A premonition

8.11 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• various NIN, The Spill Canvas and Placebo songs

Dear diary,

Early morning... or not so early, actually. Still awake, not really tired but I'm gonna try get some sleep anyway. Today's been pretty good, spent some time with Jessica, she helped me bleach my hair once more, and later on the night I followed her home. As always, it felt nice to be walking through the city at night. Feels rejuvenating, and at the same time I get this feeling that there are so many things I want to do, but I lack motivation and time to do them all at the same time. That same feeling applies to pretty much everything I carry out. I create new dreams every day, sometimes every hour, new things I want to learn more about, new quests to embark upon... it feels like I need a thousand replicas of myself to be able to carry out all these things. I envy the people who seem to have everything in control. People who can focus on one thing, get it done, and then move on to the next task. I can't do that... I never could. Maybe it's because of the confusion inside my head... if I could just find some peace for myself, maybe I could realize all these dreams I have.

So today I've also been thinking of getting a new band together here in Borås. Not a new band with the intention of competing with the band back in Jönköping, they're still my number one priority, but more of a side project. I've always liked bands like The Goo Goo Dolls, The Spill Canvas, The All American Rejects (a lot of "The's"!) so that's the style and sound I'm looking to create... more of a soft rock-oriented sound with a lot of acoustics and semi-ballads. Heartbreaking lyrics, the occasional punk rock-vibe... real classic. You don't see bands like that come along very often in Sweden, and since Borås own "music scene" is quite dysfunctional, they could need some new blood. Jessica's boyfriend seems to be a great musician with similar taste in music, so I think I'll start with asking him. Also I've been having this talk with my friend Dennis for years about starting a band together. We've been close to forming something many times, but there's always been something missing out. He's playing in several bands today, so maybe the timing is bad, but he's a genius when it comes to writing and arranging music. I find myself fantasizing about how we would sound if it all came together alright... something like "As I Lay Dying-meets-Atreyu-meets-Pantera-meets-The Agony Scene", and in my ears, that would sound fucking great. It would feel awesome to be able to express the different sides of myself in different projects, a soft rock band for the hopeless romantic in me, the glam/sleaze band for the rock n' roll outlaw with a taste for sex, drugs and rock n' roll, and the metalcore band for the raging bull-mentality I get sometimes. I would be a happier person if I could just get to play all the things I love to listening to.

Ah... but you probably don't give a fuck... and why should you? I don't blame anyone for skipping a lot of text, it's probably more boring than watching grass grow... But I'll just write a few more last words.

- I miss my girl. Badly.
- Something ain't right. I can feel it.
- I feel lost.
- These dreams I've been having are more disturbing than ever.
- I'm thinking of starting with therapy again.
- And last, but not least - I need some god damn clarity.

"I want you to lead me
Take me somewhere
Don't want to live
In a dream one more day"

In Flames - Come Clarity