Colours of rain

2.41 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

It feels like I have reached a point where everything just has stopped making sense. A moment of clarity, yet it is tainted by an inexplicable force that is driving me insane. I can not see the veils, for they are too close to my eyes. There is only darkness in front of me, but in the darkness there are also light. Small spots of light, drifting around in the void. Most of the spots consists of the people that help me keep breathing, but some are also made of my dreams and hopes, my interests and the things I enjoy. I've become far too reliant, far too depending on other things but my own self to keep myself alive. I cling to matters that have been long lost for me, I seek comfort in memories of sunny days when everything I needed was a smile and a kiss, and I was content. Now, these dark matters at hand drive me towards greed and a burning desire for more. I desire so many things, and when I get them, they almost instantly become obsolete in my hands, and I throw them away and start yearning for bigger, better things. This is my curse.

I do not have much to tell you about my everyday doings, since they aren't that important anyway. The only thing that matters nowadays is that my need to evolve and find new places, new things to enjoy is satisifed. And by the look of things, it isn't going very well. Most days I feel hopelessly out of place, like someone placed me in a play I do not want to take part in, but is forced to anyway because I need the money it pays to survive. All while dreaming away during the nights, dreaming of large stages with thousands of people screaming my name, riches and beautiful women. Power, the ability to become totally independent. To be able to influence the world, or even become powerful enough to rule it. You'll call me mad, even me myself does it every now and then, but my mind works in mysterious ways. Though it often decieves me and plots against me, on some rare occasions we find a balance, and then work in the same direction, against the same target. I know I'm smart, even smarter than most people around me. Maybe that's why I feel alienated from the rest of humanity. Like I know something they don't, and I know I really do. I've got what it takes, they don't. To seize something that's already been coming straight towards you shouldn't be considered as something awful. If only I could find the peace of mind I need to put my plans in motion.

Another issue that has been bothering me lately... I can't seem to find the same enthusiasm in sex that I used to have before. Just a couple of years ago, I could sleep with almost anything that had a pussy and tits, but then I found myself a girlfriend, fucked her 'til we both got tired of fucking each other, and then did the same thing twice and then... here we are. I've gotten into a lot of situations where I've consciously said no to sex with a girl, just because of this trouble I'm having. Everytime I try to get aroused and have sex with a girl, it is af is my body freezes. I can't find any attraction towards her, even if she's really sexy. And no, anyone who thinks I'm gay will get a punch in the teeth. I know that's not the case. More likely, it has gotten to the point where I've become so unsure of myself that I can't show myself in front of others. The mask has become such an obstruction that it prohibits me from doing what I once enjoyed so much. Just the few past weeks there have been lots of moments where I found out my head wants to fuck the chick I have laying next to me, but my body doesn't obey. Not even when I have been drinking it wants to co-operate. And it only gets worse. Sex keeps me alive, without it I lose even more of my passion for life, and those reserves are running dangerously low as it is. Enough complaining.

You know, this whole "don't worry, be happy" things has really worked out so far. Sure, there are times when I fall through the gaps and get depressed over things, but for the most part, I'm doing fine. Things aren't perfect, but then again, nothing will ever be perfect for me, ever. I'm looking forward to things more than before, and every day seems like a new adventure even though they usually consist of me waking up, sitting in front of the computer, and then go to bed 12 hours later again. At least I'm alive, I have plans and dreams and I look into the future and see something good just waiting to happen. Talking of things about to happen, tomorrow I'll meet this girl, whom I've mentioned before, Zandra. We've talked for a while over the Internet and she really gets to me. She's so damn attractive, and really brings out that childish "I want it now!-feeling" in me. But as always, I doubt myself on such matters. She seems to be ready to start a new relationship, and by the looks of it, she's already found a worthy candidate. But I cannot help feeling that we should fit perfectly together. We have so much in common, and she seems to understand me in a way not many others do. I'm nervous as hell, I always get like this when I'm about to meet with someone for the first time. Always striving to make a great first impression. Things really doesn't get better with her being so pretty and all... but we'll see. Maybe Mr.Pathetic gets a new rival tomorrow. And I know who would win that fight.

I was meaning to get a few hours of sleep before 7 AM when I should start doing the laundry, but that seems unnecessary at the moment, since it would only help making me even more tired when I wake up. Maybe I'll just lay down and close my eyes and see what happens. Later y'all.