The sinner

02.02 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
 
Bullet For My Valentine – Say Goodnight

I live my life in misery
I'd sacrifice this world to hold you 
No breathe left inside of me  
Shattered glass keeps falling

Dear diary,

It's gone quiet. For now, at least. I'm desperately searching for some clarity amidst this chaos, but no matter how hard I try, the haze won't lift from my eyes. I'm lost in a freezing blizzard, walking aimlessly across a neverending, snow-covered landscape. I see small glimpses of light in the horizon, but when I try to follow them they flicker and disappear. The hunger tears through my body, but it's a hunger not even the greatest of feasts can satisfy, I hunger for something more, something undefined, yet so familiar to me, though I do not know its name. 

Moments like these I pause for a while, take a deep breath, and then try to let it all out. Trying to spill every last thought in my mind, only to discover that no thought stays focused long enough to actuallt get it out before it disappears. I guess it's my curse, my burden to bear. Never being able to form anything out of what goes on inside my mind. I smile, I laugh, I play their stupid games, but for what? Only to go home alone, and find myself locked inside my head again, a dark, lonely prison where the warden wears a mask that bears the resemblance of my own face, but twisted and distorted, covered in shadows and bits of decayed skin. He only lets me out when I need to do something for him, working for nothing else than the promise of being locked away again at the end of the day. And I do it freely, because here, I am safe. Safe from anyone who tries to get in, the gates are closed and locked with so many locks no one has bothered to keep the keys to all of them, and those who have tried haven't made it far, the whole prison is full of traps and enemies, ready to tear innocent rescue teams apart. Here, I am safe. Nothing can hurt me, except myself, and it's a familiar kind of pain. After all this time, it has become more of a friend to me. Always ready to give me what I deserve.

It's gone quiet. But I know it's the calm before the storm, and it might strike fast. When I lay my head down on my pillow and close my eyes, I can hear the chains rattling deep down inside, the demons are pulling their shackles, getting ready to emerge from the depths to rain down fire on my mind, polluting my thoughts with visions of her with someone else, whispering to me how easily I was forgotten. I try to fight back, with chemicals I can't even pronounce the name of, x's and o's, bottles and pills. Their voices become distant, but they never, ever fade away completely. Always there, hiding somewhere in the dark corners, singing sick lullabies just loud enough to seep through the wall of meds I have built. I feel my heart pounding, even though it's supposed to do exactly the opposite. I guess the medical companies didn't include that in the list of contents. I know I shouldn't, I know it very well could be the end of me, cause' everyone keeps telling me so, but it's the only weapon I have left in this losing battle. Until I find a better one, or until the day of defeat, this'll have to do.

Not much is happening right now, just a lot of waiting as usual. Looks like I'll be able to get out of my apartment on the 15th of November, great news since I'll be getting back a portion of my rent that I paid for this month. I could use every single penny right now, desperate times when it comes to cash right now. I just need enough to pay off the first month's rent in our new apartment, then everything will have to work out in some way after that. It's just another adventure, one that I look forward to. But this waiting is driving me mad. Or madder than usually at least... 

 

Vargtimme

03.01 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;


Waylon Jennings – Burning Memories

My heart to you no longer matters
And I can't live alone with memories
Into the fire those dreams that you've shattered
And when the smoke is gone then I'll be free

Dear diary,

Yeah, feels more sincere calling you that. Except the fact that everyone can read my own personal diary, you're pretty much the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane. Waylon couldn't have said it any better, I need to burn my memories of her, even if it means that I have to throw myself into the fire. I guess I wouldn't get a fancy funeral, but people always seem to be better when they're already dead and buried, people only tend to remember the good things. I guess there isn't much of that to remember though. Anyway, been spending some time on the farm the last couple of days, that's why I haven't posted anything here. Just been keeping busy with the usual work, reparing the buildings, doing some driving for the neighbors. Not that exciting, but physical work keeps your mind occupied for a while. It's when I go to bed all hell breaks loose.

I still get severe panic attacks thinking about the fact that I have no means of seeing what she is doing. She has blocked me pretty much everywhere, little cunt that she is, so I won't even find out if she already found a new guy. I guess I'll find out eventually, but then it's gonna be too late for any action from my part. The meds aren't working, they're only making me dizzy, and I fear I'm gonna overdose again. I'm amazed I'm still breathing, even though I really don't want to. But someday it's gonna be night-night, one pill too many, one drink too many. Not that I do it on purpose, I just seem to gravitate against a fate that I've welcomed long ago. Who knows, I might even make it into the 27 club. Maybe then she'd remember me. Maybe then she'd care.

You're only foolin' yourself again, pal. Your long forgotten, not a single thought in her mind is spent on you. Didn't you hear me? She got over you so quick, you were so easy to forget. Nothing you has was special, every single day of those three years was forgotten about in a matter of days. All the time you spent together, all thos nights, all the crazy sex, all of it sums up to nothing. She wants nothing to do with you, because you're a fucking disaster. Everywhere you go you bring a darkness with you that suffocate people around you, a cloud of poisonous, invisible gas.

We both know where that cloud comes from, but you're right. Again.

Damn right I am. And don't fool yourself into thinking everything's gonna be better when you move. You're gonna call, she's gonna answer and tell you she's happy with someone else, you're gonna panic and here we go with the fucking pills again. Maybe even get a few rigs and do it the old fashioned way? That would be a great way to go, and you wouldn't feel a thing. But you're too much of a coward for that, ain't ya? 

I'll let you think that for now. I'll show you.
Well, gotta try and get some sleep, meds already taking effect. I can already hear the cracked voices calling for me, waiting to torment me in my dreams. Tomorrow I'm gonna see W.A.S.P on their stop here in town, it's gonna be great meeting some people. I'll try to dress properly, getting noticed is always nice. And I won't have to sleep alone tomorrow, maybe she'll make some of the monsters keep their distance. I can't take this much longer.

Lone gunman

10.50 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Katatonia – My Twin

I think of love
I let it pass
It feels like fire
But it won't last

Been up since 4 AM, was supposed to take a powernap around midnight but as usual, I slept for a couple of hours instead. My whole body is still shaking from the nightmares I've been having, and I feel weak. My life is all about waiting right now, and I'm the most impatient person there is. Waiting for someone to call about my apartment, waiting for someone to take my old one off my hands, waiting for someone to come into my life and make it all worth it again. Sick of it.

Guess I should get back to putting all my belongings in boxes, ready to move on to the next destination. Over and out.

Time after time

 3.55 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Bon Jovi – Born To Be My Baby


Too drunk, really, but I'm gonna give this a shot.

Still thinking about her, but all of a sudden there's a new face in my dreams. I can't really say if she's something I'd like to have in my life, but she sure shines through the rain. And those dead butterflies at the bottom of my stomach at least get some of their former vitality back.

Newsflash; probably found an apartment in Borås, a nice 3-room apartment with 2 walk-in closets and 2 bathrooms. Should be awesome, now for some unbearable waiting before they call and want us to sign the contract. Over and out.

This came as a surprise. Unexpected turn of events. Damn it.

I'll see you in my dreams

4.10 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

The Dangerous Summer – Where I Want To Be

I wish you'd try to save me
Your silence makes me crazy

I should be sleeping by now, I can barely keep my eyes open. Did something bad again, popped a couple of pills, and I'm afraid they're gonna start messing with my heart again. Ever since the accident it hasn't been working properly, I had regular chest pains for a year after, but they've become more unusual since then, until now. The amount of meds I've been stuffing in my mouth the last month is frightening, just to get by, just to forget and maybe, just maybe, to stop breathing. It is at this time the demons usually come out in full force, out of hiding. They've been lurking around in the shadows the whole evening, and they know now is the time to strike. I'm weak, weak because I can't stop my mind from unraveling. I'm thinking about her again, what she's doing, and who she's with. If he's better than me, smarter, funnier, prettier... which is probably the case. Who would want this sorry piece of shit.

Right on, bro. Now you're starting to see my side of this story. You're right, she's probably spending the night in someone else's bed. Happy with someone else. Stings, doesn't it? It's supposed to. A constant reminder that you're worthless, just a big fuck you to everything you've tried to become, but failed miserably at. You know she doesn't give a damn about you anymore, she's moved on, and for her it was so easy. She just forgot about you and all your time together in a matter of days. Gone. You, on the other hand, will be stuck here forever. Forever.

You're right. But still... I can't stand the thought of someone else having what I want so badly, rubbing it in my face every second of my life. These thoughts are driving me towards something I fear more than anything else, becoming something so vile... 

It's not love, dear.

Late october

 4.54 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

The Hillbilly Moon Explosion – My Love for Evermore (feat. Sparky Phillips)

We stood on a cliff in a starless night
I held your hand in my mine...
so stand by me with all your heart,
I need you by my side
 

I came back. Didn't believe it myself, but I guess this is my only way of finding my way back to a version of myself that had some creativity left in it. Should start reading more books in english as well, I fell like I'm starting to lose my ability to express myself, not only in english but in my native language as well.

As I'm writing this I've begun packing my belongings into boxes once again, leaving only the things I need until I move still unpacked. I've done this so many times by now, it has become a ritual to me. It feels like I'm taking all the anguish, fear and darkness that has been accumulating inside of me since I moved back into this town, and putting it into the boxes together with all the other stuff, and when I arrive in my new home I get a moment of clarity from all of it, since it's still inside the boxes. It's when I slowly start to empty the boxes that it creeps out again, seeping into every dark corner of my new home, ready to strike whenever I am vulnerable. I'll never get rid of those shadows, I know that for a fact, so I do what I can to stay away from them, but some of them are parts of me that I can't run from, so it's really no use.

Yesterday there was some dude here to check out the apartment, I really hope he takes it. In that case I can probably move out on the 15th of November, and then spend two weeks at my parents home and move into our new apartment on the 1st of December. It's always been like that for me, I have to take the decision and then act quickly, before I get stuck and spend months walking around my apartment like a ghost, longing to break the chains and move on. So for those of you who didn't know, my next destination will be Borås. Once again. I should have learned my lesson by now, with so much shit that has happened to me in that town, but for some reason I keep gravitating towards that place. This time I won't be living alone, my drummer is gonna join me, and hopefully my guitarist as well as soon as he has found a job there or some way of getting an income at least. Living together with the band probably is more of an advantage than a burden, I'm hoping that I will be so busy with becoming a rockstar that my demons won't even get the chance to mess with my head.

Oh, you really think that's gonna work? Hasn't been working that well in the past, has it? That's right. Useless.

Shut the fuck up, will ya? I'm trying here, for the first time in a very long while, trying to make some sense out of this. I'm gettin' pissed at myself here for being unable to let the words flow like they used to. Read back a couple of months last night and was blown away by the way I was expressing myself. Where did that come from, and why did it disappear? I'm gonna find out, that's for damn sure. It ain't over yet.


It's been over for a long time... you just won't admit it to yourself... I know she's gone, I heard her myself. She lied to you. She lied, because you're such a piece of shit. You don't deserve honesty from anyone, anyone but me. I'm your best friend, remember? I tell you the truth. She didn't. She's probably in some other guys bed right now, sleeping on his chest after they fucked all night, and he fucked her good, you know that. Better than you could ever dream of. And he tells her all those things you couldn't say because you were too scared, too fucked up, too bent on living that dream of yours that never came true. Oh, don't tell me about it, I've heard it all before. It's gonna get busy around here pretty soon, trust me. I ain't done with you. 

Back for more

6 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden


 Back from the dead, eh? Never thought I'd open up these pages again, not after last time at least. But I guess I have my reasons this time.

First of all, I have no friends left. At least no friends that I can share these secrets with, because they simply wouldn't understand. This leaves me in a solitude I have not chosen, yet it is something I will never find my way out of.

Second of all, I'm doing this simply to see if I still have it in me. The last few years I have watched my creativity crumble and disappear into nothing, leaving me completely dead inside and unable to make sense of anything. I look back on these pages and read my words, not recognizing them, as if they were written by a complete stranger. I look back, and I miss it. No matter how much I've suffered in the past, nothing comes close to being this numb, and I'd give anything to feel that fire in my veins one more time.

This time around, much is different. I've wandered down paths I never dreamed I would take, and yet, I come back to the same place I started, over and over again. The only thing that's changing is my demons. They take on new disguises, new names, but in their twisted, charcoal hearts, they are all the same. I fear they have become such a big part of me that it's not even me moving my fingers around the keyboard right now, that somehow they have taken control of my body.

I can't even start explaining what has happened since last time I posted here, it would take me a week. And I don't even want to explain, since explaining means I have to think about all of it, and that would probably kill me right now. My head is spinning already from just writing about it, and I'm losing focus. Fuck it, let's just see where this takes us. If you're reading this, because you're a friend (or an enemy) or just a random person stalking me, I'd suggest you start by reading the story thus far. It helps when it comes to understand this hell that my life has become. Enjoy.


Oh, I will... I will...