Triage at dawn

7.54 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• A whole lot of Lars Winnerbäck

Dear diary,

I love the early, cold autumn mornings. Everything is still and quiet, and the grass is shrouded in a thin layer of frost. I've been up since 4 AM, Jessica came here yesterday and she slept here, but she's still in bed. We've been doing that for a while now, just sleeping together, no sex or anything like that, just keeping each other company. I feel safe around her, which is rare nowadays. So right now I'm doing some laundry, and after that we'll get some breakfast and then I'll start packing so I can go to Jönköping and stay at Alexandra's place for a while, a week or so. She said she needed company, and I felt like getting out of Borås for a while could be a good idea. Besides, there's a lot of stuff going on with the band now so it's better if I'm there so I'll be closer to everyone. Also, next Friday there's a festival in Jönköping called "Nordisk Gårdsbandsfestival", some friends bands will be playing and I think we'll bring the band and party together with them, looking forward to it.

I don't even remember what I wrote in my last post, and I'm too lazy to look it up. But things haven't really changed that much. I'm still trying to deny everything I'm feeling, and some days I'm doing just fine, some days it's worse. I guess I'm getting by after all. Had a coffee with Louis yesterday before my meeting at the job centre, it felt nice too see her again, she seems to be doing alright. I'm glad we can still keep our friendship. Also met Tina yesterday, she came here and helped plait some dreads into my hair so I could see what it looked like before I decide whether to get it for real. It looked really weird, and I'm not sure it's really "me", but we'll see. It'll take a bit of courage to do something drastic about my appearance. I'm feeling bad about the way I look already, so if it would look bad I'd probably freak out and feel even worse about myself. I think I looked great before, last year, with the white hair and different styles I had. Much of that was because of the great work done by Marlene and Tina, and then all of a sudden I dyed it black again, and I instantly felt like I lost everything that made me look good. Now, with all this waiting of my hair getting longer, I feel ugly as hell. People tell me different, but I just can't believe them. I have a mirror, and I'm not blind... but hopefully, it'll get better when the hair has gotten longer. So there you have it - one of my biggest fears, and what makes me so unsure of myself.

I should get up and make some coffee, maybe wake Jessica up and go get some breakfast for us, and also try to decide whether I'll be going to Jönköping today or not. Later y'all.