Monday, August 30, 2010

To something better

11.40 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

Where do I take this pain of mine
I run but it stays right by my side
So tear me open, pour me out
The things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me, so hold me until it sleeps

Dear diary,

Another update, far too uncommon these strange days. But tonight, I'm cleaning out this dark, twisted, sinister closet full of too many ghosts to even begin to grasp. I'm unable to give an update of what I've been up to since the last post, too many things that are spinning around inside my mind, my memory fails me... almost as if it has started to fade away, in some clever manouver to erase the past that constantly haunts me. I mean... I thought I was doing well. Still far from sane, or through with this disease... but better than before. And all of a sudden, I find myself in a darkened room, the walls are slowly closing in, my heart is pounding, my head hurts and I can't breathe, and as I gasp for air, the last flickering light from the outside world disappears and everything is dark.

"You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold..."

I know now that everything that glitters is not gold. Maybe to the naked eye, the surface gleams and shines and takes you in with all it's beauty, but under that shiny surface is only dark, dirty lead. Poisonous and heavy, it is my cross to bear. My cross to die upon. It's the freedom I want, but why I want it, I cannot tell. Too many things I cannot tell, too many conclusions to be made for too many problems and issues. It's too heavy, I can't stand straight any longer, drags me down to the surface of the planet like a ticking clock, taking me closer to my grave... tick...tick...tick.

Time will forever be my greatest nemesis, the one thing I cannot defeat or overcome. Helpless.

It's hurting people around me, people I hold dear for the very relief they bring into my life, light that shines my way so I don't trip and fall down into the deep abyss beyond my path. Decisions to be made, so many things to decide... I'm dizzy 24/7, like walking around in a thick fog that surrounds me, eats me through every breath I take, making it's nest deep inside my lungs, filling them with it's suffocating presence inch by inch.

No matter what I do, things always seem to get worse. And I can do nothing. Helpless.

Maybe I was never meant to share my life with anyone. Maybe I wasn't meant to live at all, I mean... who knows? Maybe someone should have stood in front of me in the line, but somehow didn't make it, so they had to send out the substitute who didn't really meet the qualifications, but had to go out there into the world anyway. Fate, as we know it, maybe it's all predefined, and there is no way to get out of the carousel once it has started spinning? Sometimes I feel like I can't hold on to anything, it's always slipping out of my hands, regardless of how much I need it to live. Sometimes, I am the one to blame, not seeing clearly what I need and what I want, and sometimes people just slip right out of my hands without a last chance to hold on to them. The power of free will. Or maybe the power of my fucked up mind.

I can't stop my mind from unraveling, sending misery and pain out to harm everyone around me. But they can't even begin to understand the pain it brings inside to see them hurt by my actions. It's like thorns pressing against my heart, piercing through it's very core with poisoned tips. Maybe that's what makes it skip a beat every now and then.

If it's all about being free, why doesn't freedom alone make me satisfied? When will I ever be satisfied? I fear the answer is; never. No matter how high I fly, the sun will always be too far away. No matter how much success I have, no matter how big and shiny my crown is, there will always be a hunger for more, and more, and more. The grass could very well be greener on the other side, but if it tastes good, does it make it worth it? I can't tell. I never can't tell.


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