire
Dancing with desire 

Dear diary,

Feeling pretty good today. Woke up with a smile on my face from dreaming about her, a nice change from the usual nightmares. Still having some chest pains though... I totally missed my doctor's appointment as well, maybe not the best idea but, hey. I guess they'll send me a new one. As much as I want to know how bad it is, I also feel that I'm better off not knowing, that way it'll all come as a surprise if something inside my body would stop functioning and hopefully it'll be over quick. I'd hate to suffer.

No plans for today, it's snowing like crazy here right now so I'm not in the mood for leaving the apartment, but it's so empty here right now so I'll probably join Jessica tonight at her place in town. A lot of waiting around right now, and we all know how patience really isn't my strong side... waiting for my drummer to move in, waiting for my furniture, waiting for a job, waiting to see her... at least I have something to look forward to, that keeps me going.

The separation anxiety is starting to wear off. Sure, there are times I actually miss her, late at night when I'm feeling weak, but then I remind myself I'm so much better off without her. The only thing that bothers me is her reluctance to talk about it. I can't lay it all to rest without talking about how fucked up everything came to be, but I know she'll never admit that she lied, she's too proud for that. I mean, after all we spent three years in an on-off relationship, and no matter how weird it was, no one but us will ever understand how much we meant to each other. How many good times we shared, amidst all the confusion. I think it's a shame to just bury all that without having someone to share it with. Right now it's just gone, with no return. She won't, and I won't if she won't. But maybe some people are better off dead. 

Gotta go take a shower, later y'all.

Gone but never forgotten

5.34 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Guns N' Roses – Don't Damn Me

"I know you don't want to hear me crying
An I know you don't want to hear me deny
That your satisfaction lies in your illusions
But your delusions are yours an not mine
We take for granted that we know the whole story
We judge a book by it's cover
And read what we want
Between selected lines"

Dear diary,

Just woke up, slept all day long since Jessica and Louis left. They decided to visit me last night after the bars closed, I was a mess by then so I gladly accepted. They spent the whole night here talking, hugging and just messing around, felt really good to get some distraction from my mind trying to kill me. We all slept on my small mattress for a couple of hours, then they got up and left around 9 AM. The best of friends, so glad I have them. Seems like my drummer is gonna start moving in next week, which is great news, it's a tad bit empty here at the moment, echoing through the rooms with no furniture. Also having my doctor's appointment tomorrow, I guess I'll go just to see what they'll say... been having trouble with my heart again lately, hurts like hell when I breathe, so I guess something's up...

The feeling of freedom grows stronger every passing minute. My mind is burning with anger and fury for what that cunt did to me, I'll never be able to forgive her for the deceit and fuckin' lies she were telling me, and if I get the chance I'll spit in her fuckin' face. I'm totally convinced that she had met this dude she's with right now before me - I know for a fact she has - and they started forming a relationship while she was still telling me she loved me, and then it got serious so she had to make an excuse to get rid of me to hook up with that sorry fuck. Right on, girl, nice move. You always had the saying "I'll just let karma fuck you up." written everywhere, but I guess it kicks back. Everyone I talk to say the same thing to me; "I can't believe you stood up with that fake bitch for so long", and that is from the people I once believed were her friends. I guess they can tell from a mile away. Funny how that works, karma... Anyway, good riddance. Now for some coffee and a cigarette. Later.

Toast of the town

4.27 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Deep Purple – Love Conquers All

Somewhere there's a place in your heart
Where the wounds never heal
Well you're not alone
That's just how I feel
Love conquers all
This one will last a lifetime
And if love conquers all
This one will last forever

Dear diary,

Once again, three new views from Kinna. If you're that curious, why don't you just talk to me? I won't bite. 

Not much is new. Two nights left until I move in, can't wait, life is so boring right now. Finally got an answer from my doctor, read through it real quick, but it was something about damages to my kidneys and blood counts that were way off, and that it could result in severe kidney failure if left untreated. Whatever. Got an appointment to do some more testing next week, but I think I'll just skip it.

I'm starting to get the feeling that somehow I've been set free from a prison I've been in for the last three years. I couldn't see it at first, but now the feeling is getting stronger each day. A feeling of freedom, something I've nearly forgotten how it feels. No longer is my every action influenced by her, no longer is my imagination and creativity connected to how she makes me feel. She's been holding me back for so long, and now that I've got my first taste of the freedom I've been missing out on, I'll never go back. The pain she caused, and the atrocious lies she was telling has made it easy to erase her completely from my past. I'll never get those years back again, and I'll never have someone to share them with again, but I can live with that, because it means I'll never have to deal with such a fucked up individual again. She always told me that my actions made it easier for her to forget me, and now her actions have made it easier than ever to erase her existence from my world. And she always said that I was unable to change, that I could never love with this disease inside my head, but it turns out the reason I couldn't was her. You can't love someone who doesn't believe in your love, and maybe she really wasn't worth the trouble of finding the passion again anyway. Besides, there's a new face in my mind keeping me busy with it's beauty. Can't wait to see her.

Until next time.

 

Maybe I'm just blind

1.36 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Guns N' Roses – You Ain't The First

"Time can pass slowly,
things always change
Your day's been numbered
And I've read your last page
You was just a temporary lover
Honey you ain't the first
Lots of others came before you woman
Said but you been the worst
Said you been the worst"

Dear diary,

First thing's first. I know you're reading. A bit harder to let go than you expected is it? Four views from Kinna, from an Iphone... hmm... who could it be... 
Seriously though, my offer still stands. Some coffee and some chit-chat, and this could be over for good. Your cowardice is remarkable.

You'll have to excuse my absence. I've been ill. Terribly ill. Someone tried to drag me down, and damn near succeeded in doing so. Yeah, you know who, and you know what. I was ready to let it all go, but took one last chance and fled the scene. Been in Borås for a couple of days together with some old friends of mine. It has been good, mostly. I haven't been sleeping alone, which is when I'm most vulnerable to attack from my vicious head. But now I'm back home in the woods again for the last time around before I move into my new apartment in Borås. Six more nights, then I won't have to sleep alone again, hopefully for a long time ahead. Should be nice, looking forward to decorating the place, now when we have a lot of space to fill out. Also having a party at New Year's Eve, combined housewarming and celebrating New Year's Eve, looking forward to it.

But most of all, I'm excited about seeing a certain person who keeps my mind busy just enough to keep her out of it. Didn't expect that, did you?

You took me by surprise, I have to admit. But really? You think you can handle it? Handle her? I'm ready to bet against it. I can sense that you've changed, but as long as I'm here, you won't get away with anything funny. So don't try. 

Watch me.

Eye for an eye

7.30 PM, In Hell

Today's soundtrack;

cuntcuntcuntcuntcunt

Dear diary,

So there we have it. She has a new guy, confirmed. It took her 45 days to forget all about me, or maybe she did right from the start. Now it doesn't matter anymore, I can as well become that psycho she tells me I really am. She has ruined my life, now it's time to ruin hers. And she deserves every last bit of it. Bitch.

Lay your hands on me

2.17 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Sleeping With Sirens – Scene Three - Stomach Tied In Knots

"See the problem isn’t you, it’s me I know
I can tell, I’ve seen it time after time
And I’ll push you away
I get so afraid

And I can't live without you now
I can't even live with myself "

Dear diary,

Too fucked up to write anything of importance. What difference does it make anyway... Did some moving today, so I'm sitting here by candlelight in an empty apartment. This time the walls aren't draped in memories like my past homes... the one in Vaggeryd was a black hole of pain and anguish, and the one in Borås had it's share of good memories, but also cold, black ones full of hate, fear and pain. I guess something really is dead inside. But yeah... this is it. Really moving away tomorrow, just hand in the keys and I'm gone for two weeks until it's time to move in on the 30th of November.

I guess my test results might show up this week. I'm gonna call them tomorrow and see if it's done already. Still a lot of blood coming out of places it shouldn't... also haven't been able to eat anything since yesterday, just some water. Feels like my body is shutting down on me, getting ready for it's destiny. I won't blame it. Time for a late night rendevous with some of my best friends... Mr. Benzodiazepine and Mrs.Flunitrazepam. Quite charming, really... 

Stranded

2.00 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Great White – Save Your Love

And here in my heart,
where no one else will ever be
I know who you are,
so lock the door
and throw away the key

Dear diary,

Not much to say about today, really. Had nightmares the whole night, constantly drifting in and out of sleep, so have been walking around in a coma all day long. Can't remember the last time I had a full night's sleep. Probably the last time she slept by my side. She's the only one who could make it all stop. Well, not all of it... but enough to let sleep embrace me for a whole night. I really don't know what to write here, my mind is not with me tonight. Feels like my head is padded with cotton, and I have trouble with my sight, but I think that's just the side effects from the meds. Not sure what it is, and I don't really want to know. I trust the guy, it is what it is.

Still waiting for the results to come back. Did the mistake of telling someone else about my personal hell, partly because she asked about it, and partly because I still am dumb enough to think someone else would understand. I know I'm gonna disappoint her too, just like everyone else. They all say the same things, but they don't know what it's like. They don't know I'm trapped, that I can't do anything about it. But they keep on telling me those things...

I wonder if he's smarter than me. Or better in bed. Probably both.

Probably? For sure, dickhead. It ain't hard being better than you, we both know that. So yeah, naturally, he's better in all the ways you could never be. Hurts, doesn't it? It's supposed to, you need to know your place in the gutter. Don't ever forget about it.

I still have that stupid photo of her that she gave me for Christmas. She told me to burn it, I think I might just do that. Not much to look at anyway...
Gonna go find me something for the chest pain, it won't go away. I hope my heart stops in my sleep, that way I won't even notice. Just go peacefully. I've nothing left to live for anyway.

Poison hearts will never change

10.46 PM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

AFI – The Leaving Song

"Poison hearts will never change."

Dear diary,

Been busy moving all day today. Really tired right now, so I'm gonna try to get some sleep soon. It's been rough keeping a straight face in front of everyone when my intestines feel like they're burning up from inside. Thank god for strong painkillers, maybe not such a bright idea when I already know they'll only make it worse, but hey... what does it matter now anyway. Just gonna wait for my test results, and see how long I've got. Could at least give it a try to make the best of it.

Pretty sure she has a new guy now. Nice. Gives me just another reason. See y'all in hell.

Secret

11.08, In the middle of nowhere, Sweden

 Today's soundtrack;

Stone Sour – Gone Sovereign

Dear diary,

I really don't know what to say anymore. It seems as if me writing in you makes it worse, people reading this diary and making up their own versions of the truth. Fuck 'em. I'm tired of it all... but mostly, I'm still scared. Took the courage to actually go to my doctor's appointment today. Don't know why I booked it, cause' if I tell them the truth, they'll lock me up. So I lied to them today. I told them about the pain in my stomach, told them about the blood in the urine, told them about the lack of appetite the last month, told them about the dizziness... but I didn't tell thgem of the nice lil' cocktail of pills I swallow every night to make the pain go away. I knew what he was gonna say anyway, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what is going on. He sent me to take some tests, and I'm waiting for the results. I know what they'll say, I'm only interested in how bad it is. The pills have fucked up my kidneys, they can't stand the constant abuse. I've read the symptoms a hundred times already, it all fits in. Maybe they've stopped working, and they'll have to replace them. 

Fuck that, I'd rather die a slow death than have someone elses organs inside my body. Besides, he said that the waiting list was a couple of years, that they had trouble finding suitable donors... and since my blood group is so unusual, it's even worse. My head is spinning, I just can't take it in. And amidst all this, she decides to write about me again, telling everyone she's gonna be so happy without me. Like I needed her to rub it in my face. So hostile, so different. We used to be so close, you know? And now... nothing. When I need someone the most, no one's there. Alone. Always alone.

Pull the trigger

3.49 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Slipknot – Snuff

So break yourself against my stones  
And spit your pity in my soul  
You never needed any help  
You sold me out to save yourself

Dear diary,

I can't control myself right now, this is spinning out of control. I'm scared. All day long, and I haven't been able to draw a single breath without it feeling like someone shoved a knife into my chest. I don't know what's wrong, but something's wrong. Maybe my heart has finally collapsed under the heavy stress. I googled "chest pain" all day long, freaking out over all the severe conditions related to it, nearly all of them fatal if left unattended... what if I go in my sleep? I won't have time to write or call anyone, so maybe I should write a note, just in case... I can't even remember swallowing all those pills, and I don't know what it was. It doesn't say on any of the bottles. I can't go to the hospital, they'll lock me up and I'll go even more insane in there. Out here at least I can run from what haunts me, even though I won't get far... What I'm running from is inside of me, and I'll always carry it with me no longer how far I try to run. There's no escape, I've known that for so long. Accepting my fate is not as hard as it used to be, I know now that I'm heading towards the end. That's what all the books about my illnes says, that it drastically shortens the life of the patient, and that suicide is very common when left untreated. No treatment has ever worked for me. It's in too deep, it has become such a big part of me that it won't die without taking me with it. Whatever it takes to make it stop. 

I've no pills left tonight, only a bottle of Theralen. Gotta get some new ones tomorrow, really don't have the cash but I can't go without, it's a hell I don't wish upon even my worst enemy... I've found that no matter how hard I try to sedate myself, the nightmares won't go away. Somehow they push through the thick veil of chemicals, and come out the other side even more twisted and dark. And they're always the same. Scenarios of me being left alone, people leaving, people happy with someone else, and always her. Her face. Her voice. Smiling, happy with some other guy whom I can never compete with. I try to scream, but my voice won't go through, as if a thick wall of glass separates us. I reach out my hands, desperately wanting to touch her, hold her, but her back is turned and she walks away, out of my reach. That's when I wake up to find that my whole body is numbed by the pills, I can't move a muscle, and I lie there for the next couple of hours, unable to get up, and constantly drifting in and out of a weary sleep. 

You've brought this upon yourself, boy. Don't try to get someone to pity you, 'cause you ain't worth it. You really think she's reading this? Get real. She. Doesn't. Care. You're not in her thoughts, even though she's constantly in yours. She has new people to care about, people who give something back, something you can never do.

I hear ya. But somewhere deep inside, there's still some hope left that you haven't been able to find. I got the apartment. I'm moving there. Maybe we'll meet then and realize all of this has just been a bad dream. Or maybe not... I'd be happy just getting to hold her in my arms again, if just for one night. To forget about all that has happened, and just be us two together for a little while, and take that small piece left inside of us of the love we once shared and let it become real again, just for a little while. 

You're dreaming again. Pathetic wishes, like I told ya - get real. It only hurts worse when you realize nothing of that will never come true. Sure, you're moving there... but it ain't gonna help ya when she wants nothing to do with you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner we can end this show. And there's not gonna be a curtain call for you.

You're right. Curtains down, here we go...