Time after time

 3.55 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Bon Jovi – Born To Be My Baby


Too drunk, really, but I'm gonna give this a shot.

Still thinking about her, but all of a sudden there's a new face in my dreams. I can't really say if she's something I'd like to have in my life, but she sure shines through the rain. And those dead butterflies at the bottom of my stomach at least get some of their former vitality back.

Newsflash; probably found an apartment in Borås, a nice 3-room apartment with 2 walk-in closets and 2 bathrooms. Should be awesome, now for some unbearable waiting before they call and want us to sign the contract. Over and out.

This came as a surprise. Unexpected turn of events. Damn it.

I'll see you in my dreams

4.10 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

The Dangerous Summer – Where I Want To Be

I wish you'd try to save me
Your silence makes me crazy

I should be sleeping by now, I can barely keep my eyes open. Did something bad again, popped a couple of pills, and I'm afraid they're gonna start messing with my heart again. Ever since the accident it hasn't been working properly, I had regular chest pains for a year after, but they've become more unusual since then, until now. The amount of meds I've been stuffing in my mouth the last month is frightening, just to get by, just to forget and maybe, just maybe, to stop breathing. It is at this time the demons usually come out in full force, out of hiding. They've been lurking around in the shadows the whole evening, and they know now is the time to strike. I'm weak, weak because I can't stop my mind from unraveling. I'm thinking about her again, what she's doing, and who she's with. If he's better than me, smarter, funnier, prettier... which is probably the case. Who would want this sorry piece of shit.

Right on, bro. Now you're starting to see my side of this story. You're right, she's probably spending the night in someone else's bed. Happy with someone else. Stings, doesn't it? It's supposed to. A constant reminder that you're worthless, just a big fuck you to everything you've tried to become, but failed miserably at. You know she doesn't give a damn about you anymore, she's moved on, and for her it was so easy. She just forgot about you and all your time together in a matter of days. Gone. You, on the other hand, will be stuck here forever. Forever.

You're right. But still... I can't stand the thought of someone else having what I want so badly, rubbing it in my face every second of my life. These thoughts are driving me towards something I fear more than anything else, becoming something so vile... 

It's not love, dear.

Late october

 4.54 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

The Hillbilly Moon Explosion – My Love for Evermore (feat. Sparky Phillips)

We stood on a cliff in a starless night
I held your hand in my mine...
so stand by me with all your heart,
I need you by my side
 

I came back. Didn't believe it myself, but I guess this is my only way of finding my way back to a version of myself that had some creativity left in it. Should start reading more books in english as well, I fell like I'm starting to lose my ability to express myself, not only in english but in my native language as well.

As I'm writing this I've begun packing my belongings into boxes once again, leaving only the things I need until I move still unpacked. I've done this so many times by now, it has become a ritual to me. It feels like I'm taking all the anguish, fear and darkness that has been accumulating inside of me since I moved back into this town, and putting it into the boxes together with all the other stuff, and when I arrive in my new home I get a moment of clarity from all of it, since it's still inside the boxes. It's when I slowly start to empty the boxes that it creeps out again, seeping into every dark corner of my new home, ready to strike whenever I am vulnerable. I'll never get rid of those shadows, I know that for a fact, so I do what I can to stay away from them, but some of them are parts of me that I can't run from, so it's really no use.

Yesterday there was some dude here to check out the apartment, I really hope he takes it. In that case I can probably move out on the 15th of November, and then spend two weeks at my parents home and move into our new apartment on the 1st of December. It's always been like that for me, I have to take the decision and then act quickly, before I get stuck and spend months walking around my apartment like a ghost, longing to break the chains and move on. So for those of you who didn't know, my next destination will be Borås. Once again. I should have learned my lesson by now, with so much shit that has happened to me in that town, but for some reason I keep gravitating towards that place. This time I won't be living alone, my drummer is gonna join me, and hopefully my guitarist as well as soon as he has found a job there or some way of getting an income at least. Living together with the band probably is more of an advantage than a burden, I'm hoping that I will be so busy with becoming a rockstar that my demons won't even get the chance to mess with my head.

Oh, you really think that's gonna work? Hasn't been working that well in the past, has it? That's right. Useless.

Shut the fuck up, will ya? I'm trying here, for the first time in a very long while, trying to make some sense out of this. I'm gettin' pissed at myself here for being unable to let the words flow like they used to. Read back a couple of months last night and was blown away by the way I was expressing myself. Where did that come from, and why did it disappear? I'm gonna find out, that's for damn sure. It ain't over yet.


It's been over for a long time... you just won't admit it to yourself... I know she's gone, I heard her myself. She lied to you. She lied, because you're such a piece of shit. You don't deserve honesty from anyone, anyone but me. I'm your best friend, remember? I tell you the truth. She didn't. She's probably in some other guys bed right now, sleeping on his chest after they fucked all night, and he fucked her good, you know that. Better than you could ever dream of. And he tells her all those things you couldn't say because you were too scared, too fucked up, too bent on living that dream of yours that never came true. Oh, don't tell me about it, I've heard it all before. It's gonna get busy around here pretty soon, trust me. I ain't done with you. 

Back for more

6 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden


 Back from the dead, eh? Never thought I'd open up these pages again, not after last time at least. But I guess I have my reasons this time.

First of all, I have no friends left. At least no friends that I can share these secrets with, because they simply wouldn't understand. This leaves me in a solitude I have not chosen, yet it is something I will never find my way out of.

Second of all, I'm doing this simply to see if I still have it in me. The last few years I have watched my creativity crumble and disappear into nothing, leaving me completely dead inside and unable to make sense of anything. I look back on these pages and read my words, not recognizing them, as if they were written by a complete stranger. I look back, and I miss it. No matter how much I've suffered in the past, nothing comes close to being this numb, and I'd give anything to feel that fire in my veins one more time.

This time around, much is different. I've wandered down paths I never dreamed I would take, and yet, I come back to the same place I started, over and over again. The only thing that's changing is my demons. They take on new disguises, new names, but in their twisted, charcoal hearts, they are all the same. I fear they have become such a big part of me that it's not even me moving my fingers around the keyboard right now, that somehow they have taken control of my body.

I can't even start explaining what has happened since last time I posted here, it would take me a week. And I don't even want to explain, since explaining means I have to think about all of it, and that would probably kill me right now. My head is spinning already from just writing about it, and I'm losing focus. Fuck it, let's just see where this takes us. If you're reading this, because you're a friend (or an enemy) or just a random person stalking me, I'd suggest you start by reading the story thus far. It helps when it comes to understand this hell that my life has become. Enjoy.


Oh, I will... I will...

Like an infection

1.49 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Never thought I'd open up these dusty virtual pages again. Never thought I'd need to hear your voice echo through the empty halls of my mind. It wasn't supposed to be like this again, remember? I called it quits, I bailed out. I abandoned you before it was too late. And now I'm here, back on my knees, praying for someone to make the pain go away. It's no difference this time, yet it is different in a way. That feeling of numbness weighing down on me, suffocating me slowly, erasing every ray of light, and leaving only darkness behind. Complete, utter darkness. I live my life as a corpse, an empty shell of a man that was once so full of dreams, so full of hope... no more. I seem to have reached another turning point, or is it a dead end? I can't tell anymore.

I'm losing my grip. People slip out of my hands, out of my life, out of reach, out of sight. It's not that I don't know why - I know damn well why they leave - only the fact that I can't do a damn thing about it. Helpless, once again. I can't let anyone into my heart, into my mind, or into my soul. I just can't. Once they're inside, they'll hurt me like all the others, leave me broken down, defenseless. I have no other option, what I want to do has no effect on my mind, since it has made a decision. Letting people too close only hurts. That's why they leave. A hopeless crusade. A closed case. A waste of time. I can't feel what they feel. Can't see what they see. Can't force myself to take interest in any of them, except for the ones that appeal to my twisted side, and when they become out of reach, I rage. Rage at everything, a wrath that is uncontrollable, unstoppable, and leaves me with yet another lost friend. If I keep doing this, there won't be anyone left at all.

Time is drawing near, my dear. Didn't I tell you? Didn't I fucking tell you? You piece of shit. Worthless piece of shit. Ya really think anyone would want to be close to you? You said it yourself, you can't open your heart. It's closed. And it has been for a long time, I should know... I threw away the key. Embrace your fate, and stop whining.

I've given up hope once again. Nothing I thought would save me has been able to make any difference at all. I'm still here, square one. Haven't achieved anything since last time you heard from me. I know, I know, I promised myself I'd let go of all this drama... and just try to live without all this bullshit. Turns out it has become such a big part of me that I can't ignore it. It's almost like it's become a bigger part of me than myself. Like a cancer, mercilessly growing inside of me, twisting and mutilating my cells, turning them into broken shadows of my old self. Every time I close my eyes, everything starts spinning. I see my end drawing closer, fast. People leaving. People getting tired of not getting through. And all I can do is watch, almost like a horror movie. Why still hold on when you've already started falling?

Once again, dear friend... I told you so. There's never been anyone else but you and me. The memories? To hell with the memories, they're only scars that want to make themselves heard and bleed through again. They'll always be there, 'cause you're not making any new ones. You'll always be nostalgic, always wanting to reach out into the past and grab that shining light that was once your soul. Well, it's gone now, isn't it? It's just you and me, pal... you and me.

Until the bitter end.

Thanks for the memories

00.30 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Dear diary,

This breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. I've left my only comfort behind, let it slip right out of my hands. I can't stop shaking. Can't stop thinking. Just because I can't give her what she deserves, doesn't mean some other asshole is allowed to do it.

Somehow I feel like this is going to end with you having the time of your life together with someone you truly love, while I get stuck and left behind. Desperately wishing I didn't make this decision. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

"You can't break a heart that's stopped beating."

Dust devils and cosmic storms

11.21 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I'm sitting here with all the lights out, a couple of lit candles and a cup of tea. Trying to make it into some kind of evening ritual before I go to bed, to gather my thoughts and write something here. Today has been alright, left school before lunch today since I had nothing to do so I could as well go home and "study"... not much studying has been done, of course. Did some cleaning, way too dusty in here, and I'm beginning to think I'm allergic to dust, and it sucks... It means that it affects my singing, and since I'm already allergic to pollen it also means that I'm walking around with a running nose 360 days a year. Shit's fucked up.

I think I need to start reaching out for people more, instead of staying inside my shell to protect myself. I'm having trouble inspiring myself, or finding things that inspire me, perhaps there's some people out there who are able to light a fire inside me again? I can think of a few candidates already, people I've been talking to for a while, but never met. I've been stuck in this place for far too long, I need to get out and get some new views, see new places, meet new people. Maybe then, my armor will disintegrate and fall of me like autumn leaves, rusted pieces of my past and concrete from the wall that has surrounded me for far too long... sure, I won't let my guard down completely, that would be foolish. But this time around, a guard post at the gate will do... not some majestic impression of the wall of China.

Also... I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow being deceived. Something ain't right, I can feel it. I can't stand being everybody's fool. Anyway, time for bed... just a day and a half left in school this week.

Nowhere

10.06 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Woah. Almost 8 months since I last wrote in you. Have you missed me? I guess I've missed you too... but not enough to actually take the time to write a few words every now and then. So now I gently brush away the dust from your cover and pick up my virtual pen, and spill my soul on these blank pages...

...that is, of course, if there is any soul left in me to spill. I doubt it. But hey, first thing's first. Let's begin where we left off... I was living together with two friends here in town, but I moved out in February and now I'm currently living alone in my own 2-room apartment, just a couple of hundred meters away from my old one. Living alone is great, I can finally wander around naked without anyone screaming or fainting from the unpleasant sight. Also, I get that time alone that I need and can control myself when and how I choose to be around people. Apart from that... everything's pretty much the same. Well... I've started studying daytime now, welding. It's not that I'm actually planning to become a welder, I just need to survive. And to be honest, it sure as hell beats sitting at home all day long doing nothing. Plus, I'm actually quite good at it...

The band is going nowhere. We found ourselves a kickass drummer in November (yeah, I know... I've said this a couple of times before, but this time it's for real. He is everything I've been looking for in a bandmate.) and then got ourselves a lead guitarist in February this year, and since then we've actually begun writing a few songs, but things haven't been moving forward at all the last month. More about that later on.

Back to the pressing issue -and with the risk of sounding overly dramatic - I'm dead inside. It's true. If you'd split me in half, nothing but dust and corpses of dead moths would flow from my veins. How many times have we been through this? How many times have I told myself that I need to change, or bitched and moaned about me being unable to do so? I feel like a broken record, repeating myself over and over again. But this is for real. Back then, at least I could write about it. Now... nothing. Totally empty. No feelings. No emotion. No soul. Things that make other people cry or smile, leaves me unaffected. Indifferent. Unconcerned. Things that used to make my heart beat faster, now passes me by as gray matter. No wonder I can't create music, art or anything that requires any form of creativity.

Yeah, yeah... I fuckin' know what you're thinking. "Here he goes again, the sad clown trying to get some compassion from people around him." It ain't about that anymore. It ain't about trying to make others feel what I feel, or understand the things I go through. This time it's pure survival, without anything else blended into the mix. I don't get hurt, because there's nothing inside of me that can be damaged.

You can't break a heart that doesn't beat.


So I will keep trying... no - I will keep fighting. One step at a time, through this heavy mud, changing myself into what I need to be to take me to where I want to be. Maybe I'll fail this time too, and I'll keep posting these words until I grow old and die forgotten in some god forsaken hospital. Hopefully not.

And hey... it's good to see you again. And yes, you too...

Long time no see, bastard...

Hateful

10.11 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Dear diary,

I really can't control my anger anymore. It has reached the point where it gets real frightening, it takes just one wrong word to unleash it and it grows bigger than ever before, unleashing massive amounts of hate, anger and wrath. I can almost feel my blood boiling and my heart pounding, fists clenching... I know I could do what it makes me want to do, all the barriers have been breached and there is nothing left that would stop me... maybe the thought of spending the rest of my life in prison for mutilating some whore who probably had it coming anyway... but then they'll have to catch me first.

Leaving hope

8.27 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

So this is what it has boiled down to. An insight, as painful as a thousand razors running down the veins of my heart, yet it is a release. The events that led me to this conclusion have been both painful and a cause of great anger and hate. Now I know;

- I can't let people into my life because of everything that has happened in the past (consult earlier entries in this diary for explanation). Making new friends is impossible, everytime someone is starting to get close, I push them away. Hide.

- People I have considered as friends are no longer making sense to me. I have alienated myself from their life, or maybe it's the other way around? No one who knows me well wants to be around me, or lie to keep me under false pretence. I resent their actions, and have tried for far too long to endure their lies and fake smiles.

- My dreams and plans for the future all involve passionate people who are willing to burn together with me as one. As a result of my inability to engage in long-term relationships, this is impossible to achieve.

- I'm alone in this. No one feels like I do, no one can ever understand me, because I can never explain myself fully to anyone. This leads to solitude.

- Solitude means that my hopes and dreams are all in vain. Without any ability to share or explain them fully to another living being, they will remain in my head until the day I die.

- This insight leads me to the conclusion that because my dreams and plans for the future will never be realized, my life is worthless. Meaningless. Pointless.

- A pointless existense is redundant, and does not contribute in any way to the society or to himself, and therefore must cease to exist. Self-termination is the only option.

- Suffering within the lone individual will increase with time passed after the conclusion has been made. A quick decision and execution of before mentioned measure is of the essence.

- Since outside help can't be accepted because of my mental condition and various flaws in my personality, such offers will be firmly, but kindly ignored.



Looks like I've lost this battle against time. We all do, eventually, but this time it's my turn.

Night's sorrow

4 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,







I fucked up. Big time. Now I don't know what to do...

Away with these nightmares

4.05 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Should've been asleep by now, but instead I got stuck on some random video-page, watching fail-videos and random clips for about 3 hours. Total fucking waste of time. Which is all I do nowadays. Wasting time, wasting possibilities, wasting talent, wasting dreams - wasting life. And it has come to the point where I am totally helpless, I can't change the situation even if I wanted to, I lack the strength to drag myself out of this hole I've fallen into, which creates so much anger inside of me that I'm afraid I'm going to burst in a thousand pieces at any given moment. There is so much I want to accomplish, and time is running out. Let's face it - I'm worthless, and too damn proud to admit it to myself, so I'll keep on planning, keep on dreaming, keep on thinking that maybe one day I'll be strong enough to get to where I want, only to realize that it's too late - and has been for decades.

A bullet to my head would be the best solution, that way all this anguish, anger and suffering would end, and I'd take my dreams to my grave where they would rest peacefully for once. I'm so tired of this... so tired of everything.... just so tired...

Bad seed

11.51 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden


I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you



Can't take this any longer. I'm trapped. Behind bars.
No one... should ever be caged...

Join the club

5.12 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I remembered too late what effects that medication has the day after you've taken it... Woke up around 4 PM, dizzy, tired, blurred vision. I've been walking around in a coma ever since, but at least I've managed to eat something. The hospital called earlier... a really nice nurse or... receptionist, whatever... she asked me how I was doing, if it was an emergency or if I could wait a couple of weeks to get an appointment with a doctor. I said it didn't matter, I mean, I've lived with this for so long, what difference does it make? She seemed to care at a genuine level, nowadays you always get the feeling that people who work at hospitals, doctors, nurses and so on, they don't care about their patients, it's just their job to try and make everyone feel better, and they don't commit on a personal level.

But maybe that's what they've got to do to remain sane... what do I know. Anyway, I need to get up on my feet and do some grocery shopping... if I can make it outside without falling, I'm feeling so dizzy...

Thorn within

1.36 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I can't sleep. I can't relax, when I close my eyes, everything I've been holding back comes rushing back through my head, like a giant wave. I had to wake Alex up to ask her if I could take some of her Theralen... but that stuff's so weak it doesn't make any difference.

I did something I never thought I'd do again... I booked an appointment with a doctor to get treatment for my psychic illnesses... I'm so afraid right now. I can't talk to them, I can't say the right words to make them understand. They'll just put me on some weak medication and then say everything will be better. They won't understand.

To something better

11.40 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Where do I take this pain of mine
I run but it stays right by my side
So tear me open, pour me out
The things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me, so hold me until it sleeps


Dear diary,

Another update, far too uncommon these strange days. But tonight, I'm cleaning out this dark, twisted, sinister closet full of too many ghosts to even begin to grasp. I'm unable to give an update of what I've been up to since the last post, too many things that are spinning around inside my mind, my memory fails me... almost as if it has started to fade away, in some clever manouver to erase the past that constantly haunts me. I mean... I thought I was doing well. Still far from sane, or through with this disease... but better than before. And all of a sudden, I find myself in a darkened room, the walls are slowly closing in, my heart is pounding, my head hurts and I can't breathe, and as I gasp for air, the last flickering light from the outside world disappears and everything is dark.

"You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold..."

I know now that everything that glitters is not gold. Maybe to the naked eye, the surface gleams and shines and takes you in with all it's beauty, but under that shiny surface is only dark, dirty lead. Poisonous and heavy, it is my cross to bear. My cross to die upon. It's the freedom I want, but why I want it, I cannot tell. Too many things I cannot tell, too many conclusions to be made for too many problems and issues. It's too heavy, I can't stand straight any longer, drags me down to the surface of the planet like a ticking clock, taking me closer to my grave... tick...tick...tick.

Time will forever be my greatest nemesis, the one thing I cannot defeat or overcome. Helpless.

It's hurting people around me, people I hold dear for the very relief they bring into my life, light that shines my way so I don't trip and fall down into the deep abyss beyond my path. Decisions to be made, so many things to decide... I'm dizzy 24/7, like walking around in a thick fog that surrounds me, eats me through every breath I take, making it's nest deep inside my lungs, filling them with it's suffocating presence inch by inch.

No matter what I do, things always seem to get worse. And I can do nothing. Helpless.

Maybe I was never meant to share my life with anyone. Maybe I wasn't meant to live at all, I mean... who knows? Maybe someone should have stood in front of me in the line, but somehow didn't make it, so they had to send out the substitute who didn't really meet the qualifications, but had to go out there into the world anyway. Fate, as we know it, maybe it's all predefined, and there is no way to get out of the carousel once it has started spinning? Sometimes I feel like I can't hold on to anything, it's always slipping out of my hands, regardless of how much I need it to live. Sometimes, I am the one to blame, not seeing clearly what I need and what I want, and sometimes people just slip right out of my hands without a last chance to hold on to them. The power of free will. Or maybe the power of my fucked up mind.

I can't stop my mind from unraveling, sending misery and pain out to harm everyone around me. But they can't even begin to understand the pain it brings inside to see them hurt by my actions. It's like thorns pressing against my heart, piercing through it's very core with poisoned tips. Maybe that's what makes it skip a beat every now and then.

If it's all about being free, why doesn't freedom alone make me satisfied? When will I ever be satisfied? I fear the answer is; never. No matter how high I fly, the sun will always be too far away. No matter how much success I have, no matter how big and shiny my crown is, there will always be a hunger for more, and more, and more. The grass could very well be greener on the other side, but if it tastes good, does it make it worth it? I can't tell. I never can't tell.

Helpless.

Antiquated

3.08 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Tonight, I need your love.

I need it more than ever before. It is in this very moment, the moment where all this pain, anguish, jealousy and fucked up distortions of my mind sends me crashing to the ground like a fighter pilot hit by enemy fire above no-mans land going down in flames.

Tonight, I need you close.

I need you closer than anyone has been ever before. I need to feel every inch of your skin touching mine, every beat of your heart resonate through my aching limbs. I need to sense your pulse next to mine, and become one with it. I need you to unravel the secrets of my heart, break the chains that have imprisoned me inside this mind and body.

Tonight, I need your sympathy.

I need you to understand why I'm desperatly trying to dig deeper into my past to find answers that never were there from the beginning. I need you to understand why my heart misses a beat every now and then, I want you to see the scars hidden underneath my skin. I need you to sense the fear I live with every second of my life, the fear that lies so deep inside my mind I can't reach it, can't pull it out, can't erase what's constantly tearing me apart.

Tonight, I need your patience.

I need you to wait for me. I need you to tell me it's worth it, that this dusty road is taking me closer to the place where I find peace. I need you to kiss me and tell me everything will be alright, that life is beautiful and show me everything in life that I have been blind to before. I need you to breathe life into me, but most of all, I need you to patiently wait while I fight this battle with my past.

Tonight, I need you to complete me.

I need your laughter to fight away my tears. I need your breath to force my lungs to cooperate. I need your hands to guide mine, your legs to walk me towards my target, even if there is no target to be found. I need your clear thoughts to compete with my disillusioned view of the world, I need you to tell me I am wrong. I want you to lead me, step by step, hand in hand, to a better tomorrow.

Tonight, I need your love.

I need it more than ever before. When I'm scared, lonely and hopelessly lost inside the wanderings of my mind. When memories of the past, once happy and bright, now plague me as dark and twisted nightmares, always with me, asleep or awake. When I'm stubborn as a child and won't admit that I'm letting things go too far. When I'm letting the sickness guide my hands, and my eyes. When I'm alone, and desperately crying out for help, for someone to take me in their arms and give me comfort and safety, if only for a brief moment. When everything I do is focused on one thing, and everything else gets left behind. When all I do is obsess, obsess, obsess over something that hasn't been mine for a long time, when all I really should do is obsess, obsess, obsess over you. When I get caught off guard, daydreaming of a better place in a perfect world, where all my sins are washed away and I can start all over again, when I really should be living the dream that is you instead. When I fail to call you back, when I'm not in the mood for sex, when I can't convince myself to get dressed and go to that party because all I want to do is crawl into a dark corner and stay there until my mind has stopped spinning. When I'm out in public and all of a sudden get tense and stop making conversation, when I'm not there for you. When all of this is through - if it ever will be - I will still need all of this, but tonight, most beloved, tonight, I need your love.

Release the wolves

1.54 AM, Jönköping, Sweden


Dear diary,

Jealousy and envy is fucking with my head again. It just won't let me be, like a giant poisonous black cloud engulfing every drop of sense in my head. I'm letting it control me, I'm letting it take advantage of me. I can't live like this. It has got to stop.

Carry with us

10.57 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

It's been too long, as usual. I'm getting sick of spilling my anguish over these blank pages, so sick of trying to explain to the world what I'm suffering from. So I stop, but from time to time I come back to make a post. And now it feels like I have nothing more to say, but I'll try to give a sitrep at least.

Things are changing, both around me and inside of me. I feel different since we last met, dear old diary. I can't really tell whether I'm moving in the right direction, or in any direction at all. I'm just floating, slowly through this reality around me, feeling disconnected from it - like a leaf, in the merciless hands of the strong autumn winds. Most of the time, it's quiet inside my head. I can still hear the echoes, still feel the whispers coming from the dark corners of my mind, but the constant hell I've been through for the last couple of years have started to wear out its welcome. I have a feeling though that it won't keep quiet for long, maybe it's just licking its wounds from our last battle - and it wasn't the onöy one who got hurt. I've got scars of my own, scars I try to hide in my everyday life, trying so damn hard not to let myself be vulnerable in front of others.

The loneliness is the worst. I have a cronic feeling of loneliness and emptiness. In a room full of people I know, I still feel alone, like no one hears me talking, or my words come out distorted and twisted. Because of that, I get quiet, and when I'm quiet people think I'm shy or rude - and further increase their distance from me. And I'm still sleeping alone through the nights, my whole body is aching to hold someone close, to feel the warmth of another body next to me, and sense their heartbeats next to my own irregular beats, creating a soothing rhythm that propels me into peaceful dreams of a better tomorrow. A tomorrow where I'm tightly holding hands with someone my heart beats faster just by looking at. A place where I wake up every morning to the faint sound of breathing, bad-breath kisses on my neck, soft hands running down my chest. Somewhere I belong. And so I keep on dreaming. Solitude is my new curse, my cross to bear this time around - and I blame only myself. Myself and my fuckin' head playing mind tricks on me, fooling me into believing I don't need anyone, that all the girls in the world will offer their bodies to me - the great rockstar with the giant ego, and a neverending appetite for sex, booze, drugs, tits and rock n' roll. But that's not me, that's just a role I'm desperately trying to grow into. Learn to play it so well that one day I'll become that actor, our personalities meld into one. Some days I feel invincible, and that everyone wants me, I'm Mr.Perfect, with looks that kill, sharp dressed and smooth. But let me tell ya, that shit wears of faster than you can say "manic depressive!". The next second, I'm back to that dark fucking place again. And so the broken record plays...

I guess I've lost track of where I'm going. Things aren't moving that fast anymore, and I've lost focus. The band isn't going anywhere, we're losing members, and I'm feeling like my vision isn't getting through to the others. In order to fulfill my dreams, my companions must share my vision and my will to reach the stars. I find myself looking back into old memories once again. I find a kind of solace there that makes me both smile and weep, the emptiness they've put inside of me, and the longing to get back just to experince those times again. I watch old photos, listen to the same music, think of all the times I've had with people close to my heart. I'm growing older by the minute, and I still can't pull myself out of this damn chair, out into the world and make something of this life. But maybe it's too late for me now. Time will tell... and I hate that saying more than anything, cause' all time does is tell you how little there is left of it.

"Don't you want somebody to love? Need somebody to love?"

Heartbeats

1.57 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I couldn't bring myself to write anything here tonight, even though I want to write a book with a thousand pages about how much I want you to be mine. There would be a thousand appendixes, each and every one giving you another reason why I need you, want you, love you. So instead I reached into my mind and brought up some dusty old memories, and made them into some lyrics for you. In Swedish this time. I hope you like them.

http://decemberskuggor.blogspot.com/2010/05/8-nastan.html