My curse

08.00 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Had another one of those sleepless nights that have become far too common the last few months. Even though I feel more alive and creative during the night, it's also the time when I'm most prone to freak out. Somehow it seems that the voices and creatures inside my head enjoy the dark as much as I do. Yeah, you're right, the panic attacks have returned, in full force this time. I've lost myself again, and I'm falling, falling, falling down this downward spiral into the abyss beyond.

I've lost grip of everything that held me alive and on course, the sights have no view of the target anymore. I hate to self-diagnose, but this time around, it's the absency of the comfort of having someone close, someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. Once again I am stretching out my hands, hoping for someone to grab them and pull me out from this dark cloud that once again surrounds me, choking me, blinding me and ripping me apart from inside. As desperate as I am, I take every little chance, every offer - which kinda makes me a lil' slut, but for the sake of company through the night, I am willing to go that far.

Confusion has struck me hard this time, and I can't seem to find my way into anything constructive. Music, art, poetry - whatever quest I embark upon, I can't seem to sort things out and force my mind into thinking straight. Everything is so polluted by this fucked up anguish, like a weight attached to my heart. And no matter how loud my screams are, no one seems to hear them. Perhaps nobody wants to touch a broken soul, too afraid to get infected with the same dark sickness. Maybe I'll just hang a sign around my neck that says "broken - fix me, get rewarded" and see if that attracts some nice girls. Either way - if I don't get help soon, I'll collapse under this heavy burden, and I fear that this time, I won't be crawling out from underneath all the rubble. But maybe that is for the best, since I'm not contributing much to this world in any way. I'm just barely breathing, taking up space, a waste of breath and a waste of life. How ironic. Boo-hoo-hoo.

Gonna try and get some sleep, and fight the nightmares...

"Night."

I'd like to see you in the morning light
I like to feel you when it comes to night
Now I'm here and I'm all alone
Still I know how it feels, I'm alone again

Tried so hard to make you see
But I couldn't find the words
Now the tears, they fall like rain
I'm alone again without you
Alone again without you
Alone again without you

I said stay, but you turned away
Tried to say that it was me
Now I'm here and I've lost my way
Still I know how it feels, I'm alone again

Tried so hard to make you see
But I couldn't find the words
Now the tears, they fall like rain
I'm alone again without you

Dokken - Alone Again