Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Sugar, we're going down

02.30 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

I could tell you about everything that's been going on, tell you about all the exciting and awesome things that have happened during these days I haven't written to you. But there's one problem with that - nothing of that has happened. Everything has been totally normal. Dull. Pointless. I'm beginning to get tired of this reality of mine...

So as I said, nothing new to report. Except that I've been talking to Tina a bit more, and we've decided to meet again, to see if we're still interested in having a relationship once again. I lack the inspiration and words to describe this matter further, but I promise I will when my brain gets back online again. Right now it's just dead, dead from all the pointless things I've been up to lately. Sorry about that, brain. I'll make it up to you.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Pirates and rebels

04.50 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Too drunk to write anything... I'm gonna give you this lyric instead... it's about my life right now...

Can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
It's always you in my big dreams

And you tell me
That it's over
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover
And you're restless
And I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
No, could you let me go
I didn't think so

And you don't want to be here in the future
So you say
The present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
And it did because of me

I miss you, baby...

Thursday, March 26, 2009

All in the name of...

05.10 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."
Nothin' special has been going on today, just another worthless day in an even more worthless life. I feel uneasy. Anxious. Uncomfortable. Can't seem to find comfort in anything, it feels like I'm running low on fuel and can't get full effect out of the engine that drives me. And yet I don't know why. The anguish hasn't been that bad lately, the demons have been real quiet, even through the nights. I have even been able to sleep the last nights, even though nightmares are haunting me. There's so much going on around me right now, feelings and emotions just spin so fast inside my head that they blur into this great mass that I can't decipher or understand.

Got a letter today from my mother. Haven't got a letter from her ever, so I instantly knew what it was about. Like any good mother, she worries about me. She wrote about how she had found drugs stashed away in my apartment by accident, and that she had suspected I was using for a long time. That my lifestyle will lead me to my grave, and that she had many friends in her younger years that had died from overdosing and such. That I didn't care about my family anymore except when I needed something from them, I didn't congratulate them on their birthdays or ask how they were doing. All in all, it was an attempt to tell me that I should change my ways or I would end up dead. Wow. What news. I'm sorry mom, but this is my life. I'm not a 5-year old anymore who you can try and raise to be a good boy.

It's like they say, when kids reach their teenage years, they're not your little girl or boy anymore. The parents are no longer their best friends, their comfort in everything. They replace this with new things - things that are far more interesting than the safety they have experienced so far. They break boundaries, explore new worlds, meet new people, try new things. And I'm far beyond that point when my life became my own. I've got new friends now, I'm sitting by the side of Satan himself, enjoying his hospitality. I live my life day by day, not thinking about tomorrow if it's not absolutely necessary. I don't give a fuck whether something is good or bad - I just enjoy it and live for the moment. What else does a human need? Fuck safety. Fuck values. Fuck ever believing in the thought of suppressing people, try to hold them down and put them in a cage constructed by an intolerant society.

I'm sorry for not being your perfect little boy, but this is the way I live. If you can't handle it, I'm sorry. You tell me drugs kill people. You tell me that rock n' roll isn't an acceptable way of life, that it's just a cliché. You tell me I don't care about my family and those close to me. I have grown up to discover a fascination for everything that's dangerous, fast and excessive. A life that gets stained with sex, drugs and rock n' roll would to most people seem like a curse, but to me, it's a blessing. I feel alive. I feel free. And even if I've chosen the wrong road to follow, at least it's taking me somewhere, and lets me feel alive along the way. I might end up dead tomorrow, in 5 years or in 40 years. No one knows, and I really don't care. I'm not gonna stop chasing my dreams, living my life to the fullest - and your words can never stop me from doing that.

Even if I'm an addict, a failure, a bastard without a life - I'm still your son. Let him live.
Should be getting dressed now, off to the juvenile reception soon. Really looking forward to a male doctor touching my dick... Not.
Wish me luck.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

That ghost is breathing again

04.00 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Maybe I should stop writing that. Still doesn't feel good. Or get myself a real diary.
I'm gonna try to keep this one short today, mostly cause' today has been a real wasted day. Nothing has been happening at all... woke up... felt hungover even though I didn't drink much yesterday... got dressed and went downtown with Erik and had a coffee, went back, fell asleep, woke up again and now I'm sitting here again. Is anyone seeing a pattern here? Ah, hell...

I have an appointment at the job centre at 9 AM so we'll see if that takes me any closer to starting studying. As much as I enjoy the freedom of not having a job, it kinda' gets real boring in the long run. Being constantly broke, and when you have money, you just waste it all on alchohol and other forms of entertainment. So I'm feeling like I'm going nowhere, and I'm going there fast. I won't allow myself to get stuck in this gray matter like some star who forgot how to shine. I'll break free, even if it takes my life, i'll break the chains and run free.

I'll be writing in you again soon, diary. Things are about to get dramatic in my life, and I know it's your dirty little dream to see me sitting here, crying, freaking out while abusing pills and alcohol. If i didn't know better, I would easily fall in love with you just for your ability to listen and shut the fuck up while doing it.
Night' everyone

So say hello to all the boys at the top of this table that you're under
Lipstick lullabies
This is sorry for the last time
And baby I understand that you're making new friends
This is how you get by
The moral this time is
Girls make boys cry

Monday, March 23, 2009

All Hail The Heartbreaker

05.40 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Once again I've skipped some days of writing to you. My bad. Things are moving quite fast as of lately, and I simply haven't had the time to sit down and try to gather my thoughts, or been too drunk to even make sense to others reading. But as I try to sum things up, it always gets too fucking long, and to anyone of you reading this (poor bastards...) - I apologize for writing too long and making your eyes hurt.

As I sit here this early Monday morning, I finally have some time to reflect about what's been going on this weekend - and to be honest, it's been quite enjoyable. Nora came to visit me here on Friday, and also stayed the night. We invited some friends over, had a couple of drinks while talking, playing guitar hero and playing real guitar as well. I was in a good mood, and maybe that's why I was drinking so heavily. After a while, everyone left to go down to a club, and I stayed here with Nora, cause' she's only 14, and even though she looks more like 19, she still wouldn't be let in. When they left, I totally blacked out. I can't remember anything past that point, just fragments, like for example... kissing her and falling asleep by her side...

Waking up by her side was quite enjoyable. Realizing what I had done wasn't.
While the panic increased with my level of awareness of the situation, I couldn't deny the fact that I have long wished that this should happen. When I first laid eyes on her, she was only 12, and she was walking around Borås wearing high plateau boots, a short skirt and extensions in her hair. She has had my attention ever since, and I've been watching her from a distance through all of my relationships since then, watching her evolve from a kid into this beautiful young woman, who despite her age, is acting really mature. So being close to her again made me feel great, but thinking about her boyfriend didn't feel as great...

Anyway, spent the day feeling not hungover, but rather non-focused and really uncomfortable. Left her at the station, wanted to kiss her, but didn't. After that we've been texting each other all weekend, she told her boyfriend about or little incident, he got mad, broke up, they got together again and now it's some kind of static between them. And I've got all reasons to be happy about it, cause' even if I'm an asshole, I still don't like the idea of ruining a relationship. I hope it turns out to the best for them. And still... if he leaves her, I want to be the one she gives her heart to next. I would love to be hers, and get to give her all the love I can. We would make such a beautiful couple, even though everyone would think I'm a pervert cause' of her age. I don't care about that, she's beautiful, smart, attractive... and most of all, she understands me. But there's something in the way, and I can't tell you what. Yet.

The demons have been quiet all weekend... It's funny... I almost miss them. When they're not there speaking to me, I get confused. It feels like I'm a whole other person without them, and haven't got used to being this person yet. I feel uneasy, tense, almost like I'm in another man's body and can't find the controls to maneuver his mind.
Decided to keep sober for the rest of the weekend, which was easy because I didn't have any money to purchase alcohol, and hard because I didn't want my mind to be clear, cause' then I think too fucking much and end up panicking again. But it went well, only had a few beers last night when I had to calm down from a certain... message I got from a very special person. More about that in later posts.

Except the "incident" with Nora, I also've been experiencing some interest from other girls, which makes me kinda' confused. Why the hell do they want a relationship with a sick fuck like me? Can't they see the red, flashing sign above my head that says;


Probably not. I must make a bigger one, maybe I'll use some neon in the next one... or make a simpler version of it, in case my admirers have a lack of IQ, something like;


I'll have to consider that one... simple and effective.

In a way it makes me feel like King Kong on a building, their attention feeds my need for appreciation, and hearing things like "You seem like a real nice person, I would do anything for you to love me." and "We would make such a beautiful couple." is great for my self-esteem. But then I realize, when those people get closer, they'll see the sick fucker that's hiding beneath the facade, and realize I'm not that person they got attracted to. I can't help it, I need to be close to someone, but everytime I try, I end up hurting them. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I maintain a normal relationship without fucking things up. Is there something I don't see? Are there giant invisible fucking spikes attached to my skin that's piercing through peoples heart? If you know what's wrong, please do tell me.

Today's plans;

- Visit the juvenile reception. No need to explain why.
- Try and get things straight with everyone who's trying to get a relationship with me
- Try and handle the pressure of not being admired by anyone anymore
- Apologize to Nora for the millionth time and try to sort things out
- Sleep for a very long time

Whoa. I'm making plans, ain't that something...
Gonna take a shower now and then get dressed.

Good nig... I mean, good morning, viewers...

On your side teach me the real thing
No time to think of the old scene
Say my name when you want to its just fine
I'm still here forever in your arms

Write your name in the stars
I am trying to heal your heart

Friday, March 20, 2009

From birth I was deceived

04.50 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Once again I have no discipline in writing to you. Can't seem to find time or motivation enough to write down these words I call my life. And I know I need it, cause' you're the only one who'll listen to my insane ramblings. You're a much needed comfort in this fucked up reality of mine.

Today's (Thursday) been good. Real good. Woke up around 10 AM, a technician from ComHem came and fixed something in the apartment, not sure what, but he still woke me up. Tried to go back to sleep, failed miserably and got dressed. Spent last night out with Dennis, Sandra and Johnny, we went down to the pub and had a couple of drinks, so I was feeling a bit hungover. Stumbled into the kitchen, found myself a cold beer in the fridge, and also noticed it was real sunny outside, you know, typical early spring day. Spent some time in the sun on the balcony, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes, then put my face on and went downtown with Erik. Had lunch at a chinese restaurant, went on to a café, had some coffee, and then around 5 PM we went to the library to attend the poetry slam. Mostly went there to meet up with Jessica, watching crazy old ladies reading their pathetic fucking poems really doesn't appeal to me... So went back home, played some Guitar Hero, and since then I've been mostly sitting here writing to people.

Oh yeah, spoke to Tina also, she once again decided to ignore me, and I tried to handle it as calmly as I could. She was really pissed and said all those mean things about our relationship never had meant anything to her, and that I'm such a fucking loser who won't ever change his personality. Well, thanks for the news baby. Fuck her boyfriend, I know I'm better. So now I'm just gonna try to take things as they come. I won't be talking to her in a while now, gonna try and open up my eyes a bit. I can't deny the feelings I have for her, they'll never ever disappear. I'll lie there on my deathbed, all old and broken, and my last thoughts before I draw my last breath will be of her. Of that I'm certain.
I felt kinda numb when she told me she was blocking me again from speaking to her. I thought the demons would become so excited, thinking "Ooh, he's gonna feel real bad about this one, time to give im' hell boys!" but instead, I've been walking around all day today feeling just... numb. Non-commited, but also really releived. But as always, it's gonna be the calm before the storm. Before I know it, they will leap out of the shadows, grab my mind and rape it, over and over again. Scratch and claw at it, sink their poisonous fangs into it and leave me bruised and bleeding once again. I just can't seem to stop my own mind from hurting me.

She said it herself - "I really don't care about you or what you do any longer - I'm just happy to get rid of you.". And I'm gonna try a whole new approach on this matter now. Fuck celibacy. Fuck feelings. Fuck staying true to my heart, cause' my heart has never stayed fuckin' true to me. I'm gonna take on the whole damn world, come out swingin' with a fistful of attitude, and show everything and everyone that I'm alive. I'm gonna shout the loudest, drink the most and live the fastest. There ain't gonna be no ain't knowin' me. It's gonna be painful, I'm totally aware of that, but when you feel pain, you at least feel something. And that's better than being numb. Even though my whole life is spinning so fast that I'm running around with a blurred vision, falling over things and hurting myself, I'm still gonna stand up on my feet again and keep running, whatever direction I might be heading. I'm gonna be the brightest fucking flame around, and some people can't handle the heat, get burned and bitch about it while they try to cover the wounds. Fuck them. I don't care. If you're standing in front of a speeding freight train, you're bound to get real hurt if you don't move out of the way. It's not that hard to figure out, is it?

Well, it's just that little thing about that... Flames need fuel to burn. And where do I get my fuel from? I don't know. Attention, like a little whore, perhaps? Fuck yeah, I love people looking at me thinking "I really wanna be like him, he's gorgeous".
Been spending some time talking to some girls today, and it struck me like lightning from a clear sky - damn, I'm kinda' attractive when I don't carry that big fucking cloud around over my head. When I'm glowing with energy, when my mind is thinking straight and I've got my eyes focused on target, I'm Captain Awesome. Invincible.
Spoke to a real nice girl I want to meet - who in many ways share the same hell as I live in. I feel like I can connect to her in a whole different way than I do with others. She sees behind the mask, and as much as it scares me, I'm also happy that someone understands me. I can't live without the support from people around me. People telling me everything isn't as dark and hopeless as it seems, pushing me forwards when I start gliding backwards, putting me on my feet when I fall. So yeah, that's definitely something to keep a fire burning. I have so many desires I can't find out which of them is more important. Money? Fame? Sex? Love? Understanding? Pleasure? Success? I want em' all, and I want them now. Impatience is my middle name, a trait that has been helping people to evolve for thousands of years, but also send them screaming into the abyss.

Last... but not least, I'm gonna bitch about my body going insane from not getting laid. I can't do it anymore. It's a drug I've become far too addicted to, and it's getting out of control. I feel sorry for the next girl a lay down on her back... hell hath no fury like a sex junkie out of control...
That'll be enough insanity for today. Tomorrow's gonna be great, Nora's coming to visit and we're also throwing a party at Erik's place. Haven't really been looking forward to anything lately, but I feel great about this. We're gonna party like the rockstars we idolize (and perhaps already are... in a way...), get drunk and just enjoy ourselves... not thinking about tomorrow nor about any of the pain that runs through our minds.

With that said... I think it's time I get some sleep. It's on now, this time around, I won't be stopping until I hit a brick wall doing 120 miles per hour.

Heart, fail me not...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

You're an angel sent to save

2.40 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary"

Haven't been writing to you in a while now, I'm sorry for that. I guess nothing interesting has been happening while I was back in Småland. Not that it's more interesting now when I'm back in Falköping, but anyway...

Erik picked me up at home today (Tuesday, that is) and we drove to Jönköping and got on the train back to Falköping. It felt great to be in his company again, when I'm around my family I feel really awkward and as if I cannot be myself. Maybe I'm just afraid that they will not approve of my lifestyle, and I don't want them to know about how I feel. It's better that way, I don't want to handle all their questions and their anger.
So we got back home, been watching TV all night, and now I'm sitting here writing to you. Feels like I have trouble finding the right words today... nevermind...

Haven't got any plans for tomorrow except going downtown to try and sell some old golden wedding rings from my grandparents. They're not alive anymore, so why should they care? On Thursday, I'll be meeting Jessica at a poetry slam contest she's participating in, and on Friday I'll hopefully be meeting with Nora. She said she wasn't sure she could come, said something about some trouble at home and with her boyfriend. Anyway, I'll be getting drunk as fuck even if she doesn't show up, so I guess that's gonna work out anyway.

I feel confused. My mind is spinning so fast that I cannot get any of my thoughts straight. At home, I spent the nights speaking to Tina via msn, we talked about so much that I haven't really been able to think about it that much. It usually catches up with me a few days after, and then we're back to freaking out again. What a nice lil' cycle we have here. I've processed, or at least tried to process, so much information the last few days that my head feels like it's gonna explode. New conditions, new information, new music, new people. When I get to that point, I always feel lost, lost and really mad at myself for not being able to handle it. Why can everyone else seem to think straight, when I can't? My head is so full with words, dreams, plans and everything inbetween that I can't focus. If I could, I know everything would unfold and my future would be in my hands. I could become whatever I wanted to become, and realize my dreams. Fuck... I need a doctor, cause' I'm not making any sense...

Another thing... why do I have this unhealthy fascination for broken girls? The more depressed they are, the more attracted I get. I have this urge... this... need to help them. When I get to know one of these girls, I feel like it's my responsibility to do everything I can to help them. And it makes me feel alive, makes me feel strong, like I am the knight in shining armor who comes to protect them from everything that tries to hurt them with my powerful shield and my mighty sword. I feel like I actually have a purpose, that I'm not just wandering through life, lost in my own thoughts and my own personal hell. I can't count the nights I spent watching over girls haunted by nightmares, girls who are totally knocked out on sleeping pills and anti-depressive medicines, girls who are having panic attacks... Maybe it's because I feel more like a man, and not that little scared boy, when I get to protect the weak. So far so good... but why the hell do I get sexually attracted to them as well? You would think that a girl who is struggling with anorexia or depression would be unattractive, but the more broken they are, the more I get sexually attracted. I feel like a fucking pervert, but hey... if people can be turned on by fucking a midget nun while being smeared in with their own pee by big black homosexuals, then I think it's ok for me to be turned on by depressed and broken girls, right?

Fuck, everything's just spinning around. I want off this ride now, please, before I throw up and make a scene. Maybe some sleep would cure my daze and confusion. (Dream on, dream on fucker, you're not gonna sleep, you're gonna be awake, overdosing your new sleeping pills while freaking out... you're such a sick bastard. Get a grip.)

Night ladies' (especially all of you "broken" girls out there! ;D)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Sin's a good man's brother

22.30 PM, In the middle of fuckin' nowhere, Sweden

"Dear diary"

Spent the whole weekend moving out of my old apartment, so now I'm completely exhausted. My parents helped me clean out the whole apartment today, so tomorrow I'll be handing over the keys and officially be out of that hell hole that apartment came to be. Can't count the times my life nearly has reached an end between those walls. Every time I walk into the rooms, it is as if a great wight is put on my shoulders, and memories of the pain I have endured while residing there fly through my thoughts like razors. But now, I will never set foot in that place again. At last.

Nothing much going on except that, will be going back to Falköping on Tuesday. Nala said she wanted to come and visit this week, but we'll se about that, she's a bit... feeble-minded. On Thursday Jessica is going to visit Falköping to participate in a poetry-slam, so I'll be meeting her then, and on Friday Nora is visiting. Guess she'll stay the night in Falköping, it'll probably be a party on Friday night. It's gonna be nice to see her again, I really don't know her too well, but I intend to change that.

The anguish has been acceptable the last day, but now as I sit here I can feel the demons moving around in the dark corners of my mind, planning their next attack. Been texting sporadically to Tina all weekend, she seems to be in a good mood, but hasn't changed her decision a bit. I won't be coming close to her, ever, and that hurts... Wish I could explain the pain to you, make you feel it, only for a second. Then you would understand what it is to live with a heart that's broken, shattered, but bursting with feelings for this one person, a person who means everything, who has the power in her hands to fix the cracks and make the heart whole again. When that person turns her back at you, and refuses to even touch your heart... to understand that no matter how much love you show, no matter how much you try to reach her, you will only be met by a cold, inpenetrable wall. I'd rather die a thousand deaths than live to bear that pain in my heart - and yet, it's the only thing that makes this life worth living. Paradoxically, eh?


(I can hear them now, moving closer. Whispering lies. Telling me to give up. Shouting about her life being better without me. Insanity. Anxiety. Anguish. Afraid. Psycho. I'm trapped. Can't breathe....
If there was a place for me in heaven, I would call upon the angels to save me... but heaven holds no place for a twisted mind, and I would call upon hell to drive the demons away, if I wasn't already here...)

Friday, March 13, 2009

No, You Don't

20.15 PM, Vaggeryd, Sweden

"Dear diary."
So I got back to Vaggeryd yesterday, and spent the whole day packing and moving furniture from my apartment to my parents home. Spent the whole night panicking and freaking out, cause' I had no alcohol or pills to silence the voices screaming inside my head. What's the point of sleeping if the nightmares you have while being asleep are as frightening as the ones you're having while you're awake?

Actually had some plans to get out and party with my friends down here tonight, but looks like I'll be trapped in my apartment all night since none of them give a fuck whether I show up to their party or not. I feel like I'm slowly starting to dissolve into a thin smoke that follows people around - people as in my friends - and I could as well be standing right in front them screaming at their face, and they still hear anymore than a distant scream. It's like I'm transparent, a wraith who desperately clings on to those who used to care about him, but now has their eyes focused on a whole different target.

Still, I have a feeling of relief at being away from everybody. If I could just disappear into some place, like this forgotten hell-hole, maybe I could find myself. My life is loud. Everywhere I go, people are talking to me, but nothing is as loud as the screams in my head. They are far off, distant, and I can't make out the words...
Unraveling, unsure, undetermined, unnecessary... this is what my life has boiled down to. I either have to stop or die... I can't straddle this fence any longer. I have taken into my lungs the longest breath of hell and I'm still here.

Gonna get drunk and pass out tonight... fleeing like a coward from the sweet things they whisper in my ear...
And I still miss her so fucking much...

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Love has taken it's toll

"Dear diary."

Just got home from watching a gig, got a girl here with me but have no plans of getting more intimate with her. Skipped the plans of going home to Småland tonight, stayed instead and watched my guitarist's other band PP7 play. Was really exciting to watch a band play on stage again, and every time I do, I feel the urge to stand there myself. The feeling I get from standing on stage is unique, it's fantastic, and I get hooked on it all the time. If I only could find a band to play in, no matter what they're playing, as long as I get to play music it doesn't matter

Too drunk too write anything here tonight... gonna pass out right now... I miss my baby...

Night ladies'

10.40 AM

Woke up at 7.30 AM, hungover and thirsty as fuck. Couldn't get back to sleep so decided to put my clothes on, or whats left of them at least... Got up, had a beer and a cigarette and noticed Erik was awake too. Thought "Great, I won't have to drink alone!" and since then we've been sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and smoking. Nice way to start a day.
Last night was great, as I wrote earlier, we went down to watch a gig called 1000 Volt, where my guitarists other band PP7 was playing. Even though it was their first gig, they sounded real good. punk rock at it's best. So afterwards we went to a bar, had a beer, and then went on to this chinese restaurant, cause' they had cheap alcohol. So sat there talking with the boys a while, then when it closed at 10 PM, we went on to another bar and continued drinking. It was great meeting with the boys again, talking about music and stuff. We went back home around 1 AM with this cute girl we picked up at the concert, and that's when my memory stops serving my mind. I know I didn't fuck her at least, I think Erik did it for me... ah, nevermind...

So I'll be going back to Småland today instead. Need to clean out my old apartment, so maybe I'll try and be sober tonight... (Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen...)
Downloaded some new music today, a record with Priestess and another one with Monster Magnet and got stuck on a song that pretty much describes my life and how I feel. It's called "Live For The Moment"... and I really do. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_rrP0j9yMU&fmt=18)

There's a little pile of ashes where my old life used to be
Credit cards and memories all dumped into the sea
Well this ain't no time for bullshit as I fly into the sun
Well you can't trust anybody if you can't trust number one

Well the man tells me my future is not so far away
You get ready for tomorrow I gotta waste my whole today
My inner life knows better it's what I wanna hear
Just like a diamond bullet well it's crystal crystal clear

I can slap a tornado, I can dry up a sea, yeah
When I live for the moment,
There ain't no ain't knowin' me

You'll never find your pleasure if you worry about your pain
And your precious little details are stretchin' out my brain
Well you spin around and bite your nails, now let me tell you son
That you can't trust anybody if you can't trust number one

Now there's some fucking great lyrics for ya!
I need to start writing some music... my head is so full of words and lyrics, bit I can't seem to get to a point when I can write them down...
Should start packing now...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

We'll be halfway to anywhere

"Dear diary."

Did a lot of...nothing today. Woke up around 12 PM today with the Hangover From Hell. Stumbled into the kitchen and had a beer and a cigarette, spoke to Erik, who had already started drinking again, and then went back to the sofa. And that's pretty much where I've spent the whole day. Writing, listening to music. That kind of activity leaves much space for thinking, and in most cases, thinking is real bad for me. So while fighting the demons, I decided I was gonna try a lucky shot, and texted Tina and told her I wanted to send her some pictures of cute fox-like creatures, cause' I know she loves cute things as much as I do. So she responded and we agreed she should unblock me at msn so I could send the pictures, and then block me again. Well, didn't quite turn out that way.

We started talking about pretty much everything - memories, plans, feelings and all of a sudden she decided to keep me unblocked so that I could send her music. We share a common love for music, one that I have not found in anyone else I know. Feels good to have someone to talk to who really understands the essence of music. We've talked all day over msn, and discussed a lot of the feelings I have for her. Felt really good to be able to explain everything, and though she really doesn't give a flying fuck about how I feel, at least I got to tell her. I'm treading as lightly as I can around this matter, cause' I wouldn't want to upset her so she ignores me again. Everytime that happens, it feels like being thrown into a dark prison cell where you can scream your lungs out, and no one would ever hear you.
So now I'm sitting here writing to you both, everyone is asleep. It's quiet, except for the music in my ears, and I know that soon, there will be other voices coming not from the outside, but from inside my head. The madness slowly creeps out from the dark corners, spreading it's sickening glow all over my mind.
How do I get out of this downward spiral? I can't find a way out of this hole. I would like to say to myself "If you're in a hole, put down the shovel.", but I can't. I'm so addicted to these sick thoughts and the voices telling me how to act, it's all I think about, but I know there's more. There has to be a reason for all this, something has to be the source of all the madness, and I'm sure it's right in front of my face. I'm too proud to ask for help, but that's what I need.

So I actually decided to check how much I weigh today, was a bit surprised by the result. 140 lbs, which is less than last week. I feel like a fucking skeleton, but still can't find the appetite or will to eat. It makes me feel sick just thinking about eating. As long as I get my coffee and a cigarette to go with that, I'm satisfied. And it's real fuckin' cheap too! Suits me perfectly since I'm broke.
Tomorrow I'll be going home to Vaggeryd again to move the last things out of my apartment before I leave the keys to my landlord, I have no internet connection there, so I'll be writing in you as soon as I get online again.
Night fellas'

"Anyplace is where she'll be
Anyplace, she'll see you from
Lies and secrets become your world
Anytime, anywhere she takes me away
And death climbs up the steps one by one
To give you the rose that's been burnt by her son"

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Firewater joyride

"Dear diary"

I'm shitfaced, had a couple of drinks and beers while playing poker with Dennis, Sandra, Erik and Johanna. Had a really good time and should be knocked out in a while from all the booze... Just wanted to leave a lil' note here before I pass out. Been speaking to Tina via text messages tonight, she said it was alright if I showed my feelings for her as long as I didn't mess with her relationship with her boyfriend, and that's fair game for me. She doesn't really understand how much feelings I have for her and how much I would do to make her my baby again. That's fine with me... as long as I get to tell her how much I love her. She's my starlight...

I'm gonna keep this one short today, too drunk to write anything important... see ya'll tomorrow when the hangover kicks in...

Night ladies...

Monday, March 9, 2009

Not all who wander are lost

Tonight, Diary, I'm going to try something different. Instead of writing to you after an evening of psychosis, I'm going to write to you while it's happening. Maybe someday someone will read this and understand what Hell is.

So here I sit. The curtains are drawn, the TV is off, and it's just me and you. I have my computer in my lap, there's a drink on the table, and I'm ready. Let's see what happens.

I just did it.

My head is exploding. I...

I feel like throwing up.

Now I know what I hear isn't there.
There is someone...

They keep calling me

"Dear diary."

Today was mostly a wasted day in the sense that I didn't achieve anything other than lying around on the sofa or sitting in front of my computer all day. But today felt kinda good. I felt like my skin wasn't crawling, my insides weren't on the outside, but I also felt sorta flat... non-committed to life.
Also noticed I've lost some weight... my clothes doesn't fit anymore. I guess I haven't really felt any hunger lately, and when I actually eat, I can't eat much cause' it makes me feel so sick and nauseous. Don't care much about it really, if my body wants to kill itself, I suppose it has a real good reason for doing so. Ignorance kinda seems like bliss in that case...

People don't make sense to me... I have no comfort zone. I don't know how to live. I feel like an alien.
When people talk to me, I can't hear them. When I go places, I feel alone. I see messages in the TV shows, on the Internet... I hear things other people don't hear... I decipher what they say wrong... Am I insane, or is it just the demons trying to take control of me? Like some evil masterplan to make me lose my foothold and fall handless into the abyss? Or maybe... just maybe... I'm playing the fucking victim so that people will notice me.

I feel so alone. It's like a sickness thats creeping inside me, making me panic. I can't sleep, cause' everytime I lay down and try to relax I start to feel uneasy, and the thoughts starts racing through my head. I need to keep going as fast as I can, live my life at 120 miles per hour so that everything around me blurs into a distant landscape where I cannot sense all the anguish and loneliness that's inside. But every once in a while, you're gonna have to stop and refuel, and that's when the panic strikes. If only I had someone to lay beside me through the nights, just to feel the heat of another body beside me (girls only, sorry guys...!) is such a great comfort, and even if it doesn't chase all the nightmares away, at least I can wake up knowing I'm not alone. The demons are such cowards. They don't dare come out of the dark when someone else is around... maybe they're too afraid that someone will see them and chase them away for good... which is fine with me, by the way.

But hey... enough bitching. Probably gonna be up all night, got some "medicine" to help me stay awake... Gonna make some calls in the morning, have to get all this shit with applying to an education sorted out... I'll probably be writing in you soon again diary...as soon as the insanity kicks in...

To everyone else, good night...

"it's something I have to do
I was there, too
before everything else
I was like you"

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Wish You Were Here

"Dear diary."

Gonna keep this one short today. Nothing much has been going on, at least not anything worth telling you. Been drinking all night with Johnny at his place, so I'm shitfaced and should be in bed instead of writing here. Talked to Nala over msn earlier, looks like I'll get to meet her finally. She said she could come visit me next week, so I hope that it'll work out. She's been really nice to me after all, and I didn't expect her to contact me again, but it feels good. She's a real beauty.

Going to bed... I'm so alone right now. I need someone to hold me, to sleep by my side so the nightmares won't come creeping and the demons will keep quiet through the night. But I'm still alone...


"In many ways I'm the burden
That divides us from the light
In many ways you're the halo
That keeps my spirit alive

Temptation, play the good or evil part
With me you evoke the dark"

Saturday, March 7, 2009

And everyone's eyes are blue

"Dear diary."

4 AM. Woke up a couple of hours ago from a nightmare, cold sensible and panicking from thinking it was real. I bet you've had one of those dreams yourself, when you actually feel real emotions even though you're dreaming. She was right there, as beautiful as ever, right in my arms. I could feel her lips against mine, feel her hands touch my skin. And then it suddenly starts to fade, the feeling disappears and I'm trapped in this huge cage, unable to escape, and is forced to watch her fade away. Stayed in bed for a while and tried to go back to sleep, but started shaking and went into an anxiety attack. Got up, had a beer and a cigarette, and now I'm sitting here in the dark alone. Erik went to Gothenburg yesterday so I'll be alone all weekend.

So about yesterday... I went to Borås as planned, arrived at 10 AM and met up with Jessica. We went to her school so she could attend her lesson and then leave. I hate being at schools, people just won't fucking stop staring. As soon as I got through the doors into the locker room, all eyes instantly went to look at me. I felt like fuckin' Jesus back from the dead from all that attention, but it made me feel so uncomfortable. A rockstar with stage fright, ain't that something? Ah, hell...

Anyway, felt good to be back in that town again. I really like the architecture and how the city's planned, the level differences and all the parks and little patches of green in the middle of all the concrete. As I anticipated, I also felt some anguish from remembering everything that has happened in that town. Guess I'm emotionally connected to that place in more than one way.

Around 2.30 PM I met up with Marlene and we went to a café to sit down and talk about what's been going on in our lives since we last met. I had a feeling I would feel really uneasy in her company, but it went fine. She has changed so much, in a good way. She still has that special something about her that made me love her the first time. Even if she has changed her style and appearance, she's still beautiful as hell. So we talked about pretty much everything, and at first, I felt nothing, but as the conversation drifted away into discussing my feelings for Tina and everything around that subject, I could not stop myself from feeling attracted to her once again. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and maybe it's just the memories fucking with my head, but it's not fair of me. She has her own life now, she has someone to love and who loves her back, and I should keep out of their way. I told her about how I feel like a little child who's lost and is desperately running around looking for someone to pick him up, hold him and tell him everything is going to be alright, and at that moment, I could see her eyes changing, and she seemed to be feeling sorry for me. But who knows, maybe I'm wrong.
But it was nice seeing her again, and she gave me a new perspective on quite some things. Thanks, sweetheart.

Afterwards we went down to town again, I was going to catch a bus back with Jessica and she was meeting up with her boyfriend. On the way back to Jessica as I was sitting on the bus, I suddenly felt a great pressure to my chest, and it felt like someone dropped a safe on my head. I felt dizzy, and had to concentrate not to drop my mask and freak out in front of everyone. Guess I couldn't handle being back in Borås after all. My demons didn't approve, at least, and gave me hell for it, throwing all the anguish and envious thoughts they could muster at me. I just couldn't manage to keep my face, so I knew I had to leave. Flee, like a coward, from everything that hurts, back to my safe haven where I can lie down, swallow as many pills as I can find, and silently drift away into oblivion where I won't have to face reality. And Jessica - I know you'll be reading this, so I apologize right away. There never was "something I had to do" in Falköping, I just panicked and had to get away as fast as possible. I know you're going to think "but you could have stayed here, I would have taken care of you" and that's really sweet of you, but it wouldn't have helped. You're boyfriend is a nice guy and I feel like we have a lot in common, but I just didn't feel comfortable showing him how much of a weak psycho I really am. And to be honest, I don't like showing that to anyone. So I'm sorry for lying to you about that, I hope you understand.

Went down to the station again to get on the train back, and as if it wasn't enough chaos going on already inside my head, guess who showed up? Yeah, that's right. She.
On her way to Varberg. The moment I saw her it was as if someone had stabbed my heart with a rusty knife. She looked great, hadn't changed a bit since I saw her last time. But I tried to be calm, not to look her way, and for some reason, I resisted to try and speak to her. To be honest, she seemed to feel more uncomfortable than me, standing just a few meters away, nervously playing with her cellphone and nearly running out to the tracks when her train arrived. Guess she thought I would stand up, pull out a knife and try to murder her. But I'm sorry baby, I'm not that guy anymore. You won't get the satisfaction of watching me freak out and become the person I was before. And I really thought she would be smart enough to figure out that I actually meant it when I said I respected her will, but as I got back to Falköping and logged in at bilddagboken, she had blocked me from viewing her profile. Now who's the fucking child here?

I guess that's my way of dealing with things. To wear a mask, a facade to shield myself from the realities of life, and keep that mask on whenever I need to expose myself to other human beings. When I'm sitting here by myself, with no one else around to keep me company but the demons in my closet (I can hear them scratching at the door, giggling, whispering...) I'm no longer wearing that mask. My body is dressed, but my mind is totally naked, but I know that as soon as another person enters the room, I'm not myself again. I smile. I laugh at their meaningless jokes. I try to conversate, but deep inside I feel the panic come creeping. There are few who've ever seen the real me, the person hiding behind the facade, and for some reason, these are the people I've hurt the most. Isn't that ironic? Maybe it's another of my hidden defence systems that I can't control that flashes the red light when someone gets too close and automatically makes me lie, cheat and hurt the feelings of that person so she abandons me and I'm back to sleeping with ghosts again. I don't know. I could sit here all night, writing down everything that's flying around inside my head right now, but when I wake up tomorrow, it's not going to make any sense anyway. So I'll stop right here, this is getting too fucking long...

Gonna find me something to help me fall asleep, hope I have some Imovanes left. They're my lil' dirty secret lovers, you know...


"Tell me what you think
Tell me, am I sick?
Desperation, termination, rebuilt
Goodbye my dear
Defeated, deleted, it was a guilt"

Friday, March 6, 2009

Your sins into me

"Dear diary."

04.30 PM, been awake for a couple of hours now, waiting to go down and get on the train to Borås at 08.50 PM. Today (today as in Thursday, that is...) has been really dull and pointless. Spent the whole day in front of my computer, staring apathetically at the screen like a zombie (I wouldn't be surprised if I even was drooling and making sounds like "Uhhrrr... braaaaiiins...nightelf...gaahrr") and only taking breaks when I had to go to the toilet or eat. It's days like these I wish more than ever that I had the strength to pull myself out of this meaningless subsistence and make my dreams come true. But I don't have that within me, that force that makes me constantly improving myself. My only motivation right now is her existence and my feelings for her, and I am grateful for that. Maybe one day I can stand on my own two legs without having to hold the hands of others for support.

Anyway, nothing interesting has been happening. The demons have been kinda' calm today except for some nightmares. Had a bit of an argue with her boyfriend earlier on bilddagboken, ended up with me blocking him. If she wants to tell me something - even if it's telling me to fuck off - she can tell it to me herself, without sending her boyfriend as some kind of diplomat. He really doesn't have anything to do with this matter, even if it's really noble of him to try and defend her.

So as I wrote earlier, I'm going to Borås today. Feels good in a way, but I'm really nervous how I am going to react when I'm confronted with all the feelings I associate with that place. I am meeting Jessica at 10 AM, then we're going to her school or something, I didn't really listen on that part, and afterwards I guess I'll be leaving my stuff at her house and then go down to the city to meet up with Marlene. Haven't seen her since last summer, so it should be nice to meet her again, even if I am nervous as hell. If I only had some vodka left...
I'll be staying the night in Borås, so I guess I won't be able to write in you tomorrow diary. Sorry for that. Sometimes I feel like you are the only one who's really listening to my insane mind.

I need to get laid, really bad. My whole body is screaming for sex, but I know I won't let anyone touch me, nor physically or mentally. I need to prove to myself that I can direct my love to one person only, and I know she really doesn't give a fuck if I screw around or not, but to me it matters. It's like my mind and my body is having a vicious fight, my body is screaming "Sex, sex, sex! I need to fuck! Let me at em'!" and my mind is replying "Calm the fuck down body, you're not getting anything until you're lying next to her again. Tough luck, asshole."
Looks like I'll be practicting celibacy for quite some time, but hey, another piece of insanity won't hurt, right?

I should start to get dressed now and put my mask on, have some coffee and prepare for a tough day.


"I shut my eyes to see better times
All for, trust more, but in vain
I saw the madness, our weakness
Destruction, corruption, no wonder I’m insane"

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Sleepless Again

Ah fuck, who am I trying to fool...

5 AM, still awake... drunk, my whole body is shaking from the nightmares, my head is aching from the constant horror movie that's playing inside, over and over again until I can't breathe.
Every breath I take without you is meaningless, every step I take is a step in the wrong direction without you by my side to guide me. I want your heartbeats to be next to mine, I need to hear your breath in the darkness beside me, I need to hold my arms around you and feel your soft skin against mine. The nightmares tell me of the hopelessness, tell me that the way I feel for you is all in vain, tell me that he is so much better than me. I could give you the world, if only you loved me back. I would be your Clyde, your safety, your reason - in every way I could. Your forgiveness would be my blessing, please forgive me for not being everything I could be to you.

Forgive me for never showing you how much I really loved you, forgive me for being an idiot. forgive me for all my fucked up mistakes, forgive me for everything. I need you, my heart needs you.
I need something to knock me out so I can fall asleep.
If only you were here...

"I wanna wake up where you are."

We're running out of alibis

"Dear diary."

Just got home from the bar, went down with some friends and had a couple of beers. So I'm drunk, and really shouldn't be writing here, but I guess I'm not surprised that I'm doing it anyway. I've always enjoyed doing stuff I shouldn't be doing. Makes me feel alive.

So, today's been quite enjoyable, actually. Got drunk last night and fell asleep around 2 AM after speaking to a nice girl via MSN, woke up at 12.30 PM and had some coffee and a cigarette. Sent some text messages to my bass player Johanna and asked if she wanted to cut my hair, and she agreed. It's good to have a woman in your band sometimes. So we had some beers, cooked some food and she cut my hair and dyed it black once more. It's the last time this time, before I start dying it blonde again, so hopefully I'll be blonde when summer comes. Also got a reply from Tina, and as I thought, the rumour about me having physically abused her was in fact, just a rumour. People should know when to shut the fuck up.

Nothing much has been happening except that, got a reply from the study adviser at Borås högskola, and it looks like I can start studying right when I move there, which is great.
The anguish has been bad today, had a couple of anxiety attacks from thinking about her and the way she ignores me. It hurts so fucking bad not to be able to tell her how much I feel for her, and I'm trying my best to fight back against that sickening urge to let my demons take control of me and once again become that despiteful son of a bitch I was before. But my mind is set, and I won't fail this time (Yeah, keep lying to yourself, fucker!). I have so much to thank her for, even now, she is the only reason I keep fighting this battle against myself. And even if it'll never be us again, at least she makes me keep improving myself.
So I've been thinking a bit about my alcohol abuse lately, maybe it's just a phase, but it makes me feel so much better. When I'm shaking and my thoughts are racing, I know that it takes only one shot, only one drink, for me to feel better. Most people would say that's the first step against addiction, but honestly - I don't give a fuck. I'm addicted to so many things, one more thing won't hurt, right?

Guess I should try to get some sleep and keep it short for today. Maybe tomorrow I can try to tell you about what's going on in my head. I'm too numb from all the alcohol to feel anything right now....
Night, ladies.

(Guys, you should be out there trying to get laid instead of staring at your screen. Seriously.)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Alone, Together

"Dear diary".

I'm never gonna feel comfortable writing that.

So today's been kinda' productive. I stayed up all night listening to music, abusing cigarettes and coffee. In the morning I called some places I had to call, talked to my landlord about getting out of my old apartment earlier than planned, which seemed to work out fine. So, on March 16th, I'm officially homeless, and finally, no longer connected to Vaggeryd, that fucking shithole of a town. Been having some problems getting a decision from my unemployment fund, which makes it troublesome getting an apartment in Borås. No one wants to give a loser without an income an apartment these days, they require a "stable income". And I'm far from anything stable right now. After some more coffee me and Erik went to Skövde, which was kind of fun. We went to the mall, bought some stuff, and then went back, took a detour through Varnhem on the way back. I tell you, it's fucking impossible to find your way in that town. Got home, and made the decision to drop the plans about getting compensation from my unemployment fund, and instead decided to start studying again. Yeah, that's right - after three years of work, I'm going back to school. Ain't that something.

Heard a rumour today about me having physically abused Tina, which is ridiculous. I could never lift my hands to hurt a woman physically. Of course, if she isn't begging for it, of course. Even if a girl is using a bat to refurnish my face, I won't fight back. It's just one of those things you do not do. We're men, we're supposed to protect these ladies. I don't know where that rumour came from, but it made me pissed of. Also, this evening I recevied a message from her boyfriend to "back off". Made me smile, it's kind of cute, really. He reminds me of myself, but in a "lighter version". And if you're reading this - any of you two - I won't mess with your relationship. But I will never stop showing my feelings, even if they aren't responded, I still have the right to have them.

Yet another thing that has been bugging me today is the way I react when I talk to anyone from the authorities. Even if it is a simple operator at Telia, I'm like a scared little boy, sitting whit my phone in my hand, trying to be as correct and well-spoken as possible. And when I hang up, I look at my hands, and they're shaking so fucking bad. I can't explain why I feel this way, but it's really annoying. I'm better than them, so why should I get anxious every time I have a conversation with someone who is in authority. I don't feel like myself anymore, it's like everything around me is putting so much weight on my shoulders that I can't think straight anymore. And I'm constantly reaching out for someone to grab my hand and pull me out of this hell, but no one seems to get it. Why should I call out for help, when no one is there to listen? Remember ever getting lost as a small child in a big place, like a mall or an arena? Remember that feeling of hopelessness, the panic? It's exactly like that, only I'm 21 years old and should be able to take care of myself.

So, that's pretty much it for today. Been sleeping all afternoon, but I'm still tired, so I guess I will make an early night. Early for me, that is.

Oh, and one more thing - I still can't stop thinking about you. You're my sunlight, even though you have turned your light away from me and left me in the dark. Deep inside, you're still the light that's leading me home.

Night fellas'

No place like home

Dear diary.

Cause' that's what you're supposed to write, right? I tried one of those real diaries, actual books, that you are supposed to write with a pen in. But that didn't quite work out, I just sat and stared at the blank pages, not being able to transform my thoughts into written words. Since I spend most of my time in front of this screen, I might as well use it for telling the story of my life. Most people call it "blog", and look, it even says so at the top of this page. Wikipedia tells me that a blog is a;

"website, usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video."

That could pass as a diary alright. And since I'm such a sucker for attention, what could be better than to display my personal life for the whole world to see? With that said, maybe I should write something you're supposed to write in one of those things...

As always, I'm still awake at this late hour. The nights seem to be the only time when I can gather enough energy to write something. So far, this day has given me no pleasure at all, with constant thoughts racing through my mind like razorblades. I wrote to Tina on bilddagboken yesterday, and our conversation ended with her writing "you are dead to me, do not contact me anymore". I received it, and as usual, responded with anger, a childish attempt at getting her to give me some attention. But as always, I felt regret afterwards, but did not write an excuse to her. So that must be some sort of progress I suppose. I still can't stop thinking about her. It's like a constant movie being played over and over again in my head, containing everything I love about her. Her smile, the way she kisses me, her soft skin, her laugh, that cute sound she makes when she sneezes. So yeah - I'm in love. Go figure. But I won't shove it up her face at least, and that's a huge difference from The Old Me, who would act in anger and selfishness, and hurt the people who were close to me. Fuck...listen to me, I sound like I'm some kind of shrink, trying to make a diagnose of my own, sick, twisted mind. How cute.

Anyway, plans for today:
- Go to Skövde with Erik and buy some cables he needed
- Silence the voices screaming at me from inside my head
- Not write to Tina, leave her the fuck alone for once. She deserves it.
- Go to bed early (like that's ever going to happen)

I'm such a hypocrite, but hey, we're all fucked. I just try to make the best out of it. You should, too.
In the future, I see a cup of coffee and a cigarette.

The day the whole world went away

Den här bloggen skrivs på engelska av en simpel anledning. Det är ett språk jag tycker om och kan uttrycka mig med. Jag trivs bättre med att tala och skriva det, och därför kommer alla följande inlägg skrivas på engelska. För dig som inte förstår engelska föreslår jag att du tar en kurs eller köper ett turistlexikon. Se på en engelskspråkig film utan svensk text. Spela mer spel. Prata med främmande människor. Och märk hur mycket bättre du kan kommunicera med ännu ett språk att använda.