We're no here

04.40 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

You shouldn't be writing here when you're this fucked up.
Yeah, I know. I know. Just shut up, will ya?
Alright, alright... but don't say I never warned you... geeze...

I've been spending my whole day sleeping. Went back from my parents home yesterday, when I got to Falköping again at 8.30 AM I had to rush to the job centre for an appointment, after that I went home and passed out on the couch. Woke up around 4 PM when Erik came home, and then went back to sleep again, and finally woke up around 12 AM. Since then I've been spending my time in front of my computer. I woke up from a nightmare, screaming out into the cold air. I was lucky Erik wasn't home by then, or he would've wondered what the fuck was wrong with me. Got up, stumbled around in the dark for a while trying to stop my head from spinning, found my pills and just stuffed as many as I could into my mouth, trying to silence the voices screaming inside my head.

They worked, but not without an unpleasant side effect. I feel strange. I can't feel my heart beating, it is as if someone has wrapped it with cotton. My skin is cold, yet I feel a comforting warmth throughout my entire body. My vision is limited, when I watch my screen I can't see anything else but the bright light coming from it, both causing pain and sensation inside my head. I'm wearing my headphones, listening to The All American Rejects... I think... but the sound is distant, and I'm sure it's not the headphones that are broken. It's strange... 'cause I know I'm hearing things that aren't there. There's no one sitting in the kitchen, saying those things. I'm alone. I know I'm alone.... or am I? Maybe they're hidden, under the bed, in the cupboards, in the shower.... hidden, just waiting for me to pass out from exhaustion, and then attacking me when I can't defend myself. I'm afraid...

The chemicals inside my brain have opened up the door, once again letting thoughts spill out like armies marching to their doom. Everything's spinning, my whole world has become stuck in a whirlwind, a downward spiral. Fragments of thoughts spiraling through my mind, each one like a beautiful painting, containing everything from her smile to the chaos that's inside. Her existence is a comfort in this reality of mine. I know I'm doing it again, letting my feelings run wild, and once again I know I'm gonna hurt when those walls I'm building around my heart collapses once again from the weight my mind puts on top of them. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it.

I found a doll. Not one of those dolls someone neglected and threw away in a dark corner, but a doll someone has loved and cherished. They have given her beautiful clothes, painted her skin with the most beautiful pale shade, and made her eyes out of stars and filled them with galaxies. They made her smile out of the most beautiful diamonds the world had ever seen, and inside her head, they put a childs mind, and enchanted it with all the wisdom she could ever need. Inside her ribcage, they put a heart made of pure gold, shining and glimmering like the stars above her on a cold winter night. She calls me beautiful, and I know it's a lie. But it's the best lie I've ever heard. I want to make that doll mine. So bad... I would name her starshine, 'cause her beauty is so blinding. You'll see - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SvmyUq6R6w

After all, it's all star shine. It's forgotten lines and tired memories. Sad eyes lingering a moment too long. We are forever-spinning, natural disasters. Everyday is the rest of your life slowly fading into a photograph. We can look back on it and... It's all star shine. It's names on a list & coins in your pocket. Bright as the sun. Certain to explode. We are forever-falling, heart attacks. Every second that passes looks back on days that were once possibilities. We hold our breath and... It's all star shine. It's cowering under covers. Hiding from a secret you kept for yourself. We are forever-blinking, star shine. Every dream, light-years dead.

Lovers embrace with a wish and...