Monday, October 26, 2009

Stories with bitter endings

8.08 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Crazy Lixx - Death Row
Dear diary,

Well look who's finally gotten around to it. Hi! Have you missed me? Of course you have. I knew it. You're too sweet. It has been longer than ever before since I wrote a "full" post here, and in a way it feels great. 'Cause you know, I've been telling you all this shit about me feeling worse when I over-analyze my head and everything that goes on inside of it, and that's exactly the reason I have been letting this shit be for a while now. So if you're expecting to hear a full report of how bad I'm feeling, and how much I miss someone, or something, you're out of luck. I mean, I have that kind of feelings, but I'm just suppressing them, trying to focus on positive emotions... which in most cases mean I act on impulse with just about everything. And to be honest... its been working fucking great.

Lately I've met a whole lot of interesting people, I've went from having no social life, to actually spending time with people I've never met before. It's both refreshing and exciting at the same time, a little taste of what my life used to be, and what I want it to be like. Constantly meeting new people, seeing new places, trying everything at least once and not giving a shit about what anyone thinks. I'm on my way there now, I can feel it. It's like I'm reborn, and I've come flying out of the womb like a bat out of hell, ready to take on the world and any fucker who tries to mess with my plans or myself. At least I feel like that sometimes... but not nearly enough. It'll hopefully be the beginning of a new period. The next stage, or something like that. But anyways... I mentioned something about meeting some new people lately, right? Some of 'em are more than just "interesting"... and as you can probably guess, they're all female. I've been getting some attention from quite a few ladies in the past few weeks, and as much as I like it, it also makes me so confused. It's been everything from just a small comment to practically telling me they want to be together with me... and that just makes everything so much harder. Each and every one of them are special in their own way, some of them shine more than the others, but all in all they're all sweet, caring persons who I wouldn't mind spending more time with. But I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with someone again until I've cleared my mind of everything that makes me such a bad fucking person. First then can I focus on making someone else happy.

We have a band again. Big news. Even though or first rehearsal was awful, and I got so nervous I forgot how to sing fuckin' Sweet Child O' Mine, we're still a band. It may be we don't have the guitarists yet, but the foundation is there and everything feels great. Our drummer, Tommy (yeah, his name is really Tommy) is driven and entusiastic, and that's just what we need. Someone to kick our asses when we (me and my faithful basstard) get lazy. We also have a gig booked in May next year, on a small festival in some random town in the middle of Sweden, which means we have about 7 months to make and release our first demo. We have some material already, mainly stuff from our drummers old band that we decided to use, but hopefully we have a couple of new songs ready by the end of this year. Ah hell, this might just be it. The start of the journey. The only thing I doubt at this point is myself. Sometimes I feel like I can sing like a beast, that I sound fucking awesome, and some days I just can't take a single note. And the fact that not many other people have heard me sing other than on recorded songs is also worrying. What if I'm walking around in a dream, a dream that is about me being able to sing? What if I actually sound like shit? Then what am I going to do? Play guitar? Nah, I'm a singer. I know my voice isn't suited for this whole rock thing, it's too fragile and high pitched to get that attitude that, for example, Eric Martin has. It lacks the punch of say... Axl Rose or Sebastian Bach. And if the voice is missing out, the music's going to sound like shit. Everything I ever wanted was to stand in the spotlight, to be the main attraction, even though it scares the shit out of me, I know I'm going to fall into the role of the rock n' roll singer when it's time. The show must go on.

I feel better about my appearance, that's also great big news. All this attention is making me believe I'm actually attractive to some people. If it's just the projected image they've seen and liked, or if it's who I am behind the mask, I don't know. But I don't feel that apart from the mask and the real me anymore, we're kinda' growing into each other once again. That tough shell is cracking up in a big smile, showing what's behind it. And for the first time in a long while I feel like I can show it to some people without being afraid it will drive them away or make them think I'm ugly. It's probably still gonna be a big play all my life, constantly changing masks between different episodes to whatever suits me best at the time, but hopefully there will also be times when I feel comfortable with just being myself. It all depends on the attention... always the attention of others to make me feel good about myself. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.

Ah, hell... this one's longer than the previous posts at least. I've probably left out too many things that I should've informed you guys about, but as I always say... let me get back to you. Tomorrow I'll be visiting my parents again, staying there for a day or so before going back here and hopefully attending a Halloween party where a lot of the interesting people I've mentioned earlier will show up. If I can afford it. Let's hope for the best. Later y'all.


  1. Jag älskar din blogg & din ärlighet, jag blir avis.

  2. Gör mitt bästa, och är ändå inte så ärlig som jag skulle vilja vara, då blir en hel del folk sura.