Cowboys don't look back

3.18 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Eminem feat. Royce Da 5'9 - Scary Movies

Dear diary,

I felt compelled to leave a lil' note here tonight. We've been through some tough shit together, after all... So... it's past midnight again, yet another worthless day ahead of me. I slept until 5 PM today, so I'm really not tired, though I've had an annoying headache for the most part of the evening. Louis slept here tonight, or... yesterdaty night, actually. It was nice to have some company, you know how easily I get lonely. She didn't seem too comfortable with the fact that we didn't share the same intimacy as we did when we were together, but that's the way things need to be for now. I can't support a decision to move into a relationship again, that would just be another disaster on a very long list of disasters. I actually had some plans for today, but as usual, things seem to fuck up in every possible way when I'm planning something. I meant to go down to Jönköping today and party with some friends, were really looking forward to it, but I recently discovered that some money had been deducted from my bank account for some loans I have, so I'm nearly broke, which makes it kinda' hard to travel anywhere. So it looks like I'll be spending the weekend at home, freaking out when watching everyone else go out and enjoy themselves. I've never been able to handle the fact that I'm missing out on everything. It could be the smallest thing, but inside it feels like I'm about to explode. I get so frustrated, angry and hateful knowing that other people are having fun or experiencing something great - and I'm not there with them. I fucking hate it when people are telling me how "awesome that concert was" or "how fun they had at that party" when I wasn't there. Ah, fuck... I need cash. Badly. I've been playing around with the idea of getting into the business again. As long as you don't get addicted and use up your merchandise yourself, it's a real good way to earn some cash. But then again, this city probably has its dealers already, and they usually don't like competition. I don't need someone to whip a pistol in my face again.

You know... it feels like I'm writing less and less here because of the path I've chosen now. The fact that I try real hard to not care about things, and not take everything so serious... it leaves me without many of those feelings I've let you know about in all the other posts. So don't take it personally if I don't write in you as often as I should, it only means that I'm trying to stay sane, and perhaps am succesful in doing so. Fingers crossed. So, I should probably watch a movie or something until daylight comes around... I need to speak to Sebastian about that party tonight, maybe I can make it there. Could get real interesting, with my ex and her friends there, and that girl I've been watching for a while now. The chance for drama is extremely high. Anyway, cheers people, and later.