Sunday, November 8, 2009

Queen of the night

2.03 AM, in the middle of nowhere, Sweden

Dear diary,

So I've been at my parents home for a day now... so far so good. But ever since I got here I've had this strange feeling I can't seem to get off my mind. It's hard to put into words, but some strange mixture of loneliness, paranoia and just feeling uneasy. The loneliness is the worst right now, it feels like I'm about to burst into tears at any given moment. I just want someone to hold me, so I can feel safe again. Other than that, not much is new... don't know when I'll go back to town again, even though I actually have something to look forward to when I get back there. Been speaking some more to Zandra, and she wanted to see me again, which is great news. She was even more beautiful in real life than I could ever have imagined, and though I was nervous as hell, she seemed to have a calming effect on me. In some way, it felt like we had known each other for a long time. Needless to say, I was enchanted by her stunning looks and great personality, which further developed my infatuation. Once again, diary, I am beginning to think that I'm falling in love. And yeah, you're right - I'm going to say the same thing again; "It feels different this time around."

But I'm damn right it does. I feel as if everything I do is like a new adventure, and for the first time ever I'm not afraid to spread my wings and just throw myself out into the skies. So what if they're full of holes, or made of lead? I'm going to enjoy the view on my way down, in that case, so don't you worry. I'm so bad at trying to hide my enthusiasm for such matters as this, and often it turns out I'm wrong about everything and have to feel the shame for taking it for granted. But even if that's the case this time around too, I won't hide that she makes me happy just by saying she feels somewhat the same. And baby, I know you're reading this - I'm sorry if I have gotten it all wrong, but you're so attractive I can't help it. We would make such a beautiful couple.

Today's gonna be kinda' nice actually, it was my fathers birthday yesterday (congratz, dad!) so today a whole lot of releatives are gonna show up here and celebrate him, which equals a lot of cake and various sweets. Nom. You know... it's like I go through a transformation whenever I get here. I come into this house wearing a mask, the one I wear everyday when I'm at home in BorĂ¥s or with my friends, then I take it off and travel back four years in time when I still lived here, worked every day at the farm and didn't have a clue of what was waiting for me in the future. It feels both great and awful at the same time... I enjoy the hard work, it keeps you focused and keeps you from thinking too much. Just hard work, where you can see very clear results at the end of the day, and then you stop working and your mind gets back into city-mode, and you start missing a fast broadband connection, having a store close and being able to meet your friends without traveling 40 kilometers to the nearest train station. I know I can't stand being here longer than a few days, but that does it for me. I go back, and enjoy living in a town more than I did before, so it has its purposes being here after all. But just to complain a bit, for the sake of complaining itself, I'll end this post with a classic lyric from Guns N' Roses "Down On The Farm". Night y'all.

All I need is some inspiration
Before I do somebody some harm
I feel just like a vegetable
Down here on the farm

Nobody comes to see me
Nobody here to turn me on
I ain't even got a lover
Down here on the farm

They told me to get healthy
They told me to get some sun
But boredom eats me like cancer
Down here on the farm

Drinkin' lemonade shanty
Ain't nobody here to do me harm
But I'm like a fish out of water
Down here on the farm

I wrote a thousand letters
Till my fingers all gone numb
But I never see no postman
Down here on the farm

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