Stories with bitter endings

8.08 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Crazy Lixx - Death Row

Dear diary,

Well look who's finally gotten around to it. Hi! Have you missed me? Of course you have. I knew it. You're too sweet. It has been longer than ever before since I wrote a "full" post here, and in a way it feels great. 'Cause you know, I've been telling you all this shit about me feeling worse when I over-analyze my head and everything that goes on inside of it, and that's exactly the reason I have been letting this shit be for a while now. So if you're expecting to hear a full report of how bad I'm feeling, and how much I miss someone, or something, you're out of luck. I mean, I have that kind of feelings, but I'm just suppressing them, trying to focus on positive emotions... which in most cases mean I act on impulse with just about everything. And to be honest... its been working fucking great.

Lately I've met a whole lot of interesting people, I've went from having no social life, to actually spending time with people I've never met before. It's both refreshing and exciting at the same time, a little taste of what my life used to be, and what I want it to be like. Constantly meeting new people, seeing new places, trying everything at least once and not giving a shit about what anyone thinks. I'm on my way there now, I can feel it. It's like I'm reborn, and I've come flying out of the womb like a bat out of hell, ready to take on the world and any fucker who tries to mess with my plans or myself. At least I feel like that sometimes... but not nearly enough. It'll hopefully be the beginning of a new period. The next stage, or something like that. But anyways... I mentioned something about meeting some new people lately, right? Some of 'em are more than just "interesting"... and as you can probably guess, they're all female. I've been getting some attention from quite a few ladies in the past few weeks, and as much as I like it, it also makes me so confused. It's been everything from just a small comment to practically telling me they want to be together with me... and that just makes everything so much harder. Each and every one of them are special in their own way, some of them shine more than the others, but all in all they're all sweet, caring persons who I wouldn't mind spending more time with. But I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with someone again until I've cleared my mind of everything that makes me such a bad fucking person. First then can I focus on making someone else happy.

We have a band again. Big news. Even though or first rehearsal was awful, and I got so nervous I forgot how to sing fuckin' Sweet Child O' Mine, we're still a band. It may be we don't have the guitarists yet, but the foundation is there and everything feels great. Our drummer, Tommy (yeah, his name is really Tommy) is driven and entusiastic, and that's just what we need. Someone to kick our asses when we (me and my faithful basstard) get lazy. We also have a gig booked in May next year, on a small festival in some random town in the middle of Sweden, which means we have about 7 months to make and release our first demo. We have some material already, mainly stuff from our drummers old band that we decided to use, but hopefully we have a couple of new songs ready by the end of this year. Ah hell, this might just be it. The start of the journey. The only thing I doubt at this point is myself. Sometimes I feel like I can sing like a beast, that I sound fucking awesome, and some days I just can't take a single note. And the fact that not many other people have heard me sing other than on recorded songs is also worrying. What if I'm walking around in a dream, a dream that is about me being able to sing? What if I actually sound like shit? Then what am I going to do? Play guitar? Nah, I'm a singer. I know my voice isn't suited for this whole rock thing, it's too fragile and high pitched to get that attitude that, for example, Eric Martin has. It lacks the punch of say... Axl Rose or Sebastian Bach. And if the voice is missing out, the music's going to sound like shit. Everything I ever wanted was to stand in the spotlight, to be the main attraction, even though it scares the shit out of me, I know I'm going to fall into the role of the rock n' roll singer when it's time. The show must go on.

I feel better about my appearance, that's also great big news. All this attention is making me believe I'm actually attractive to some people. If it's just the projected image they've seen and liked, or if it's who I am behind the mask, I don't know. But I don't feel that apart from the mask and the real me anymore, we're kinda' growing into each other once again. That tough shell is cracking up in a big smile, showing what's behind it. And for the first time in a long while I feel like I can show it to some people without being afraid it will drive them away or make them think I'm ugly. It's probably still gonna be a big play all my life, constantly changing masks between different episodes to whatever suits me best at the time, but hopefully there will also be times when I feel comfortable with just being myself. It all depends on the attention... always the attention of others to make me feel good about myself. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.

Ah, hell... this one's longer than the previous posts at least. I've probably left out too many things that I should've informed you guys about, but as I always say... let me get back to you. Tomorrow I'll be visiting my parents again, staying there for a day or so before going back here and hopefully attending a Halloween party where a lot of the interesting people I've mentioned earlier will show up. If I can afford it. Let's hope for the best. Later y'all.

Prologue, prolongation

9.28 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Ain't gonna happen tonight either. It's not that I'm too tired, I just can't find the inspiration or guts to try and put down my thoughts. I fear they will cause a very unpleasant breakdown. I'll just leave you with an exciting cliffhanger, that will eliminate the need for more meaningless posts. To be honest, I always...

Prologue, continuation

10.52 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Same shit today. I was meaning to write... but as usual, taking the first step to anything is like climbing Mount Everest for me. It's a curse. So, once again... I'll get back to you. If I can get myself to it.

Prologue

12.52 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Didn't want to let you down tonight, with me being back home and all... but I'm just too tired to make an effort. This place just makes everything that's good about me disappear... I'll get back to you.

Restless heart, restless mind

6.33 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Blackrain - Innocent Rosie

Dear diary,

Thought I'd try something new tonight. Instead of sitting here writing a full post at the same time, I'll just post whatever I'm thinking of and how I'm feeling for a few hours ahead. That'll at least give me an idea of how much my mood swings back and forth from euphoria to depression. So... let's give it a shot.

6.35 PM

Just saw a post on Facebook from Arjana, my old girlfriend, that basically said she's about to get breast implants. I can't help but feel that old jealousy coming back to me, 'cause bigger tits mean more attention, and I'd love to have a girl everyone's talking about (and would like to fuck). Especially when it's someone I've been that close to. But hey, it's been over 4 years since we broke up... and still, we had the best sex I've ever had. Maybe that's why I miss her so at some times. My mind won't stop fucking with my head.

7.34 PM

Talking to our new drummer (hopefully) on MSN, and getting really psyched about getting together and play again. This time it feels different... I mean, it's all there, the dreams, the anticipations, the positive feeling... only this time it feels like we're actually are gonna make it. We've been doing this for so long now, without getting a single bit further down the road to stardom, but maybe it's our time now. My plan will take us there, and I believe I've found the right people to make it work out. Feels great.

9.23 PM

Something's wrong. No matter how long I sleep, I'm still tired when I wake up. Today I woke up at 7 AM, stayed awake until 10 AM and then fell asleep again and slept until 5 PM. It's not healthy, and I can't seem to shake this feeling that nothing really is worth doing any longer. I get up, get something to eat, have a cigarette, and then go back to sleep again. Worthless.

10.24 PM

Watching a Quiet Riot concert from 1984... damn, they were so good back then. I'm sitting here, trying to find a name for the band.... which has turned out to be harder than I could ever imagine. Either everything's already taken, or it doesn't fit our style. We need something that is easy to remember, something that looks good on the huge advertisements and something that you can play around with a bit. If you have a good name, please tell.

11.47 PM

Oh fuck... me and my dumb, stupid fucking heart. Just heard from Jessica that a girl whom I've been watching for a while now is single again. And yeah, you're right, the 3-year old in me comes out in the spotlight again. "I want." It's a fucking mantra, repeated inside my head over and over again until it drives me mad, and after that it continues and drives me even madder, and after that... you get the point. I should stay the fuck away from relationships, I know that. You know that. But my fucking God, she is gorgeous, and everyone wants her. Only problem, she's attractive - I'm not. I've got to make some changes again. Looks that kill.

Triage at dawn

7.54 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• A whole lot of Lars Winnerbäck

Dear diary,

I love the early, cold autumn mornings. Everything is still and quiet, and the grass is shrouded in a thin layer of frost. I've been up since 4 AM, Jessica came here yesterday and she slept here, but she's still in bed. We've been doing that for a while now, just sleeping together, no sex or anything like that, just keeping each other company. I feel safe around her, which is rare nowadays. So right now I'm doing some laundry, and after that we'll get some breakfast and then I'll start packing so I can go to Jönköping and stay at Alexandra's place for a while, a week or so. She said she needed company, and I felt like getting out of Borås for a while could be a good idea. Besides, there's a lot of stuff going on with the band now so it's better if I'm there so I'll be closer to everyone. Also, next Friday there's a festival in Jönköping called "Nordisk Gårdsbandsfestival", some friends bands will be playing and I think we'll bring the band and party together with them, looking forward to it.

I don't even remember what I wrote in my last post, and I'm too lazy to look it up. But things haven't really changed that much. I'm still trying to deny everything I'm feeling, and some days I'm doing just fine, some days it's worse. I guess I'm getting by after all. Had a coffee with Louis yesterday before my meeting at the job centre, it felt nice too see her again, she seems to be doing alright. I'm glad we can still keep our friendship. Also met Tina yesterday, she came here and helped plait some dreads into my hair so I could see what it looked like before I decide whether to get it for real. It looked really weird, and I'm not sure it's really "me", but we'll see. It'll take a bit of courage to do something drastic about my appearance. I'm feeling bad about the way I look already, so if it would look bad I'd probably freak out and feel even worse about myself. I think I looked great before, last year, with the white hair and different styles I had. Much of that was because of the great work done by Marlene and Tina, and then all of a sudden I dyed it black again, and I instantly felt like I lost everything that made me look good. Now, with all this waiting of my hair getting longer, I feel ugly as hell. People tell me different, but I just can't believe them. I have a mirror, and I'm not blind... but hopefully, it'll get better when the hair has gotten longer. So there you have it - one of my biggest fears, and what makes me so unsure of myself.

I should get up and make some coffee, maybe wake Jessica up and go get some breakfast for us, and also try to decide whether I'll be going to Jönköping today or not. Later y'all.

Walking in circles

7.27 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

It's way past dawn and I'm still awake. In fact, I've only been up for a couple of hours. Sleeping is the only thing I'm really good at nowadays. It's freezing cold outside, autumn has put a firm grip on this country once again, and as much as I like it, I can't help my feet from feeling cold. I need to get some warmer clothing, and a pair of gloves so I won't get a frostbite, that would suck. How long has it been since I last wrote here? A week? More? Less? I've lost track... still, I can't shake this feeling of guilt that strikes me when I haven't written here for some time. It's as if I think someone actually cares about what I write, and I have to continue or else they're gonna miss it. Yeah right.

So... how am I doing? Great question... and I don't feel like answering it, 'cause I'm doing just fine without thinking about how I'm doing. The last few weeks have been like this, I try hard not to think too much about everything, to take things as they come and not do too much planning. All in all, it has worked out fine, with the occasional breakdown now and then. Last night, when at my parents house, I lied down and listened to music before I fell asleep, and as I shuffled through my playlist on my mp3 player I came across the song "Tidvis" by Lars Winnerbäck. I don't know why, but for some reason, as I listened to the song, everything I've been denying lately just catched up with me and I started crying violently. At the end of the song I was nothing more than a shaking pile of bones, doing everything I could to hide the fact that I was crying for my parents. And as if it wasn't enough, the song "Wrapped On Your Arms" by Fireflight came right next after "Tidvis" and further fueled the full blown anxiety attack I was having. I think of one person when I hear that song, and I think you know who after all this time, and the words "Wrapped in your arms - I'm home" have never been more true for me. I've never felt so complete anywhere else... just to be safe, and not have to think about antyhing else than just the two of you. I'd give pretty much anything to feel that safety again. That feeling of being home, where you belong.

I'm always searching for things to blame. Things that can explaing the way I feel. It makes you feel better when you know who's your enemy, what's behind all this malice going on inside your head. And I believe this feeling of not belonging anywhere is one of the greatest causes of my mental instability. I'm like a stranger in my own body, constantly trying to get back to who I was before all of this started, and failing miserably at the task. Not only am I hurting myself with all of this, I'm hurting others as well. If it was only me, I guess I could try to solve the problem in a far easier way, but things have gone past that point. I'm running around like a lost child in a giant mall, looking for someone to take care of him and show him the road back to safety, only I don't admit that to anyone, not even myself. I live in denial of myself and my own actions, believing I can be someone else, someone better, not realizing I can't improve anything until I've figured out myself. Shit... it makes me so confused thinking about this when I've tried so hard to put it away for some time now. But to be honest, I know what I need. But I don't know where to find it, so I just go on hurting myself again and again, stubborn to the very last breath. It's almost as if I haven't made any progress at all, just look back a few months on the things I've written in those posts - it's the same shit, over and over again. So maybe I'm not doing myself a favor by trying to ignore everything instead of trying to deal with it, but hey, it hasn't worked out yet, has it? So I'll just keep smiling, keep dreaming, and keep breathing. That's about everything I'm able to do to keep myself together.

I feel like I have so much to write, and when I started writing on this post, my mind was clear and I knew exactly what to write... now I feel dizzy and everything's just spinning. I need a cigarette...

Later.