No, You Don't

20.15 PM, Vaggeryd, Sweden

"Dear diary."

So I got back to Vaggeryd yesterday, and spent the whole day packing and moving furniture from my apartment to my parents home. Spent the whole night panicking and freaking out, cause' I had no alcohol or pills to silence the voices screaming inside my head. What's the point of sleeping if the nightmares you have while being asleep are as frightening as the ones you're having while you're awake?

Actually had some plans to get out and party with my friends down here tonight, but looks like I'll be trapped in my apartment all night since none of them give a fuck whether I show up to their party or not. I feel like I'm slowly starting to dissolve into a thin smoke that follows people around - people as in my friends - and I could as well be standing right in front them screaming at their face, and they still hear anymore than a distant scream. It's like I'm transparent, a wraith who desperately clings on to those who used to care about him, but now has their eyes focused on a whole different target.

Still, I have a feeling of relief at being away from everybody. If I could just disappear into some place, like this forgotten hell-hole, maybe I could find myself. My life is loud. Everywhere I go, people are talking to me, but nothing is as loud as the screams in my head. They are far off, distant, and I can't make out the words...

Unraveling, unsure, undetermined, unnecessary... this is what my life has boiled down to. I either have to stop or die... I can't straddle this fence any longer. I have taken into my lungs the longest breath of hell and I'm still here.

Gonna get drunk and pass out tonight... fleeing like a coward from the sweet things they whisper in my ear...

And I still miss her so fucking much...

Later...