Alone, Together

"Dear diary".

I'm never gonna feel comfortable writing that.

So today's been kinda' productive. I stayed up all night listening to music, abusing cigarettes and coffee. In the morning I called some places I had to call, talked to my landlord about getting out of my old apartment earlier than planned, which seemed to work out fine. So, on March 16th, I'm officially homeless, and finally, no longer connected to Vaggeryd, that fucking shithole of a town. Been having some problems getting a decision from my unemployment fund, which makes it troublesome getting an apartment in Borås. No one wants to give a loser without an income an apartment these days, they require a "stable income". And I'm far from anything stable right now. After some more coffee me and Erik went to Skövde, which was kind of fun. We went to the mall, bought some stuff, and then went back, took a detour through Varnhem on the way back. I tell you, it's fucking impossible to find your way in that town. Got home, and made the decision to drop the plans about getting compensation from my unemployment fund, and instead decided to start studying again. Yeah, that's right - after three years of work, I'm going back to school. Ain't that something.

Heard a rumour today about me having physically abused Tina, which is ridiculous. I could never lift my hands to hurt a woman physically. Of course, if she isn't begging for it, of course. Even if a girl is using a bat to refurnish my face, I won't fight back. It's just one of those things you do not do. We're men, we're supposed to protect these ladies. I don't know where that rumour came from, but it made me pissed of. Also, this evening I recevied a message from her boyfriend to "back off". Made me smile, it's kind of cute, really. He reminds me of myself, but in a "lighter version". And if you're reading this - any of you two - I won't mess with your relationship. But I will never stop showing my feelings, even if they aren't responded, I still have the right to have them.

Yet another thing that has been bugging me today is the way I react when I talk to anyone from the authorities. Even if it is a simple operator at Telia, I'm like a scared little boy, sitting whit my phone in my hand, trying to be as correct and well-spoken as possible. And when I hang up, I look at my hands, and they're shaking so fucking bad. I can't explain why I feel this way, but it's really annoying. I'm better than them, so why should I get anxious every time I have a conversation with someone who is in authority. I don't feel like myself anymore, it's like everything around me is putting so much weight on my shoulders that I can't think straight anymore. And I'm constantly reaching out for someone to grab my hand and pull me out of this hell, but no one seems to get it. Why should I call out for help, when no one is there to listen? Remember ever getting lost as a small child in a big place, like a mall or an arena? Remember that feeling of hopelessness, the panic? It's exactly like that, only I'm 21 years old and should be able to take care of myself.

So, that's pretty much it for today. Been sleeping all afternoon, but I'm still tired, so I guess I will make an early night. Early for me, that is.

Oh, and one more thing - I still can't stop thinking about you. You're my sunlight, even though you have turned your light away from me and left me in the dark. Deep inside, you're still the light that's leading me home.

Night fellas'