Headfirst for halos

02.00 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary

I've noticed I've managed to get in bed fairly early the last few days, or, early for me that is... Nothing of any importance has happened today, just been lying around half-asleep, tired of pretty much everything and feeling non-committed to everything. Decided this evening that I'll be going to Borås tomorrow to meet some friends and maybe party later in the evening. Haven't decided yet what to do, but it'll reveal itself in time. I'm gonna keep this short today, I think... My mind feels... muted. Disconnected.

Oh yeah... if you read this and want to see me and maybe grab a coffee or something in Borås, you're gonna have to call or message me - my number's 0739070960.

Night people.

Please don't touch

00.35 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary"

Just got home from watching a movie with a girl I met in a club a few weeks ago. We watched the new Fast & Furious movie, it was great and I had a good time. She's real nice, but not really my type, and I get the feeling she's after something more than just a relationship... and that ain't gonna happen, of course...

So finally I've made some progress in the search for an apartment in Borås, I got a letter from my unemployment fund that said I had right to compensation from them. Finally! Fuck... I sent the first letter to them in december 2008, and now, 5 months later I'm finally seeing some results. So I've applied for some apartments in Borås today, and I'm hoping to get a quick reply.

Except for that, nothing much to report. I still feel all torn apart from all the nightmares and constant panic attacks I'm having. And... still feeling lonely, ladies! A little help would be appreciated.

My bed is seriously mad at me for not being in it, so I'd better try and get some sleep. Night.

My curse

08.00 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Had another one of those sleepless nights that have become far too common the last few months. Even though I feel more alive and creative during the night, it's also the time when I'm most prone to freak out. Somehow it seems that the voices and creatures inside my head enjoy the dark as much as I do. Yeah, you're right, the panic attacks have returned, in full force this time. I've lost myself again, and I'm falling, falling, falling down this downward spiral into the abyss beyond.

I've lost grip of everything that held me alive and on course, the sights have no view of the target anymore. I hate to self-diagnose, but this time around, it's the absency of the comfort of having someone close, someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. Once again I am stretching out my hands, hoping for someone to grab them and pull me out from this dark cloud that once again surrounds me, choking me, blinding me and ripping me apart from inside. As desperate as I am, I take every little chance, every offer - which kinda makes me a lil' slut, but for the sake of company through the night, I am willing to go that far.

Confusion has struck me hard this time, and I can't seem to find my way into anything constructive. Music, art, poetry - whatever quest I embark upon, I can't seem to sort things out and force my mind into thinking straight. Everything is so polluted by this fucked up anguish, like a weight attached to my heart. And no matter how loud my screams are, no one seems to hear them. Perhaps nobody wants to touch a broken soul, too afraid to get infected with the same dark sickness. Maybe I'll just hang a sign around my neck that says "broken - fix me, get rewarded" and see if that attracts some nice girls. Either way - if I don't get help soon, I'll collapse under this heavy burden, and I fear that this time, I won't be crawling out from underneath all the rubble. But maybe that is for the best, since I'm not contributing much to this world in any way. I'm just barely breathing, taking up space, a waste of breath and a waste of life. How ironic. Boo-hoo-hoo.

Gonna try and get some sleep, and fight the nightmares...

"Night."

I'd like to see you in the morning light
I like to feel you when it comes to night
Now I'm here and I'm all alone
Still I know how it feels, I'm alone again

Tried so hard to make you see
But I couldn't find the words
Now the tears, they fall like rain
I'm alone again without you
Alone again without you
Alone again without you

I said stay, but you turned away
Tried to say that it was me
Now I'm here and I've lost my way
Still I know how it feels, I'm alone again

Tried so hard to make you see
But I couldn't find the words
Now the tears, they fall like rain
I'm alone again without you

Dokken - Alone Again

Because I want you

02.30 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

The weekend's been great. Yesterday I went to Jönköping to watch a gig with Sister, and party with them afterwards. I met up with my faitful bass player Johan at the station, and we went to buy some alcohol. We sat down by the shore and got drunk while we waited for the club to open. Johannes, my guitarist, also came by a little later and joined us. Felt good to meet "the band" again, we've had so much fun together and this was no exception. As the alcohol started taking effect, we went on to hide the booze in a trash can so we could get it after the show and continue drinking. I can't remember too much from that moment on, but this is kinda' what happened;

1. went into the club, had another drink.

2. complained about the shitty music to the DJ.

3. complained about all the brats who were there.

4. had another drink.

5. spotted some pretty ladies.

6. saw Jamie and the rest of the band.

7. greeted him and buyed him a beer.

8. waited for Sister to start playing.

9. had another Bloody Mary.

10. watched Sister play. Rocked hard.

11. watched Sister go offstage. Found Jamie.

12. suffered from hearing loss.

13. tried to find our guitarist who had disappeared without a trace.

14. discovered he had been thrown out 'cause he was too drunk.

15. got harassed by a shitload of girls who thought I was Sister's guitarist.

16. took advantage of the situation and had a nice time with one of them in the alley behind the bar

17. went inside, found Jamie, found the basstard

18. went out to the alley again, shared a few lines of speed with Jamie and Johan

19. went inside again, enjoying the good company

20. club closed, went outside.

21. found the band. fetched the alcohol.

22. partied with the band in their van

23. found another party

24. followed the band to the party

25. had some more drinks, sang with Jamie

26. passed out around 6.30 in the morning

27. woke up around 8.30. Headache. Went home.

That's all I can remember, I'm sure a lot more fucked up things happened, as they always seem to do in the company of that band... So as I said, I went back home again, and fell asleep as soon as I got there. I've spent the whole day in bed, feeling hungover, and I'm still not feeling too well... guess I did a little too much speed yesterday. So I'm spending the night watching Sopranos and listening to music... alone... as always.

I feel so fucking lonely. I need someone to share my days with, someone who understands me... and can keep me company through all those lonely nights. Just to be able to sleep without all the nightmares, it would be so great... But no one seems to be interested any longer, I guess I'm getting more and more translucent. Soon they won't see me at all.

I need someone to love.

On with the show

07.45 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

I've been awake since 4 PM yesterday, and to be honest with ya, I don't feel tired at all. Maybe 'cause I "cheated" a bit and had a little bump... but not too much. Gotta save some for the weekend...
So I'm sitting here, half-naked, listening to the Crüe and feeling pretty damn well. Gonna get a visit from and old classmate of mine, Niklas. We haven't seen each other since we graduated so it's gonna be interesting, he's also a great drummer so I'm hoping to convince him into start playing with us and form something. We'll see.

So how have I been feeling lately? Pretty good, thank you. Except from some nightmares and the usual thoughts of that little bitch (you should know who I'm talking about by now) things have been calm. I'm starting to look forward to things again. This weekend's gonna be awesome, on Friday I'll be going to Jönköping to watch a gig with Sister, a sleaze band I've known for a while. Without saying too much, they're by far the best band in their genre in Sweden today, and everywhere they go, they kick ass and raise hell, and this gig ain't gonna be different. I'm gonna love being around some rockstars again... I feel so alive in their company, with them sharing (and living) the same dream as me. We'll drink, fight and fuck our way through the night, that's for sure!

You should check out their myspace and help yourself to some rockin' tunes; www.myspace.com/sisteronline.

And the weekend after the next, on 1st of May, I'll be in Jönköping to watch them again, and the same story will repeat itself... if I'm still alive by then, that is... Ah, gotta love this way of life... It's everything I need. Live fast, die young, and leave a pretty lookin' corpse!

Gonna get a shower now and get myself dressed... and maybe have another bump... or two...

Take care, everybody.

Echoes of a resonance cascade

05.20 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear dia... no, dear everyone, this time."

Because this is important. You'll need to listen up. Open your ears, people. As the night slowly progressed further, as the minutes and seconds passed, I've slowly begun to realize something. Something important, I have felt it inside me for so long, it has been lying deep down in my mind, slumbering, waiting for the moment to emerge from the depths and break the surface. This is not your normal bright idea, this is an intervention of some kind. First of all - listen, watch, and feel;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkzCi5mHvkc&fmt=18

Did you feel it? Could you feel your heart pounding, your blood pumping through every vein in your body, your mind taking in the sensations, processing them? I cannot put into words the feeling that particular piece of music gives me, but I know now that something has opened up inside me. I think... no, I know... it's my soul, wanting to break out of its prison, wanting to break the chains and be set free into the world. This is my message to you.

We need to wake up from this dream we're dreaming, this nightmare that surrounds us. We must open our eyes, stand up and realize what we are, and what we are doing to this planet we call our home. This is our world, and as humans we are responsible for it's fate. Everything that exists has a purpose, down to every last atom, everything has a purpose. We live short lives, and yet we leave so many tracks on the surface of the earth while we're alive. No one wants to take responsibility for everything bad in this world, no one wants to see this world fall prey to our hunger for profit, our senseless ways of destroying this gift we have been given by nature, and the blessing that lies inside our minds; the ability to expand our minds constantly, and evolve into the future.

We're here to help guard this place, not destroy it for fuck's sake! Everything we do makes a difference, every bit of your daily life has a consequence, whether you want it to or not. Perhaps man was never meant to rule this world for a long time, because the end for humanity is drawing closer for each passing second. And just as there are many things that are destructive in humanity, there are also as many things that are creative. Our minds are the best weapons we will ever have - with them we can create so many things, the boundaries are infinite. Instead of using our minds to find new ways to kill each other - use them to create something, build something beautiful. Find new ways to show humanity that all hope isn't gone, that there is still something inside us that can make earth a better place for everyone. Give it all you've got, people, 'cause this is our last chance. Time grows shorter every day.

Start today. When you wake up from sleep, open your eyes and try to see the world differently. Make your mind break out of the box society has put it in, allow it to think, discover, explore, create. Find new ways to communicate with others, read a book, draw a painting, go out and tell a stranger that you've set yourself free, scream, shout and show the world that we're still here; we're still fighting to make a difference.

Where society builds walls, we shall break them down. Where evil exists, we shall suppress it and make it suffocate. Where humanity is fighting to survive, we shall take it into our arms and help it grow. Where creativity exists, we shall exist with it as one - as humans.

Do your part today. Start this movement, and piece by piece, the world shall slowly turn into a better place for us all. Don't know where to start? I'll help you, just ask me. This is Lifestream, and it begins with you, yourself, and nobody else.

Explore. Dream. Discover.

One more sad song

04.00 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

So the weekend has been mostly acceptable. Got drunk, as planned, went out with some friends, won a lot of cash, spent it all on alcohol, found a girl, danced with her all night, went home, fell asleep, woke up, felt the hangover come rushing and that's pretty much it. Now, I'm sitting here in the dark, listening to The All-American Rejects, and one particular song has been on repeat for the last three hours. "It Ends Tonight", another one of thos emo-ish songs that seem to get easily stuck on my mind. The lyrics are so intense;

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, it ends tonight

And once again, it feels like I'm living the music. I've been spending the night writing some poetry, in Swedish this time around, so I won't post it here. But if you feel like you really need to read it, I posted it on my account at www.bilddagboken.se, my profile name is "iNTENSITY". So as I said, the night has been creative. I've done a lot of thinking, as always during these lonely nights, and even though my mind is bursting from the constant stream of thoughts running through, I feel like I'm in more control now than I've been able to feel the last few weeks. I know that state of mind doesn't stay long, so I'm trying to make the best out of it. I've got no plans for the weekend right now, I'll just try and find something to do while waiting for a response from my unemplyoment fund, which should arrive this week. So with nothing else to report, I wish you a good night. You'll hear from me soon again.

Message in blood

06.05 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Sun's coming up, and it's time to get some sleep. Been up all night talking to this girl. She's still somewhat of a mystery to me, but it seems I've found myself a rocket queen. But then again, she lives too far away, so maybe I'm just doing some wishful thinking. Anyway... I'll be meeting Nora today, it's gonna be great. If the weather is right, we'll be spending the day outside in the sun with some friends, drinking and having a good time, and then we'll see where the day ends.

That's all for today, night everyone.

------------------------------------

13.45 PM

Just woke up, had a message from Nora that she couldn't come today. Too bad. Well... time to start drinking. I hope my heart stops tonight.

I'd give up forever

01.30 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary"

Nothing much to report. Plans for the weekend - get drunk, forget, forgive, and meet Nora on Saturday. Looking forward to it.

Night people

Pretty in your pain

02.00 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Considering the fucked up situation I find myself in…. the massive loss of a dream I have just experienced…. I figured the title to this was fucking perfect. This, is by far… not an immaculate piece of art. But it is, and it does, certainly hold therein its embrace, the way in which I feel right now for six thrice six reasons

I can come up with a few more than that. Of course I can, I'm your superior.

Again I say: lies are a motherfucker. To say the very least

Lies are good. Lying is the only way to survive in this unfriendly environment. You should start lying more. I can teach you to become a great liar...

Nothing, at all…is pretty about these words I am about to put down here. Melodically, dismembering…this unnatural, premature, eulogy is.Numbness settles inside like a newborn wisdom. It is only in the few, hairline cracks, in between the moment of acknowledgement and the nerve endings recognition, of the pain which it brings… that you come to realize - silence. Licking the blade, of this bastard sword… slowly, splitting the tongue in two. My writing, becomes dislocated

Stop your whining or I'll dislocate your mind. Worthless piece of shit. This ain't E.R.

My god, this feeling. Indescribable.

I'll help you - anger, pain, anguish, sorrow, grief, loneliness... any of these seem familiar?

A surgical procedure, without the primary factor of comfort : anesthesia.

Anesthesia's for pussies. Learn to take the pain as a man. And stop fucking crying, will ya!

First, the chest is cold and bare. Then, comes the scalpel, inserted without tact. With now, your sternum in all of its ivory glory… gleaming for the world to see - it begins to crack, disjoint… finally separate. The heart, lies exposed. Stillborn life. Deemed:

Inoperable.

Excuse me, doctor, but you're wrong. I'll show you how to make those incisions... right there, in the middle of the heart... good... now put that scalpel deep inside... there you go... there it flows... yeah

And still... nothing of this makes any sense to you. It's only me, only me and the voices inside my head, the claws scratching the very walls inside my head, until the blood overflows and I'm out cold again. This is happening, this very moment... I wish I could give you just a small glimpse of what it is like to wander through the depths of hell, where no light reaches and where everything is pain, pain, pain.

That's a lie. You're only dreaming. None of this is real. When you wake up, there won't be any of this. Demons don't exist, they're just a silly fairytale. Now, let me tell you a bedtime story...

I know I shouldn't. I know it's going to hurt me. It's going to hurt me bad. I shouldn't. I won't.

Come on... do it... you'll feel better... trust me...

I just did it. Fuck... I just did it again. I checked her profile. I read her messages. I thought about her. This is running out of control... wait... it already is. Is anyone listening? Do you hear me? Can you see through the cracked facade, through the layers of inpenetrable armor, can you hear him crying? I said can you hear him crying, bitch? That scared little boy, running from the devils that haunts his nightmares, taking shelter under his blanket, wishing the night would turn to day. Can you give him that day? Can you? Time is running out, dear, you'd better hurry. Pick him up. Carry him in your strong arms, embrace him as your own son and chase those nightmares far away. Be his shield. Protect him.

Stop your fucking whining, what are you, a child? You ain't foolin' me boy...oh no... I know what you are. Remember... I'm watching you from the inside. And you can't hide from me. So stop your fucking crying. Be a man. Or else I will do it for you.

Everything's spinning, and I can't stop it. It's like a downward spiral, a tornado, a twister constantly building up inside of me. It feeds on the anger, the hate, the anguish, all the fucked up things that I have inside, that are digesting me slowly from inside, pumping poison through my veins. It's a fucked up drama, an illusion that has become far too real, a pain that has become unbearable. The wounds are open again, crimson tears are falling while the screams are getting louder. I know I shouldn't. I know it's gonna hurt me. I know I'm going to want to die. I won't.

Oh, you know you want to. See that big, red button over there? Yeah, it's flashing. Push it. You'll feel better. Come on. Do it. Just do it. Everything's gonna be fine. She won't be in your thoughts anymore, just push it.

I just did it. I... fuck... I can't live this way, it's suffocating me... I'm not me. Not myself. You motherfucker... how fucking dare you show your ugly face again? Leave me alone... please, just leave me alone. You've hurt me enough already. Don't forget, it's your body too, you know. If I go down, you go down. If I stop breathing, you'll suffocate. If my blood turns cold, you'll freeze to death. And you can't have that. And so you keep on tormenting me...

Shut the fuck up, pussy. You put this on yourself, remember? You just couldn't keep away from the flame, could ya? And you got burned. Live with it, pretty boy. I won't stop until you stop.

I can't run away from this one, not this time, not ever... Someone, anyone, rescue me from this living hell. Take my hand. Drag me out of this black cloud. Hear my screams.

They can't hear you. I've locked all the exits, I've barred all the windows. You're trapped. Go on, scream, no one will hear you. You're mine. I'm not letting this one go. I'm starting to enjoy this... Go on now, be a good boy and swallow those pills I gave you... they'll make you feel better... so much better... just close your eyes, and let me tuck you in...


"For all I know
Death is the only promise we'll ever keep
But there is a way
She makes me bleed and go insane
There are glimpses of release

In her truth there is a place to hide
And there is time to be still
So let's pretend, we’ll always have tomorrow
In this embrace, we forget

These veins ensnared in hers
This skin to quench our thirst
And though I know nothing will ever last
We've found a way to burn, to be here

Under a sky made of their ignorance
There is a way to find
To be here – now"

Swallow me in the fire

01.15 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Oh, don't bother to try and hide it for me. You can feel it, can't you? You can see it in my eyes, feel it through my fingers, pressing the keys. It's pain, pure pain and eveything that comes with it. Anger. Anguish. Sorrow. Yeah, people, I did it again - I got hurt. So here's how it all began... as they say in all great stories...

Sunday, March 22 this year. I sit in front of my laptop, as always. The weekend had been great, I had met Nora and we had a good time. All of a sudden, I get this pop up from MSN telling me that someone wrote to me. I couldn't believe it when I saw that it was Tina, since she had decided to ignore me and never speak to me again just a week earlier. We continued speaking, and she told me she missed me. I asked her "Why, you already have a boyfriend?" and she tells me she just broke up with him. My thoughts were racing through my head, my whole body was shaking - I couldn't believe that she, everything I wanted, once again wanted a relationship with me. Over and over again, I asked her if she was telling me the truth, and she insisted on this. As we continued speaking about memories and such, we agreed to meeting each other again, and that I had to tell Nora that I couldn't have a relationship with her since Tina had decided to try and create something new with me. She took it really good, and within a week she was back with her old boyfriend again, I'm glad that went so well.

So, through the weeks, Tina and I continued speaking, and she told me she couldn't meet until the week after her holiday, because she should spend it in Gothenburg and Varberg with friends. It was right then I should have realized something wasn't right. Right after I told her that me and Nora were no longer about to get closer to each other, her interest started fading. I mean, if you tell someone you miss them, and that you want everything to wotk out with them, why don't you want to meet them as quick as possible? But I didn't care about that feeling right then, as I was too excited about everything. Time passed, and I heard nothing from her during her holiday. She said she had no money on her cellphone so she couldn't message me back, and I waited patiently. Last Saturday I checked her profile on bilddagboken to see when she was last online, and discovered a guestbook-post that she had replied to with a "<3". It came from her ex - the one she had left, because she said she wanted to be with me instead.

In that very moment, I realized I had been deceived once again. She was with him now, and they were together again. She didn't bother to tell me, she just blocked me from viewing her pictures, and as I called her in panic that night, her worthless son of a bitch of a boyfriend answered, telling me that Tina didn't want to talk to me. I freaked out, of course I did, and tried to get a hold of her all night. No answer. She left me out in the cold, and everything she had told me during these weeks were all lies. She never missed me, she never broke up with him - she just wanted to stop me from moving on. And believe me, she did a great job. It feels like my whole body is ready to burst into flames, I cannot put down the anger and hatred I feel inside into words. I do feel sadness, sadness that she wanted to hurt me that bad, that she actually took her time to make me believe her lies.

I have now lost all respect for that miserable little bitch, if I ever see her again I will not bother to fight against the urge to tear her apart with my bare hands. It will be worth ten years in prison just knowing that she is no longer breathing. The damage she has caused me can never be healed, the wounds are permanent, and I honestly wish that she will die a painful death, so that her fucked up head won't be hurting anyone any longer. She brought it upon herself, it's dangerous to mess with a person who's mind is so close to the edge of insanity. And yeah, Tina, if you read this - go fuck yourself, you fucking whore. You could at least have shown me the respect of telling me yourself, and not hide behind your pathetic little boy, but no - you're such a coward. Fucking failure.

And I won't allow myself to be stopped by this, it would make her feel good, and I would never wish her that. I'm moving on, her life is no longer bothering me, and I ain't gonna slow down. Things are moving faster now, and for the first time, I'm enjoying the speed. I'm alive and kickin', my mind is set, my road is clear. I'll rip apart any object that comes in my way, and I'll make my dreams come true. And no matter how far she goes, I will always be one step before her. And she'll deny it, but in the end, the truth is what weighs the most. Bitch.

Besides that obvious matter, things have been good. Got home yesterday from spending the weekend with my family, and next week I'm looking forward to getting the final answer from my unemployment fund. Also got a pleasant surprise, turns out I'm getting a tax refund of 8500 SKR, which is real nice. Festivals - here I come!

Also, things are starting to take form with Lifestream, people have joined, people are talking and everything is slowly beginning to evolve. You'll se more of that soon.

Until then, people.

One more day

01.00 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Today I'm going to try and explain a few things to you. You've already heard me going on and on about how much music means to me, but just to make sure that you, and all the poor souls reading this mess, really understands that music is my way of life, my language, I'll explain it again.

There isn't a single second in my life where there is total silence. Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I'll still be hearing music in some kind of form. Even without playing it in my MP3-player or blasting it through the speakers, it's still there inside my head, a tune that won't stop playing, and that is constantly changing to whatever song, tune or melody that touches me in that moment. When I hear a song that gives me goosebumps, I play it over and over again until I've absorbed every bit of what's going on. I play it until I burn it out. A great song hits me on so many levels. I hear it as a musician first, dissecting the chords and parts, analyzing the production, the effects, and how the final product was crafted. It's like a puzzle that I love working on and that I have to understand. After I've put all the pieces together - which might take forever - I hear it as a fan. And as a fan, I take in the song or album's full impact: the message the artist is trying to get across and the emotion involved.

Music at its most basic and its most complicated is simply just communication. It is communication on many levels, from the heart to the mind to the soul. I hear melody first - of course I do, I'm a singer. The melody locks me in first most of the time, then the bits of the song that reflect my life some way. If a song is truly amazing though, it doesn't have to have a message, feel, or vibe that has anything to do with my experience of this world. If the singer, the guitarist or the band as a whole bare their soul well enough in those three, four, five or six fucking minutes, they will reach me. If the lyricist and the musicians are really, honestly, laying it down, I can feel it. And that is what music is all about: telling stories, no matter what they are, that hit the listener in 3-D: mind, body and soul.

It's no joke when I tell people that music to me is the most important thing I can possibly think of, it has come to the point where I'm no longer the listener, I live it, through every tone, every beat, every riff, every scream - I feel it in my veins, in my heart and in my mind. And that makes me so lonely in a way, 'cause I can't seem to find anyone who can share this feeling with me, and relate to that huge fucking love that I have to the tunes that surround my life. Maybe one day I'll find him or her, whoever it may be.

So I'm home at my parents house right now, going to celebrate Easter tomorrow with family and friends, and then go back to Falköping on Saturday night and get drunk as fuck. Join me if you like!

Night ladies'

Don't want to live in a dream

07.20 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

I don't have anything to tell, really. So I'm just gonna sit here for a while and we'll see what comes out of it. If anything at all.

As always, it's early in the morning, and I'm starting to get tired again. My diurnal rhythm is so fucked up, I sleep on so irregular times that I've lost all sense of day and nighttime. But the night has always felt good for me, even as a baby I didn't want to sleep at night, and it has went on since then. Anyway... I have no plans for today, talked to Natalie, a girlfriend of mine, about meeting today, just hang out and watch some movies or something, and she's maybe gonna stay the night in Falköping. I need some time to get to know her better, so I'm looking forward to that.

I think I'm gonna go back home on Friday to celebrate Easter with my family, but as always, I can't stay there too long so I'll probably be back here again as fast as I can. Things are slowly progressing with finding an apartment in Borås, all I'm waiting for now is a decision from my unemployment fund, and then I'm off. If anyone who reads this want to help me move my stuff into the new apartment, feel free to do so! I'll get you a cup of coffee and/or a hug for your trouble. Hopefully I can move in the weekend around the 1st of May.

Fuck... this is starting to sound really retarded. One last thing, people. If you need some new music to listen to, I strongly recommend you to buy/download Marionette's music, especially their 2008 album "Spite". It's a band with members from Borås and Gothenburg, they play kickass melodic death metal with a touch of Japans visual kei-movement, and I tell you - they rock the fuck out of everything that has been coming out of that scene lately. Check them out at;

http://www.myspace.com/marionettesweden

Later, people.

Take me somewhere

05.30 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

I'd like to start with quoting one of the men who made a difference in this world, John F. Kennedy.

"When power leads man towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses. The artist... becomes the last champion of the individual mind and sensibility against an intrusive society. Society must set the artist free to follow his or her vision wherever it takes them...For art establishes basic human truths, which must serve as the touchstone for our judgement..."

Think about that one for a while.
Because I have been thinking about it, about what it means to me, about what it means to the world. I've been thinking about everything. My life. Our life. This life. The existence, why we walk upon this earth, why we are here, what we have done, and what will become of everything. Existence.
As we wonder what brought us here and with what purpose, the sun keeps rising and setting, leaving us with the same questions we had from the beginning of time... not that the sun doesn't care about us....it only doesn't care for our questions continuing his cosmic dance with the rest of existence...apart from us... And now I finally made my decision. A decision to try and make a difference. And the natural question is - how do you make a difference when you're just a human like everyone else, inhabiting a planet where life is such a challenge. I don't know, so I'm going to start somewhere, and see where it leads me.

I see life as a journey. You begin your journey the second you draw your first breath, when light reaches your eyes and your brain starts to adapt into this new, cold, unfriendly world that you have just been released into. And from that day, every step you take will lead you down new roads, new paths, with a burning desire to explore, learn, create, discover and move forward, onwards into eternity. My journey has only gotten me so far, and now I have taken one step towards changing my life forever, taking control of it and doing everything I can to make a difference and leave my footprints on the surface of the earth, and in the history of man. My first step is creating something I don't even know what it is yet. I will try and explain it the best I can.

Living is an art known to every man from the beginning. But not all men learn how to master the art, they just give it their best shot and see where it takes them. Art, in all it's amazing forms, is a way of expressing humanity, and all that comes with it. Music, poetry, painting, writing - it all comes down to the point where you feel like you are learning, and by learning you are evolving your mind. And since I feel the need to evolve, and let the world evolve with me, I'll begin with starting a project - if you can call it a project, and try to make something out of it that means something to someone. I shall begin with myself, and take further steps to improve my mind, expose it to new sensations, new impressions. I shall explore new worlds, discover new things and make every minute of my life count. And with my own progression, I shall seek out other individuals, and try to make them part of it, this project, try to make them understand the purpose of all this. We shall reach an understanding for each other, and together we shall set out to try and open the eyes of those who have been blinded by the world's unforgiving way of restricting our minds, putting them in chains and try to kill our creative minds. We are but vessels on this eternal journey into the future, but we can control them, we can disable the autopilot and steer towards our dreams.

This can be hard to understand, and I respect that. So with the following simple words, I hope to get the attention of individuals who feel the same as me.

If you're an artist - in any way - you can help me make a difference. If you create music, poetry, art, literature or any form of work that makes the world more beautiful and versatile - contact me. This is about showing the world we exist, in whatever form it may be. The societies in the world are based on controlling people, to put them in place and have them caged. I want to change that, I want to tell everyone that they have the right to be free, and let their mind think in bigger pictures. In the beginning, I will focus on getting my message out to the society, and the best way of doing so is to post it on the walls, to leave our message where everyone can see it, and let it be known. This is often referred to as street art, and since most people live in densely populated areas known as towns or cities, it is a fitting description. Grab a spray can, cover the walls with the words of freedom, let everyone know that this is our world, and we will never stop fighting for the right of free expression of mind.

There are many people in this world who profit from the whole process of putting individuals in chains, and by chains I mean the everyday life many people live. The normal 9 to 5-life that is slowly poisoning our minds, prohibiting them from thinking freely and killing our creativeness. These type of people feel that by controlling as many people as possible, putting them in the degenerating machine that our society is, they reach some superior position where they feel they are in control. They are wrong - and we will show them that there is no more powerful force in the world than mans will to become free. Their laws will clash against our creativeness, and the battle will be gruesome.

It sounds dramatic, and maybe it isn't, but in my mind it's a fight I'm destined to participate in.
So - if you feel like you can contribute to this project in any way, by acting as a free individual and use your creative mind to make a difference, contact me, let me know you understand or want to understand what this is all about.
Send me an email at twistedorigin@hotmail.com or comment this post if you'd like more information.

At length, I feel the need to give this... project, or movement or whatever you may call it, a name. And there is no way that this will end up with only one name, but until further notice, I will call it "Lifestream". It symbolizes the life we are all a part of, and everything that streams through all living things on this planet. It is the power to create our own destiny, and the force that guides us towards our bitter end. So, Lifestream it is.

Feel it. Explore. Dream. Discover.

I want you to lead me

05.30 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary"

I'm sorry for not writing in you for a while. I guess you're really jealous of me being so busy that I'm forgetting about you. Well, stop feeling that way. 'Cause the reason I'm not writing in you is that I simply haven't been doing anything lately that's been worth writing about. So now I'm going to try and sum up what I've (not) been up to the last few days.

Weekend's been kinda' boring. Last Saturday I spent the day outside in the sun. The weather was real nice so we (Me, Erik and Linus) went to a park and sat there, had some beers with some other friends. On the evening I went to Skövde and to the Backstage club with Johnny and Daniel, but stayed sober through the night so I didn't have a good time. But hey, at least I didn't have to stay in town.

So lately I have been looking for apartments for hire in Borås, with the intention of moving there as soon as I get one, and finally that's about to happen. If everything goes as planned I'll be moving in next weekend or the weekend after that, which actually feels great. After three years of traveling back and forth from that town, to girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, friends and all the drama and fucked up things that have happened in that town, I'm finally moving there. I'm both dreading and looking forward to it, as much as I love the city and the people in it, there's still some deep emotions connected to some people there. People who since long have moved on with their lives, and which I'm no longer a part of. I have no intention of destroying their... ah, fuck, it's actually "her" and if she reads this she's gonna know who I'm talking about anyway. So... I have no intention on trying to destroy her relationship, and besides, I already have someone who I'm about to give another chance. But my head's just not co-operating with me.

I feel like I can't get my thoughts out of my head and transform them into letters and words. I hate it when this happens - I get periods when I feel totally numb. Blacked-out, stretched thin and just unmotivated to anything. I can't find a way to express myself, I can't write, I can't sing, I can't fucking do anything that requires using my mind. I don't know why it happens, it is as if someone pulled the blinds on my mind or wrapped my head in some thick cotton that prohibits my mind from thinking in creative ways. Fuck, look at me, I can't even seem to write in a stimulating way. Look at this, some twisted version of school-english? Shit...

I gotta stop. This is supposed to be a place where I can express my thoughts and try to understand myself. If I can read my own thoughts, maybe I can control them. Shit, I don't know. Should probably stop writing now before I start smashing my head into the nearest wall 'cause it won't let me think straight.

I'll get back to y'all when I'm functional again.

Disasterpiece

05.30 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Everythings just spinning. I can't fucking think straight.

Wake me up from this nightmare, someone, anyone...

Right next door to hell

09.20 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Today feels good. The sun is shining, temperature's rising, and I'm finally starting to believe that Spring will come this year too. I've been in a good mood since I woke up about 4 AM after sleeping since 10 PM... Yeah, I'm as surprised as you are by the fact that I actually slept at night this time. Been feeling restless, I need to activate myself, find some things to do. Right now I'm walking around in the apartment waiting for Erik to wake up so we can go downtown and grab a coffee. Been working out a little, and it's finally starting to show. Guess that's one thing that's good about being skinny - when you get some muscles, they show real well.

Been listening to the Use Your Illusion I album by Guns N' Roses all morning, it's such a great album that has pretty much everything - fast songs, dirty rock n' roll anthems, nice ballads and fuckin' awesome lyrics. Right now I feel so hopelessly frustrated. I need to start making music, not just thinking about it all day long. I fear time is running out - this year I'll be 22. When Mötley happened back in the 80's none of the boys (except Mick) was over 20. and by then they'd all been in bands before. What do I have? Zero. Nothing. Not a real band, hardly any experience performing on a stage. All I have is a head full of music, words and my voice. I know I have enough to launch myself on a wild trip on the way to becoming a star, I just lack the right people to take with me. All my previous attempts at putting a band together has been a disaster. Lack of motivation, distance between the members and shit like that. I've done as much as I can to tell people "Hey! Look over here, here's a crazy motherfucker who's ready to put his life into the music and sell his soul to the devil if that's waht it takes to get anywhere! Join my band!", and so far I've only found a few people who actually take music seriously. And they live too fucking far away. Typical.

I need a Nikki (and I've got one, but again, he lives too far away...), I need a crazy ass guitarist who can shred like no one else, who's been raised by rock n' roll and a hard-hitting drummer who heard his first beat the day he was born - the beating of his own heart. I need a Slash, a Duff - hell, I could even settle for an egocentric Axl. But those types of people are hard to find these days... everyone is too scared of losing the stupid game they play every day. They don't want to risk losing everything they own on following some dream that might not even come true. See this as an S.O.S. call - if you're reading this, and feel that you are that Nikki, that Slash, that Tommy or any other personality that has ever created music that rocks so fucking hard, please, contact me and we'll sort things out. You won't regret it. I promise.

Time for some coffee right now and a cigarette... a far too typical breakfast in my case. I'll be writing in you soon, diary.