Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dust devils and cosmic storms

11.21 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Dear diary,

I'm sitting here with all the lights out, a couple of lit candles and a cup of tea. Trying to make it into some kind of evening ritual before I go to bed, to gather my thoughts and write something here. Today has been alright, left school before lunch today since I had nothing to do so I could as well go home and "study"... not much studying has been done, of course. Did some cleaning, way too dusty in here, and I'm beginning to think I'm allergic to dust, and it sucks... It means that it affects my singing, and since I'm already allergic to pollen it also means that I'm walking around with a running nose 360 days a year. Shit's fucked up.

I think I need to start reaching out for people more, instead of staying inside my shell to protect myself. I'm having trouble inspiring myself, or finding things that inspire me, perhaps there's some people out there who are able to light a fire inside me again? I can think of a few candidates already, people I've been talking to for a while, but never met. I've been stuck in this place for far too long, I need to get out and get some new views, see new places, meet new people. Maybe then, my armor will disintegrate and fall of me like autumn leaves, rusted pieces of my past and concrete from the wall that has surrounded me for far too long... sure, I won't let my guard down completely, that would be foolish. But this time around, a guard post at the gate will do... not some majestic impression of the wall of China.

Also... I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow being deceived. Something ain't right, I can feel it. I can't stand being everybody's fool. Anyway, time for bed... just a day and a half left in school this week.

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