Sunday, January 6, 2013

The search is over

9.03 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Survivor – The Search Is Over

Now the miles stretch out behind me
Loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie victims of the game
Then good luck it finally struck
Like lightning from the blue
Every highway leading me back to you

Dear diary,

Ugh, I really don't feel like writing in you, but I suppose I should. We have a lot to talk about.

I guess we have... you first.

It's all changed, just over the last week. Everything's different now. I've no time to get into details, you already know most of them anyway. She said yes. I still can't believe it. It's like walking around in a dream, knowing you're dreaming, but unable to wake up from it. Yet every kiss from her lips is telling me that I'm awake. She came over to our party on New Year's Eve, and the minute she walked through the door I had but one thing in my mind - I was going to share my bed with her that night. Said and done, we stood embraced in an alcohol-infused kiss as the first seconds of the new year were ticking away, and later that night, while looking into each others eyes, she said yes. She didn't care about how fucked up I told her I was, and that to me is what makes her so special. To wake up by her side was the best start of a new year I've ever had. I've been feeling so confused the last month, not knowing what to make of the feelings inside me, feelings that have been dead and buried for so long. Not since that day in 2005 that she left and everything caved in on me have I felt this way about another person. Not for any of them after, not for anyone before that. Until now.

Woah, woah... slow it down a bit, dude. What? She said yes? I guess she's in for one hell of a surprise. You're out of your mind, fella. Did you introduce me too? Didn't think so...

I have no words of describing how she makes me feel, everything is just spinning too fast right now to even begin to explain... Such a beautiful being, having her in my arms brings me a feeling of safety I have been dying to get back to for the last 8 years. Maybe everything between has just been a test to make me worthy of spending my time with someone like her. I survived, barely, and not without scars that'll always be there to remind me of the fucked up people that have tried to destroy me with their poisonous lies. But I'm still breathing. Heart still beating. Yeah, that's a big fuck you to all of you. Maybe not all, after all, some of you are still my friends, but mostly to you, Z. Fuck you and everything you did with me. It makes me want to throw up thinking about how close we were, and how nothing of it meant anything to you. How easy I was to throw away like yesterday's trash, how you lied and cheated your way through the last 6 months of our relationship, telling me you loved me, and then went straight into someone else's bed, spreading your legs like the cheap whore you are. I hope you die in agonizing pain.

I'm not saying that it'll be easy from now on. The ghosts are still inside my head, haunting, every single second of every single day. But now I have someone there for me who can chase them away, make them return into their dark corners and stay there for as long as she's with me. The light she's brought in has pierced through the dark clouds, and made the path in front of me so much easier to see, even though it's far from straight ahead. It'll surely have its bumps and wrong turns, but in the end I'll make my way to the end. I'm sure of it. Because now, I have you. And nothing else means anything.

No comments:

Post a Comment