Vargtimme

03.01 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;


Waylon Jennings – Burning Memories

My heart to you no longer matters
And I can't live alone with memories
Into the fire those dreams that you've shattered
And when the smoke is gone then I'll be free

Dear diary,

Yeah, feels more sincere calling you that. Except the fact that everyone can read my own personal diary, you're pretty much the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane. Waylon couldn't have said it any better, I need to burn my memories of her, even if it means that I have to throw myself into the fire. I guess I wouldn't get a fancy funeral, but people always seem to be better when they're already dead and buried, people only tend to remember the good things. I guess there isn't much of that to remember though. Anyway, been spending some time on the farm the last couple of days, that's why I haven't posted anything here. Just been keeping busy with the usual work, reparing the buildings, doing some driving for the neighbors. Not that exciting, but physical work keeps your mind occupied for a while. It's when I go to bed all hell breaks loose.

I still get severe panic attacks thinking about the fact that I have no means of seeing what she is doing. She has blocked me pretty much everywhere, little cunt that she is, so I won't even find out if she already found a new guy. I guess I'll find out eventually, but then it's gonna be too late for any action from my part. The meds aren't working, they're only making me dizzy, and I fear I'm gonna overdose again. I'm amazed I'm still breathing, even though I really don't want to. But someday it's gonna be night-night, one pill too many, one drink too many. Not that I do it on purpose, I just seem to gravitate against a fate that I've welcomed long ago. Who knows, I might even make it into the 27 club. Maybe then she'd remember me. Maybe then she'd care.

You're only foolin' yourself again, pal. Your long forgotten, not a single thought in her mind is spent on you. Didn't you hear me? She got over you so quick, you were so easy to forget. Nothing you has was special, every single day of those three years was forgotten about in a matter of days. All the time you spent together, all thos nights, all the crazy sex, all of it sums up to nothing. She wants nothing to do with you, because you're a fucking disaster. Everywhere you go you bring a darkness with you that suffocate people around you, a cloud of poisonous, invisible gas.

We both know where that cloud comes from, but you're right. Again.

Damn right I am. And don't fool yourself into thinking everything's gonna be better when you move. You're gonna call, she's gonna answer and tell you she's happy with someone else, you're gonna panic and here we go with the fucking pills again. Maybe even get a few rigs and do it the old fashioned way? That would be a great way to go, and you wouldn't feel a thing. But you're too much of a coward for that, ain't ya? 

I'll let you think that for now. I'll show you.
Well, gotta try and get some sleep, meds already taking effect. I can already hear the cracked voices calling for me, waiting to torment me in my dreams. Tomorrow I'm gonna see W.A.S.P on their stop here in town, it's gonna be great meeting some people. I'll try to dress properly, getting noticed is always nice. And I won't have to sleep alone tomorrow, maybe she'll make some of the monsters keep their distance. I can't take this much longer.