Star/Fool

9.47 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Dubmood - various tracks

Dear diary,

All of a sudden I feel the need to change who I am... I can't explain it too well, but I'm getting the feeling that everything I do, I do wrong. I behave wrong, I act wrong, I say the wrong things... everything I am, I need to change into... I don't know, something better? More mature, more educated, more articulate, more self-aware and secure. I look at other people, and the way the act, the things they say, and I want to be them so bad. Not them but their persona, and the way they carry themselves throughout life. I carry so many different faces, adapt my personality to whatever changes come into my everyday life. I'm a different person for every situation imaginable, a thousand masks to change between. And it has only taken me so far. Don't get me wrong, I never wanna grow up. I never want to be considered as an adult, at least not in some meanings of the word. But I want to behave more mature, even if that means that I have to drop some of my beloved interests, that by definition are "childish" or "immature". And I still havenät decided if that is a far too great loss.

I feel... translucent. As if people can see right through me, like thin mist. Sure, I have a personality... but what impression do I make on others? How do they see me? I'm not sure, but I'm getting the feeling that most people don't take me seriously. And I can't have it that way. Something has to be done, that's for sure. But I still haven't figured out what it is yet.

Other than that... things are the same as always. I give the "meaningless subsistence" a new face.
And I can't have it like that.