Leaving hope

06.05 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Yeah, yeah... I know, I've neglected you again. No need to give me that "you-don't-care-about-me-talk". I've been busy, that's all. No affairs or anything, just busy. So let me give you a small update on the last few days, at least what I can remember about them...the alchol intake was massive, to say the least;

Thursday (April 30th, that is):

Went to Borås, met up with Jessica and her boyfriend. We chilled at her house for a while and I had a couple of drinks, then we took the bus downtown, catched another bus (which was packed with drunk teenagers, by the way) and went to Kypesjön, which is a lake and a popular bathing place. This particular day a whole shitload of teenagers, celebrating Walpurgis Night, was all over the place. I had a great time, partying with some of Jessica's friends, and among them there was this particular girl... I couldn't take my eyes off her for the whole evening, just so stunningly beautiful. As the evening proceeded, I found out from Jessica that this girl was one of "T"'s best friends, and that made things more complicated. To put things simple - she had hated me, of course, because of all the shit T had told her about me. So I instantly realized she was out of my reach. Also met Marlene for a short moment, felt awkward as usual... we really don't have much to say to each other any longer... It's the same old "I miss you." - "I don't miss you, move on." talk we've been through so many times. So I ended up sleeping at Jessicas boyfriends house just outside Borås, and spent the following morning and day in their company. Thanks, guys, you rock.

Friday:

First I intended to stay in Borås, but things got complicated, I freaked out, and had to go back home. And I know you're aching to hear the reason why... so what the hell - I found out T wasn't with her pretty boy in Varberg, as usual during the weekends, but back in Borås and she was throwing a party. Of course I wasn't invited, and maybe it's better that way. It would have ended upp in bloodshed if I had turned up. The worst part wasn't that she was having a party (which she by the way never had during our relationship) but that Johan, my faithful basstard, partner in crime and best friend, and his girlfriend was going to be there. And believe me, diary, if theres anything T wants, it is to steal my friends and make them into her allies so she can continue waging her sick fucking war against me. So, I left. I had no choice, as I felt the panic come creeping through my veins. So instead, I spent the night in Falköping, drinking my troubles away, spending time in the company of whoever I could find, just to escape from the loneliness. Thanks, bitch.

Saturday:

Woke up with an awful hangover, can't remember most of the day. In the evening Natalie came to town, we had decided to fight our mutual loneliness by keeping each other company through the night, which was a great idea. Erik and I invited some people over, we had a couple... I mean, a lot of drinks (oh...absinthe...the Devil...) and I ultimately fell asleep beside Natalie after an interesting and enjoyable form of... "exercise". Thanks for the company, we gotta do that again sometime soon.

Sunday:

Spent the whole day hungover and tired, a typical Hangover Sunday, far too common in my world... Followed Natalie to the train station, dropped her off and went home again. And here I sit, early morning, as usual. Not feeling good at all.

Once again the words fail me. I can't seem to find the proper words to explain what's currently going on in my mind, and it pisses me off so bad. I just want to bang my head into the nearest wall, forcing it to cooperate with my fingers and the letters. But to use simple words - I think too much. I worry too much about everything, thoughts are spinning around inside my head, too fast to even try and decipher or understand them. I know what I need, but I can't tell anyone. I know what I seek, but the map is unreadable to anyone but me.... ah, fuck, I can't continue. I'll get back to y'all when my mind is clear...

Night' ladies