Survivalism

03.20 AM, Småland, Sweden

"Dear diary."

The revolution of my psychosis has taken me this far through the night. The pain I feel is overwhelming, yet familiar in a twisted way. It is af every beat of my heart is a new dagger stabbed into my back, leaving a hollow, fucked up, bleeding shell of a man. I couldn't murder anyones promise, because it isn't there any longer, and I can't take it. I don't even think it is because of her being single again (Marlene, you curious bastard.), but something different altogether. It really doesn't change anything, she still doesn't want anything to do with me, yet I feel this need to... take her, take her so that no one else does. No one should be fucking the girl I fucked for so many months. No one should be kissing the same lips that I did. No one should be sharing the same bed as I did. It's a fucked up mantra, repeating itself inside my head, echoing against the walls, growing stronger for each second until I can't take it anymore. It's that old monster again, awakened from it's slumber by the bare scent of my approaching anguish. And I still have to believe that it isn't me, it isn't me, it isn't me...

Today has been interesting, really. I went into town with basstard, met the band, talked about the future. Made me feel fuckin' invincible, 'cause when we're together, it feels like we are ready to take on the world, and fuck, fight and drink our way through life until we reach the top. The words of Vince Neil couldn't be any more true;

Had wild dreams
Walkin' the streets
Hell, we were young
Never looked back
So we took our dreams
Ran like hell
Lived our youth
From the wishing well
Me and the boys
Made a pact
To live or die
No turning back
Scarred for life

So afterwards I went back to Vaggeryd to meet up with Caroline. We had a cup of coffee, and sat down and talked about everything that has been going on in our lives since we last met all those years ago. It felt quite awkward, but still interesting, since she in many ways is still the same person I got to know back then.

My lungs ache when I draw breath... a constant reminder of the ticking of the clock that's been put over my head. Not like a watch, but more like a countdown to an inevitable explosion that will send me spiraling down to the depths once again. And as much as I'd like to prevent that from happening, I still embrace that fate as my own, because there is nothing I can do about it. I suppose happy endings were never made for me after all. You make my skin crawl, I wanna dress in your insecurities and be the perfect you once through. Now, I'm outstretched for all to loathe, and yeah, here we go again - the ultimate irony. So much for memories, eh? And Tina has everything served to her on a silver platter, her life has been constantly getting better ever since she got rid of my sorry ass, and it hurts, yeah - it hurts, to see her happy with someone else. I could have been that one, but someone took the chance from me - stole it, like a dirty fucking thief, and for that I hate him. Deeply and truly - but hey, what can you do?

(Take a fuckin' hatchet and split that motherfuckers skull, faggot. You know you'd want to. Prison isn't that bad, you'd be out in a couple of years. Good behavior.)

Good call, mister. But I don't think so. One way or another, I'll get my revenge. One way or another... I'd give it all away, so come take it all away, please. Somebody tell me how I got here? I'd give it all to you, come take it, it's all for you. The noise inside is so damn loud, but everything else is just dust and sound.

"Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord" - Romans 12:19

Onwards, like a marching soldier, lost in the field, but still marching until his legs won't bear him anymore. Under pressure from constant shelling, knowing that his next step might land on a landmine, blowing his legs of, but he'd still be crawling forward, pressing on until the blood has left his body, leaving a trail of crimson red behind him. Fight, fight, fight, until the break of dawn, in the night, in the fields, on the beaches - never give in to your enemy, for He is the Devil, and shall be sent back into the abyss where he belongs. Can you hear the marching drums, the killing rhythm? In this psychopathic daze I believe I can feel her breath on my neck. She's standing behind me, guarding me from all evil that has set out to harm me, holds her shining shield up high, preventing their sharp, poisoned daggers from reaching my heart. I lean back and feel her soft, white skin against mine, instantly sending chills down my spine from the sheer excitement it creates. Her body next to mine, asleep in each others arms, sharing heartbeats like you would share the last piece of bread with your starving best friend. Perhaps my tolerance is a phase, and I will soon snap out of it, awakened to a world full of the same pain I feel in my dreams. I long to fall asleep in her arms. Adrift and at peace, far away from this reality. Wrapped in immortality.

And with the words of Trent Reznor, also known as God, I leave you tonight. Have faith.

I still recall
The taste of your tears
Echoing your voice
Just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you
Still wash ashore
Scraping through my head
'Till I don't want to sleep anymore

I just want something
I can never have
In this place
It seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look
You're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder
Of who I used to be