Friday, November 13, 2009

Closing act

9.26 PM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

About damn time you guys get an update, they're far too rare nowadays. I'm honestly thinking of putting this blog to rest and get a new one that I will write in Swedish on, since there are certain people who misinterpret things I write and get mad about them for no reason at all. Anyway, about that update.

The following entry does no longer bear any significance. That cunt betrayed me in the worst possible way, therefore she doesn't deserve to be mentioned here. A sheep in wolves clothing, a coward among cowards, her memory will be erased and never again spoken of. You're dead to me.

I've found a girl. A special girl, who I believe could really be "the one". You know, the one true love they talk about in all those movies and books about love, the one you never thought you'd find... and then one day, she just appears right in front of you, from nowhere. Shining more brightly than anything you've ever laid eyes on before, making your heart beat so fast you can swear it'll burst at any moment. It's strange how that works, love... you spend your life chasing after it, desperately wanting to feel it, but it never really gets true until you stop chasing it and let it come to you instead. Like she came to me. A few years ago, none of this would have made sense. That I would be sitting here tonight, with a heart so full of love for this woman and my mind spinning around, getting high on the feeling she gives me just by smiling or laughing. Love at first sight - isn't that something that the books and movies have copyrighted? Does it exist in real life as well? I used to think so, before I got my heart broken so many times that I didn't believe anyone could make it whole again. Until now.

The first time I laid eyes on her it was on her blog. Back then, just a few months ago, she was still together with her ex, Love, probably most known as "Terry Blade" from the sleaze band Redlight Attraction. I knew who he was, and at first I thought she seemed far too vain and bragged about her "famous rock n' roll singer-boyfriend", which afterwards mostly seemed to be because of my jealosy of everyone who's more successful than me. But then something changed, I couldn't resist checking her profile, reading through her blog, only getting more and more intrigued by her appearance and sheer attractiveness. Then, out of nowhere, she became single again. He left her. I mentioned this in an earlier post, referring to it as and "I want-feeling", but back then I could never imagine we would be so close today. It's almost as if it was meant to be. I often think about this, the way we make our decisions and how they guide us through life in an advanced chain reaction. What if I hadn't made that decision three years ago? Where would I be today? Even the smallest thing can be made into something really important, merely by stepping outside my door I'm making a decision that will perhaps change my life, and others as well. We're all on the same map, just tiny little markers moving around in different directions, trying to find our way through to the other side, or just trying to find our way home. Like me. And then you bump into someone, and leave a dent, a mark, a memory that he or she will carry with him for the rest of his/her life. Something that didn't mean anything in the beginning can suddenly get essential for your whole existence. My mind just spins faster and faster with such thoughts running through, but its calming in a way, to be able to grasp the very foundations of our human mind.

I'm getting off track... a far too common thing nowadays. I was meaning to tell you all how this came to be, that I now no longer walk alone. With her by my side, I feel safe again. Things aren't perfect, they never get perfect, but this is something new to me. For the first time since my mind started to refuse co-operating all those years ago, I feel relaxed and safe with her. We've only known each other for two weeks, been together for two days, but it could as well be 2 years. I can connect to her on so many levels, even if there's always gonna be a little shyness in the beginning. I can't explain how thrilled I am, just walking into this big adventure, not knowing where I'll end up or how things will evolve from now. Maybe it was time for leaving everything bad behind me, and starting over again, never looking back. I think my past will always haunt me, for as long as I live, but I'm never going to stop running. The speed blur makes everything so beautiful, and when I'm free from conscience I feel alive, ready to take on any obstacle I meet. Maybe things will turn out just fine, maybe they won't - I really don't care anymore. I'm going to stop worrying, stop trying to dig deeper into my past to find answers who never were there from the beginning, all while never looking further forward than my eyes can see. Taking chances, live my life day by day and not worrying about tomorrow - and that just might work.

Things aren't working out as they should, we're still a guitar player short of being a full band, we still have a demo to record, I still suffer from terrible stage fright, I doubt my own capabilities when it comes to fronting a band and to have the voice to back it up, I still dream nightmares about the past, I still get mental breakdowns, I'm still paranoid as hell, and I still can't seem to move forward as fast as I would like, or as fast as I know I could. But what the hell, complaining about it doesn't make it any better, does it? Damn right it doesn't. I could name a thousand other things that's bothering me, but for what purpose? Is everyone reading this going to make a change? Hell no. So I'll try to stop doing that, since it only backfires all the time anyway. And maybe that's where you and me take separate ways. You' been with me through a lot, diary, and I admire your ability to listen without interrupting... for the most part, at least. You've been my only escape at some times, spilling my anguish on these virtual pages like blood on a battlefield. When I'm trying to let go of the past, it means I have to let go of you as well. But I leave you with a smile, and I'm saving every post I've ever written here as a memory of the times gone by, to bring out someday in the future, wherever I am, to remember, to cry, to laugh, but most importantly - to know where I came from, what made me into the person I am today, the person I am tomorrow and the person I will continue to be as long as I walk this earth...

... which I no longer walk alone upon. She is so amazingly beautiful I get tears in my eyes just by looking at her. Never before have things felt so right, and I can't wait to see where fate takes us next. She made me realize there are still things left in life to savor, new places to see, new experiences, new things to learn. I might get older and older, but I'm still young at heart, with a burning desire to explore everything around me. Just like a baby, I sometimes hurt myself playing with fire, but nevertheless I get a rush whenever I get close to the flame next time. It feels as if I'm in the beginning of something beautiful, something that will change my life forever. I'm so glad I found you, Zandra. I'm so glad I get to kiss you, hold you, love you in all the ways I can. This is the beginning, this is us together into the unknown, tightly holding hands as we walk down this road. And I've never been happier together with anyone.

So... this is getting confusing even for me, I can imagine how you readers feel. I could go on and on, but let's wrap this up one final time, shall we? I still feel as if I have things to say, so there might be a post every now and then, but I'll try and stick to my new blog instead. You know how I easily get nostalgic and start missing things I've experience before. But for now, this is officially closed down. All of you who have been with me, as readers, through this nightmare ride - thanks for reading, even if you've only read a post before you got tired of my emo bitching and pessimistic view of the world. I never though anyone would have the patience to read through another persons diary, for that is what it is, a simple diary. But for the few people that actually have an interest in my life, this page is great. I promise to post a link to my new blog shortly.

So... with the words of Nikki Sixx, from "Home Sweet Home", lets put this thing to rest one final (?) time. Cause' his words couldn't have been more true, I'm on my way home. And her arms is the closest I've come yet. Until next time, everyone.

Love, Sid.


You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away high
So I wouldn't come home low

Just when things went right
Doesn't mean they were always wrong
Just take this song and you'll never feel
Left all alone

Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And I'm comin' off this
Long and winding road

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home

You know that I've seen
Too many romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin' off the silver screen

My heart's like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
Just set me free
Home sweet home

4 comments:

  1. Jag kan inte ens sätta ord på vad jag känner för dej, men lycka är en bra bit påvägen.

    Du är så underbar så jag blir galen

    // din Zandra <3

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  2. Glad att jag fick äran att följa dig genom ett bra tag iallafall. Jävligt intressant läsning ändå. Känns som om jag typ... Sett klart en film eller något.

    Sid, du är awesome. Fortsätt vara min vän. ;)

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  3. Lätt att jag tänker vara! Men det förutsätter ju att du ger fan i att gå och dö. Man kan inte vara polare med en död snubbe liksom ;P

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  4. Jag är så jävla kär i dig!

    ReplyDelete