Monday, February 22, 2010

Parallel dimensions

6.30 AM, Borås, Sweden

"And never moving forwards, so there'll never be a past."

Dear diary,

There's no telling where to go from here. Living each day as a lie, or ignoring the truth we all see clearly. Conforming into a pattern, and leaving no trace behind whatsoever. I just don't know how to handle things.

But hey, I'm doing alright. For now. Darkness, my old friend, has kept quiet for the last week, not a single word, not a whisper. Zip. Zero. Nothing. Maybe it's the calmness before the storm? I feel like fuckin' Gollum, sitting on that stone, speaking to the good and evil part of him.

"Leave now, and NEVER come back!"

Would have been cool if that had worked out for me, after all, I've tried to shake this far too many times. Anyway... what's up? What's happening? Not much, I guess. February 22nd today, a few weeks left until I leave this town, and move back to Småland. It struck me just this morning, as I stood and watched out the window, seeing the glow from all the lights in town leaving traces over the morning sky, the stillness outside... I'm gonna miss this town. Just not the people in it, but the town as well. Others might have trouble understanding my fascination for urban environments, but I find them nearly as beautiful as the wilderness, if not more beautiful. There's a certain feeling in the air, an aura that a city is emitting, that makes it so colorful, so interesting. When you're walking through a large city a warm summer night, alone or with a friend, go to a park or a similar location, and just sit down for a while and listen. The sounds of the city are so colorful and diverse; cars, the sound of laughter, screaming, talking, ventilation systems, the sound of the wind - everything mixes together into one big buzz, and you can almost touch the sound if you reach out your hand. I never grow tired of wandering through a city, with or without company. More often, the latter... since I have trouble finding people who understand this or enjoy it as I do.

You know... it's funny... when you have a dream where you cut your hair, everyone says that it means that you will go through major changes very soon, and that it is positive. I cut my hair last week, a completely new haircut, and ever since I haven't had problems with my mood. It has been almost constant, without any ups or downs. Maybe what they say is true. But to be honest, I think it is because I feel better about myself. I feel more attractive, and my apperance is my first shield against the world around me. If my armor is cracking, it can hurt me, and now I feel like the cracks are getting fewer and fewer. I've had major mental breakdowns because of all the anxiety I have concerning my own ability to uphold my self esteem. I can honestly say that everything is depending on how I feel, if I feel strong, sexy, attractive. I've spent countless nights lying awake, trying to tell myself " I can make it, I look good, I'm a good singer, I know how to be a performer." but never really having any success in making it into reality. But now, I feel like I've taken a big step towards making that true. My dream. I mean, who's gonna listen to a band where the singer is a stuttering, nervous little bitch, trying to look cool but failing miserably? I wouldn't. So much about this style is depending on image, looks that kill, the fact that people are attracted to a certain stereotype - the classic rockstar. Rude, mean, self-centered assholes with a bad temper, but still with an amazing ability to get laid and look good while doing it. I've never really believed I can meet the demands of that stereotype, and maybe I never will, but I'm sure as hell gonna give it a shot.

What if this is a turning point? The one thing I have been waiting for forever, but never reached even once. When everything has been chaos inside my mind, when the walls are falling down around me, the one thing I wished for was to feel that once in a while, it goes the other way too. Hit the brakes, do a 360, and then it's full speed again. In the right direction, this time. I have a whole lot of catching up to do, I'm 5 years late to this party, but I'll do my best to enjoy it anyway. After all, things are looking brighter in the near future. In just a few days, all my debts will be paid by my father when he recieves the final payment for the auction of our farm... and it is a huge weight that will be taken off my shoulders. Second, moving back to Jönköping doesn't feel like moving backwards in time, instead, it feels like a new beginning. Getting closer (as close as it gets without living with each other) to the band, and being able to focus more intensively on the creative process that ultimately will propel us into superstardom. Or better.

This post is getting a bit unfocused and messy, but it shows clearly what state my mind is in. I feel like I'm floating in space, a small planet drifting aimlessly through the vast reaches of the universe, colliding with meteors all the time, but drifting onwards anyway, scarred, but an experience richer.

This might work out this time around.

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