Undo you

1 AM, Boras, Sweden

Dear diary,

It's all a matter of holding out as long as you can, until finally, you break and perish under the weight that has been building up. It's not a race against time, because you can't get away no matter how fast you run. Speed only blurs out the people passing by you on your way to your grave. Me, I run for the sake of getting there as fast as possible, and it won't be long now. Just around the bend...

When I close my eyes I see her. In my head, there's a movie playing and she's the star. Her new, happy life is shown to me, scene by fucking scene, and I'm not even in the credits. I miss her. I fucking miss her, and to her, I'm nothing. Not even a memory. Totally erased, forgotten, dismissed. A wrong turn, a mistake, thrown away down in the gutter. And I can't get up. I've been here for almost one and a half year now, and I can't get up. Every time I try, the memory of her lying in my arms, peacefully sleeping, drags me down to the fucking bottom. Down to the depths of hell. My medical condition is getting worse every day, I can actually feel it clouding my mind, a black, poisonous cloud engulfing everything, every rational thought, every small reason to be happy. I simply can't fight it anymore, and even if I would, it would be in vain. It has gone too far, it's in too deep. I can't kill it off without killing myself. It's not far away now, just around the bend...

And I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you...