Miserable at best

4.53 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Iron Maiden - the "Somewhere In Time" album

Dear diary,

I didn't intend to write anything tonight, but I figured I could take some time to at least leave a short note here. Tomorrow (today?) I'll be going to Jönköping to party with the band and some other friends, looking forward to it. On Sunday we're (hopefully) gonna record our version of Guns N' Roses "Patience", since it didn't work out last weekend. I'm really psyched about this, I think it's gonna sound great and it's also something we can show people until we've found a new drummer and finished our demo.

My head is so full of thoughts I swear I can feel it bursting at the seams at some times. The last week has been so confusing, in many ways, and I have begun to doubt many things I never would have thought I'd doubt before. I'm really not sure how to explain this, but in some way it feels like something has opened up inside of me. If it's a bleeding wound or if it's a stairway to heaven, I don't know. But I sure hope for the latter. Autumn is on its way, and I greet it with open arms. For as long as I can remember, the time of the year when everything withers and dies, is the time I feel most alive. Strange how that works. Oh well, I'm off to bed. Later y'all.

Star/Fool

9.47 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Dubmood - various tracks

Dear diary,

All of a sudden I feel the need to change who I am... I can't explain it too well, but I'm getting the feeling that everything I do, I do wrong. I behave wrong, I act wrong, I say the wrong things... everything I am, I need to change into... I don't know, something better? More mature, more educated, more articulate, more self-aware and secure. I look at other people, and the way the act, the things they say, and I want to be them so bad. Not them but their persona, and the way they carry themselves throughout life. I carry so many different faces, adapt my personality to whatever changes come into my everyday life. I'm a different person for every situation imaginable, a thousand masks to change between. And it has only taken me so far. Don't get me wrong, I never wanna grow up. I never want to be considered as an adult, at least not in some meanings of the word. But I want to behave more mature, even if that means that I have to drop some of my beloved interests, that by definition are "childish" or "immature". And I still havenät decided if that is a far too great loss.

I feel... translucent. As if people can see right through me, like thin mist. Sure, I have a personality... but what impression do I make on others? How do they see me? I'm not sure, but I'm getting the feeling that most people don't take me seriously. And I can't have it that way. Something has to be done, that's for sure. But I still haven't figured out what it is yet.

Other than that... things are the same as always. I give the "meaningless subsistence" a new face.
And I can't have it like that.

Charcoal heart

8.18 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Antonio Pinto - "Lord Of War" soundtrack
• The Kin- Together
• Lapush - Aurora

"On your side, lets talk about everything
Got no time for words that you've already heard
Say my name when you want to, you just leave when you want to
We're still here, we're still alive

Write your name in the stars
I am trying to heal your heart"

Dear diary,

It seems like we've been through this before. I'm not even gonna try to explain why I haven't been writing in you for the past few days. Things are... difficult right now. I lack the energy... and the courage, frankly, to spill my heart on these virtual blank pages. Not that anyone bothers reading it, but if I was writing only because of that, I would have stopped long ago. No, this is not only therapy, it's also something frightening, because of the emotions it stirs up inside of me. I can go on for days at a time without feeling that familiar old pain in my chest, telling me that I'm tainted by the thing most people call "love". The whole expression has become like a mantra inside my head, constantly repeating itself like a bad horror movie stuck in the VCR, constantly bringing fear and confusion into my everyday life. I look upon myself as a cripple, only my limbs and body aren't disfigured, but my mind is... in a very bad way.

Are you getting confused? Cause' I'm sure as hell doing it. This evening is pretty much like every other evening, I sit here in front of this glowing screen, hour after hour, staring blankly at whatever entertainment I find for the moment. But every once in a while, a part of my brain that usually spends its time slumbering, wakes up and decides to put in a comment in the constantly ongoing debate between my body, my heart and my brain. And more than often, it ends in me getting some sort of insight, which itself leads to me burying myself in old memories. We exchanged a few words today, shallow words that probably didn't mean anything to any of us. "How's school". "That's nice. Best of luck". And all I wanted to do was scream - with the most articulate words and expressions I could ever find - I MISS YOU. IMISSYOUIMISSYOUIMISSYOU. I miss everything, well, not everything, cause' everything wasn't good, but everything that was, I miss. I miss waking up every morning when it was still as dark outside as it was in my room, and knowing you were right there next to me, your breathing as soothing as the warmth of sunlight on a cold winter day. Knowing that wherever I was, whatever I was doing, I was carrying a piece of your heart to fill out the empty space I left when I gave my whole heart to you. I didn't need a beat to keep track of where we were going, I always knew we wouldn't last for long. That's how fire works, the brighter it burns, the faster the flame dies. But I'd like to think that there's still some embers left deep down there under all the ashes. I can feel them, at least.

I don't know. I'm being stupid again. Why miss something that you lost because of your very own stupidity, and disability to spot the lights from a freight train when it's coming your way in the speed of light? That seems to be the pattern from which I've made my decisions so far in life, always with a bit of regret, always acting on impulses and what feels right for the moment. It serves me right things turned out the way they did. But I still cannot accept a defeat, I never could. And never will. As long as there is blood pumping through my veins, and as long as my heart beats somewhat regularly, I'll keep hoping, fighting, dreaming, wishing, breathing. And if that isn't good enough for you, then at least I've tried. And that means something, as much as you'd like to hide it, it really does.

Hey, aren't you forgetting something, pretty boy?

What?

You heard me. You can't write shit like this in a diary you -know- she reads. You'll hurt her feelings. But then again... we've always been good at that. I never should have mentioned it...

Don't you worry. She knows. I've told her that I'm a wreck, and in some way, I believe she can see through my lies, even if she doesn't bother to tell me that she knows all about it, she still gets it. I'm both as happy as could be, and as deep down in this lingering darkness as I've ever been before. I am starting to fear the worst... the last few weeks have been stormy, with constant ups and downs, never any stability whatsoever. But there is something that's been building inside, merely an impression, that maybe... maybe, I've forgotten how to love. Or lost the ability to feel love, passion and intimacy as deep as I've felt it before. I've been desperately been searching for answers to why I'm becoming this way, or even if it is true at all. But the fear remains, and is another added weight on my leaded wings, further increasing the speed at which I plunge deeper into the dark spheres of madness and mental sickness. I fear I'm losing the last battle of my soul, that I'm slowly transforming fully into the beast I've been trying to keep locked inside for so many years. I fear I'm losing everything I've ever held sacred, everything I've ever wanted to love and keep safe.

You brought it upon yourself. Always remember that. If it's your guilty conscience that is weighing you down, allow me to put another heavy load on your back. She loves you. Yes, she does, she tells you she loves you. Can you live with not being able to answer her feelings with the same heat and intensity? Can you live with being just an empty shell of a man, trying to make his way through a life that already has been lost, condemned. You know there's always a place for you in Hell, just take a step and it will all be over. You'll feel at home with all the murderers, rapists, arsonists and thieves. Their conscience is as heavy as yours, and you've all lost that piece inside your heart that makes you truly human. Not that it matters now, you're far to stubborn to realize that you're fighting a losing battle. The weapons you wield are rusty, your armor is falling apart and your enemies are far too many for you to handle. But I like seeing you struggle. At least you look alive while you're doing it, burning brightly as you try to master every obstacle put in front of you. But then again, the brightest flame burns quickest, and you're almost out of fuel. Only moments away...

Shut up. You forget that I've been getting used to your poisonous words over the last few years. And I'm starting to think that I'm finally beginning to learn how to ignore them. Not fully, but still enough. And time is running out on me for now, I have other things to do...

Oh yeah? Like what? Mourn another one of your losses? Get just a little bit more insane? Yearn for everything you want, but cannot get?

...once I can make you shut up. I'll make it happen. Just like that. Poof. Gone. I'm moving on. I'm moving on, everythings alright. I'm alright. I'm fine.



I'm not alright.

Set me on fire

10.44 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Guns N' Roses - Patience

Dear diary,

I'll be visiting Småland over the weekend, so I will probably not be writing in you until next week. It's not that I'm busy, just that my inspiration is even worse there... Today has been nice, spent the day in town together with my baby, her friend Gabriella and Sebastian, who now is her boyfriend. Things change fast, but I think it's for the better. They look real cute together. Anyway, I really enjoyed being around friends again, and it was long ago I felt comfortable doing that. Since the sun was shining and the temperature was nice, there was a lot of people in town, and it made me feel a bit freaked out, but as soon as I got in the company of Louis and the others it disappeared almost entirely. It feels like I need to to things like this more often, just get out and be around people or friends, and maybe I'll get used to it. The sun was a real pain in the ass today, still haven't gotten those test results back, and I fear the worst. There are no records of the disease in my family, but some doctors think it may appear through some mutation of the DNA or something like that. But deep inside, I know it's not some kind of disease or illness. It's a fucking curse.

My head is killing me right now, so I'm off to bed. Maybe I leave a little note tomorrow before I leave. Night.

Who do you hurt now

12.07 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

I really don't have anything to write about...or... actually I have everything to write about. But lately I've been finding it hard to transform all my thoughts into words. I'm probably just having one of those periods again, when everything creative in my mind is reduced to zero. Nothing is really working out the way it should right now, I'm just... floating through life, living in some form of static that effectively prohibits me from moving forward or evolve myself to the next stage. As irritating as it is, I still can't do a damn thing about it. It's just... I don't know...

I feel so lost.

Don't damn me

3.35 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Icon And The Black Roses - Who Do You Hurt Now

Dear diary,

I haven't been writing in you for quite a while now, and I could probably come up with a hundred different excuses, but they would have all been lies. Truth is I'm scared to write in you, because everytime I do, I remind myself of the chaos inside my head. For once, things have been quite good lately. My subsitence is as meaningless as usual, with empty days and nights, with an occasional visit from my girl now and then, but except for that I am doing nothing. Zero. Business as usual. But I've still been able to keep the voices down, just acting like everything's alright, and that's the main reason I've been avoiding writing in you. But I'm giving it a shot now.

As I said I haven't been up to much since I last wrote in you, went to Falköping this weekend to watch a friends band, they were having their debut gig at a local pub. Had a great time, despite the horrible hangover the day after. Haven't got much planned this week, it looks like I'll be going back to Småland for the weekend, my parents wanted me at home so they could celebrate my birthday at the 21st, and also a friend is celebrating her birthday on Saturday and maybe I'll go to the club with her and some friends since she'll be 18 (legal drinking age in Sweden). I've been talking to the band and we're probably gonna record some acoustic songs since we're one drummer short nowadays, if everyone's available this weekend that is. First song we've decided to play is Guns N' Roses "Patience", looking forward to the result.

I can't think of anything else to write right now, so as usual, I'll have to get back to y'all.

Freeze and pixelate

9.27 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• a whole lot of Monster Magnet

Dear diary,

Keepin' things real short for today, this whole "getting-up-early"-thing is making me so fuckin' tired. I guess I'll get used to it. So tomorrow I'll be going home to Småland to visit my parents. I'll be going back here on Friday again, then I'll probably head to Falköping on Saturday, if I can afford it that is. A friend's band is playing at a local pub, and also there's another event going on in the evening, Maratonrock, where a lot of local bands play. There's gonna be some serious alcohol consumption, that's for sure. Anyway, tired as hell and missing my baby, going to bed now, later y'all.

If we cry we will rust

8.26 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• a lot of Mötley, Guns N' Roses and Monster Magnet

Dear diary,

Today has been quite unusual. Yesterday I decided I'd try to go to bed earlier, so I feel asleep around 8 PM in the evening. I had some laundry to do in the morning and had set the alarm clock to 6.30, but I honestly didn't believe I would wake up. But I did, and I got up, had some coffee, got the laundry done and then stayed awake until it was time to go downtown and join Louis and her friend My for dinner at Louis's place. I'm tired as hell right now, but it feels kinda' nice to be honest. The nights are my time of the day, but it's a dysfunctional life to live. Everyone's usually asleep at night except me, so the nights are lonely, which really isn't good for my mental stability right now. So I'm giving this a shot now, trying to be awake during the day instead of going to bed around 10 AM every day. Let's see how long I can maintain before falling back into old habits again.

It didn't go without some trouble though, I'm not used to being outside when there's so many people around, and I felt insecure and freaked out while walking down to the city on my own, it felt like everyone was looking at me like I'm some freak that doesn't belong in society. I feel that way all the time now, like I have to hide from all the people because of the way I look, or because of the way I act. I just feel so helpless... it wasn't long ago I actually felt good about myself and could handle being around people, but now... it's just a nightmare. But I'm trying to learn to handle it again, and maybe being awake during daytime will help too. On the way back home, me and Louis visited her friend Gabriella at the hospital, she's been ill for some time but felt better and was transferred from the hospital in Varberg to the one here in Borås. I also met Sebastian who had been keeping her company during the afternoon, and we sat outside and talked for a while until I had to go to the store before it closed. And now I'm sitting here, about to go to bed and missing Louis badly. She really makes this all worthwhile, and I miss her every second I'm away from her. Sometimes I pinch myself just to see if I'm awake or if this is only a dream, but so far it seems real... but still, too good to be true. I'm just gonna shut up now...

Night. (8.50 PM, DAMN I'm good.)

Beast you've made of me

11.40 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• Florence And The Machine - Howl

Dear diary,

Why do I keep hurting myself? Why do I have this uncontrollable urge to wallow myself in my own pain and suffering? Why can't I stop myself from doing things that I know will hurt me? I have no answer, other than that I might be slowly killing myself.

It can't go on like this. She is clearly better off without me, and sometimes I like to think that maybe I can become someone desireable, someone who she could love again. She's always been a sucker for those types of people. But I'm on a steady route to nothingness, and my dreams are slipping away, out of my hands, and I can't seem to do anything to stop it from happening. I've become a nobody, and no one wants a nobody, right? Right. I shouldn't be looking at her pictures, shouldn't be looking at his pictures, shouldn't be thinking about her. It's wrong to myself, and wrong to those I love. But can I stop myself from doing it? No, not a fucking chance. I know it's gonna hurt when I see how beatiful she has become, I know it's gonna feel like a fucking knife trhough my heart when I see how he's so much better than me, more beautiful than me, more experienced than me. I'm fighting a war with myself that has been going on for as long as I can remember, a civil war where both sides are losing, but keep fighting anyway until there is nothing left of both sides. I'm losing, fuck... I'm losing this game I've been playing, and I'm losing it to the one I never could bear losing it to. And maybe she reads this and sits there, smiling, thinking "Yeah, I'm so fucking good, I made him lose what sanity was left in him.". I know we could have made it, if I only had opened my eyes in time. But I've always been late all my life, and the best chances have already been taken when I finally arrive. It's getting clearer to me now that my life is a big fucking failure, just a dream. All I do is dream, without realizing that they are the only thing I have left. And they're leaving, then what is left? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing....

"If you could only see the beast you've made of me
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart
Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart

My fingers claw your skin, try to tempt my way in
You are the moon that makes the night for which I have to howl
My fingers claw your skin, try to tempt my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to

Howl, howl
Howl, howl

Now there's no rolling back, I'm aching to attack
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hollow ground

Like some child possessed, the beast howls in my breast
I want to find you and tear out all of your tenderness

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them into hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters

The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress
Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hollow ground"

Yeah, if you only could see the beast you've made of me. If you only could see me...

(These are the things I'm afraid to tell you. I'm so afraid that you'll run away from me, thinking that I don't love you. But I do, I really do. You're the only thing that's keeping me alive baby, and I don't want to lose you. But this is what's going on inside my head, and I can't stop it. I'm sorry for not being as good as you deserve.)

Your arms feel like home

6.33 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• The Spill Canvas

Dear diary,

It feels like I'm sleeping my way through life. Everything has become an undistinguishable void, days and hours blur together and I'm losing track of time and space. I'm getting painfully aware that I'm becoming more and more apathetic, and the worst thing is I can't do a damn thing about it. I've lost my motivation to pretty much everything. Just getting out of bed in the morning (or whenever I wake up) is a difficult task that takes a whole lot of will power. I sit around in front of my laptop all day and night, occasionaly leaving my apartment when I need to buy some food or go downtown to do something together with Louis. Except for that, everything is just... empty. Nothing to look forward to, nothing planned, nothing at all that makes me use my creativity, and it is so demoralizing that I'm beginning to fear that one day I will not make it out of my bed, lacking the energy and motivation to do anything else than sleep the days away. And then, life is over for me. When I've lost the spirit, my will to live and become something, that is the day I die, whether it'll be by my own hand or with the aid of someone else.

I need something that wakes me up from this terrible nightmare. Anything, anyone. Just help me.

Bigger pictures, better things

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mY1aThDzt4

3.30 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

I'll just let Corey do the talking today. "Diluted" is a perfect explanation of how I'm feeling.

"I'm cold, I'm ugly
I'm always confused by everything
I can stare into a thousand eyes
But every smile hides a bold-faced lie

It itches, it seethes, it festers and breathes
My heroes are dead, they died in my head
Thin out the herd, squeeze out the pain
Something inside me has opened up again

Thoughts of me exemplified
All the little flaws I have denied
Forget today, forget whatever happened
Everyday I see a little more of overall deficiencies
I'm nothing short of being one complete catastrophy

I save all the bullets from ignorant minds
Your insults get stuck in my teeth as they grind
Way past good taste, on our way to bad omens
I decrease, while my symptoms increase

God what the fuck is wrong
You act like you knew it all along
Your timing sucks, your silence is a blessing

All I ever wanted out of you was
something you could never be
Now take a real good look at
What you've fucking done to me

I keep my scars from prying eyes
Incapable of ever knowing why
Somebody breathe, I've got to have an answer
Why am I so fascinated by
bigger pictures, better things
But I don't care what you think
You'll never understand me"

Crash into me

5.35 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDC9fEwU3ds

Dear diary,

I guess I'm having one of those days when everything seems to go wrong. Well, not everything, but pretty much. Woke up at 1 PM, and the day started great since I woke up beside Louis who had spent the night here. But even though her presence usually makes me calm, I couldn't help feeling like something wasn't right. That feeling became more and more present as time went by, and I started shaking, feeling paranoid and just... insecure. I had to go to the juvenile reception today, no explanation needed, so we went downtown, and being around people isn't really the smartest thing to do when I'm feeling like this. I'm getting more and more trouble being outside of my apartment, among other people or in crowds. I feel so uncomfortable, like everyone's staring at me because of the way I look, or the way I behave. I think they can see my low self esteem, like I'm wearing it as a second skin, and they take advantage of it. At least it feels that way. Days like these, I just want to crawl underneath my sheets and stay there until everything feels normal again... which it, of course, never really does. I'm glad Louis was with me today, otherwise I would've panicked and fled into some place where people couldn't find me, a library or something that doesn't have so many people in it. Also, we celebrated one month together today, which feels great. I've never fallen in love with someone this fast before, it's both frightening and wonderful at the same time.

It's such a major fucking disability, this insecurity that's been plaguing me for all those years. People say that it usually goes away when you get older, but for me it has only gotten worse. How the hell am I supposed to manage the position of a lead singer when I feel like this? Standing in the spotlight, all eyes on me? Right now, even the thought of it scares the hell out of me. But I guess I'll have to handle it just like everything else. Wear my confidence as a false mask... put on that fake smile, stiffen up that upper lip and get on with the show. Just like my everyday life, just a big fucking fake, a lie. Few people have seen what lingers beyond that facade, and those people have all disappeared from my life, in one or another way. I can only pray that I don't mess this up again, that she doesn't leave me because of this heavy weight I'm carrying around. I'd like to get help, I want to get helped, but that means I have to find help myself, and my pride stops me from doing that. I'm ok. I'm ok...

I'm off to bed now, gonna try and sleep through this and see if things get better when I wake up again. Later.

What once was lost

8.55 AM, Borås, Sweden

"I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."

— Jonathan Safran Foer

When someone else's words explain you better than you've ever been able to do yourself.

(Update: holy shit, he's a jew! Didn't know that. I suppose there are some bright minds among them after all...)

Play dirty

3.19 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Louis just left after spending the night here, and in some way it feels like my sanity is leaving with her... When I'm left to my own devices, I go insane. Everything I've been trying to hold back while in the company of others come rushing back in the speed of light, and strikes me with instant paranoia, anguish and pain. I'm like a mental patient, in constant need of monitoring so that he doesn't hurt himself or anyone else. I really can't express in only words how much her company means to me. Thanks, baby.

So today I was supposed to be in Jönköping to rehearse with the band... but I guess we're not a band anymore. Our drummer joined a bigger, more successful band, so I guess that's the end of the story. I won't go into details, but regardless what "some" people say, I think it's over. Lack of motivation, perhaps? Or just a fucked up attitude towards those you call your friends? Anyway, I'm done with this shit now. I put all my focus and energy on this, gave everything, and it just fucking backfired, so no more. I'm through with music, and by the looks of it, music's through with me. I'm just gonna fade away quietly, like everyone else.

No plans for today, maybe meet Louis again tonight if she's up for it. I still have some alcohol left, so I guess I'm gonna get smashed tonight again. With the risk of repeating myself;

FUCK!

Later.

Walk with me in hell

8.51 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

• a lot of Nine Inch Nails
• psytrance, GMS especially
• AC/DC - everything with Bon still alive

Dear diary,

Haven't been writing for a day now, not to unusual. An to be honest, now isn't a good time either since I'm so tired I'm starting to hallucinate, and the things I hear and see are frightening. There's absolutely nothing worth telling about what's been going on since last I wrote in you, cause' that's what's been going on. Nothing. A whole lot of it. I miss my girl, she comes back from her stay at some camp today, and maybe I'll get to see her tonight. I miss falling asleep next to her, it keeps the nightmares away.

Oh... uh... yeah... how have I been feeling, you might wonder? Good, real good, thank you.

That was a lie. I didn't even try to make it sound like the truth. I've been having constant anxiety attacks, nightmares and the paranoia is back with full force. Even going down to the store to buy cigarettes is tough, cause' that means I have to expose myself to other people. Bipolar syndrom, schizophrenia, manic-depressive... and now social phobia? This just keeps getting more and more desperate... I'm actually surprised I've made it this far. Life's full of surprises, as they say.

I can't see straight, so I'll just get back to you when I'm done dreaming all those nightmares...
Night.