Wednesday, November 10, 2010


10.11 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Dear diary,

I really can't control my anger anymore. It has reached the point where it gets real frightening, it takes just one wrong word to unleash it and it grows bigger than ever before, unleashing massive amounts of hate, anger and wrath. I can almost feel my blood boiling and my heart pounding, fists clenching... I know I could do what it makes me want to do, all the barriers have been breached and there is nothing left that would stop me... maybe the thought of spending the rest of my life in prison for mutilating some whore who probably had it coming anyway... but then they'll have to catch me first.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Leaving hope

8.27 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

So this is what it has boiled down to. An insight, as painful as a thousand razors running down the veins of my heart, yet it is a release. The events that led me to this conclusion have been both painful and a cause of great anger and hate. Now I know;

- I can't let people into my life because of everything that has happened in the past (consult earlier entries in this diary for explanation). Making new friends is impossible, everytime someone is starting to get close, I push them away. Hide.

- People I have considered as friends are no longer making sense to me. I have alienated myself from their life, or maybe it's the other way around? No one who knows me well wants to be around me, or lie to keep me under false pretence. I resent their actions, and have tried for far too long to endure their lies and fake smiles.

- My dreams and plans for the future all involve passionate people who are willing to burn together with me as one. As a result of my inability to engage in long-term relationships, this is impossible to achieve.

- I'm alone in this. No one feels like I do, no one can ever understand me, because I can never explain myself fully to anyone. This leads to solitude.

- Solitude means that my hopes and dreams are all in vain. Without any ability to share or explain them fully to another living being, they will remain in my head until the day I die.

- This insight leads me to the conclusion that because my dreams and plans for the future will never be realized, my life is worthless. Meaningless. Pointless.

- A pointless existense is redundant, and does not contribute in any way to the society or to himself, and therefore must cease to exist. Self-termination is the only option.

- Suffering within the lone individual will increase with time passed after the conclusion has been made. A quick decision and execution of before mentioned measure is of the essence.

- Since outside help can't be accepted because of my mental condition and various flaws in my personality, such offers will be firmly, but kindly ignored.

Looks like I've lost this battle against time. We all do, eventually, but this time it's my turn.