Thursday, January 28, 2010

I'll shoot the moon

8.14 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

This is getting far too usual, this delay between updates, so I'm not even going to explain why. I often find myself sitting here, clicking that "new post" button, and then just sitting there staring at the blank page, trying to find a reason why I should trouble myself with coming up with anything to write down. It's not like I'm an interesting person nowadays. I mean... I have a lot of stuff I could write about, stuff that interests me... but rarely no one I know has the same interest in those things. This is supposed to be a diary anyway, and it would be kinda' weird to publish anything else than diary entries.

Anyway, what's been up? Keeping myself busy? Not really. I was supposed to start studying a couple of weeks ago, and actually looked forward to it a tiny bit. But as soon as I got there, and sat down in that room together with all the other people, a feeling of insecurity and anguish rushed over me and I nearly freaked out and ran out of there. I've never felt more misplaced anywhere in my whole life - I mean, the people there... school dropouts, immigrants who could barely speak Swedish, single moms who've realized they can get more cash from studying than they get from child support and other lowlifes. I know I'm so much better than all these fuckers, so I went straight down to their office and quit school again. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle working together with all that scum, and besides, the only reason I go to school is so I can get money to survive. I'm smarter than most people already, and even though I don't mind studying, I prefer to do it in another environment than that.

And also... we've lost yet another drummer. Tommy moved back to his hometown, leaving us empty-handed. Though we've been getting slightly used to standing without a complete lineup for the band, this came as an unexpected blow to my dreams. Once again, doubt has arisen within the band, and I fear we'll never get this thing going if something isn't done about it. So that's why I'm movin' back to Jönköping. To get closer to the band, to rehearsals, to my friends, and hopefully that'll do the trick. It was a hard decision, expecially considering how much I like this town and the people in it, but in the end, my dream had to be taken into perspective. And I'd do anything to reach the top, and I believe this is only one of the sacrifices that has to be made to reach that place. Today I'll be going down to my landlords office to sign the papers, and 3 months from now, I'm hopefully ready to settle in down there. It's not like there's a great distance between the two towns anyway, just a one hour ride by car or bus and you're there, but the difference lies in the attitude of the people. Everyone in Jönköping seems to be so damn uptight and introvert, totally lacking the ability to let loose or take things less seriously. But maybe that's just to our advantage, since it's going to be easier for a band like us to stand out in the crowd. Either way, I'm outta here in 3 months.

Doing some laundry right now, and feeling a bit tired from being up all night. I've been feeling dizzy for the last two days now, like someone has hit me in the head or something, and also, my vision is weird, as if my eyes have suddenly moved and inch into my skull. Don't know why, but I hope it goes away soon. Uh... yeah, that's about it for now... I guess. Some coffee would be nice... I'll go make myself a cup.


Monday, January 18, 2010

Happiness is

9.30 PM, Borås, Sweden

There are things I've done I can't erase
I want to look in the mirror, see another face
I said never would I do it again
I want to walk away, start over again

No more rain
No more roses
On my way, shake my thirst in a cool, cool pond

There is a winner in every place
There is a heart that's beating in every page
The beginning of it starts at the end
When it's time to walk away and start over again

I haven't felt this love for music in a long time. I've been listening to Tom Waits from time to time before, but never really listened to it, while reading the lyrics at the same time. And that was when it struck me, the full aspects of the love of music, the thing that I live and breathe. I'm having great trouble putting it into words, even at this moment of clarity and inspiration. I suppose I'm hitting another high tonight, and I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts. Soon it may be over for this time, and I'm falling down into that dark place again.

I have to break this habit, I have to set myself free from the chains that bind me. My life will never be worth living as long as I'm imprisoned by this mental illness, this motherfucker that has taken place inside my head. I met Zandra today, first time since we broke up. It felt nice, after all I feel like I can be myself around her. I guess this is harder to her than me, but that was the way it had to be. Maybe we can have a friendly relationship instead.

I intended to write a bit longer today, but I kinda' ran out of things to write. For now, at least. Guess I'll be going back to listening to the sweet tunes of Tom Waits and let the night unfold as it should. Later.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Is another mistake

8.44 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Been awake for little over an hour right now, and as far as that goes, it's quite unusual. My diurnal rhythm has been fucked up so many times now that I'm amazed I still can get out of bed, at whatever time I may wake. Didn't sleep too well tonight, a lot of nightmares lately. But I guess that's something I've been getting used to. First things first - I'm single.

Hah, fucker. I knew it. Couldn't figure that out, could ya?

Shut up. I gave it an honest try, didn't I? Damn right. I guess it all came to the point where I was no longer able to see a difference anymore. What started out so sweet, all turned so wrong in the end. And I'm only blaming myself, 'cause in the end it's my fucked up head that started all this. It seems that once again, I've fallen deeper into depression. Deeper than I can handle. I began too see some warning signs about a month ago, when I couldn't bring myself to care about things I cared about earlier. Things that made me happy before wouldn't bring any joy any longer. Everything became an unfocused blur of events that I just couldn't bring myself to enjoy. Then came the disgust for other people. I became more and more aware of my hatred of other humans, seeing clearly why the human race more than ever deserves to be wiped from the planet. I didn't want to be touched, didn't want anyone close, it made my skin crawl. And that isn't exactly optimal conditions for a relationship is it? I even lost my appetite for sex - and to me that is losing my appetite for life itself. Nothing seemed to matter, and I couldn't look forward to anything. So it had to be that way, 'cause I would only end up hurting her more if I let our relationship continue without me being able to feel the same as she did.

And things still haven't changed. I mean, it can change from day to day, hour to hour, second to second. The joys of a manic-depressive disorder. I can literally go from a state of total happiness down to total panic and anguish in less than a minute, and I can't live my life like that. I can't keep any feeling alive for a longer time, and it makes me feel crippled. I can't focus on anything for more than five minutes, which makes pretty much everything that involves creative thinking impossible. I fucking hate myself for not being able to spend time writing new material for the band - especially since it looks like it's gonna work out this time around. I have to get out of this mess before it's too late... but maybe it already is. I can't even start to think about all the time I've wasted in this prison of my mind, time that could be spent living my life to the fullest instead.

I've some thoughts about trying to get some medication once again. Last time I tried, it backfired heavily, and resulted in some failed suicide attempts, but maybe it'll all be different this time around. The only thing that's stopping me is having to go through all the bullshit it takes to actually get the medication. You have to go to the hospital, talk to a whole bunch of doctors, explain how you're feeling, why you're feeling that way, and how you want to feel. And I can't even explain to myself what's going on inside of me, so that would be nearly impossible. I believe I could get some results from trying lithium. It seems to be an effective treatment for the manic-depressive disorder, which is the most severe of my disorders. The others are just products of it.
We'll see what happens, if I know myself, I'll try once again to kick this shit by myself, which so far hasn't worked out a single time, only sending me deeper into it. But at least I have a little bit of faith left - thanks to the people around me. The people that matter. In their company, I don't need to pretend that everything's alright. So thanks, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being there, even when I'm being a miserable bastard. You know who you are.

Time for some breakfast. Later.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

All it takes

Here we go, further into apathy, one step at a time. I believe I have lost this battle, all that is left now is to wait for my existence to fade. And soon you won't see me at all...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Hello darkness... old friend. Ah, what the fuck, all I wrote about in my other blog was the same shit that I was writing here. No point in keeping it alive. Back from the dead, or back TO the dead, perhaps.