Friday, January 15, 2010

Is another mistake

8.44 AM, Borås, Sweden

Dear diary,

Been awake for little over an hour right now, and as far as that goes, it's quite unusual. My diurnal rhythm has been fucked up so many times now that I'm amazed I still can get out of bed, at whatever time I may wake. Didn't sleep too well tonight, a lot of nightmares lately. But I guess that's something I've been getting used to. First things first - I'm single.

Hah, fucker. I knew it. Couldn't figure that out, could ya?

Shut up. I gave it an honest try, didn't I? Damn right. I guess it all came to the point where I was no longer able to see a difference anymore. What started out so sweet, all turned so wrong in the end. And I'm only blaming myself, 'cause in the end it's my fucked up head that started all this. It seems that once again, I've fallen deeper into depression. Deeper than I can handle. I began too see some warning signs about a month ago, when I couldn't bring myself to care about things I cared about earlier. Things that made me happy before wouldn't bring any joy any longer. Everything became an unfocused blur of events that I just couldn't bring myself to enjoy. Then came the disgust for other people. I became more and more aware of my hatred of other humans, seeing clearly why the human race more than ever deserves to be wiped from the planet. I didn't want to be touched, didn't want anyone close, it made my skin crawl. And that isn't exactly optimal conditions for a relationship is it? I even lost my appetite for sex - and to me that is losing my appetite for life itself. Nothing seemed to matter, and I couldn't look forward to anything. So it had to be that way, 'cause I would only end up hurting her more if I let our relationship continue without me being able to feel the same as she did.

And things still haven't changed. I mean, it can change from day to day, hour to hour, second to second. The joys of a manic-depressive disorder. I can literally go from a state of total happiness down to total panic and anguish in less than a minute, and I can't live my life like that. I can't keep any feeling alive for a longer time, and it makes me feel crippled. I can't focus on anything for more than five minutes, which makes pretty much everything that involves creative thinking impossible. I fucking hate myself for not being able to spend time writing new material for the band - especially since it looks like it's gonna work out this time around. I have to get out of this mess before it's too late... but maybe it already is. I can't even start to think about all the time I've wasted in this prison of my mind, time that could be spent living my life to the fullest instead.

I've some thoughts about trying to get some medication once again. Last time I tried, it backfired heavily, and resulted in some failed suicide attempts, but maybe it'll all be different this time around. The only thing that's stopping me is having to go through all the bullshit it takes to actually get the medication. You have to go to the hospital, talk to a whole bunch of doctors, explain how you're feeling, why you're feeling that way, and how you want to feel. And I can't even explain to myself what's going on inside of me, so that would be nearly impossible. I believe I could get some results from trying lithium. It seems to be an effective treatment for the manic-depressive disorder, which is the most severe of my disorders. The others are just products of it.
We'll see what happens, if I know myself, I'll try once again to kick this shit by myself, which so far hasn't worked out a single time, only sending me deeper into it. But at least I have a little bit of faith left - thanks to the people around me. The people that matter. In their company, I don't need to pretend that everything's alright. So thanks, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being there, even when I'm being a miserable bastard. You know who you are.

Time for some breakfast. Later.

1 comment:

  1. jag hoppas du verkligen förstår vilket språr du satt i mig, hur overklig du är i mina ögon och hur fruktansvärt mycket jag älskar dig.

    jag ville verkligen inte förlora dig men jag hoppas att all den smärtan jag känner nu kan få dig att reda ut dig själv, jag kan offra mig själv för att du ska få må bra.

    jag älskar dig.