Shadows

03.35 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

Once again, I fail to write in you as often as I should. Instead of putting my life on paper (or on screen, actually), I keep things inside, where they build up a pressure that sooner or later will cause an explosion. And that wouldn't be a pretty sight. So, let's start with the catching up...

I came home yesterday late on the evening after spending the week in Borlänge at the Peace & Love festival. Instead of telling you what happened day by day (which I, for the record, really can't remember) I'm just gonna say that it was both good and bad, in many different ways. First and foremost, the hot weather was a real problem. I can't endure heat or sunlight for too long, for reasons I'll keep to myself for now, so I had to take some necessary action to prevent myself from self-igniting. As a result of this, the whole week was spent in an uncomfortable mood that made the whole experience a bit less pleasant. I'm looking forward to winter, to say the least. Another problem was the need of a place to sleep, which wasn't really taken care of until I came to Borlänge on Monday. I had a girlfriend in Falun, which is just about 15 miles away from Borlänge, and she offered me accomodation. There was a lot of travelling back and forth between the two cities the past week, but all in all it was worth it for the reason of having access to a shower and a mirror to maintain my vanity.

Most of the time in Borlänge was spent outside the festival. I slept the second night on the camping area together with Ronja, whom I'd met the first day, but got kicked out of the tent by her angry, far too drunk friend. We decided to go back to her home in Rättvik instead, which is about 30 miles away from Borlänge, and I then spent the following day and night there, and the rest of the days I slept in Falun during the nights (days). It felt better than expected to finally meet Ronja and we really had a good time together during the festival and at her place. I noticed I could relax around her, which is a rare thing for me to do with people I've recently met, and I suppose we found a mutual understanding for each other, both physically and mentally... The rest of the days are lost in a drunken haze, all I can remember is the heat, and the nights spent on partying with my friends in Sister, who had a smaller version of the "heavy metal parking lot" going on at a parking in Borlänge. It was great meeting all those bands... Panzer Princess, Vietcong Pornsurfers, Leaded Fuel, Lizzy Pistol and many more, I believe I made some great contacts there, and also talked about a gig together with Sister, Panzer Princess and Vietcong Pornsurfers in Falun this autumn.

I saw only two concerts on the whole week, which was less than planned, but Mötley Crüe alone made it worth the 1500 SKR the ticket cost me. I was psyched to finally see them, and though the show wasn't that great, it is a concert I'll always remember. The didn't play all their hits and seemed to be a bit tired of the whole thing, but hey - they're all in their fifties now, and probably off both cocaine and speed. Or maybe they didn't think Sweden was worth spending their energy on. The second band I saw was Turbonegro, which was a far more energetic gig. The frontman is a pure genius when it comes to pleasing the crowd, and Turbonegro plays fuckin' brilliant rock n' roll, so I was happy that I decided to watch them.

So we went back on Sunday, me, Erik and Linus, had a quick stop in Nora to meet one of Linus relatives, and then got home around 10 P.M. on the evening. It was kind of like waking up from a long, and sometimes nightmare-like, dream. During the week I have had no problems with anything but the heat, and some other things, but back home again, the demons laid waiting for me, and attacked me without mercy. I had been feeling uneasy during the week, but blamed it on the tension of meeting all the new people and having to spend time in large crowds, but it became clear that it was only the surface of all things that turned out to become a major panic attack. Luckily I found some sleeping pills at home, and managed to knock myself out before the hallucinations began. I'm not in any condition to try and understand what it is that makes me panic this time, and I don't even think I want to know, but I suppose it has something to do with all the chaos that is constantly going on inside my mind. So many things float around inside my head that I'm constantly getting lost in my own thoughts, unable to focus on anything but the present. Things turn up when I least expect them to, and memories resurface and make everything even more chaotic.

I'm starting to believe that everything I have to suffer happens for a reason, that somewhere there is a God or deity that has a plan for me, and that plan is leading straight into the pits of Hell, where I am doomed to suffer for all eternity. I should be looking forward to moving in to my new apartment in Borås this Friday, but all I can focus on is all the anxiety and anguish I'm experiencing. The worst thing is not knowing why I'm feeling this way, kinda' like dying from cancer without any knowledge about the disease or how to stop it. I know I need help - I just don't think anyone can help me. In this case I'm my own worst enemy, but the only one who could put an end to all the screaming inside my head.

...or not really the only one... There is someone, someone I've put my trust in once again, someone who makes my days a bit brighter, and my life worth living. She knows who she is, just by reading this, and I'm counting the days until we can meet again, finally.
And just for the record, it seems like Tina is single again. I wonder why. And I hope this doesn't cause any trouble for me, it would be typical for me to ruin something like this...

I'm just rambling on and on, I should probably try and get some sleep instead. I had an idea of making this blog more worthwhile for people reading it, so maybe I'll start with giving tips about music and stuff like that. Or maybe I'm just gonna make this my own personal sex-blog, with pictures and stories of my sex life. Or maybe not...

Ah, what the hell, night everyone...

Last forever

02.05 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

I'm far too tired to be writing here tonight, so I'll try and get some sleep and then I'll get back to ya. Can't gather my thoughts right now, I feel dizzy, and can't stop falling, falling, falling...

"Back on trakk" - yeah fuckin' right...

Night

Beg for it

10.35 PM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

I should be asleep already, but I'm just gonna leave a little note here... The weekend's been good, a lot of alcohol and partying, but it's business as usual I suppose. I'm leaving around 10 AM tomorrow for Borlänge and the Peace & Love Festival, a week of constant partying, listening to great music and general mayhem. I'll get back to you with some of the stories when I get back.

Gonna continue packing my stuff now, and the get some sleep. If you need to get a hold of me in the next week you're gonna have to call or message me - 0739070960.

You think you're tough

08.45 AM, Falköping, Sweden

I really have no time to be writing in you today, but I'll leave a short lil' note at least...

I overslept and woke up around 8 AM, I was supposed to start doing the laundry at 7 AM... my train leaves 11.15 AM, so I'm a bit stressed since I have to make it in time to the band rehearsal in Jönköping at 1 PM, but I'll probably make it... that is if I can stop sitting around on my ass like this...

I won't be writing in you during the weekend, maybe on Sunday morning, but then we will be apart for a while... I'm seriously thinking of bringing a real diary to write in during the festival... but that would make you jealous, right? Damn right. I'll manage anyway...

Gotta go take a shower now, later y'all...

Say I'm sorry

05.35 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Woke up from a horrible nightmare today... I'm sure I could still hear her crying even when I was sure I was fully awake... it left scars in me, scars I bear with me through every day in my life, just like all the thousands of others that are already there, messing up the surface, making strange patterns on my skin. She won't stay away from my dreams, and I can't make her go away when I awake... will I ever make her face fade away from the surface of my heart? It feels like I can't breathe...

So anyway, the day's been as usual - been doing a lot of... nothing, as usual. Decided today that I'll be going to Jönköping on Thursday to rehearse with the band, and then sleep at Emmelie's place until Friday, party with the band and the rest of the people at the beach of Lake Vättern, they're gonna have a barbecue or something like that, I really don't care as long as I'll get the opportunity to kill my brain with alcohol. Then on Saturday we'll be going down to Gothenburg as planned, I'm gonna get a little shopping done for the Peace & Love festival, then I'll be going back to Falköping early on Sunday morning, pack my stuff, then leave for Rättvik and meet up with Ronja, go back to her place and get some sleep, and then on Monday go to Falun to leave my stuff at a girlfriends place, where I'm also going to sleep and shower during the festival. God, I hate all this planning, it makes me feel nauseous... everything would be easier if I had a lot of cash to spend on such things, you wouldn't have to worry about getting someplace to sleep, you could just check in at a hotel or something like that. I'm gonna enjoy being a filthy rich rockstar in the future, to say the least...

Nothing much else to say about today... I've been feeling uneasy through the whole evening and night, and the feeling won't go away no matter what I do... at least I feel a bit better by talking to Louis, she really makes this all worth while... I miss her so bad, and I'm looking forward to seeing her again when I move into my new apartment in Borås, then we can spend the nights together... and the demons will keep quiet, finally... I never really saw this coming, even though I reached out in every direction for someone to help me escape from this hell I've been walking in, I never thought it would be her being my shining light, my guardian angel... but I couldn't have found a more beautiful girl than her, she... fuck, listen to me, the big romantic...

But at least it's true.

Pray that Tina won't haunt my dreams today, I know I will...

Night' everyone

Sober and irrelevant

05.00 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

I'm writing in you today with the intention of keeping things short, but who knows what flashes of insight might hit me...

Today (read "yesterday") has been worthless. Went back here early in the morning, fell asleep and slept the whole day, woke up in the evening, played a little Warcraft with some friends... and that's pretty much it. I feel tired and worn-out, uninspired and pretty much fed up with everything about my situation right now. I want to get out of this place, move, so I won't have to put up with the constant irritation that the people around here is causing. I know it's not really their fault, it's just the way they are, but the things they do (or don't do, really) irritate me to the point when I'm ready to freak out and rail them out totally. I have always felt the need to be alone at least a couple of hours every day, and I can't get that privacy here. I need my own castle to reside in, where I can let my true self out without having to wear any protective mask or false facades. First then I can try to evolve myself to the next level of consciousness.

As I mentioned earlier, no plans for the week. Nora said she wanted to visit, but I don't know if she will, her boyfriend doesn't like me spending time with her... and I can understand that, considering our past mistakes. Today's highligt has been a text message I recevied a couple of hours ago from Louis that almost made me start crying. If you're reading this baby, know that you make me the happiest man alive when you say things like that.

Uh... I really have nothing else to say... or maybe I do, but I can't seem to figure out just what it is. Oh yeah, I'm all sober. No pills, no alcohol, no drugs. Sometimes I'm good.

I feel an anxiety attack approaching... so much for perseverance...

Night everyone.

Everything

04.05 AM

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again

You are the strength, that keeps me walking
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose... you're everything

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away
Would you take me in
Take me deeper now

I don't know what's happening to me... another breakdown, I suppose... Isn't it funny... that just one single second of a song can make your heart miss a beat? Fuck... it should never have ended that way. We promised each other... remember?

"Don't let go of me, never let go of me."

I never did.
I never did, baby, I never did... and no matter how hard I try to erase you from my memory, you're still there, like a nightmare haunting me forever... but the sweetest nightmare I've ever had. But you're happy now, at least, and you have since long forgotten of me, exchanging memories of me with new, better ones. I wish I could, too... I can't express with words the hole you left inside me when you left me alone.

men jag har saknat din hand 
har saknat din röst 
ensamma dar har jag saknat ditt huvud 
mot mitt bröst 

somliga dar 
tar jag in vad jag hör 
det går kvällar ibland när jag inte
ens undrar vad du gör 

det är ibland som förut 
ibland har jag känt att jag duger 
jag har hämtat och samlat ihop
nog med kraft att gå ut 

jag ser dig fortsätta nu 
med varsamma kliv 
jag ser dina drömmar sakta lossna
från mitt liv 

jag har saknat en vän 
jag har varit på krogar och barer 
det har hänt att jag ljugit och sagt
att jag måste gå hem 

jag har saknat din röst 
nu har du en ny 
ännu okända nätter ruvar
i väntan på att gry

Ashes and snow

12.50 AM, Småland, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Yet again, I am sorry for not writing in you for a while... I've been kinda' busy. I'll give you a short resumé;

Thursday - went to Jönköping and met up with Emmelie, went back to her place and had dinner together. It was nice getting to know her better, and the food was great too.

Friday - Got up, got dressed, went downtown to buy some liquor, went back to her place and started drinking. The town was full of newly graduated students, so all clubs were packed, but we went downtown anyway. I found my drunk bassplayer in a club, had a few words with him, grabbed something to eat, and then went back to Emmelie's place again for the afterparty. Fell asleep around 8 AM in the morning...

Saturday - ...and woke up around 9 AM when my alarm clock started ringing. Realized that I should be at our rehearsal space in less than 1 and a half hour. Panicked, tried to find my clothes, called basstard, felt relief when he had just woke up, drunk as hell. Chilled out for an hour, went to the rehearsal space, jammed with the band, realized they sounded fucking great together. Went back to Emmelie's place. Started drinking, got drunk, listened to music and various clips on YouTube with my drummer and my guitarist. Went to a party held by Sister's former bassplayer, Albin, and also met Dani from Sister there. Got even more drunk. Phoned Louis, and talked to her a while, felt really good and leaved me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Carried a passed-out Emmelie home, while laughing at our drummer who stood leaned against a tree, puking his guts out. Fell asleep early in the morning.

Sunday - Woke up with an awful headache. Drank a bathtub of water, at least. Got my hair cut by Emmelie, and then went back home in the evening.

So now I'm back at my parent's place again, I'm leaving early in the morning to head back to Falköping once again, and I'll probably spend the week there. Nothing planned, but I believe I'll have some catching up to do while being there, so things will probably get busy anyway. We've planned another rehearsal on Thursday this week, then on Saturday I'll maybe head down to Gothenburg together with Emmelie and our drummer, who's gonna watch AC/DC, lucky bastard... So we'll be partying at Sticky Fingers the night before, then I'll be off to Borlänge and the Peace & Love Festival on the 21st of June, spending the following week there together with friends and other misfits. Needless to say, it's gonna be one hell of a ride.

I've been feeling kinda' normal through the whole weekend, but that's probably because of the massive consumption of alcohol and other substances. When I'm back here again, I feel empty... and unemotional, even though my head and my heart is bursting with feelings. I'm getting dizzy from this ride, once more I can't handle the speed at which I'm travelling through life. The progression made through the last few days have been overwhelming in more than one way, it seems as if everyone wants a piece of either my body or my heart, or both at the same time, and as much as I'd like to give it to each and every one, it beats only for one person. I don't feel the need to tell you who, 'cause she understands I mean her when she reads this. Maybe it's just a first taste of celebrity... only I haven't figured out if it tastes good or awful yet...

Good God, bless my soul
I need a fix of rock 'n roll
Come on baby you gotta wait and see
You better hurry
To get a piece of me

Caught a lonely lady
Crying on a cigarette
I got nasty, nasty habits
And that's all she's gonna get

One for the money, two for the show
So 'round and 'round and 'round we go
Take a look at what-a you might need
You better hurry
To get a piece of me

I should try and get some sleep, but I know I can't fall asleep. It feels like something is missing out, that it is something I have forgotten about that needs to be done before I can lay down and rest. This feeling applies to pretty mych everything I do, a feeling of incomplete that I can't seem to shake. I guess it's something that I'll have to live with, since it has become a part of me already. I'm picking up bad habits fast... and I'll probably stay awake through the night, as so many times before. Missing you.

Night

Survivalism

03.20 AM, Småland, Sweden

"Dear diary."

The revolution of my psychosis has taken me this far through the night. The pain I feel is overwhelming, yet familiar in a twisted way. It is af every beat of my heart is a new dagger stabbed into my back, leaving a hollow, fucked up, bleeding shell of a man. I couldn't murder anyones promise, because it isn't there any longer, and I can't take it. I don't even think it is because of her being single again (Marlene, you curious bastard.), but something different altogether. It really doesn't change anything, she still doesn't want anything to do with me, yet I feel this need to... take her, take her so that no one else does. No one should be fucking the girl I fucked for so many months. No one should be kissing the same lips that I did. No one should be sharing the same bed as I did. It's a fucked up mantra, repeating itself inside my head, echoing against the walls, growing stronger for each second until I can't take it anymore. It's that old monster again, awakened from it's slumber by the bare scent of my approaching anguish. And I still have to believe that it isn't me, it isn't me, it isn't me...

Today has been interesting, really. I went into town with basstard, met the band, talked about the future. Made me feel fuckin' invincible, 'cause when we're together, it feels like we are ready to take on the world, and fuck, fight and drink our way through life until we reach the top. The words of Vince Neil couldn't be any more true;

Had wild dreams
Walkin' the streets
Hell, we were young
Never looked back
So we took our dreams
Ran like hell
Lived our youth
From the wishing well
Me and the boys
Made a pact
To live or die
No turning back
Scarred for life

So afterwards I went back to Vaggeryd to meet up with Caroline. We had a cup of coffee, and sat down and talked about everything that has been going on in our lives since we last met all those years ago. It felt quite awkward, but still interesting, since she in many ways is still the same person I got to know back then.

My lungs ache when I draw breath... a constant reminder of the ticking of the clock that's been put over my head. Not like a watch, but more like a countdown to an inevitable explosion that will send me spiraling down to the depths once again. And as much as I'd like to prevent that from happening, I still embrace that fate as my own, because there is nothing I can do about it. I suppose happy endings were never made for me after all. You make my skin crawl, I wanna dress in your insecurities and be the perfect you once through. Now, I'm outstretched for all to loathe, and yeah, here we go again - the ultimate irony. So much for memories, eh? And Tina has everything served to her on a silver platter, her life has been constantly getting better ever since she got rid of my sorry ass, and it hurts, yeah - it hurts, to see her happy with someone else. I could have been that one, but someone took the chance from me - stole it, like a dirty fucking thief, and for that I hate him. Deeply and truly - but hey, what can you do?

(Take a fuckin' hatchet and split that motherfuckers skull, faggot. You know you'd want to. Prison isn't that bad, you'd be out in a couple of years. Good behavior.)

Good call, mister. But I don't think so. One way or another, I'll get my revenge. One way or another... I'd give it all away, so come take it all away, please. Somebody tell me how I got here? I'd give it all to you, come take it, it's all for you. The noise inside is so damn loud, but everything else is just dust and sound.

"Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord" - Romans 12:19

Onwards, like a marching soldier, lost in the field, but still marching until his legs won't bear him anymore. Under pressure from constant shelling, knowing that his next step might land on a landmine, blowing his legs of, but he'd still be crawling forward, pressing on until the blood has left his body, leaving a trail of crimson red behind him. Fight, fight, fight, until the break of dawn, in the night, in the fields, on the beaches - never give in to your enemy, for He is the Devil, and shall be sent back into the abyss where he belongs. Can you hear the marching drums, the killing rhythm? In this psychopathic daze I believe I can feel her breath on my neck. She's standing behind me, guarding me from all evil that has set out to harm me, holds her shining shield up high, preventing their sharp, poisoned daggers from reaching my heart. I lean back and feel her soft, white skin against mine, instantly sending chills down my spine from the sheer excitement it creates. Her body next to mine, asleep in each others arms, sharing heartbeats like you would share the last piece of bread with your starving best friend. Perhaps my tolerance is a phase, and I will soon snap out of it, awakened to a world full of the same pain I feel in my dreams. I long to fall asleep in her arms. Adrift and at peace, far away from this reality. Wrapped in immortality.

And with the words of Trent Reznor, also known as God, I leave you tonight. Have faith.

I still recall
The taste of your tears
Echoing your voice
Just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you
Still wash ashore
Scraping through my head
'Till I don't want to sleep anymore

I just want something
I can never have
In this place
It seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look
You're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder
Of who I used to be

All lips 'n hips

03.05 AM, Småland, Sweden

"Dear diary." (see, I went back to the " " marks again!)

It is no surprise that I once again find myself faced in front of a crossroad, or more like standing in the middle of one, with multiple roads to choose from. Not one of the roads is the other one alike, they all lead to different destinations... some are surrounded by nothing but sun-drenched fields, blue skies and a warm breeze that welcomes you while travelling onwards, but some are spotted with stains of blood under a dark, watery sky with a thunderstorm approaching in the distance. I know that whatever road I choose, it will be a long journey, and I might not even make it there. But the final question still remains - which road do I choose? The decision I make will undoubtedly make other people, people close to me, disappointed or sad in one or another way. And even though people think I'm an unsensitive bastard without emotions or feelings, the truth is I hate to hurt peoples feelings... I fuckin' can't stand it.

I should be asleep now, tomorrow's a busy day. I'm going in to Jönköping to meet up with the band, the whole band this time, including our lead quitarist, and we're gonna sit down and discuss our future. And to be honest with ya - it looks brighter than the fuckin' sun itself. You'd better have some pretty good sunglasses when we set off, 'cause there won't be a brighter shining star on the sky for a long time ahead. The only doubts I have are of myself being able to handle the prominent position of a lead singer. I have serious trouble finding my own voice, as I'm constantly trying to make it sound as other singers I idolize and look up to. But I guess that will work itself out in the end. We're all a bunch of idiots, so I'm in good company... or bad company, depends on how you put it...

Also, I'll be meeting Caroline tomorrow by noon to grab a cup of coffee and talk about the past and whatnot. It could end in any way, really. I'm off to bed now, have to get myself at least a few hours of sleep, but with a quarter of rum and coke in my belly, that's gonna work out just fine...

When I dream, I dream of you.
When I'm awake, I still dream of you.
I can't tell you enough how I feel for you,
but if one thing, my feelings are true.

Night everyone...

Dead lover's lane

02.50 AM, Småland, Sweden

Dear diary.

As I'm going through all my things tonight, packing them in boxes and throwing a lot of stuff away that I won't be needing in my new apartment, I find myself getting lost in all the memories of my past life. I found a box filled with memories I keep close to my heart, opened it and saw all those things that are history now, but I have kept to get back to whenever I feel lost. I read Tina's last letter to me, and it still smelled of her perfume. The weight of the past came crushing down on me and made my heart almost stop... as I went on to read all those letters, and touch all those things they have given me as gifts... I realized I have had quite a ride so far in life. Since the age of 13 and on, life has been a constant merry-go-round, a chaos, a bit blurry around the edges... but so far, it has been one hell of a ride. I'm 22 years old this year, far too old for my own taste, but I can't do a damn thing about it, except hold myself in denial... which I'll keep doing, for the record.

So many times I've been close to the edge, and I've even fallen off a few times, but always returned with new wings, even if they're made of lead. Life is falling constantly, they say, and I'm starting to believe I've finally found out how to spread my wings and enjoy the ride down to the abyss. This is a "memory-night" for sure, and I'm listening to all this music that brings back memories... The Birthday Massacre is for Marlene, Sun Kil Moon is for Tina, and HIM is for... myself, really...

Anyway, tomorrows gonna be calm, as usual. I'm maybe going in to Vaggeryd to meet Caroline, but we'll see about that. I'm beginning to get psyched about the Peace & Love festival, we're leaving the 21th of June for Borlänge, and will be staying there until the 28th of June. It's gonna be wonderful, getting drunk with all my friends, not thinkin' about anything. Just enjoying life to the fullest.

Ah, I'd better get back to packing my shit...

Night ladies

Kill the lights

04.15 AM, Småland, Sweden

Dear diary.

Back here again, celebrated my sister's birthday today with all the usual business that follows. Had something to eat, smiled with the other people, then went to bed and slept for a couple of hours. Been spending the night doing...nothing. Nothing at all. Now isn't that evolution in it's finest form...

I'm gettin' more and more pissed at myself for not doing anything with my life. Wasting it away when I know I could get so many wonderful things done. Come on, you fuck, show some spirit!

Off to bed now...

Into dust

11.30 PM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

I've got nothing interesting to tell you about my day today, it has been mostly wasted in the sense that I haven't achieved anything at all. Practiced a little singing, but that's pretty much it. Tomorrow I'll be going back to Småland again, it's my sister's birthday tomorrow, so I'm gonna play the good son once again together with my family. I'm spending tonight in front of my laptop, as usual, playing World of Warcraft with Ronja, which at least passes the time.

I'm not gonna bore you with any more stories of my worthless life, maybe I'll get back to you in the morning...

Everything you touch

4.35 PM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Anything that may desert you
So it cannot hurt you

You only have to look behind you
At who's undermined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way

Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand
Takes your gun
Walks you out of the sun


I just had another one of those conversations with Marlene that leaves me completely devastated afterwards... starts out just fine, we're polite and talking about normal things, but then suddenly it all turns around and we're starting to argue over all the things that happened in the past. I'm telling her I want to be her friend, and she just gives me the silent treatment, so I start telling her she doesn't care about me, and then the war starts... leaving me crying, miserable and fucked up...

I don't even know why I bother talking to her anymore... she has clearly forgotten all that we had once, and I'm nothing to her nowadays. It gets me so fucking mad, and I want to destroy everything around me, break out of my shell and become that sad fuck I was before, not thinking about any consequences, just act out of anger and wrath and take what I want. I can't stand the thought of being denied my feelings by anyone, her the least. She can't stop me from missing her, can't stop me from wanting her - even if it's just a stupid dream or fragments of my old self wanting to break free.

I feel like the fucking Hulk, when I get mad it's like a fire inside me, that grows stronger and stronger for each second, consumes everything that tells me reason and to act right, and I become this monster, bent on revenging himself and everything he has lost. It's both frightening and rejuvenating at the same time. I have the power in my hands to destroy so many things, to end peoples lives, to make them mine, and yet I still have my boundaries. But what happens when I cross these boundaries, when the cage is to small to fit all the rage and anger? I fear I will become an animal once again... all because of this...

I'm gonna go sedate myself with what's left of my zopiklon, it should make all of this stop...

See y'all in hell

Still waters run deep

03.20 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

Yet another one of those days that leave you totally unsatisfied. Nothing has been going on at all, I haven't even set foot outside the door today. Woke up around 5 PM, and repeated the same routine as yesterday - spending my time in front of my laptop. I feel like a fucking zombie, and the worst thing is that no one else but myself can get me out of this downward spiral that is degenerating me.

So I'm sitting here alone, listening to Chiodos, yet another band that has slowly gotten to me, when I first listened to them I didn't really like them, but as time has passed, I found myself listening to them more and more. Great stuff.

I have no plans for the weekend, I'm broke again so I'll probably try and sleep most of it away. Feels awful since a lot of my friends graduate tomorrow, and they'll be out partying and having fun... without me. Just another reason to end this right now.

Oh yeah... I talked to Caroline over the phone tonight for the first time in 6 years... felt weird, but also made me happy. She gave me a much needed flashback to who I used to be, and my past. Thanks sweetheart.

Night everyone'

I paint you no more

01.50 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

Nothing interesting to tell you about my day. Woke up around 5 PM, got up, placed myself in front of my laptop... and I'm still here. Been talking even more to Caroline, feels great, we have so much to discuss, and it looks like I'll be meeting with her sooner than I thought, I'll be going home to Småland next week, and so will she, so we're planning to grab a coffee together and talk about old times.

Things haven't changed a bit - still miserable, constantly having panic attacks, and overmedicating myself. My body's starting to feel it, and the pain in my heart won't go away. I guess you could call it a slow suicide, and I'm not gonna fight it this time. It is as if my ties to this world are slowly fading, and I am bit by bit disappearing into oblivion, just like a fairytale. Isn't that beautiful?

I know you're probably letting the thought of me go more and more now... and I wish I could do something to stop you, but all I can do is to be honest.

I need you.

Night'

If I had a heart

04.15 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

There couldn't have been a more fitting title for today's post, or is it tonight's perhaps?
'Cause I can't feel my heart. It's beating, but I can't feel it. Only had a few pills tonight... I guess I'm still dizzy from last nights overdose...

Today has been chaotic, and at the same time very calm... woke up around 11 PM... been spending the day on the couch, trying to ease the pain from my chest and my heart. Johanna came by in the evening to cut my hair, so now I can see again without having a long fringe in the way. It's funny how I've never really spent time with her alone, I've always been in the company of others when I've met her, so now I felt awkward trying to make conversation with her, and as I always do, tried to avoid eye-contact. I need to wean that habit.

So the evening had a surprise waiting for me... all of a sudden I had a new message at bilddagboken, saying "sid, sid, how are you?" from a girl I didn't recognize. After a few messages it all became clear - it was Caroline, my second girlfriend I had when I was around 16 years old. We hadn't heard from each other in 6 years, and I never bothered to try and make contact 'cause I thought she would just ignore me. We spent the whole evening and night talking, and it made me feel really good. She has changed, matured, into this beautiful woman... and she clearly made the same impact on me tonight as she did when I first met her all those years ago. She currently lives in Lund, studying theology, but we both agreed we had to meet soon and grab a coffee and just talk about everything that's been going on in our lives.

Later in the evening, I started getting text messages from a very drunk girl - the same girl I met last weekend. As we all know you get very voluble when under the influence of alcoholic substances, and she told me all these things about her wanting to see me again, and having feelings for me and so on. Very cute, but I think she'll regret those words tomorrow... or maybe not. She's attractive, nice and interesting in many ways, and that's just the problem with me...
Me and my heart. This is the same issue that has been going on since I first started having relationships, that fucked up desire to try everything and everyone, the feeling on missing out on everything when you're tied up to someone else. I never stop searching for new experiences, experiences in the form of new people, and all the times I've cheated on someone, it has been solely for that reason. Often it turns out that the grass isn't really greener on the other side, and that you've made a mistake, and have to live with it.

I already know where my heart wants to be, and I believe that girl feels the same for me, so why should I hesitate? I never seem to get fully satisfied, even when things are to good to be true. I don't want to be that fucked up person, I don't want to hurt anyone again. Maybe I need to stick to the thought that I need to shelter myself from others, so that I won't leave them scarred. But that means I have to live my whole life alone, and I would never make it through that alive... Everyone keeps pulling me everywhere, everyone wants a piece of my heart, and I can't understand why. I'm not really that attractive any longer, I don't have anything special to get someones attention, still I'm getting offers from a whole shitload of girls... offers that I more often than not take advantage of with the purpose of getting laid, but with this girl it's something different. She sees through all of the bullshit, straight into me, and even if she has a thousand reasons to run at the bare sight of me, she still stands there. And that is what my heart has been longing for, a soulmate, a companion, a lover - one who's joining the fight against the world and all it's inequities, you two together as a unit, a combined force. And even if all the other girls are tempting, both with their bodies and their personalities, I need to think about what's most important for me - to feel joy for a night, or to feel joy with someone for a long time.

I shouldn't be making plans for the future like this... you can never tell what is going to happen, and I'll probably end up miserable and heartbroken anyway, just like always.
The conversation with Caroline had a nice lil' side-effect... I didn't take any sleeping pills, 'cause talking to her made my mind think positive thoughts, so now I feel tired without any form of chemicals, except those still in my system. So I'm just gonna fall asleep now and dream about everything that could have been, everything that maybe will be, and everything that is. And baby, you're a part of it all.

Night ladies

Grey would be the color

13.15 PM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

This is insanity at it's core.

First thing's first - I went to Jönköping yesterday, as planned, things went well, we had a chat with our band counselor and planned the next meeting and so on, then I took the bus to Borås. arrived there at 5 PM, met Jessica, Sebastian and Louis, had trouble finding the office of Borås Bostäder, got there, signed the contract, then went to the station and took the bus back to Falköping. Everything went exactly as planned, except for... pretty much everything. The night before, I'd accidentally mixed pills to ease allergic symptoms with Tradolan, which is a heavy sedative - and the result wasn't very good. I could barely stay awake, I had trouble with my balance, I couldn't breathe at some times, and had a terrible headache. It felt like my head was padded in thick sheets of cotton, so the day became a nightmare. I tried my best to keep my face in front of everyone, and probably failed miserably. To everyone - I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to be that way.

After I'd been and signed my contract, Louis told me she had to go meet someone, and that I had to wait there until she had gone away, and I instantly understood why - she should meet with Tina, and I waited patiently, then left after a few minutes so I wouldn't have to see her, and just as I went out the door, she came walking back with Louis. I didn't even give her a glance, just went on to the station. Maybe she was just curious how ugly and unattractive I'd become since she left me, Jessica told me she wanted to ask her something really meaningless, so maybe that was just the case...

Also, it turned out I can't move in on Friday. For some fucked up reason, the guy who canceled his contract still lives in the apartment, so I can't move in until 1st of July, hopefully earlier. And that didn't make things a whole lot better. I went back to Falköping, got home, had a handful of Imovanes, and passed out. Slept for 20 hours straight... actually, it isn't really sleeping, it's more like a coma, with the single exception being that you're still able to dream. Nightmares, that is... I woke up with a terrible headache... my heart hurts, and when I draw breath, it feels like my chest is about to collapse. I know what it is, and I can't blame anyone but myself. Overdosing on pills have become a habit to me, and when I'm in that moment of panic and fear, I don't think about the consequences, I just want to make the noices in my head go away, make everything go away, so I can sleep. But not even sleep is a comfort any longer, when I drift away into dreaming, I'm still in hell. Dreams of me dying in the most horrific ways, dreams of her, dreams of everyone I've ever met, lost love, screaming, dying. I wake up from one hell, just to draw breath in another. And yesterdays events is what finally has pushed me off the edge. I can no longer see any light in my future, just this darkness that is spiraling around, faster and faster. Most people would say "Come on, it's not that bad, you're being childish.", but then again - they can't understand what Hell is like if they've never been there.

My vision is blurry... I know I should try to eat something, but I can't. I'm not hungry, still it has been more than 24 hours since I last had something to eat. I'm all alone at home this week, Erik went away to Sweden Rock Festival, so it won't be necessary to try and pretend that all is well in front of him. As much as I would like someone to come here and help me, I know I won't allow anyone to. They would only end up hurt, 'cause I'm too far gone for anyone to help me now. I accept it, because I'm really the only one to blame for this sorry mess I've become. This is only a way for my body and mind to tell me that my war is over, and that I've lost, and now has to suffer the consequences - even if they mean that I pass away. Nothing really matters anyway, it's all just a big game, life. Sometimes you lose, sometimes you win, but it doesn't make any difference - we're all in it together, and we can never quit until the day we die, and some other poor fuck takes our place in the big circle. I won't fight it anymore... I'm gonna embrace it like my own this time, and let it take me wherever it wants to.

I give up - yeah, I know, I'm sorry - but I can't move on. You'll understand.

These days are closing in
The end has become apparent
We're only here for so long
Will anyone remember my name
When time has washed away the dust of our ashes
When my head rests in a velvet lined casket
What's out there?
What is my eternal fate?
And it only just recently hit me
That this life is just a state
Mortality fading, like the innocence of love
I'm scared to death of what's to become

Of my immortal soul of this eternal flame
Will you remember?
Will your heart sing with pain?
Who calls out my name?
And tell me what happens
When my eyes close for the last time
Does it all simply end in a blanket of darkness
And what of my soul, what of my soul?

All those things that you couldn't say
You should've said
All those I-love-you's lost
Weighed more like lead on your chest