But my heart's of gold

03.30 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

I'd like to start with a message to all of you poor people who are actually reading this nonsense... I have a clear intention of being 100 % honest about my life and what's going on in it. After all, this is a space where I can ventilate my thoughts, and it is mostly for my own sake. I chose to make it public so anyone foolish enough to actually take some interest in my life could read about what's going on inside my head and in my life. If you intend to - or already are - getting involved in my life in any way, you can expect to also be mentioned here. If you don't want to be mentioned, just tell me, and I'll consider it. With that said...

Today has been interesting. Fell asleep around 10 AM, slept until 2 PM. Got up, had a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Spent the rest of the day doing nothing special, watching TV, doing some laundry, messaging with some random people on my mobile phone. No brain activity whatsoever, and I guess it was just one of those days when I can't seem to get anything done that requires some brain activity.

Now to the interesting part. I've told you about this girl I met a couple of weeks ago, diary. Since then, we've continued speaking via msn and various community sites, and have gotten to know each other more and more. I'm not saying I know her, 'cause that would be a lie - but we have a lot of things in common. Now it has gotten to the point where I think I'm about to make one of my famous mistakes once again - rushing into something a little bit too fast. As always, I fall in love too easily. And every time I do, it feels like something entirely different and stronger than last time. I really can't tell what I'm feeling, but she touches something inside of me that I can't simply ignore and forget. Our conversation this night ended with her saying some very special words, words that made my heart skip a few beats in pure confusion. And I know you're reading this, and baby, please forgive me if I'm wrong about all this. But I'd love to let you fix my heart. Maybe you're the one.

I've never liked to be the one who makes the decisions. I'm never the first one to ask "Are we a couple?" or "Do you love me?", even though the words are aching to be told, I just can't seem comfortable with uttering them. If my mind was cooperating with me tonight, maybe I could give a deeper explanation, but until then you'll have to do with "I don't know why."

No pills tonight. That's right, no chemicals at all. It feels strange, and I can feel the chaos creeping around in the corners of my mind, but somehow they do not dare come out into the light. And I think I know just the reason for that... thank you. You make me smile.

Malfunction. Gotta stop.

Night people

You got here just in time
To let me know I was worth saving
It's nothing more than for the heart
Too proud to breathe
But I'm too scared to say the things worth saying
Who knew this trip would be this hard?

As I'm looking to the sky to count the stars
I wonder if you see them where you are
I'm down on both my knees and pray tomorrow brings no pain