Blood on me

1.32 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

I'm keeping quiet til there's no more sirens
Lately it's hard to keep the hinges on with all the noise
I'll find my words when there's no one talking
The room is spinning, I have got no choice
Be patient, I am getting to the point

I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then
I'm only spinning

Dirty women

5.47 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Dear diary,

Yet another nearly-nude pic. I kinda like it like that. It gets me in the right mood, plus, my fascination for the female body is neverending. Such beatiful pieces of art, the bodies that some women carry around... A lot of my female friends have killer bodies, and all I can think of is how great they'll look without all the clothes they're wearing. I think I'll have to get rid of that habit, it's makes normal conversation so much harder...

Anyway, today's been full of... nothing, really. Woke up late, did nothing but sit on my ass in front of the screen all day. I really can't stand being here... I mean, it's great spending time with my family and all, but I feel like I just don't belong here. Feelin' a bit like E.T. Or Sting. Played some WoW, and all of a sudden it was 4 AM in the morning, and here I am. Alone.

And that's probably the worst, I'm so alone here. Noone in their right minds would take their time to get out here, and besides, there's no buses or trains that go here anyway. So that leaves it to just people with drivers licenses or someone who'll drive them here, and I don't exactly know a lot of 'em. It's strange how that works for me, at some times I could do anything to be alone, but now, all I want is to have someone to lay my arms around when I go to sleep. It has improved a lot lately, the whole "in-need-of-safety" thing. I guess it's because I've chosen this lifestyle that is so uncertain and wild that you really can't get used to being safe and sound. This is like some kind of intermission, I'm just waiting around for the next stop on this journey, and hopefully, that'll come real fuckin' soon. 'Cause I've never been fond of waiting around for things to happen. Well, time for some well-deserved (not!) sleep. Tomorrow (today) I'll try and get some things done around here, if I wake up in time... Later!


I'd fight hell to hold you.

Get your gunn

10.22 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Pseudo-morals work real well
On the talk shows for the weak
But your selective judgements
And goodguy badges
Don't mean a fuck to me
I throw a little fit
I slit my teenage wrist
The most that I can learn
Is in records that you burn
Get your gunn, get your gunn

Dear diary,

Shit, about bloody time, 'innit? Figured I had to come back here at some point right, and even though my eyes are burning and my head is heavy, I'll take some time to spill my shit on these virtual blank pages.

I'm at home, home in Småland that is. Moved away from Borås this weekend, all that's left now is an empty apartment, and some memories that'll forever live with me. It was an era, like many before it, but this particular one has proved to be easier to let go and leave be. I'm making progress, and really fast too. A bit unused to this speed, but after a while everything'll find it's place and everything will go down just fine. So this week I'll hopefully get a letter from my school that says I got in, as soon as it gets here me and Tommy are off to Vätterhem again, and if everything works out we'll be leaving with a key in our hands. It feels great, and I'm really looking forward to living there, I mean, most of my friends live there, we rehearse there and so on...

About that... I finally figured out a name for our band, but due to "secret circumstances" I can't really tell what it is yet. But it's gonna rock when we bring this out into the eyes and ears of the public, of that I'm sure. Oh, yeah, by the way - we're still looking for a lead guitarist, know anyone? If so, please tell.

I don't really know what the fuck is going on inside my head at the moment. It's a violent storm of emotions, thoughts and feelings swirling around in there, scratching at the walls, screaming and howling so loud it makes my head hurt 24/7. But hey, I'd rather have it this way than be dead inside, a little bit of chaos just makes everything more intense. And for some strange reason, things have started to work out with pretty much everything lately. A friend of mine once told me, "Sid, you get everything you want, how do you do it?", referring to my relationships, where I'd always get the girl I wanted, even if I really didn't believe I could get her in the first place. I mean, I don't mind being the focus of attention, but please, ladies - one at a time.

Uh, I should probably try and get some sleep... feels like this could've been a more focused post, but I'm kinda' not into the mood for that. Later, perhaps.



I'm better than you, punk.

Rock is dead

07.12 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Woke up far too early today, but actually managed to get out of bed just 15 minutes after the alarm rang. Yay me. Will be off to Jönköping in about an hour, me and Tommy have an appointment at Vätterhem with an administrator concerning an apartment we've been looking at. Hopefully, we'll be able to move in this week, or at the end of this month, which'll be a major relief. All this traveling back and forth between Borås and Jönköping is starting to get really boring. Had a great weekend, by the way, I had a party at my place, lot of people, lot of booze. A bit of drama, but everything turned out just fine in the end.

The stress has begun tearing away at me again... and the reason is we got a gig booked the 28th of May, a mini-festival in Torsåker, Sweden. So far, we've never rehearsed with a complete band setting, and time is of the essence since we have to come up with at least 4-5 songs until then, and maybe manage to record our first demo. But I have faith in this, there's a feeling inside of me that says that this might just work out. We might just have what it takes. And I ain't gonna let a single thing in the world get between me and my dreams.

Oh well, gotta get something to eat now... later.

Overkill

10.08 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Duuuuuude. This isn't working out. You'll just have to get used to my absence. Things are about to get busy round here pretty fuckin' soon.

Hanging by a moment

5.14 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Oh dear. It seems like I'm suffering from terrible separation anxiety. I'm going through all my stuff, packing everything into boxes once again. My life, my possesions, memories - everything neatly put into a box and stacked. I'm having a hard time keeping myself happy while looking at that pile of boxes... what can it be... two cubic metres? Three? Such a tiny space, still it contains my whole life. My reality. Makes you realize how small and worthless your existence really is, just a tiny piece of dust in this universe. And yet we think of ourselves as superior, the human race. Talk about hypocrisy...

Anyway, I'm slowly starting to feel like this separation will be harder than I thought. When I first made the decision, it all went so fast. I got the call that Tommy had left us, hung up, sat down for a couple of minutes, then announced to Johan and my parents that I was moving back. Afterwards, I felt relieved. As if me moving here was totally unplanned, and that now I could turn things back on the right course again. But I'm not so sure anymore... The first reason I wanted to move here was to get closer to my friends. But when I finally got here, nearly all of them were no longer considered friends. So all I had left was my memories of the times I spent here with my ex-girlfriends... and that made me realize that once again... I was chasing after shadows of the past, desperately trying to make them become reality again. And that ain't going to happen, never again...

I've spent nearly a year here, 9 months at least, all while doing nothing to improve my situation. And now I'm leaving again. I'm going to miss this place, so bad. It feels as if my leaving is the end of an era, the final sign that I'm now giving up my 6-year long pursuit of the past. Yeah, that's right - for the past 6 years everything in my life has been about the past, I've tried so hard to make my memories into reality, a desperate try that has made me do terrible things to many people, some who have deserved it, and some who have not. As I sit here today, in front of this screen, I can honestly say that I regret everything, from the first moment it started. But then again, it was inevitable. My treacherous mind led me down this road, and took me to the very end more than once, only to cut the noose and throw me back out on the road again. Six fucking years of chasing, hating, bleeding, suffering... all for nothing. The people I have sought to bring back into my life have only gotten further out of my reach, some of them hate me and never want to see or hear from me again. I have successfully eliminated all my possibilites to share my memories with them ever again, or to have a friendly relationship with them. I've burned my bridges, and I've been standing on the other side, crying out for someone to rebuild them and let me walk back to where I came from, the only place where I felt safe. Six fucking years, gone, wasted on chasing ghosts, trapped in the prison of my own mind. Maybe it isn't over - I know it ain't over - cause' I'll never, ever, stop thinking about the past, and how much I miss it. If only I could go back in time, and do everything from the beginning. I would give anything to make things right.

I'm gonna continue going through my things, I guess... but this feeling is only getting stronger. Looks like I'm back at square one. Again.

Parallel dimensions

6.30 AM, Borås, Sweden



"And never moving forwards, so there'll never be a past."



Dear diary,

There's no telling where to go from here. Living each day as a lie, or ignoring the truth we all see clearly. Conforming into a pattern, and leaving no trace behind whatsoever. I just don't know how to handle things.

But hey, I'm doing alright. For now. Darkness, my old friend, has kept quiet for the last week, not a single word, not a whisper. Zip. Zero. Nothing. Maybe it's the calmness before the storm? I feel like fuckin' Gollum, sitting on that stone, speaking to the good and evil part of him.

"Leave now, and NEVER come back!"

Would have been cool if that had worked out for me, after all, I've tried to shake this far too many times. Anyway... what's up? What's happening? Not much, I guess. February 22nd today, a few weeks left until I leave this town, and move back to Småland. It struck me just this morning, as I stood and watched out the window, seeing the glow from all the lights in town leaving traces over the morning sky, the stillness outside... I'm gonna miss this town. Just not the people in it, but the town as well. Others might have trouble understanding my fascination for urban environments, but I find them nearly as beautiful as the wilderness, if not more beautiful. There's a certain feeling in the air, an aura that a city is emitting, that makes it so colorful, so interesting. When you're walking through a large city a warm summer night, alone or with a friend, go to a park or a similar location, and just sit down for a while and listen. The sounds of the city are so colorful and diverse; cars, the sound of laughter, screaming, talking, ventilation systems, the sound of the wind - everything mixes together into one big buzz, and you can almost touch the sound if you reach out your hand. I never grow tired of wandering through a city, with or without company. More often, the latter... since I have trouble finding people who understand this or enjoy it as I do.

You know... it's funny... when you have a dream where you cut your hair, everyone says that it means that you will go through major changes very soon, and that it is positive. I cut my hair last week, a completely new haircut, and ever since I haven't had problems with my mood. It has been almost constant, without any ups or downs. Maybe what they say is true. But to be honest, I think it is because I feel better about myself. I feel more attractive, and my apperance is my first shield against the world around me. If my armor is cracking, it can hurt me, and now I feel like the cracks are getting fewer and fewer. I've had major mental breakdowns because of all the anxiety I have concerning my own ability to uphold my self esteem. I can honestly say that everything is depending on how I feel, if I feel strong, sexy, attractive. I've spent countless nights lying awake, trying to tell myself " I can make it, I look good, I'm a good singer, I know how to be a performer." but never really having any success in making it into reality. But now, I feel like I've taken a big step towards making that true. My dream. I mean, who's gonna listen to a band where the singer is a stuttering, nervous little bitch, trying to look cool but failing miserably? I wouldn't. So much about this style is depending on image, looks that kill, the fact that people are attracted to a certain stereotype - the classic rockstar. Rude, mean, self-centered assholes with a bad temper, but still with an amazing ability to get laid and look good while doing it. I've never really believed I can meet the demands of that stereotype, and maybe I never will, but I'm sure as hell gonna give it a shot.

What if this is a turning point? The one thing I have been waiting for forever, but never reached even once. When everything has been chaos inside my mind, when the walls are falling down around me, the one thing I wished for was to feel that once in a while, it goes the other way too. Hit the brakes, do a 360, and then it's full speed again. In the right direction, this time. I have a whole lot of catching up to do, I'm 5 years late to this party, but I'll do my best to enjoy it anyway. After all, things are looking brighter in the near future. In just a few days, all my debts will be paid by my father when he recieves the final payment for the auction of our farm... and it is a huge weight that will be taken off my shoulders. Second, moving back to Jönköping doesn't feel like moving backwards in time, instead, it feels like a new beginning. Getting closer (as close as it gets without living with each other) to the band, and being able to focus more intensively on the creative process that ultimately will propel us into superstardom. Or better.

This post is getting a bit unfocused and messy, but it shows clearly what state my mind is in. I feel like I'm floating in space, a small planet drifting aimlessly through the vast reaches of the universe, colliding with meteors all the time, but drifting onwards anyway, scarred, but an experience richer.

This might work out this time around.

The worst in me

6.34 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Time flies by. Every second that goes by is a countdown. T- your life, and still counting. You wish you could make every damn one of 'em worth it. Worth being alive. But you just can't, you can't make yourself feel alive any longer. Everything you do, from the smallest thing, makes you tired. Even getting out of bed in the morning is a hard task, and takes every inch of determination you can muster. It's safe to say that this - in the purest form of the word - is hell.

I feel like I am repeating myself. Like an old record skipping on a beat, over and over again.

I can't live like this. I need to get out of this.

Do I get out of it? No, fuck no, everything I do only takes me further down this spiraling hellhole that is my life. Everything's just dead inside, my creativity has since long fled the field, and took every little bit of vitality with it. I'm breathing, but I'm not alive. Time flies by.

6.52 PM

I can't handle people anymore. It has been getting far worse than any time before, and the bare thought of approaching someone, talking to someone I don't know throws me into an anxiety attack. Even speaking to people over the internet puts me on needles. And I don't know why, why the hell am I so afraid of contact? Why can't I handle being social and extrovert like everyone else? Imagine what a major fuckup it would be... I can see myself standing there on stage, freaking out because everyone is looking at me, and running away from there. Fleeing, like the useless coward I am. Useless. Fuckup.

7.53 PM

Well, what do you know. Anger turns to hate, hate turns to helplessness, and now I'm back to normal again. Still pissed off, at myself mostly, but looking forward to things again. So...what was it... like... 1 hour? Yeah, 1 hour. That's all it took for me to go straight from deep depression to feeling alright again. Fuck you, manic depressive disorder.

I'll shoot the moon

8.14 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

This is getting far too usual, this delay between updates, so I'm not even going to explain why. I often find myself sitting here, clicking that "new post" button, and then just sitting there staring at the blank page, trying to find a reason why I should trouble myself with coming up with anything to write down. It's not like I'm an interesting person nowadays. I mean... I have a lot of stuff I could write about, stuff that interests me... but rarely no one I know has the same interest in those things. This is supposed to be a diary anyway, and it would be kinda' weird to publish anything else than diary entries.

Anyway, what's been up? Keeping myself busy? Not really. I was supposed to start studying a couple of weeks ago, and actually looked forward to it a tiny bit. But as soon as I got there, and sat down in that room together with all the other people, a feeling of insecurity and anguish rushed over me and I nearly freaked out and ran out of there. I've never felt more misplaced anywhere in my whole life - I mean, the people there... school dropouts, immigrants who could barely speak Swedish, single moms who've realized they can get more cash from studying than they get from child support and other lowlifes. I know I'm so much better than all these fuckers, so I went straight down to their office and quit school again. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle working together with all that scum, and besides, the only reason I go to school is so I can get money to survive. I'm smarter than most people already, and even though I don't mind studying, I prefer to do it in another environment than that.

And also... we've lost yet another drummer. Tommy moved back to his hometown, leaving us empty-handed. Though we've been getting slightly used to standing without a complete lineup for the band, this came as an unexpected blow to my dreams. Once again, doubt has arisen within the band, and I fear we'll never get this thing going if something isn't done about it. So that's why I'm movin' back to Jönköping. To get closer to the band, to rehearsals, to my friends, and hopefully that'll do the trick. It was a hard decision, expecially considering how much I like this town and the people in it, but in the end, my dream had to be taken into perspective. And I'd do anything to reach the top, and I believe this is only one of the sacrifices that has to be made to reach that place. Today I'll be going down to my landlords office to sign the papers, and 3 months from now, I'm hopefully ready to settle in down there. It's not like there's a great distance between the two towns anyway, just a one hour ride by car or bus and you're there, but the difference lies in the attitude of the people. Everyone in Jönköping seems to be so damn uptight and introvert, totally lacking the ability to let loose or take things less seriously. But maybe that's just to our advantage, since it's going to be easier for a band like us to stand out in the crowd. Either way, I'm outta here in 3 months.

Doing some laundry right now, and feeling a bit tired from being up all night. I've been feeling dizzy for the last two days now, like someone has hit me in the head or something, and also, my vision is weird, as if my eyes have suddenly moved and inch into my skull. Don't know why, but I hope it goes away soon. Uh... yeah, that's about it for now... I guess. Some coffee would be nice... I'll go make myself a cup.

Later.

Happiness is

9.30 PM, Borås, Sweden

There are things I've done I can't erase
I want to look in the mirror, see another face
I said never would I do it again
I want to walk away, start over again

No more rain
No more roses
On my way, shake my thirst in a cool, cool pond

There is a winner in every place
There is a heart that's beating in every page
The beginning of it starts at the end
When it's time to walk away and start over again


I haven't felt this love for music in a long time. I've been listening to Tom Waits from time to time before, but never really listened to it, while reading the lyrics at the same time. And that was when it struck me, the full aspects of the love of music, the thing that I live and breathe. I'm having great trouble putting it into words, even at this moment of clarity and inspiration. I suppose I'm hitting another high tonight, and I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts. Soon it may be over for this time, and I'm falling down into that dark place again.

I have to break this habit, I have to set myself free from the chains that bind me. My life will never be worth living as long as I'm imprisoned by this mental illness, this motherfucker that has taken place inside my head. I met Zandra today, first time since we broke up. It felt nice, after all I feel like I can be myself around her. I guess this is harder to her than me, but that was the way it had to be. Maybe we can have a friendly relationship instead.

I intended to write a bit longer today, but I kinda' ran out of things to write. For now, at least. Guess I'll be going back to listening to the sweet tunes of Tom Waits and let the night unfold as it should. Later.

Is another mistake

8.44 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Been awake for little over an hour right now, and as far as that goes, it's quite unusual. My diurnal rhythm has been fucked up so many times now that I'm amazed I still can get out of bed, at whatever time I may wake. Didn't sleep too well tonight, a lot of nightmares lately. But I guess that's something I've been getting used to. First things first - I'm single.

Hah, fucker. I knew it. Couldn't figure that out, could ya?

Shut up. I gave it an honest try, didn't I? Damn right. I guess it all came to the point where I was no longer able to see a difference anymore. What started out so sweet, all turned so wrong in the end. And I'm only blaming myself, 'cause in the end it's my fucked up head that started all this. It seems that once again, I've fallen deeper into depression. Deeper than I can handle. I began too see some warning signs about a month ago, when I couldn't bring myself to care about things I cared about earlier. Things that made me happy before wouldn't bring any joy any longer. Everything became an unfocused blur of events that I just couldn't bring myself to enjoy. Then came the disgust for other people. I became more and more aware of my hatred of other humans, seeing clearly why the human race more than ever deserves to be wiped from the planet. I didn't want to be touched, didn't want anyone close, it made my skin crawl. And that isn't exactly optimal conditions for a relationship is it? I even lost my appetite for sex - and to me that is losing my appetite for life itself. Nothing seemed to matter, and I couldn't look forward to anything. So it had to be that way, 'cause I would only end up hurting her more if I let our relationship continue without me being able to feel the same as she did.

And things still haven't changed. I mean, it can change from day to day, hour to hour, second to second. The joys of a manic-depressive disorder. I can literally go from a state of total happiness down to total panic and anguish in less than a minute, and I can't live my life like that. I can't keep any feeling alive for a longer time, and it makes me feel crippled. I can't focus on anything for more than five minutes, which makes pretty much everything that involves creative thinking impossible. I fucking hate myself for not being able to spend time writing new material for the band - especially since it looks like it's gonna work out this time around. I have to get out of this mess before it's too late... but maybe it already is. I can't even start to think about all the time I've wasted in this prison of my mind, time that could be spent living my life to the fullest instead.

I've some thoughts about trying to get some medication once again. Last time I tried, it backfired heavily, and resulted in some failed suicide attempts, but maybe it'll all be different this time around. The only thing that's stopping me is having to go through all the bullshit it takes to actually get the medication. You have to go to the hospital, talk to a whole bunch of doctors, explain how you're feeling, why you're feeling that way, and how you want to feel. And I can't even explain to myself what's going on inside of me, so that would be nearly impossible. I believe I could get some results from trying lithium. It seems to be an effective treatment for the manic-depressive disorder, which is the most severe of my disorders. The others are just products of it.
We'll see what happens, if I know myself, I'll try once again to kick this shit by myself, which so far hasn't worked out a single time, only sending me deeper into it. But at least I have a little bit of faith left - thanks to the people around me. The people that matter. In their company, I don't need to pretend that everything's alright. So thanks, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being there, even when I'm being a miserable bastard. You know who you are.

Time for some breakfast. Later.

All it takes

Here we go, further into apathy, one step at a time. I believe I have lost this battle, all that is left now is to wait for my existence to fade. And soon you won't see me at all...

Hello darkness...

...my old friend. Ah, what the fuck, all I wrote about in my other blog was the same shit that I was writing here. No point in keeping it alive. Back from the dead, or back TO the dead, perhaps.

Rock and roll

http://rocknrolloutlaw.blogg.se

That's where you'll find me from now on.

Closing act

9.26 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

About damn time you guys get an update, they're far too rare nowadays. I'm honestly thinking of putting this blog to rest and get a new one that I will write in Swedish on, since there are certain people who misinterpret things I write and get mad about them for no reason at all. Anyway, about that update.

The following entry does no longer bear any significance. That cunt betrayed me in the worst possible way, therefore she doesn't deserve to be mentioned here. A sheep in wolves clothing, a coward among cowards, her memory will be erased and never again spoken of. You're dead to me.

I've found a girl. A special girl, who I believe could really be "the one". You know, the one true love they talk about in all those movies and books about love, the one you never thought you'd find... and then one day, she just appears right in front of you, from nowhere. Shining more brightly than anything you've ever laid eyes on before, making your heart beat so fast you can swear it'll burst at any moment. It's strange how that works, love... you spend your life chasing after it, desperately wanting to feel it, but it never really gets true until you stop chasing it and let it come to you instead. Like she came to me. A few years ago, none of this would have made sense. That I would be sitting here tonight, with a heart so full of love for this woman and my mind spinning around, getting high on the feeling she gives me just by smiling or laughing. Love at first sight - isn't that something that the books and movies have copyrighted? Does it exist in real life as well? I used to think so, before I got my heart broken so many times that I didn't believe anyone could make it whole again. Until now.

The first time I laid eyes on her it was on her blog. Back then, just a few months ago, she was still together with her ex, Love, probably most known as "Terry Blade" from the sleaze band Redlight Attraction. I knew who he was, and at first I thought she seemed far too vain and bragged about her "famous rock n' roll singer-boyfriend", which afterwards mostly seemed to be because of my jealosy of everyone who's more successful than me. But then something changed, I couldn't resist checking her profile, reading through her blog, only getting more and more intrigued by her appearance and sheer attractiveness. Then, out of nowhere, she became single again. He left her. I mentioned this in an earlier post, referring to it as and "I want-feeling", but back then I could never imagine we would be so close today. It's almost as if it was meant to be. I often think about this, the way we make our decisions and how they guide us through life in an advanced chain reaction. What if I hadn't made that decision three years ago? Where would I be today? Even the smallest thing can be made into something really important, merely by stepping outside my door I'm making a decision that will perhaps change my life, and others as well. We're all on the same map, just tiny little markers moving around in different directions, trying to find our way through to the other side, or just trying to find our way home. Like me. And then you bump into someone, and leave a dent, a mark, a memory that he or she will carry with him for the rest of his/her life. Something that didn't mean anything in the beginning can suddenly get essential for your whole existence. My mind just spins faster and faster with such thoughts running through, but its calming in a way, to be able to grasp the very foundations of our human mind.

I'm getting off track... a far too common thing nowadays. I was meaning to tell you all how this came to be, that I now no longer walk alone. With her by my side, I feel safe again. Things aren't perfect, they never get perfect, but this is something new to me. For the first time since my mind started to refuse co-operating all those years ago, I feel relaxed and safe with her. We've only known each other for two weeks, been together for two days, but it could as well be 2 years. I can connect to her on so many levels, even if there's always gonna be a little shyness in the beginning. I can't explain how thrilled I am, just walking into this big adventure, not knowing where I'll end up or how things will evolve from now. Maybe it was time for leaving everything bad behind me, and starting over again, never looking back. I think my past will always haunt me, for as long as I live, but I'm never going to stop running. The speed blur makes everything so beautiful, and when I'm free from conscience I feel alive, ready to take on any obstacle I meet. Maybe things will turn out just fine, maybe they won't - I really don't care anymore. I'm going to stop worrying, stop trying to dig deeper into my past to find answers who never were there from the beginning, all while never looking further forward than my eyes can see. Taking chances, live my life day by day and not worrying about tomorrow - and that just might work.

Things aren't working out as they should, we're still a guitar player short of being a full band, we still have a demo to record, I still suffer from terrible stage fright, I doubt my own capabilities when it comes to fronting a band and to have the voice to back it up, I still dream nightmares about the past, I still get mental breakdowns, I'm still paranoid as hell, and I still can't seem to move forward as fast as I would like, or as fast as I know I could. But what the hell, complaining about it doesn't make it any better, does it? Damn right it doesn't. I could name a thousand other things that's bothering me, but for what purpose? Is everyone reading this going to make a change? Hell no. So I'll try to stop doing that, since it only backfires all the time anyway. And maybe that's where you and me take separate ways. You' been with me through a lot, diary, and I admire your ability to listen without interrupting... for the most part, at least. You've been my only escape at some times, spilling my anguish on these virtual pages like blood on a battlefield. When I'm trying to let go of the past, it means I have to let go of you as well. But I leave you with a smile, and I'm saving every post I've ever written here as a memory of the times gone by, to bring out someday in the future, wherever I am, to remember, to cry, to laugh, but most importantly - to know where I came from, what made me into the person I am today, the person I am tomorrow and the person I will continue to be as long as I walk this earth...

... which I no longer walk alone upon. She is so amazingly beautiful I get tears in my eyes just by looking at her. Never before have things felt so right, and I can't wait to see where fate takes us next. She made me realize there are still things left in life to savor, new places to see, new experiences, new things to learn. I might get older and older, but I'm still young at heart, with a burning desire to explore everything around me. Just like a baby, I sometimes hurt myself playing with fire, but nevertheless I get a rush whenever I get close to the flame next time. It feels as if I'm in the beginning of something beautiful, something that will change my life forever. I'm so glad I found you, Zandra. I'm so glad I get to kiss you, hold you, love you in all the ways I can. This is the beginning, this is us together into the unknown, tightly holding hands as we walk down this road. And I've never been happier together with anyone.

So... this is getting confusing even for me, I can imagine how you readers feel. I could go on and on, but let's wrap this up one final time, shall we? I still feel as if I have things to say, so there might be a post every now and then, but I'll try and stick to my new blog instead. You know how I easily get nostalgic and start missing things I've experience before. But for now, this is officially closed down. All of you who have been with me, as readers, through this nightmare ride - thanks for reading, even if you've only read a post before you got tired of my emo bitching and pessimistic view of the world. I never though anyone would have the patience to read through another persons diary, for that is what it is, a simple diary. But for the few people that actually have an interest in my life, this page is great. I promise to post a link to my new blog shortly.

So... with the words of Nikki Sixx, from "Home Sweet Home", lets put this thing to rest one final (?) time. Cause' his words couldn't have been more true, I'm on my way home. And her arms is the closest I've come yet. Until next time, everyone.

Love, Sid.


You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away high
So I wouldn't come home low

Just when things went right
Doesn't mean they were always wrong
Just take this song and you'll never feel
Left all alone

Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And I'm comin' off this
Long and winding road

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home

You know that I've seen
Too many romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin' off the silver screen

My heart's like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
Just set me free
Home sweet home

Ready when you are

5.57 AM. Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Too tired to write anything of importance tonight... or this morning, whatever it is. Just wanted to say that I'm looking forward to seeing Zandra today, though I'm nervous as hell. Things have changed since we last talked, and now I'm starting to believe that she's what I've been looking for all my life. Everything about her is just perfect, almost dream-like... and it both frightens and fascinates me. Anyway, we'll see what happens tomorrow (today, that is), and maybe, just maybe, I've finally come to that fork in the road where I have to pick which road to follow. Let's just hope that I choose the right one, 'cause there ain't no turning back once you've started walking those endless miles.

Regardless of which path I choose, I would want her to walk by my side.
Off to a few hours of sleep, night everyone.

Queen of the night

2.03 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Dear diary,

So I've been at my parents home for a day now... so far so good. But ever since I got here I've had this strange feeling I can't seem to get off my mind. It's hard to put into words, but some strange mixture of loneliness, paranoia and just feeling uneasy. The loneliness is the worst right now, it feels like I'm about to burst into tears at any given moment. I just want someone to hold me, so I can feel safe again. Other than that, not much is new... don't know when I'll go back to town again, even though I actually have something to look forward to when I get back there. Been speaking some more to Zandra, and she wanted to see me again, which is great news. She was even more beautiful in real life than I could ever have imagined, and though I was nervous as hell, she seemed to have a calming effect on me. In some way, it felt like we had known each other for a long time. Needless to say, I was enchanted by her stunning looks and great personality, which further developed my infatuation. Once again, diary, I am beginning to think that I'm falling in love. And yeah, you're right - I'm going to say the same thing again; "It feels different this time around."

But I'm damn right it does. I feel as if everything I do is like a new adventure, and for the first time ever I'm not afraid to spread my wings and just throw myself out into the skies. So what if they're full of holes, or made of lead? I'm going to enjoy the view on my way down, in that case, so don't you worry. I'm so bad at trying to hide my enthusiasm for such matters as this, and often it turns out I'm wrong about everything and have to feel the shame for taking it for granted. But even if that's the case this time around too, I won't hide that she makes me happy just by saying she feels somewhat the same. And baby, I know you're reading this - I'm sorry if I have gotten it all wrong, but you're so attractive I can't help it. We would make such a beautiful couple.

Today's gonna be kinda' nice actually, it was my fathers birthday yesterday (congratz, dad!) so today a whole lot of releatives are gonna show up here and celebrate him, which equals a lot of cake and various sweets. Nom. You know... it's like I go through a transformation whenever I get here. I come into this house wearing a mask, the one I wear everyday when I'm at home in Borås or with my friends, then I take it off and travel back four years in time when I still lived here, worked every day at the farm and didn't have a clue of what was waiting for me in the future. It feels both great and awful at the same time... I enjoy the hard work, it keeps you focused and keeps you from thinking too much. Just hard work, where you can see very clear results at the end of the day, and then you stop working and your mind gets back into city-mode, and you start missing a fast broadband connection, having a store close and being able to meet your friends without traveling 40 kilometers to the nearest train station. I know I can't stand being here longer than a few days, but that does it for me. I go back, and enjoy living in a town more than I did before, so it has its purposes being here after all. But just to complain a bit, for the sake of complaining itself, I'll end this post with a classic lyric from Guns N' Roses "Down On The Farm". Night y'all.


All I need is some inspiration
Before I do somebody some harm
I feel just like a vegetable
Down here on the farm

Nobody comes to see me
Nobody here to turn me on
I ain't even got a lover
Down here on the farm

They told me to get healthy
They told me to get some sun
But boredom eats me like cancer
Down here on the farm

Drinkin' lemonade shanty
Ain't nobody here to do me harm
But I'm like a fish out of water
Down here on the farm

I wrote a thousand letters
Till my fingers all gone numb
But I never see no postman
Down here on the farm

Colours of rain

2.41 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

It feels like I have reached a point where everything just has stopped making sense. A moment of clarity, yet it is tainted by an inexplicable force that is driving me insane. I can not see the veils, for they are too close to my eyes. There is only darkness in front of me, but in the darkness there are also light. Small spots of light, drifting around in the void. Most of the spots consists of the people that help me keep breathing, but some are also made of my dreams and hopes, my interests and the things I enjoy. I've become far too reliant, far too depending on other things but my own self to keep myself alive. I cling to matters that have been long lost for me, I seek comfort in memories of sunny days when everything I needed was a smile and a kiss, and I was content. Now, these dark matters at hand drive me towards greed and a burning desire for more. I desire so many things, and when I get them, they almost instantly become obsolete in my hands, and I throw them away and start yearning for bigger, better things. This is my curse.

I do not have much to tell you about my everyday doings, since they aren't that important anyway. The only thing that matters nowadays is that my need to evolve and find new places, new things to enjoy is satisifed. And by the look of things, it isn't going very well. Most days I feel hopelessly out of place, like someone placed me in a play I do not want to take part in, but is forced to anyway because I need the money it pays to survive. All while dreaming away during the nights, dreaming of large stages with thousands of people screaming my name, riches and beautiful women. Power, the ability to become totally independent. To be able to influence the world, or even become powerful enough to rule it. You'll call me mad, even me myself does it every now and then, but my mind works in mysterious ways. Though it often decieves me and plots against me, on some rare occasions we find a balance, and then work in the same direction, against the same target. I know I'm smart, even smarter than most people around me. Maybe that's why I feel alienated from the rest of humanity. Like I know something they don't, and I know I really do. I've got what it takes, they don't. To seize something that's already been coming straight towards you shouldn't be considered as something awful. If only I could find the peace of mind I need to put my plans in motion.

Another issue that has been bothering me lately... I can't seem to find the same enthusiasm in sex that I used to have before. Just a couple of years ago, I could sleep with almost anything that had a pussy and tits, but then I found myself a girlfriend, fucked her 'til we both got tired of fucking each other, and then did the same thing twice and then... here we are. I've gotten into a lot of situations where I've consciously said no to sex with a girl, just because of this trouble I'm having. Everytime I try to get aroused and have sex with a girl, it is af is my body freezes. I can't find any attraction towards her, even if she's really sexy. And no, anyone who thinks I'm gay will get a punch in the teeth. I know that's not the case. More likely, it has gotten to the point where I've become so unsure of myself that I can't show myself in front of others. The mask has become such an obstruction that it prohibits me from doing what I once enjoyed so much. Just the few past weeks there have been lots of moments where I found out my head wants to fuck the chick I have laying next to me, but my body doesn't obey. Not even when I have been drinking it wants to co-operate. And it only gets worse. Sex keeps me alive, without it I lose even more of my passion for life, and those reserves are running dangerously low as it is. Enough complaining.

You know, this whole "don't worry, be happy" things has really worked out so far. Sure, there are times when I fall through the gaps and get depressed over things, but for the most part, I'm doing fine. Things aren't perfect, but then again, nothing will ever be perfect for me, ever. I'm looking forward to things more than before, and every day seems like a new adventure even though they usually consist of me waking up, sitting in front of the computer, and then go to bed 12 hours later again. At least I'm alive, I have plans and dreams and I look into the future and see something good just waiting to happen. Talking of things about to happen, tomorrow I'll meet this girl, whom I've mentioned before, Zandra. We've talked for a while over the Internet and she really gets to me. She's so damn attractive, and really brings out that childish "I want it now!-feeling" in me. But as always, I doubt myself on such matters. She seems to be ready to start a new relationship, and by the looks of it, she's already found a worthy candidate. But I cannot help feeling that we should fit perfectly together. We have so much in common, and she seems to understand me in a way not many others do. I'm nervous as hell, I always get like this when I'm about to meet with someone for the first time. Always striving to make a great first impression. Things really doesn't get better with her being so pretty and all... but we'll see. Maybe Mr.Pathetic gets a new rival tomorrow. And I know who would win that fight.

I was meaning to get a few hours of sleep before 7 AM when I should start doing the laundry, but that seems unnecessary at the moment, since it would only help making me even more tired when I wake up. Maybe I'll just lay down and close my eyes and see what happens. Later y'all.

Pathway

2.36 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I guess I knew it all along... I'm officially lost again.

she'll fake a smile when the timing's right
but that cunt will stab you in the back
her eyes are set to make it to the top
she spreads her legs like a swing-door opens up
my bad, I started this rumour,
that you sell your mouth for a dollar
and if I know her right, that precious little whore,
she's on her back screaming out for more

Stories with bitter endings

8.08 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Crazy Lixx - Death Row

Dear diary,

Well look who's finally gotten around to it. Hi! Have you missed me? Of course you have. I knew it. You're too sweet. It has been longer than ever before since I wrote a "full" post here, and in a way it feels great. 'Cause you know, I've been telling you all this shit about me feeling worse when I over-analyze my head and everything that goes on inside of it, and that's exactly the reason I have been letting this shit be for a while now. So if you're expecting to hear a full report of how bad I'm feeling, and how much I miss someone, or something, you're out of luck. I mean, I have that kind of feelings, but I'm just suppressing them, trying to focus on positive emotions... which in most cases mean I act on impulse with just about everything. And to be honest... its been working fucking great.

Lately I've met a whole lot of interesting people, I've went from having no social life, to actually spending time with people I've never met before. It's both refreshing and exciting at the same time, a little taste of what my life used to be, and what I want it to be like. Constantly meeting new people, seeing new places, trying everything at least once and not giving a shit about what anyone thinks. I'm on my way there now, I can feel it. It's like I'm reborn, and I've come flying out of the womb like a bat out of hell, ready to take on the world and any fucker who tries to mess with my plans or myself. At least I feel like that sometimes... but not nearly enough. It'll hopefully be the beginning of a new period. The next stage, or something like that. But anyways... I mentioned something about meeting some new people lately, right? Some of 'em are more than just "interesting"... and as you can probably guess, they're all female. I've been getting some attention from quite a few ladies in the past few weeks, and as much as I like it, it also makes me so confused. It's been everything from just a small comment to practically telling me they want to be together with me... and that just makes everything so much harder. Each and every one of them are special in their own way, some of them shine more than the others, but all in all they're all sweet, caring persons who I wouldn't mind spending more time with. But I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with someone again until I've cleared my mind of everything that makes me such a bad fucking person. First then can I focus on making someone else happy.

We have a band again. Big news. Even though or first rehearsal was awful, and I got so nervous I forgot how to sing fuckin' Sweet Child O' Mine, we're still a band. It may be we don't have the guitarists yet, but the foundation is there and everything feels great. Our drummer, Tommy (yeah, his name is really Tommy) is driven and entusiastic, and that's just what we need. Someone to kick our asses when we (me and my faithful basstard) get lazy. We also have a gig booked in May next year, on a small festival in some random town in the middle of Sweden, which means we have about 7 months to make and release our first demo. We have some material already, mainly stuff from our drummers old band that we decided to use, but hopefully we have a couple of new songs ready by the end of this year. Ah hell, this might just be it. The start of the journey. The only thing I doubt at this point is myself. Sometimes I feel like I can sing like a beast, that I sound fucking awesome, and some days I just can't take a single note. And the fact that not many other people have heard me sing other than on recorded songs is also worrying. What if I'm walking around in a dream, a dream that is about me being able to sing? What if I actually sound like shit? Then what am I going to do? Play guitar? Nah, I'm a singer. I know my voice isn't suited for this whole rock thing, it's too fragile and high pitched to get that attitude that, for example, Eric Martin has. It lacks the punch of say... Axl Rose or Sebastian Bach. And if the voice is missing out, the music's going to sound like shit. Everything I ever wanted was to stand in the spotlight, to be the main attraction, even though it scares the shit out of me, I know I'm going to fall into the role of the rock n' roll singer when it's time. The show must go on.

I feel better about my appearance, that's also great big news. All this attention is making me believe I'm actually attractive to some people. If it's just the projected image they've seen and liked, or if it's who I am behind the mask, I don't know. But I don't feel that apart from the mask and the real me anymore, we're kinda' growing into each other once again. That tough shell is cracking up in a big smile, showing what's behind it. And for the first time in a long while I feel like I can show it to some people without being afraid it will drive them away or make them think I'm ugly. It's probably still gonna be a big play all my life, constantly changing masks between different episodes to whatever suits me best at the time, but hopefully there will also be times when I feel comfortable with just being myself. It all depends on the attention... always the attention of others to make me feel good about myself. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.

Ah, hell... this one's longer than the previous posts at least. I've probably left out too many things that I should've informed you guys about, but as I always say... let me get back to you. Tomorrow I'll be visiting my parents again, staying there for a day or so before going back here and hopefully attending a Halloween party where a lot of the interesting people I've mentioned earlier will show up. If I can afford it. Let's hope for the best. Later y'all.