Beast you've made of me

11.40 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Florence And The Machine - Howl

Dear diary,

Why do I keep hurting myself? Why do I have this uncontrollable urge to wallow myself in my own pain and suffering? Why can't I stop myself from doing things that I know will hurt me? I have no answer, other than that I might be slowly killing myself.

It can't go on like this. She is clearly better off without me, and sometimes I like to think that maybe I can become someone desireable, someone who she could love again. She's always been a sucker for those types of people. But I'm on a steady route to nothingness, and my dreams are slipping away, out of my hands, and I can't seem to do anything to stop it from happening. I've become a nobody, and no one wants a nobody, right? Right. I shouldn't be looking at her pictures, shouldn't be looking at his pictures, shouldn't be thinking about her. It's wrong to myself, and wrong to those I love. But can I stop myself from doing it? No, not a fucking chance. I know it's gonna hurt when I see how beatiful she has become, I know it's gonna feel like a fucking knife trhough my heart when I see how he's so much better than me, more beautiful than me, more experienced than me. I'm fighting a war with myself that has been going on for as long as I can remember, a civil war where both sides are losing, but keep fighting anyway until there is nothing left of both sides. I'm losing, fuck... I'm losing this game I've been playing, and I'm losing it to the one I never could bear losing it to. And maybe she reads this and sits there, smiling, thinking "Yeah, I'm so fucking good, I made him lose what sanity was left in him.". I know we could have made it, if I only had opened my eyes in time. But I've always been late all my life, and the best chances have already been taken when I finally arrive. It's getting clearer to me now that my life is a big fucking failure, just a dream. All I do is dream, without realizing that they are the only thing I have left. And they're leaving, then what is left? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing....

"If you could only see the beast you've made of me
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart
Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart

My fingers claw your skin, try to tempt my way in
You are the moon that makes the night for which I have to howl
My fingers claw your skin, try to tempt my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to

Howl, howl
Howl, howl

Now there's no rolling back, I'm aching to attack
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hollow ground

Like some child possessed, the beast howls in my breast
I want to find you and tear out all of your tenderness

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them into hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters

The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress
Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hollow ground"

Yeah, if you only could see the beast you've made of me. If you only could see me...

(These are the things I'm afraid to tell you. I'm so afraid that you'll run away from me, thinking that I don't love you. But I do, I really do. You're the only thing that's keeping me alive baby, and I don't want to lose you. But this is what's going on inside my head, and I can't stop it. I'm sorry for not being as good as you deserve.)