Antiquated

3.08 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Tonight, I need your love.

I need it more than ever before. It is in this very moment, the moment where all this pain, anguish, jealousy and fucked up distortions of my mind sends me crashing to the ground like a fighter pilot hit by enemy fire above no-mans land going down in flames.

Tonight, I need you close.

I need you closer than anyone has been ever before. I need to feel every inch of your skin touching mine, every beat of your heart resonate through my aching limbs. I need to sense your pulse next to mine, and become one with it. I need you to unravel the secrets of my heart, break the chains that have imprisoned me inside this mind and body.

Tonight, I need your sympathy.

I need you to understand why I'm desperatly trying to dig deeper into my past to find answers that never were there from the beginning. I need you to understand why my heart misses a beat every now and then, I want you to see the scars hidden underneath my skin. I need you to sense the fear I live with every second of my life, the fear that lies so deep inside my mind I can't reach it, can't pull it out, can't erase what's constantly tearing me apart.

Tonight, I need your patience.

I need you to wait for me. I need you to tell me it's worth it, that this dusty road is taking me closer to the place where I find peace. I need you to kiss me and tell me everything will be alright, that life is beautiful and show me everything in life that I have been blind to before. I need you to breathe life into me, but most of all, I need you to patiently wait while I fight this battle with my past.

Tonight, I need you to complete me.

I need your laughter to fight away my tears. I need your breath to force my lungs to cooperate. I need your hands to guide mine, your legs to walk me towards my target, even if there is no target to be found. I need your clear thoughts to compete with my disillusioned view of the world, I need you to tell me I am wrong. I want you to lead me, step by step, hand in hand, to a better tomorrow.

Tonight, I need your love.

I need it more than ever before. When I'm scared, lonely and hopelessly lost inside the wanderings of my mind. When memories of the past, once happy and bright, now plague me as dark and twisted nightmares, always with me, asleep or awake. When I'm stubborn as a child and won't admit that I'm letting things go too far. When I'm letting the sickness guide my hands, and my eyes. When I'm alone, and desperately crying out for help, for someone to take me in their arms and give me comfort and safety, if only for a brief moment. When everything I do is focused on one thing, and everything else gets left behind. When all I do is obsess, obsess, obsess over something that hasn't been mine for a long time, when all I really should do is obsess, obsess, obsess over you. When I get caught off guard, daydreaming of a better place in a perfect world, where all my sins are washed away and I can start all over again, when I really should be living the dream that is you instead. When I fail to call you back, when I'm not in the mood for sex, when I can't convince myself to get dressed and go to that party because all I want to do is crawl into a dark corner and stay there until my mind has stopped spinning. When I'm out in public and all of a sudden get tense and stop making conversation, when I'm not there for you. When all of this is through - if it ever will be - I will still need all of this, but tonight, most beloved, tonight, I need your love.