Dirty and cheap

12.40 PM, somewhere in Småland, Sweden

My head hurts like a motherfucker.

23.40 PM

So yesterday was great, I was enjoying myself and everyone had a good time. Met a whole lot of interesting people, and once again - I love partying with the band. We're starting to get more like a gang than a band, and that's exactly the way it should be. Us against the world, or something like that...

I slept most of the day to get rid of my horrible hangover, which worked out just fine. When I woke up around 9 PM I had about 10 new messages on my cellphone, everyone seems to want to get in touch with me. And I don't mind at all, it feels great to be needed or sought after. Been talking to this girl I fell asleep beside yesterday, she's really nice and we said we should meet again sometime. She's a hairdresser, which suits me perfectly, and quite hot too. I'm starting to get a bad case of decision-agony...

So tomorrow I'll be going in to town again with basstard to sign some papers and get the keys to our new rehearsal space, after that I'll be taking the bus to Borås to sign the contract to my new apartment, and then maybe meet Louis and grab a coffee or something like that, then I'll be going back to Falköping in the evening. I'm gonna be alone there, since Erik is going down to Sweden Rock Festival, lucky bastard... So if anyone wants to save me from my loneliness, feel free to do so.

Night everyone

Morning calls

07.25 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

Just woke up, tired as fuck... I'll be going home to Småland today as I mentioned in an earlier post. In the evening I'll meet up with Makkey and Johan in Jönköping, we're spending the night drinking and partying, so business is gonna be as usual. It feels good spending time in their company - you feel a bit closer to living the dream, so to speak. On Sunday I'll be staying at home, having dinner with my family and being nice to my mother because of Mother's day and all. On Monday I'm planning to make a visit in Borås, to sign the contract for the apartment and get the keys and so on, and the week will probably be spent mostly at home in Småland, preparing everything for the move.

Also, I got a pleasant surprise a couple of days ago... all of a sudden I had a new message on helgon.net, from - believe it or not - Arjana. She wanted to give back some pictures of me as a child that she had at home, and we talked a bit, and yesterday she told me she maybe wanted to be friends in the future. Totally unexpected, but I'm not complaining, I'd love to keep contact with her, since she is one of the girls I've trusted the most in my entire life. I treated her like shit the last period of our relationship, and can perhaps never make up for my mistakes, but to be able to share all of our memories with her is just great. We'll see how that turns out, for the better I hope.

I'm gonna go get myself a gallon of coffee right now, take a shower and get dressed. If you happen to be in town tonight (Jönköping, that is) feel free to give me a call and we'll meet.

- 0739070960

Later

Leave out all the rest

00.40 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

Sitting here alone... Erik went out with some friends and I'll be all by myself all night. Still not feeling well, even after todays notification from Borås Bostäder that I'm getting the apartment. I'll be moving in on June 5th, and then I'm finally, after years of waiting, living exactly where I want to live, surrounded by people I trust and care about... and some I don't trust and rather would see dead. But hey, you can't get everything perfect.

I just realized that I started writing this post with my head full of stuff I wanted to write down, but now it's just gone... am I getting alzheimers now as well or what? Ah, hell, it's no use... I'll get back to y'all.

Later


02.40 AM

I wish there was someone here. Someone who can silence the voices screaming inside my head. Someone to hold, someone to touch. But I'm alone. All alone.

Opened a fresh bottle of triazolam today... I promised myself to keep off the pills, but they keep me from falling too deep down in this bottomless pit I'm in. They turn the screams into whispers, and I silently drift away into sleep, hearing only the faint sounds of my heart slowing down. Sometimes it feels like it stops beating, like I'm in a coma, but can see and hear everything going on around me... I can't defeat this monster.

Heaven, where is my angel?
I need her now, holding me

You wouldn't last a minute

04.10 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

I'm gonna keep things short for today, not much has been happening... slept all day as usual, occassionally waking up when the phone rang. Just been sitting around in front of my laptop since I woke up, getting fat from all the unhealthy stuff I eat... at least I can eat something, even if I throw it all up a few minutes later. Still not feeling well.

So it looks like I'm going back to Småland this weekend. On Saturday I'll be meeting with the band in Jönköping, we're gonna party and watch some kind of event that's going on there. On Sunday I'm gonna be The Good Son™ and spend the day at home with my family on mother's day.

Can't someone just please just fast-forward my life until I can move into my new apartment? This is driving me insane... oh wait, I already am..

Night

This is it, our one chance to make things right
Post love affliction
Our hearts nightmares won't let this happen again
Name the last time I wrote about something other than you

I'll keep dreaming
Not another word sweetheart
Nothing is perfect, but it has to be someday
So I'll keep dreaming
We have to be someday

When I'm the reflection in her sun bright eye
Knees go weak, and lips quiver
The split second before they meet

I'll keep dreaming
Not another word sweetheart
Nothing is perfect, but it has to be someday
So I'll keep dreaming
We have to be someday

Cold black days

05.10 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

Spent the whole day yesterday sleeping, woke up around 6 PM, and has been sitting in front of my laptop ever since, listening to music, playing some WoW and just thinking. Kinda' like a coma, with the exception that you get up once in a while and grab something to eat or go to the toilet. Worthless.

I don't feel alright, and I don't even know why. My body doesn't feel right - my bones ache, I have a constant headache and I feel light-headed and weak. Perhaps I'm slowly dying... actually that would make sense. My subconciousness has realized that time has run out, and has initialized a total shutdown. It begins with my mind, bit by bit, it immobilizes the ability to think, then comes the nerve system, carefully deleting piece by piece, leaving me totally numb. Then comes the body functions, I stop eating (which I really can't manag any longer) then finally, when my body is weak from dehydration and hunger, the heart starts slowing down until the last beat echoes through my body. Clinical death, they call it. Life, I call it.

Once again I've started to fuck up my diurnal rhythm. I'm gonna try and stay awake until at least 6 PM, and then go to bed "early" and hoping I can wake up at maybe 10 or 11 AM. Don't have anything in particular planned for the week, and even if I had anything planned, I would probably end up canceling it anyway. All this shit going on lately has made me irritated and pissed off... at pretty much everything. I can't tell where all the anger is coming from, it just seems that everyone gets on my nerves all the times, and I can't take any comfort or enjoy anything I used to like before. Everything seems meaningless. I need to find something that gives me my stregth back. Before it's too late.

Since you write about me in your own blog, maybe I should write something about you - you make my days so much better... if you only knew. I'm not hoping for too much, but lately, we've gotten to know each other better every day. You're not like the rest - you're like a shining diamond laying in a field of granite rocks. I can't stop thinking - or dreaming - about you, and not even all the other girls making offers can make me change my mind. But you already know about this, but yeah... now it's written down for the whole world to see. And even if noone cares, I still hope you do.

Time to make some coffee and a morning cigarette...

Later...

Long way to go

06.10 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

I just got home, been out drinking all night. I went over to Dennis place last night, we had a couple of beers, talked about music and other stuff, then went on to this girl a mutual friend of ours knew, and stayed there until the morning. Now he's laying in the sofa, snoring loudly. Gotta wake him up soon, I have booked a time to do some laundry at 7 AM, so I'm gonna get that over with and then go to bed. And that requires for him to get his ass outta here.

Got an answer from Borås Bostäder yesterday also, it turns out they had withdrawn me from their list of acceptable tenants because of a stupid misunderstanding we had. So now I'll have to apply for all the apartments all over again, which pisses me off totally. They never said anything about my request being invalid, but hey, that's life - it fucks you over, again and again.

I'm a bit drunk and about to pass out at any time, gonna make some coffee and try to stay awake. Later.

"Drawn together
Painter's brush stoke
Sleight of hand we
We won't go up in smoke
Fates colliding
Love undying

Like the rising tide
Beating hearts grow but never die
To simplify
I'll stand by your side
Close my eyes
Hope will never die"

Baby, you make it all worthwhile.

Next stop, nowhere

03.00 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

It's okay, we're dead. Isn't that one of the most ultimate expressions you have ever heard? I think so.

Nothing much to tell you about my day today, woke up from having a panic attack, so I couldn't breathe and freaked out. Things didn't get better by the fact that some of Erik's friends had invaded the living room and had placed computers and other random shit all over, which I of course under the influence of my panic attack, tripped over. Spent most of the day wishing that everyone would just disappear so I would have a chance to calm down, smoked almost a whole pack of cigarettes in just a few hours, so my throat is pretty sore right now.

Today I've gotten my first payment from my unemployment fund, so I'm not broke for a change, even though most of the money will be spent on paying bills. We're going down to town tomorrow to grab a coffee and perhaps something to eat, then later in the evening Johanna is coming over to cut my hair again, it's starting to grow a bit too long. No other plans for the week, except that I'm, as always, hoping to get an answer about the apartment. Also, I'll be going to Jönköping to meet up with the band and get the key for our new rehearsal space.

I fear I'm heading into another depression... things don't feel right, and I haven't been able to point out what's missing in my life. Maybe I'm missing everything, everything I don't have, everything I can't get and everything I don't know I need. It feels like I'm a sailor in a shipwreck, emerging from underwater in a terrible storm, clinging on to the floating debris, just to get hit by another giant wave that leaves me spiraling down into the depths once again. Every time it feels like I can make it back to the surface again, something drags me down again. It has been like this for years, and one would think that I would get used to it, but you can't get used to something that is so irregular as this is. After all, things aren't that bad, are they? I've got a place to live, I've got food on my table, and friends to socialize with. But yeah, that's right... I've also got other friends, inside my head. And they aren't exactly the forgiving type...

All of the shit that's going on constantly inside my head, all of the voices, sounds, thoughts and feelings are mixed into a blur I cannot find sense in. I can't tell people how I feel, I can't write down how I feel, I can't make music into what I feel. I'm crippled, totally, and I react with anger, and with anger comes the abuse of pills and drugs to try and ease the pain of being numb. I want to make something out of my life, not just be an empty vessel, floating silently onwards into oblivion. I want to write, sing, love, hate, live like others do, like an artist, a musician, build my own world full of creativeness, and fill it with people I love and that can share my vision, my dream - my masterplan, with. As I sit here tonight, my mind is glowing. Not only from all the speed, but also from all of the ideas and thoughts coming out of my mind. If only I could grab them, take them in my hands, and make them into a reality.

No matter how long I sleep, or how many moments I take to try and catch my breath, I can't find peace inside. I've tried everything I can to make my mind work properly, and I'm running out of options. To be honest, I'd rather be dead than live my life this way. If I can't set my footprints in history during the short time I have here, life isn't worth living. And maybe my body knows that, my mind knows, and is therefore trying to kill me while I still haven't realized. I don't know.

I need someone to bring peace to my mind, and whoever does so, shall have my heart, to guard it and be guarded back.

Hell hath no fury like a boy in love.

Night

Who wouldn't love you

02.40 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

So yesterday we celebrated Johanna's birthday, it went as planned - partying, drinking, passing out and sending stupid fucking text messages early in the morning, and waking up the next day without having a single memory of doing so.

Tonight is spent in front of my laptop, as usual, Erik and Johan are playing Warcraft III, and I'll probably join them soon. Nothing else interesting going on in my life at the moment, I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of static, unable to move forward or backwards, or in any direction at all. I've entered one of those periods again, and this time it has been going on for too long. I can't seem to snap out of it, and as much as it pisses me off, I'm just gonna have to wait it out. It's the only way. I think I'm gonna owe you some catching-up when things finally start to move inside my head again.

Still waiting for an answer from Borås Bostäder about the apartments I've applied for, and I'm expecting to move in by the end of May.

Not much more for me to say, so I guess we'll have to call this a night. Later, people.




I'm sorry for being an asshole when I'm drunk.

When the sun gave up the sky

06.15 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

So today we're gonna celebrate Johanna's birthday, which would be great if it wasn't for the fact that I don't have any cash to buy some booze. And a sober party ain't my kind of party, so probably I'll end up sitting around at home with the demons, trying to keep myself from going insane... or wait, I already am... right...

Been spending the night getting lost in the wonderful world of urban exploration, and for thos of you who are unfamiliar with the term, let Wikipedia enlighten you;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urban_exploration

There is something specific about exploring places you were never meant to be at that attracts me. Even as a small kid I enjoyed being in cities or industrial areas, the feeling of the infrastructure, that every little brick had been put there by the hands of humans, and for a reason. It's history being discovered with a total hands-on approach, you're actually out there, exploring places that have been long forgotten by mankind, places that no one has set foot in for decades, or even more. The rush, the adrenaline, the excitement of finding a new place, lifting manhole covers, crawling in dark tunnels, opening rusted doors... I'm addicted to it. Everything we see above ground, we take for granted. But not many people realize that there is a whole world underground, hidden for most regular people, but accessable for the workers who keep our society running, plumbers, electricians and so on.

Most interesting of all things hidden are perhaps the military structures, huge complexes, command centers, radio control centers and so on. Hidden deep inside the mountains, they are every explorers dream. While often being abandoned and sealed off with concrete, some of them remain open, and once you step inside you get struck by the history of the place, what it was like to work there. It's a universal rule for all explorers - "Take nothing but photos, leave nothing but footprints.", and it makes sense. Those places are a piece of our history, and while most of them get sealed by the military, those who are left should be left that way.

I'm always looking for more people who share my passion for the exploring, and since I'm soon moving to Borås, I'm gonna have a whole new town to uncover and explore. If you're interested, just tell me, and we'll plan a trip together. There are many cool places to get into there.

I should probably try to get some sleep now, but I know I'll be sitting around for a couple of hours longer, just watching the photos, dreaming. You should check it out, too.

http://www.benkar.se/glomdarum/galleri/Civilforsvar-Totalforsvar/LedningscentralUnderAvveckling/index.html

Never too late

12.20, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

With the risk of repeating myself... god, my headache is killing me. I went out with some friends to a club last night and got totally hammered. I had a good time, mostly, and went back home again when the club closed, had a few more beers and talked to Ronja via msn about a very interesting offer from her and another girl...

Not much more to tell, I'm probably gonna spend all day lying on the sofa, feeling sorry for myself and watching TV. Tomorrow we're gonna celebrate Johanna's birthday, she'll be 17, and it's a great reason for drinking. Maybe I'll write to you later today, diary.

An oath for cruelty

13.15 PM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

God... this headache is killing me... I had a few too many drinks last night, and I guess I had this coming... Anyway, nothing much to report, just the same old pointless subsistence as usual. Oh yeah, right - we've got ourselves a new rehearsal space in Jönköping, we're meeting with the guy from Studiefrämjandet next week to get the keys, and should be planning our first rehearsal shortly after that. I'm beginning to get really psyched about this whole thing, we're young, we're reckless and we're ready to take on the world.

Yesterday, we actually talked about getting some strippers for our shows, or at least girls who doesn't mind to take of their clothes in front of a crowd. That would be awesome, and would be just another reason to show up at our gigs. We're doing everything KISS-style - fire, booze and girls, girls, girls, just like the 80's. People have forgotten how to act like a real rock band, nowadays there's only a few left, and they're ready to retire soon. We'll be there to pick up the torch.

Gonna go medicate myself with some coffee and a cigarette now, later.

What I bleed without you

05.00 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

Alright, alright... I know yesterday didn't make any sense. But that's only 'cause it didn't - not in any way. I've never tried those pills before, and that fucking nightmare came rushing over me. But I won't apologize to you, you listen to this shit no matter how fucked up I am.

Let's get started with my day today; total fucking waste of time, space, air and brain capacity. Nothing creative at all has been coming out from my mind lately, and I haven't even had the energy to walk outside the apartment. I'm beginning to understand why people always say that "the walls are closing in", because that's just what's starting to happen, and it's freaking me out even more.

I'm stuck at the usual point again - waiting for some response for an authority or a company, and it's always the same - everything takes an eternity, it seems. How fucking hard should it be to send someone an email, a letter or call? Priority number one is to get a response from Borås Bostäder about the apartments I have applied for, after that I once again have to get things sorted out with my unemployment fund... and my patience with things like that ran out a long time ago. I just want to get everything done so I can finally focus on creating some stability, if that's even possible.

I'm feel as lost inside my head as I feel outside of it, I guess I'm just having one of those breakdowns again, you know which ones I'm talking about.

And that's why I gotta stop now before I smash my computer to pieces from all the frustration of not being able to express myself.

Night


We are nothing.
A lost cause for a lost cause.
The hourglass is a loaded gun.
Running short of sand.

Breaking every single mirror.
I'm burning every single letter.
You're fading with a hundred pictures on my walls.
We are nothing.
We're fading faster.
We're fighting for another lost cause.
And you're fading fast.

Now you're fading out with the pictures of.
Were fading faster.
Were fighting for another lost cause.
And you're fading faster now.
You're fading out like the pictures on my walls

I must be dreaming

04.35 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

What a skeletal wreck of man this is. Translucent flesh and feeble bones, the kind of temple where the whores and villains try to tempt the holistic tomes. Running rampant with free thought to free form in the free and clear. And the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundromat to sift and focus on the bigger, better... now.

We all have a little sin that needs venting, virtues for the rending and laws and systems and stems a rift from branches of office, do you know what your post entails?
Do you serve a purpose, or purposely serve? Wind down inside of your atavistic allure, the value of a Summer spent and a Winter earned.For the rest of us there is always Sunday. The day of the week that reeks of rest but all we do is catch our breath so we can wade naked into the bloody pool and place our hand on the big black book. To watch the knives zig-zag between our aching fingers.

A vacation is a count-down - T minus your life and counting, time to drag your tongue across the sugar-cube and hope you get a taste. What the FUCK is all this for?!

(What the hell's goin' on?!)

SHUT UP!!

I could go on and on, but, lets move on shall we?

Say, you're me and I'm you and they all watch the things we do and like a smack of spite they threw me down the stairs - haven't felt like this in years - the great magnet of malicious magnanamous refuse... let me go and plunge me into the dead spot again. That's where you go when there's no-one else around, it's just you and there was never anyone to begin with now was there? Sanctomonious pretentious dastardly bastards with their thumb on the pulse and a finger on the trigger...

CLASSIFIED MY ASS! That's a FUCKING secret, and you know it!

Government is another way to say -

Better

Than

You.

It's like ice but no pick, a murder charge that won't stick, it's like a whole other world where you can smell the food - but you can't touch the silverware.

Hah, what luck - fascism you can vote for... isn't that sweet...

And we're all gonna die some day 'cuz thats the American way, and I've drunk too much, and said too little, when your gaffer taped in the middle, say a prayer, save face, get yourself together and (see what's happening)

SHUT UP! (FUCK YOU!)

FUCK YOU!

I'm sorry I could go on and on, but it's time to move on so...

Remember - you're a wreck, an accident, forget the freak, you're just nature. Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean, shit, snort and blaspheme. Let the heads cool and the engine run...

Because in the end, everything we do, is just everything we've done...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

06.40 AM

I remember when we were angels. We were unstoppable, the prettiest couple in the world. Together we were immortal. Our hearts beat in unison, right next to each other. I lied down each night beside you, feeling like there was no other place on earth I'd rather be. But then came the storms, and we were washed away from each other, lost our grip.

I still see that fire inside us when I watch that photo. You had your pink hair back then, our lips are pressed together in a passionate kiss, the sunrays reflect in the lens, and we were at the top of our relationship. We were angels.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

08.30 AM

If hell was raised on earth, this is what it would be like. Living each day in fear of your own mind, a mind that's plotting against you, wanting to kill you. Please, take my hand and pull me out of my misery. You wanted to help people, I read it... I'm a mess, and I could use some assistance right now. I can't stand this place anymore, I want to get out, I need to escape...

I didn't just hear that. You didn't just tell me that. Who? Stop talking. Now.

Oh, hi Diary. Just wanted to tell you that the weekend has been calm. Nothing to report. Still missing, still miserable. Still loving, still waiting, still wanting you.

I'm drifting away again... maybe this time I can sleep, and never wake up again. I'd be doing everyone the greatest favor ever...

A failsafe

07.25 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

I nearly forgot all about you tonight... or today, whatever it is...

I'm gonna keep things short as for now, my day has been totally wasted away on sleeping, woke up around 5.30 PM, and haven't done anything worth mentioning since then. I've got no specific plans for the weekend, and since I'm totally broke I guess I'll be sitting around at home, trying not to panic from the fact that everyone's out enjoying themselves, and I'm left all alone, up for grabs for the demons. I'm gonna need some medication to endure the weekend, and it's not gonna be pretty trying to get them in the way I have to now...

Maybe I'll write in you later today... you're gonna be my only company the next few days, hope you're up for some insanity.

Until then

And yeah, one last thing...

You make my heart beat faster <3

Enhance my nightmare

11.55 PM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

It feels like I owe you some time spent on writing down my thoughts and feelings. You feed on it, and since you give me the comfort of someone who's actually listening without talking back, I'm gonna give it a shot tonight.

There's not much to tell about my day... woke up around 2.30 PM, went downtown and had a few cups of coffee with some friends, went home, played some Guitar Hero and then placed myself in front of the computer. I've been feeling edgy all day, tired, but also bothered by something I haven't been able to put my finger on. It feels as if something is changing inside me - and I'm not sure if I like it. Perhaps it's just the fact that I'm sick from not having any chemicals floating around in my blood - but I'm finding it hard to admit, 'cause that would make me... yeah, you're right, a junkie. And I've never wished for that. But then again, maybe it's just another one of those periods of time when I seem to get lost, when my thoughts drift away and I can't manage anything creative or take any action to improve myself or my subsistence.

Jessica called earlier in the evening, and we had a short, but interesting conversation. She told me some things that made my heart tremble once again. I'm still not through all the confusion that surrounds this matter, and I'm not even sure that there ever was any confusion. I'm finding it hard to take one step forward, and grab what's waiting for me. Maybe I'm too afraid of moving forward, because when you're standing still, there's never gonna be a past left behind to come back and haunt you in the future. A bit cryptic, but true.

Only this time I believe I'm making the right move, if you can call it a move. I am in love with the theory laid out in the movie Donnie Darko - that we humans are just hollow vessels traveling through life, led by invisible strings that are pulling us into that we have chosen to call fate. And now, I am dragged towards her. I'm not gonna put up any resistance - in fact, resistance in this case, would be futile. I'm for the first time in a very, very long period of time (at least it feels that way) enjoying my path towards another crash landing, because I know I might just be lucky enough to have her take my hand and pull me out of the scorching wreck, and heal my wounds, heal my heart and make my lungs draw breath with newfound enthusiasm. It's worth a shot, 'cause that's the wonderful thing about this game we play called life - you never know what's waiting around the next corner, never know where you're gonna end up, or with who. Fates collide, and sometimes create undying love.

I know you're not used to me being so optimistic - in fact I've been getting used to the idea that everything's black and grey, and that there'll never be a way out of this hell I'm walking in. I'm lying if I say that I've given up hope, but I don't see a difference between "giving up hope" and "not giving a damn about what happens to me". They're quite similar, and even though I still cling onto that belief, I'm starting to distuingish a light making it's way through the thick rain clouds surrounding me - and this time it's not a freight train rushing towards me. It's the light that lives in her smile, her beautiful face, the way she expresses herself, her whole existance, all summed up in a bright shining light, like a shooting star destined to hit my heart and illuminate all of my soul. I'll be right here baby, right here if you need me. If you're not afraid of picking up something that so many people have thrown away, jumped on and cursed with the worst of curses. If their words don't make you run away in fear and anger from my presence, or if you can accept me as I am - broken or not. Remember the story about the ugly duckling? He got lost from his family, bullied by the other beatiful birds, and finally abandoned - but he found his way back to his family, and once he became accepted and loved, he turned into a beautiful white swan. I'm ready to make that transformation, in your embrace, and even though my wings and feathers will be black, my heart is still yours if you want it.

Ah, hell... this is turning into some kind of twisted reality show. You're a diary, damn it, I should be writing to you, and you only. Nevermind, there are people reading this, so I'm just gonna continue leaving them small notes to make them feel revered.

And you know what? Night #2 without any form of chemicals. Just nicotine and caffeine today. My body's telling me to stop resisting the urge to take anything, but my mind is still resisting. For the first night in... I don't know how long, I'm actually feeling tired - not in that usual way, when my heads too loud and the demons speak their sweet words of poison into my ears, but tired in a more normal way, you feel your muscles ache, your head's getting heavy and you just want to close your eyes, lay down and let yourself drift away into sleep. I pray this feeling holds on just long enough until I can get to sleep. It hurts to lie down in a bed that's so empty, as if the sheets were hiding long, sharp spikes underneath them that pierced through my flesh when I tried to lie down, but that's just my mind fucking with me again. The spikes are memories, in fact, painful memories of nights plagued by nightmares, panic, insomnia and pure terror coming from within. The bloodstains are still left, still there, as a reminder that I'm hurting, bleeding constantly.

Everything would be easier if I could just find the reason why I've turned out this way. Why did the demons choose to haunt me? My childhood was mostly happy, I grew up in a caring family, who despite a silent attitude towards feelings, never let me down. Until the age of 12, I was what you might call a happy kid. A happy kid with normal interests, normal friends, and a normal way of being. But all of that changed just overnight, I don't know when, and I don't know why. It was as if a dark cloud had drawn in over my mind, and put itself in orbit around my head, refusing to leave, and constantly showering it with cold drops of anguish, deceit, pain, anger and a million destructive things. I began to hate the world, since I figured out it didn't cooperate with my will and my way of being. At first, I turned the anger inwards, 'causing both mental and physical wounds, starting to veil my troubles in alcohol, drugs and surrounding myself with people who were as mentally scarred as me. And when finally someone reached out a helping hand, I grabbed it, and clinged on to that person until I suffocated her. They never understood me, not until she came along, she lived with me for those 2 years, saw through every crack in my facade, and didn't turn back. But I even fucked that up, foolishly believing that she would stay no matter how ugly things got. But she didn't stay, didn't want to be forced into making me happy, when all I gave her was despair. So I did the only thing I knew how to do - tried to force my way. And I think that's when the gates finally opened, and the chains were burst, and that monster that had been dwelling inside me broke free form it's captivity, and took control over my mind. I think he's still sitting somewhere inside, overseeing every action I take, reading every thought I have, silently planning his next move to shake my world once again. It hurt her, so bad, and the sane side of me still bears the heavy weight of that guilt. I met her not so long ago, by the way, on a bus here in town. She got on, and sat down just a few decimeters from me, she saw me, but didn't even bother to say hi. Isn't that strange - a person with whom you shared your life, both with it's ups and downs, for two and a half years, and she doesn't even acknowledge you? Life is strange sometimes.

And here I am today. I've left nothing behind but burned bridges and crashed relationships, and still I am continuing my search? Maybe there's something left inside my mind that's healthy and sane, something that tells me, subconsciously, that I need to keep marching, that the day will come when I finally reach my destination, my home, my safe harbor. I don't know, maybe I'm just romanticising things - but I know where my next destination is... I'm marching straight towards your heart, baby, and I pray that you are the home I've never had.

Night everyone (or if the sleeping fails, I'll be seeing y'all in wonderland, dancing with the fairies...)

But my heart's of gold

03.30 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

I'd like to start with a message to all of you poor people who are actually reading this nonsense... I have a clear intention of being 100 % honest about my life and what's going on in it. After all, this is a space where I can ventilate my thoughts, and it is mostly for my own sake. I chose to make it public so anyone foolish enough to actually take some interest in my life could read about what's going on inside my head and in my life. If you intend to - or already are - getting involved in my life in any way, you can expect to also be mentioned here. If you don't want to be mentioned, just tell me, and I'll consider it. With that said...

Today has been interesting. Fell asleep around 10 AM, slept until 2 PM. Got up, had a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Spent the rest of the day doing nothing special, watching TV, doing some laundry, messaging with some random people on my mobile phone. No brain activity whatsoever, and I guess it was just one of those days when I can't seem to get anything done that requires some brain activity.

Now to the interesting part. I've told you about this girl I met a couple of weeks ago, diary. Since then, we've continued speaking via msn and various community sites, and have gotten to know each other more and more. I'm not saying I know her, 'cause that would be a lie - but we have a lot of things in common. Now it has gotten to the point where I think I'm about to make one of my famous mistakes once again - rushing into something a little bit too fast. As always, I fall in love too easily. And every time I do, it feels like something entirely different and stronger than last time. I really can't tell what I'm feeling, but she touches something inside of me that I can't simply ignore and forget. Our conversation this night ended with her saying some very special words, words that made my heart skip a few beats in pure confusion. And I know you're reading this, and baby, please forgive me if I'm wrong about all this. But I'd love to let you fix my heart. Maybe you're the one.

I've never liked to be the one who makes the decisions. I'm never the first one to ask "Are we a couple?" or "Do you love me?", even though the words are aching to be told, I just can't seem comfortable with uttering them. If my mind was cooperating with me tonight, maybe I could give a deeper explanation, but until then you'll have to do with "I don't know why."

No pills tonight. That's right, no chemicals at all. It feels strange, and I can feel the chaos creeping around in the corners of my mind, but somehow they do not dare come out into the light. And I think I know just the reason for that... thank you. You make me smile.

Malfunction. Gotta stop.

Night people

You got here just in time
To let me know I was worth saving
It's nothing more than for the heart
Too proud to breathe
But I'm too scared to say the things worth saying
Who knew this trip would be this hard?

As I'm looking to the sky to count the stars
I wonder if you see them where you are
I'm down on both my knees and pray tomorrow brings no pain

We're no here

04.40 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

You shouldn't be writing here when you're this fucked up.
Yeah, I know. I know. Just shut up, will ya?
Alright, alright... but don't say I never warned you... geeze...

I've been spending my whole day sleeping. Went back from my parents home yesterday, when I got to Falköping again at 8.30 AM I had to rush to the job centre for an appointment, after that I went home and passed out on the couch. Woke up around 4 PM when Erik came home, and then went back to sleep again, and finally woke up around 12 AM. Since then I've been spending my time in front of my computer. I woke up from a nightmare, screaming out into the cold air. I was lucky Erik wasn't home by then, or he would've wondered what the fuck was wrong with me. Got up, stumbled around in the dark for a while trying to stop my head from spinning, found my pills and just stuffed as many as I could into my mouth, trying to silence the voices screaming inside my head.

They worked, but not without an unpleasant side effect. I feel strange. I can't feel my heart beating, it is as if someone has wrapped it with cotton. My skin is cold, yet I feel a comforting warmth throughout my entire body. My vision is limited, when I watch my screen I can't see anything else but the bright light coming from it, both causing pain and sensation inside my head. I'm wearing my headphones, listening to The All American Rejects... I think... but the sound is distant, and I'm sure it's not the headphones that are broken. It's strange... 'cause I know I'm hearing things that aren't there. There's no one sitting in the kitchen, saying those things. I'm alone. I know I'm alone.... or am I? Maybe they're hidden, under the bed, in the cupboards, in the shower.... hidden, just waiting for me to pass out from exhaustion, and then attacking me when I can't defend myself. I'm afraid...

The chemicals inside my brain have opened up the door, once again letting thoughts spill out like armies marching to their doom. Everything's spinning, my whole world has become stuck in a whirlwind, a downward spiral. Fragments of thoughts spiraling through my mind, each one like a beautiful painting, containing everything from her smile to the chaos that's inside. Her existence is a comfort in this reality of mine. I know I'm doing it again, letting my feelings run wild, and once again I know I'm gonna hurt when those walls I'm building around my heart collapses once again from the weight my mind puts on top of them. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it.

I found a doll. Not one of those dolls someone neglected and threw away in a dark corner, but a doll someone has loved and cherished. They have given her beautiful clothes, painted her skin with the most beautiful pale shade, and made her eyes out of stars and filled them with galaxies. They made her smile out of the most beautiful diamonds the world had ever seen, and inside her head, they put a childs mind, and enchanted it with all the wisdom she could ever need. Inside her ribcage, they put a heart made of pure gold, shining and glimmering like the stars above her on a cold winter night. She calls me beautiful, and I know it's a lie. But it's the best lie I've ever heard. I want to make that doll mine. So bad... I would name her starshine, 'cause her beauty is so blinding. You'll see - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SvmyUq6R6w

After all, it's all star shine. It's forgotten lines and tired memories. Sad eyes lingering a moment too long. We are forever-spinning, natural disasters. Everyday is the rest of your life slowly fading into a photograph. We can look back on it and... It's all star shine. It's names on a list & coins in your pocket. Bright as the sun. Certain to explode. We are forever-falling, heart attacks. Every second that passes looks back on days that were once possibilities. We hold our breath and... It's all star shine. It's cowering under covers. Hiding from a secret you kept for yourself. We are forever-blinking, star shine. Every dream, light-years dead.

Lovers embrace with a wish and...

Loaded like a freight train

10.10 AM, Småland, Sweden

Dear diary. (see, no " " ' s this time!)

I'm having the Hangover from Hell, but I guess that's a kind of confirmation that I had a good time yesterday. I went to Jönköping to party with the band, and our new drummer, and we had a great time, to say the least... We sat down outside our old rehearsal space until the club opened and got hammered, terrorizing people passing by. There was no need for words - me and Johan looked at each other, and then on that long haired, crazy fucker who's now our drummer, and we both agreed that he's the missing piece we've been looking for. He's just as mentally damaged as we are, shares the same taste in music, and has the same vision for the band. We've already discussed about starting to book gigs, starting from september, all depending on how fast we can put our demo together. Since all 5 of us has a lot of contacts in the "glam universe" it won't be hard finding places to play at, and since I've nearly promised Ronja to come and play in Falun, that's gonna be one of the places.

I ended up at my parents home last night, when the club closed neither Johan or anyone else from the band was to be found, so I tried to find a bus back home, but couldn't, and had my father pick me up in Jönköping instead, so now I'm spending the day out here.

Gonna go drink a bathtub of water now... I'll write in you soon again, diary.

No pity on the ants

02.50 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Diary - ladies and gentlemen - we've got ourselves a drummer.

That's right, me and basstard went to Jönköping today to meet up with Makkey, a drummer we met a couple of weeks ago. We sat down and had a coffee, discussed music, and soon it became very clear that we share the exact same vision, we're on the same level in pretty much everything. He has the same dreams - to make it big, to make music that reaches out to people, and to enjoy the rock n' roll dream in full scale, with all it's benefits, ups and downs. So tomorrow I'm gonna make some calls and get us a rehearsal space in Jönköping, and next weekend (hopefully) we'll be having our first reh together, and to make things simple, we'll start off with covering a Kiss song - Strutter.

I can't really tell you how excited I am about this right now - it's part of my dreams becoming real, and even though this is just the beginning - after all he's not our official drummer yet - I'm psyched about all the stuff that's gonna happen. We can finally start writing real songs, and if everything goes as planned, we'll be having our record out by the end of the summer. We even discussed what I and Johan have talked loosely about before - that if we make it in Sweden, we'll pack our shit and set of to the land of the free - U.S., to Hollywood, and to fulfill our dreams. And he didn't seem frightened by that idea, instead he was as psyched about it as we were. And that's just what we need - our own T-Bone.

Except that, things have been kinda' calm as of lately. I spent most of the time at my parents house working on some stuff, painting, working on the farm and so on... it really is the only thing that can prevent me from freaking out there. The isolation of being so far out in the open country is usually enogh to set off some panic attacks, but this time was different. But as I'm back in Falköping again, sitting here in the dark, things are changed. As soon as Erik closes the door to his bedroom and I'm alone, the demons wake up from their slumber, and start tripping around in the dark corners in my mind, their claws scratching against the surface of my thoughts. They start whispering, at first so quiet that I can barely hear it, but as time passes, their voices become louder, and the things they say... are too dreadful to be written in words.

Still to this day I have not found anything that completely shuts them out, and leaves me in silence. A lot of things can relieve the pain - among them alcohol and drugs - but I haven't found anything that cantruly make them go away. But my eyes are open, constantly searching for the piece that's missing in my puzzle, and I can't count the times I thought I'd found her, but was wrong as she ripped out my heart and threw it on the ground. But there's someone... someone that makes my heart pound so fast that it could burst out of my chest at any time. She's beautiful, smart, funny, and has this certain sense of self-control about her that makes me wild. And of course... as always for me... she's off-limits. You always go after the things you can't get, right? Damn right.

So for now, I consider music my girlfriend. She never disappoints me, she's always there, ready to comfort my mind and help me through hard times. If I could only convert music into flesh and bone... I'd convert Mötley's "Looks That Kill" and G n' R's "Rocket Queen". What a woman that would have been.

Enough of my shit-chat, I gotta try and get some sleep. I'm outta pills so that's not gonna work out... I'll settle for a cup of coffee and a cigarette instead...

Later

You know I'm a dreamer

20.00 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Just spent the afternoon with basstard, he went out here and we had some coffee and some cigarettes, talked about music and inspected the house I've just become the owner of. It's a rat's nest right now, but with some effort put into it, I'm certain I can turn it into my own private mansion. It's gonna be great, a place to hang out, party, create music and just relax. Exactly what I need.

So tomorrow we're gonna meet Makkey, the drummer from Black Heart, grab a coffee and discuss whether he wants to start playing with us or not. I hope he's as eager as we are to start playing and change rock history together. I'll tell y'all later how it went.

Gonna go and get some painting done now, later people!

Deliver us

03.00 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Yet another worthless day. Slept most of the day, woke up around 5 PM when Erik came home with some friends. Got up, had a cigarette and spent the last of the evening in front of my computer or the TV, feeling just... disconnected. Non-committed, tired, worn out. A slight headache has been tormenting my head all day, and it doesn't seem to go away either. I guess I'm gonna have to try and get some sleep and see if it passes.

Tomorrow I'll be going home to Småland to visit my parents. Got and idea of making my grandmothers old house into a rehearsal space and studio combined, and have been planning it the last few hours. She lives in a nursery home right now, and won't be coming back to the house, so instead of letting it decay I'm turning into a creative space. I think it's gonna be great, and I'm looking forward into transforming it. I have this vision of the house turning into a modern version of the Mötley house the Crüe had back in the 80's, a place where people meet to get drunk, write music and experience so many cool things. Too bad it's situated far out in the woods, where most people won't bother to drive. Ah, at least the band's gonna have a great rehearsal studio. Talking of which, we're meeting this drummer who we met in a club at the Sister gig, he currently has no band and wanted to meet up and discuss about making some music together. He's really a kickass drummer, so with a bit of luck, we can get our Tommy. And then, my friends (and enemies), the ride is on. With a combined creative force, a shitload of attitude and a determination to reach the stars, we're gonna get rockin'. And it makes me feel so damn good.

So I should be off to bed now... I've been talking to the girl I met last weekend on MSN, she's just so funny, nice and attractive. Heard from Jessica that T had freaked out when she heard that I met her on Walpurgis Night, and messaged her all day asking about what happened. A bit anxious, perhaps? Maybe 'cause she's so much prettier than T will ever be, and much nicer, too. But I don't know, she's still one of T's best friends, and would probably never get interested in such a miserable fuck as myself. But we'll see. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Night ladies

Leaving hope

06.05 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Yeah, yeah... I know, I've neglected you again. No need to give me that "you-don't-care-about-me-talk". I've been busy, that's all. No affairs or anything, just busy. So let me give you a small update on the last few days, at least what I can remember about them...the alchol intake was massive, to say the least;

Thursday (April 30th, that is):

Went to Borås, met up with Jessica and her boyfriend. We chilled at her house for a while and I had a couple of drinks, then we took the bus downtown, catched another bus (which was packed with drunk teenagers, by the way) and went to Kypesjön, which is a lake and a popular bathing place. This particular day a whole shitload of teenagers, celebrating Walpurgis Night, was all over the place. I had a great time, partying with some of Jessica's friends, and among them there was this particular girl... I couldn't take my eyes off her for the whole evening, just so stunningly beautiful. As the evening proceeded, I found out from Jessica that this girl was one of "T"'s best friends, and that made things more complicated. To put things simple - she had hated me, of course, because of all the shit T had told her about me. So I instantly realized she was out of my reach. Also met Marlene for a short moment, felt awkward as usual... we really don't have much to say to each other any longer... It's the same old "I miss you." - "I don't miss you, move on." talk we've been through so many times. So I ended up sleeping at Jessicas boyfriends house just outside Borås, and spent the following morning and day in their company. Thanks, guys, you rock.

Friday:

First I intended to stay in Borås, but things got complicated, I freaked out, and had to go back home. And I know you're aching to hear the reason why... so what the hell - I found out T wasn't with her pretty boy in Varberg, as usual during the weekends, but back in Borås and she was throwing a party. Of course I wasn't invited, and maybe it's better that way. It would have ended upp in bloodshed if I had turned up. The worst part wasn't that she was having a party (which she by the way never had during our relationship) but that Johan, my faithful basstard, partner in crime and best friend, and his girlfriend was going to be there. And believe me, diary, if theres anything T wants, it is to steal my friends and make them into her allies so she can continue waging her sick fucking war against me. So, I left. I had no choice, as I felt the panic come creeping through my veins. So instead, I spent the night in Falköping, drinking my troubles away, spending time in the company of whoever I could find, just to escape from the loneliness. Thanks, bitch.

Saturday:

Woke up with an awful hangover, can't remember most of the day. In the evening Natalie came to town, we had decided to fight our mutual loneliness by keeping each other company through the night, which was a great idea. Erik and I invited some people over, we had a couple... I mean, a lot of drinks (oh...absinthe...the Devil...) and I ultimately fell asleep beside Natalie after an interesting and enjoyable form of... "exercise". Thanks for the company, we gotta do that again sometime soon.

Sunday:

Spent the whole day hungover and tired, a typical Hangover Sunday, far too common in my world... Followed Natalie to the train station, dropped her off and went home again. And here I sit, early morning, as usual. Not feeling good at all.

Once again the words fail me. I can't seem to find the proper words to explain what's currently going on in my mind, and it pisses me off so bad. I just want to bang my head into the nearest wall, forcing it to cooperate with my fingers and the letters. But to use simple words - I think too much. I worry too much about everything, thoughts are spinning around inside my head, too fast to even try and decipher or understand them. I know what I need, but I can't tell anyone. I know what I seek, but the map is unreadable to anyone but me.... ah, fuck, I can't continue. I'll get back to y'all when my mind is clear...

Night' ladies