Toast of the town

4.27 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Deep Purple – Love Conquers All

Somewhere there's a place in your heart
Where the wounds never heal
Well you're not alone
That's just how I feel
Love conquers all
This one will last a lifetime
And if love conquers all
This one will last forever

Dear diary,

Once again, three new views from Kinna. If you're that curious, why don't you just talk to me? I won't bite. 

Not much is new. Two nights left until I move in, can't wait, life is so boring right now. Finally got an answer from my doctor, read through it real quick, but it was something about damages to my kidneys and blood counts that were way off, and that it could result in severe kidney failure if left untreated. Whatever. Got an appointment to do some more testing next week, but I think I'll just skip it.

I'm starting to get the feeling that somehow I've been set free from a prison I've been in for the last three years. I couldn't see it at first, but now the feeling is getting stronger each day. A feeling of freedom, something I've nearly forgotten how it feels. No longer is my every action influenced by her, no longer is my imagination and creativity connected to how she makes me feel. She's been holding me back for so long, and now that I've got my first taste of the freedom I've been missing out on, I'll never go back. The pain she caused, and the atrocious lies she was telling has made it easy to erase her completely from my past. I'll never get those years back again, and I'll never have someone to share them with again, but I can live with that, because it means I'll never have to deal with such a fucked up individual again. She always told me that my actions made it easier for her to forget me, and now her actions have made it easier than ever to erase her existence from my world. And she always said that I was unable to change, that I could never love with this disease inside my head, but it turns out the reason I couldn't was her. You can't love someone who doesn't believe in your love, and maybe she really wasn't worth the trouble of finding the passion again anyway. Besides, there's a new face in my mind keeping me busy with it's beauty. Can't wait to see her.

Until next time.

 

Maybe I'm just blind

1.36 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Guns N' Roses – You Ain't The First

"Time can pass slowly,
things always change
Your day's been numbered
And I've read your last page
You was just a temporary lover
Honey you ain't the first
Lots of others came before you woman
Said but you been the worst
Said you been the worst"

Dear diary,

First thing's first. I know you're reading. A bit harder to let go than you expected is it? Four views from Kinna, from an Iphone... hmm... who could it be... 
Seriously though, my offer still stands. Some coffee and some chit-chat, and this could be over for good. Your cowardice is remarkable.

You'll have to excuse my absence. I've been ill. Terribly ill. Someone tried to drag me down, and damn near succeeded in doing so. Yeah, you know who, and you know what. I was ready to let it all go, but took one last chance and fled the scene. Been in Borås for a couple of days together with some old friends of mine. It has been good, mostly. I haven't been sleeping alone, which is when I'm most vulnerable to attack from my vicious head. But now I'm back home in the woods again for the last time around before I move into my new apartment in Borås. Six more nights, then I won't have to sleep alone again, hopefully for a long time ahead. Should be nice, looking forward to decorating the place, now when we have a lot of space to fill out. Also having a party at New Year's Eve, combined housewarming and celebrating New Year's Eve, looking forward to it.

But most of all, I'm excited about seeing a certain person who keeps my mind busy just enough to keep her out of it. Didn't expect that, did you?

You took me by surprise, I have to admit. But really? You think you can handle it? Handle her? I'm ready to bet against it. I can sense that you've changed, but as long as I'm here, you won't get away with anything funny. So don't try. 

Watch me.

Eye for an eye

7.30 PM, In Hell

Today's soundtrack;

cuntcuntcuntcuntcunt

Dear diary,

So there we have it. She has a new guy, confirmed. It took her 45 days to forget all about me, or maybe she did right from the start. Now it doesn't matter anymore, I can as well become that psycho she tells me I really am. She has ruined my life, now it's time to ruin hers. And she deserves every last bit of it. Bitch.

Lay your hands on me

2.17 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Sleeping With Sirens – Scene Three - Stomach Tied In Knots

"See the problem isn’t you, it’s me I know
I can tell, I’ve seen it time after time
And I’ll push you away
I get so afraid

And I can't live without you now
I can't even live with myself "

Dear diary,

Too fucked up to write anything of importance. What difference does it make anyway... Did some moving today, so I'm sitting here by candlelight in an empty apartment. This time the walls aren't draped in memories like my past homes... the one in Vaggeryd was a black hole of pain and anguish, and the one in Borås had it's share of good memories, but also cold, black ones full of hate, fear and pain. I guess something really is dead inside. But yeah... this is it. Really moving away tomorrow, just hand in the keys and I'm gone for two weeks until it's time to move in on the 30th of November.

I guess my test results might show up this week. I'm gonna call them tomorrow and see if it's done already. Still a lot of blood coming out of places it shouldn't... also haven't been able to eat anything since yesterday, just some water. Feels like my body is shutting down on me, getting ready for it's destiny. I won't blame it. Time for a late night rendevous with some of my best friends... Mr. Benzodiazepine and Mrs.Flunitrazepam. Quite charming, really... 

Stranded

2.00 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Great White – Save Your Love

And here in my heart,
where no one else will ever be
I know who you are,
so lock the door
and throw away the key

Dear diary,

Not much to say about today, really. Had nightmares the whole night, constantly drifting in and out of sleep, so have been walking around in a coma all day long. Can't remember the last time I had a full night's sleep. Probably the last time she slept by my side. She's the only one who could make it all stop. Well, not all of it... but enough to let sleep embrace me for a whole night. I really don't know what to write here, my mind is not with me tonight. Feels like my head is padded with cotton, and I have trouble with my sight, but I think that's just the side effects from the meds. Not sure what it is, and I don't really want to know. I trust the guy, it is what it is.

Still waiting for the results to come back. Did the mistake of telling someone else about my personal hell, partly because she asked about it, and partly because I still am dumb enough to think someone else would understand. I know I'm gonna disappoint her too, just like everyone else. They all say the same things, but they don't know what it's like. They don't know I'm trapped, that I can't do anything about it. But they keep on telling me those things...

I wonder if he's smarter than me. Or better in bed. Probably both.

Probably? For sure, dickhead. It ain't hard being better than you, we both know that. So yeah, naturally, he's better in all the ways you could never be. Hurts, doesn't it? It's supposed to, you need to know your place in the gutter. Don't ever forget about it.

I still have that stupid photo of her that she gave me for Christmas. She told me to burn it, I think I might just do that. Not much to look at anyway...
Gonna go find me something for the chest pain, it won't go away. I hope my heart stops in my sleep, that way I won't even notice. Just go peacefully. I've nothing left to live for anyway.

Poison hearts will never change

10.46 PM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

AFI – The Leaving Song

"Poison hearts will never change."

Dear diary,

Been busy moving all day today. Really tired right now, so I'm gonna try to get some sleep soon. It's been rough keeping a straight face in front of everyone when my intestines feel like they're burning up from inside. Thank god for strong painkillers, maybe not such a bright idea when I already know they'll only make it worse, but hey... what does it matter now anyway. Just gonna wait for my test results, and see how long I've got. Could at least give it a try to make the best of it.

Pretty sure she has a new guy now. Nice. Gives me just another reason. See y'all in hell.

Secret

11.08, In the middle of nowhere, Sweden

 Today's soundtrack;

Stone Sour – Gone Sovereign

Dear diary,

I really don't know what to say anymore. It seems as if me writing in you makes it worse, people reading this diary and making up their own versions of the truth. Fuck 'em. I'm tired of it all... but mostly, I'm still scared. Took the courage to actually go to my doctor's appointment today. Don't know why I booked it, cause' if I tell them the truth, they'll lock me up. So I lied to them today. I told them about the pain in my stomach, told them about the blood in the urine, told them about the lack of appetite the last month, told them about the dizziness... but I didn't tell thgem of the nice lil' cocktail of pills I swallow every night to make the pain go away. I knew what he was gonna say anyway, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what is going on. He sent me to take some tests, and I'm waiting for the results. I know what they'll say, I'm only interested in how bad it is. The pills have fucked up my kidneys, they can't stand the constant abuse. I've read the symptoms a hundred times already, it all fits in. Maybe they've stopped working, and they'll have to replace them. 

Fuck that, I'd rather die a slow death than have someone elses organs inside my body. Besides, he said that the waiting list was a couple of years, that they had trouble finding suitable donors... and since my blood group is so unusual, it's even worse. My head is spinning, I just can't take it in. And amidst all this, she decides to write about me again, telling everyone she's gonna be so happy without me. Like I needed her to rub it in my face. So hostile, so different. We used to be so close, you know? And now... nothing. When I need someone the most, no one's there. Alone. Always alone.

Pull the trigger

3.49 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Slipknot – Snuff

So break yourself against my stones  
And spit your pity in my soul  
You never needed any help  
You sold me out to save yourself

Dear diary,

I can't control myself right now, this is spinning out of control. I'm scared. All day long, and I haven't been able to draw a single breath without it feeling like someone shoved a knife into my chest. I don't know what's wrong, but something's wrong. Maybe my heart has finally collapsed under the heavy stress. I googled "chest pain" all day long, freaking out over all the severe conditions related to it, nearly all of them fatal if left unattended... what if I go in my sleep? I won't have time to write or call anyone, so maybe I should write a note, just in case... I can't even remember swallowing all those pills, and I don't know what it was. It doesn't say on any of the bottles. I can't go to the hospital, they'll lock me up and I'll go even more insane in there. Out here at least I can run from what haunts me, even though I won't get far... What I'm running from is inside of me, and I'll always carry it with me no longer how far I try to run. There's no escape, I've known that for so long. Accepting my fate is not as hard as it used to be, I know now that I'm heading towards the end. That's what all the books about my illnes says, that it drastically shortens the life of the patient, and that suicide is very common when left untreated. No treatment has ever worked for me. It's in too deep, it has become such a big part of me that it won't die without taking me with it. Whatever it takes to make it stop. 

I've no pills left tonight, only a bottle of Theralen. Gotta get some new ones tomorrow, really don't have the cash but I can't go without, it's a hell I don't wish upon even my worst enemy... I've found that no matter how hard I try to sedate myself, the nightmares won't go away. Somehow they push through the thick veil of chemicals, and come out the other side even more twisted and dark. And they're always the same. Scenarios of me being left alone, people leaving, people happy with someone else, and always her. Her face. Her voice. Smiling, happy with some other guy whom I can never compete with. I try to scream, but my voice won't go through, as if a thick wall of glass separates us. I reach out my hands, desperately wanting to touch her, hold her, but her back is turned and she walks away, out of my reach. That's when I wake up to find that my whole body is numbed by the pills, I can't move a muscle, and I lie there for the next couple of hours, unable to get up, and constantly drifting in and out of a weary sleep. 

You've brought this upon yourself, boy. Don't try to get someone to pity you, 'cause you ain't worth it. You really think she's reading this? Get real. She. Doesn't. Care. You're not in her thoughts, even though she's constantly in yours. She has new people to care about, people who give something back, something you can never do.

I hear ya. But somewhere deep inside, there's still some hope left that you haven't been able to find. I got the apartment. I'm moving there. Maybe we'll meet then and realize all of this has just been a bad dream. Or maybe not... I'd be happy just getting to hold her in my arms again, if just for one night. To forget about all that has happened, and just be us two together for a little while, and take that small piece left inside of us of the love we once shared and let it become real again, just for a little while. 

You're dreaming again. Pathetic wishes, like I told ya - get real. It only hurts worse when you realize nothing of that will never come true. Sure, you're moving there... but it ain't gonna help ya when she wants nothing to do with you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner we can end this show. And there's not gonna be a curtain call for you.

You're right. Curtains down, here we go... 

Heartbeat

1.48 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Kid Down – Heartbeat

Dear diary,

I can't take it anymore. This chaos has got the best of me, hell, it has got all of me... I'm feeling it right now, the panic, the anguish, the pain. It drives me more insane than ever. I can't stand being rejected, being ignored, it burns a hole straight through my sanity, turning me into a monster. And nobody could ever love a monster. She blocked me on yet two more sites, and every time I find out, it starts welling up inside of me, a black cloud, poisoning my thoughts. I can't stand being ignored, can't stand being rejected and treated like fuckin' trash. Can't stand the loneliness eating away at my soul. Can't stand the thought of everyone else getting to have everything I want, the envy is choking me to death. I can't live like this. I can't. There's a quote that goes;

"Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. "

And it's so true, cause' most of it has sucked, and it's only getting worse. Nothing's gonna get better in the end, so I'm leaving this cinema now. This time I'm taking the whole bottle. See you all in Disneyland.

Jaded

4.02 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Guns N' Roses – Estranged

When you took everything
Said you took everything from me

Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now

Dear diary,

Well, that would be me, wouldn't it? Maybe not, but for now, I'm the narrator in this twisted tale. Yours truly is too fucked up to write anything tonight, so I'll be the good samaritan. He got himself burned again, found photos of that girl Emmelie he banged for almost a year. She has a new boyfriend, and it was too much for him, and he broke down. Weak son of a bitch. And as usual, he tries to take me with him in the fall, but by now, the chemicals only make me slightly more mad than usual. I'm immune to that stuff, which makes it so much more fun to torment him in his helpless state. I'm gonna see what sick dreams I can pull out tonight. It's gonna be fun watching him suffer, knowing that yet another girl has slipped out of his hands, into the hands of someone better. Another loss. Another defeat. As if he ever could win, nothing he does makes any difference, it only pushes people further away. And all that remains is the vast loneliness. Lucky thing he still has me...

Now get lost. It's gonna be a long night...

Solitude

11.55 PM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

 Hardcore Superstar – Standin' On The Verge

Yeah, I need someone
Need another soul
Restless, hopeful and a heart of gold

 Dear diary,

Been a busy weekend, so I haven't had any time to write in you. My drummer and my guitarist have been here all weekend, in their company I can't be the same person I am when I'm talking to you. No one would want to spend their time with someone like that, so instead I try to laugh it all away. But I really enjoy being with those guys, we feel solidified as a band already, each of us just weird enough to make it all work out. Went to a Halloween party last night, had a great time even though I had to sleep alone again, had kinda hoped for a special girl to join me. Well, whatever, I'm moving soon so that was her last chance. Let's move on, shall we?

I've spent the evening packing since I'm moving out on Saturday, so everything has to be put in boxes. I have a weird feeling inside. Every time I have moved it has been for the sole reason of survival, for the sake of moving on and not getting stuck in the same place - a thing that I'm still terrified of. To get stuck, to not be able to get out. To paint yourself into a corner. I always need an exit, or more than one if possible. My exit right now is to move back to the same place that has caused me so much pain in the past, but somehow I don't feel the same way about it anymore. It feels like a relief to get out of this place, and it's not associated with too much heavy feelings or anguish. Feels like a new beginning, but we'll see. Might just be another trap.

 Had a coffee with Cecilia last Friday, was a bit nervous about it since it was the first time I met her while being completely sober. I know, I know, it's pathetic to have known a person for about a year without having met her sober... but it was really nice. We've had our arguments and differences, but now it seems like we can finally accept that we are so different, and instead focus on being friends. I need more friends, for sure. The solitude I often long for is only enjoyable if I choose it myself, not when it's forced on me when I need it the least. But I'm hoping that's gonna change in the near future as well, I know at least one person in Borås who doesn't mind keeping me company through the nights. 

Well, I should get back to packing... or trying to sleep, or whatever... Still can't get my thoughts of Z out of my mind. But the demons have been kinda quiet, I guess I'm on my way to a new manic period... Let's just hope it lasts. Later.  

P.S 

Forgot to mention that we got the apartment we applied for. Fuck yeah.  

Sing me back home

02.02 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
 
Alter Bridge – Watch Over You


Snow is on the ground
Winters come
You long to hear my voice
But I'm long gone 

Dear diary,

Pardon my absence, I've been keeping busy down at the farm, which is not the right place to write in you. Physical work makes me tired enough to fall asleep early, and though it doesn't stop the nightmares, it gives me more sleep than usual. Not much is new, except that I'm getting out of my apartment on the 15th on November, great news. That means I'll be getting a portion of my rent back, sorely needed right now since I'm already selling everything I have of value to pay all the bills. Can't keep this up forever, sooner or later the bills are gonna stack up and I'll be back in debt for another three years. So sick of this, just give me a job...

Also having trouble finding an apartment in Borås, time is not on our side right now, but I'm determined on moving in on the 1st of December, whatever it takes. I've stopped hoping that she would actually see me then, a month from now is a long time, and she has probably found someone else by then, if she hasn't already now. I don't even know why I want to see her again, we both know we can never be together, but it's just one of those situations where you gravitate towards another person without being able to avoid it. There's new people in my life as well, and maybe I won't be single then myself, not that it would stop her from seeing me since she has no feelings left, and hasn't been having any for a long time as well...

I'm restless tonight, as every night. There's nothing or no one here to keep my mind busy, so it takes control by itself... and we all know what that means...

Damn right we do... I'm coming for you.