Addicted

0.07 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack; Mumford & Sons – Sigh No More

Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Dear diary,

I guess I've been neglecting you again. It's not on purpose... or maybe it is. I find it easier to hide what I'm really feeling when I'm not writing in you.

We both know what happens when you hold everything inside of you. It suffocates you, to the point where you feel your life slowly fading away, and you gasp for air, trying to reach for a hand that never will be there to grab you. You know that.

I know... and here I've been thinking I'm doing well the last few weeks, but it's all just accumulated and now I can't hold it in any longer. It hurts, it hurts like hell to see her so happy with someone else. There, I said it. Even though he's totally fuckin' hideous, it doesn't change the fact that he has what I wanted so bad just a couple of months ago. She'll always belong to me, no matter what happens. I've spent so much time getting under her skin, and now she ripped me out and threw me away, but I'll find a way back in again, I promise. The anger and hate still burns inside me, the desire for vengeance for what she did to me, the lies and the cowardly way of trying to get rid of me. I still hear people talking about her, they know exactly what I'm going through, cause' they can see so clearly what kind of fucked up person she is, it shines through whatever facade she is trying to put up. And still it's just a button to press to ruin the rest of her life. It might even be worth it just to see her suffer.

I can't argue with you on that, dude. She's a fucking monster, even I can see that. We should smack her around a bit, it would be fun, wouldn't it? A broken nose, some bruises? I'd laugh all the way.

Not very good for your reputation, beating women, ya know? Even if she'd deserve every punch.

The only think keeping me somewhat sane nowadays is her presence in my life. And still, I can't find the words to tell her how I feel, so afraid of being rejected. So many opportunities in my life have been wasted beacuse of that major flaw, not being able to handle being rejected. It's one of my biggest fears, and it's coming from my self-esteem being non-existent. It'd be such a hard blow to my ego, a blow which I might not recover from, ever. So I sit here quiet and wait, watching her every move like some psycho stalker, trying to interpret her actions, and fearing that all those words are meant for someone else. She's all I see I my dreams, all I can think of when I'm awake, and all I want is to hold her in my arms until we fall alseep, and then wake up by her side, once again feeling safe for the first time in years. I'd want our love to be wild and uncontrollable, not perfect, I'd want us to burn together in a wild firestorm, feeding off the flames and the chaos, making our home deep inside where no one can hurt us ever again. The idea of living my life together with someone else was totally different to me just half a year ago, but now... I can imagine a future with someone like her. I'd still be fighting with the sickness inside of me, it would still try to drag me down to hell with it, every single day - but with her love and support it'd be a war worth waging. Now, it's pointless. I've stopped struggling, in the end it makes no difference anyway, I'll always end up at the bottom of the spiral, no matter how high I climb and what victories I claim. I feel like a lost child, searching for the loving arms of his mother, someone to hold him and press their lips to his forehead and silently whisper into his ear that everything, everything is going to be alright.

Just by feeling this way, I've already won. In just a matter of weeks, she awoke something inside of me that Z never managed to do in three years - simply because she was never worth the struggle. I'll never deny the part she played in my life, but I'm never going to acknowledge it if she doesn't, and she never will. The way she erased me so easily has made it impossible to ever feel anything for what we had, it's three years right down the drain. But in the end, I'll always win. Always. Cunt.

Dance to another tune

8 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPl2-F-39Eo

Det jag vill ha kan inte köpas
Inte stjälas, få till låns
Det jag vill ha kan inte ägas
Det är så mycket större än så
Jag kastar pappersplan från höghus
Mot en gnista gömd i snön
Jag måste tro att det kan hända
Jag måste drömma min egen dröm
För du och jag ska aldrig dö
Nej du och jag ska aldrig dö

Dear diary,

Had a great weekend, still a bit hungover though. My guitarist came here on Friday, had a couple of beers and talked a lot about the band's future, always feels good to have someone to share your vision with, and we're very much on the same level when it comes to ideas and plans. Later in the evening we were also joined by Alexi, a friend of mine who's also a musician, we got drunk and had a good time just talking memories. Got up on Saturday and started drinking again, later on we were joined by Emma and Rebecka, then went down to the gig. Not that into the music, but like I said, that wasn't the main reason to go there. Met a lot of old friends from Boras that I haven't seen in two years, and after the gig we all went back to my place for the afterparty. Got a bit loud, complaints from the neighbour, but all in all we had a great time, many new faces as well which is nice, made friends with a few of them. And I didn't have to sleep alone, a very welcome change considering who I shared my bed with.

All in all, I'm doing pretty well right now, mentally at least. I know, I know, it seems like every time I say I'm doing fine, it's only a matter of hours until everything turns around and I'm sent back to the depths of Hell again. But surrounding myself with a lot of awesome, supportive people is my way of dealing with this situation, and that warm feeling inside that's getting bigger every passing minute, of course. Someone new to focus all my attention on.

Gotta go get some sleep, tired as fuck. Later y'all.

Something to believe in

00.40 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Her Bright Skies – Diamonds 

"Cause' every minute
of every day,
I still know your taste
And I'm not living,
I just exist,
You wouldn't notice."

Dear diary,

Not much to report today either. Been writing some music today, a sudden strike of inspiration. Just waiting for my band to arrive and we'll put together the songs to a demo.
Planning on going to a gig this weekend, a band with some people I know are playing at a local restaurant, but to be honest I'm not really there for them, since a very special person is going to be there as well. Can't wait.

Pretty quiet inside my head today, the demons seem to be hiding at the moment, even been getting some non-chemically assisted sleep lately. Positive thoughts and images of her face help me fall asleep at night, that's a very welcome change. On another note, my hatred grows even stronger every passing minute. It'd be so easy to completely destroy her, and make the rest of her life a living hell, but I keep telling myself, is she worth it? Not sure about that, but since I know she's reading this on a regular basis,maybe I should leave a personal message? Haha, naah, the drama... ooh. I'm not even sure why I wan't to see her anymore, can't decide if it's to get it confirmed that she's a lying, false whore, or if it's to spit in her face, or to put it all to rest. Really can't decide, but hey, she's never gonna show up anyway so... I won't have to lift a finger even, people seem to be very negative towards her everywhere I go, without me having to tell them a single word about the whole situation. That's pretty convenient, gives me time to focus on better things, and better people.

I don't know... just over the course of the last few weeks, so much has changed. I find that december is the month where I choose to move on, it has been that way for the past five years. It's the time of the year where I bury my old self, piss on the grave and then move on to a better tomorrow. That feeling I've been having, that her presence in my life was like being a prison, that all my decisions were based on how she would react, and when I'm not having her circling above my head like a carrion swarm I can finally see clearly, and walk through all the doors that were closed to me before. And one of those doors lead me straight to her, an unexpected bump in the road that turned out to be a major turning point. After three years in an emotional ice age, caused by a deeply disturbed individual, something inside me has opened up, and the feeling is frightening at first, but then you get used to the idea of sharing your life with someone who completes you in all the ways the person before couldn't, and you take a step through the door, and then it shuts behind you. And suddenly, the sun shines through the clouds, strikes through that warped ribcage and unthaws the permafrost to discover that somewhere under that thick layer of cold ice, something is still beating. And it's been waiting for so long to beat for someone, and now the beat is getting stronger every day.

And at the end of the day, it turns out that "the man who couldn't love", just couldn't love you. 



Because you were never worth the sacrifice.

Hang on tight

3.20 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Her Bright Skies – I'll Be For You 

"I'll be the flowers that they place on your casket
I'll be the love that we knew would never last it
I'll be the moon when the last sun is setting
I'll be for you
I'll be for you "

Dear diary,

Nothing much to report, everything's pretty boring right now. Just waiting around, as usual. Been planning a lot for the band's future, creating new profiles on different social networks and so on. We'll make it. We have to.

Pretty strong feelings of separation anxiety today. Amidst all the hate I feel towards her, I still just want to sit down and talk about it. I'll never be able to put it to rest without that. But once again, she's too much of a coward for that to happen. And that just provokes me even more, turning into a spiral of hate and misery, but also a strong determination to prove her wrong and make her suffer the way she has made me suffer. An eye for an eye.

Never wound what you can't kill, sweetie.

Thorn within

1.02 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

 Metallica – Thorn Within


Forgive me father
For I have sinned
Find me guilty when true guilt is from within

So point your fingers
Point right at me
For I am shadows and will follow you
One and the same are we 

Dear diary,

Spent last night at Jessica's place together with Louis and Gabriella, had some to eat and just talked all night, slept together all four in a bed. It feels so good to be able to do stuff like that, back in Jönköping I had no one to spend time with, so I got stuck with myself and my murderous mind. I'm not saying it has become any better, or any less murderous for that matter, but now at least I'm not fighting alone. Soon I'll be joined by my bandmates as well, makes it's easiser to focus on the journey we're about to embark on together. Nothing's gonna stop us now.

Sleeping alone tonight, we'll see how that works out. Chest pains still won't go away, but no blood from strange places at least. Looks like I'll be able to see her next week, feels like it's gonna be really awkward, but looking forward to it anyway. You never know, miracles do happen every once in a while. Night y'all.
 

Scared to death

Got bored. Sorry for the bad quality.

https://soundcloud.com/sidney-holst/him-scared-to-death

Dancing with desire

12.42 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;


King Kobra – Dancing With Desire


I'm flirting with temptation
Coming close to complication now
Dancing with desire
You practice sweet seduction
And I'll follow your instruction now
Hangin' on the wire
Dancing with desire 

Dear diary,

Feeling pretty good today. Woke up with a smile on my face from dreaming about her, a nice change from the usual nightmares. Still having some chest pains though... I totally missed my doctor's appointment as well, maybe not the best idea but, hey. I guess they'll send me a new one. As much as I want to know how bad it is, I also feel that I'm better off not knowing, that way it'll all come as a surprise if something inside my body would stop functioning and hopefully it'll be over quick. I'd hate to suffer.

No plans for today, it's snowing like crazy here right now so I'm not in the mood for leaving the apartment, but it's so empty here right now so I'll probably join Jessica tonight at her place in town. A lot of waiting around right now, and we all know how patience really isn't my strong side... waiting for my drummer to move in, waiting for my furniture, waiting for a job, waiting to see her... at least I have something to look forward to, that keeps me going.

The separation anxiety is starting to wear off. Sure, there are times I actually miss her, late at night when I'm feeling weak, but then I remind myself I'm so much better off without her. The only thing that bothers me is her reluctance to talk about it. I can't lay it all to rest without talking about how fucked up everything came to be, but I know she'll never admit that she lied, she's too proud for that. I mean, after all we spent three years in an on-off relationship, and no matter how weird it was, no one but us will ever understand how much we meant to each other. How many good times we shared, amidst all the confusion. I think it's a shame to just bury all that without having someone to share it with. Right now it's just gone, with no return. She won't, and I won't if she won't. But maybe some people are better off dead. 

Gotta go take a shower, later y'all.

Gone but never forgotten

5.34 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Guns N' Roses – Don't Damn Me

"I know you don't want to hear me crying
An I know you don't want to hear me deny
That your satisfaction lies in your illusions
But your delusions are yours an not mine
We take for granted that we know the whole story
We judge a book by it's cover
And read what we want
Between selected lines"

Dear diary,

Just woke up, slept all day long since Jessica and Louis left. They decided to visit me last night after the bars closed, I was a mess by then so I gladly accepted. They spent the whole night here talking, hugging and just messing around, felt really good to get some distraction from my mind trying to kill me. We all slept on my small mattress for a couple of hours, then they got up and left around 9 AM. The best of friends, so glad I have them. Seems like my drummer is gonna start moving in next week, which is great news, it's a tad bit empty here at the moment, echoing through the rooms with no furniture. Also having my doctor's appointment tomorrow, I guess I'll go just to see what they'll say... been having trouble with my heart again lately, hurts like hell when I breathe, so I guess something's up...

The feeling of freedom grows stronger every passing minute. My mind is burning with anger and fury for what that cunt did to me, I'll never be able to forgive her for the deceit and fuckin' lies she were telling me, and if I get the chance I'll spit in her fuckin' face. I'm totally convinced that she had met this dude she's with right now before me - I know for a fact she has - and they started forming a relationship while she was still telling me she loved me, and then it got serious so she had to make an excuse to get rid of me to hook up with that sorry fuck. Right on, girl, nice move. You always had the saying "I'll just let karma fuck you up." written everywhere, but I guess it kicks back. Everyone I talk to say the same thing to me; "I can't believe you stood up with that fake bitch for so long", and that is from the people I once believed were her friends. I guess they can tell from a mile away. Funny how that works, karma... Anyway, good riddance. Now for some coffee and a cigarette. Later.

Toast of the town

4.27 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Deep Purple – Love Conquers All

Somewhere there's a place in your heart
Where the wounds never heal
Well you're not alone
That's just how I feel
Love conquers all
This one will last a lifetime
And if love conquers all
This one will last forever

Dear diary,

Once again, three new views from Kinna. If you're that curious, why don't you just talk to me? I won't bite. 

Not much is new. Two nights left until I move in, can't wait, life is so boring right now. Finally got an answer from my doctor, read through it real quick, but it was something about damages to my kidneys and blood counts that were way off, and that it could result in severe kidney failure if left untreated. Whatever. Got an appointment to do some more testing next week, but I think I'll just skip it.

I'm starting to get the feeling that somehow I've been set free from a prison I've been in for the last three years. I couldn't see it at first, but now the feeling is getting stronger each day. A feeling of freedom, something I've nearly forgotten how it feels. No longer is my every action influenced by her, no longer is my imagination and creativity connected to how she makes me feel. She's been holding me back for so long, and now that I've got my first taste of the freedom I've been missing out on, I'll never go back. The pain she caused, and the atrocious lies she was telling has made it easy to erase her completely from my past. I'll never get those years back again, and I'll never have someone to share them with again, but I can live with that, because it means I'll never have to deal with such a fucked up individual again. She always told me that my actions made it easier for her to forget me, and now her actions have made it easier than ever to erase her existence from my world. And she always said that I was unable to change, that I could never love with this disease inside my head, but it turns out the reason I couldn't was her. You can't love someone who doesn't believe in your love, and maybe she really wasn't worth the trouble of finding the passion again anyway. Besides, there's a new face in my mind keeping me busy with it's beauty. Can't wait to see her.

Until next time.

 

Maybe I'm just blind

1.36 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Guns N' Roses – You Ain't The First

"Time can pass slowly,
things always change
Your day's been numbered
And I've read your last page
You was just a temporary lover
Honey you ain't the first
Lots of others came before you woman
Said but you been the worst
Said you been the worst"

Dear diary,

First thing's first. I know you're reading. A bit harder to let go than you expected is it? Four views from Kinna, from an Iphone... hmm... who could it be... 
Seriously though, my offer still stands. Some coffee and some chit-chat, and this could be over for good. Your cowardice is remarkable.

You'll have to excuse my absence. I've been ill. Terribly ill. Someone tried to drag me down, and damn near succeeded in doing so. Yeah, you know who, and you know what. I was ready to let it all go, but took one last chance and fled the scene. Been in Borås for a couple of days together with some old friends of mine. It has been good, mostly. I haven't been sleeping alone, which is when I'm most vulnerable to attack from my vicious head. But now I'm back home in the woods again for the last time around before I move into my new apartment in Borås. Six more nights, then I won't have to sleep alone again, hopefully for a long time ahead. Should be nice, looking forward to decorating the place, now when we have a lot of space to fill out. Also having a party at New Year's Eve, combined housewarming and celebrating New Year's Eve, looking forward to it.

But most of all, I'm excited about seeing a certain person who keeps my mind busy just enough to keep her out of it. Didn't expect that, did you?

You took me by surprise, I have to admit. But really? You think you can handle it? Handle her? I'm ready to bet against it. I can sense that you've changed, but as long as I'm here, you won't get away with anything funny. So don't try. 

Watch me.

Eye for an eye

7.30 PM, In Hell

Today's soundtrack;

cuntcuntcuntcuntcunt

Dear diary,

So there we have it. She has a new guy, confirmed. It took her 45 days to forget all about me, or maybe she did right from the start. Now it doesn't matter anymore, I can as well become that psycho she tells me I really am. She has ruined my life, now it's time to ruin hers. And she deserves every last bit of it. Bitch.

Lay your hands on me

2.17 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Sleeping With Sirens – Scene Three - Stomach Tied In Knots

"See the problem isn’t you, it’s me I know
I can tell, I’ve seen it time after time
And I’ll push you away
I get so afraid

And I can't live without you now
I can't even live with myself "

Dear diary,

Too fucked up to write anything of importance. What difference does it make anyway... Did some moving today, so I'm sitting here by candlelight in an empty apartment. This time the walls aren't draped in memories like my past homes... the one in Vaggeryd was a black hole of pain and anguish, and the one in Borås had it's share of good memories, but also cold, black ones full of hate, fear and pain. I guess something really is dead inside. But yeah... this is it. Really moving away tomorrow, just hand in the keys and I'm gone for two weeks until it's time to move in on the 30th of November.

I guess my test results might show up this week. I'm gonna call them tomorrow and see if it's done already. Still a lot of blood coming out of places it shouldn't... also haven't been able to eat anything since yesterday, just some water. Feels like my body is shutting down on me, getting ready for it's destiny. I won't blame it. Time for a late night rendevous with some of my best friends... Mr. Benzodiazepine and Mrs.Flunitrazepam. Quite charming, really... 

Stranded

2.00 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Great White – Save Your Love

And here in my heart,
where no one else will ever be
I know who you are,
so lock the door
and throw away the key

Dear diary,

Not much to say about today, really. Had nightmares the whole night, constantly drifting in and out of sleep, so have been walking around in a coma all day long. Can't remember the last time I had a full night's sleep. Probably the last time she slept by my side. She's the only one who could make it all stop. Well, not all of it... but enough to let sleep embrace me for a whole night. I really don't know what to write here, my mind is not with me tonight. Feels like my head is padded with cotton, and I have trouble with my sight, but I think that's just the side effects from the meds. Not sure what it is, and I don't really want to know. I trust the guy, it is what it is.

Still waiting for the results to come back. Did the mistake of telling someone else about my personal hell, partly because she asked about it, and partly because I still am dumb enough to think someone else would understand. I know I'm gonna disappoint her too, just like everyone else. They all say the same things, but they don't know what it's like. They don't know I'm trapped, that I can't do anything about it. But they keep on telling me those things...

I wonder if he's smarter than me. Or better in bed. Probably both.

Probably? For sure, dickhead. It ain't hard being better than you, we both know that. So yeah, naturally, he's better in all the ways you could never be. Hurts, doesn't it? It's supposed to, you need to know your place in the gutter. Don't ever forget about it.

I still have that stupid photo of her that she gave me for Christmas. She told me to burn it, I think I might just do that. Not much to look at anyway...
Gonna go find me something for the chest pain, it won't go away. I hope my heart stops in my sleep, that way I won't even notice. Just go peacefully. I've nothing left to live for anyway.

Poison hearts will never change

10.46 PM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

AFI – The Leaving Song

"Poison hearts will never change."

Dear diary,

Been busy moving all day today. Really tired right now, so I'm gonna try to get some sleep soon. It's been rough keeping a straight face in front of everyone when my intestines feel like they're burning up from inside. Thank god for strong painkillers, maybe not such a bright idea when I already know they'll only make it worse, but hey... what does it matter now anyway. Just gonna wait for my test results, and see how long I've got. Could at least give it a try to make the best of it.

Pretty sure she has a new guy now. Nice. Gives me just another reason. See y'all in hell.

Secret

11.08, In the middle of nowhere, Sweden

 Today's soundtrack;

Stone Sour – Gone Sovereign

Dear diary,

I really don't know what to say anymore. It seems as if me writing in you makes it worse, people reading this diary and making up their own versions of the truth. Fuck 'em. I'm tired of it all... but mostly, I'm still scared. Took the courage to actually go to my doctor's appointment today. Don't know why I booked it, cause' if I tell them the truth, they'll lock me up. So I lied to them today. I told them about the pain in my stomach, told them about the blood in the urine, told them about the lack of appetite the last month, told them about the dizziness... but I didn't tell thgem of the nice lil' cocktail of pills I swallow every night to make the pain go away. I knew what he was gonna say anyway, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what is going on. He sent me to take some tests, and I'm waiting for the results. I know what they'll say, I'm only interested in how bad it is. The pills have fucked up my kidneys, they can't stand the constant abuse. I've read the symptoms a hundred times already, it all fits in. Maybe they've stopped working, and they'll have to replace them. 

Fuck that, I'd rather die a slow death than have someone elses organs inside my body. Besides, he said that the waiting list was a couple of years, that they had trouble finding suitable donors... and since my blood group is so unusual, it's even worse. My head is spinning, I just can't take it in. And amidst all this, she decides to write about me again, telling everyone she's gonna be so happy without me. Like I needed her to rub it in my face. So hostile, so different. We used to be so close, you know? And now... nothing. When I need someone the most, no one's there. Alone. Always alone.

Pull the trigger

3.49 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Slipknot – Snuff

So break yourself against my stones  
And spit your pity in my soul  
You never needed any help  
You sold me out to save yourself

Dear diary,

I can't control myself right now, this is spinning out of control. I'm scared. All day long, and I haven't been able to draw a single breath without it feeling like someone shoved a knife into my chest. I don't know what's wrong, but something's wrong. Maybe my heart has finally collapsed under the heavy stress. I googled "chest pain" all day long, freaking out over all the severe conditions related to it, nearly all of them fatal if left unattended... what if I go in my sleep? I won't have time to write or call anyone, so maybe I should write a note, just in case... I can't even remember swallowing all those pills, and I don't know what it was. It doesn't say on any of the bottles. I can't go to the hospital, they'll lock me up and I'll go even more insane in there. Out here at least I can run from what haunts me, even though I won't get far... What I'm running from is inside of me, and I'll always carry it with me no longer how far I try to run. There's no escape, I've known that for so long. Accepting my fate is not as hard as it used to be, I know now that I'm heading towards the end. That's what all the books about my illnes says, that it drastically shortens the life of the patient, and that suicide is very common when left untreated. No treatment has ever worked for me. It's in too deep, it has become such a big part of me that it won't die without taking me with it. Whatever it takes to make it stop. 

I've no pills left tonight, only a bottle of Theralen. Gotta get some new ones tomorrow, really don't have the cash but I can't go without, it's a hell I don't wish upon even my worst enemy... I've found that no matter how hard I try to sedate myself, the nightmares won't go away. Somehow they push through the thick veil of chemicals, and come out the other side even more twisted and dark. And they're always the same. Scenarios of me being left alone, people leaving, people happy with someone else, and always her. Her face. Her voice. Smiling, happy with some other guy whom I can never compete with. I try to scream, but my voice won't go through, as if a thick wall of glass separates us. I reach out my hands, desperately wanting to touch her, hold her, but her back is turned and she walks away, out of my reach. That's when I wake up to find that my whole body is numbed by the pills, I can't move a muscle, and I lie there for the next couple of hours, unable to get up, and constantly drifting in and out of a weary sleep. 

You've brought this upon yourself, boy. Don't try to get someone to pity you, 'cause you ain't worth it. You really think she's reading this? Get real. She. Doesn't. Care. You're not in her thoughts, even though she's constantly in yours. She has new people to care about, people who give something back, something you can never do.

I hear ya. But somewhere deep inside, there's still some hope left that you haven't been able to find. I got the apartment. I'm moving there. Maybe we'll meet then and realize all of this has just been a bad dream. Or maybe not... I'd be happy just getting to hold her in my arms again, if just for one night. To forget about all that has happened, and just be us two together for a little while, and take that small piece left inside of us of the love we once shared and let it become real again, just for a little while. 

You're dreaming again. Pathetic wishes, like I told ya - get real. It only hurts worse when you realize nothing of that will never come true. Sure, you're moving there... but it ain't gonna help ya when she wants nothing to do with you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner we can end this show. And there's not gonna be a curtain call for you.

You're right. Curtains down, here we go... 

Heartbeat

1.48 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Kid Down – Heartbeat

Dear diary,

I can't take it anymore. This chaos has got the best of me, hell, it has got all of me... I'm feeling it right now, the panic, the anguish, the pain. It drives me more insane than ever. I can't stand being rejected, being ignored, it burns a hole straight through my sanity, turning me into a monster. And nobody could ever love a monster. She blocked me on yet two more sites, and every time I find out, it starts welling up inside of me, a black cloud, poisoning my thoughts. I can't stand being ignored, can't stand being rejected and treated like fuckin' trash. Can't stand the loneliness eating away at my soul. Can't stand the thought of everyone else getting to have everything I want, the envy is choking me to death. I can't live like this. I can't. There's a quote that goes;

"Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. "

And it's so true, cause' most of it has sucked, and it's only getting worse. Nothing's gonna get better in the end, so I'm leaving this cinema now. This time I'm taking the whole bottle. See you all in Disneyland.

Jaded

4.02 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Guns N' Roses – Estranged

When you took everything
Said you took everything from me

Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now

Dear diary,

Well, that would be me, wouldn't it? Maybe not, but for now, I'm the narrator in this twisted tale. Yours truly is too fucked up to write anything tonight, so I'll be the good samaritan. He got himself burned again, found photos of that girl Emmelie he banged for almost a year. She has a new boyfriend, and it was too much for him, and he broke down. Weak son of a bitch. And as usual, he tries to take me with him in the fall, but by now, the chemicals only make me slightly more mad than usual. I'm immune to that stuff, which makes it so much more fun to torment him in his helpless state. I'm gonna see what sick dreams I can pull out tonight. It's gonna be fun watching him suffer, knowing that yet another girl has slipped out of his hands, into the hands of someone better. Another loss. Another defeat. As if he ever could win, nothing he does makes any difference, it only pushes people further away. And all that remains is the vast loneliness. Lucky thing he still has me...

Now get lost. It's gonna be a long night...

Solitude

11.55 PM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

 Hardcore Superstar – Standin' On The Verge

Yeah, I need someone
Need another soul
Restless, hopeful and a heart of gold

 Dear diary,

Been a busy weekend, so I haven't had any time to write in you. My drummer and my guitarist have been here all weekend, in their company I can't be the same person I am when I'm talking to you. No one would want to spend their time with someone like that, so instead I try to laugh it all away. But I really enjoy being with those guys, we feel solidified as a band already, each of us just weird enough to make it all work out. Went to a Halloween party last night, had a great time even though I had to sleep alone again, had kinda hoped for a special girl to join me. Well, whatever, I'm moving soon so that was her last chance. Let's move on, shall we?

I've spent the evening packing since I'm moving out on Saturday, so everything has to be put in boxes. I have a weird feeling inside. Every time I have moved it has been for the sole reason of survival, for the sake of moving on and not getting stuck in the same place - a thing that I'm still terrified of. To get stuck, to not be able to get out. To paint yourself into a corner. I always need an exit, or more than one if possible. My exit right now is to move back to the same place that has caused me so much pain in the past, but somehow I don't feel the same way about it anymore. It feels like a relief to get out of this place, and it's not associated with too much heavy feelings or anguish. Feels like a new beginning, but we'll see. Might just be another trap.

 Had a coffee with Cecilia last Friday, was a bit nervous about it since it was the first time I met her while being completely sober. I know, I know, it's pathetic to have known a person for about a year without having met her sober... but it was really nice. We've had our arguments and differences, but now it seems like we can finally accept that we are so different, and instead focus on being friends. I need more friends, for sure. The solitude I often long for is only enjoyable if I choose it myself, not when it's forced on me when I need it the least. But I'm hoping that's gonna change in the near future as well, I know at least one person in Borås who doesn't mind keeping me company through the nights. 

Well, I should get back to packing... or trying to sleep, or whatever... Still can't get my thoughts of Z out of my mind. But the demons have been kinda quiet, I guess I'm on my way to a new manic period... Let's just hope it lasts. Later.  

P.S 

Forgot to mention that we got the apartment we applied for. Fuck yeah.  

Sing me back home

02.02 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
 
Alter Bridge – Watch Over You


Snow is on the ground
Winters come
You long to hear my voice
But I'm long gone 

Dear diary,

Pardon my absence, I've been keeping busy down at the farm, which is not the right place to write in you. Physical work makes me tired enough to fall asleep early, and though it doesn't stop the nightmares, it gives me more sleep than usual. Not much is new, except that I'm getting out of my apartment on the 15th on November, great news. That means I'll be getting a portion of my rent back, sorely needed right now since I'm already selling everything I have of value to pay all the bills. Can't keep this up forever, sooner or later the bills are gonna stack up and I'll be back in debt for another three years. So sick of this, just give me a job...

Also having trouble finding an apartment in Borås, time is not on our side right now, but I'm determined on moving in on the 1st of December, whatever it takes. I've stopped hoping that she would actually see me then, a month from now is a long time, and she has probably found someone else by then, if she hasn't already now. I don't even know why I want to see her again, we both know we can never be together, but it's just one of those situations where you gravitate towards another person without being able to avoid it. There's new people in my life as well, and maybe I won't be single then myself, not that it would stop her from seeing me since she has no feelings left, and hasn't been having any for a long time as well...

I'm restless tonight, as every night. There's nothing or no one here to keep my mind busy, so it takes control by itself... and we all know what that means...

Damn right we do... I'm coming for you. 

The sinner

02.02 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
 
Bullet For My Valentine – Say Goodnight

I live my life in misery
I'd sacrifice this world to hold you 
No breathe left inside of me  
Shattered glass keeps falling

Dear diary,

It's gone quiet. For now, at least. I'm desperately searching for some clarity amidst this chaos, but no matter how hard I try, the haze won't lift from my eyes. I'm lost in a freezing blizzard, walking aimlessly across a neverending, snow-covered landscape. I see small glimpses of light in the horizon, but when I try to follow them they flicker and disappear. The hunger tears through my body, but it's a hunger not even the greatest of feasts can satisfy, I hunger for something more, something undefined, yet so familiar to me, though I do not know its name. 

Moments like these I pause for a while, take a deep breath, and then try to let it all out. Trying to spill every last thought in my mind, only to discover that no thought stays focused long enough to actuallt get it out before it disappears. I guess it's my curse, my burden to bear. Never being able to form anything out of what goes on inside my mind. I smile, I laugh, I play their stupid games, but for what? Only to go home alone, and find myself locked inside my head again, a dark, lonely prison where the warden wears a mask that bears the resemblance of my own face, but twisted and distorted, covered in shadows and bits of decayed skin. He only lets me out when I need to do something for him, working for nothing else than the promise of being locked away again at the end of the day. And I do it freely, because here, I am safe. Safe from anyone who tries to get in, the gates are closed and locked with so many locks no one has bothered to keep the keys to all of them, and those who have tried haven't made it far, the whole prison is full of traps and enemies, ready to tear innocent rescue teams apart. Here, I am safe. Nothing can hurt me, except myself, and it's a familiar kind of pain. After all this time, it has become more of a friend to me. Always ready to give me what I deserve.

It's gone quiet. But I know it's the calm before the storm, and it might strike fast. When I lay my head down on my pillow and close my eyes, I can hear the chains rattling deep down inside, the demons are pulling their shackles, getting ready to emerge from the depths to rain down fire on my mind, polluting my thoughts with visions of her with someone else, whispering to me how easily I was forgotten. I try to fight back, with chemicals I can't even pronounce the name of, x's and o's, bottles and pills. Their voices become distant, but they never, ever fade away completely. Always there, hiding somewhere in the dark corners, singing sick lullabies just loud enough to seep through the wall of meds I have built. I feel my heart pounding, even though it's supposed to do exactly the opposite. I guess the medical companies didn't include that in the list of contents. I know I shouldn't, I know it very well could be the end of me, cause' everyone keeps telling me so, but it's the only weapon I have left in this losing battle. Until I find a better one, or until the day of defeat, this'll have to do.

Not much is happening right now, just a lot of waiting as usual. Looks like I'll be able to get out of my apartment on the 15th of November, great news since I'll be getting back a portion of my rent that I paid for this month. I could use every single penny right now, desperate times when it comes to cash right now. I just need enough to pay off the first month's rent in our new apartment, then everything will have to work out in some way after that. It's just another adventure, one that I look forward to. But this waiting is driving me mad. Or madder than usually at least... 

 

Vargtimme

03.01 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;


Waylon Jennings – Burning Memories

My heart to you no longer matters
And I can't live alone with memories
Into the fire those dreams that you've shattered
And when the smoke is gone then I'll be free

Dear diary,

Yeah, feels more sincere calling you that. Except the fact that everyone can read my own personal diary, you're pretty much the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane. Waylon couldn't have said it any better, I need to burn my memories of her, even if it means that I have to throw myself into the fire. I guess I wouldn't get a fancy funeral, but people always seem to be better when they're already dead and buried, people only tend to remember the good things. I guess there isn't much of that to remember though. Anyway, been spending some time on the farm the last couple of days, that's why I haven't posted anything here. Just been keeping busy with the usual work, reparing the buildings, doing some driving for the neighbors. Not that exciting, but physical work keeps your mind occupied for a while. It's when I go to bed all hell breaks loose.

I still get severe panic attacks thinking about the fact that I have no means of seeing what she is doing. She has blocked me pretty much everywhere, little cunt that she is, so I won't even find out if she already found a new guy. I guess I'll find out eventually, but then it's gonna be too late for any action from my part. The meds aren't working, they're only making me dizzy, and I fear I'm gonna overdose again. I'm amazed I'm still breathing, even though I really don't want to. But someday it's gonna be night-night, one pill too many, one drink too many. Not that I do it on purpose, I just seem to gravitate against a fate that I've welcomed long ago. Who knows, I might even make it into the 27 club. Maybe then she'd remember me. Maybe then she'd care.

You're only foolin' yourself again, pal. Your long forgotten, not a single thought in her mind is spent on you. Didn't you hear me? She got over you so quick, you were so easy to forget. Nothing you has was special, every single day of those three years was forgotten about in a matter of days. All the time you spent together, all thos nights, all the crazy sex, all of it sums up to nothing. She wants nothing to do with you, because you're a fucking disaster. Everywhere you go you bring a darkness with you that suffocate people around you, a cloud of poisonous, invisible gas.

We both know where that cloud comes from, but you're right. Again.

Damn right I am. And don't fool yourself into thinking everything's gonna be better when you move. You're gonna call, she's gonna answer and tell you she's happy with someone else, you're gonna panic and here we go with the fucking pills again. Maybe even get a few rigs and do it the old fashioned way? That would be a great way to go, and you wouldn't feel a thing. But you're too much of a coward for that, ain't ya? 

I'll let you think that for now. I'll show you.
Well, gotta try and get some sleep, meds already taking effect. I can already hear the cracked voices calling for me, waiting to torment me in my dreams. Tomorrow I'm gonna see W.A.S.P on their stop here in town, it's gonna be great meeting some people. I'll try to dress properly, getting noticed is always nice. And I won't have to sleep alone tomorrow, maybe she'll make some of the monsters keep their distance. I can't take this much longer.

Lone gunman

10.50 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Katatonia – My Twin

I think of love
I let it pass
It feels like fire
But it won't last

Been up since 4 AM, was supposed to take a powernap around midnight but as usual, I slept for a couple of hours instead. My whole body is still shaking from the nightmares I've been having, and I feel weak. My life is all about waiting right now, and I'm the most impatient person there is. Waiting for someone to call about my apartment, waiting for someone to take my old one off my hands, waiting for someone to come into my life and make it all worth it again. Sick of it.

Guess I should get back to putting all my belongings in boxes, ready to move on to the next destination. Over and out.

Time after time

 3.55 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Bon Jovi – Born To Be My Baby


Too drunk, really, but I'm gonna give this a shot.

Still thinking about her, but all of a sudden there's a new face in my dreams. I can't really say if she's something I'd like to have in my life, but she sure shines through the rain. And those dead butterflies at the bottom of my stomach at least get some of their former vitality back.

Newsflash; probably found an apartment in Borås, a nice 3-room apartment with 2 walk-in closets and 2 bathrooms. Should be awesome, now for some unbearable waiting before they call and want us to sign the contract. Over and out.

This came as a surprise. Unexpected turn of events. Damn it.

I'll see you in my dreams

4.10 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

The Dangerous Summer – Where I Want To Be

I wish you'd try to save me
Your silence makes me crazy

I should be sleeping by now, I can barely keep my eyes open. Did something bad again, popped a couple of pills, and I'm afraid they're gonna start messing with my heart again. Ever since the accident it hasn't been working properly, I had regular chest pains for a year after, but they've become more unusual since then, until now. The amount of meds I've been stuffing in my mouth the last month is frightening, just to get by, just to forget and maybe, just maybe, to stop breathing. It is at this time the demons usually come out in full force, out of hiding. They've been lurking around in the shadows the whole evening, and they know now is the time to strike. I'm weak, weak because I can't stop my mind from unraveling. I'm thinking about her again, what she's doing, and who she's with. If he's better than me, smarter, funnier, prettier... which is probably the case. Who would want this sorry piece of shit.

Right on, bro. Now you're starting to see my side of this story. You're right, she's probably spending the night in someone else's bed. Happy with someone else. Stings, doesn't it? It's supposed to. A constant reminder that you're worthless, just a big fuck you to everything you've tried to become, but failed miserably at. You know she doesn't give a damn about you anymore, she's moved on, and for her it was so easy. She just forgot about you and all your time together in a matter of days. Gone. You, on the other hand, will be stuck here forever. Forever.

You're right. But still... I can't stand the thought of someone else having what I want so badly, rubbing it in my face every second of my life. These thoughts are driving me towards something I fear more than anything else, becoming something so vile... 

It's not love, dear.

Late october

 4.54 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

The Hillbilly Moon Explosion – My Love for Evermore (feat. Sparky Phillips)

We stood on a cliff in a starless night
I held your hand in my mine...
so stand by me with all your heart,
I need you by my side
 

I came back. Didn't believe it myself, but I guess this is my only way of finding my way back to a version of myself that had some creativity left in it. Should start reading more books in english as well, I fell like I'm starting to lose my ability to express myself, not only in english but in my native language as well.

As I'm writing this I've begun packing my belongings into boxes once again, leaving only the things I need until I move still unpacked. I've done this so many times by now, it has become a ritual to me. It feels like I'm taking all the anguish, fear and darkness that has been accumulating inside of me since I moved back into this town, and putting it into the boxes together with all the other stuff, and when I arrive in my new home I get a moment of clarity from all of it, since it's still inside the boxes. It's when I slowly start to empty the boxes that it creeps out again, seeping into every dark corner of my new home, ready to strike whenever I am vulnerable. I'll never get rid of those shadows, I know that for a fact, so I do what I can to stay away from them, but some of them are parts of me that I can't run from, so it's really no use.

Yesterday there was some dude here to check out the apartment, I really hope he takes it. In that case I can probably move out on the 15th of November, and then spend two weeks at my parents home and move into our new apartment on the 1st of December. It's always been like that for me, I have to take the decision and then act quickly, before I get stuck and spend months walking around my apartment like a ghost, longing to break the chains and move on. So for those of you who didn't know, my next destination will be Borås. Once again. I should have learned my lesson by now, with so much shit that has happened to me in that town, but for some reason I keep gravitating towards that place. This time I won't be living alone, my drummer is gonna join me, and hopefully my guitarist as well as soon as he has found a job there or some way of getting an income at least. Living together with the band probably is more of an advantage than a burden, I'm hoping that I will be so busy with becoming a rockstar that my demons won't even get the chance to mess with my head.

Oh, you really think that's gonna work? Hasn't been working that well in the past, has it? That's right. Useless.

Shut the fuck up, will ya? I'm trying here, for the first time in a very long while, trying to make some sense out of this. I'm gettin' pissed at myself here for being unable to let the words flow like they used to. Read back a couple of months last night and was blown away by the way I was expressing myself. Where did that come from, and why did it disappear? I'm gonna find out, that's for damn sure. It ain't over yet.


It's been over for a long time... you just won't admit it to yourself... I know she's gone, I heard her myself. She lied to you. She lied, because you're such a piece of shit. You don't deserve honesty from anyone, anyone but me. I'm your best friend, remember? I tell you the truth. She didn't. She's probably in some other guys bed right now, sleeping on his chest after they fucked all night, and he fucked her good, you know that. Better than you could ever dream of. And he tells her all those things you couldn't say because you were too scared, too fucked up, too bent on living that dream of yours that never came true. Oh, don't tell me about it, I've heard it all before. It's gonna get busy around here pretty soon, trust me. I ain't done with you. 

Back for more

6 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden


 Back from the dead, eh? Never thought I'd open up these pages again, not after last time at least. But I guess I have my reasons this time.

First of all, I have no friends left. At least no friends that I can share these secrets with, because they simply wouldn't understand. This leaves me in a solitude I have not chosen, yet it is something I will never find my way out of.

Second of all, I'm doing this simply to see if I still have it in me. The last few years I have watched my creativity crumble and disappear into nothing, leaving me completely dead inside and unable to make sense of anything. I look back on these pages and read my words, not recognizing them, as if they were written by a complete stranger. I look back, and I miss it. No matter how much I've suffered in the past, nothing comes close to being this numb, and I'd give anything to feel that fire in my veins one more time.

This time around, much is different. I've wandered down paths I never dreamed I would take, and yet, I come back to the same place I started, over and over again. The only thing that's changing is my demons. They take on new disguises, new names, but in their twisted, charcoal hearts, they are all the same. I fear they have become such a big part of me that it's not even me moving my fingers around the keyboard right now, that somehow they have taken control of my body.

I can't even start explaining what has happened since last time I posted here, it would take me a week. And I don't even want to explain, since explaining means I have to think about all of it, and that would probably kill me right now. My head is spinning already from just writing about it, and I'm losing focus. Fuck it, let's just see where this takes us. If you're reading this, because you're a friend (or an enemy) or just a random person stalking me, I'd suggest you start by reading the story thus far. It helps when it comes to understand this hell that my life has become. Enjoy.


Oh, I will... I will...