Heartbeat

1.48 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Kid Down – Heartbeat

Dear diary,

I can't take it anymore. This chaos has got the best of me, hell, it has got all of me... I'm feeling it right now, the panic, the anguish, the pain. It drives me more insane than ever. I can't stand being rejected, being ignored, it burns a hole straight through my sanity, turning me into a monster. And nobody could ever love a monster. She blocked me on yet two more sites, and every time I find out, it starts welling up inside of me, a black cloud, poisoning my thoughts. I can't stand being ignored, can't stand being rejected and treated like fuckin' trash. Can't stand the loneliness eating away at my soul. Can't stand the thought of everyone else getting to have everything I want, the envy is choking me to death. I can't live like this. I can't. There's a quote that goes;

"Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. "

And it's so true, cause' most of it has sucked, and it's only getting worse. Nothing's gonna get better in the end, so I'm leaving this cinema now. This time I'm taking the whole bottle. See you all in Disneyland.

Jaded

4.02 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Guns N' Roses – Estranged

When you took everything
Said you took everything from me

Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now

Dear diary,

Well, that would be me, wouldn't it? Maybe not, but for now, I'm the narrator in this twisted tale. Yours truly is too fucked up to write anything tonight, so I'll be the good samaritan. He got himself burned again, found photos of that girl Emmelie he banged for almost a year. She has a new boyfriend, and it was too much for him, and he broke down. Weak son of a bitch. And as usual, he tries to take me with him in the fall, but by now, the chemicals only make me slightly more mad than usual. I'm immune to that stuff, which makes it so much more fun to torment him in his helpless state. I'm gonna see what sick dreams I can pull out tonight. It's gonna be fun watching him suffer, knowing that yet another girl has slipped out of his hands, into the hands of someone better. Another loss. Another defeat. As if he ever could win, nothing he does makes any difference, it only pushes people further away. And all that remains is the vast loneliness. Lucky thing he still has me...

Now get lost. It's gonna be a long night...

Solitude

11.55 PM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

 Hardcore Superstar – Standin' On The Verge

Yeah, I need someone
Need another soul
Restless, hopeful and a heart of gold

 Dear diary,

Been a busy weekend, so I haven't had any time to write in you. My drummer and my guitarist have been here all weekend, in their company I can't be the same person I am when I'm talking to you. No one would want to spend their time with someone like that, so instead I try to laugh it all away. But I really enjoy being with those guys, we feel solidified as a band already, each of us just weird enough to make it all work out. Went to a Halloween party last night, had a great time even though I had to sleep alone again, had kinda hoped for a special girl to join me. Well, whatever, I'm moving soon so that was her last chance. Let's move on, shall we?

I've spent the evening packing since I'm moving out on Saturday, so everything has to be put in boxes. I have a weird feeling inside. Every time I have moved it has been for the sole reason of survival, for the sake of moving on and not getting stuck in the same place - a thing that I'm still terrified of. To get stuck, to not be able to get out. To paint yourself into a corner. I always need an exit, or more than one if possible. My exit right now is to move back to the same place that has caused me so much pain in the past, but somehow I don't feel the same way about it anymore. It feels like a relief to get out of this place, and it's not associated with too much heavy feelings or anguish. Feels like a new beginning, but we'll see. Might just be another trap.

 Had a coffee with Cecilia last Friday, was a bit nervous about it since it was the first time I met her while being completely sober. I know, I know, it's pathetic to have known a person for about a year without having met her sober... but it was really nice. We've had our arguments and differences, but now it seems like we can finally accept that we are so different, and instead focus on being friends. I need more friends, for sure. The solitude I often long for is only enjoyable if I choose it myself, not when it's forced on me when I need it the least. But I'm hoping that's gonna change in the near future as well, I know at least one person in Borås who doesn't mind keeping me company through the nights. 

Well, I should get back to packing... or trying to sleep, or whatever... Still can't get my thoughts of Z out of my mind. But the demons have been kinda quiet, I guess I'm on my way to a new manic period... Let's just hope it lasts. Later.  

P.S 

Forgot to mention that we got the apartment we applied for. Fuck yeah.  

Sing me back home

02.02 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
 
Alter Bridge – Watch Over You


Snow is on the ground
Winters come
You long to hear my voice
But I'm long gone 

Dear diary,

Pardon my absence, I've been keeping busy down at the farm, which is not the right place to write in you. Physical work makes me tired enough to fall asleep early, and though it doesn't stop the nightmares, it gives me more sleep than usual. Not much is new, except that I'm getting out of my apartment on the 15th on November, great news. That means I'll be getting a portion of my rent back, sorely needed right now since I'm already selling everything I have of value to pay all the bills. Can't keep this up forever, sooner or later the bills are gonna stack up and I'll be back in debt for another three years. So sick of this, just give me a job...

Also having trouble finding an apartment in Borås, time is not on our side right now, but I'm determined on moving in on the 1st of December, whatever it takes. I've stopped hoping that she would actually see me then, a month from now is a long time, and she has probably found someone else by then, if she hasn't already now. I don't even know why I want to see her again, we both know we can never be together, but it's just one of those situations where you gravitate towards another person without being able to avoid it. There's new people in my life as well, and maybe I won't be single then myself, not that it would stop her from seeing me since she has no feelings left, and hasn't been having any for a long time as well...

I'm restless tonight, as every night. There's nothing or no one here to keep my mind busy, so it takes control by itself... and we all know what that means...

Damn right we do... I'm coming for you. 

The sinner

02.02 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
 
Bullet For My Valentine – Say Goodnight

I live my life in misery
I'd sacrifice this world to hold you 
No breathe left inside of me  
Shattered glass keeps falling

Dear diary,

It's gone quiet. For now, at least. I'm desperately searching for some clarity amidst this chaos, but no matter how hard I try, the haze won't lift from my eyes. I'm lost in a freezing blizzard, walking aimlessly across a neverending, snow-covered landscape. I see small glimpses of light in the horizon, but when I try to follow them they flicker and disappear. The hunger tears through my body, but it's a hunger not even the greatest of feasts can satisfy, I hunger for something more, something undefined, yet so familiar to me, though I do not know its name. 

Moments like these I pause for a while, take a deep breath, and then try to let it all out. Trying to spill every last thought in my mind, only to discover that no thought stays focused long enough to actuallt get it out before it disappears. I guess it's my curse, my burden to bear. Never being able to form anything out of what goes on inside my mind. I smile, I laugh, I play their stupid games, but for what? Only to go home alone, and find myself locked inside my head again, a dark, lonely prison where the warden wears a mask that bears the resemblance of my own face, but twisted and distorted, covered in shadows and bits of decayed skin. He only lets me out when I need to do something for him, working for nothing else than the promise of being locked away again at the end of the day. And I do it freely, because here, I am safe. Safe from anyone who tries to get in, the gates are closed and locked with so many locks no one has bothered to keep the keys to all of them, and those who have tried haven't made it far, the whole prison is full of traps and enemies, ready to tear innocent rescue teams apart. Here, I am safe. Nothing can hurt me, except myself, and it's a familiar kind of pain. After all this time, it has become more of a friend to me. Always ready to give me what I deserve.

It's gone quiet. But I know it's the calm before the storm, and it might strike fast. When I lay my head down on my pillow and close my eyes, I can hear the chains rattling deep down inside, the demons are pulling their shackles, getting ready to emerge from the depths to rain down fire on my mind, polluting my thoughts with visions of her with someone else, whispering to me how easily I was forgotten. I try to fight back, with chemicals I can't even pronounce the name of, x's and o's, bottles and pills. Their voices become distant, but they never, ever fade away completely. Always there, hiding somewhere in the dark corners, singing sick lullabies just loud enough to seep through the wall of meds I have built. I feel my heart pounding, even though it's supposed to do exactly the opposite. I guess the medical companies didn't include that in the list of contents. I know I shouldn't, I know it very well could be the end of me, cause' everyone keeps telling me so, but it's the only weapon I have left in this losing battle. Until I find a better one, or until the day of defeat, this'll have to do.

Not much is happening right now, just a lot of waiting as usual. Looks like I'll be able to get out of my apartment on the 15th of November, great news since I'll be getting back a portion of my rent that I paid for this month. I could use every single penny right now, desperate times when it comes to cash right now. I just need enough to pay off the first month's rent in our new apartment, then everything will have to work out in some way after that. It's just another adventure, one that I look forward to. But this waiting is driving me mad. Or madder than usually at least... 

 

Vargtimme

03.01 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;


Waylon Jennings – Burning Memories

My heart to you no longer matters
And I can't live alone with memories
Into the fire those dreams that you've shattered
And when the smoke is gone then I'll be free

Dear diary,

Yeah, feels more sincere calling you that. Except the fact that everyone can read my own personal diary, you're pretty much the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane. Waylon couldn't have said it any better, I need to burn my memories of her, even if it means that I have to throw myself into the fire. I guess I wouldn't get a fancy funeral, but people always seem to be better when they're already dead and buried, people only tend to remember the good things. I guess there isn't much of that to remember though. Anyway, been spending some time on the farm the last couple of days, that's why I haven't posted anything here. Just been keeping busy with the usual work, reparing the buildings, doing some driving for the neighbors. Not that exciting, but physical work keeps your mind occupied for a while. It's when I go to bed all hell breaks loose.

I still get severe panic attacks thinking about the fact that I have no means of seeing what she is doing. She has blocked me pretty much everywhere, little cunt that she is, so I won't even find out if she already found a new guy. I guess I'll find out eventually, but then it's gonna be too late for any action from my part. The meds aren't working, they're only making me dizzy, and I fear I'm gonna overdose again. I'm amazed I'm still breathing, even though I really don't want to. But someday it's gonna be night-night, one pill too many, one drink too many. Not that I do it on purpose, I just seem to gravitate against a fate that I've welcomed long ago. Who knows, I might even make it into the 27 club. Maybe then she'd remember me. Maybe then she'd care.

You're only foolin' yourself again, pal. Your long forgotten, not a single thought in her mind is spent on you. Didn't you hear me? She got over you so quick, you were so easy to forget. Nothing you has was special, every single day of those three years was forgotten about in a matter of days. All the time you spent together, all thos nights, all the crazy sex, all of it sums up to nothing. She wants nothing to do with you, because you're a fucking disaster. Everywhere you go you bring a darkness with you that suffocate people around you, a cloud of poisonous, invisible gas.

We both know where that cloud comes from, but you're right. Again.

Damn right I am. And don't fool yourself into thinking everything's gonna be better when you move. You're gonna call, she's gonna answer and tell you she's happy with someone else, you're gonna panic and here we go with the fucking pills again. Maybe even get a few rigs and do it the old fashioned way? That would be a great way to go, and you wouldn't feel a thing. But you're too much of a coward for that, ain't ya? 

I'll let you think that for now. I'll show you.
Well, gotta try and get some sleep, meds already taking effect. I can already hear the cracked voices calling for me, waiting to torment me in my dreams. Tomorrow I'm gonna see W.A.S.P on their stop here in town, it's gonna be great meeting some people. I'll try to dress properly, getting noticed is always nice. And I won't have to sleep alone tomorrow, maybe she'll make some of the monsters keep their distance. I can't take this much longer.

Lone gunman

10.50 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Katatonia – My Twin

I think of love
I let it pass
It feels like fire
But it won't last

Been up since 4 AM, was supposed to take a powernap around midnight but as usual, I slept for a couple of hours instead. My whole body is still shaking from the nightmares I've been having, and I feel weak. My life is all about waiting right now, and I'm the most impatient person there is. Waiting for someone to call about my apartment, waiting for someone to take my old one off my hands, waiting for someone to come into my life and make it all worth it again. Sick of it.

Guess I should get back to putting all my belongings in boxes, ready to move on to the next destination. Over and out.

Time after time

 3.55 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Bon Jovi – Born To Be My Baby


Too drunk, really, but I'm gonna give this a shot.

Still thinking about her, but all of a sudden there's a new face in my dreams. I can't really say if she's something I'd like to have in my life, but she sure shines through the rain. And those dead butterflies at the bottom of my stomach at least get some of their former vitality back.

Newsflash; probably found an apartment in Borås, a nice 3-room apartment with 2 walk-in closets and 2 bathrooms. Should be awesome, now for some unbearable waiting before they call and want us to sign the contract. Over and out.

This came as a surprise. Unexpected turn of events. Damn it.

I'll see you in my dreams

4.10 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

The Dangerous Summer – Where I Want To Be

I wish you'd try to save me
Your silence makes me crazy

I should be sleeping by now, I can barely keep my eyes open. Did something bad again, popped a couple of pills, and I'm afraid they're gonna start messing with my heart again. Ever since the accident it hasn't been working properly, I had regular chest pains for a year after, but they've become more unusual since then, until now. The amount of meds I've been stuffing in my mouth the last month is frightening, just to get by, just to forget and maybe, just maybe, to stop breathing. It is at this time the demons usually come out in full force, out of hiding. They've been lurking around in the shadows the whole evening, and they know now is the time to strike. I'm weak, weak because I can't stop my mind from unraveling. I'm thinking about her again, what she's doing, and who she's with. If he's better than me, smarter, funnier, prettier... which is probably the case. Who would want this sorry piece of shit.

Right on, bro. Now you're starting to see my side of this story. You're right, she's probably spending the night in someone else's bed. Happy with someone else. Stings, doesn't it? It's supposed to. A constant reminder that you're worthless, just a big fuck you to everything you've tried to become, but failed miserably at. You know she doesn't give a damn about you anymore, she's moved on, and for her it was so easy. She just forgot about you and all your time together in a matter of days. Gone. You, on the other hand, will be stuck here forever. Forever.

You're right. But still... I can't stand the thought of someone else having what I want so badly, rubbing it in my face every second of my life. These thoughts are driving me towards something I fear more than anything else, becoming something so vile... 

It's not love, dear.

Late october

 4.54 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

The Hillbilly Moon Explosion – My Love for Evermore (feat. Sparky Phillips)

We stood on a cliff in a starless night
I held your hand in my mine...
so stand by me with all your heart,
I need you by my side
 

I came back. Didn't believe it myself, but I guess this is my only way of finding my way back to a version of myself that had some creativity left in it. Should start reading more books in english as well, I fell like I'm starting to lose my ability to express myself, not only in english but in my native language as well.

As I'm writing this I've begun packing my belongings into boxes once again, leaving only the things I need until I move still unpacked. I've done this so many times by now, it has become a ritual to me. It feels like I'm taking all the anguish, fear and darkness that has been accumulating inside of me since I moved back into this town, and putting it into the boxes together with all the other stuff, and when I arrive in my new home I get a moment of clarity from all of it, since it's still inside the boxes. It's when I slowly start to empty the boxes that it creeps out again, seeping into every dark corner of my new home, ready to strike whenever I am vulnerable. I'll never get rid of those shadows, I know that for a fact, so I do what I can to stay away from them, but some of them are parts of me that I can't run from, so it's really no use.

Yesterday there was some dude here to check out the apartment, I really hope he takes it. In that case I can probably move out on the 15th of November, and then spend two weeks at my parents home and move into our new apartment on the 1st of December. It's always been like that for me, I have to take the decision and then act quickly, before I get stuck and spend months walking around my apartment like a ghost, longing to break the chains and move on. So for those of you who didn't know, my next destination will be Borås. Once again. I should have learned my lesson by now, with so much shit that has happened to me in that town, but for some reason I keep gravitating towards that place. This time I won't be living alone, my drummer is gonna join me, and hopefully my guitarist as well as soon as he has found a job there or some way of getting an income at least. Living together with the band probably is more of an advantage than a burden, I'm hoping that I will be so busy with becoming a rockstar that my demons won't even get the chance to mess with my head.

Oh, you really think that's gonna work? Hasn't been working that well in the past, has it? That's right. Useless.

Shut the fuck up, will ya? I'm trying here, for the first time in a very long while, trying to make some sense out of this. I'm gettin' pissed at myself here for being unable to let the words flow like they used to. Read back a couple of months last night and was blown away by the way I was expressing myself. Where did that come from, and why did it disappear? I'm gonna find out, that's for damn sure. It ain't over yet.


It's been over for a long time... you just won't admit it to yourself... I know she's gone, I heard her myself. She lied to you. She lied, because you're such a piece of shit. You don't deserve honesty from anyone, anyone but me. I'm your best friend, remember? I tell you the truth. She didn't. She's probably in some other guys bed right now, sleeping on his chest after they fucked all night, and he fucked her good, you know that. Better than you could ever dream of. And he tells her all those things you couldn't say because you were too scared, too fucked up, too bent on living that dream of yours that never came true. Oh, don't tell me about it, I've heard it all before. It's gonna get busy around here pretty soon, trust me. I ain't done with you. 

Back for more

6 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden


 Back from the dead, eh? Never thought I'd open up these pages again, not after last time at least. But I guess I have my reasons this time.

First of all, I have no friends left. At least no friends that I can share these secrets with, because they simply wouldn't understand. This leaves me in a solitude I have not chosen, yet it is something I will never find my way out of.

Second of all, I'm doing this simply to see if I still have it in me. The last few years I have watched my creativity crumble and disappear into nothing, leaving me completely dead inside and unable to make sense of anything. I look back on these pages and read my words, not recognizing them, as if they were written by a complete stranger. I look back, and I miss it. No matter how much I've suffered in the past, nothing comes close to being this numb, and I'd give anything to feel that fire in my veins one more time.

This time around, much is different. I've wandered down paths I never dreamed I would take, and yet, I come back to the same place I started, over and over again. The only thing that's changing is my demons. They take on new disguises, new names, but in their twisted, charcoal hearts, they are all the same. I fear they have become such a big part of me that it's not even me moving my fingers around the keyboard right now, that somehow they have taken control of my body.

I can't even start explaining what has happened since last time I posted here, it would take me a week. And I don't even want to explain, since explaining means I have to think about all of it, and that would probably kill me right now. My head is spinning already from just writing about it, and I'm losing focus. Fuck it, let's just see where this takes us. If you're reading this, because you're a friend (or an enemy) or just a random person stalking me, I'd suggest you start by reading the story thus far. It helps when it comes to understand this hell that my life has become. Enjoy.


Oh, I will... I will...

Like an infection

1.49 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Never thought I'd open up these dusty virtual pages again. Never thought I'd need to hear your voice echo through the empty halls of my mind. It wasn't supposed to be like this again, remember? I called it quits, I bailed out. I abandoned you before it was too late. And now I'm here, back on my knees, praying for someone to make the pain go away. It's no difference this time, yet it is different in a way. That feeling of numbness weighing down on me, suffocating me slowly, erasing every ray of light, and leaving only darkness behind. Complete, utter darkness. I live my life as a corpse, an empty shell of a man that was once so full of dreams, so full of hope... no more. I seem to have reached another turning point, or is it a dead end? I can't tell anymore.

I'm losing my grip. People slip out of my hands, out of my life, out of reach, out of sight. It's not that I don't know why - I know damn well why they leave - only the fact that I can't do a damn thing about it. Helpless, once again. I can't let anyone into my heart, into my mind, or into my soul. I just can't. Once they're inside, they'll hurt me like all the others, leave me broken down, defenseless. I have no other option, what I want to do has no effect on my mind, since it has made a decision. Letting people too close only hurts. That's why they leave. A hopeless crusade. A closed case. A waste of time. I can't feel what they feel. Can't see what they see. Can't force myself to take interest in any of them, except for the ones that appeal to my twisted side, and when they become out of reach, I rage. Rage at everything, a wrath that is uncontrollable, unstoppable, and leaves me with yet another lost friend. If I keep doing this, there won't be anyone left at all.

Time is drawing near, my dear. Didn't I tell you? Didn't I fucking tell you? You piece of shit. Worthless piece of shit. Ya really think anyone would want to be close to you? You said it yourself, you can't open your heart. It's closed. And it has been for a long time, I should know... I threw away the key. Embrace your fate, and stop whining.

I've given up hope once again. Nothing I thought would save me has been able to make any difference at all. I'm still here, square one. Haven't achieved anything since last time you heard from me. I know, I know, I promised myself I'd let go of all this drama... and just try to live without all this bullshit. Turns out it has become such a big part of me that I can't ignore it. It's almost like it's become a bigger part of me than myself. Like a cancer, mercilessly growing inside of me, twisting and mutilating my cells, turning them into broken shadows of my old self. Every time I close my eyes, everything starts spinning. I see my end drawing closer, fast. People leaving. People getting tired of not getting through. And all I can do is watch, almost like a horror movie. Why still hold on when you've already started falling?

Once again, dear friend... I told you so. There's never been anyone else but you and me. The memories? To hell with the memories, they're only scars that want to make themselves heard and bleed through again. They'll always be there, 'cause you're not making any new ones. You'll always be nostalgic, always wanting to reach out into the past and grab that shining light that was once your soul. Well, it's gone now, isn't it? It's just you and me, pal... you and me.

Until the bitter end.

Thanks for the memories

00.30 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Dear diary,

This breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. I've left my only comfort behind, let it slip right out of my hands. I can't stop shaking. Can't stop thinking. Just because I can't give her what she deserves, doesn't mean some other asshole is allowed to do it.

Somehow I feel like this is going to end with you having the time of your life together with someone you truly love, while I get stuck and left behind. Desperately wishing I didn't make this decision. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

"You can't break a heart that's stopped beating."

Dust devils and cosmic storms

11.21 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I'm sitting here with all the lights out, a couple of lit candles and a cup of tea. Trying to make it into some kind of evening ritual before I go to bed, to gather my thoughts and write something here. Today has been alright, left school before lunch today since I had nothing to do so I could as well go home and "study"... not much studying has been done, of course. Did some cleaning, way too dusty in here, and I'm beginning to think I'm allergic to dust, and it sucks... It means that it affects my singing, and since I'm already allergic to pollen it also means that I'm walking around with a running nose 360 days a year. Shit's fucked up.

I think I need to start reaching out for people more, instead of staying inside my shell to protect myself. I'm having trouble inspiring myself, or finding things that inspire me, perhaps there's some people out there who are able to light a fire inside me again? I can think of a few candidates already, people I've been talking to for a while, but never met. I've been stuck in this place for far too long, I need to get out and get some new views, see new places, meet new people. Maybe then, my armor will disintegrate and fall of me like autumn leaves, rusted pieces of my past and concrete from the wall that has surrounded me for far too long... sure, I won't let my guard down completely, that would be foolish. But this time around, a guard post at the gate will do... not some majestic impression of the wall of China.

Also... I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow being deceived. Something ain't right, I can feel it. I can't stand being everybody's fool. Anyway, time for bed... just a day and a half left in school this week.

Nowhere

10.06 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Woah. Almost 8 months since I last wrote in you. Have you missed me? I guess I've missed you too... but not enough to actually take the time to write a few words every now and then. So now I gently brush away the dust from your cover and pick up my virtual pen, and spill my soul on these blank pages...

...that is, of course, if there is any soul left in me to spill. I doubt it. But hey, first thing's first. Let's begin where we left off... I was living together with two friends here in town, but I moved out in February and now I'm currently living alone in my own 2-room apartment, just a couple of hundred meters away from my old one. Living alone is great, I can finally wander around naked without anyone screaming or fainting from the unpleasant sight. Also, I get that time alone that I need and can control myself when and how I choose to be around people. Apart from that... everything's pretty much the same. Well... I've started studying daytime now, welding. It's not that I'm actually planning to become a welder, I just need to survive. And to be honest, it sure as hell beats sitting at home all day long doing nothing. Plus, I'm actually quite good at it...

The band is going nowhere. We found ourselves a kickass drummer in November (yeah, I know... I've said this a couple of times before, but this time it's for real. He is everything I've been looking for in a bandmate.) and then got ourselves a lead guitarist in February this year, and since then we've actually begun writing a few songs, but things haven't been moving forward at all the last month. More about that later on.

Back to the pressing issue -and with the risk of sounding overly dramatic - I'm dead inside. It's true. If you'd split me in half, nothing but dust and corpses of dead moths would flow from my veins. How many times have we been through this? How many times have I told myself that I need to change, or bitched and moaned about me being unable to do so? I feel like a broken record, repeating myself over and over again. But this is for real. Back then, at least I could write about it. Now... nothing. Totally empty. No feelings. No emotion. No soul. Things that make other people cry or smile, leaves me unaffected. Indifferent. Unconcerned. Things that used to make my heart beat faster, now passes me by as gray matter. No wonder I can't create music, art or anything that requires any form of creativity.

Yeah, yeah... I fuckin' know what you're thinking. "Here he goes again, the sad clown trying to get some compassion from people around him." It ain't about that anymore. It ain't about trying to make others feel what I feel, or understand the things I go through. This time it's pure survival, without anything else blended into the mix. I don't get hurt, because there's nothing inside of me that can be damaged.

You can't break a heart that doesn't beat.


So I will keep trying... no - I will keep fighting. One step at a time, through this heavy mud, changing myself into what I need to be to take me to where I want to be. Maybe I'll fail this time too, and I'll keep posting these words until I grow old and die forgotten in some god forsaken hospital. Hopefully not.

And hey... it's good to see you again. And yes, you too...

Long time no see, bastard...

Hateful

10.11 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Dear diary,

I really can't control my anger anymore. It has reached the point where it gets real frightening, it takes just one wrong word to unleash it and it grows bigger than ever before, unleashing massive amounts of hate, anger and wrath. I can almost feel my blood boiling and my heart pounding, fists clenching... I know I could do what it makes me want to do, all the barriers have been breached and there is nothing left that would stop me... maybe the thought of spending the rest of my life in prison for mutilating some whore who probably had it coming anyway... but then they'll have to catch me first.

Leaving hope

8.27 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

So this is what it has boiled down to. An insight, as painful as a thousand razors running down the veins of my heart, yet it is a release. The events that led me to this conclusion have been both painful and a cause of great anger and hate. Now I know;

- I can't let people into my life because of everything that has happened in the past (consult earlier entries in this diary for explanation). Making new friends is impossible, everytime someone is starting to get close, I push them away. Hide.

- People I have considered as friends are no longer making sense to me. I have alienated myself from their life, or maybe it's the other way around? No one who knows me well wants to be around me, or lie to keep me under false pretence. I resent their actions, and have tried for far too long to endure their lies and fake smiles.

- My dreams and plans for the future all involve passionate people who are willing to burn together with me as one. As a result of my inability to engage in long-term relationships, this is impossible to achieve.

- I'm alone in this. No one feels like I do, no one can ever understand me, because I can never explain myself fully to anyone. This leads to solitude.

- Solitude means that my hopes and dreams are all in vain. Without any ability to share or explain them fully to another living being, they will remain in my head until the day I die.

- This insight leads me to the conclusion that because my dreams and plans for the future will never be realized, my life is worthless. Meaningless. Pointless.

- A pointless existense is redundant, and does not contribute in any way to the society or to himself, and therefore must cease to exist. Self-termination is the only option.

- Suffering within the lone individual will increase with time passed after the conclusion has been made. A quick decision and execution of before mentioned measure is of the essence.

- Since outside help can't be accepted because of my mental condition and various flaws in my personality, such offers will be firmly, but kindly ignored.



Looks like I've lost this battle against time. We all do, eventually, but this time it's my turn.

Night's sorrow

4 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,







I fucked up. Big time. Now I don't know what to do...

Away with these nightmares

4.05 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Should've been asleep by now, but instead I got stuck on some random video-page, watching fail-videos and random clips for about 3 hours. Total fucking waste of time. Which is all I do nowadays. Wasting time, wasting possibilities, wasting talent, wasting dreams - wasting life. And it has come to the point where I am totally helpless, I can't change the situation even if I wanted to, I lack the strength to drag myself out of this hole I've fallen into, which creates so much anger inside of me that I'm afraid I'm going to burst in a thousand pieces at any given moment. There is so much I want to accomplish, and time is running out. Let's face it - I'm worthless, and too damn proud to admit it to myself, so I'll keep on planning, keep on dreaming, keep on thinking that maybe one day I'll be strong enough to get to where I want, only to realize that it's too late - and has been for decades.

A bullet to my head would be the best solution, that way all this anguish, anger and suffering would end, and I'd take my dreams to my grave where they would rest peacefully for once. I'm so tired of this... so tired of everything.... just so tired...

Bad seed

11.51 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden


I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you



Can't take this any longer. I'm trapped. Behind bars.
No one... should ever be caged...