Monday, November 30, 2009

Rock and roll

http://rocknrolloutlaw.blogg.se

That's where you'll find me from now on.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Closing act

9.26 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

About damn time you guys get an update, they're far too rare nowadays. I'm honestly thinking of putting this blog to rest and get a new one that I will write in Swedish on, since there are certain people who misinterpret things I write and get mad about them for no reason at all. Anyway, about that update.

The following entry does no longer bear any significance. That cunt betrayed me in the worst possible way, therefore she doesn't deserve to be mentioned here. A sheep in wolves clothing, a coward among cowards, her memory will be erased and never again spoken of. You're dead to me.

I've found a girl. A special girl, who I believe could really be "the one". You know, the one true love they talk about in all those movies and books about love, the one you never thought you'd find... and then one day, she just appears right in front of you, from nowhere. Shining more brightly than anything you've ever laid eyes on before, making your heart beat so fast you can swear it'll burst at any moment. It's strange how that works, love... you spend your life chasing after it, desperately wanting to feel it, but it never really gets true until you stop chasing it and let it come to you instead. Like she came to me. A few years ago, none of this would have made sense. That I would be sitting here tonight, with a heart so full of love for this woman and my mind spinning around, getting high on the feeling she gives me just by smiling or laughing. Love at first sight - isn't that something that the books and movies have copyrighted? Does it exist in real life as well? I used to think so, before I got my heart broken so many times that I didn't believe anyone could make it whole again. Until now.

The first time I laid eyes on her it was on her blog. Back then, just a few months ago, she was still together with her ex, Love, probably most known as "Terry Blade" from the sleaze band Redlight Attraction. I knew who he was, and at first I thought she seemed far too vain and bragged about her "famous rock n' roll singer-boyfriend", which afterwards mostly seemed to be because of my jealosy of everyone who's more successful than me. But then something changed, I couldn't resist checking her profile, reading through her blog, only getting more and more intrigued by her appearance and sheer attractiveness. Then, out of nowhere, she became single again. He left her. I mentioned this in an earlier post, referring to it as and "I want-feeling", but back then I could never imagine we would be so close today. It's almost as if it was meant to be. I often think about this, the way we make our decisions and how they guide us through life in an advanced chain reaction. What if I hadn't made that decision three years ago? Where would I be today? Even the smallest thing can be made into something really important, merely by stepping outside my door I'm making a decision that will perhaps change my life, and others as well. We're all on the same map, just tiny little markers moving around in different directions, trying to find our way through to the other side, or just trying to find our way home. Like me. And then you bump into someone, and leave a dent, a mark, a memory that he or she will carry with him for the rest of his/her life. Something that didn't mean anything in the beginning can suddenly get essential for your whole existence. My mind just spins faster and faster with such thoughts running through, but its calming in a way, to be able to grasp the very foundations of our human mind.

I'm getting off track... a far too common thing nowadays. I was meaning to tell you all how this came to be, that I now no longer walk alone. With her by my side, I feel safe again. Things aren't perfect, they never get perfect, but this is something new to me. For the first time since my mind started to refuse co-operating all those years ago, I feel relaxed and safe with her. We've only known each other for two weeks, been together for two days, but it could as well be 2 years. I can connect to her on so many levels, even if there's always gonna be a little shyness in the beginning. I can't explain how thrilled I am, just walking into this big adventure, not knowing where I'll end up or how things will evolve from now. Maybe it was time for leaving everything bad behind me, and starting over again, never looking back. I think my past will always haunt me, for as long as I live, but I'm never going to stop running. The speed blur makes everything so beautiful, and when I'm free from conscience I feel alive, ready to take on any obstacle I meet. Maybe things will turn out just fine, maybe they won't - I really don't care anymore. I'm going to stop worrying, stop trying to dig deeper into my past to find answers who never were there from the beginning, all while never looking further forward than my eyes can see. Taking chances, live my life day by day and not worrying about tomorrow - and that just might work.

Things aren't working out as they should, we're still a guitar player short of being a full band, we still have a demo to record, I still suffer from terrible stage fright, I doubt my own capabilities when it comes to fronting a band and to have the voice to back it up, I still dream nightmares about the past, I still get mental breakdowns, I'm still paranoid as hell, and I still can't seem to move forward as fast as I would like, or as fast as I know I could. But what the hell, complaining about it doesn't make it any better, does it? Damn right it doesn't. I could name a thousand other things that's bothering me, but for what purpose? Is everyone reading this going to make a change? Hell no. So I'll try to stop doing that, since it only backfires all the time anyway. And maybe that's where you and me take separate ways. You' been with me through a lot, diary, and I admire your ability to listen without interrupting... for the most part, at least. You've been my only escape at some times, spilling my anguish on these virtual pages like blood on a battlefield. When I'm trying to let go of the past, it means I have to let go of you as well. But I leave you with a smile, and I'm saving every post I've ever written here as a memory of the times gone by, to bring out someday in the future, wherever I am, to remember, to cry, to laugh, but most importantly - to know where I came from, what made me into the person I am today, the person I am tomorrow and the person I will continue to be as long as I walk this earth...

... which I no longer walk alone upon. She is so amazingly beautiful I get tears in my eyes just by looking at her. Never before have things felt so right, and I can't wait to see where fate takes us next. She made me realize there are still things left in life to savor, new places to see, new experiences, new things to learn. I might get older and older, but I'm still young at heart, with a burning desire to explore everything around me. Just like a baby, I sometimes hurt myself playing with fire, but nevertheless I get a rush whenever I get close to the flame next time. It feels as if I'm in the beginning of something beautiful, something that will change my life forever. I'm so glad I found you, Zandra. I'm so glad I get to kiss you, hold you, love you in all the ways I can. This is the beginning, this is us together into the unknown, tightly holding hands as we walk down this road. And I've never been happier together with anyone.

So... this is getting confusing even for me, I can imagine how you readers feel. I could go on and on, but let's wrap this up one final time, shall we? I still feel as if I have things to say, so there might be a post every now and then, but I'll try and stick to my new blog instead. You know how I easily get nostalgic and start missing things I've experience before. But for now, this is officially closed down. All of you who have been with me, as readers, through this nightmare ride - thanks for reading, even if you've only read a post before you got tired of my emo bitching and pessimistic view of the world. I never though anyone would have the patience to read through another persons diary, for that is what it is, a simple diary. But for the few people that actually have an interest in my life, this page is great. I promise to post a link to my new blog shortly.

So... with the words of Nikki Sixx, from "Home Sweet Home", lets put this thing to rest one final (?) time. Cause' his words couldn't have been more true, I'm on my way home. And her arms is the closest I've come yet. Until next time, everyone.

Love, Sid.


You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away high
So I wouldn't come home low

Just when things went right
Doesn't mean they were always wrong
Just take this song and you'll never feel
Left all alone

Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And I'm comin' off this
Long and winding road

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home

You know that I've seen
Too many romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin' off the silver screen

My heart's like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
Just set me free
Home sweet home

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Ready when you are

5.57 AM. Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Too tired to write anything of importance tonight... or this morning, whatever it is. Just wanted to say that I'm looking forward to seeing Zandra today, though I'm nervous as hell. Things have changed since we last talked, and now I'm starting to believe that she's what I've been looking for all my life. Everything about her is just perfect, almost dream-like... and it both frightens and fascinates me. Anyway, we'll see what happens tomorrow (today, that is), and maybe, just maybe, I've finally come to that fork in the road where I have to pick which road to follow. Let's just hope that I choose the right one, 'cause there ain't no turning back once you've started walking those endless miles.

Regardless of which path I choose, I would want her to walk by my side.
Off to a few hours of sleep, night everyone.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Queen of the night

2.03 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Dear diary,

So I've been at my parents home for a day now... so far so good. But ever since I got here I've had this strange feeling I can't seem to get off my mind. It's hard to put into words, but some strange mixture of loneliness, paranoia and just feeling uneasy. The loneliness is the worst right now, it feels like I'm about to burst into tears at any given moment. I just want someone to hold me, so I can feel safe again. Other than that, not much is new... don't know when I'll go back to town again, even though I actually have something to look forward to when I get back there. Been speaking some more to Zandra, and she wanted to see me again, which is great news. She was even more beautiful in real life than I could ever have imagined, and though I was nervous as hell, she seemed to have a calming effect on me. In some way, it felt like we had known each other for a long time. Needless to say, I was enchanted by her stunning looks and great personality, which further developed my infatuation. Once again, diary, I am beginning to think that I'm falling in love. And yeah, you're right - I'm going to say the same thing again; "It feels different this time around."

But I'm damn right it does. I feel as if everything I do is like a new adventure, and for the first time ever I'm not afraid to spread my wings and just throw myself out into the skies. So what if they're full of holes, or made of lead? I'm going to enjoy the view on my way down, in that case, so don't you worry. I'm so bad at trying to hide my enthusiasm for such matters as this, and often it turns out I'm wrong about everything and have to feel the shame for taking it for granted. But even if that's the case this time around too, I won't hide that she makes me happy just by saying she feels somewhat the same. And baby, I know you're reading this - I'm sorry if I have gotten it all wrong, but you're so attractive I can't help it. We would make such a beautiful couple.

Today's gonna be kinda' nice actually, it was my fathers birthday yesterday (congratz, dad!) so today a whole lot of releatives are gonna show up here and celebrate him, which equals a lot of cake and various sweets. Nom. You know... it's like I go through a transformation whenever I get here. I come into this house wearing a mask, the one I wear everyday when I'm at home in Borås or with my friends, then I take it off and travel back four years in time when I still lived here, worked every day at the farm and didn't have a clue of what was waiting for me in the future. It feels both great and awful at the same time... I enjoy the hard work, it keeps you focused and keeps you from thinking too much. Just hard work, where you can see very clear results at the end of the day, and then you stop working and your mind gets back into city-mode, and you start missing a fast broadband connection, having a store close and being able to meet your friends without traveling 40 kilometers to the nearest train station. I know I can't stand being here longer than a few days, but that does it for me. I go back, and enjoy living in a town more than I did before, so it has its purposes being here after all. But just to complain a bit, for the sake of complaining itself, I'll end this post with a classic lyric from Guns N' Roses "Down On The Farm". Night y'all.


All I need is some inspiration
Before I do somebody some harm
I feel just like a vegetable
Down here on the farm

Nobody comes to see me
Nobody here to turn me on
I ain't even got a lover
Down here on the farm

They told me to get healthy
They told me to get some sun
But boredom eats me like cancer
Down here on the farm

Drinkin' lemonade shanty
Ain't nobody here to do me harm
But I'm like a fish out of water
Down here on the farm

I wrote a thousand letters
Till my fingers all gone numb
But I never see no postman
Down here on the farm

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Colours of rain

2.41 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

It feels like I have reached a point where everything just has stopped making sense. A moment of clarity, yet it is tainted by an inexplicable force that is driving me insane. I can not see the veils, for they are too close to my eyes. There is only darkness in front of me, but in the darkness there are also light. Small spots of light, drifting around in the void. Most of the spots consists of the people that help me keep breathing, but some are also made of my dreams and hopes, my interests and the things I enjoy. I've become far too reliant, far too depending on other things but my own self to keep myself alive. I cling to matters that have been long lost for me, I seek comfort in memories of sunny days when everything I needed was a smile and a kiss, and I was content. Now, these dark matters at hand drive me towards greed and a burning desire for more. I desire so many things, and when I get them, they almost instantly become obsolete in my hands, and I throw them away and start yearning for bigger, better things. This is my curse.

I do not have much to tell you about my everyday doings, since they aren't that important anyway. The only thing that matters nowadays is that my need to evolve and find new places, new things to enjoy is satisifed. And by the look of things, it isn't going very well. Most days I feel hopelessly out of place, like someone placed me in a play I do not want to take part in, but is forced to anyway because I need the money it pays to survive. All while dreaming away during the nights, dreaming of large stages with thousands of people screaming my name, riches and beautiful women. Power, the ability to become totally independent. To be able to influence the world, or even become powerful enough to rule it. You'll call me mad, even me myself does it every now and then, but my mind works in mysterious ways. Though it often decieves me and plots against me, on some rare occasions we find a balance, and then work in the same direction, against the same target. I know I'm smart, even smarter than most people around me. Maybe that's why I feel alienated from the rest of humanity. Like I know something they don't, and I know I really do. I've got what it takes, they don't. To seize something that's already been coming straight towards you shouldn't be considered as something awful. If only I could find the peace of mind I need to put my plans in motion.

Another issue that has been bothering me lately... I can't seem to find the same enthusiasm in sex that I used to have before. Just a couple of years ago, I could sleep with almost anything that had a pussy and tits, but then I found myself a girlfriend, fucked her 'til we both got tired of fucking each other, and then did the same thing twice and then... here we are. I've gotten into a lot of situations where I've consciously said no to sex with a girl, just because of this trouble I'm having. Everytime I try to get aroused and have sex with a girl, it is af is my body freezes. I can't find any attraction towards her, even if she's really sexy. And no, anyone who thinks I'm gay will get a punch in the teeth. I know that's not the case. More likely, it has gotten to the point where I've become so unsure of myself that I can't show myself in front of others. The mask has become such an obstruction that it prohibits me from doing what I once enjoyed so much. Just the few past weeks there have been lots of moments where I found out my head wants to fuck the chick I have laying next to me, but my body doesn't obey. Not even when I have been drinking it wants to co-operate. And it only gets worse. Sex keeps me alive, without it I lose even more of my passion for life, and those reserves are running dangerously low as it is. Enough complaining.

You know, this whole "don't worry, be happy" things has really worked out so far. Sure, there are times when I fall through the gaps and get depressed over things, but for the most part, I'm doing fine. Things aren't perfect, but then again, nothing will ever be perfect for me, ever. I'm looking forward to things more than before, and every day seems like a new adventure even though they usually consist of me waking up, sitting in front of the computer, and then go to bed 12 hours later again. At least I'm alive, I have plans and dreams and I look into the future and see something good just waiting to happen. Talking of things about to happen, tomorrow I'll meet this girl, whom I've mentioned before, Zandra. We've talked for a while over the Internet and she really gets to me. She's so damn attractive, and really brings out that childish "I want it now!-feeling" in me. But as always, I doubt myself on such matters. She seems to be ready to start a new relationship, and by the looks of it, she's already found a worthy candidate. But I cannot help feeling that we should fit perfectly together. We have so much in common, and she seems to understand me in a way not many others do. I'm nervous as hell, I always get like this when I'm about to meet with someone for the first time. Always striving to make a great first impression. Things really doesn't get better with her being so pretty and all... but we'll see. Maybe Mr.Pathetic gets a new rival tomorrow. And I know who would win that fight.

I was meaning to get a few hours of sleep before 7 AM when I should start doing the laundry, but that seems unnecessary at the moment, since it would only help making me even more tired when I wake up. Maybe I'll just lay down and close my eyes and see what happens. Later y'all.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Pathway

2.36 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I guess I knew it all along... I'm officially lost again.

she'll fake a smile when the timing's right
but that cunt will stab you in the back
her eyes are set to make it to the top
she spreads her legs like a swing-door opens up
my bad, I started this rumour,
that you sell your mouth for a dollar
and if I know her right, that precious little whore,
she's on her back screaming out for more

Monday, October 26, 2009

Stories with bitter endings

8.08 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Crazy Lixx - Death Row
Dear diary,

Well look who's finally gotten around to it. Hi! Have you missed me? Of course you have. I knew it. You're too sweet. It has been longer than ever before since I wrote a "full" post here, and in a way it feels great. 'Cause you know, I've been telling you all this shit about me feeling worse when I over-analyze my head and everything that goes on inside of it, and that's exactly the reason I have been letting this shit be for a while now. So if you're expecting to hear a full report of how bad I'm feeling, and how much I miss someone, or something, you're out of luck. I mean, I have that kind of feelings, but I'm just suppressing them, trying to focus on positive emotions... which in most cases mean I act on impulse with just about everything. And to be honest... its been working fucking great.

Lately I've met a whole lot of interesting people, I've went from having no social life, to actually spending time with people I've never met before. It's both refreshing and exciting at the same time, a little taste of what my life used to be, and what I want it to be like. Constantly meeting new people, seeing new places, trying everything at least once and not giving a shit about what anyone thinks. I'm on my way there now, I can feel it. It's like I'm reborn, and I've come flying out of the womb like a bat out of hell, ready to take on the world and any fucker who tries to mess with my plans or myself. At least I feel like that sometimes... but not nearly enough. It'll hopefully be the beginning of a new period. The next stage, or something like that. But anyways... I mentioned something about meeting some new people lately, right? Some of 'em are more than just "interesting"... and as you can probably guess, they're all female. I've been getting some attention from quite a few ladies in the past few weeks, and as much as I like it, it also makes me so confused. It's been everything from just a small comment to practically telling me they want to be together with me... and that just makes everything so much harder. Each and every one of them are special in their own way, some of them shine more than the others, but all in all they're all sweet, caring persons who I wouldn't mind spending more time with. But I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with someone again until I've cleared my mind of everything that makes me such a bad fucking person. First then can I focus on making someone else happy.

We have a band again. Big news. Even though or first rehearsal was awful, and I got so nervous I forgot how to sing fuckin' Sweet Child O' Mine, we're still a band. It may be we don't have the guitarists yet, but the foundation is there and everything feels great. Our drummer, Tommy (yeah, his name is really Tommy) is driven and entusiastic, and that's just what we need. Someone to kick our asses when we (me and my faithful basstard) get lazy. We also have a gig booked in May next year, on a small festival in some random town in the middle of Sweden, which means we have about 7 months to make and release our first demo. We have some material already, mainly stuff from our drummers old band that we decided to use, but hopefully we have a couple of new songs ready by the end of this year. Ah hell, this might just be it. The start of the journey. The only thing I doubt at this point is myself. Sometimes I feel like I can sing like a beast, that I sound fucking awesome, and some days I just can't take a single note. And the fact that not many other people have heard me sing other than on recorded songs is also worrying. What if I'm walking around in a dream, a dream that is about me being able to sing? What if I actually sound like shit? Then what am I going to do? Play guitar? Nah, I'm a singer. I know my voice isn't suited for this whole rock thing, it's too fragile and high pitched to get that attitude that, for example, Eric Martin has. It lacks the punch of say... Axl Rose or Sebastian Bach. And if the voice is missing out, the music's going to sound like shit. Everything I ever wanted was to stand in the spotlight, to be the main attraction, even though it scares the shit out of me, I know I'm going to fall into the role of the rock n' roll singer when it's time. The show must go on.

I feel better about my appearance, that's also great big news. All this attention is making me believe I'm actually attractive to some people. If it's just the projected image they've seen and liked, or if it's who I am behind the mask, I don't know. But I don't feel that apart from the mask and the real me anymore, we're kinda' growing into each other once again. That tough shell is cracking up in a big smile, showing what's behind it. And for the first time in a long while I feel like I can show it to some people without being afraid it will drive them away or make them think I'm ugly. It's probably still gonna be a big play all my life, constantly changing masks between different episodes to whatever suits me best at the time, but hopefully there will also be times when I feel comfortable with just being myself. It all depends on the attention... always the attention of others to make me feel good about myself. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.

Ah, hell... this one's longer than the previous posts at least. I've probably left out too many things that I should've informed you guys about, but as I always say... let me get back to you. Tomorrow I'll be visiting my parents again, staying there for a day or so before going back here and hopefully attending a Halloween party where a lot of the interesting people I've mentioned earlier will show up. If I can afford it. Let's hope for the best. Later y'all.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Prologue, prolongation

9.28 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Ain't gonna happen tonight either. It's not that I'm too tired, I just can't find the inspiration or guts to try and put down my thoughts. I fear they will cause a very unpleasant breakdown. I'll just leave you with an exciting cliffhanger, that will eliminate the need for more meaningless posts. To be honest, I always...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Prologue, continuation

10.52 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Same shit today. I was meaning to write... but as usual, taking the first step to anything is like climbing Mount Everest for me. It's a curse. So, once again... I'll get back to you. If I can get myself to it.

Prologue

12.52 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Didn't want to let you down tonight, with me being back home and all... but I'm just too tired to make an effort. This place just makes everything that's good about me disappear... I'll get back to you.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Restless heart, restless mind

6.33 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Blackrain - Innocent Rosie
Dear diary,

Thought I'd try something new tonight. Instead of sitting here writing a full post at the same time, I'll just post whatever I'm thinking of and how I'm feeling for a few hours ahead. That'll at least give me an idea of how much my mood swings back and forth from euphoria to depression. So... let's give it a shot.

6.35 PM

Just saw a post on Facebook from Arjana, my old girlfriend, that basically said she's about to get breast implants. I can't help but feel that old jealousy coming back to me, 'cause bigger tits mean more attention, and I'd love to have a girl everyone's talking about (and would like to fuck). Especially when it's someone I've been that close to. But hey, it's been over 4 years since we broke up... and still, we had the best sex I've ever had. Maybe that's why I miss her so at some times. My mind won't stop fucking with my head.

7.34 PM

Talking to our new drummer (hopefully) on MSN, and getting really psyched about getting together and play again. This time it feels different... I mean, it's all there, the dreams, the anticipations, the positive feeling... only this time it feels like we're actually are gonna make it. We've been doing this for so long now, without getting a single bit further down the road to stardom, but maybe it's our time now. My plan will take us there, and I believe I've found the right people to make it work out. Feels great.

9.23 PM

Something's wrong. No matter how long I sleep, I'm still tired when I wake up. Today I woke up at 7 AM, stayed awake until 10 AM and then fell asleep again and slept until 5 PM. It's not healthy, and I can't seem to shake this feeling that nothing really is worth doing any longer. I get up, get something to eat, have a cigarette, and then go back to sleep again. Worthless.

10.24 PM

Watching a Quiet Riot concert from 1984... damn, they were so good back then. I'm sitting here, trying to find a name for the band.... which has turned out to be harder than I could ever imagine. Either everything's already taken, or it doesn't fit our style. We need something that is easy to remember, something that looks good on the huge advertisements and something that you can play around with a bit. If you have a good name, please tell.

11.47 PM

Oh fuck... me and my dumb, stupid fucking heart. Just heard from Jessica that a girl whom I've been watching for a while now is single again. And yeah, you're right, the 3-year old in me comes out in the spotlight again. "I want." It's a fucking mantra, repeated inside my head over and over again until it drives me mad, and after that it continues and drives me even madder, and after that... you get the point. I should stay the fuck away from relationships, I know that. You know that. But my fucking God, she is gorgeous, and everyone wants her. Only problem, she's attractive - I'm not. I've got to make some changes again. Looks that kill.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Triage at dawn

7.54 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • A whole lot of Lars Winnerbäck
Dear diary,

I love the early, cold autumn mornings. Everything is still and quiet, and the grass is shrouded in a thin layer of frost. I've been up since 4 AM, Jessica came here yesterday and she slept here, but she's still in bed. We've been doing that for a while now, just sleeping together, no sex or anything like that, just keeping each other company. I feel safe around her, which is rare nowadays. So right now I'm doing some laundry, and after that we'll get some breakfast and then I'll start packing so I can go to Jönköping and stay at Alexandra's place for a while, a week or so. She said she needed company, and I felt like getting out of Borås for a while could be a good idea. Besides, there's a lot of stuff going on with the band now so it's better if I'm there so I'll be closer to everyone. Also, next Friday there's a festival in Jönköping called "Nordisk Gårdsbandsfestival", some friends bands will be playing and I think we'll bring the band and party together with them, looking forward to it.

I don't even remember what I wrote in my last post, and I'm too lazy to look it up. But things haven't really changed that much. I'm still trying to deny everything I'm feeling, and some days I'm doing just fine, some days it's worse. I guess I'm getting by after all. Had a coffee with Louis yesterday before my meeting at the job centre, it felt nice too see her again, she seems to be doing alright. I'm glad we can still keep our friendship. Also met Tina yesterday, she came here and helped plait some dreads into my hair so I could see what it looked like before I decide whether to get it for real. It looked really weird, and I'm not sure it's really "me", but we'll see. It'll take a bit of courage to do something drastic about my appearance. I'm feeling bad about the way I look already, so if it would look bad I'd probably freak out and feel even worse about myself. I think I looked great before, last year, with the white hair and different styles I had. Much of that was because of the great work done by Marlene and Tina, and then all of a sudden I dyed it black again, and I instantly felt like I lost everything that made me look good. Now, with all this waiting of my hair getting longer, I feel ugly as hell. People tell me different, but I just can't believe them. I have a mirror, and I'm not blind... but hopefully, it'll get better when the hair has gotten longer. So there you have it - one of my biggest fears, and what makes me so unsure of myself.

I should get up and make some coffee, maybe wake Jessica up and go get some breakfast for us, and also try to decide whether I'll be going to Jönköping today or not. Later y'all.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Walking in circles

7.27 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

It's way past dawn and I'm still awake. In fact, I've only been up for a couple of hours. Sleeping is the only thing I'm really good at nowadays. It's freezing cold outside, autumn has put a firm grip on this country once again, and as much as I like it, I can't help my feet from feeling cold. I need to get some warmer clothing, and a pair of gloves so I won't get a frostbite, that would suck. How long has it been since I last wrote here? A week? More? Less? I've lost track... still, I can't shake this feeling of guilt that strikes me when I haven't written here for some time. It's as if I think someone actually cares about what I write, and I have to continue or else they're gonna miss it. Yeah right.

So... how am I doing? Great question... and I don't feel like answering it, 'cause I'm doing just fine without thinking about how I'm doing. The last few weeks have been like this, I try hard not to think too much about everything, to take things as they come and not do too much planning. All in all, it has worked out fine, with the occasional breakdown now and then. Last night, when at my parents house, I lied down and listened to music before I fell asleep, and as I shuffled through my playlist on my mp3 player I came across the song "Tidvis" by Lars Winnerbäck. I don't know why, but for some reason, as I listened to the song, everything I've been denying lately just catched up with me and I started crying violently. At the end of the song I was nothing more than a shaking pile of bones, doing everything I could to hide the fact that I was crying for my parents. And as if it wasn't enough, the song "Wrapped On Your Arms" by Fireflight came right next after "Tidvis" and further fueled the full blown anxiety attack I was having. I think of one person when I hear that song, and I think you know who after all this time, and the words "Wrapped in your arms - I'm home" have never been more true for me. I've never felt so complete anywhere else... just to be safe, and not have to think about antyhing else than just the two of you. I'd give pretty much anything to feel that safety again. That feeling of being home, where you belong.

I'm always searching for things to blame. Things that can explaing the way I feel. It makes you feel better when you know who's your enemy, what's behind all this malice going on inside your head. And I believe this feeling of not belonging anywhere is one of the greatest causes of my mental instability. I'm like a stranger in my own body, constantly trying to get back to who I was before all of this started, and failing miserably at the task. Not only am I hurting myself with all of this, I'm hurting others as well. If it was only me, I guess I could try to solve the problem in a far easier way, but things have gone past that point. I'm running around like a lost child in a giant mall, looking for someone to take care of him and show him the road back to safety, only I don't admit that to anyone, not even myself. I live in denial of myself and my own actions, believing I can be someone else, someone better, not realizing I can't improve anything until I've figured out myself. Shit... it makes me so confused thinking about this when I've tried so hard to put it away for some time now. But to be honest, I know what I need. But I don't know where to find it, so I just go on hurting myself again and again, stubborn to the very last breath. It's almost as if I haven't made any progress at all, just look back a few months on the things I've written in those posts - it's the same shit, over and over again. So maybe I'm not doing myself a favor by trying to ignore everything instead of trying to deal with it, but hey, it hasn't worked out yet, has it? So I'll just keep smiling, keep dreaming, and keep breathing. That's about everything I'm able to do to keep myself together.

I feel like I have so much to write, and when I started writing on this post, my mind was clear and I knew exactly what to write... now I feel dizzy and everything's just spinning. I need a cigarette...

Later.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

This pain that we refuse

1.55 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Marionette, Marionette, and Marionette...
Dear diary,

Yeah, dear diary. It's such a cliché, but to be honest, you are very dear to me. It's like you're the only one who understands me, 'cause this is the feeling I'm living with inside of me every day. That no one understands me, no one can see what I really mean, what I really want to do. It's like screaming your lungs out, but your scream gets muted halfway through your throat, and you choke on it instead. Nothing gets easier when you're constantly getting misunderstood, and it surely doesn't help that I can't seem to find any words to explain to someone how I feel. I feel... alienated. I need... yeah, I really need someone who understands me. Be it a partner, a friend, or just someone I can trust.

So, a quick walkthrough of my latest activities.
Met Jessica yesterday, she spent the night here, we watched a documentary of Lars Winnerbäck and talked about a lot of the things that are troubling me. Felt really good, I feel I can trust her with a whole lot of my thoughts. Today we went downtown to meet up with Erika and Ellinor and grab a coffee (or in Ellinors case, a glass of wine and a beer.) I hadn't seen Erika in a long time, not since me and Tina broke up, so it was really nice to see her again, and of course Elli too, as always. She puzzles me. There's something about her I just can't seem to figure out. So later on we met Sebastian and this girlfriend he had with him, I should probably not go into details on this one, but he ended up staying back at my place for a couple of hours, and when they left I could feel the exhaustion form being around people all day. It's different altogether, how I'm able to handle being around people. Sometimes I have no trouble being around others for days and even weeks, but I always seem to fall back to periods where I get confused, irritated and exhausted from being around people. Good thing I can retreat here, and write about everything so it doesn't get stuck in my head. I was planning on making this post one of those looooong posts, but I feel I have more important things to do.

Anyway, I'll be launching a new blog today, where I'll be posting mostly poems I write, but also some other stuff that my mind creates. This time it'll be in Swedish, after all it is my first language, and as much as I love English, I feel I'm still able to evolve my writing in Swedish too. So, subscribe if you're interested.

http://decemberskuggor.blogspot.com/

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Wrapped in your arms

4.46 AM, Borås, Sweden

Is this the whole picture
Or is it just the start?
Is this the way you love me?
You're capturing my heart
I used to try and walk alone
But I've begun to grow
And when you tell me just to rest
I'm finally letting go
I let go


Dear diary,

Drunk once again, and should probably be lying in bed by now if it wasn't for the absence of someone to be lyinq there with. Yeah, I'm going to bed alone tonight again, and it feels horrible. Tonight was great, really, went to Elli's place together with Sebastian, Jessica and her friend Hanna. We played Guitar Hero, watched The Ring and played some pool while drinking and having a great time together. I enjoyed being around people I feel I can trust, and it was really interesting to finally meet Hanna after all this time. We've been conversating via different internet communities for almost a year now, and to be honest, she was even more beautiful in real life than any picture I've ever seen of her. I've had my eyes on her for the whole evening, unable to focus on anything else. When I finally got to hold her in my arms, it felt like paradise... which leads me to tonights big question; Why the hell do I get so easily infatuated with people? I mean, a couple of days ago it was Nala who stole my attention merely by smiling in a video I found on her Netlog, and now it's this girl who've caught my attention. Big time. Yeah, I don't even bother to try and hide it anymore, people can say whatever they want. I still have a free will, and I intend to use that will to do whatever I want to do. I just can't get her out of my mind. We left Elli's place at 12 AM, and intended to sleep at Sebastian's place tonight, but because of Jessicas angry father, she and Hanna had to stay at her place, so me and Sebastian went into town alone in search for a party. We didn't find anything of interest, so instead we sat down and talked about pretty much everything for 2 hours or so. It felt great to get to know him better, we really get each other totally, not only because of our common love for music, but also because we're really alike in a lot of ways.

Still, I wanted to spend the night together with her... she's just everything I've been looking for in a girl. But she's probably tied up with everyone else, and it seemed like she has enough stalkers already. I'm going to be realistic about this matter and accept the fact that I'm not something she would ever get interested in. It hurts, but the truth always does, doesn't it? Damn right. I don't know if this is yet another one of my "I'm all alone, keep me company through the night"-periods, 'cause I'm sure as hell not ready for another relationship, not yet at least. And still, she feels so right. Maybe I'll get over it in a couple of days, a couple of days of obsessing over her pictures and messages that is... Ah hell, I can barely see straight right now, so I'm off to bed. Later y'all.

1.23 PM

You know... you should have learned by now that I write a lot of stupid shit when I'm drunk, so next time, at least try to stop me. But I guess it's more honest when I'm writing under the influence of illegal substances or alcohol. Still... some people may take offense from what I'm writing, but hey, if it hurts, don't read it? So just to make things clear - I'm being realistic and will try and forget about her, otherwise I just end up hurting myself. Done.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

For love - we'll give it a shot

12.12 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

I'm drunk, and should probably be passed out by now, but I'll leave a note here at least. Tonight's been great, I've been partying with some great people all night long. A lot of girls showed up at Sebastians place, which was a pleasant surprise- I've lost track of how much I drank, but it was a lot from the look of it right now. The only drawback is that I'm going to bed alone tonight, I was hoping to have a girl with me... but the one I wanted to be here stayed at Sebastians place tonight. Bettet luck tomorrow, I guess. She's so damn attractive... ah hell, I've already said to much now. Let's just leave it at that. Night y'all.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Cowboys don't look back

3.18 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Eminem feat. Royce Da 5'9 - Scary Movies
Dear diary,

I felt compelled to leave a lil' note here tonight. We've been through some tough shit together, after all... So... it's past midnight again, yet another worthless day ahead of me. I slept until 5 PM today, so I'm really not tired, though I've had an annoying headache for the most part of the evening. Louis slept here tonight, or... yesterdaty night, actually. It was nice to have some company, you know how easily I get lonely. She didn't seem too comfortable with the fact that we didn't share the same intimacy as we did when we were together, but that's the way things need to be for now. I can't support a decision to move into a relationship again, that would just be another disaster on a very long list of disasters. I actually had some plans for today, but as usual, things seem to fuck up in every possible way when I'm planning something. I meant to go down to Jönköping today and party with some friends, were really looking forward to it, but I recently discovered that some money had been deducted from my bank account for some loans I have, so I'm nearly broke, which makes it kinda' hard to travel anywhere. So it looks like I'll be spending the weekend at home, freaking out when watching everyone else go out and enjoy themselves. I've never been able to handle the fact that I'm missing out on everything. It could be the smallest thing, but inside it feels like I'm about to explode. I get so frustrated, angry and hateful knowing that other people are having fun or experiencing something great - and I'm not there with them. I fucking hate it when people are telling me how "awesome that concert was" or "how fun they had at that party" when I wasn't there. Ah, fuck... I need cash. Badly. I've been playing around with the idea of getting into the business again. As long as you don't get addicted and use up your merchandise yourself, it's a real good way to earn some cash. But then again, this city probably has its dealers already, and they usually don't like competition. I don't need someone to whip a pistol in my face again.

You know... it feels like I'm writing less and less here because of the path I've chosen now. The fact that I try real hard to not care about things, and not take everything so serious... it leaves me without many of those feelings I've let you know about in all the other posts. So don't take it personally if I don't write in you as often as I should, it only means that I'm trying to stay sane, and perhaps am succesful in doing so. Fingers crossed. So, I should probably watch a movie or something until daylight comes around... I need to speak to Sebastian about that party tonight, maybe I can make it there. Could get real interesting, with my ex and her friends there, and that girl I've been watching for a while now. The chance for drama is extremely high. Anyway, cheers people, and later.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Adored

3.08 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

I can't believe I've never seen it before. The perfection of her existence. When she smiles, it feels like a thousand butterflies are unleashed inside of me, my heart beats faster only by knowing she is alive and breathing in this world. I now wander upon another crossroad, where each road leads me to different destinations. If I pick one of them, I might be stuck forever wishing I could make her mine. If I choose the other, I can continue and try to forget her smile, her beautiful face, her perfect body... This is getting to the point of agony, where I can no longer control myself or my feelings for another human being. It has always ended in despair, and maybe this time would turn out exactly the same. But, oh how I want to wake up every day and see that face, those beatiful brown eyes, that perfect smile... I'd give anything.

But, you know I'm a dreamer...

"Wrapped in your arms, I'm home."

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

What if I'm a sinner

1.30 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Fireflight - Wrapped In Your Arms
Dear diary,

For some reason I've started to get tired earlier and earlier on the nights. I can't stay up all night long like I used to do, instead I just sleep and sleep and sleep... and I still wake up tired. Maybe I've lost something inside, something that used to fill me with energy and motivation. Maybe it's just the time of the year that brings you down. I don't know. I wasn't planning on making a post here tonight, to tired to find the words for what's been plaguing me lately. But see this as a start, or something like that. A foreword... I'll fill you in with more details later today, 'cause now I'm off to bed. Later.

8.24 PM

So far so good. I'm feeling rather well, thank you. Except for a slight feeling of loneliness, the whole "shut down everything and start over again" is going as planned. I might just be able to handle this nicely. Not much going on at the moment, my life's very dull and uninteresting, against my will, of course. I'm looking for things to do, something to really put some effort into. The way things look now, I've got two bands to write material for, and a scheduled rehearsal in two weeks with the glam/sleaze band from Jönköping, really looking forward to it. Our new drummer seems to be a real nice guy with the same goals and taste in music, so maybe things will turn out better this time. Other than that, me and Sebastian have talked about getting a band together here in town, but nothing's been decided yet. All in all, it feels like music is becoming an even greater part in my life, and it feels fucking great.

I'm finding it hard to talk about more serious matters... it feels like I would ruin everything if I start thinking about everything... but let's just say some interesting things have happened the last few days. I'm not sure if I should go into details, but something I never expected to happen has happened, though I'm uncertain about the purpose of it. Ah, hell, I should probably stay quiet about that for now. I met Louis today, we headed into town and had a cup of coffee and just talked about everything. It feels good to see her in a way, that we can actually spend time together without focusing on what has happened. That gives me confidence that we can have a friendly relationship in the future. Tonight's going to be as unsatisfying as usual, I'll probably just sit here alone and wish someone would come here and keep me company through the night... but no one does. I guess I'm becoming the alien I never wanted to be, ever. Just great.

But... yeah... whatever. In lack of more shit to spill on these pages, I'll just end this. Later.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

It's you

8.14 PM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • O.A.R - Shattered (damn you, Tina!)
Dear diary,

Yesterday was great. I went to Jönköping to party and go out to some clubs with Alexandra, Leila and her friend (Linnea, was it?) also joined us. I was drunk already at 6 PM, and from then it only got worse, or better, depending on how you see things. Anyway, has a great night, wasted a lot of cash on drinks and also met basstard and Makkey who joined us. Passed out outside Alexandras door, woke up when they came home an hour later and then passed out again. The hangover was inevitable, and I've been pretty much knocked out all day today. Went back to my parents house and will probably spend tomorrow here before going back to Borås early on Monday. This weekend was just what I needed, a chance to enjoy myself and not trouble thinking about everything going on inside my head. Makes everything so much easier. It feels like I can't find the right words tonight, my head is probably still mad at me for trying to kill it with alcohol, so I'm off to bed. Night everyone.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Eternal optimist

10.04 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Hanoi Rocks
I’m just like anyone
I dream of being someone
Fixed on growing young
Man, ain’t it fun
I put up a real good front
– act real nonchalant
If i can’t change the world
I’ll change myself
In hope i still believe, if nothing else

Hanoi Rocks- Eternal Optimist

Dear diary,

I nearly left tonight's writing to that damn devil, whom you've already met before. But not again. I'm still able to defend myself, even though I'm barely breathing. The events that have occured the last few days are both difficult to handle and impossible to cover with just one post. And to be honest, I don't even want to go further into details. Sure, I could sit here and cry over how fucked up I am, how bad I'm feeling and how much I'll miss her. All of these things are probably true... but I have an option this time. To forget. To put on that fake smile again, dust off all the old masks and wear them as I used to. Never let anyone get through my defenses, never let them get inside and see the real me again. 'Cause that's when the bad stuff starts happening. That's when that fucked up thing inside of me get's to play God. And it ain't pretty. So this is how it's gonna be from now on...

You could say it's my very last serenade. My very last attempt at getting this sorry, fucked up life on course again. One last chance to make things right, to forget about how everything is and try to act normal. To ignore the voices inside. I'm not sure how it's gonna work out, how the hell I'm supposed to escape something I've been running from for almost a decade now. The only way, as I see it, is to pick up speed, to start running faster than the dark clouds behind you, in order to stay in the light. The speed is consuming - I know that - it eats away on your life span every day, and truly makes the saying "Live fast - die young" true in every way. But that's a risk I'm willing to take. I won't give up just yet, there's still some energy left to make a last run.

But what if you fail, boy? Whatcha gonna do then, huh? Lie down and cry again? Tss...

Shut up! Nobody told you to speak. I'll make myself into whatever person I need to be to reach my dreams. I'm too fucking tired of who I am already, so that makes it so much easier to just drop everything and become someone else. Someone who's not so infested with fucked up thoughts and mental illnesses. Someone who can handle standing in the spotlight. Someone better. Someone special.

Oh yeah? You know you ain't got that inside of you. You know too damn well you can't become that star, you're too weak. Too afraid.

Fuck you. I'll make it. I'll show you... just wait. I'll forget everything I am, I'll leave this fucked up broken shell of a man and find a new one. I'll stop caring, stop thinking, stop being miserable. It ain't over yet.

Or so you think. Do you honestly believe in all this? They're gonna bring you down again. Everyone's gonna be mad at you, accuse you of being heartless, that you don't care about anyone. You won't be able to forget her, and every time you look at a picture of her and her boyfriend, you're still going to feel that sting inside your heart, and you'll cry yourself to sleep again. There's still too much of me left in you for you to accomplish anything like that. Besides, everyones going to see through you if you should succeed. You would be nothing more than an empty shell, hollow inside so the wind can blow you away. They'll fill you up with dirt, and far worse things than you've ever felt before. And then you'll wish you were back to the way things are now.

To hell with you and your sweet lies. I'll make it, you'll see. I don't need emotions, they'll only end up hurting you. From now on, I'll stop caring about all those things that bring me down. Focus on the future, on making it. Whatever it takes.

To hell? Oh boy, we're already here, you and I. And the gates have closed behind you. There ain't no gettin' back, you knew that when you strayed upon the road that led you here. No matter how far you go, I'll still be here. Patiently waiting for you to fall down again. The sooner you accept it the better. You can close your eyes in denial and run, but in the end, we'll catch up with you. So run, run until your legs can't carry you any longer, run until your lungs burn, run into the unknown. I'll be watching. Waiting. This ain't over yet...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Twist the knife

10.22 PM, Borås, Sweden

Ouch, that hurt.

You look so happy together.


"I break in two over you, oh
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't

Here I'm pinned between darkness and light
Bleached and blinded by these nights
Where I'm tossing and tortured 'til dawn
By you, visions of you then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face
When I hear someone's taken my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you"

00.24 AM

I'm taking over tonight, since your usual humble narrator is too fucked up to come up with something. Poor boy made a mistake, boo-fucking-hoo, and now he's feeling the pain that comes with it. Serves him right. At least he gave it a try, and managed to get further than I expected. But now we're back to normal again. He just couldn't keep his fingers away from all those bottles he had tried to hide in the back of his closet. And now they're singing him to sleep with sinister lullabies, whispering words into his ear about everything he'll never be able to have. Like her. I'm almost starting to grow tired of seeing her face inside his head every fucking day and night. But at least it keeps him bleeding. I'd better go and take a look at what's going on inside his mind right now... see y'all when the insanity kicks in.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Crucify your love

7.39 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Icon And The Black Roses - Crucify Your Love
He is feeling a little bit tired
Of all these disguises he wears to conceal the truth
But now he truly realizes the fully compromise
He took hand in hand with him

Crawl down and take a fall
It’s the fear of what's to come
Maybe he doesn’t know it

There was this little child that used to crawl in the dark
And still had fun
While he listened hours and hours to his midnight radio
And his favourite rock n roll bands

So long he's waited, he feels the wind blows him to his special fate
Hold on does he see?
Watch him does he believe,
Behind these walls there's a whole world to take


Dear diary,

So, I've been quite busy... ah, fuck it. I'll just stop trying to come up with worthless excuses for not writing as often as I should. So here's how it is.

Some things just don't turn out the way you want. People call it "life", and that it is a lesson that all people have to learn, sooner or later. It's a cliché, really, but nevertheless true. I've sure as hell learned my lesson by now. Everything has turned out to be a major fucking disaster. This road I walk upon, this life I choose to live... it has taken me nowhere. For a while I thought I was doing really well, I could feel air beneath my wings, but then I woke up and realized my wings were made of lead, and that I was going down in flames. So I did what I could to save my sorry ass, which means I grabbed the only parachute left and took a leap out into thin air. And now I'm on my way down, waiting for the parachute to unfold. With my luck, it'll probably be full of holes, or maybe I'll get shot down by anti aircraft-fire. What I'm trying to say here is... Fuck. I really don't know.

I told Louis today that I needed some time alone. Some time to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and what I need to do with this life of mine. I know I can't go on like this, running blindfolded in an neverending maze, constantly smashing my bloodied head into concrete walls. I don't want to leave her, I really don't, 'cause my feelings for her are true. She gives me much comfort and makes me feel safe, but I'm the great issue here. If I can't give her anything back, and how could I, when I can't even find myself?, then I'm forced to admit to myself that I can't stay on that course. I'm going to have to do whatever it takes to make me feel good about myself once again, to feel that I am actually living, not only breathing. That includes changing myself into what ever person that is. Yeah... I know what you're all thinking... and you know what? I'm not that bastard you think I am. It's easy to say that I'm only hurting her, and that I don't love her, but what the fuck do y'all know about that? I don't want to leave her... you hear me? i don't want to. But this is not a matter of what I want, it's a matter of what I need to stay alive, to keep me from going too far into insanity's dark dominions.

I don't know what's happening. I feel dizzy from all this thinking, from everything that is going on around me. At least we've found ourselves a new drummer. The music makes everything worthwhile, and once again, I've begun to hope for my dreams to come true. I know we can make it. We can reach that top, as so many before us have done. Perhaps that dream is the only thing that's keeping me alive. I don't know... I just need some change. Or a lot of it, actually. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I'm tired of trying to defend myself against all the lies and trash talk going on, so maybe I'll just become that asshole/bastard/son of a bitch you think I am.

Let's see how you like me then, fuckers...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Venus blue

11.28 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Adept, Adept and some more Adept.
Dear diary,

Speak about the devil... and he'll come rushing out of hiding, striking you with fear and confusion. Once again, I find myself out of touch with reality, and insanity has yet again become my friend. As always, I can't put my finger on what is wrong, but I know enough to say that a whole lot of things are wrong. Really wrong. First thing's first - about my latest doings... they are quite non-existent. Sleeping. Eating. Sleeping. Eating. Occasionally spending some time with Louis. It's all just a big blur, that somehow might have sent me into this state of mind. I've become tired of myself, my whole existence. I can't find any pleasure in anything I do... can't find any meaning in whatever I try to accomplish. I'm just breathing, not living. And if it's one thing I've told you about in the past, it is that I'd rather be dead than not living life to the fullest... and I'm far from that right now.

Had an argument with Marlene earlier, nothing important really, but as always, it left me in a state of anger and confusion. She wanted me to meet her boyfriend, or whatever he is, and I refused since I can't stand to see my exes together with someone else. It has nothing to do with them, they're probably alright, but I just can't handle being around when they're with any of my exes. It's like something in my head is screaming "Fuck you, she's mine, I was there before you.", and I know inside that it's wrong, but I can do nothing to stop feeling this way. So once again, we ended our conversation with stating that we couldn't be friends if I didn't want to meet him. It's strange how she still has the power to make me feel this way, she and everyone else I've ever shared my life with. I'm far too nostalgic for my own good, but I think you've all figured that out by now. Speaking of which... I've been talking to Tina a bit over the internet lately, and even though it's just plain conversation, it makes me feel a bit anxious. I'm trying my best to be polite and so on, but what if I can't manage to hide everything I really want to tell her? She would surely stop talking to me if she knew, and that would be a shame. I don't know... it feels like I need some change, something drastic needs to be done about this whole situation. Maybe I need to be alone for a while... or maybe not. It could give me some time to try and decipher this ongoing puzzle inside my mind, or it could mean that the demons would bury themselves deeper in my thoughts, bringing me to my knees once again. I mean... wouldn't it all be easier if I had to carry my cross alone, and let other people get on with their lives without me? I feel like a burden to each and everyone, and even a burden to myself. Schizophrenia at it's finest - I feel like I'm living separate lives, but both are bringing each other down. Hopeless.

But let's talk about less severe matters. I'll be visiting Småland once again this weekend, my father needed helt with something and I feel like I can't deny him since he has helped me a lot lately, helped with my debts and so on. I'm not too happy about this, being isolated in the middle of nowhere isn't exactly the optimal thing when I'm feeling this way.

I fear I'm about to do something I'm going to regret.
Time for sleep, sweet nightmares comin' up.
Night.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Make it


1 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Adept - "Give Me Back My Dreams You Negligent Whore" and "Shark!Shark!Shark!".
Dear diary,

Nothing new to report really, but I thought I should break the habit of silence I've been practicing against you lately. I should be asleep by now, but had some things to take care of in town. I went to the job centre and got a new appointment, since I missed my last one, and also went an got some application forms for my studies starting in January. I'm having mixed feelings about going back to school again, but altogether it feels different this time. I graduated from high school with bad grades only because I ran out of energy the last year, and didn't finish almost any of the subjects the last year. So there's a lot to catch up on, but now it feels like any knowledge, regardless of what it is, is a welcome addition to my education. I'm looking forward to get the opportunity to show my teachers that I'm actually really smart and talented, as long as I'm into it. From the look of it I'll be spending the next one and a half years studying, but I don't mind, going back to working again just doesn't appeal to me anymore.

Except for that, as said before, nothing new to report. I have no plans for the weekend, maybe I'll be visiting my parents once again to help my father with some things at home. Not really looking forward to anything right now, even though autumn usually is a busy period for me, at least it have been that way for as long as I can remember. We'll see what happens. Oh well, should try and get some sleep now, Louis said she'd maybe stop by here later, and I'm not that fun to be around when I'm too tired. Later y'all.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Mechanical animals

9.24 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • a whole lot of Moonsorrow
Dear diary,

I'm still not feeling too well, but I'm getting better at least. Been worrying all in vain because of all the media reports about that damn disease spreading. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad to have it... after all, I do like staying at hospitals, being taken care of by (hopefully) hot nurses isn't that bad.

So today it's Sunday, the day of rest, but except for last Friday I've been resting pretty much all weekend long. I helped my sister move in her stuff in her new apartment last Friday, it was hard work carrying all that furniture and boxes around, so when I got back home I fell asleep almost instantly. The plan to go home in the evening didn't work out because it took too long to move everything in so there weren't any buses or trains that I could make it to. Instead, I left early on Saturday morning and went to sleep as soon as I got back home in Borås. It feels like I could have kept sleeping through the whole weekend, 'cause I've been doing nothing but sitting on my ass in front of my laptop. Listening to music, playing games, talking to people on MSN or the web... It all feels really pointless. But maybe that's what my existence has turned out to be - pointless. All of my dreams and plans are so real in my head, but I'm doing nothing to make them happen. It is as if my head is too fucking stupid to realize that things don't get moving by themselves, you have to work hard to make your dreams come true. And I'm not lifting even a finger.

This pisses me off, obviously. But does it help that I get mad at myself? No, of course not. Still sitting here. Still doing nothing. Still sleeping my life away. Constantly looking for reasons to blame my apathy on. Is it my mental state? Most definitely. I think that in order to become creative and dedicated again, I need to kill the skeletons in my closet, and tear out the demons inside my head... but that has proved itself to be impossible so far. If anything, it has only led to an even worse condition than before. So maybe I'm avoiding the fact that I'm too fucked up to function, only because that insight leads to too much pain and mental suffering. I'm getting more and more certain of that. But don't worry, diary, I won't stop telling you about all the insanity that goes on inside of my head. I'll give you something right now.

I'm starting to scare myself. There are things I'm afraid to tell the people that are close to me even if they have become fewer and fewer over the last months... simply because the things I want to tell them would push them further away from me. But let's forget that other people are reading this shit for a while.

I can't seem to find my feelings. I don't know when all this doubt started, but it has become clear to me during the last few weeks that I'm not able to enjoy things the way I used too. I cannot find pleasure or amusement in pretty much anything. Everything I do, whether it's playing, singing, meeting other people, or even spending time with myself reading, writing or just thinking, I can't enjoy the way I used too. I'm constantly in a state of restlessness, only being able to do one thing for a limited amount of time before it gets boring or uninteresting. Where I've before found great pleasure and joy, I now only find despair and irritation. This applies to everything I carry out, and even applies to how I feel about other people. I can't give any honest feelings anymore, I can't sense love, joy or trust on most occations I've been able to feel it before. Ask a doctor or a therapist, and he would tell you that this is a typical symptom for depression or other mental illnesses... and we already know I'm suffering from a variety of such. But back to only 2 months ago, I would suffer from this in solitude, not putting any weight or guilt upon any others. But now I have my girl, and it scares the living hell out of me that I'm not feeling as strongly as I should. I mean, I love her... I really do, 'cause she supports me in every way and gives me much strength and comfort. She's my safety, and in her arms I feel like nothing can hurt me. But what if this is only an illusion? What if I've been lying to myself, telling myself that I can love again just like everyone else, and is doing everything on routine? It's frightening to think that way, but it might just be the truth. And I will never forgive myself if I hurt another girl once again, only because of my own vacuousness and fucked up mind. She doesn't deserve to have it like this, having a boyfriend who loves her, but can't tell how it feels, 'cause he's forgotten how to really love someone.

I know you're reading this baby, and maybe you're gonna start worrying about us. I would too, but talk to me, and tell me you understand, and we'll work this out, one way or another. I refuse to give up the battle this easily, but if we lose, at least I gave it a last try before I finally give up hope on myself ever being well again. This breaks my heart... and you know what? I kinda' like the feeling, cause' if I can feel it, it means I still have a piece of it left that still can feel. Maybe it's the last dying piece, or maybe it's a growing piece. Time will tell.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Dusk and summer

5.13 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Pink Floyd - Time
Dear diary,

I'm sick as a dog... I've gotten a badass cold combined with fever and a horrible headache, which leads me to thinking that I've gotten that swine flu everyone keeps talking about. Or maybe it's just a regular cold. Either way, I'm still not in the mood to write anything of importance today, I just want to sleep through this thing and get back to you when my mind is clear and I'm not sneezing and coughing every other second. So... until then.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Save us

1.55 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • The Kin - the "Rise and Fall" album.
Dear diary,

I guess it's time for an update, but as usual, I have trouble finding both the courage and the energy to begin dealing with what goes on inside my head. But let's give a shot, shall we? Here's a quick sitrep.

- Attraction is no more. Just a couple of days ago, out of nowhere, our guitarist decided to join another band, of course without telling us. So once again, it's just me and Johan left. For now, at least.

- I've been spending the weekend in Småland, partying with my friends (and non-friends, too!). All in all, I had a great time though.

- Because of the obvious band issues, we didn't rehearse as planned on Sunday.

I believe there are a few other things worth telling you about, but since there are other people reading this (curious motherfuckers!) I think it's best to leave it out of here, to protect the guilty and the innocent. So... about that sudden band break up, if you can call it that. Ever since Makkey left us to play with Danger, things haven't been that positive, and I felt as if I was the only one who wanted to continue playing. We had trouble to get everyone together and rehearse, everyone was busy doing something else and never wanted or could rehearse. And come to think of it, that makes the whole "we don't rehearse often enough"-thing our guitarist said was the reason he left us kinda strange. But anyway, we're not a band anymore, but I'm determined to find a new band as fast as possible. I have been talking to another band from Jönköping, but they've not decided if they're interested yet. They only want a lead singer, but if things turn out right I can bring Johan with me and maybe replace their old bass player. I wouldn't want to leave him anyway, we've been planning to form a band for too long to let go of our dream now. Which leads me to another issue. I will try to choose my words carefully.

I fear I'm losing my best friend. Me and Johan have been friends for almost ten years now, and I feel our friendship has grown stronger for every passing year. We've been through so much crazy stuff together, everything from breaking into places to creating music together, and I can honsetly say he truly is my very best friend. And for the last few months, we have been drifting away from each other. We don't see each other as often as we used to, he is often occupied with his job or with his girlfriend, and I sometimes felt neglected, but when we met we always had a great time together. But now, something has changed. Ever since he started spending time together with "her" (yeah, you know I mean YOU) and her friends, and ever since she got her grudge against me, for reasons unknown, he has started to turn away from me. Until now, I have been able to accompany them, but since the last dispute between "her" and me, things have turned real sour. It has now gotten to the point where I can no longer spend time with him, as long as he's in their company, and she knows that. Whether it's a devilish plan, or pure fucking malice, she is slowly and effectively prohibiting me from spending time with my best friend.

As much as I'd like to tell her to fuck off and leave my friends alone, he has a will of his own, and today I got the message that he'd rather spend time with them, because he didn't want to "choose between friends", and that pretty much tells me everything about his intentions. So now he'll be going to Stockholm on the 7th to watch a Mr.Big concert together with her and Makkey. As she put it, they are her best friends, and she didn't want me to come along because I wasn't her friend any longer. Strange how that works, eh? From being close, to being a total stranger, all because of her jealousy. I'd better stop writing about this now, before I start getting real unfriendly. But give me a sharp object, a dark alley and her in it...

So... yeah, things could be better. At least I'm not burdened by all my debts any longer, my father received his payment for the auction of our farm at home, and has payed all my debts, which is a considerable amount of money. I have the best father ever, and he has always been supportive no matter how bad I've behaved in the past against them. Thanks, dad, for being there for me.

Except for that, there are a million other thoughts floating around inside my head, and I feel I can't let them out all at once. That would probably cause another panic attack, and I'm sure as hell doing fine without that. I'll be going back to Småland this morning to help my sister move into her new apartment, hopefully I'll be able to catch a train back to Borås in the evening. Until then.

"It's late september and all I remeber is you dear
With falllen leaves I get back on my knees to surrender
Why did you run?
Why did you run?
When I'm right here
It's all gonna be the same, when you get there.

Now that we see the signs can we walk this line together?
Now that we know it's time can we walk this line together?"

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Miserable at best

4.53 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Iron Maiden - the "Somewhere In Time" album
Dear diary,

I didn't intend to write anything tonight, but I figured I could take some time to at least leave a short note here. Tomorrow (today?) I'll be going to Jönköping to party with the band and some other friends, looking forward to it. On Sunday we're (hopefully) gonna record our version of Guns N' Roses "Patience", since it didn't work out last weekend. I'm really psyched about this, I think it's gonna sound great and it's also something we can show people until we've found a new drummer and finished our demo.

My head is so full of thoughts I swear I can feel it bursting at the seams at some times. The last week has been so confusing, in many ways, and I have begun to doubt many things I never would have thought I'd doubt before. I'm really not sure how to explain this, but in some way it feels like something has opened up inside of me. If it's a bleeding wound or if it's a stairway to heaven, I don't know. But I sure hope for the latter. Autumn is on its way, and I greet it with open arms. For as long as I can remember, the time of the year when everything withers and dies, is the time I feel most alive. Strange how that works. Oh well, I'm off to bed. Later y'all.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Star/Fool

9.47 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Dubmood - various tracks
Dear diary,

All of a sudden I feel the need to change who I am... I can't explain it too well, but I'm getting the feeling that everything I do, I do wrong. I behave wrong, I act wrong, I say the wrong things... everything I am, I need to change into... I don't know, something better? More mature, more educated, more articulate, more self-aware and secure. I look at other people, and the way the act, the things they say, and I want to be them so bad. Not them but their persona, and the way they carry themselves throughout life. I carry so many different faces, adapt my personality to whatever changes come into my everyday life. I'm a different person for every situation imaginable, a thousand masks to change between. And it has only taken me so far. Don't get me wrong, I never wanna grow up. I never want to be considered as an adult, at least not in some meanings of the word. But I want to behave more mature, even if that means that I have to drop some of my beloved interests, that by definition are "childish" or "immature". And I still havenät decided if that is a far too great loss.

I feel... translucent. As if people can see right through me, like thin mist. Sure, I have a personality... but what impression do I make on others? How do they see me? I'm not sure, but I'm getting the feeling that most people don't take me seriously. And I can't have it that way. Something has to be done, that's for sure. But I still haven't figured out what it is yet.

Other than that... things are the same as always. I give the "meaningless subsistence" a new face.
And I can't have it like that.