Solitude

11.55 PM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

 Hardcore Superstar – Standin' On The Verge

Yeah, I need someone
Need another soul
Restless, hopeful and a heart of gold

 Dear diary,

Been a busy weekend, so I haven't had any time to write in you. My drummer and my guitarist have been here all weekend, in their company I can't be the same person I am when I'm talking to you. No one would want to spend their time with someone like that, so instead I try to laugh it all away. But I really enjoy being with those guys, we feel solidified as a band already, each of us just weird enough to make it all work out. Went to a Halloween party last night, had a great time even though I had to sleep alone again, had kinda hoped for a special girl to join me. Well, whatever, I'm moving soon so that was her last chance. Let's move on, shall we?

I've spent the evening packing since I'm moving out on Saturday, so everything has to be put in boxes. I have a weird feeling inside. Every time I have moved it has been for the sole reason of survival, for the sake of moving on and not getting stuck in the same place - a thing that I'm still terrified of. To get stuck, to not be able to get out. To paint yourself into a corner. I always need an exit, or more than one if possible. My exit right now is to move back to the same place that has caused me so much pain in the past, but somehow I don't feel the same way about it anymore. It feels like a relief to get out of this place, and it's not associated with too much heavy feelings or anguish. Feels like a new beginning, but we'll see. Might just be another trap.

 Had a coffee with Cecilia last Friday, was a bit nervous about it since it was the first time I met her while being completely sober. I know, I know, it's pathetic to have known a person for about a year without having met her sober... but it was really nice. We've had our arguments and differences, but now it seems like we can finally accept that we are so different, and instead focus on being friends. I need more friends, for sure. The solitude I often long for is only enjoyable if I choose it myself, not when it's forced on me when I need it the least. But I'm hoping that's gonna change in the near future as well, I know at least one person in Borås who doesn't mind keeping me company through the nights. 

Well, I should get back to packing... or trying to sleep, or whatever... Still can't get my thoughts of Z out of my mind. But the demons have been kinda quiet, I guess I'm on my way to a new manic period... Let's just hope it lasts. Later.  

P.S 

Forgot to mention that we got the apartment we applied for. Fuck yeah.