Thursday, July 30, 2009

Heart on the line

5.54 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack
  • like you bother reading this anyway...
Dear diary,

I feel like I'm stuck in a coma. Unable to move, unable to think, unable to speak... just drifting around in a desolate inner landscape, far away from consciousness. They say that patients in a coma doesn't dream, but maybe they do? Maybe this is my dream, my nightmare. They also say that coma has several stages... and this could be any of them. I still feel, though, that would speak against it... but what I feel is frightening. Love. Hate. Anger. Despise. During the hours I'm awake my mind focuses on the negative feelings inside me, constantly plunging deeper into this black hola that's been building inside me, and even though there are bright spots of positive thinking, it quickly goes back to the same painful aspect of thoughts again. It's frightening for many reasons, one of them is that I can't control it. I can't make my mind think of anything else... and I feel helpless. Alone.

She's there for me, I know it, and not only her, there are many others who could give their support if I only asked for it. But I don't. I'm still too damn proud to show my weakness to others. I still want them to think of me as "the strong, silent type". And I even believe I would refuse any help if they wanted to give it to me, stubborn as I still am. I guess that's some kind of sign that there's still some spirit left in me, even if it leaves me alone in the end. I can only accept her help right now, and even that I have trouble embracing. It feels like I'm dragging her with me down into this downward spiral, and I can't live with myself if I make her life to the same hell I'm experiencing. As I've said many times before - it just isn't fair. If she only knew what she was going into when she said "Yes." that night a few weeks ago.

I got a call from Johan earlier tonight... he's in Halmstad with his family right now, and as always he was real drunk. We chatted for a while about stuff in general, but then suddenly he became very serious and said that he had spoken to our drummer about the whole thing with the two of them joining Danger instead. He told me that none of them wanted to be in that band, and that he really believed in us as a band, that we was his main priority no matter what. I'm not sure if it was just the alcohol speaking, but there was a sincerity in his voice that made me feel a bit better about everything concerning the band. I've been so busy making up emergency plans in the form of other bands and different projects, all with the intention of getting rich and famous, that I've completely forgotten about writing some lyrics for Attraction. I should get on that as soon as possible... if my head can stop spinning.

It's time for me to stop writing now... have to go and gather some dirty laundry that's lying around, I have booked the washhouse from 7 AM, and after I've finished with the laundry I'll probably go to bed and sleep until tonight... There's this event down in town today called "Thursday night" where random bands come and play on the town square and people get drunk and fight until the cops come and take them to the drunk cell. Not really my kind of fun, besides I'm feeling too insecure around people when I look this way, with the hair and all that. It'll probably just lead to another anxiety attack, and I've had enough of those the last few weeks...

Later y'all.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


3.41 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Sweet, whispering voices inside my head
Dear diary,

Yeah... about that attempt... I think I can't make it today either, but I'll give it a shot. We had some catching up to do, didn't we? Right.

So I went to Jönköping last Thursday, arrived there early in the morning and got picked up by Emelie and my drunk basstard. As I spent more time in their company, I realized something was different. Emelie, who used to be very caring and understanding towards me, didn't speak to me very much, and with a cold attitude. I could understand why, she was hurt cause' she had feelings for me and didn't want to bother me, but when she clearly wanted me to get jealous because of the way she treated Johan and Markus as her new "best friends", it just got too much. And the fact that my drummer was playing a gig with the same band Johan was gonna audition for, Danger, didn't make things better, so I went back home to my parents with the intention of not going to the festival with them on Saturday. But in the end I decided to go, the trip was nice, but it felt awkward at times when I couldn't hide my anger and irritation about Emelie's sweet talk to Johan and my drummer. It was as if she wanted me to freak out, and feel sorry that I didn't take her instead of Louis...

I don't really remember too much from the festival itself... it was rainy, not too many people, and "my" drummer did a kickass performance with Danger. Just another reason for them to steal him from us. Spent most of the time on the way home sleeping, got home, and then went back here on Monday. So... now, here I am once again, alone in the middle of the night, panicking, freaked out, feeling lost, losing consciousness from all the pills... does this sound familiar? Yeah, it sure as hell does. I'm back to where I started, and the pain from realizing that fact is hard to take. It creates so much anger and hatred within me, I feel like I'm gonna explode at any second and take the whole world with me. The pain mixes with the anger and hatred, and creates this fucking monster that I thought I'd killed, or at least caged. But it's back with full force, and intends to make my life to the very living hell I've been trying to escape for so long. It's a creature, made out of the sick thoughts, a constant will to become something more, jealousy of those who do better than me, anger, hate and everything bad in the human nature. It claws its way out of my heart, takes control of my mind and body, and starts with hurting the people I care about most.

Louis, I'm so sorry that I can't be the one you deserve. You don't deserve this fucked up person I am, you need someone who's not... tainted... who doesn't carry around this heavy fucking weight around their heart. I know I'm telling you that I don't want you to know what's going on inside my head, cause' it would be unfair to make you concerned with those things. But a lot of my latest panic attacks have been because of her. Tina. And since she's your friend, I'd never want you to choose between the two of us. But in the end, if you'd choose her, I'd understand you. I'm not that much of a bargain anyway.

It's not just that it makes my mind destructive, it also prohibits it from thinking creative thoughts, which leaves me totally crippled. I've lost my motivation, the only thing that can push me forwards, and without it I am condemned to fade away, just another anonymous face in the crowd. And you all know I'd rather die than to become a nobody. My current weakness leaved me totally unprotected against such things as this business that's going on with the band right now. Instead of thinking "Maybe he'll stay with us in the end, we're friends after all." my brain is thinking "That cocksucker, how the fuck can he leave me now after all we've been through!", and that makes me act less respectful against them, which in the end just might make them make the decision to leave. It's all just like a big, downward spiral, swallowing all my positive emotions, all my creativity and everything that makes me a good person, and turns me into that monstrosity, that no one could love. I've started think more often that maybe there is some deity who has decided that I won't be making it in this life, that I'm forever bound to be just another face in the crowd. I can't accept that fate. I just can't. And with nothing to do about it, I'd rather just end the misery than live a lifetime in denial of my own failure. It's better that way.

"Like and echo repeating the words "I feel nothing for you anymore"
Well, my dearest, hold my hand
I will bring you with me to the ground
If I fall, the fall becomes ours
Its too late to speak from your heart anyway
Its better if you die

But not to forget all of the words you told me
When all was spoken all I heard was
"But hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do"
When all was spoken all I heard was
"But hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do"

I've bled myself dry tonight for wanting more
The cold wind sweeps beneath me
Like a star shivering in darkness
and I will fall as well"

Adept - When The Sun Gave Up The Sky

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

What I'd give

4.04 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

It seems like the longer I skip writing in you, the more I dread doing it the next time. Like tonight... I can't seem to find the patience or dedication to actually try to explain how I feel. Cause' it's just too surreal and fucked up to even try and explain at this point... I'll make another try tomorrow. Right now it's about damn time I get some sleep, I'm starting to feel dizzy from all the different painkillers and sleeping pills I've been taking tonight. Saw a picture of Tina in her blog today, she was posing and showing off her thin body... it's like she wants to rub it in my face... "Look, motherfucker, look at what you're missing out on". She knows I'm a sucker for thin girls, and it's no big secret that I'm still in love with the memory of us together. Fuck.

It ain't fair. Not to anyone.
And not to my girl. I'm such a failure.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The balance theory

4.12 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • various The Spill Canvas songs
Dear diary,

Keeping things real short for today, I ain't got much to tell you anyway. Things are as usual. Looks like I'll be going to Jönköping tomorrow (today, that is) to meet some friends and rehearse with the band. Then on Friday or Saturday we'll be on our way to Stockholm for the Rest In Sleaze festival. I plan on being drunk the nearest 72 hours, so I guess I won't be writing in you much... with that said, into the fog...

Night everyone

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Baby, please don't go

9.24 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • various Faster Pussycat songs
Dear diary,

This headache's killing me... Today feels like a big... nothing. Just... nothing. I noticed that this is my 100th post here, so it's some kind of milestone perhaps. I can already tell that there'll be much more than 100 when I'm done here.

I get the feeling that things are slipping away from me, and it makes me feel so fucking helpless. First of all, I got the news about a week ago that my bassplayer maybe is gonna audition for another sleaze band in Småland, Danger, who are looking for a new bassplayer. At first I thought "Shit, that's cool!" but after a while I realized that if he begins playing with them, our band will be set aside. And that's just not fair. I can't stop him, or anyone, from trying out ither bands, even if I would like to. But when things seemed to finally get started, we found a drummer and got our rehearsal space and so on... but now, everyone seems to wander off and do different things. Our drummer is doing a gig with the same band, Danger, at the Rest In Sleaze festival this weekend, and then what...? Maybe they'll decide that they want him too, and then it's fucking over with my little dream. And I know I won't be able to handle that. I've put so much trust into this, it's my dreams about to come true, and if that fails, I'm gonna stop dreaming. Stop living. And I don't need another reason to give up.

I guess I'm just being a child when I'm feeling like they're MY band, not someone elses. You can't mess with free will, I've learned that before. But when people who tell you they're your friends abandon you, don't you think I have a reason to be pissed? Yeah, maybe...

All I know is that I'm scared of the future. I can't seem to get a grip of anything. And once again, my head is just killing me...
Let's end this 100th post with a classic expression that describes pretty much everything right now;



Let's just stop

3.28 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • voices inside my head
Dear diary,

Nothing to write. Too fucking numb and confused. Here's a lyric instead, describing exactly how I feel.

Let's just stop,
drop everything,
forget each other's names,
And just walk away.

Turn around and head in different directions,
Like we never, it's like we never knew each other at all.
We said what we feel, then we stop ourselves,
And just walk away.
Never looking back,
Loving every second of it,
we just walk away.

This is probably the best,
not to mention the worst idea,
that I have ever had.

Ignoring what we've felt,
Overlooking what we've done,
No awkward silences, no hiding any truths
Ignoring what we've felt,
Overlooking what we've done,
What do you say?

- Chiodos - Baby, You Wouldn't Last A Minute On The Creek

Sunday, July 19, 2009

A premonition

8.11 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • various NIN, The Spill Canvas and Placebo songs
Dear diary,

Early morning... or not so early, actually. Still awake, not really tired but I'm gonna try get some sleep anyway. Today's been pretty good, spent some time with Jessica, she helped me bleach my hair once more, and later on the night I followed her home. As always, it felt nice to be walking through the city at night. Feels rejuvenating, and at the same time I get this feeling that there are so many things I want to do, but I lack motivation and time to do them all at the same time. That same feeling applies to pretty much everything I carry out. I create new dreams every day, sometimes every hour, new things I want to learn more about, new quests to embark upon... it feels like I need a thousand replicas of myself to be able to carry out all these things. I envy the people who seem to have everything in control. People who can focus on one thing, get it done, and then move on to the next task. I can't do that... I never could. Maybe it's because of the confusion inside my head... if I could just find some peace for myself, maybe I could realize all these dreams I have.

So today I've also been thinking of getting a new band together here in Borås. Not a new band with the intention of competing with the band back in Jönköping, they're still my number one priority, but more of a side project. I've always liked bands like The Goo Goo Dolls, The Spill Canvas, The All American Rejects (a lot of "The's"!) so that's the style and sound I'm looking to create... more of a soft rock-oriented sound with a lot of acoustics and semi-ballads. Heartbreaking lyrics, the occasional punk rock-vibe... real classic. You don't see bands like that come along very often in Sweden, and since Borås own "music scene" is quite dysfunctional, they could need some new blood. Jessica's boyfriend seems to be a great musician with similar taste in music, so I think I'll start with asking him. Also I've been having this talk with my friend Dennis for years about starting a band together. We've been close to forming something many times, but there's always been something missing out. He's playing in several bands today, so maybe the timing is bad, but he's a genius when it comes to writing and arranging music. I find myself fantasizing about how we would sound if it all came together alright... something like "As I Lay Dying-meets-Atreyu-meets-Pantera-meets-The Agony Scene", and in my ears, that would sound fucking great. It would feel awesome to be able to express the different sides of myself in different projects, a soft rock band for the hopeless romantic in me, the glam/sleaze band for the rock n' roll outlaw with a taste for sex, drugs and rock n' roll, and the metalcore band for the raging bull-mentality I get sometimes. I would be a happier person if I could just get to play all the things I love to listening to.

Ah... but you probably don't give a fuck... and why should you? I don't blame anyone for skipping a lot of text, it's probably more boring than watching grass grow... But I'll just write a few more last words.

- I miss my girl. Badly.
- Something ain't right. I can feel it.
- I feel lost.
- These dreams I've been having are more disturbing than ever.
- I'm thinking of starting with therapy again.
- And last, but not least - I need some god damn clarity.

"I want you to lead me
Take me somewhere
Don't want to live
In a dream one more day"

In Flames - Come Clarity

Saturday, July 18, 2009

This is for keeps

7.05 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • various The Spill Canvas songs
Dear diary... or dear you, really,

I'm so glad I found you... or was it the other way around? Regardless, there you were... and still are. And I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. I had forgotten how good it feels to have your heart burn not only for yourself, but for another person as well... There are times when I feel alone and abandoned, even when I know you're just a phonecall away. There are moments when I don't feel alright, when the walls are caving in and I lose faith in my own ability to feel love like I used to. But you know what frightens me the most, what really scares the shit out of me?

I love you.

You could call that a lie, an exaggeration or a fake. You could say something like "You don't say that when you've only been together for like a week or two!" or shake your head while muttering something about "today's youth", but I don't give a fuck - it's as true as it gets. You've stirred up some feelings I've been missing for a long time, and when they come back, they do it with full force. James Hetfield of Metallica once wrote in their song "Mama Said", "The brightest flame burns quickest.". While it is pure physics, it also is true for me... a sort of fate that I'm forever bound to carry with me. But I wouldn't have it any other way... to live is to burn, and I'm enjoying every damn degree of it. When I'm in your arms, my armor is no longer falling apart, cracked and rusty. It becomes shiny and whole again, and even the sharpest of swords can't penetrate that tough shell. You're just too good to be true, and that frightens me. My mind is telling me "Dude, somethin' ain't right about this... it's too good... remember heroin? This is just like it. You're gonna get burned again."

And who knows, maybe that negative prick is right... but I don't care. What matters is that we're here now, in this together, and as much as I want to run back to the relative safety and comfort of my own solitude, I'm giving this a shot. A big shot. Cause' if this turns out to be the same as before, I have failed in making myself a better person. Kinda' like a test, but a far more dramatic one than the ones I remember from school. This is my way of telling you - cause' I suck at trying to utter my feelings with words - that I'm happy to be yours, and I'll stay by your side as long as you want me to.
I might not always be sober, caring, understanding or look that great either.
I might be carrying around a lot of ghosts and bad memories in my mind, trying to understand what I've left behind, and why.
I might continue overdosing on most things, even love itself in the end.
I might make you confused about how I feel about you, about us, about everything.
I might dream away most of the time I'm awake, letting them take over me fully at times.
I might not always be able to tell you all the things I want to tell you, and I might fail greatly in trying to make you understand me, but I promise you one thing - I will always be true.

So, once again, Louis - I love you.

"How does it feel to know you're everything I need
The butterflies in my stomach
They could bring me to my knees
How does it feel to know you're everything I want
I've got a hard time saying this
So I'll sing it in a song

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt
When we become one

"So Much" - The Spill Canvas

Friday, July 17, 2009

Use it or lose it

5.13 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • As I Lay Dying - the "An Ocean Between Us" album
Dear diary,

Well that's weird... for a moment there I thought I did great. But there's always a catch, right? Spent the whole day yesterday in bed, too fucked up to even try to get up and walk around a bit. Later on the evening Louis came here, she was worried about me not feeling too well. Turned out she was drunk, and I hate to be sober in the company of other drunk people, so I started drinking... which was probably a bad idea. We watched some movies, and all of a sudden I couldn't keep things together, and ended up crying in her arms. I felt like a total idiot, I shouldn't be like that in her company, it isn't fair that she has to suffer from problems I'm having with my mind. But I'm still glad she spent the night with me, it made me feel safe. I took some sleeping pills and then passed out by her side. Today she helped me bleach my hair, which is now bright red... except for that, there is nothing new. I don't know what to do tonight... I feel weird, as if there is something bad about to happen. I don't like it, at all...

Thursday, July 16, 2009


6.30 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Sun Kil Moon - Carry Me Ohio
Dear diary,

I guess I knew it all along... I couldn't maintain even the slighest feeling of happiness for long. I'm falling again, this time the feeling of loneliness is suffocating me slowly. I know I'm not alone, I know she's there for me, and for that, I love her. But when I'm left with myself, the only thing I hear is my mind whispering poisonous words to me. I tried to get some sleep earlier tonight, and probably had an anxiety attack while sleeping. I woke up in panic, and found some Triazolams I had left in my bag... and of course I had too many...

I'm feeling dizzy and short of breath... my heart isn't beating as it should, but it doesn't even when I'm not on medication, so that's no news I guess... I dreamt about so many horrible things, things that have happened, things that could happen and things too dreadful to even write about here... you wouldn't want to hear about it anyway. I'm gonna take the rest of the Triazolams now and see if I can pass out. Sometimes I wish I didn't wake up again.

I feel so lost... I don't know where I'm going, and I barely know where I've been. I can't handle this... fuck...


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Before the dawn

6.15 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Mazzy Star - Into Dust
Dear diary,

Yesterday was spent together with Louis... as always it felt a bit awkward at times when I couldn't come up with something to say or do, but as the evening progressed I became more and more relaxed. We went out for a walk in the city around 1 AM... originally, we weren't supposed to walk that far, but we ended up on top of a hill overlooking parts of central Borås. It was a tough hike up there, but it's worth it every time. I just love the atmosphere and all the lights, as I have told you about in an earlier post. All in all it was a great night, I felt really connected to her, and it's so wonderful to have someone to talk to about all your thoughts and feelings. Someone to rely on.

On our way down from the hill, I discovered some concrete structures hidden under some tall grass beside the small, narrow path we were walking on. Since I'm quite familiar with the various objects of interest for an urban explorer in Borås, and never had heard of anything on this particular hill, it of course awoke my enthusiasm. I've been searching around in various forums, but so far no record of any military activity on that hill, so it's a mystery to be solved. This town is said to be "the most boring town in Sweden", and for most of the people here, that statement is true. For me, it's a whole different story... there is so much to discover here, so many places to explore. A city to me is a mystery, a mystery that is so fascinating and secretive. People usually don't understand the complexity of a city's structure, there are so many things hidden beneath closed doors, underground, in parking garages, on rooftops and so on. I intend to explore this city until there is nothing left to find, and even if it takes a lifetime, I believe I'll never lose my enthusiasm for this. Enough about that.

I'm doing some laundry right now... which is boring as hell. I have no plans for tonight, Marlene was supposed to come here and help me bleach my hair once again, but she wasn't up for it so maybe I'll try to find someone else to do it. I can't show myself in front of other people with this horrible hair color...

Later y'all...

9.10 PM

People fucking disgust me. I can't help feeling this way... everywhere I look, there's these poor fucking examples of a human being. I can't stand it. I would be making everyone a favor by cleaning up this infected, fucked up population, bent on attention, money and fame. It would be so easy...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Days will pass

4.23 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • "The Voice" web radio
Dear diary,

Yet another gazeless day... I was supposed to visit the job centre today, but as usual I overslept and didn't make it there in time. I went downtown and met Louis, we had a cup of coffee and sat down outside for a while, then I met up with Marlene and we went back to my place where she helped me bleach my hair again. My hair is now in a weird red color with black spots here and there. Quite interesting, but still ugly as hell.

Nothing much to tell you today either... I have thought a lot about everything, my current situation and so on, and to be honest I'm really confused. Things seem to be harder than they should be, and I don't know why. I just want everything to work out for once... is that too much to ask for?

Ah, hell... my head feels like it's full of razor sharp shards of glass, so I'm gonna take a few painkillers and pass out. Later.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Release the wolves

4.28 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • A lot of Mötley Crüe
  • Swift - the "The Absolute Uncontrollable"-album
Dear diary,

I nearly skipped writing in you today. No motivation whatsoever. Today's been really worthless, I've done nothing except getting a collage with material from The Heroin Diaries done. And that's pretty much it. I've been feeling weird today, as if I'm constantly pending from a state of depression to complete ecstasy. It feels like my mind can't decide whether it wants to be miserable or content, and because of this I can't get further into explaining any of this, or any other feelings for that matter. I guess I'll have to tell you the same thing I always tell you - I'll get back to you when my brain is functional again.

I miss my girl so fuckin' bad. I wish she was here right now so I could get some sleep without all these nightmares. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this. It's like a curse, a curse I never asked for in the first place. Sure, it has it's benefits, but some things I just can't get used to. But I probably should shut up now, I don't want them to freak out again. (Yeah, I know you're watching. I care less for each passing day.)

Night everyone

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The crimson

4.35 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Kent - the whole "Hagnesta Hill"-album.
Dear diary,

I'm keeping things short today, I'm in no condition to dig deeper into things right now... I spent some time with Louis today, it feels better and better as the nervousness is getting less prominent. I think that her arms might be the closest place to heaven I've ever been... or at least it feels that way. She makes everything worthwhile, and I'm longing to tell someone those three words again...

Project Daedalus is progressing slowly, I have planned for a few actions this week, starting with downtown Borås, and some other people have shown their interest in participating in the movement. As for everything else, I'll get back to you some other day. My body feels... numb...


Saturday, July 11, 2009

Take a number

2.33 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Aerosmith - the whole "Honkin' On Bobo"-album
Dear diary,

Just came home from dropping off Marlene at the bus stop. She spent the evening here, helping me to bleach my hair, finally. The black color didn't disappear quite as much as I'd expected, but the hair at the roots is in a red color tone. Not very good looking, to be honest, but hey, beauty comes with a price. She'll maybe stop by tomorrow and apply some more bleach, so I'm gonna keep my ass inside for the next few days until I'm able to bleach off the awful red color.

Today's been pretty confusing, I woke up back in Småland, went to Borås with my father, he helped me put up some lamps and lighting along with some other stuff in the apartment. On our way to Borås, I started getting messages from Louis friend Gabriella who told me she didn't know about our relationship until now, and that Louis said she didn't want to tell her about it until she was sure of her intentions with it all. So the afternoon was spent trying to get things straight between us, luckily everything turned out fine. I had planned to meet Louis today, but for some reason I didn't, and now I'm feeling regretful. I miss her so much, I can't even understand how you can become so dependant on another persons intimacy just after a few days relationship... But hopefully I get to meet her tomorrow.

It's really strange you know... it seems like the whole world is opposed to me having a relationship. Every day I get hints and complaints from girls I know, or have been with before, who say they don't like that I'm not single anymore, and they blame Louis for "stealing" me from them. Hey, ladies, just because I was a slut before it doesn't mean I don't want to have a functional relationship with someone? This girl is so damn special it would be my biggest mistake so far in life to let her go, and I won't, not until she tells me she's had it with me. And yeah, of course all the other girls have tempting offers, and I can't say I'm not influenced by them, but this time around - I won't fuck up. Sorry, but I'm not interested in any of you any longer. I've wrecked too many relationships because of my selfish, jealous, fucked up mind, and I'm putting my whole soul into this. Bend or break.

My head feels like it's wrapped in thick layers of cotton... which of course could have something to do with the handful of pills I just stuffed into my mouth, but at least I can sleep without panicking from the fear and loneliness. I could sure use her company tonight to keep the nightmares away...

I'm just rambling. I'll let you go do something more important, instead of reading this bullshit. Off with ya.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Heaven in her arms

10 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • a whole lot of Hardcore Superstar
Dear diary,

Yet again I skip a few days writing in you, but at least I have a good reason - my mobile broadband connection decided to give in, but it's now functional again so... The last days have been chaotic, but this time in a good way. As I mentioned, Louis spent the night here last Sunday, and even though I was nervous as hell, the night turned out to be a major turning point for me... I came to the moment when I just had to ask her if she wanted to be mine, and if I could be hers... and without any hesitation, she said yes.

Yeah, you heard me. I'm not alone any longer... and that changes a lot of things. Even though we're only in the first, shaking moments of our relationship, everything feels great. Suddenly, I realize how much I've missed the closeness and intimacy of another human being... When I went to bed on Monday night, I almost started crying 'cause I missed her so. I guess I developed an addiction to her faster than i thought... With the presence of someone in my life to share my thoughts and feelings with, the voices inside of me get less space to haunt me, and even though I still experience anxiety attacks and such, it has become easiser to deal with now that I know I'm not alone. I just hope she wants to stay with me, I have a constant fear of estranging her the further she gets to know me. There are things within that I hide, afraid to show, but in time they will show whether I want to or not. Let's just hope she can see through all that.

So, here I am. Not alone. Settled in the city I want to live. I should be content, but as always... I'm never quite satisfied. All these things I sought after, that now have been given to me... I'd hoped that they'd give me some kind of clarity or peace of mind, so that I could focus and finally become the creative superpower I know I really am... but so far, things haven't changed. I'm so pissed off at myself for being like this that I just want to put a gun to my head, pull the trigger, and let all the thoughts fly out and paint the walls. Maybe then someone could read them and understand what I want to achieve. At least I am only moments from releasing project Daedalus upon society. This is the first stage of the plan, and may take a long time to show some results. But it's a beginning, at least, and from now on, my life will become more and more intense. As if it wasn't already.

I'm thinking of getting some sleep... I'm going to Jönköping tomorrow to pick up some contact lenses from my optician, then I'm gonna meet up with Emmelie, she's gonna cut my fringe and maybe we'll hang out for a while.

I miss my girl.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Your evil soul

10.41 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • The Spill Canvas - Bound To Happen
  • Dashboard Confessional - mixed songs

Dear diary,

"han är extremt icke snygg nu för tiden"

Yeah, bitch, I know. But you've become uglier too Tina, so I'm not alone. At least I know I look like shit, instead of acting like I'm sooooo alternative and trendy. You're so full of yourself, but someday, someone's gonna take you back down to earth again. Things seem to unfold as they should in the end anyway.

So... I've finally settled in here, the past few days have been a chaos of carrying furniture back and forth, unpacking a thousand boxes, putting up curtains, and so on. There's still a lot of work to be done, but I'm taking a well-earned break from that for now. The apartment isn't too bad... only this is a very... multi-cultural area, so in my gate I'm the only Swedish resident. The area's crawling with muslims and whatnot, playing their fucking taliban music all day long. At least they can't complain when I'm blasting my own music loud, which kinda' makes up for it.

I'm getting a visit from Louis soon, she's gonna spend the night here, and to be honest I'm so nervous I'm shaking. I'm really looking forward being close to her again, but I'm so unsure of myself in this matter. It feels like I have to prove to her that I'm not a boring idiot... which perhaps is the awful truth. But I'll do my best... I should get dressed and get a drink to stop the shaking, and perhaps a few painkillers... I'll get back to you with an update soon.


Thursday, July 2, 2009


10.03 PM, Småland, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Mötley Crüe all fuckin' day long

Dear diary,

I'm keeping things short today, I'm exhausted... just got home from Borås, I met with Louis and we went to check out my new apartment. Wasn't too bad, but I had no balcony, which I had hoped for. It was a quick visit, and tomorrow afternoon I'll be going back there to move in all my things. And then I'm officially a resident of Borås. Maybe it doesn't seem like something to celebrate for most people who already live there, but for me, it's a step towards a new beginning, and perhaps some peace for my chaotic mind. When I left the station to get on the train, I couldn't stop myself from kissing her, and... it was a very long time ago someone was able to make me feel so happy. My heart practically stopped when I kissed her soft lips, and I never wanted to let go of her... but at least I can be closer to her from now on. Let's just hope she feels the same... I'm tired of hopeless crusades.

Haven't been able to get things sorted out with getting an internet connection over there, so I don't know when I'm gonna be able to write in you next time... I'm gonna get some sleep now, if I can, there are too many people around here, and I can't get any privacy at all... tomorrow, tomorrow... patience...


Love with caution

03.32 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

  • Guns N' Roses - Out Ta Get Me
  • Nightrage - The Glow Of The Setting Sun
Dear diary,

There's nothing much to tell about today. Made a call this morning to Borås Bostäder, and found out they had open only on Tuesdays and Fridays, between 4 and 6 PM... fucking weird open hours, but hey, not much seems right about that company. But that means I have to go to Borås tomorrow (read: today) to get the keys, since I can't get them on Friday when I'm moving in. Wasn't really planned, but hey, I have to have my keys to get in, so... Also, I'll get to meet Louis for a while, which is nice, but I'm a bit nervous that she's gonna find out I'm a total disappointment in real life. We'll see what happens.

The chaos inside has become startlingly quiet the past hours... I wonder what foul plans the demons are making...
I've felt lonely as hell today, for no particular reason it seems, since Erik has been home all day. But it's not that kind of loneliness... it's the longing of another heart to share your own with, and even though things are starting to look brighter on that matter, I still can't shake this feeling. Ah, hell, I can't think straight anyway, so I'll just end right here. I'll get back to y'all.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

No one's hero

04.02 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Todays soundtrack;
- VNV Nation - The whole "Matter + Form" album
- various L.A. Guns-songs

Dear diary,

I don't know why I keep pushing up writing in you. I could do it earlier every night, just to get it done, and I honestly try to write in you every day, but sometimes I just can't find the inspiration to put down into words how I feel about things. Anyway... today's been spent on sleeping, just as D-A-D put it, "I'm sleeping my day away". For sure. The plan was originally to go back to Småland today (read: yesterday, Tuesday) but I woke up far too late to be able to get on a train that would be there in time for my father to pick me up. But the evening has been quite enjoyable anyway, and I'm going back today (read: Wednesday) instead.

I've been talking a lot with Louis today... damn, that girl really makes me smile. I can't fucking wait until I can hold her in my arms, and lay down beside her at night, wake up next to her in the morning... I believe this boy is beginning to get a bad case of infatuation. And it feels so damn good. Another thing I'm looking forward to with moving to Borås is walking through town at night. It's something special about that town that makes me fall in love with it every time. Warm summer nights, walking through all the small parks, the residential areas, all the hills with the little houses and gardens, the industrial areas... just inhale the cool air, listen to all the sounds and noises of the city, cars rushing by on the freeway, laying down on your back in the soft darkness of a park, listening to that undefinable buzz that just seems to be hanging in the air, like a mixture of all the sounds of the life that pulses through the city. Watching the city lights from top of that hill where Tina first took me, then going downtown to grab a late night meal at McDonalds, and watch all the drunks fighting, and the other people trying to make their way home.

My love for big cities is probably originated from when I was a kid and we were visiting my grandmother in Jönköping. She lives in a residential area that lies high up on a hill, Dalvik, and on the road up there, at night, you get a full view of the central parts of the city. I was so fascinated by all the lights, spread out like a pearl necklace, and found it so beautiful. I used to think of every little light as it's own world, and dreamt of how I flied above the city, and dived down at every light just to see what the surroundings looked like down there. That special love for the city at night has been with me ever since, and I love just wandering through towns at night, taking in the atmosphere. Sometimes I do it alone, but nothing beats finding someone to walk with through the night, someone to talk to about life and pretty much everything. Most of my life's most memorable talks have been during these special occasions, and I'm always looking for new companions to share this passion with, so if you feel like you want to join me, just say so.

Also, this day has turned out with an unpleasant surprise. It seems that my "sun-condition" has become worse, and I couldn't spend more than a few minutes outside in the sun before my head started aching, my sight became blurred and my heart started pounding. I think I know what's going on, and if I'm right, I should be scared as hell. Not that anyone would understand, even if I told them, and I'm not planning that either so... yeah. It's all just fairytales and things mothers make up to scare their children. Things like that don't exist. We don't exist.

I have to stay awake until 8 AM, gotta make a call to Borås Bostäder and make an agreement to when I can get the keys for my apartment, hopefully they can give them to me on Friday when I move in, otherwise there's gonna be some problems. In the future... I see a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Later people.