Friday, December 28, 2012


0.07 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack; Mumford & Sons – Sigh No More

Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Dear diary,

I guess I've been neglecting you again. It's not on purpose... or maybe it is. I find it easier to hide what I'm really feeling when I'm not writing in you.

We both know what happens when you hold everything inside of you. It suffocates you, to the point where you feel your life slowly fading away, and you gasp for air, trying to reach for a hand that never will be there to grab you. You know that.

I know... and here I've been thinking I'm doing well the last few weeks, but it's all just accumulated and now I can't hold it in any longer. It hurts, it hurts like hell to see her so happy with someone else. There, I said it. Even though he's totally fuckin' hideous, it doesn't change the fact that he has what I wanted so bad just a couple of months ago. She'll always belong to me, no matter what happens. I've spent so much time getting under her skin, and now she ripped me out and threw me away, but I'll find a way back in again, I promise. The anger and hate still burns inside me, the desire for vengeance for what she did to me, the lies and the cowardly way of trying to get rid of me. I still hear people talking about her, they know exactly what I'm going through, cause' they can see so clearly what kind of fucked up person she is, it shines through whatever facade she is trying to put up. And still it's just a button to press to ruin the rest of her life. It might even be worth it just to see her suffer.

I can't argue with you on that, dude. She's a fucking monster, even I can see that. We should smack her around a bit, it would be fun, wouldn't it? A broken nose, some bruises? I'd laugh all the way.

Not very good for your reputation, beating women, ya know? Even if she'd deserve every punch.

The only think keeping me somewhat sane nowadays is her presence in my life. And still, I can't find the words to tell her how I feel, so afraid of being rejected. So many opportunities in my life have been wasted beacuse of that major flaw, not being able to handle being rejected. It's one of my biggest fears, and it's coming from my self-esteem being non-existent. It'd be such a hard blow to my ego, a blow which I might not recover from, ever. So I sit here quiet and wait, watching her every move like some psycho stalker, trying to interpret her actions, and fearing that all those words are meant for someone else. She's all I see I my dreams, all I can think of when I'm awake, and all I want is to hold her in my arms until we fall alseep, and then wake up by her side, once again feeling safe for the first time in years. I'd want our love to be wild and uncontrollable, not perfect, I'd want us to burn together in a wild firestorm, feeding off the flames and the chaos, making our home deep inside where no one can hurt us ever again. The idea of living my life together with someone else was totally different to me just half a year ago, but now... I can imagine a future with someone like her. I'd still be fighting with the sickness inside of me, it would still try to drag me down to hell with it, every single day - but with her love and support it'd be a war worth waging. Now, it's pointless. I've stopped struggling, in the end it makes no difference anyway, I'll always end up at the bottom of the spiral, no matter how high I climb and what victories I claim. I feel like a lost child, searching for the loving arms of his mother, someone to hold him and press their lips to his forehead and silently whisper into his ear that everything, everything is going to be alright.

Just by feeling this way, I've already won. In just a matter of weeks, she awoke something inside of me that Z never managed to do in three years - simply because she was never worth the struggle. I'll never deny the part she played in my life, but I'm never going to acknowledge it if she doesn't, and she never will. The way she erased me so easily has made it impossible to ever feel anything for what we had, it's three years right down the drain. But in the end, I'll always win. Always. Cunt.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Dance to another tune

8 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Det jag vill ha kan inte köpas
Inte stjälas, få till låns
Det jag vill ha kan inte ägas
Det är så mycket större än så
Jag kastar pappersplan från höghus
Mot en gnista gömd i snön
Jag måste tro att det kan hända
Jag måste drömma min egen dröm
För du och jag ska aldrig dö
Nej du och jag ska aldrig dö

Dear diary,

Had a great weekend, still a bit hungover though. My guitarist came here on Friday, had a couple of beers and talked a lot about the band's future, always feels good to have someone to share your vision with, and we're very much on the same level when it comes to ideas and plans. Later in the evening we were also joined by Alexi, a friend of mine who's also a musician, we got drunk and had a good time just talking memories. Got up on Saturday and started drinking again, later on we were joined by Emma and Rebecka, then went down to the gig. Not that into the music, but like I said, that wasn't the main reason to go there. Met a lot of old friends from Boras that I haven't seen in two years, and after the gig we all went back to my place for the afterparty. Got a bit loud, complaints from the neighbour, but all in all we had a great time, many new faces as well which is nice, made friends with a few of them. And I didn't have to sleep alone, a very welcome change considering who I shared my bed with.

All in all, I'm doing pretty well right now, mentally at least. I know, I know, it seems like every time I say I'm doing fine, it's only a matter of hours until everything turns around and I'm sent back to the depths of Hell again. But surrounding myself with a lot of awesome, supportive people is my way of dealing with this situation, and that warm feeling inside that's getting bigger every passing minute, of course. Someone new to focus all my attention on.

Gotta go get some sleep, tired as fuck. Later y'all.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Something to believe in

00.40 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Her Bright Skies – Diamonds 

"Cause' every minute
of every day,
I still know your taste
And I'm not living,
I just exist,
You wouldn't notice."

Dear diary,

Not much to report today either. Been writing some music today, a sudden strike of inspiration. Just waiting for my band to arrive and we'll put together the songs to a demo.
Planning on going to a gig this weekend, a band with some people I know are playing at a local restaurant, but to be honest I'm not really there for them, since a very special person is going to be there as well. Can't wait.

Pretty quiet inside my head today, the demons seem to be hiding at the moment, even been getting some non-chemically assisted sleep lately. Positive thoughts and images of her face help me fall asleep at night, that's a very welcome change. On another note, my hatred grows even stronger every passing minute. It'd be so easy to completely destroy her, and make the rest of her life a living hell, but I keep telling myself, is she worth it? Not sure about that, but since I know she's reading this on a regular basis,maybe I should leave a personal message? Haha, naah, the drama... ooh. I'm not even sure why I wan't to see her anymore, can't decide if it's to get it confirmed that she's a lying, false whore, or if it's to spit in her face, or to put it all to rest. Really can't decide, but hey, she's never gonna show up anyway so... I won't have to lift a finger even, people seem to be very negative towards her everywhere I go, without me having to tell them a single word about the whole situation. That's pretty convenient, gives me time to focus on better things, and better people.

I don't know... just over the course of the last few weeks, so much has changed. I find that december is the month where I choose to move on, it has been that way for the past five years. It's the time of the year where I bury my old self, piss on the grave and then move on to a better tomorrow. That feeling I've been having, that her presence in my life was like being a prison, that all my decisions were based on how she would react, and when I'm not having her circling above my head like a carrion swarm I can finally see clearly, and walk through all the doors that were closed to me before. And one of those doors lead me straight to her, an unexpected bump in the road that turned out to be a major turning point. After three years in an emotional ice age, caused by a deeply disturbed individual, something inside me has opened up, and the feeling is frightening at first, but then you get used to the idea of sharing your life with someone who completes you in all the ways the person before couldn't, and you take a step through the door, and then it shuts behind you. And suddenly, the sun shines through the clouds, strikes through that warped ribcage and unthaws the permafrost to discover that somewhere under that thick layer of cold ice, something is still beating. And it's been waiting for so long to beat for someone, and now the beat is getting stronger every day.

And at the end of the day, it turns out that "the man who couldn't love", just couldn't love you. 

Because you were never worth the sacrifice.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Hang on tight

3.20 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Her Bright Skies – I'll Be For You 

"I'll be the flowers that they place on your casket
I'll be the love that we knew would never last it
I'll be the moon when the last sun is setting
I'll be for you
I'll be for you "

Dear diary,

Nothing much to report, everything's pretty boring right now. Just waiting around, as usual. Been planning a lot for the band's future, creating new profiles on different social networks and so on. We'll make it. We have to.

Pretty strong feelings of separation anxiety today. Amidst all the hate I feel towards her, I still just want to sit down and talk about it. I'll never be able to put it to rest without that. But once again, she's too much of a coward for that to happen. And that just provokes me even more, turning into a spiral of hate and misery, but also a strong determination to prove her wrong and make her suffer the way she has made me suffer. An eye for an eye.

Never wound what you can't kill, sweetie.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Thorn within

1.02 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

 Metallica – Thorn Within

Forgive me father
For I have sinned
Find me guilty when true guilt is from within

So point your fingers
Point right at me
For I am shadows and will follow you
One and the same are we 

Dear diary,

Spent last night at Jessica's place together with Louis and Gabriella, had some to eat and just talked all night, slept together all four in a bed. It feels so good to be able to do stuff like that, back in Jönköping I had no one to spend time with, so I got stuck with myself and my murderous mind. I'm not saying it has become any better, or any less murderous for that matter, but now at least I'm not fighting alone. Soon I'll be joined by my bandmates as well, makes it's easiser to focus on the journey we're about to embark on together. Nothing's gonna stop us now.

Sleeping alone tonight, we'll see how that works out. Chest pains still won't go away, but no blood from strange places at least. Looks like I'll be able to see her next week, feels like it's gonna be really awkward, but looking forward to it anyway. You never know, miracles do happen every once in a while. Night y'all.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Scared to death

Got bored. Sorry for the bad quality.

Dancing with desire

12.42 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

King Kobra – Dancing With Desire

I'm flirting with temptation
Coming close to complication now
Dancing with desire
You practice sweet seduction
And I'll follow your instruction now
Hangin' on the wire
Dancing with desire 

Dear diary,

Feeling pretty good today. Woke up with a smile on my face from dreaming about her, a nice change from the usual nightmares. Still having some chest pains though... I totally missed my doctor's appointment as well, maybe not the best idea but, hey. I guess they'll send me a new one. As much as I want to know how bad it is, I also feel that I'm better off not knowing, that way it'll all come as a surprise if something inside my body would stop functioning and hopefully it'll be over quick. I'd hate to suffer.

No plans for today, it's snowing like crazy here right now so I'm not in the mood for leaving the apartment, but it's so empty here right now so I'll probably join Jessica tonight at her place in town. A lot of waiting around right now, and we all know how patience really isn't my strong side... waiting for my drummer to move in, waiting for my furniture, waiting for a job, waiting to see her... at least I have something to look forward to, that keeps me going.

The separation anxiety is starting to wear off. Sure, there are times I actually miss her, late at night when I'm feeling weak, but then I remind myself I'm so much better off without her. The only thing that bothers me is her reluctance to talk about it. I can't lay it all to rest without talking about how fucked up everything came to be, but I know she'll never admit that she lied, she's too proud for that. I mean, after all we spent three years in an on-off relationship, and no matter how weird it was, no one but us will ever understand how much we meant to each other. How many good times we shared, amidst all the confusion. I think it's a shame to just bury all that without having someone to share it with. Right now it's just gone, with no return. She won't, and I won't if she won't. But maybe some people are better off dead. 

Gotta go take a shower, later y'all.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Gone but never forgotten

5.34 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Guns N' Roses – Don't Damn Me

"I know you don't want to hear me crying
An I know you don't want to hear me deny
That your satisfaction lies in your illusions
But your delusions are yours an not mine
We take for granted that we know the whole story
We judge a book by it's cover
And read what we want
Between selected lines"

Dear diary,

Just woke up, slept all day long since Jessica and Louis left. They decided to visit me last night after the bars closed, I was a mess by then so I gladly accepted. They spent the whole night here talking, hugging and just messing around, felt really good to get some distraction from my mind trying to kill me. We all slept on my small mattress for a couple of hours, then they got up and left around 9 AM. The best of friends, so glad I have them. Seems like my drummer is gonna start moving in next week, which is great news, it's a tad bit empty here at the moment, echoing through the rooms with no furniture. Also having my doctor's appointment tomorrow, I guess I'll go just to see what they'll say... been having trouble with my heart again lately, hurts like hell when I breathe, so I guess something's up...

The feeling of freedom grows stronger every passing minute. My mind is burning with anger and fury for what that cunt did to me, I'll never be able to forgive her for the deceit and fuckin' lies she were telling me, and if I get the chance I'll spit in her fuckin' face. I'm totally convinced that she had met this dude she's with right now before me - I know for a fact she has - and they started forming a relationship while she was still telling me she loved me, and then it got serious so she had to make an excuse to get rid of me to hook up with that sorry fuck. Right on, girl, nice move. You always had the saying "I'll just let karma fuck you up." written everywhere, but I guess it kicks back. Everyone I talk to say the same thing to me; "I can't believe you stood up with that fake bitch for so long", and that is from the people I once believed were her friends. I guess they can tell from a mile away. Funny how that works, karma... Anyway, good riddance. Now for some coffee and a cigarette. Later.