Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Walking in circles

7.27 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

It's way past dawn and I'm still awake. In fact, I've only been up for a couple of hours. Sleeping is the only thing I'm really good at nowadays. It's freezing cold outside, autumn has put a firm grip on this country once again, and as much as I like it, I can't help my feet from feeling cold. I need to get some warmer clothing, and a pair of gloves so I won't get a frostbite, that would suck. How long has it been since I last wrote here? A week? More? Less? I've lost track... still, I can't shake this feeling of guilt that strikes me when I haven't written here for some time. It's as if I think someone actually cares about what I write, and I have to continue or else they're gonna miss it. Yeah right.

So... how am I doing? Great question... and I don't feel like answering it, 'cause I'm doing just fine without thinking about how I'm doing. The last few weeks have been like this, I try hard not to think too much about everything, to take things as they come and not do too much planning. All in all, it has worked out fine, with the occasional breakdown now and then. Last night, when at my parents house, I lied down and listened to music before I fell asleep, and as I shuffled through my playlist on my mp3 player I came across the song "Tidvis" by Lars Winnerbäck. I don't know why, but for some reason, as I listened to the song, everything I've been denying lately just catched up with me and I started crying violently. At the end of the song I was nothing more than a shaking pile of bones, doing everything I could to hide the fact that I was crying for my parents. And as if it wasn't enough, the song "Wrapped On Your Arms" by Fireflight came right next after "Tidvis" and further fueled the full blown anxiety attack I was having. I think of one person when I hear that song, and I think you know who after all this time, and the words "Wrapped in your arms - I'm home" have never been more true for me. I've never felt so complete anywhere else... just to be safe, and not have to think about antyhing else than just the two of you. I'd give pretty much anything to feel that safety again. That feeling of being home, where you belong.

I'm always searching for things to blame. Things that can explaing the way I feel. It makes you feel better when you know who's your enemy, what's behind all this malice going on inside your head. And I believe this feeling of not belonging anywhere is one of the greatest causes of my mental instability. I'm like a stranger in my own body, constantly trying to get back to who I was before all of this started, and failing miserably at the task. Not only am I hurting myself with all of this, I'm hurting others as well. If it was only me, I guess I could try to solve the problem in a far easier way, but things have gone past that point. I'm running around like a lost child in a giant mall, looking for someone to take care of him and show him the road back to safety, only I don't admit that to anyone, not even myself. I live in denial of myself and my own actions, believing I can be someone else, someone better, not realizing I can't improve anything until I've figured out myself. Shit... it makes me so confused thinking about this when I've tried so hard to put it away for some time now. But to be honest, I know what I need. But I don't know where to find it, so I just go on hurting myself again and again, stubborn to the very last breath. It's almost as if I haven't made any progress at all, just look back a few months on the things I've written in those posts - it's the same shit, over and over again. So maybe I'm not doing myself a favor by trying to ignore everything instead of trying to deal with it, but hey, it hasn't worked out yet, has it? So I'll just keep smiling, keep dreaming, and keep breathing. That's about everything I'm able to do to keep myself together.

I feel like I have so much to write, and when I started writing on this post, my mind was clear and I knew exactly what to write... now I feel dizzy and everything's just spinning. I need a cigarette...



  1. Dudez! Du verkar inte okej. Jag vill tacka igen för dina sms när jag var som värst.

    Jag finns om du vill skicka sådana sms när du mår crappy. Du är värd, jag gillar dig. Även om vi inte är så astighta. <3

  2. Ingen fara sötnos, bara glad om jag kan få dig att känna dig åtminstone lite bättre :)

    Thx :*