This pain that we refuse

1.55 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Marionette, Marionette, and Marionette...

Dear diary,

Yeah, dear diary. It's such a cliché, but to be honest, you are very dear to me. It's like you're the only one who understands me, 'cause this is the feeling I'm living with inside of me every day. That no one understands me, no one can see what I really mean, what I really want to do. It's like screaming your lungs out, but your scream gets muted halfway through your throat, and you choke on it instead. Nothing gets easier when you're constantly getting misunderstood, and it surely doesn't help that I can't seem to find any words to explain to someone how I feel. I feel... alienated. I need... yeah, I really need someone who understands me. Be it a partner, a friend, or just someone I can trust.

So, a quick walkthrough of my latest activities.
Met Jessica yesterday, she spent the night here, we watched a documentary of Lars Winnerbäck and talked about a lot of the things that are troubling me. Felt really good, I feel I can trust her with a whole lot of my thoughts. Today we went downtown to meet up with Erika and Ellinor and grab a coffee (or in Ellinors case, a glass of wine and a beer.) I hadn't seen Erika in a long time, not since me and Tina broke up, so it was really nice to see her again, and of course Elli too, as always. She puzzles me. There's something about her I just can't seem to figure out. So later on we met Sebastian and this girlfriend he had with him, I should probably not go into details on this one, but he ended up staying back at my place for a couple of hours, and when they left I could feel the exhaustion form being around people all day. It's different altogether, how I'm able to handle being around people. Sometimes I have no trouble being around others for days and even weeks, but I always seem to fall back to periods where I get confused, irritated and exhausted from being around people. Good thing I can retreat here, and write about everything so it doesn't get stuck in my head. I was planning on making this post one of those looooong posts, but I feel I have more important things to do.

Anyway, I'll be launching a new blog today, where I'll be posting mostly poems I write, but also some other stuff that my mind creates. This time it'll be in Swedish, after all it is my first language, and as much as I love English, I feel I'm still able to evolve my writing in Swedish too. So, subscribe if you're interested.

http://decemberskuggor.blogspot.com/

Wrapped in your arms

4.46 AM, Borås, Sweden

Is this the whole picture
Or is it just the start?
Is this the way you love me?
You're capturing my heart
I used to try and walk alone
But I've begun to grow
And when you tell me just to rest
I'm finally letting go
I let go

Dear diary,

Drunk once again, and should probably be lying in bed by now if it wasn't for the absence of someone to be lyinq there with. Yeah, I'm going to bed alone tonight again, and it feels horrible. Tonight was great, really, went to Elli's place together with Sebastian, Jessica and her friend Hanna. We played Guitar Hero, watched The Ring and played some pool while drinking and having a great time together. I enjoyed being around people I feel I can trust, and it was really interesting to finally meet Hanna after all this time. We've been conversating via different internet communities for almost a year now, and to be honest, she was even more beautiful in real life than any picture I've ever seen of her. I've had my eyes on her for the whole evening, unable to focus on anything else. When I finally got to hold her in my arms, it felt like paradise... which leads me to tonights big question; Why the hell do I get so easily infatuated with people? I mean, a couple of days ago it was Nala who stole my attention merely by smiling in a video I found on her Netlog, and now it's this girl who've caught my attention. Big time. Yeah, I don't even bother to try and hide it anymore, people can say whatever they want. I still have a free will, and I intend to use that will to do whatever I want to do. I just can't get her out of my mind. We left Elli's place at 12 AM, and intended to sleep at Sebastian's place tonight, but because of Jessicas angry father, she and Hanna had to stay at her place, so me and Sebastian went into town alone in search for a party. We didn't find anything of interest, so instead we sat down and talked about pretty much everything for 2 hours or so. It felt great to get to know him better, we really get each other totally, not only because of our common love for music, but also because we're really alike in a lot of ways.

Still, I wanted to spend the night together with her... she's just everything I've been looking for in a girl. But she's probably tied up with everyone else, and it seemed like she has enough stalkers already. I'm going to be realistic about this matter and accept the fact that I'm not something she would ever get interested in. It hurts, but the truth always does, doesn't it? Damn right. I don't know if this is yet another one of my "I'm all alone, keep me company through the night"-periods, 'cause I'm sure as hell not ready for another relationship, not yet at least. And still, she feels so right. Maybe I'll get over it in a couple of days, a couple of days of obsessing over her pictures and messages that is... Ah hell, I can barely see straight right now, so I'm off to bed. Later y'all.

1.23 PM

You know... you should have learned by now that I write a lot of stupid shit when I'm drunk, so next time, at least try to stop me. But I guess it's more honest when I'm writing under the influence of illegal substances or alcohol. Still... some people may take offense from what I'm writing, but hey, if it hurts, don't read it? So just to make things clear - I'm being realistic and will try and forget about her, otherwise I just end up hurting myself. Done.

For love - we'll give it a shot

12.12 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

I'm drunk, and should probably be passed out by now, but I'll leave a note here at least. Tonight's been great, I've been partying with some great people all night long. A lot of girls showed up at Sebastians place, which was a pleasant surprise- I've lost track of how much I drank, but it was a lot from the look of it right now. The only drawback is that I'm going to bed alone tonight, I was hoping to have a girl with me... but the one I wanted to be here stayed at Sebastians place tonight. Bettet luck tomorrow, I guess. She's so damn attractive... ah hell, I've already said to much now. Let's just leave it at that. Night y'all.

Cowboys don't look back

3.18 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Eminem feat. Royce Da 5'9 - Scary Movies

Dear diary,

I felt compelled to leave a lil' note here tonight. We've been through some tough shit together, after all... So... it's past midnight again, yet another worthless day ahead of me. I slept until 5 PM today, so I'm really not tired, though I've had an annoying headache for the most part of the evening. Louis slept here tonight, or... yesterdaty night, actually. It was nice to have some company, you know how easily I get lonely. She didn't seem too comfortable with the fact that we didn't share the same intimacy as we did when we were together, but that's the way things need to be for now. I can't support a decision to move into a relationship again, that would just be another disaster on a very long list of disasters. I actually had some plans for today, but as usual, things seem to fuck up in every possible way when I'm planning something. I meant to go down to Jönköping today and party with some friends, were really looking forward to it, but I recently discovered that some money had been deducted from my bank account for some loans I have, so I'm nearly broke, which makes it kinda' hard to travel anywhere. So it looks like I'll be spending the weekend at home, freaking out when watching everyone else go out and enjoy themselves. I've never been able to handle the fact that I'm missing out on everything. It could be the smallest thing, but inside it feels like I'm about to explode. I get so frustrated, angry and hateful knowing that other people are having fun or experiencing something great - and I'm not there with them. I fucking hate it when people are telling me how "awesome that concert was" or "how fun they had at that party" when I wasn't there. Ah, fuck... I need cash. Badly. I've been playing around with the idea of getting into the business again. As long as you don't get addicted and use up your merchandise yourself, it's a real good way to earn some cash. But then again, this city probably has its dealers already, and they usually don't like competition. I don't need someone to whip a pistol in my face again.

You know... it feels like I'm writing less and less here because of the path I've chosen now. The fact that I try real hard to not care about things, and not take everything so serious... it leaves me without many of those feelings I've let you know about in all the other posts. So don't take it personally if I don't write in you as often as I should, it only means that I'm trying to stay sane, and perhaps am succesful in doing so. Fingers crossed. So, I should probably watch a movie or something until daylight comes around... I need to speak to Sebastian about that party tonight, maybe I can make it there. Could get real interesting, with my ex and her friends there, and that girl I've been watching for a while now. The chance for drama is extremely high. Anyway, cheers people, and later.

Adored

3.08 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

I can't believe I've never seen it before. The perfection of her existence. When she smiles, it feels like a thousand butterflies are unleashed inside of me, my heart beats faster only by knowing she is alive and breathing in this world. I now wander upon another crossroad, where each road leads me to different destinations. If I pick one of them, I might be stuck forever wishing I could make her mine. If I choose the other, I can continue and try to forget her smile, her beautiful face, her perfect body... This is getting to the point of agony, where I can no longer control myself or my feelings for another human being. It has always ended in despair, and maybe this time would turn out exactly the same. But, oh how I want to wake up every day and see that face, those beatiful brown eyes, that perfect smile... I'd give anything.

But, you know I'm a dreamer...

"Wrapped in your arms, I'm home."

What if I'm a sinner

1.30 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Fireflight - Wrapped In Your Arms

Dear diary,

For some reason I've started to get tired earlier and earlier on the nights. I can't stay up all night long like I used to do, instead I just sleep and sleep and sleep... and I still wake up tired. Maybe I've lost something inside, something that used to fill me with energy and motivation. Maybe it's just the time of the year that brings you down. I don't know. I wasn't planning on making a post here tonight, to tired to find the words for what's been plaguing me lately. But see this as a start, or something like that. A foreword... I'll fill you in with more details later today, 'cause now I'm off to bed. Later.

8.24 PM

So far so good. I'm feeling rather well, thank you. Except for a slight feeling of loneliness, the whole "shut down everything and start over again" is going as planned. I might just be able to handle this nicely. Not much going on at the moment, my life's very dull and uninteresting, against my will, of course. I'm looking for things to do, something to really put some effort into. The way things look now, I've got two bands to write material for, and a scheduled rehearsal in two weeks with the glam/sleaze band from Jönköping, really looking forward to it. Our new drummer seems to be a real nice guy with the same goals and taste in music, so maybe things will turn out better this time. Other than that, me and Sebastian have talked about getting a band together here in town, but nothing's been decided yet. All in all, it feels like music is becoming an even greater part in my life, and it feels fucking great.

I'm finding it hard to talk about more serious matters... it feels like I would ruin everything if I start thinking about everything... but let's just say some interesting things have happened the last few days. I'm not sure if I should go into details, but something I never expected to happen has happened, though I'm uncertain about the purpose of it. Ah, hell, I should probably stay quiet about that for now. I met Louis today, we headed into town and had a cup of coffee and just talked about everything. It feels good to see her in a way, that we can actually spend time together without focusing on what has happened. That gives me confidence that we can have a friendly relationship in the future. Tonight's going to be as unsatisfying as usual, I'll probably just sit here alone and wish someone would come here and keep me company through the night... but no one does. I guess I'm becoming the alien I never wanted to be, ever. Just great.

But... yeah... whatever. In lack of more shit to spill on these pages, I'll just end this. Later.

It's you

8.14 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• O.A.R - Shattered (damn you, Tina!)

Dear diary,

Yesterday was great. I went to Jönköping to party and go out to some clubs with Alexandra, Leila and her friend (Linnea, was it?) also joined us. I was drunk already at 6 PM, and from then it only got worse, or better, depending on how you see things. Anyway, has a great night, wasted a lot of cash on drinks and also met basstard and Makkey who joined us. Passed out outside Alexandras door, woke up when they came home an hour later and then passed out again. The hangover was inevitable, and I've been pretty much knocked out all day today. Went back to my parents house and will probably spend tomorrow here before going back to Borås early on Monday. This weekend was just what I needed, a chance to enjoy myself and not trouble thinking about everything going on inside my head. Makes everything so much easier. It feels like I can't find the right words tonight, my head is probably still mad at me for trying to kill it with alcohol, so I'm off to bed. Night everyone.

Eternal optimist

10.04 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Hanoi Rocks

I’m just like anyone
I dream of being someone
Fixed on growing young
Man, ain’t it fun
I put up a real good front
– act real nonchalant
If i can’t change the world
I’ll change myself
In hope i still believe, if nothing else

Hanoi Rocks- Eternal Optimist

Dear diary,

I nearly left tonight's writing to that damn devil, whom you've already met before. But not again. I'm still able to defend myself, even though I'm barely breathing. The events that have occured the last few days are both difficult to handle and impossible to cover with just one post. And to be honest, I don't even want to go further into details. Sure, I could sit here and cry over how fucked up I am, how bad I'm feeling and how much I'll miss her. All of these things are probably true... but I have an option this time. To forget. To put on that fake smile again, dust off all the old masks and wear them as I used to. Never let anyone get through my defenses, never let them get inside and see the real me again. 'Cause that's when the bad stuff starts happening. That's when that fucked up thing inside of me get's to play God. And it ain't pretty. So this is how it's gonna be from now on...

You could say it's my very last serenade. My very last attempt at getting this sorry, fucked up life on course again. One last chance to make things right, to forget about how everything is and try to act normal. To ignore the voices inside. I'm not sure how it's gonna work out, how the hell I'm supposed to escape something I've been running from for almost a decade now. The only way, as I see it, is to pick up speed, to start running faster than the dark clouds behind you, in order to stay in the light. The speed is consuming - I know that - it eats away on your life span every day, and truly makes the saying "Live fast - die young" true in every way. But that's a risk I'm willing to take. I won't give up just yet, there's still some energy left to make a last run.

But what if you fail, boy? Whatcha gonna do then, huh? Lie down and cry again? Tss...

Shut up! Nobody told you to speak. I'll make myself into whatever person I need to be to reach my dreams. I'm too fucking tired of who I am already, so that makes it so much easier to just drop everything and become someone else. Someone who's not so infested with fucked up thoughts and mental illnesses. Someone who can handle standing in the spotlight. Someone better. Someone special.

Oh yeah? You know you ain't got that inside of you. You know too damn well you can't become that star, you're too weak. Too afraid.

Fuck you. I'll make it. I'll show you... just wait. I'll forget everything I am, I'll leave this fucked up broken shell of a man and find a new one. I'll stop caring, stop thinking, stop being miserable. It ain't over yet.

Or so you think. Do you honestly believe in all this? They're gonna bring you down again. Everyone's gonna be mad at you, accuse you of being heartless, that you don't care about anyone. You won't be able to forget her, and every time you look at a picture of her and her boyfriend, you're still going to feel that sting inside your heart, and you'll cry yourself to sleep again. There's still too much of me left in you for you to accomplish anything like that. Besides, everyones going to see through you if you should succeed. You would be nothing more than an empty shell, hollow inside so the wind can blow you away. They'll fill you up with dirt, and far worse things than you've ever felt before. And then you'll wish you were back to the way things are now.

To hell with you and your sweet lies. I'll make it, you'll see. I don't need emotions, they'll only end up hurting you. From now on, I'll stop caring about all those things that bring me down. Focus on the future, on making it. Whatever it takes.

To hell? Oh boy, we're already here, you and I. And the gates have closed behind you. There ain't no gettin' back, you knew that when you strayed upon the road that led you here. No matter how far you go, I'll still be here. Patiently waiting for you to fall down again. The sooner you accept it the better. You can close your eyes in denial and run, but in the end, we'll catch up with you. So run, run until your legs can't carry you any longer, run until your lungs burn, run into the unknown. I'll be watching. Waiting. This ain't over yet...

Twist the knife

10.22 PM, Borås, Sweden

Ouch, that hurt.

You look so happy together.


"I break in two over you, oh
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't

Here I'm pinned between darkness and light
Bleached and blinded by these nights
Where I'm tossing and tortured 'til dawn
By you, visions of you then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face
When I hear someone's taken my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you"

00.24 AM

I'm taking over tonight, since your usual humble narrator is too fucked up to come up with something. Poor boy made a mistake, boo-fucking-hoo, and now he's feeling the pain that comes with it. Serves him right. At least he gave it a try, and managed to get further than I expected. But now we're back to normal again. He just couldn't keep his fingers away from all those bottles he had tried to hide in the back of his closet. And now they're singing him to sleep with sinister lullabies, whispering words into his ear about everything he'll never be able to have. Like her. I'm almost starting to grow tired of seeing her face inside his head every fucking day and night. But at least it keeps him bleeding. I'd better go and take a look at what's going on inside his mind right now... see y'all when the insanity kicks in.

Crucify your love

7.39 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Icon And The Black Roses - Crucify Your Love

He is feeling a little bit tired
Of all these disguises he wears to conceal the truth
But now he truly realizes the fully compromise
He took hand in hand with him

Crawl down and take a fall
It’s the fear of what's to come
Maybe he doesn’t know it

There was this little child that used to crawl in the dark
And still had fun
While he listened hours and hours to his midnight radio
And his favourite rock n roll bands

So long he's waited, he feels the wind blows him to his special fate
Hold on does he see?
Watch him does he believe,
Behind these walls there's a whole world to take

Dear diary,

So, I've been quite busy... ah, fuck it. I'll just stop trying to come up with worthless excuses for not writing as often as I should. So here's how it is.

Some things just don't turn out the way you want. People call it "life", and that it is a lesson that all people have to learn, sooner or later. It's a cliché, really, but nevertheless true. I've sure as hell learned my lesson by now. Everything has turned out to be a major fucking disaster. This road I walk upon, this life I choose to live... it has taken me nowhere. For a while I thought I was doing really well, I could feel air beneath my wings, but then I woke up and realized my wings were made of lead, and that I was going down in flames. So I did what I could to save my sorry ass, which means I grabbed the only parachute left and took a leap out into thin air. And now I'm on my way down, waiting for the parachute to unfold. With my luck, it'll probably be full of holes, or maybe I'll get shot down by anti aircraft-fire. What I'm trying to say here is... Fuck. I really don't know.

I told Louis today that I needed some time alone. Some time to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and what I need to do with this life of mine. I know I can't go on like this, running blindfolded in an neverending maze, constantly smashing my bloodied head into concrete walls. I don't want to leave her, I really don't, 'cause my feelings for her are true. She gives me much comfort and makes me feel safe, but I'm the great issue here. If I can't give her anything back, and how could I, when I can't even find myself?, then I'm forced to admit to myself that I can't stay on that course. I'm going to have to do whatever it takes to make me feel good about myself once again, to feel that I am actually living, not only breathing. That includes changing myself into what ever person that is. Yeah... I know what you're all thinking... and you know what? I'm not that bastard you think I am. It's easy to say that I'm only hurting her, and that I don't love her, but what the fuck do y'all know about that? I don't want to leave her... you hear me? i don't want to. But this is not a matter of what I want, it's a matter of what I need to stay alive, to keep me from going too far into insanity's dark dominions.

I don't know what's happening. I feel dizzy from all this thinking, from everything that is going on around me. At least we've found ourselves a new drummer. The music makes everything worthwhile, and once again, I've begun to hope for my dreams to come true. I know we can make it. We can reach that top, as so many before us have done. Perhaps that dream is the only thing that's keeping me alive. I don't know... I just need some change. Or a lot of it, actually. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I'm tired of trying to defend myself against all the lies and trash talk going on, so maybe I'll just become that asshole/bastard/son of a bitch you think I am.

Let's see how you like me then, fuckers...

Venus blue

11.28 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Adept, Adept and some more Adept.

Dear diary,

Speak about the devil... and he'll come rushing out of hiding, striking you with fear and confusion. Once again, I find myself out of touch with reality, and insanity has yet again become my friend. As always, I can't put my finger on what is wrong, but I know enough to say that a whole lot of things are wrong. Really wrong. First thing's first - about my latest doings... they are quite non-existent. Sleeping. Eating. Sleeping. Eating. Occasionally spending some time with Louis. It's all just a big blur, that somehow might have sent me into this state of mind. I've become tired of myself, my whole existence. I can't find any pleasure in anything I do... can't find any meaning in whatever I try to accomplish. I'm just breathing, not living. And if it's one thing I've told you about in the past, it is that I'd rather be dead than not living life to the fullest... and I'm far from that right now.

Had an argument with Marlene earlier, nothing important really, but as always, it left me in a state of anger and confusion. She wanted me to meet her boyfriend, or whatever he is, and I refused since I can't stand to see my exes together with someone else. It has nothing to do with them, they're probably alright, but I just can't handle being around when they're with any of my exes. It's like something in my head is screaming "Fuck you, she's mine, I was there before you.", and I know inside that it's wrong, but I can do nothing to stop feeling this way. So once again, we ended our conversation with stating that we couldn't be friends if I didn't want to meet him. It's strange how she still has the power to make me feel this way, she and everyone else I've ever shared my life with. I'm far too nostalgic for my own good, but I think you've all figured that out by now. Speaking of which... I've been talking to Tina a bit over the internet lately, and even though it's just plain conversation, it makes me feel a bit anxious. I'm trying my best to be polite and so on, but what if I can't manage to hide everything I really want to tell her? She would surely stop talking to me if she knew, and that would be a shame. I don't know... it feels like I need some change, something drastic needs to be done about this whole situation. Maybe I need to be alone for a while... or maybe not. It could give me some time to try and decipher this ongoing puzzle inside my mind, or it could mean that the demons would bury themselves deeper in my thoughts, bringing me to my knees once again. I mean... wouldn't it all be easier if I had to carry my cross alone, and let other people get on with their lives without me? I feel like a burden to each and everyone, and even a burden to myself. Schizophrenia at it's finest - I feel like I'm living separate lives, but both are bringing each other down. Hopeless.

But let's talk about less severe matters. I'll be visiting Småland once again this weekend, my father needed helt with something and I feel like I can't deny him since he has helped me a lot lately, helped with my debts and so on. I'm not too happy about this, being isolated in the middle of nowhere isn't exactly the optimal thing when I'm feeling this way.

I fear I'm about to do something I'm going to regret.
Time for sleep, sweet nightmares comin' up.
Night.

Make it

1 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Adept - "Give Me Back My Dreams You Negligent Whore" and "Shark!Shark!Shark!".

Dear diary,

Nothing new to report really, but I thought I should break the habit of silence I've been practicing against you lately. I should be asleep by now, but had some things to take care of in town. I went to the job centre and got a new appointment, since I missed my last one, and also went an got some application forms for my studies starting in January. I'm having mixed feelings about going back to school again, but altogether it feels different this time. I graduated from high school with bad grades only because I ran out of energy the last year, and didn't finish almost any of the subjects the last year. So there's a lot to catch up on, but now it feels like any knowledge, regardless of what it is, is a welcome addition to my education. I'm looking forward to get the opportunity to show my teachers that I'm actually really smart and talented, as long as I'm into it. From the look of it I'll be spending the next one and a half years studying, but I don't mind, going back to working again just doesn't appeal to me anymore.

Except for that, as said before, nothing new to report. I have no plans for the weekend, maybe I'll be visiting my parents once again to help my father with some things at home. Not really looking forward to anything right now, even though autumn usually is a busy period for me, at least it have been that way for as long as I can remember. We'll see what happens. Oh well, should try and get some sleep now, Louis said she'd maybe stop by here later, and I'm not that fun to be around when I'm too tired. Later y'all.

Mechanical animals

9.24 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• a whole lot of Moonsorrow

Dear diary,

I'm still not feeling too well, but I'm getting better at least. Been worrying all in vain because of all the media reports about that damn disease spreading. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad to have it... after all, I do like staying at hospitals, being taken care of by (hopefully) hot nurses isn't that bad.

So today it's Sunday, the day of rest, but except for last Friday I've been resting pretty much all weekend long. I helped my sister move in her stuff in her new apartment last Friday, it was hard work carrying all that furniture and boxes around, so when I got back home I fell asleep almost instantly. The plan to go home in the evening didn't work out because it took too long to move everything in so there weren't any buses or trains that I could make it to. Instead, I left early on Saturday morning and went to sleep as soon as I got back home in Borås. It feels like I could have kept sleeping through the whole weekend, 'cause I've been doing nothing but sitting on my ass in front of my laptop. Listening to music, playing games, talking to people on MSN or the web... It all feels really pointless. But maybe that's what my existence has turned out to be - pointless. All of my dreams and plans are so real in my head, but I'm doing nothing to make them happen. It is as if my head is too fucking stupid to realize that things don't get moving by themselves, you have to work hard to make your dreams come true. And I'm not lifting even a finger.

This pisses me off, obviously. But does it help that I get mad at myself? No, of course not. Still sitting here. Still doing nothing. Still sleeping my life away. Constantly looking for reasons to blame my apathy on. Is it my mental state? Most definitely. I think that in order to become creative and dedicated again, I need to kill the skeletons in my closet, and tear out the demons inside my head... but that has proved itself to be impossible so far. If anything, it has only led to an even worse condition than before. So maybe I'm avoiding the fact that I'm too fucked up to function, only because that insight leads to too much pain and mental suffering. I'm getting more and more certain of that. But don't worry, diary, I won't stop telling you about all the insanity that goes on inside of my head. I'll give you something right now.

I'm starting to scare myself. There are things I'm afraid to tell the people that are close to me even if they have become fewer and fewer over the last months... simply because the things I want to tell them would push them further away from me. But let's forget that other people are reading this shit for a while.

I can't seem to find my feelings. I don't know when all this doubt started, but it has become clear to me during the last few weeks that I'm not able to enjoy things the way I used too. I cannot find pleasure or amusement in pretty much anything. Everything I do, whether it's playing, singing, meeting other people, or even spending time with myself reading, writing or just thinking, I can't enjoy the way I used too. I'm constantly in a state of restlessness, only being able to do one thing for a limited amount of time before it gets boring or uninteresting. Where I've before found great pleasure and joy, I now only find despair and irritation. This applies to everything I carry out, and even applies to how I feel about other people. I can't give any honest feelings anymore, I can't sense love, joy or trust on most occations I've been able to feel it before. Ask a doctor or a therapist, and he would tell you that this is a typical symptom for depression or other mental illnesses... and we already know I'm suffering from a variety of such. But back to only 2 months ago, I would suffer from this in solitude, not putting any weight or guilt upon any others. But now I have my girl, and it scares the living hell out of me that I'm not feeling as strongly as I should. I mean, I love her... I really do, 'cause she supports me in every way and gives me much strength and comfort. She's my safety, and in her arms I feel like nothing can hurt me. But what if this is only an illusion? What if I've been lying to myself, telling myself that I can love again just like everyone else, and is doing everything on routine? It's frightening to think that way, but it might just be the truth. And I will never forgive myself if I hurt another girl once again, only because of my own vacuousness and fucked up mind. She doesn't deserve to have it like this, having a boyfriend who loves her, but can't tell how it feels, 'cause he's forgotten how to really love someone.

I know you're reading this baby, and maybe you're gonna start worrying about us. I would too, but talk to me, and tell me you understand, and we'll work this out, one way or another. I refuse to give up the battle this easily, but if we lose, at least I gave it a last try before I finally give up hope on myself ever being well again. This breaks my heart... and you know what? I kinda' like the feeling, cause' if I can feel it, it means I still have a piece of it left that still can feel. Maybe it's the last dying piece, or maybe it's a growing piece. Time will tell.

Dusk and summer

5.13 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Pink Floyd - Time

Dear diary,

I'm sick as a dog... I've gotten a badass cold combined with fever and a horrible headache, which leads me to thinking that I've gotten that swine flu everyone keeps talking about. Or maybe it's just a regular cold. Either way, I'm still not in the mood to write anything of importance today, I just want to sleep through this thing and get back to you when my mind is clear and I'm not sneezing and coughing every other second. So... until then.

Save us

1.55 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• The Kin - the "Rise and Fall" album.

Dear diary,

I guess it's time for an update, but as usual, I have trouble finding both the courage and the energy to begin dealing with what goes on inside my head. But let's give a shot, shall we? Here's a quick sitrep.

- Attraction is no more. Just a couple of days ago, out of nowhere, our guitarist decided to join another band, of course without telling us. So once again, it's just me and Johan left. For now, at least.

- I've been spending the weekend in Småland, partying with my friends (and non-friends, too!). All in all, I had a great time though.

- Because of the obvious band issues, we didn't rehearse as planned on Sunday.

I believe there are a few other things worth telling you about, but since there are other people reading this (curious motherfuckers!) I think it's best to leave it out of here, to protect the guilty and the innocent. So... about that sudden band break up, if you can call it that. Ever since Makkey left us to play with Danger, things haven't been that positive, and I felt as if I was the only one who wanted to continue playing. We had trouble to get everyone together and rehearse, everyone was busy doing something else and never wanted or could rehearse. And come to think of it, that makes the whole "we don't rehearse often enough"-thing our guitarist said was the reason he left us kinda strange. But anyway, we're not a band anymore, but I'm determined to find a new band as fast as possible. I have been talking to another band from Jönköping, but they've not decided if they're interested yet. They only want a lead singer, but if things turn out right I can bring Johan with me and maybe replace their old bass player. I wouldn't want to leave him anyway, we've been planning to form a band for too long to let go of our dream now. Which leads me to another issue. I will try to choose my words carefully.

I fear I'm losing my best friend. Me and Johan have been friends for almost ten years now, and I feel our friendship has grown stronger for every passing year. We've been through so much crazy stuff together, everything from breaking into places to creating music together, and I can honsetly say he truly is my very best friend. And for the last few months, we have been drifting away from each other. We don't see each other as often as we used to, he is often occupied with his job or with his girlfriend, and I sometimes felt neglected, but when we met we always had a great time together. But now, something has changed. Ever since he started spending time together with "her" (yeah, you know I mean YOU) and her friends, and ever since she got her grudge against me, for reasons unknown, he has started to turn away from me. Until now, I have been able to accompany them, but since the last dispute between "her" and me, things have turned real sour. It has now gotten to the point where I can no longer spend time with him, as long as he's in their company, and she knows that. Whether it's a devilish plan, or pure fucking malice, she is slowly and effectively prohibiting me from spending time with my best friend.

As much as I'd like to tell her to fuck off and leave my friends alone, he has a will of his own, and today I got the message that he'd rather spend time with them, because he didn't want to "choose between friends", and that pretty much tells me everything about his intentions. So now he'll be going to Stockholm on the 7th to watch a Mr.Big concert together with her and Makkey. As she put it, they are her best friends, and she didn't want me to come along because I wasn't her friend any longer. Strange how that works, eh? From being close, to being a total stranger, all because of her jealousy. I'd better stop writing about this now, before I start getting real unfriendly. But give me a sharp object, a dark alley and her in it...

So... yeah, things could be better. At least I'm not burdened by all my debts any longer, my father received his payment for the auction of our farm at home, and has payed all my debts, which is a considerable amount of money. I have the best father ever, and he has always been supportive no matter how bad I've behaved in the past against them. Thanks, dad, for being there for me.

Except for that, there are a million other thoughts floating around inside my head, and I feel I can't let them out all at once. That would probably cause another panic attack, and I'm sure as hell doing fine without that. I'll be going back to Småland this morning to help my sister move into her new apartment, hopefully I'll be able to catch a train back to Borås in the evening. Until then.

"It's late september and all I remeber is you dear
With falllen leaves I get back on my knees to surrender
Why did you run?
Why did you run?
When I'm right here
It's all gonna be the same, when you get there.

Now that we see the signs can we walk this line together?
Now that we know it's time can we walk this line together?"