Hateful

10.11 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Dear diary,

I really can't control my anger anymore. It has reached the point where it gets real frightening, it takes just one wrong word to unleash it and it grows bigger than ever before, unleashing massive amounts of hate, anger and wrath. I can almost feel my blood boiling and my heart pounding, fists clenching... I know I could do what it makes me want to do, all the barriers have been breached and there is nothing left that would stop me... maybe the thought of spending the rest of my life in prison for mutilating some whore who probably had it coming anyway... but then they'll have to catch me first.

Leaving hope

8.27 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

So this is what it has boiled down to. An insight, as painful as a thousand razors running down the veins of my heart, yet it is a release. The events that led me to this conclusion have been both painful and a cause of great anger and hate. Now I know;

- I can't let people into my life because of everything that has happened in the past (consult earlier entries in this diary for explanation). Making new friends is impossible, everytime someone is starting to get close, I push them away. Hide.

- People I have considered as friends are no longer making sense to me. I have alienated myself from their life, or maybe it's the other way around? No one who knows me well wants to be around me, or lie to keep me under false pretence. I resent their actions, and have tried for far too long to endure their lies and fake smiles.

- My dreams and plans for the future all involve passionate people who are willing to burn together with me as one. As a result of my inability to engage in long-term relationships, this is impossible to achieve.

- I'm alone in this. No one feels like I do, no one can ever understand me, because I can never explain myself fully to anyone. This leads to solitude.

- Solitude means that my hopes and dreams are all in vain. Without any ability to share or explain them fully to another living being, they will remain in my head until the day I die.

- This insight leads me to the conclusion that because my dreams and plans for the future will never be realized, my life is worthless. Meaningless. Pointless.

- A pointless existense is redundant, and does not contribute in any way to the society or to himself, and therefore must cease to exist. Self-termination is the only option.

- Suffering within the lone individual will increase with time passed after the conclusion has been made. A quick decision and execution of before mentioned measure is of the essence.

- Since outside help can't be accepted because of my mental condition and various flaws in my personality, such offers will be firmly, but kindly ignored.



Looks like I've lost this battle against time. We all do, eventually, but this time it's my turn.

Night's sorrow

4 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,







I fucked up. Big time. Now I don't know what to do...

Away with these nightmares

4.05 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Should've been asleep by now, but instead I got stuck on some random video-page, watching fail-videos and random clips for about 3 hours. Total fucking waste of time. Which is all I do nowadays. Wasting time, wasting possibilities, wasting talent, wasting dreams - wasting life. And it has come to the point where I am totally helpless, I can't change the situation even if I wanted to, I lack the strength to drag myself out of this hole I've fallen into, which creates so much anger inside of me that I'm afraid I'm going to burst in a thousand pieces at any given moment. There is so much I want to accomplish, and time is running out. Let's face it - I'm worthless, and too damn proud to admit it to myself, so I'll keep on planning, keep on dreaming, keep on thinking that maybe one day I'll be strong enough to get to where I want, only to realize that it's too late - and has been for decades.

A bullet to my head would be the best solution, that way all this anguish, anger and suffering would end, and I'd take my dreams to my grave where they would rest peacefully for once. I'm so tired of this... so tired of everything.... just so tired...

Bad seed

11.51 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden


I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you



Can't take this any longer. I'm trapped. Behind bars.
No one... should ever be caged...

Join the club

5.12 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I remembered too late what effects that medication has the day after you've taken it... Woke up around 4 PM, dizzy, tired, blurred vision. I've been walking around in a coma ever since, but at least I've managed to eat something. The hospital called earlier... a really nice nurse or... receptionist, whatever... she asked me how I was doing, if it was an emergency or if I could wait a couple of weeks to get an appointment with a doctor. I said it didn't matter, I mean, I've lived with this for so long, what difference does it make? She seemed to care at a genuine level, nowadays you always get the feeling that people who work at hospitals, doctors, nurses and so on, they don't care about their patients, it's just their job to try and make everyone feel better, and they don't commit on a personal level.

But maybe that's what they've got to do to remain sane... what do I know. Anyway, I need to get up on my feet and do some grocery shopping... if I can make it outside without falling, I'm feeling so dizzy...

Thorn within

1.36 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I can't sleep. I can't relax, when I close my eyes, everything I've been holding back comes rushing back through my head, like a giant wave. I had to wake Alex up to ask her if I could take some of her Theralen... but that stuff's so weak it doesn't make any difference.

I did something I never thought I'd do again... I booked an appointment with a doctor to get treatment for my psychic illnesses... I'm so afraid right now. I can't talk to them, I can't say the right words to make them understand. They'll just put me on some weak medication and then say everything will be better. They won't understand.

To something better

11.40 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Where do I take this pain of mine
I run but it stays right by my side
So tear me open, pour me out
The things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me, so hold me until it sleeps


Dear diary,

Another update, far too uncommon these strange days. But tonight, I'm cleaning out this dark, twisted, sinister closet full of too many ghosts to even begin to grasp. I'm unable to give an update of what I've been up to since the last post, too many things that are spinning around inside my mind, my memory fails me... almost as if it has started to fade away, in some clever manouver to erase the past that constantly haunts me. I mean... I thought I was doing well. Still far from sane, or through with this disease... but better than before. And all of a sudden, I find myself in a darkened room, the walls are slowly closing in, my heart is pounding, my head hurts and I can't breathe, and as I gasp for air, the last flickering light from the outside world disappears and everything is dark.

"You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold..."

I know now that everything that glitters is not gold. Maybe to the naked eye, the surface gleams and shines and takes you in with all it's beauty, but under that shiny surface is only dark, dirty lead. Poisonous and heavy, it is my cross to bear. My cross to die upon. It's the freedom I want, but why I want it, I cannot tell. Too many things I cannot tell, too many conclusions to be made for too many problems and issues. It's too heavy, I can't stand straight any longer, drags me down to the surface of the planet like a ticking clock, taking me closer to my grave... tick...tick...tick.

Time will forever be my greatest nemesis, the one thing I cannot defeat or overcome. Helpless.

It's hurting people around me, people I hold dear for the very relief they bring into my life, light that shines my way so I don't trip and fall down into the deep abyss beyond my path. Decisions to be made, so many things to decide... I'm dizzy 24/7, like walking around in a thick fog that surrounds me, eats me through every breath I take, making it's nest deep inside my lungs, filling them with it's suffocating presence inch by inch.

No matter what I do, things always seem to get worse. And I can do nothing. Helpless.

Maybe I was never meant to share my life with anyone. Maybe I wasn't meant to live at all, I mean... who knows? Maybe someone should have stood in front of me in the line, but somehow didn't make it, so they had to send out the substitute who didn't really meet the qualifications, but had to go out there into the world anyway. Fate, as we know it, maybe it's all predefined, and there is no way to get out of the carousel once it has started spinning? Sometimes I feel like I can't hold on to anything, it's always slipping out of my hands, regardless of how much I need it to live. Sometimes, I am the one to blame, not seeing clearly what I need and what I want, and sometimes people just slip right out of my hands without a last chance to hold on to them. The power of free will. Or maybe the power of my fucked up mind.

I can't stop my mind from unraveling, sending misery and pain out to harm everyone around me. But they can't even begin to understand the pain it brings inside to see them hurt by my actions. It's like thorns pressing against my heart, piercing through it's very core with poisoned tips. Maybe that's what makes it skip a beat every now and then.

If it's all about being free, why doesn't freedom alone make me satisfied? When will I ever be satisfied? I fear the answer is; never. No matter how high I fly, the sun will always be too far away. No matter how much success I have, no matter how big and shiny my crown is, there will always be a hunger for more, and more, and more. The grass could very well be greener on the other side, but if it tastes good, does it make it worth it? I can't tell. I never can't tell.

Helpless.

Antiquated

3.08 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Dear diary,

Tonight, I need your love.

I need it more than ever before. It is in this very moment, the moment where all this pain, anguish, jealousy and fucked up distortions of my mind sends me crashing to the ground like a fighter pilot hit by enemy fire above no-mans land going down in flames.

Tonight, I need you close.

I need you closer than anyone has been ever before. I need to feel every inch of your skin touching mine, every beat of your heart resonate through my aching limbs. I need to sense your pulse next to mine, and become one with it. I need you to unravel the secrets of my heart, break the chains that have imprisoned me inside this mind and body.

Tonight, I need your sympathy.

I need you to understand why I'm desperatly trying to dig deeper into my past to find answers that never were there from the beginning. I need you to understand why my heart misses a beat every now and then, I want you to see the scars hidden underneath my skin. I need you to sense the fear I live with every second of my life, the fear that lies so deep inside my mind I can't reach it, can't pull it out, can't erase what's constantly tearing me apart.

Tonight, I need your patience.

I need you to wait for me. I need you to tell me it's worth it, that this dusty road is taking me closer to the place where I find peace. I need you to kiss me and tell me everything will be alright, that life is beautiful and show me everything in life that I have been blind to before. I need you to breathe life into me, but most of all, I need you to patiently wait while I fight this battle with my past.

Tonight, I need you to complete me.

I need your laughter to fight away my tears. I need your breath to force my lungs to cooperate. I need your hands to guide mine, your legs to walk me towards my target, even if there is no target to be found. I need your clear thoughts to compete with my disillusioned view of the world, I need you to tell me I am wrong. I want you to lead me, step by step, hand in hand, to a better tomorrow.

Tonight, I need your love.

I need it more than ever before. When I'm scared, lonely and hopelessly lost inside the wanderings of my mind. When memories of the past, once happy and bright, now plague me as dark and twisted nightmares, always with me, asleep or awake. When I'm stubborn as a child and won't admit that I'm letting things go too far. When I'm letting the sickness guide my hands, and my eyes. When I'm alone, and desperately crying out for help, for someone to take me in their arms and give me comfort and safety, if only for a brief moment. When everything I do is focused on one thing, and everything else gets left behind. When all I do is obsess, obsess, obsess over something that hasn't been mine for a long time, when all I really should do is obsess, obsess, obsess over you. When I get caught off guard, daydreaming of a better place in a perfect world, where all my sins are washed away and I can start all over again, when I really should be living the dream that is you instead. When I fail to call you back, when I'm not in the mood for sex, when I can't convince myself to get dressed and go to that party because all I want to do is crawl into a dark corner and stay there until my mind has stopped spinning. When I'm out in public and all of a sudden get tense and stop making conversation, when I'm not there for you. When all of this is through - if it ever will be - I will still need all of this, but tonight, most beloved, tonight, I need your love.

Release the wolves

1.54 AM, Jönköping, Sweden


Dear diary,

Jealousy and envy is fucking with my head again. It just won't let me be, like a giant poisonous black cloud engulfing every drop of sense in my head. I'm letting it control me, I'm letting it take advantage of me. I can't live like this. It has got to stop.

Carry with us

10.57 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

It's been too long, as usual. I'm getting sick of spilling my anguish over these blank pages, so sick of trying to explain to the world what I'm suffering from. So I stop, but from time to time I come back to make a post. And now it feels like I have nothing more to say, but I'll try to give a sitrep at least.

Things are changing, both around me and inside of me. I feel different since we last met, dear old diary. I can't really tell whether I'm moving in the right direction, or in any direction at all. I'm just floating, slowly through this reality around me, feeling disconnected from it - like a leaf, in the merciless hands of the strong autumn winds. Most of the time, it's quiet inside my head. I can still hear the echoes, still feel the whispers coming from the dark corners of my mind, but the constant hell I've been through for the last couple of years have started to wear out its welcome. I have a feeling though that it won't keep quiet for long, maybe it's just licking its wounds from our last battle - and it wasn't the onöy one who got hurt. I've got scars of my own, scars I try to hide in my everyday life, trying so damn hard not to let myself be vulnerable in front of others.

The loneliness is the worst. I have a cronic feeling of loneliness and emptiness. In a room full of people I know, I still feel alone, like no one hears me talking, or my words come out distorted and twisted. Because of that, I get quiet, and when I'm quiet people think I'm shy or rude - and further increase their distance from me. And I'm still sleeping alone through the nights, my whole body is aching to hold someone close, to feel the warmth of another body next to me, and sense their heartbeats next to my own irregular beats, creating a soothing rhythm that propels me into peaceful dreams of a better tomorrow. A tomorrow where I'm tightly holding hands with someone my heart beats faster just by looking at. A place where I wake up every morning to the faint sound of breathing, bad-breath kisses on my neck, soft hands running down my chest. Somewhere I belong. And so I keep on dreaming. Solitude is my new curse, my cross to bear this time around - and I blame only myself. Myself and my fuckin' head playing mind tricks on me, fooling me into believing I don't need anyone, that all the girls in the world will offer their bodies to me - the great rockstar with the giant ego, and a neverending appetite for sex, booze, drugs, tits and rock n' roll. But that's not me, that's just a role I'm desperately trying to grow into. Learn to play it so well that one day I'll become that actor, our personalities meld into one. Some days I feel invincible, and that everyone wants me, I'm Mr.Perfect, with looks that kill, sharp dressed and smooth. But let me tell ya, that shit wears of faster than you can say "manic depressive!". The next second, I'm back to that dark fucking place again. And so the broken record plays...

I guess I've lost track of where I'm going. Things aren't moving that fast anymore, and I've lost focus. The band isn't going anywhere, we're losing members, and I'm feeling like my vision isn't getting through to the others. In order to fulfill my dreams, my companions must share my vision and my will to reach the stars. I find myself looking back into old memories once again. I find a kind of solace there that makes me both smile and weep, the emptiness they've put inside of me, and the longing to get back just to experince those times again. I watch old photos, listen to the same music, think of all the times I've had with people close to my heart. I'm growing older by the minute, and I still can't pull myself out of this damn chair, out into the world and make something of this life. But maybe it's too late for me now. Time will tell... and I hate that saying more than anything, cause' all time does is tell you how little there is left of it.

"Don't you want somebody to love? Need somebody to love?"

Heartbeats

1.57 AM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I couldn't bring myself to write anything here tonight, even though I want to write a book with a thousand pages about how much I want you to be mine. There would be a thousand appendixes, each and every one giving you another reason why I need you, want you, love you. So instead I reached into my mind and brought up some dusty old memories, and made them into some lyrics for you. In Swedish this time. I hope you like them.

http://decemberskuggor.blogspot.com/2010/05/8-nastan.html

Blood on me

1.32 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

I'm keeping quiet til there's no more sirens
Lately it's hard to keep the hinges on with all the noise
I'll find my words when there's no one talking
The room is spinning, I have got no choice
Be patient, I am getting to the point

I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then
I'm only spinning

Dirty women

5.47 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Dear diary,

Yet another nearly-nude pic. I kinda like it like that. It gets me in the right mood, plus, my fascination for the female body is neverending. Such beatiful pieces of art, the bodies that some women carry around... A lot of my female friends have killer bodies, and all I can think of is how great they'll look without all the clothes they're wearing. I think I'll have to get rid of that habit, it's makes normal conversation so much harder...

Anyway, today's been full of... nothing, really. Woke up late, did nothing but sit on my ass in front of the screen all day. I really can't stand being here... I mean, it's great spending time with my family and all, but I feel like I just don't belong here. Feelin' a bit like E.T. Or Sting. Played some WoW, and all of a sudden it was 4 AM in the morning, and here I am. Alone.

And that's probably the worst, I'm so alone here. Noone in their right minds would take their time to get out here, and besides, there's no buses or trains that go here anyway. So that leaves it to just people with drivers licenses or someone who'll drive them here, and I don't exactly know a lot of 'em. It's strange how that works for me, at some times I could do anything to be alone, but now, all I want is to have someone to lay my arms around when I go to sleep. It has improved a lot lately, the whole "in-need-of-safety" thing. I guess it's because I've chosen this lifestyle that is so uncertain and wild that you really can't get used to being safe and sound. This is like some kind of intermission, I'm just waiting around for the next stop on this journey, and hopefully, that'll come real fuckin' soon. 'Cause I've never been fond of waiting around for things to happen. Well, time for some well-deserved (not!) sleep. Tomorrow (today) I'll try and get some things done around here, if I wake up in time... Later!


I'd fight hell to hold you.

Get your gunn

10.22 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Pseudo-morals work real well
On the talk shows for the weak
But your selective judgements
And goodguy badges
Don't mean a fuck to me
I throw a little fit
I slit my teenage wrist
The most that I can learn
Is in records that you burn
Get your gunn, get your gunn

Dear diary,

Shit, about bloody time, 'innit? Figured I had to come back here at some point right, and even though my eyes are burning and my head is heavy, I'll take some time to spill my shit on these virtual blank pages.

I'm at home, home in Småland that is. Moved away from Borås this weekend, all that's left now is an empty apartment, and some memories that'll forever live with me. It was an era, like many before it, but this particular one has proved to be easier to let go and leave be. I'm making progress, and really fast too. A bit unused to this speed, but after a while everything'll find it's place and everything will go down just fine. So this week I'll hopefully get a letter from my school that says I got in, as soon as it gets here me and Tommy are off to Vätterhem again, and if everything works out we'll be leaving with a key in our hands. It feels great, and I'm really looking forward to living there, I mean, most of my friends live there, we rehearse there and so on...

About that... I finally figured out a name for our band, but due to "secret circumstances" I can't really tell what it is yet. But it's gonna rock when we bring this out into the eyes and ears of the public, of that I'm sure. Oh, yeah, by the way - we're still looking for a lead guitarist, know anyone? If so, please tell.

I don't really know what the fuck is going on inside my head at the moment. It's a violent storm of emotions, thoughts and feelings swirling around in there, scratching at the walls, screaming and howling so loud it makes my head hurt 24/7. But hey, I'd rather have it this way than be dead inside, a little bit of chaos just makes everything more intense. And for some strange reason, things have started to work out with pretty much everything lately. A friend of mine once told me, "Sid, you get everything you want, how do you do it?", referring to my relationships, where I'd always get the girl I wanted, even if I really didn't believe I could get her in the first place. I mean, I don't mind being the focus of attention, but please, ladies - one at a time.

Uh, I should probably try and get some sleep... feels like this could've been a more focused post, but I'm kinda' not into the mood for that. Later, perhaps.



I'm better than you, punk.

Rock is dead

07.12 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Woke up far too early today, but actually managed to get out of bed just 15 minutes after the alarm rang. Yay me. Will be off to Jönköping in about an hour, me and Tommy have an appointment at Vätterhem with an administrator concerning an apartment we've been looking at. Hopefully, we'll be able to move in this week, or at the end of this month, which'll be a major relief. All this traveling back and forth between Borås and Jönköping is starting to get really boring. Had a great weekend, by the way, I had a party at my place, lot of people, lot of booze. A bit of drama, but everything turned out just fine in the end.

The stress has begun tearing away at me again... and the reason is we got a gig booked the 28th of May, a mini-festival in Torsåker, Sweden. So far, we've never rehearsed with a complete band setting, and time is of the essence since we have to come up with at least 4-5 songs until then, and maybe manage to record our first demo. But I have faith in this, there's a feeling inside of me that says that this might just work out. We might just have what it takes. And I ain't gonna let a single thing in the world get between me and my dreams.

Oh well, gotta get something to eat now... later.

Overkill

10.08 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Duuuuuude. This isn't working out. You'll just have to get used to my absence. Things are about to get busy round here pretty fuckin' soon.

Hanging by a moment

5.14 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Oh dear. It seems like I'm suffering from terrible separation anxiety. I'm going through all my stuff, packing everything into boxes once again. My life, my possesions, memories - everything neatly put into a box and stacked. I'm having a hard time keeping myself happy while looking at that pile of boxes... what can it be... two cubic metres? Three? Such a tiny space, still it contains my whole life. My reality. Makes you realize how small and worthless your existence really is, just a tiny piece of dust in this universe. And yet we think of ourselves as superior, the human race. Talk about hypocrisy...

Anyway, I'm slowly starting to feel like this separation will be harder than I thought. When I first made the decision, it all went so fast. I got the call that Tommy had left us, hung up, sat down for a couple of minutes, then announced to Johan and my parents that I was moving back. Afterwards, I felt relieved. As if me moving here was totally unplanned, and that now I could turn things back on the right course again. But I'm not so sure anymore... The first reason I wanted to move here was to get closer to my friends. But when I finally got here, nearly all of them were no longer considered friends. So all I had left was my memories of the times I spent here with my ex-girlfriends... and that made me realize that once again... I was chasing after shadows of the past, desperately trying to make them become reality again. And that ain't going to happen, never again...

I've spent nearly a year here, 9 months at least, all while doing nothing to improve my situation. And now I'm leaving again. I'm going to miss this place, so bad. It feels as if my leaving is the end of an era, the final sign that I'm now giving up my 6-year long pursuit of the past. Yeah, that's right - for the past 6 years everything in my life has been about the past, I've tried so hard to make my memories into reality, a desperate try that has made me do terrible things to many people, some who have deserved it, and some who have not. As I sit here today, in front of this screen, I can honestly say that I regret everything, from the first moment it started. But then again, it was inevitable. My treacherous mind led me down this road, and took me to the very end more than once, only to cut the noose and throw me back out on the road again. Six fucking years of chasing, hating, bleeding, suffering... all for nothing. The people I have sought to bring back into my life have only gotten further out of my reach, some of them hate me and never want to see or hear from me again. I have successfully eliminated all my possibilites to share my memories with them ever again, or to have a friendly relationship with them. I've burned my bridges, and I've been standing on the other side, crying out for someone to rebuild them and let me walk back to where I came from, the only place where I felt safe. Six fucking years, gone, wasted on chasing ghosts, trapped in the prison of my own mind. Maybe it isn't over - I know it ain't over - cause' I'll never, ever, stop thinking about the past, and how much I miss it. If only I could go back in time, and do everything from the beginning. I would give anything to make things right.

I'm gonna continue going through my things, I guess... but this feeling is only getting stronger. Looks like I'm back at square one. Again.

Parallel dimensions

6.30 AM, Borås, Sweden



"And never moving forwards, so there'll never be a past."



Dear diary,

There's no telling where to go from here. Living each day as a lie, or ignoring the truth we all see clearly. Conforming into a pattern, and leaving no trace behind whatsoever. I just don't know how to handle things.

But hey, I'm doing alright. For now. Darkness, my old friend, has kept quiet for the last week, not a single word, not a whisper. Zip. Zero. Nothing. Maybe it's the calmness before the storm? I feel like fuckin' Gollum, sitting on that stone, speaking to the good and evil part of him.

"Leave now, and NEVER come back!"

Would have been cool if that had worked out for me, after all, I've tried to shake this far too many times. Anyway... what's up? What's happening? Not much, I guess. February 22nd today, a few weeks left until I leave this town, and move back to Småland. It struck me just this morning, as I stood and watched out the window, seeing the glow from all the lights in town leaving traces over the morning sky, the stillness outside... I'm gonna miss this town. Just not the people in it, but the town as well. Others might have trouble understanding my fascination for urban environments, but I find them nearly as beautiful as the wilderness, if not more beautiful. There's a certain feeling in the air, an aura that a city is emitting, that makes it so colorful, so interesting. When you're walking through a large city a warm summer night, alone or with a friend, go to a park or a similar location, and just sit down for a while and listen. The sounds of the city are so colorful and diverse; cars, the sound of laughter, screaming, talking, ventilation systems, the sound of the wind - everything mixes together into one big buzz, and you can almost touch the sound if you reach out your hand. I never grow tired of wandering through a city, with or without company. More often, the latter... since I have trouble finding people who understand this or enjoy it as I do.

You know... it's funny... when you have a dream where you cut your hair, everyone says that it means that you will go through major changes very soon, and that it is positive. I cut my hair last week, a completely new haircut, and ever since I haven't had problems with my mood. It has been almost constant, without any ups or downs. Maybe what they say is true. But to be honest, I think it is because I feel better about myself. I feel more attractive, and my apperance is my first shield against the world around me. If my armor is cracking, it can hurt me, and now I feel like the cracks are getting fewer and fewer. I've had major mental breakdowns because of all the anxiety I have concerning my own ability to uphold my self esteem. I can honestly say that everything is depending on how I feel, if I feel strong, sexy, attractive. I've spent countless nights lying awake, trying to tell myself " I can make it, I look good, I'm a good singer, I know how to be a performer." but never really having any success in making it into reality. But now, I feel like I've taken a big step towards making that true. My dream. I mean, who's gonna listen to a band where the singer is a stuttering, nervous little bitch, trying to look cool but failing miserably? I wouldn't. So much about this style is depending on image, looks that kill, the fact that people are attracted to a certain stereotype - the classic rockstar. Rude, mean, self-centered assholes with a bad temper, but still with an amazing ability to get laid and look good while doing it. I've never really believed I can meet the demands of that stereotype, and maybe I never will, but I'm sure as hell gonna give it a shot.

What if this is a turning point? The one thing I have been waiting for forever, but never reached even once. When everything has been chaos inside my mind, when the walls are falling down around me, the one thing I wished for was to feel that once in a while, it goes the other way too. Hit the brakes, do a 360, and then it's full speed again. In the right direction, this time. I have a whole lot of catching up to do, I'm 5 years late to this party, but I'll do my best to enjoy it anyway. After all, things are looking brighter in the near future. In just a few days, all my debts will be paid by my father when he recieves the final payment for the auction of our farm... and it is a huge weight that will be taken off my shoulders. Second, moving back to Jönköping doesn't feel like moving backwards in time, instead, it feels like a new beginning. Getting closer (as close as it gets without living with each other) to the band, and being able to focus more intensively on the creative process that ultimately will propel us into superstardom. Or better.

This post is getting a bit unfocused and messy, but it shows clearly what state my mind is in. I feel like I'm floating in space, a small planet drifting aimlessly through the vast reaches of the universe, colliding with meteors all the time, but drifting onwards anyway, scarred, but an experience richer.

This might work out this time around.

The worst in me

6.34 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Time flies by. Every second that goes by is a countdown. T- your life, and still counting. You wish you could make every damn one of 'em worth it. Worth being alive. But you just can't, you can't make yourself feel alive any longer. Everything you do, from the smallest thing, makes you tired. Even getting out of bed in the morning is a hard task, and takes every inch of determination you can muster. It's safe to say that this - in the purest form of the word - is hell.

I feel like I am repeating myself. Like an old record skipping on a beat, over and over again.

I can't live like this. I need to get out of this.

Do I get out of it? No, fuck no, everything I do only takes me further down this spiraling hellhole that is my life. Everything's just dead inside, my creativity has since long fled the field, and took every little bit of vitality with it. I'm breathing, but I'm not alive. Time flies by.

6.52 PM

I can't handle people anymore. It has been getting far worse than any time before, and the bare thought of approaching someone, talking to someone I don't know throws me into an anxiety attack. Even speaking to people over the internet puts me on needles. And I don't know why, why the hell am I so afraid of contact? Why can't I handle being social and extrovert like everyone else? Imagine what a major fuckup it would be... I can see myself standing there on stage, freaking out because everyone is looking at me, and running away from there. Fleeing, like the useless coward I am. Useless. Fuckup.

7.53 PM

Well, what do you know. Anger turns to hate, hate turns to helplessness, and now I'm back to normal again. Still pissed off, at myself mostly, but looking forward to things again. So...what was it... like... 1 hour? Yeah, 1 hour. That's all it took for me to go straight from deep depression to feeling alright again. Fuck you, manic depressive disorder.

I'll shoot the moon

8.14 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

This is getting far too usual, this delay between updates, so I'm not even going to explain why. I often find myself sitting here, clicking that "new post" button, and then just sitting there staring at the blank page, trying to find a reason why I should trouble myself with coming up with anything to write down. It's not like I'm an interesting person nowadays. I mean... I have a lot of stuff I could write about, stuff that interests me... but rarely no one I know has the same interest in those things. This is supposed to be a diary anyway, and it would be kinda' weird to publish anything else than diary entries.

Anyway, what's been up? Keeping myself busy? Not really. I was supposed to start studying a couple of weeks ago, and actually looked forward to it a tiny bit. But as soon as I got there, and sat down in that room together with all the other people, a feeling of insecurity and anguish rushed over me and I nearly freaked out and ran out of there. I've never felt more misplaced anywhere in my whole life - I mean, the people there... school dropouts, immigrants who could barely speak Swedish, single moms who've realized they can get more cash from studying than they get from child support and other lowlifes. I know I'm so much better than all these fuckers, so I went straight down to their office and quit school again. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle working together with all that scum, and besides, the only reason I go to school is so I can get money to survive. I'm smarter than most people already, and even though I don't mind studying, I prefer to do it in another environment than that.

And also... we've lost yet another drummer. Tommy moved back to his hometown, leaving us empty-handed. Though we've been getting slightly used to standing without a complete lineup for the band, this came as an unexpected blow to my dreams. Once again, doubt has arisen within the band, and I fear we'll never get this thing going if something isn't done about it. So that's why I'm movin' back to Jönköping. To get closer to the band, to rehearsals, to my friends, and hopefully that'll do the trick. It was a hard decision, expecially considering how much I like this town and the people in it, but in the end, my dream had to be taken into perspective. And I'd do anything to reach the top, and I believe this is only one of the sacrifices that has to be made to reach that place. Today I'll be going down to my landlords office to sign the papers, and 3 months from now, I'm hopefully ready to settle in down there. It's not like there's a great distance between the two towns anyway, just a one hour ride by car or bus and you're there, but the difference lies in the attitude of the people. Everyone in Jönköping seems to be so damn uptight and introvert, totally lacking the ability to let loose or take things less seriously. But maybe that's just to our advantage, since it's going to be easier for a band like us to stand out in the crowd. Either way, I'm outta here in 3 months.

Doing some laundry right now, and feeling a bit tired from being up all night. I've been feeling dizzy for the last two days now, like someone has hit me in the head or something, and also, my vision is weird, as if my eyes have suddenly moved and inch into my skull. Don't know why, but I hope it goes away soon. Uh... yeah, that's about it for now... I guess. Some coffee would be nice... I'll go make myself a cup.

Later.

Happiness is

9.30 PM, Borås, Sweden

There are things I've done I can't erase
I want to look in the mirror, see another face
I said never would I do it again
I want to walk away, start over again

No more rain
No more roses
On my way, shake my thirst in a cool, cool pond

There is a winner in every place
There is a heart that's beating in every page
The beginning of it starts at the end
When it's time to walk away and start over again


I haven't felt this love for music in a long time. I've been listening to Tom Waits from time to time before, but never really listened to it, while reading the lyrics at the same time. And that was when it struck me, the full aspects of the love of music, the thing that I live and breathe. I'm having great trouble putting it into words, even at this moment of clarity and inspiration. I suppose I'm hitting another high tonight, and I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts. Soon it may be over for this time, and I'm falling down into that dark place again.

I have to break this habit, I have to set myself free from the chains that bind me. My life will never be worth living as long as I'm imprisoned by this mental illness, this motherfucker that has taken place inside my head. I met Zandra today, first time since we broke up. It felt nice, after all I feel like I can be myself around her. I guess this is harder to her than me, but that was the way it had to be. Maybe we can have a friendly relationship instead.

I intended to write a bit longer today, but I kinda' ran out of things to write. For now, at least. Guess I'll be going back to listening to the sweet tunes of Tom Waits and let the night unfold as it should. Later.

Is another mistake

8.44 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Been awake for little over an hour right now, and as far as that goes, it's quite unusual. My diurnal rhythm has been fucked up so many times now that I'm amazed I still can get out of bed, at whatever time I may wake. Didn't sleep too well tonight, a lot of nightmares lately. But I guess that's something I've been getting used to. First things first - I'm single.

Hah, fucker. I knew it. Couldn't figure that out, could ya?

Shut up. I gave it an honest try, didn't I? Damn right. I guess it all came to the point where I was no longer able to see a difference anymore. What started out so sweet, all turned so wrong in the end. And I'm only blaming myself, 'cause in the end it's my fucked up head that started all this. It seems that once again, I've fallen deeper into depression. Deeper than I can handle. I began too see some warning signs about a month ago, when I couldn't bring myself to care about things I cared about earlier. Things that made me happy before wouldn't bring any joy any longer. Everything became an unfocused blur of events that I just couldn't bring myself to enjoy. Then came the disgust for other people. I became more and more aware of my hatred of other humans, seeing clearly why the human race more than ever deserves to be wiped from the planet. I didn't want to be touched, didn't want anyone close, it made my skin crawl. And that isn't exactly optimal conditions for a relationship is it? I even lost my appetite for sex - and to me that is losing my appetite for life itself. Nothing seemed to matter, and I couldn't look forward to anything. So it had to be that way, 'cause I would only end up hurting her more if I let our relationship continue without me being able to feel the same as she did.

And things still haven't changed. I mean, it can change from day to day, hour to hour, second to second. The joys of a manic-depressive disorder. I can literally go from a state of total happiness down to total panic and anguish in less than a minute, and I can't live my life like that. I can't keep any feeling alive for a longer time, and it makes me feel crippled. I can't focus on anything for more than five minutes, which makes pretty much everything that involves creative thinking impossible. I fucking hate myself for not being able to spend time writing new material for the band - especially since it looks like it's gonna work out this time around. I have to get out of this mess before it's too late... but maybe it already is. I can't even start to think about all the time I've wasted in this prison of my mind, time that could be spent living my life to the fullest instead.

I've some thoughts about trying to get some medication once again. Last time I tried, it backfired heavily, and resulted in some failed suicide attempts, but maybe it'll all be different this time around. The only thing that's stopping me is having to go through all the bullshit it takes to actually get the medication. You have to go to the hospital, talk to a whole bunch of doctors, explain how you're feeling, why you're feeling that way, and how you want to feel. And I can't even explain to myself what's going on inside of me, so that would be nearly impossible. I believe I could get some results from trying lithium. It seems to be an effective treatment for the manic-depressive disorder, which is the most severe of my disorders. The others are just products of it.
We'll see what happens, if I know myself, I'll try once again to kick this shit by myself, which so far hasn't worked out a single time, only sending me deeper into it. But at least I have a little bit of faith left - thanks to the people around me. The people that matter. In their company, I don't need to pretend that everything's alright. So thanks, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being there, even when I'm being a miserable bastard. You know who you are.

Time for some breakfast. Later.

All it takes

Here we go, further into apathy, one step at a time. I believe I have lost this battle, all that is left now is to wait for my existence to fade. And soon you won't see me at all...

Hello darkness...

...my old friend. Ah, what the fuck, all I wrote about in my other blog was the same shit that I was writing here. No point in keeping it alive. Back from the dead, or back TO the dead, perhaps.