"Dear diary."4 AM. Woke up a couple of hours ago from a nightmare, cold sensible and panicking from thinking it was real. I bet you've had one of those dreams yourself, when you actually feel real emotions even though you're dreaming. She was right there, as beautiful as ever, right in my arms. I could feel her lips against mine, feel her hands touch my skin. And then it suddenly starts to fade, the feeling disappears and I'm trapped in this huge cage, unable to escape, and is forced to watch her fade away. Stayed in bed for a while and tried to go back to sleep, but started shaking and went into an anxiety attack. Got up, had a beer and a cigarette, and now I'm sitting here in the dark alone. Erik went to Gothenburg yesterday so I'll be alone all weekend.
So about yesterday... I went to Borås as planned, arrived at 10 AM and met up with Jessica. We went to her school so she could attend her lesson and then leave. I hate being at schools, people just won't fucking stop staring. As soon as I got through the doors into the locker room, all eyes instantly went to look at me. I felt like fuckin' Jesus back from the dead from all that attention, but it made me feel so uncomfortable. A rockstar with stage fright, ain't that something? Ah, hell...
Anyway, felt good to be back in that town again. I really like the architecture and how the city's planned, the level differences and all the parks and little patches of green in the middle of all the concrete. As I anticipated, I also felt some anguish from remembering everything that has happened in that town. Guess I'm emotionally connected to that place in more than one way.
Around 2.30 PM I met up with Marlene and we went to a café to sit down and talk about what's been going on in our lives since we last met. I had a feeling I would feel really uneasy in her company, but it went fine. She has changed so much, in a good way. She still has that special something about her that made me love her the first time. Even if she has changed her style and appearance, she's still beautiful as hell. So we talked about pretty much everything, and at first, I felt nothing, but as the conversation drifted away into discussing my feelings for Tina and everything around that subject, I could not stop myself from feeling attracted to her once again. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and maybe it's just the memories fucking with my head, but it's not fair of me. She has her own life now, she has someone to love and who loves her back, and I should keep out of their way. I told her about how I feel like a little child who's lost and is desperately running around looking for someone to pick him up, hold him and tell him everything is going to be alright, and at that moment, I could see her eyes changing, and she seemed to be feeling sorry for me. But who knows, maybe I'm wrong.
But it was nice seeing her again, and she gave me a new perspective on quite some things. Thanks, sweetheart.
Afterwards we went down to town again, I was going to catch a bus back with Jessica and she was meeting up with her boyfriend. On the way back to Jessica as I was sitting on the bus, I suddenly felt a great pressure to my chest, and it felt like someone dropped a safe on my head. I felt dizzy, and had to concentrate not to drop my mask and freak out in front of everyone. Guess I couldn't handle being back in Borås after all. My demons didn't approve, at least, and gave me hell for it, throwing all the anguish and envious thoughts they could muster at me. I just couldn't manage to keep my face, so I knew I had to leave. Flee, like a coward, from everything that hurts, back to my safe haven where I can lie down, swallow as many pills as I can find, and silently drift away into oblivion where I won't have to face reality. And Jessica - I know you'll be reading this, so I apologize right away. There never was "something I had to do" in Falköping, I just panicked and had to get away as fast as possible. I know you're going to think "but you could have stayed here, I would have taken care of you" and that's really sweet of you, but it wouldn't have helped. You're boyfriend is a nice guy and I feel like we have a lot in common, but I just didn't feel comfortable showing him how much of a weak psycho I really am. And to be honest, I don't like showing that to anyone. So I'm sorry for lying to you about that, I hope you understand.
Went down to the station again to get on the train back, and as if it wasn't enough chaos going on already inside my head, guess who showed up? Yeah, that's right. She.
Afterwards we went down to town again, I was going to catch a bus back with Jessica and she was meeting up with her boyfriend. On the way back to Jessica as I was sitting on the bus, I suddenly felt a great pressure to my chest, and it felt like someone dropped a safe on my head. I felt dizzy, and had to concentrate not to drop my mask and freak out in front of everyone. Guess I couldn't handle being back in Borås after all. My demons didn't approve, at least, and gave me hell for it, throwing all the anguish and envious thoughts they could muster at me. I just couldn't manage to keep my face, so I knew I had to leave. Flee, like a coward, from everything that hurts, back to my safe haven where I can lie down, swallow as many pills as I can find, and silently drift away into oblivion where I won't have to face reality. And Jessica - I know you'll be reading this, so I apologize right away. There never was "something I had to do" in Falköping, I just panicked and had to get away as fast as possible. I know you're going to think "but you could have stayed here, I would have taken care of you" and that's really sweet of you, but it wouldn't have helped. You're boyfriend is a nice guy and I feel like we have a lot in common, but I just didn't feel comfortable showing him how much of a weak psycho I really am. And to be honest, I don't like showing that to anyone. So I'm sorry for lying to you about that, I hope you understand.
Went down to the station again to get on the train back, and as if it wasn't enough chaos going on already inside my head, guess who showed up? Yeah, that's right. She.
On her way to Varberg. The moment I saw her it was as if someone had stabbed my heart with a rusty knife. She looked great, hadn't changed a bit since I saw her last time. But I tried to be calm, not to look her way, and for some reason, I resisted to try and speak to her. To be honest, she seemed to feel more uncomfortable than me, standing just a few meters away, nervously playing with her cellphone and nearly running out to the tracks when her train arrived. Guess she thought I would stand up, pull out a knife and try to murder her. But I'm sorry baby, I'm not that guy anymore. You won't get the satisfaction of watching me freak out and become the person I was before. And I really thought she would be smart enough to figure out that I actually meant it when I said I respected her will, but as I got back to Falköping and logged in at bilddagboken, she had blocked me from viewing her profile. Now who's the fucking child here?
I guess that's my way of dealing with things. To wear a mask, a facade to shield myself from the realities of life, and keep that mask on whenever I need to expose myself to other human beings. When I'm sitting here by myself, with no one else around to keep me company but the demons in my closet (I can hear them scratching at the door, giggling, whispering...) I'm no longer wearing that mask. My body is dressed, but my mind is totally naked, but I know that as soon as another person enters the room, I'm not myself again. I smile. I laugh at their meaningless jokes. I try to conversate, but deep inside I feel the panic come creeping. There are few who've ever seen the real me, the person hiding behind the facade, and for some reason, these are the people I've hurt the most. Isn't that ironic? Maybe it's another of my hidden defence systems that I can't control that flashes the red light when someone gets too close and automatically makes me lie, cheat and hurt the feelings of that person so she abandons me and I'm back to sleeping with ghosts again. I don't know. I could sit here all night, writing down everything that's flying around inside my head right now, but when I wake up tomorrow, it's not going to make any sense anyway. So I'll stop right here, this is getting too fucking long...
Gonna find me something to help me fall asleep, hope I have some Imovanes left. They're my lil' dirty secret lovers, you know...
Gonna find me something to help me fall asleep, hope I have some Imovanes left. They're my lil' dirty secret lovers, you know...
"Night."
"Tell me what you think
"Tell me what you think
Tell me, am I sick?
Desperation, termination, rebuilt
Goodbye my dear
Defeated, deleted, it was a guilt"
Hejsan. Ehm jag känner inte dig och du känner inte mig. Men jag vet vad du går igenom, ungefär. Jag vet att du hört det här, men det gör mindre ont.. sen. Nån gång. Men det jag reagerar mest på är din ångest och så. Det står väl ganska klart att du hamnat i en kris som övergått i en depression.. jag var där.. jag är där. Typ. Du har aldrig funderat på att gå till en läkare? Och kanske få samtalsterapi och medicin. Jag vet inte hur du ställer dig till sådant. Men jag vet att saker blir lättare. Det gör inte lika ont att falla för fallet är inte så hårt. Jag kan till och med glädja mig åt saker. Det behöver inte vara såhär illa. Jag vet inte vad som hänt och hur du varit osv. Men man kan alltid bättra sig precis som du skriver att du försöker. Och ett steg på den vägen är kanske att ta tag i problemen innan de går alldeles överstyr. Det gjorde mina problem. Jag var ett steg från avsatsen.. men jag bad om hjälp och idag mår jag bättre och jag har insett att man måste släppa taget. Och tro mig jag vet hur svårt det är att älska någon som inte älskar en tillbaka.
ReplyDeleteJag vill inte lägga mig det hoppas jag att du förstår. Men jag verkligen avskyr att se på när någon mår så som du gör..
hm..
I alla fall tänk över det. Även om du vill känna smärtan så kan man i alla fall få bort ångesten och paniken..
Ta hand om dig. Okej!?
Jag har försökt det där med att prata med någon. Och det är deras jobb att hjälpa. Och de har pratat, de har medicinerat och gjort allt de kunnat. Det sista min senaste psykolog sa till mig var "Vi kan inte längre gör något för att hjälpa dig, för innerst inne vill du inte bli hjälpt."
ReplyDeleteSå jag är rädd att det alternativet redan är använt. Tack för din omtanke :)
Fast då är det ju för att du inte vill bli hjälpt. Men du skriver ju nu bland annat om att du försöker bättra dig. Har du provat nu efteråt? När du slagit in på din nya väg?
ReplyDeleteNÅT MÅSTE GÅ ATT GÖRA! :)
Visst vill jag bli hjälpt, men det är kanske någon omedveten spärr som gör att jag inte tar emot någon hjälp - eller mår bättre av den, för hittills har jag inte fått någon positiv effekt på någon av den "vård" som erbjudits.
ReplyDeletePå grund av det har jag blivit ganska skeptisk till allt vad läkare och mediciner heter, då tar jag hellre ångesten och smärtan för att känna att jag lever på riktigt.
Jodå, det går, men det förutsätter att vissa människor tänker om lite...
Ursäkta att jag lägger mig i, men jag måste säga att jag tycker det var dåligt av din psykolog att säga att de inte kan göra något mer för dig, jag förstår vart han ville komma, men någonting mer måste de väl ändå kunnat göra... Jag vill bara säga att jag känner igen mig i det där att ha en mask på sig när man är bland människor, man vill inte att de ska se vem man egentligen är för risken är, som du säger, att man särar sina nära och kära om man tar bort masken. Jag är också där..
ReplyDeleteFörlåt, jag vet egentligen inte vart jag vill komma med det här, jag vill säga så mycket men nu.. försvann det.
Det är nog skit samma, vem är jag att säga detta, jag känner ju inte dig, men jag lyssnar, om du någon gång skulle behöva prata med en vilt främmande människa.
Jag klandrar dem inte, det var den fjärde som försökte, och jag antar att de gjort vad de kunnat.
ReplyDeleteTack :)
Nja, kanske inte, men ja... Jag tycker ändå som jag tycker. Ibland känner jag bara att psykologer och ja.. såna som ska hjälpa en att må bättre och fatta själv vad som händer, att de ger upp alldeles för lätt. Allt ska vara så fokuserat på individen idag.. Tro mig, jag vet. Men men, ja, jag vet inte.
ReplyDeleteNo worries :)
Hej sötaste,
ReplyDeleteförlåt
jag önskar att du kunde prata med mig...
men jag förstår
helt och fullt,
jag finns dock alltid här, även om du inte ser mig är du aldrig ensam. Du betyder sötaste, du är vacker både utanpå och inuti, tro mig jag vet - jag känner dig efter vad... tre år?
Ta hand om dig och du bestämmer exakt hur länge du kan vara här åt gången, förlåt för att jag pressade dig. Fyra månader är en lång tid, det var svårt för mig att se dig åka och svårt för dig att vara här.
Det jag försöker säga är att du lever ditt liv, du gör som du vill - och jag stödjer ditt beslut.
Ta hand om dig,