Monday, November 30, 2009

Rock and roll

That's where you'll find me from now on.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Closing act

9.26 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

About damn time you guys get an update, they're far too rare nowadays. I'm honestly thinking of putting this blog to rest and get a new one that I will write in Swedish on, since there are certain people who misinterpret things I write and get mad about them for no reason at all. Anyway, about that update.

The following entry does no longer bear any significance. That cunt betrayed me in the worst possible way, therefore she doesn't deserve to be mentioned here. A sheep in wolves clothing, a coward among cowards, her memory will be erased and never again spoken of. You're dead to me.

I've found a girl. A special girl, who I believe could really be "the one". You know, the one true love they talk about in all those movies and books about love, the one you never thought you'd find... and then one day, she just appears right in front of you, from nowhere. Shining more brightly than anything you've ever laid eyes on before, making your heart beat so fast you can swear it'll burst at any moment. It's strange how that works, love... you spend your life chasing after it, desperately wanting to feel it, but it never really gets true until you stop chasing it and let it come to you instead. Like she came to me. A few years ago, none of this would have made sense. That I would be sitting here tonight, with a heart so full of love for this woman and my mind spinning around, getting high on the feeling she gives me just by smiling or laughing. Love at first sight - isn't that something that the books and movies have copyrighted? Does it exist in real life as well? I used to think so, before I got my heart broken so many times that I didn't believe anyone could make it whole again. Until now.

The first time I laid eyes on her it was on her blog. Back then, just a few months ago, she was still together with her ex, Love, probably most known as "Terry Blade" from the sleaze band Redlight Attraction. I knew who he was, and at first I thought she seemed far too vain and bragged about her "famous rock n' roll singer-boyfriend", which afterwards mostly seemed to be because of my jealosy of everyone who's more successful than me. But then something changed, I couldn't resist checking her profile, reading through her blog, only getting more and more intrigued by her appearance and sheer attractiveness. Then, out of nowhere, she became single again. He left her. I mentioned this in an earlier post, referring to it as and "I want-feeling", but back then I could never imagine we would be so close today. It's almost as if it was meant to be. I often think about this, the way we make our decisions and how they guide us through life in an advanced chain reaction. What if I hadn't made that decision three years ago? Where would I be today? Even the smallest thing can be made into something really important, merely by stepping outside my door I'm making a decision that will perhaps change my life, and others as well. We're all on the same map, just tiny little markers moving around in different directions, trying to find our way through to the other side, or just trying to find our way home. Like me. And then you bump into someone, and leave a dent, a mark, a memory that he or she will carry with him for the rest of his/her life. Something that didn't mean anything in the beginning can suddenly get essential for your whole existence. My mind just spins faster and faster with such thoughts running through, but its calming in a way, to be able to grasp the very foundations of our human mind.

I'm getting off track... a far too common thing nowadays. I was meaning to tell you all how this came to be, that I now no longer walk alone. With her by my side, I feel safe again. Things aren't perfect, they never get perfect, but this is something new to me. For the first time since my mind started to refuse co-operating all those years ago, I feel relaxed and safe with her. We've only known each other for two weeks, been together for two days, but it could as well be 2 years. I can connect to her on so many levels, even if there's always gonna be a little shyness in the beginning. I can't explain how thrilled I am, just walking into this big adventure, not knowing where I'll end up or how things will evolve from now. Maybe it was time for leaving everything bad behind me, and starting over again, never looking back. I think my past will always haunt me, for as long as I live, but I'm never going to stop running. The speed blur makes everything so beautiful, and when I'm free from conscience I feel alive, ready to take on any obstacle I meet. Maybe things will turn out just fine, maybe they won't - I really don't care anymore. I'm going to stop worrying, stop trying to dig deeper into my past to find answers who never were there from the beginning, all while never looking further forward than my eyes can see. Taking chances, live my life day by day and not worrying about tomorrow - and that just might work.

Things aren't working out as they should, we're still a guitar player short of being a full band, we still have a demo to record, I still suffer from terrible stage fright, I doubt my own capabilities when it comes to fronting a band and to have the voice to back it up, I still dream nightmares about the past, I still get mental breakdowns, I'm still paranoid as hell, and I still can't seem to move forward as fast as I would like, or as fast as I know I could. But what the hell, complaining about it doesn't make it any better, does it? Damn right it doesn't. I could name a thousand other things that's bothering me, but for what purpose? Is everyone reading this going to make a change? Hell no. So I'll try to stop doing that, since it only backfires all the time anyway. And maybe that's where you and me take separate ways. You' been with me through a lot, diary, and I admire your ability to listen without interrupting... for the most part, at least. You've been my only escape at some times, spilling my anguish on these virtual pages like blood on a battlefield. When I'm trying to let go of the past, it means I have to let go of you as well. But I leave you with a smile, and I'm saving every post I've ever written here as a memory of the times gone by, to bring out someday in the future, wherever I am, to remember, to cry, to laugh, but most importantly - to know where I came from, what made me into the person I am today, the person I am tomorrow and the person I will continue to be as long as I walk this earth...

... which I no longer walk alone upon. She is so amazingly beautiful I get tears in my eyes just by looking at her. Never before have things felt so right, and I can't wait to see where fate takes us next. She made me realize there are still things left in life to savor, new places to see, new experiences, new things to learn. I might get older and older, but I'm still young at heart, with a burning desire to explore everything around me. Just like a baby, I sometimes hurt myself playing with fire, but nevertheless I get a rush whenever I get close to the flame next time. It feels as if I'm in the beginning of something beautiful, something that will change my life forever. I'm so glad I found you, Zandra. I'm so glad I get to kiss you, hold you, love you in all the ways I can. This is the beginning, this is us together into the unknown, tightly holding hands as we walk down this road. And I've never been happier together with anyone.

So... this is getting confusing even for me, I can imagine how you readers feel. I could go on and on, but let's wrap this up one final time, shall we? I still feel as if I have things to say, so there might be a post every now and then, but I'll try and stick to my new blog instead. You know how I easily get nostalgic and start missing things I've experience before. But for now, this is officially closed down. All of you who have been with me, as readers, through this nightmare ride - thanks for reading, even if you've only read a post before you got tired of my emo bitching and pessimistic view of the world. I never though anyone would have the patience to read through another persons diary, for that is what it is, a simple diary. But for the few people that actually have an interest in my life, this page is great. I promise to post a link to my new blog shortly.

So... with the words of Nikki Sixx, from "Home Sweet Home", lets put this thing to rest one final (?) time. Cause' his words couldn't have been more true, I'm on my way home. And her arms is the closest I've come yet. Until next time, everyone.

Love, Sid.

You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away high
So I wouldn't come home low

Just when things went right
Doesn't mean they were always wrong
Just take this song and you'll never feel
Left all alone

Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And I'm comin' off this
Long and winding road

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home

You know that I've seen
Too many romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin' off the silver screen

My heart's like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
Just set me free
Home sweet home

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Ready when you are

5.57 AM. Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Too tired to write anything of importance tonight... or this morning, whatever it is. Just wanted to say that I'm looking forward to seeing Zandra today, though I'm nervous as hell. Things have changed since we last talked, and now I'm starting to believe that she's what I've been looking for all my life. Everything about her is just perfect, almost dream-like... and it both frightens and fascinates me. Anyway, we'll see what happens tomorrow (today, that is), and maybe, just maybe, I've finally come to that fork in the road where I have to pick which road to follow. Let's just hope that I choose the right one, 'cause there ain't no turning back once you've started walking those endless miles.

Regardless of which path I choose, I would want her to walk by my side.
Off to a few hours of sleep, night everyone.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Queen of the night

2.03 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Dear diary,

So I've been at my parents home for a day now... so far so good. But ever since I got here I've had this strange feeling I can't seem to get off my mind. It's hard to put into words, but some strange mixture of loneliness, paranoia and just feeling uneasy. The loneliness is the worst right now, it feels like I'm about to burst into tears at any given moment. I just want someone to hold me, so I can feel safe again. Other than that, not much is new... don't know when I'll go back to town again, even though I actually have something to look forward to when I get back there. Been speaking some more to Zandra, and she wanted to see me again, which is great news. She was even more beautiful in real life than I could ever have imagined, and though I was nervous as hell, she seemed to have a calming effect on me. In some way, it felt like we had known each other for a long time. Needless to say, I was enchanted by her stunning looks and great personality, which further developed my infatuation. Once again, diary, I am beginning to think that I'm falling in love. And yeah, you're right - I'm going to say the same thing again; "It feels different this time around."

But I'm damn right it does. I feel as if everything I do is like a new adventure, and for the first time ever I'm not afraid to spread my wings and just throw myself out into the skies. So what if they're full of holes, or made of lead? I'm going to enjoy the view on my way down, in that case, so don't you worry. I'm so bad at trying to hide my enthusiasm for such matters as this, and often it turns out I'm wrong about everything and have to feel the shame for taking it for granted. But even if that's the case this time around too, I won't hide that she makes me happy just by saying she feels somewhat the same. And baby, I know you're reading this - I'm sorry if I have gotten it all wrong, but you're so attractive I can't help it. We would make such a beautiful couple.

Today's gonna be kinda' nice actually, it was my fathers birthday yesterday (congratz, dad!) so today a whole lot of releatives are gonna show up here and celebrate him, which equals a lot of cake and various sweets. Nom. You know... it's like I go through a transformation whenever I get here. I come into this house wearing a mask, the one I wear everyday when I'm at home in Borås or with my friends, then I take it off and travel back four years in time when I still lived here, worked every day at the farm and didn't have a clue of what was waiting for me in the future. It feels both great and awful at the same time... I enjoy the hard work, it keeps you focused and keeps you from thinking too much. Just hard work, where you can see very clear results at the end of the day, and then you stop working and your mind gets back into city-mode, and you start missing a fast broadband connection, having a store close and being able to meet your friends without traveling 40 kilometers to the nearest train station. I know I can't stand being here longer than a few days, but that does it for me. I go back, and enjoy living in a town more than I did before, so it has its purposes being here after all. But just to complain a bit, for the sake of complaining itself, I'll end this post with a classic lyric from Guns N' Roses "Down On The Farm". Night y'all.

All I need is some inspiration
Before I do somebody some harm
I feel just like a vegetable
Down here on the farm

Nobody comes to see me
Nobody here to turn me on
I ain't even got a lover
Down here on the farm

They told me to get healthy
They told me to get some sun
But boredom eats me like cancer
Down here on the farm

Drinkin' lemonade shanty
Ain't nobody here to do me harm
But I'm like a fish out of water
Down here on the farm

I wrote a thousand letters
Till my fingers all gone numb
But I never see no postman
Down here on the farm

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Colours of rain

2.41 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

It feels like I have reached a point where everything just has stopped making sense. A moment of clarity, yet it is tainted by an inexplicable force that is driving me insane. I can not see the veils, for they are too close to my eyes. There is only darkness in front of me, but in the darkness there are also light. Small spots of light, drifting around in the void. Most of the spots consists of the people that help me keep breathing, but some are also made of my dreams and hopes, my interests and the things I enjoy. I've become far too reliant, far too depending on other things but my own self to keep myself alive. I cling to matters that have been long lost for me, I seek comfort in memories of sunny days when everything I needed was a smile and a kiss, and I was content. Now, these dark matters at hand drive me towards greed and a burning desire for more. I desire so many things, and when I get them, they almost instantly become obsolete in my hands, and I throw them away and start yearning for bigger, better things. This is my curse.

I do not have much to tell you about my everyday doings, since they aren't that important anyway. The only thing that matters nowadays is that my need to evolve and find new places, new things to enjoy is satisifed. And by the look of things, it isn't going very well. Most days I feel hopelessly out of place, like someone placed me in a play I do not want to take part in, but is forced to anyway because I need the money it pays to survive. All while dreaming away during the nights, dreaming of large stages with thousands of people screaming my name, riches and beautiful women. Power, the ability to become totally independent. To be able to influence the world, or even become powerful enough to rule it. You'll call me mad, even me myself does it every now and then, but my mind works in mysterious ways. Though it often decieves me and plots against me, on some rare occasions we find a balance, and then work in the same direction, against the same target. I know I'm smart, even smarter than most people around me. Maybe that's why I feel alienated from the rest of humanity. Like I know something they don't, and I know I really do. I've got what it takes, they don't. To seize something that's already been coming straight towards you shouldn't be considered as something awful. If only I could find the peace of mind I need to put my plans in motion.

Another issue that has been bothering me lately... I can't seem to find the same enthusiasm in sex that I used to have before. Just a couple of years ago, I could sleep with almost anything that had a pussy and tits, but then I found myself a girlfriend, fucked her 'til we both got tired of fucking each other, and then did the same thing twice and then... here we are. I've gotten into a lot of situations where I've consciously said no to sex with a girl, just because of this trouble I'm having. Everytime I try to get aroused and have sex with a girl, it is af is my body freezes. I can't find any attraction towards her, even if she's really sexy. And no, anyone who thinks I'm gay will get a punch in the teeth. I know that's not the case. More likely, it has gotten to the point where I've become so unsure of myself that I can't show myself in front of others. The mask has become such an obstruction that it prohibits me from doing what I once enjoyed so much. Just the few past weeks there have been lots of moments where I found out my head wants to fuck the chick I have laying next to me, but my body doesn't obey. Not even when I have been drinking it wants to co-operate. And it only gets worse. Sex keeps me alive, without it I lose even more of my passion for life, and those reserves are running dangerously low as it is. Enough complaining.

You know, this whole "don't worry, be happy" things has really worked out so far. Sure, there are times when I fall through the gaps and get depressed over things, but for the most part, I'm doing fine. Things aren't perfect, but then again, nothing will ever be perfect for me, ever. I'm looking forward to things more than before, and every day seems like a new adventure even though they usually consist of me waking up, sitting in front of the computer, and then go to bed 12 hours later again. At least I'm alive, I have plans and dreams and I look into the future and see something good just waiting to happen. Talking of things about to happen, tomorrow I'll meet this girl, whom I've mentioned before, Zandra. We've talked for a while over the Internet and she really gets to me. She's so damn attractive, and really brings out that childish "I want it now!-feeling" in me. But as always, I doubt myself on such matters. She seems to be ready to start a new relationship, and by the looks of it, she's already found a worthy candidate. But I cannot help feeling that we should fit perfectly together. We have so much in common, and she seems to understand me in a way not many others do. I'm nervous as hell, I always get like this when I'm about to meet with someone for the first time. Always striving to make a great first impression. Things really doesn't get better with her being so pretty and all... but we'll see. Maybe Mr.Pathetic gets a new rival tomorrow. And I know who would win that fight.

I was meaning to get a few hours of sleep before 7 AM when I should start doing the laundry, but that seems unnecessary at the moment, since it would only help making me even more tired when I wake up. Maybe I'll just lay down and close my eyes and see what happens. Later y'all.

Sunday, November 1, 2009


2.36 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I guess I knew it all along... I'm officially lost again.

she'll fake a smile when the timing's right
but that cunt will stab you in the back
her eyes are set to make it to the top
she spreads her legs like a swing-door opens up
my bad, I started this rumour,
that you sell your mouth for a dollar
and if I know her right, that precious little whore,
she's on her back screaming out for more