No pity on the ants

02.50 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Diary - ladies and gentlemen - we've got ourselves a drummer.

That's right, me and basstard went to Jönköping today to meet up with Makkey, a drummer we met a couple of weeks ago. We sat down and had a coffee, discussed music, and soon it became very clear that we share the exact same vision, we're on the same level in pretty much everything. He has the same dreams - to make it big, to make music that reaches out to people, and to enjoy the rock n' roll dream in full scale, with all it's benefits, ups and downs. So tomorrow I'm gonna make some calls and get us a rehearsal space in Jönköping, and next weekend (hopefully) we'll be having our first reh together, and to make things simple, we'll start off with covering a Kiss song - Strutter.

I can't really tell you how excited I am about this right now - it's part of my dreams becoming real, and even though this is just the beginning - after all he's not our official drummer yet - I'm psyched about all the stuff that's gonna happen. We can finally start writing real songs, and if everything goes as planned, we'll be having our record out by the end of the summer. We even discussed what I and Johan have talked loosely about before - that if we make it in Sweden, we'll pack our shit and set of to the land of the free - U.S., to Hollywood, and to fulfill our dreams. And he didn't seem frightened by that idea, instead he was as psyched about it as we were. And that's just what we need - our own T-Bone.

Except that, things have been kinda' calm as of lately. I spent most of the time at my parents house working on some stuff, painting, working on the farm and so on... it really is the only thing that can prevent me from freaking out there. The isolation of being so far out in the open country is usually enogh to set off some panic attacks, but this time was different. But as I'm back in Falköping again, sitting here in the dark, things are changed. As soon as Erik closes the door to his bedroom and I'm alone, the demons wake up from their slumber, and start tripping around in the dark corners in my mind, their claws scratching against the surface of my thoughts. They start whispering, at first so quiet that I can barely hear it, but as time passes, their voices become louder, and the things they say... are too dreadful to be written in words.

Still to this day I have not found anything that completely shuts them out, and leaves me in silence. A lot of things can relieve the pain - among them alcohol and drugs - but I haven't found anything that cantruly make them go away. But my eyes are open, constantly searching for the piece that's missing in my puzzle, and I can't count the times I thought I'd found her, but was wrong as she ripped out my heart and threw it on the ground. But there's someone... someone that makes my heart pound so fast that it could burst out of my chest at any time. She's beautiful, smart, funny, and has this certain sense of self-control about her that makes me wild. And of course... as always for me... she's off-limits. You always go after the things you can't get, right? Damn right.

So for now, I consider music my girlfriend. She never disappoints me, she's always there, ready to comfort my mind and help me through hard times. If I could only convert music into flesh and bone... I'd convert Mötley's "Looks That Kill" and G n' R's "Rocket Queen". What a woman that would have been.

Enough of my shit-chat, I gotta try and get some sleep. I'm outta pills so that's not gonna work out... I'll settle for a cup of coffee and a cigarette instead...

Later